We found 199 favorite tweets.
Just an FYI: Earth’s South Magnetic Pole is actually in the North. That’s why the North tip of a compass needle points there.
What's the point of all this cleaning? Are we so vain?!
Sesame Street celebrates 45 years on the air. And Bert and Ernie celebrate 26 years living with HIV.
The guys who discontinued Oreo O's were Cereal Killers
Look out! He is a Spider-Pig.
Looks like this is happening... finishing up then it's time to.......
She's a fireman! He's an arsonist! And they're married! Only on FOX!
A movie AND six hours of Simpsons? Oh, we spoil you. Here's a peek at today's schedule!
It's spelled "you're". You need a good English class. RT : Your a bitch, you need a good ass whipping
Sundials designed for the North won't work in the Southern Hemisphere. If ported there, they would reckon time backwards.
To accept evolution is to believe it took four billion years to create a species whose current top trend is .
In the North, the shadow of a sundial’s gnomon sweeps clockwise. That’s, in fact, what defined clockwise in the first place.
Damn...that is one fine-ass day I just made. Hope they enjoy it, the bastards.
Cops : have you found jesus
* jesus makes the cut throat motion*
Uh no officer
woke up this morning and the first words i said were"I need to go see TUSK again!"
What's your favorite scene from Pirates of the Caribbean at Magic Kingdom Park?
FINALLY! A book that describes my entire life...
After all, with Universal removing their JAWS area, Orlando theme parks are now lacking a version of AN ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.
*ends every piece of advice with “idk though” so that its not my fault if i ruin ur life*
I created bacon. You're welcome.
We stare at our phones, downloading every terabyte of info in the world. The only price we pay is missing the world around us.
"Woohoo, time to go clubbin'! Baby seals here I come!" -Bender
Ok, some wise guy put a piece of uncooked fusilli on my chair and yes, I sat on it. Some fans are to be wary of. At least no ASSMAN for me.
Masan the love for pizza is so strong, it turned me into a part-time vegan 🙊
She tried to find a savior on Christian Mingle but Jesus was over on J-Date.
Ugh. RT : Fans of Mr. Toad protest the closing of the popular attraction on Sept. 8, 1998.
Fans of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride protest the closing of the popular attraction on Sept. 8, 1998.
So weird that hot dogs come in packs of ten but my butthole can only fit eight so far
So if we start a rumor that ISIS is hiding in the US Public School system will Congress find a few billion
Empty tank at The Living Seas.
You can take Norway out of the park, but you can't take the Norwegian out of Norway! Not without a fight at least.
From striking at to choosing a union at to demanding raises at , today airport workers are rising up!
IN 2 DAYS! The walrus will wail! , , , and Michael Parks ARE !
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
For survival in this world, it’s to an animal's great advantage if Humans think you're cute.
New York City is the city that never sleeps. Las Vegas is the city that never sleeps with the same person more than once.
I love a fire. I can sit in front of a nice fire for literally almost 6 minutes.
Just realized that I had this little guy lurking over my European history books on my shelf.
Brb, crying loudly.
The accuracy of this is pretty sad...
It was a good run Maelstrom. Almost my whole life. Take care my friend... and goodnight.
Bad feelings in Star Wars
Rush Limbaugh assures you he's not sexist & misogynist and anyone who says he is is probably on the rag.
My defense mechanism is sleep.
Sometimes I find myself hopelessly thinking about pancakes even though pancakes probably isnt thinking of me love is tough like that
I don't understand either.
I hope people who say "perf" and "redic" totally get "murd."
ME:My raisin bran has like, zero raisins.
GIRLFRIEND:I’ll alert the media.
1 hr later, nothing on CNN. So what ELSE is she lying about??!
Apple offers instructions for deleting U2 album. [Punchline cancelled cause "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" not strong enough reference.]
"Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!"
FACT: bunies like caronts
"They already live off the government and now they're having another kid?" -MY REACTION TO WILLIAM & KATE ANNOUNCING THAT SHE IS PREGNANT
At some point "Old Time Rock-and-Roll" became what it beheld.
Urban Outfitters apologizes for bloody Kent State sweatshirt: "We assumed our clientele was far too vacuous to read anything into it."
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I love and want him to never go off the air, ever. Crucial, profane, brilliant & hilarious.
` In my defense, I estimated the average Twitter user to be reading at a 3rd grade level
If your belief system is not founded in an objective reality, you should not be making decisions that affect other people.
