We found 197 favorite tweets.
For all of December, 100% of ES Store sales (excl S&H) to be donated to
If you work on a morning talk show I dare you to replace the host's coffee with a mug of soy sauce.
finals week selfie ft. mega-hair
Anniversary is going great.. is stoked after giving away some…
Enlightenment via infomercials.
huh. I always heard it was originally "PIANO!"
That awkward moment you take a piss and then someone steals it.
sometimes late at night, I become a deer.
“: “Love” is the most frequently used word in Twitter user bios.” HASHTAG EMBARRASSING
Difficult thing about sobriety is realizing that I don't sound anything like Black Sabbath at karaoke for years I thought I was nailing it
Now is the time on Follow Friday when I wait for the crushing realization that I forgot to mention someone.
Just lit the wrong end of a smoke and it tasted like campfire marshmallows. WIN WIN.
lets play a fun game called 'can i make myself feel bad about this'
Damn.....300,000,003 is a sick ass number., can't believe nobody thought of it before honestly
bout to go to sleep but check it...caught lightning in a bottle and thought of some dope numbers randomly...
“: Me:Names child butter
- brings home wrong child- I can't believe it's not butter” seems like an tweet
You don't make it big with the Directions so you start a new band with a female singer..........Paul
Wedding dress made of rejection letters
I find dusty old stashes of dog food that my cat has taken from his bowl & hidden & I tell her I'm not made of money but she doesn't care.
Nah fuck it buying it for that hair though!
Amelia you don't knit don't by the book cause you like the chic on the front
"I keep telling you, you don't need money to dress better than you do."
Sal, Mad Men
While in Singapore, we saw this actual restaurant (though no garbage on the menu):
people are made up of layers and layers of tissue paper
12 DAYS TILL THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG THOUGH EYAHAYYAEHYAEHA
Huh. Are they mourning, or is he dead to them? RT : Fans set up shrine for #11 outside CTC
Forgot to take the Christmas tree down from last year. It's roots have grown around some electric wires and it sends me weird dreams all day
Fun at the Barrhaven Christmas parade
You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead an honest life
Today is Dec 1st, so we're blasting our festive playlist by starring Louis Armstrong & James Brown
My inflight movie is Jobs!!!
usually the cum starts rapid and gets slower… but the guy at the bottom starts slow and gets faster
One time this guy asked who's your daddy I was like that's a good question
Text flirting 101. If he asks where you are, you are ALWAYS in the bath.
a funny funeral prank would be to walk up next to a person crying at a casket and ask "why are you mad at me?"
buy our new record today or don't. i don't give a shit anymore. see? no link.
Welp gang I'm off to the gym. To try to work off some of those mashed potato pounds from yesterday (thanksgiving). Catch u on the F.S.
how did i miss the opportunity for a wake n baste joke when i was helping make teh turkey earlier
"I just keep laughing at your timeline. No, not twitter, just the timeline of your life. Remember when you got dumped at the prom, haha!"
I don't understand myself either. RT : I don't understand people who would buy priced-to-clear seafood.
How NOT to park your smart car & how to pose for the stranger that removes it from a 3ft snowbank you're hisided on
if mumford & sons rapped: shake my ass to the wind, lord forget all of my sins
The guy who told Terry Gross u shouldn't cook stuffing inside the bird would not want to hear the things being said about him here tonite.
A lifestyle cruise through America.
Remember this? I miss those days.
just retweeting what ppl are thankful for.
Happy Regular Thursday, fellow Canadians!
My hope is that there is at least one person out there picturing a Chihuahua literally holding some horses.
I just said "hold your horses" to my dog and he looked super confused. He didn't understand that I didn't mean literally.
only the 5th time they've done this today
invisible boots on my hands
You're trying too hard, people who will only drink a particular brand of vodka.
"Your total is $36, would you like to donate $1 to sick children or have everyone in the market hurl tomatoes at you as you leave, monster?"
The world is your oyster! Overpriced, slimy and everyone tells you it's going to turn you on, but it's more likely to just make you gag.
Sure, everyone thought it was cute when that bumblebee fell in love with that dog, but I'm sure we can all agree, these barking bees suck.
This dude gonna snag raptor eggs. Bad call. People gonna be like "I went to high school with dude who swiped raptor eggs."
I came in like a Shrekking Ball! A big green funny Shrekking Ball! And Donkey's laughin at it all, all you do is Shre-e-ek me! Shre-e-ek ME!
Email chains die sometimes. It's part of life. It's not your fault just because you were the last to write. Chin up, bucko. Buck up, chinno.
Wish we had pre-crime police so I could report a dude on OKCupid whose favorite books are The Taming of The Shrew, Atlas Shrugged & The Game
I'm never going to understand girls who like roses and I never will and I never want to.
