We found 198 favorite tweets.
Explained to my dad that his wife can't be my "stepmom" because she's only 9 years older than me. He watches Fox News so he bought my logic.
*whispers to pilot* Please don't make this plane disappear I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave yet
I'm craving some birthday cake. Someone come up on stage and give me a slice!
I once worked at a diner that was robbed 17 times. Someone would ask for “the usual” and I'd give them everything in the cash register.
It’s your 16th birthday Animal Kingdom and this is a time in your life where you may be tempted by bad choices. A blue child is forever.
Today is the day! I "turn" 50! From NY to CA to FL I've entertained generations of guests.
I could use a few spins on the TTA to clear my mind.
So Seth Rogen is playing the responsible dad that hates the partying frat next door? Ugh! Type casting!
Oscar Meyer is recalling 96,000 pounds of hot dogs for containing cheese. A hot dog made with an identifiable food? Gross!
just did day 21 of the ab challenge.. but where are my abs though? >:O
Taco Bell is changing my life.
Bruce Springsteen has a great new 4-song vinyl EP 'American Beauty' for Record Store Day; look for it wherever you look for record stores.
Josh: "Would you like a soda?"
Old Lady: "No, I don't believe in liquids"
I'm back tonight with new shows after my crazy week-long time travel adventure where I travelled forwards through time at a normal rate
Can't forget my bubby!!!!
The best part of being a Mets fan is always being able to make plans to do stuff every October.
Ralph's isn't that good that I'll wait on line for 20 mins. Weird people
Gotta love the girls with the after work yoga pants
I used to write all over the exam page "intentionally left blank" because fuck the system
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?"
"Sir those are toothpicks"
"I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"
Aw, jeez. You got the stink lines and everything.
Imagine watching Game of Thrones or Downton Abbey or The Walking Dead and shutting the fuck up about it.
I told my sister "let me play you the song of my people" and I farted
If you're reading this, you've already begun avoiding your family. Happy Easter.
Just to let you know the Virgin Mary never god laid but Jesus got nailed!
Why is everyone saying 4/20, 1/5 is the proper fraction.
Hi guys I booked the wrong fastpass but need to be let in anyway I'm very important
Why blaze it when you can glaze it
Is everyone getting high waiting for Hitler to bring the chocolate bunnies?
On Game of Thrones they celebrate Wester.
Jesus died for your sins and Frederica Bimmel died for Buffalo Bill's skins HAPPY EASTER
According to MDE, you can ride BTM, Buzz, Pirates, JC, Space Mtn, Haunted Mansion, and Dumbo in the same time you'd wait for Frozen hugs.
A bread bowl is such an American idea. "I don't have enough food!" "What do you want?" "...let me eat the fucking bowl!"
Just a meet and greet. Seriously. Move along. Holy cow. There are E TICKET ATTRACTIONS in the park that don't have three hour waits.
Young man, your gargantuan cone is making a mockery of our self serve policy!
Happy Easter. The day we celebrate Princess Anna's ultimate sacrifice and act of true love that resulted in her resurrection.
Every Easter on Twitter we celebrate by resurrecting our Easter tweets from the previous years.
"This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be."
Ink for your printer is actually more expensive than blood.
"How do I know I can trust you?"
"Marge, look at me! We've been separated for a day and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman."
START A BAND, SUCK, KEEP SUCKING, FIND YOUR SOUND, GET GOOD, SHAPE THAT SOUND, GET BETTER THEN TAKE OVER EARTH! BUT HAVE FUN THE WHOLE TIME
the beauty of podcasting; no matter how much you suck you can still keep recording! Oh oh ho Ho!!
The opposite of Alfred Hitchcock is Batman Divorcepussy.
"Did you notice he was totally holding in his stomach?" - Jesus' gay friend
“you shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of night”
people shouldn’t fucking attack other people at any time of day
"From First to Fifth, With One Blue Shell: My Mario Kart Adventure" - by Wil Wheaton.
Hating that gold digging skank Jenny from the movie Forrest Gump
That's not even an exaggeration, it's 14 to 7 based on the Wikipedia list
There have been twice as many Greatest Hits CCR albums as there were CCR studio albums
IT'S RECORD STORE DAY, IT'S RECORD STORE DAY, CHECK UNDER THE TREES ASAP.
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles Bukowski
do you ever get really motivated to do something and you get really excited about it and then when you get home you’re just like nah
I think 80% of the reason women wear bikinis is to have an excuse to not be carrying any money.