Me and Alicia have the same exact phone background and we didn't even plan it 🙈
[Bruce Wayne on a date]
"This was fun. Here, watch your step as you're getting into the Brucemobile"
"ummmm let's get some gelato"
your tattoo says ‘only god can judge me’ yet here i am
My favorite Led Zeppelin song is definitely "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"
If I have to draw 1 more piece of popcorn I'm going to lose my shit.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
*takes out glass eye and tosses it to girl*
Hey girl, you really caught my eye.
do you think the song monster mash was a true story
By week 7 every current NFL player will be declared inactive due to criminal activity & Air Bud will be the frontrunner for the MVP award.
"They're gonna have to outrun and outscore the other guys if they wanna win." -Captain Obvious and football announcers
pizza will never lead you on
Floyd Mayweather made over $30million tonight while you work your ass off everyday and make $50k in a year.
NBD JUST WATCHING CONDUCT AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL!!!!!
Thanks for making me burst into tears at you mentioning Phil Hartman and singing the Monorail Song. I love you.
but are we really sure they aren't going to start replacing area bgms with kids singing along to songs from frozen?
Do we know them?
- Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy!
- That’s Carl.
- So, you worked for Carl, eh?
Beyoncé is pregnant again which means Blue Ivy is going to be a big sister to Blue Ivy 2 Furious.
At times I really, really, really hate this island.
If recent Disney patterns have told us anything, the last night to ride Maelstrom will be a $70 hard ticket event hosted by Hades.
If you sneeze while driving at 70mph, you will have traveled about 300 feet with your eyes closed.
- Actually Homer, that's just one. See, each pushup includes both an up part, and a down part.
"I'm not a SuperMoon, I'm a regular moon just doing its job, ma'am."
ICYMI Maelstrom's last day of operation will be October 5, 2014
*pours something already cold into a glass full of ice* this is good and makes sense. I want less of the thing I like and more water cubes
Senior year of highschool I was invited to go to Harvard, they said come to Harvard our toilets are a mess howd you like to be our janitor
have a great day everyone 😊☺️
Last Week Tonight is proudly sponsored by old school rap!
Old School Rap! Telling you our name and what we’re here to say since 1979!
I'm like Batman except my utility belt is just a really huge purse I use to sneak snacks into movie theaters.
It's getting to the point where pretty soon you're going to have to register as an NFL player.
Had a horrible dream where EPCOT was replacing a unique cultural ride with a synergistic tie-in to something barely related.
When you think about it, every cake has the potential to be a crumb cake.
When it rains fountains are all I'M GONNA GET SO FAT
Please email firstname.lastname@example.org and let them know how you feel about the Maelstrom overlay.
Coincidentally, my grade school nickname was 70713.
[yelling at mailman]
"YOURE COMING HERE EVERYDAY ANYWAY, JUST FEED THE CAT UNTIL WE GET BACK FROM VACATION"
Eduardo walks warily down the street/His brim pulled way down low
She pretends to be asleep so I won't get up. Busted.
fuck the future marry the present kill the past
"I'll sleep when I'm dead" makes no sense. I'll sleep when my phone is dead.
West coast! 10 minutes until a new episode of Garfunkel and Oates w/ & !! On !
Yes, there is intelligent life in outer space. The rest of the universe is just avoiding you.
If you have swag I imagine your parents never introduced you to Mr. Belt or his friend Mr. unusually large wooden spoon
I've had bigots put words into My Mouth for so long, it feels great to finally speak for Myself.
If I was a millionaire id become a scientist and research if a dog from a different country speaks the same language as my dog
We’re no strangers to love.
You know the rules, and so do I.
Most people don't realize this, but you can quietly remember September 11, 2001.
i don't think i'm ever going to be a good adult. i just wanna eat snacks and watch netflix
We are not affiliated with either wing of the two-party oligarchy.
I wish I loved anything as much as Jafar loves dat balloon 🎈
I still think the third “Hobbit” film could be stretched to 5 movies.
Marge, get me your address book, four beers, and my conversation hat.
Oh shit I almost forgot it's 9/11!
There are surely problems in the universe so advanced that our human brain cannot see them as problems in need of solution.
because he's shaping up to be the greatest president of my lifetime -->
will meet their counterparts from 'The Tracy Ullman Show' in the "Treehouse of Horror" episode:
Pirate World is inhabited by a variety of pirates, some of which, like Captain Clump, are actually good instead of criminals.
Weird how The Who's "The Song Is Over" really lingers.
Mr. Krabs added a drive-through window! Our fast food just got a little faster.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
We must fight even harder to . The longer we wait, the more it will cost to buy back America.