The "weaker sex" is the one that pays for drinks when it sees exposed skin, right?
is this about my Chupacabra vs The Alamo tweet?
Weather channel top ten is going crazy right now!
I always forget that in the wintertime people basically turn into Komodo dragons plagued by an increase in nosebleeds
Chupacabra vs the Alamo, starring Erik Estrada. This won a couple of Oscars, right?
HEY ITS MAC WAAAAAZUPPPP JUST WANNA GIVE A SHOUT OUT OUT TO ALL MY HIGH BAKERS W BREAD BOWLS AND ALL CRAIG MACS FLAVA IN ALL OUR EARS
C Thomas. C Thomas Howell. Howell Thomas Howell.
Looking for some great tunes on a Sunday? is playing RIGHT NOW on
thanks for unfollowing me while my life is not a joke
Leaked photo straight from the sets of Star Wars Episode 7!
TONIGHT - I'm the guest DJ at alongside and at…
Blondie Sunday Girl (French Version) VIDEO
It's like I have to do everything around here
*finishes bag of pretzels*
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I probably wouldn't kill myself if I had to listen to a peanut butter band.
"My compliments to the drug chef" is a fun thing to say to pharmacy lady handing me my Rx
"of course im drunk, its my birthday" thats what this glass says
hope ur weekend's blesstup!
Washed Out // Eyes Be Closed (Star Slinger Remix) // HD: via VIDEO
The Morning Benders - Cold War (Star Slinger Remix) via VIDEO
*takes selfies with 300 sandwiches I made for my damn self*
Ghostbusters or GTFO (ghost the fuck out)
I'm sorry your parents were probably into group sex, girls named Rhiannon.
We did do Christmas songs today, but it was our own party playlist by - have a listen, it's great!
This is my post-baby body (I used to be a baby)
*ben wyatt voice* you know, nerd culture is mainstream now. so when u use the word nerd derogatorily, ur the one thats out of the zeitgeist.
So stoked for Xmas... Eggnog pizza! Peppermint toilet paper! Snow cone shoestrings! Mistletoe underwear! Apple cinnamon dog leash! Eskimos!
When I was little, my parents decided I was lactose intolerant and started putting apple juice in my cereal. Hopefully this explains a lot.
tried to keep my eyes open no not happening hi I'm the happy hippy birthday girl and I'm here to say HIGH
"old pie for late dinner" is a menu item if you come to the restaurant that is my room right now
Judging by my glove compartment, you'd think my biggest fear is being caught driving without a fork.
Clear eyes, full hearts, no swears
Funny man will keep you entertained. He sometimes wears female coats and is a professional chair tester.
New is out now! Episode 31 - The EVIL Beatles! LISTEN:
If I ever have to apologize to an entire city, I'll want to be wearing a clown neck tie, too. Possibly while riding a unicycle.
If you tweet after 2am I'll basically fav anything you say
maybe i'll start writing all my tweets in the second person
post and delete a selfie so fast you fall over from the breeze
Funny KWF experience today:
"Sir, do you know why we've pulled you over?"
"Because I'm in a PT Cru--"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A PT CRUISER."
Fans, Friends, Ben Stiller and I had a great time making this episode - SEE IT IN FULL RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!
"What r u, on crack?" "Actually yes" “: BREAKING: Toronto mayor Rob Ford admits he smoked crack.”
Our new album GETAWAY hits the shelves world wide today! Get your kicks here:
Listening to the replacements so fuck off virgins
when a man loves a women ("94) is one of the best romantic dramas i have ever seen
When Your Bedroom Was More Than Just A Place You Slept & Other Stories Of The Macabre
i'm still wearing my halloween costume
Southeastern by Jason Isbell is the best album of the year by miles
“: ": Halloween costume #2. "coolgirl” - oh shit thanks Bob!
Thanks for sweet RT's & Favs
Can I go grocery shopping with you?
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. ♡
Digging everyone's Halloween avis's tricks & tweets! Thanks for sweet stars & Rt's you ghouls. 🎃👻 ~Scaryellen 😉
HIPPY 1: My son just burned an American flag. What a bummer.
HIPPY 2: Why's that a bummer?
HIPPY 1: I was wearing it at the time!
Bumper sticker combo I'd like to see:
[Calvin peeing] [=] [Obama '08]
should i see Bad Grandpa. i think i'm going to tomorrow
Do you think cats ever trip the fuck out about how tall we are ?
I don’t inspect produce as much as I just go off vibes
however did you reach me
half-way round the world
shines your light
. hey muchmore's was double booked so we're gonna have our show at my apt, hope u can still make it
hi im chris hansen and youre all under arrest
Lou Reed once told me to go fuck myself... it was one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.