How to get a woman mad...
Death is a lifetime achievement award.
I think it's sexy when someone can handle my smart ass mouth and attitude instead of leaving like a little bitch
Whose Line is incredible, it's rare for me to literally laugh out loud at any TV show but I've done so multiple times just in the first game
this whole show was on drugs
No matter how bad life gets, the force will be with you always.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED HOT WINGS, ALFRED. THAT’S WHY!
It's Friday night, time for a Bruce Springsteen cover of Van Halen VIDEO
Every time you eat at the Olive Garden someone's Italian grandmother dies.
“Oh…uh, hey Jesse…” -Rick Springfield
Dennis Hopper is dead.
TV shows get no time for theme songs anymore.
Woody Allen did the voice of a cartoon ant.
I can never tell the difference between your/you're/Asians
I don't get why I have to go to this rehearsal dinner I'm literally an expert at dinner
"Everything looks worse in black and white." -Paul Simon, choosing an Instagram filter
a haiku about mario kart
are you kidding me
who the fuck threw that red shell
i will fuck you up
Baby showers are silly, you're the parent wash your own kid.
"My boyfriend asked me where he should cum and I said anywhere. Didn't think he'd get me right in the eye... " -Sir Winston Churchill
Mrs Doubtfire 2: 2 False 2 Dubious
Trying out a new restaurant before it has any Yelp reviews. When I die I want to be remembered as a hero
Annie Baker '09 M.F.A. has been awarded the for drama. Bravo Ms. Baker!
Why yes, I do have Shark Repellent. It’s called MY FISTS.
"If you like Google Glass, also try Bing Chewables."
Google Glass, for everyone who's ever thought, "I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE"
Well, that's oddly specific.
Greendale SAVED! What'd you think of the Season 5 finale?
to a year ago today when an academic site paid me to research and write about !
they're from nickelodeon lol yes I'm a child at heart haha
"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!
We get it, you smoke everyday. No one gives a fuck
🎶Every little thing she does is magic/Every little thing I do is wrong.🎶 A fun song I sing to myself.
His Majesty Ron cannot contain his excitement for tonight’s new episode.
This week on Extreme Makeover
Two years into the second reign of the Orange Bird at Sunshine Tree…is he being a good leader? Yes. Tiki Tankard for the win...
Can we have a Muppets Most Wanted/Orange Is The New Black crossover where Tina Fey's Nadya becomes the new warden of Litchfield?
Exactly! RT : What's the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?
The invention of Velcro didn't prove humans were getting smarter, it just proved that tying laces was too hard.
Colin: 'We'll be right back to our porno medical drama - Fifty Shades of Grey's Anatomy - in just a second!'
I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.
I think “dildo” is a perfectly acceptable insult. Like, I’d call you a dick but you’re not real enough.
Cancer, huh? That sucks. So what else is going on?
: But if Dreams Came True, Oh, Wouldn't That Be Nice?
My coworker took the last of the coffee and didn't make more so I whispered "All men must die" as he walked out and I think he heard me.
Next on Fox News: Is Obamacare causing people on Obamacare to go crazy and say they like Obamacare? Yes. Yes it is. And it must be stopped.
I've been at the office for almost 3 hours and my phone is still at 95% battery life because I'm working so hard. Putting that on my résumé.
Heard "haiku poet" on radio complain NYC writing community "not very supportive." How much support do you need to come up w/ 17 syllables?
I guarantee my relatives cut in line on Ellis Island.
I think Courtney Love is just playin the name dropping attention whore game.
I hope Bruce had a funny reply tonight.
Dad's award is right in the middle of our dining room table...
I'd like to apologize to the entire particle physics convention for mispronouncing exotic hadrons as exotic hardons.
"The legend that a Greendale computer professor made love to a computer and died of the first computer virus? Sure." haha love
I just got my blood moon. :/
Seriously, winter – it's not us, it's you. We have to move on.
I haven't been able to even since I was in my early 20's.
I'm actually flying on Thursday and if we don't fly into a vagina I'm going to be super pissed.
Very not Friday
Doge much wise
Can I claim loss of the will to live as a deduction?
Ironically my Egyptian coworker is the only one who likes my Passover jokes.
Kind of feel like a fraud celebrating the freedom of my Jewish ancestors by sitting in a cubicle.
"The kids down there are either dancin or hooked up in a scuffle
Dressed in snakeskin suits packed with Detroit muscle."
Getting ready to head to COLUMBUS in the snow! We will be live tweeting the set as service allows.
