We found 194 favorite tweets.
If neither of us is married by the time we're 40 let's still order a 4-tier cake.
I am gonna buy so many weird snacks in america!!!!
The year's 2160. All human thumbs have evolved into bony sticks, long and nimble, to accurately text friends and Instagram pizza.
Today felt like it lasted a lifetime (network movie).
What's worse, urinating on someone's trampoline or installing a miniature trampoline in someone's toilet?
I don't walk to work. I dressage.
Need a penny, eat a penny; Have a penny, eat that penny too. Eat a bunch of pennies.
“: Ukrainia is unreal to see live, just saying...” True story!
is that a gun in your mouth or are you just happy to see me
i don't think i'll let myself be a witness to anything that cheapens my existence today
What's my option? Get fucked, chase 23% less paper?
I am singing some songs here at The Milestone tonight. Come n listen to me wail if you wish.
Potions class aka studying up for an interview at a tea bar.
I'm a swamp of vengeance.
Shout out to people who dress like they're from another time - Amish, Hasidim, Mennonites, etc. You're fashion backward, but weird forward.
. Comes out in a beautiful tux. You like this? Armani is the best! Tom Ford sneaks up behind him and does Ice bucket challenge!
. All these devices nobody even watches t.v.'s anymore! Heck,I watched Game of Thrones on my watch, Madmen on my class ring!
. Then the great show, "Parks and Recreation". And the discovery channel which I call "Sharks and Repetition".
MTV true life: i'm raising a hater
if i can come up with “pretending traffic cone is a huge dick” in only like 35sec just imagine what road worker guys have figured out by now
. I just saw the cast of Ray Donovan. They asked me if I paacked my caa in Havad Yaad!!
GO WATCH 's SPECIAL, 'IN RUINS', ON ! NOW! PLEASE, PEOPLE! (to be read in eddie's voice)
. why do I think is behind this?
It's a lot of fun when you get a new Twitter follower who replies to every tweet you do because they think your timeline is their inbox.
save this image to text back for the next time you get an unsolicited dick pic:
Wil Wheaton is well known for voicing Chewbacca and for playing the guy who says "bazinga" on the hit TV sitcom "Bazinga"
Good morning. It's now possible to purchase a woodcut print in honor of your recent breakfast.
some teachers probably cant pass their own tests - zen koan i just made up
i was a florist for years and have been living in constant fear
you'd think the term "skinny" would mean having lots of skin but the answer may surprise you
Shout out to the Montagues. The Capulets were some bullshit.
second day in a row I've heard a car blasting "California Love" outside my window. Its obviously a sign that I'm going to grow up to be 2Pac
My funny friend, the hilarious has a new special on Netflix. Eddie Pepitone: In Ruins. Watch and make your life better.
We just got an email from someone complaining that Carlos "should have a hint of a latin accent". That someone is a big ol' asshole.
I saw a headline that said "Gene Simmons sorry". I think they meant to title it "Gene Simmons pathetic".
Look, I'd love to enjoy videos of adorable pets & babies, but the regional accents of the people people behind the cameras disgust me.
sometimes when i've totally lost faith in the world i remind myself that three 6 mafia won an oscar
I meant to retort, "who owns the shadows?" but you vanished into the bright light
I like like I'm in The Shining
in honor of Andy sambergs birthday I'm watching hot rod because favorite movie 😍
What the hell are spectator sports? Are there sports that aren't spectator sports, where you're not allowed to spectate and so forth?
look what said about you isn't that so great? i hope you remember your password soon.
you are our favorite. we want you to be in all the movies. it would be the best.
I left all my kids at Trader Joe's
“: Hey my husband and I tried and loved your perogies!” Awesome!! Thank you!!
I'm trying to think up something to tweet on my break.....so...... the kinks are playing. and I'm on my break.....
Why is my caveman so mesmerized by the cats and yet so very terrified of the dogs?
wind, I hope you have a catchers mitt.
or maybe u can just try to be the person u want to be. maybe instead of reading this: stop & write yrself a letter to figure out who that is
“: LONDON: Get tickets to THE MOONS at Bush Hall Sep 24 London.
RETWEET” Oh yes boys! We will review
Win a Mod Ring!
Click the link to enter
bengay on my legs brings none of the boys to the yard
LONDON: Get tickets to THE MOONS at Bush Hall Sep 24 London.