Saw Katy Perry and Adam Levine in Proactiv commercials. If you really want to prove it works, show me what you can do with Ray Liotta.
Advice: When watching the big game, don't let the gals catch you looking at those cheerleaders for too long! Haha.
Forget breaking bad, forget walking dead... All I need is cops.
*watches a Lars von Trier film*
Welp, a cockroach flew in my hair, which is too bad, cuz I wasn’t really in the mood to set my whole head on fire tonight
Why are there so many movies about being lost at sea or in space this year and so few movies about sons and dads switching bodies? Fix this!
Here's your periodic reminder that Pauley Perrette is the world's worst garbage person bc she tried to get me kicked out of a dog award show
I just found this baby lizard
That was the craziest ending to a World Series game ever. I can't believe they killed that dude. RIP baseball man.
for a guy named Health Ledger he was not keeping track of his health very well.
get ready for some real ass tweets
these women are so brave and ballsy, how can we support them?
Now it's 10 years later and we got no Jobs, no Bills, and no Gates.
Passing the car dealership on my way home if you guys want anything
Yo, Rocky!!! Hahaha!! Just kidding, gang.
I gotta say, [something unnecessary]
No one is a "5" on the hockey enthusiasm scale.
Watching old episode of Goosebumps that's set in Louisiana. Entire cast made the bold choice to speak with Canadian accents.
Chamomile is my favorite tea to let sit until it's cold and then dump out.
'Louder Than War agree and have just declared them ‘your next favourite riff sodden but also tune filled band’ -
a rolodex, but full of all the times you should have said something.
a rolodex, but full of all the times you should have kept quiet.
There's a large spider in my car. He can keep it. I guess I live in this bar now.
“Let’s make this about me tho”
TY for stars & RT's! :-) xo ~M
Mr. President, Guantanamo is still open!
*Obama checks his zipper*
The new ep of features Eagleheart superheroes CHRIS ELLIOTT and ! It is wonderful!
S/o to guy bending over in khakis who made me think he was bare ass
I'm in this deleted scene from last night's episode of Parks and Recreation with Amy Poehler & !
Had my elbow replaced with a knee.
I don't know what being "on the dong" means, but I'm pretty sure I agree.
Guys, I stand by this micro blog. Eat a dick if you think it's chill to be a follower. Carve your own Tweets.
"Actor/Musician Jared Leto is on the show tonight." - Conan O'Brien
*flexes my pecs* just flexin my pecs y'all
4:20 is to smoking pot as 10:41pm is to purchasing "Biggest Part of Me" by Ambrosia on iTunes.
My g-ma told me a cool story abt recognizing rapper/actor Ice-T on the streets of NYC & greeted him bc she thought she knew him frm her life
Katy Perry is the funniest thing Russell Brand has been in.
Yup. Maybe before the year is out. Thank you. RT you're funny as hell, smart, engaging. any plans to drop a book?
Taking your words back in droves
When the thing you fear most takes its first breath and screams its way into the world
You should read Alice Munro. You might learn to write a shocking sentence rather than a "shocking" one.
If you invite me to your pumpkin carving party please remember that I'd like to commit suicide first.
The day a guy tells me hes an avid Chameleons fan, will be the day I get married.
The tour might be over, but the fun is just beginning. Tune in Friday for and !!!
who wants to hang out in the woods with me
i want 2 go 2 some woods and take pictures
u know what? fuck the moon. thats right. fuck it
I'm pretty bummed we'll never know what would happen if Tim ˝The Tool Man˝ Taylor got his hands on an iPad. He'd make it for men, but how?
1. Conan set: 2. Thank you all for being so nice & gooshy to me! Even the egg lady who said my outfit needed work.
Do you think Alice Munro is overrated because you never see her at one of John Casablanca's ecstasy parties.
You are such a scamp. Are you being satirical again?. Sometimes I think you can't help yourself.
All criticism is self-criticism.
The same dumbed-down culture that produces a "writer" who modifies the noun"adults"with the adjective"grown".
Then you are an immortal.
If the hatred for you is sentimental, why re-read. Is it because you don't know the meaning of the word "sentimental"?
If Joan Didion is your greatest influence,it explains your disdain for Alice Munro.Better writer,Harold Robbins or Tolstoy?
I like how use the word "so" like a 14 year old girl.
At least your taste is consistent.
If Joan Didion is the writer you most love,it makes sense you find Alice Munro Overrated. Harold Robbins or Tolstoy?
It takes more than an elf to beat up Santa Claus. But go easy on her. I'm sure your opinion means a lot to the poor lady.
If you consider the hatred for you sentimental,why re=read. Is it because you don't know what the word sentimental means?