We found 194 favorite tweets.
Let's face it. All our minds are permanently blown by this Between Two Ferns thing. There's no unblowing our minds.
shame that early slinkies fossilized before the invention of stairs
My pajamas are the outfit I wore today and what I'll wear tomorrow
After my set tonight one guy said "So you do comedy huh?" and another guy said "Sorry about tonight."
go the fuck to bed you big dumb idiots
"I'd rather die watching Dirty Dancing than live watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights!"
If you peddle wares and you don’t peddle them on Instagram, what are you even doing in the wares biz?
Crock Pot Secrets: the low setting is the same thing as the off switch.
hey bae let me just put on some music to set the mood ♫have you ever been close to tragedy or been close to folks who have♫
Girl just came up to me outside Starbucks. Are you CQ? Yes. But u look the same as 20 years ago? Did you have work done? Um thanks I guess.
"I'd rather die eating an ice cream sundae with sprinkles than live eating liverwurst and onions!"
"I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees!"
in high school i contributed to a recipe book with a recipe called "chicken mania"
Sorry were you saying you're a GROWN-ASS man or a grown ASS-MAN?
If someone takes a deep breath before they start talking it means they're about to go on a rant so as they're inhaling run away
This guy says he's my biggest fan and I believe him. Pretty psyched to meet my biggest fan!
Soon SNL will just be 90 minutes of Timberlake dressed like food
Shout out to the pythons goin' up to alligators in the Everglades like "we runnin' shit now".
I'm headed to Ralph By Mouth West!
Wow, I did not expect Frank Underwood to be into blues!
threw my hair skin and nails vitamins in the trash after i found out they don’t contain any of those things
Made it to the summit of Mt. Everest! What a view! TGIF
Compiling racist Tweets is journalism
Walked by the mirror and for two seconds thought someone was dragging a scarecrow through my house.
3. Grateful to & everyone who watched and tweeted nice things. You're wonderful! Getting sappy. Signing off!
2...spread the word if you liked it. Next week's episode is totally insane and the one after that is when things go totally off the rails!
1. Well, that's it! We got that show premiered in multiple time slots and it was fun fun fun! Thank you for watching and please...
Remy Shand's Beach Sunsets Milq mix.
If you wanna find all the misogynists on twitter just check out this hashtag
There is an asteroid passing by earth today -only 217,000 miles away- and when it does let's all run outside and give it the finger
Fine I will build my own bridge to burn
ugh i guess my next step is becoming a hot human rights lawyer so i can marry a late night host
*drives parents car into a giant hamburger, getting beef and sauce everywhere*
*phone starts ringing. it's mom*
Just watched Big Star: Nothing Can Hurt Me on . Heartfelt docu about the backwards music career of a band that influenced many.
Who the FUCK put a Peabo Bryson song in my head?
The mind is a journey into the Terra Incognita
The Dream Syndicate’s Steve Wynn on
projected on a building on Houston. 4 stars.
Rob Ford on dressed like the devil & throwing T-Shirts like a warm up comic. His John Travolta name is - Rob Ford.
Stone Roses morning check it
I should host the Oscars next year. Seriously, I should stop being afraid and just do it. I know I'd be good at it, I just gotta go for it.
will i die from eating this expired tofu
Told everyone at this bar that I'm on probabtion & I'm tryin to get custody of my kid & now I have to leave bc someone I know just showed up
YOU BETTER GET OUTTA HERE EVERYONE IS MAD AT YOU - I said this to a paranoid pot head at a party and he started screaming & ran out the door
I can only hope these people get notifications when these old egg account tweets get rt'd/fav'd
I would say it's Iron Man's uniform of metal armor that is his strong suit.
Ellen breaks record for most Retweets of a routine that goes nowhere. Please RT.
#1 You are your own worst enemy. #2 Get that motherfucker.
the truth finally revealed
I'm writing my autobiography and calling it "The Fucks I Gave". Actually, it's a short story. Ok, a pamphlet. Well, just this tweet, really.
Three musclemen once bullied me and a friend into purchasing Ballys memberships. Luckily there was a clause to get out of it.