DJing tonight at 11-12 & a bit later w
Let's shoot X-rays into outer space
They are just calling sharks Jaws. This is how things like Loch Ness and Bigfoot start. And I'm perfectly ok with this.
Thriller teas are manageable. it's the Sleeper time tea ya gotta be cautious of.
what are the best karaoke songs for "totally killing the vibe"?
Dinner service at TARG is packed on this rainy Saturday and the games are getting a serious workout!!…
Men are like buses. I don't get them at all and I think this one's on fire.
you won't see this daredevil blowing on her tea before sipping it, no way.
We did it! @ Nokia Theatre L.A. LIVE
Eating meatless corn dogs off of basically a frisbee. When you're ready come and get it na na na na na
Tonight- presents the BIG GAY DANCEPARTY!
Just saw this on the 80's Underground FB page. Brilliant.
TIL: Boston 20-somethings like country music a little too much. I need an explainer.
Have spent past several hours in a dark hardware store: best day of my life
I bought a knife just incase I'm in the woods and need to kill something, like myself
Someone said to me, think about people you know who dont give a shit about what anyone thinks of them, and I said YEAH THEY ARE ALL ASSHOLES
At hardware store trying to match paint color to 1977 Instagram filter. 💕
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
Did we ever find out what the hell IS on Joeys head?
1. I wanted an evil brunette twin
2. I had an inexplicable crush on Larry Hagman
3. I wanted to live in a bottle
4. I was chill w/ midriff
When I was li'l I wanted to grow up to be Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie and I have no idea wh--WAIT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT ME
looking ready for tonight! Hope you are :)
JL: Have you ever worked with Scorsese. CQ: (laughs) Haha, sore subject, James. Do not want to go there, haha. (Students laugh and applaud)
i see you waging petty wars against yourself & i wonder why, when you know the cost & know how quickly they escalate & do irrevocable damage
If I hate men, why are so many men who know me personally defending me? I love men. I hate abusive trolls
Right now my cats look like a husband and wife from the olden times.
Being exceptionally white but wonderful at the En Vogue concert w/ faves &
It's called, "I am Groot"
It's just half an integer away.
[Accidentally flicks cigarette in beer can]
[Drinks it anyways]
mom wants to bring the deformed fruit to market she "doesn't want to hide them from the world anymore"
Is it too late in the day for a sunrise sacrifice?
Superchunkin' with the awesome !!!
arguing abt the color of a moth on my leg (bb blue/ligt green)
My gecko sleeps curled up in a ball like a cat, i thought you should know
no amount of happy beaver can make this ok
Exclusive pre-sale tickets on sale now . We're also giving away a weekend pass every day!…
it isn't the rush of remembering it's just...rust.
PLEASE RENEW . We need comedy goddesses for at least ten seasons.
" Jawbreaker's 24 Hour Revenge Therapy being reissued "
My first comedy special has arrived on !! Its called "Eddie Pepitone - In Ruins" directed by
kitchen recordings, living room recordings, a child's piano on the porch. since i can remember, always this: fill the whole house with music
I don’t need fesimism i think it’s good when old men have control over my reproductive rights they do such a great job with everything else
Take it from me I'm not trying to be a jerk but you're doing life all wrong. You guys are walking around with your heads up ur u know whats!
My special In Ruins is up on Netflix!!!
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
I don't know her, but I love her.
Not sure why I haven't listened to podcasts before today but holy shit they're my new favorite things 😍
ENDLESS FUN: Buy two parrots. Teach one to squawk "that's what she said" and the other to repeat the Hindenburg radio broadcast.
Excited to announce I'm doing a late-night pilot with "Getting' Some Strange with Kurt Braunohler"
Right now the 3 most dangerous professions in America are firefighter, coal miner and the guy at the carnival who guesses people's weight.
I SLEEP ON MY BACK CAUSE ITS GOOD FOR MY SPINE AND COFFIN REHEARSAL
I didn't see it from the beginning. Can't believe I never saw it before. So funny!
"The Purge is real. Its a mix of badass and scary and it's as real as the day is long. Get ready for it Aug 31 12am" - Obama via
I posted "Fuck Disney!" and lost all my friends on Facebook.
I'm learning that there's twetquette or I guess it could be twitequette. Nah. The last one doesn't sound good.