Watch Siskel and Ebert argue over 'Back to the Future Part II' (we're with Roger on this one, btw):
I'm bigger than Jesus. I assume he was pretty short.
Scientists have found that the reason wolves howl at the moon is because they're sick of its bullshit. "Fuck the moon" said one researcher.
I only listen to my girlfriend's favorite music when we hang out so that when we break up she can never enjoy her favorite music again
Crazy.... 13 years... Still hear the planes going over, smell the toxic air, and remember every detail. Tough
Kind of wish Obama's foreign policy strategy would be, "From here on in, we're just gonna act like Canada."
My Presidential speech would've been 5 seconds tonight. "Isis doesn't know karate."
If I become Dalai Lama, expect lots of changes to Buddhism. First and foremost, more jesus.
Next year's Rock in Rio music festival has booked Bruce Springsteen. Rolling Stones are close to a deal. Monster event, as advertised.
Find something you love to do. Now find a totally unrelated job to survive and pay the bills.
Apple Watch would be a good name for Gwyneth Paltrow's nanny.
"Up and AT THEM!" -Rainer Wolfcastle
WDW’s long lost Tiki Room pond… look at how far the staging was for the steps! And those benches! Epic.
I miss the days when you could go to hell in Fantasyland.
The great thing about sarcasm is, no one ever misunderstands it.
Show's not til Friday but the Simpsons refuse to leave! We hid under a bench in the last row.
Boom, look at that, a tweet about white girls that doesn't mention pumpkin spice lattes. Aim high, kids.
Wake me up when Apple brings back Tamagotchi technology.
If Apple wants people to buy watches then why do iPhones tell time?
We ain't never had a friend like Joan! is proud to dim the New Am marquee tonight in honor of the late, great Joan Rivers.
I want to pet your dog in the streets and sleep next to your dog in the sheets.
There Is Only One Issue In America yeah, what he said !
Writing for season 6 started today and everything is just--just really great.
Cremation is so much more appealing once you realized graves are just cubicles for the afterlife.
It's with Liam Neeson. Y'know, he's older but still beats up lots of young guys. It opened one January. That one.
New report says Colorado is least obese state in the country. This is weird because weed is legal there and it's the birthplace of Chipotle.
Jole blon live 2012-- classic night VIDEO
Instead of a will, I'm gonna leave behind a won't listing all those who won't be getting anything.
what do u mean u cant hang out i showered for this
i shaved for this
im wearing pants
i went outside
i killed mufasa
i got out of bed
Overtime hours and time and a half cause it's Sunday 💰💰💰💰
When i go i want to be cremated and have my ashes put into an etch-a-sketch.
Dr. Kent- you're cured of Ebola? That's great! Oh, you don't wanna shake my hand; just washed 'em. Still wet. But congrats, man. Awesome.
Michael Parks gives the performance of a lifetime as Howard Howe, the most twisted man in the world.
Now would be an appropriate time to switch it over to the Boiling Hot Water Challenge. Then we'll see who's committed to the cause.
🎵 are you ready for some carrot?🎵
I don't need football to ignore my family.
Is today the day declares he is never returning to Seaworld?
RELEASE: Senate Poised to Vote on Constitutional Amendment to Undo Citizens United:
Just found a dollar and hesitated before picking it up in case those kids who made fun of me for being Jewish in kindergarten were looking.
Imagine "are you ready for some football?" sung to the tune of "Do You Want To Build A Snowman?" Yes I'm trying to ruin this for everyone.
Ignore my face but I just finished my first training run wearing my outfit for the Tower of Terror 10 Miler!
Football teams are gonna start footballing today. I hope your favorite team makes the best football.
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like "Ok but only if you're racist too."
Did someone in Toronto order 1500 Walrus masks?
Mundane zigzag procession to anticlimactic encounter with alleged Norwegian princesses. Wait Time: 1 Astronomical Day
Dear very successful people accepting awards, you're using the word "humbled" incorrectly.
How did they catch the criminal mastermind jellyfish? With a police sting, of course! Oh, that one’s so funny it hurts.
Life would just not be the same without 😜
Finally someone said it 👏
Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Ugly people, stop breeding, we have enough of you. Wait till this batch dies off.
Medieval times here we comeeeee
but how is this a contest, all I'm doing is answering a question
Guy leaves small town life after meeting a hermit, kisses his sister and then his dad cuts off his hand
Asteroid flying very close to earth. Annoyingly, yells "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you" as it passes.
Attention Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Now that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are married, I think it's high time Johnny Depp and Tim Burton officially tied the knot.
Doge is going on a follow spree, who wants a follow?