My cover of the Britney Spears hit "I'm a Slave 4 U" didn't go over well at the Passover Seder despite how topical it was.
“: favorite album artwork of all time from any artist?” Clash London calling, KISS Destroyer
Coolio did a stage dive in 2009 and the audience beat him and stole his shoes.
i'm used to watching people troll companies on Twitter, not the other way around
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Old West cooking tip: shit will always be an ingredient no matter how hard you try.
She screams at the band "Do you know any Bruce Springsteen?!"
"The difference between my jokes and someone with a good body is that you dont have to sleep with me to get my jokes"-Me cockblocking myself
Most of life is waiting for whatever you're at to be over.
Good news, that 9 month old baby in Pakistan was cleared of all murder charges. I knew he’d walk eventually.
The best rides also hint at a larger world. Unexplored turns in Indy. Countless hallways and doors of Mansion. etc.
PUT YOUR HOURS ON YOUR WEBSITE.
CNN reports a Florida woman was dragged from her garage by bears. In their defense the bears were on spring break and totally fucked up.
Daddy, where do airplanes come from? Well, son, when an airplane and a woman love each other very much...
This week marks the 20 YR ANNIVERSARY of All That's premiere in 1994! To celebrate week, I'll be posting NEW PICS every day!
"Well, you see, son, sometimes when a toy airplane and a woman love each other very much..."
Thanks for nothing, US Airways.
When my time comes, I wanna be buried face down. So anyone who doesn't like me, can kiss my ass
Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this?
- Me? I'm not the one who puts butter in your coffee.
I'm starting to think Jay Z doesn't actually have 99 problems.
Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!
So awkward - today's the ONE day i forgot to smear my doorpost with lamb's blood
another childhood tv star.. 😔
I switched churches because i found a church that gives out free pizza on Thursdays.... I literally sold my soul for pizza
The next time I create mankind I'll conduct an environmental impact study first.
'Just discovered the meaning of life. Dictionaries are so helpful.'
My excuse for when I'm late to class
My favorite part of Twitter is when nobody can take a fucking joke.
Woke up with Tom Petty music stuck in my head this morning.
Joffrey Baratheon was one of our worst Republican presidents.
I'm 31 which is dead in dog years.
My boss scheduled a meeting for 7:45 AM. That's it. That's the entire joke.
No school means the easiest commute ever.
Sometimes I forget why I go to work at all but then I remember money.
I thought it was very good. Exceeded my expectations
"Your father & I are going to try and make it work again... like a classic rockband whose hold-out member finally needs money."
Bart: Hey what did I do?
Marge: Nothing... for 30 years! You're perfect for each other!
How many does it take to make toast?
Every day this week days is gonna be the same backwards:
American Beauty and Mary Mary so far. They sounded great! American Beauty sounded like Frankie Fell in Love and Mary Mary like Leah.
JFK ordered over 1,000 Cuban cigars for personal use right before he made them illegal.
The Great Movie Trailer Ride
I still find it crazy that the Traveling Wilburys happened
Sometimes it's worth it to do really stupid things.
13 Apr 1964, the 36th Academy Awards, Sidney Poitier became the first black person to win a Best Actor Oscar
I wonder what the weirdest thing they found when they drained the moat was
"History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce"
Hmmmm ;) RT : Timeline of Walt Disney Animated Movies.
Harrison Ford doing what he does best during his Reddit AMA:
Raised 1mil for Ali Parkinson Cntr in Phoenix with RDeniro and JTorre
last night. Great friends to help a great man.
"Anything for you, Mary Poppins. You're our favorite person."
Don't be alarmed Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Just assume no one on the internet understands sarcasm or has your brilliant, nuanced sense of humor, OK?
Hey teens! Don't say something online A) that could be taken as a threat, or B) you wouldn't want your grandma or a future employer to see.
In light of the stellar work on , I've decided to give Epcot to and . You may pick it up at your leisure.
Colin: 'Our top story today: a national study shows that balding men make the best lovers.'
Michael Jackson has a new album coming, five years after his death. The first single is “Man in the Mausoleum.”
Apr 13th 1994 - 20 years ago 's Shannon Hamilton screwed Tricia Jones in an uncomfortable place in 's
"Is this the club?" ~ last words of a baby seal
A HARD DAYS NIGHT.
The film that served as the crucible for our modern take on stardom.
Son, don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Girls who say they're a hot mess are usually giving themselves too much credit on the first part.