White flag stunt on Brooklyn Bridge by German "artists" who claim "ceremonial folding" as their defense. That's just Teutonic OCD.
Seriously, stop refrigerating these foods!
Partially cooked aple
check it out i found a pic of those three shitlords who trolled zelda williams
I'm the captain nooooooooow! - Captain Philips the Musical
Can we start an east coast west coast Twitter war. I think that would be the best. Let me start: the west coast is bad at Twitter
Do you think it's condescending to pet a werewolf?
This is my very first tweet on the tweet machine. I don't quite understand the concept behind the # and I just noticed I'm almost out of let
hey guys, gavin mcinnes here with another politically incorrect column
Coming up this Saturday!!! Big gay dance party with …
guess people are not so scared
gimme that toot toot now gimme that beep beep
books are the only home i've ever known, but you could be the exception
girl with ingrown wings & a mouth like a bee sting
about me: into you like a train by the psychedelic furs
i still weep for you, clarence
stop trying to get me to kill myself, sarah mclachlan
The 'I-don't-care-ier pigeon'. Nice.
Got to see that fucking stud tonight. Against his advice I'm tweeting about it.
Me, the entire time at a Tweet Up
so much dramatic irony, so little self-awareness
she stuffed towels in the cracks of the doors and taped the windows shut to keep the loneliness out
"ass-copi" -- me doing to picasso's name what he does to people's faces
Unfollow everything that exists.
Don't ever sit down on the sidewalk in front of a convenience store. You will never come back from that.
What men say: blah blah blah blah blah blah
What women hear: honk honk honk honk honk honk
Mazzy Star - Fade Into You (Jools Holland 1994) VIDEO
Just posted a photo @ Seattle, Washington
go stick yr magic dick in a cauldron then buddy
Reasons my town thinks I am odd.
I sit by the road in slippers with my phone
They've mostly accepted it.
my professors would give the first day lecture speech about how "the onus is on us to learn" and every time i would laugh at the word onus
You were only in the sequels, and that's what makes you... the real substitute. Good night.
whats is that in the tree? it looks like some kind of bird??
I don't take too much offense when I start playing violin and my dog hides under the bed bc she also hates the bear bell and vacuum cleaner.
i love it when you wrap yourself in gold tinsel & photograph it
NEW We are the Mods Episode 41- A Fist Full of Dollar$, our special is HERE:
a thing about me is, if i express something to you directly, it is sincere & i will also tell you explicitly if i want you or i love you
By a show of Hans, how many of you are Norwegian
Im thinking of a vegable guess what one? (It is carrot)
idk what to do today, maybe I'll watch bob's burgers and eat a burger and call my dad bob
Did I mention how much I adore the new Jenny Lewis record, The Voyager? Oh yes I do
can I get good luck RT? unemp teacher for over a yr, interview tomorrow! TX!
My favorite thing is when boys tell me I am difficult
let me show you trees that sing, birds that fruit & flower, oceans that soar, & stars that hunt in packs; let me show you love
most of the good qualities I have as a person are duplicated if not exceeded by kenmore appliances
Training your dog like "Be on brand. Good dog!"
The thing that pisses me off the most about Olive Garden is that it's logo is grapes not olives.
Why do people say"lucky devil"? Do you have to be devilish to be lucky? No one says "unlucky angel". Does luck have nefarious underpinnings?
My dad is telling me about the Lloyd Cole albums he bought cuz he's cooler than your dad
Can't decide what kind of music video these guys belong in
“All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful.” ― Flannery O’Connor died today 50 years ago
necessity is the _____ of invention
• all of the above
1. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
2. Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes
3. Beginning Of The Planet Of The Apes?
4. Planet Of The Apes Pt. 1?
Road trip. at the wheel. Great storm. here we come.
imagine being the person in the store who chooses unflavored hummus when roasted red pepper is RIGHT there. r u ok. is this a cry 4 help???
this could have been us but you were playing with me 💔
TONIGHT: Let's have tons of fun at Mod Club Ottawa and celebrate the fact that there is no work tomorrow. Doors...
You know you're an old lady when people offer you a seat on the bus. Unless you're in Hamilton, where everyone's rude as fuck.
Temples - Colours to Life
the magic of twitter is how somebody u know only as lemons_butt or gooeyooey97 says something that makes u think for days