That's me in the corner. No bulb in the spotlight. Open mic religion...
Dalton Wilcox is going to be surrounded on all sides by city slickers @ the Bell House tomorrow night. Could get ugly
If you go to Arizona, don't forget to set your clocks back.
How brave. “: 10 actors who were tortured into giving Oscar-worthy performances: ”
I didn't see this from the beginning. Why are and sharing one pair of pants? For humor purposes?
Inside the writing rooms of famous authors – Joyce Carol Oates, Colson Whitehead, and more
Tweets from the worlds snallest violin.
People with more than 2 kids, stop it
. and 's show debuts April 29th
On my way to Canada. Bringing hockey stuff. Accepting pond hockey invites. Check my road schedule.
Decided to stay an extra week at Sudoku Camp and try and patch things up with Barry.
Update: found my Visa card the last place I used it...your mom's house FUUUUCKKKK YEAAAAHHHHH ZINNGGG
We have a premiere date!!! April 29th! We can't wait for you guys to see it! ?
My sister is an actress so she can cry at a moment’s notice. All you have to do is ask, “How’s your marriage going?”
Vice magazine seems like a wacky bunch of funsters :p
Johnny Carson is rolling over in his grave because he can't sleep from laughing so hard at the new him!
left my gamecube @ trap house
I pay $7 for a drink at a movie w/out blinking, yet when I have to pay 99¢ for an app, I'm like, "I don't know about this."
Guys with acoustic guitars - only play it for a girl who loves you unconditionally
Oh yeah George Takei, from facebook. I think he was the “I fucking love science” Officer on star wars or something
If you’re over 18 and still hate pickles I feel bad for you son. Pickles are good on an hamburger bun
a paramedic checking his own pulse as a joke during a boring emergency
“Then I shut my eyes for they were hurting me.” - Franz Kafka
Saw new show tonight! It's funny, dark, lil edgy but thoroughly entertaining, and I'm excited it's premiering. Watch!
hey so guess what this guys password is
An app that punches me in the boob every time I google my horoscope.
I just guessed that bitcoin was started by D&D players, I had no idea that it REALLY IS!!!
This is a very good photo of &
baby otter drinking out of a bottle
If Eminem ever kills a woman then he's messed everything up for freedom of speech.
found all this cool shit in the garbage
Nobody cares about your Jesus movie.
Do dogs have celebrities, or is every dog a celebrity? Do dog paparazzi just take pictures of EVERY dog when they go to the park?
! If you don't know now you know!!! Enemies will perish!
Kanye secludes himself in mountain retreat to work on new single. 5 mos later he returns w/ one verse: "Look into my eyes all u see is pies"
Audio: I was HONORED and so excited to have the King of all Media HOWARD STERN () talk about me...
This whole Alec Baldwin thing is starting to feel more and more real with each passing day. Miss you, Alec.
I can't wait for your next ...the suspense is killing me. Also happy
Everyone's shy at the crab dance!
Really proud of Jim Breuer for vetoing Arizona's anti-gay bill - you rule, Goat Boy!
i can't tell if i detest Talk Like A Pirate Day or Star Wars Day more. i think it'll remain a tie until some nerdlord declares Bacon Day
i searched on Google, your grandpa searched on Google, your great grandpa searched on Google, and I ain't havin' no Bing-lover for a son!
as someone who works in a deli, yes, we DO fuck the meat
everyone at my 7am Spinning class said I look very uncircumcised
I interrupted a cat showdown.
I start saying "it's my bed time" at like noon.
*slings acoustic guitar over shoulder* i'm here to play music and meet women... and i'm aaaalllll outta women
Quadrophenia "Zoot suit" The High Numbers VIDEO
I can play shitty guitar, is that a cute thing
Most Likely To Fav Any Given Night Tweet ;)
Just hangin' out here on Night Twitter™ (t-minus 2 hours until Night Twitter™ for you LA folk)
Appearing now in the NY subway system. Thanks comedycentral (photo: [& ])
One If By Land, Two If By C&C Music Factory
didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't "Immersion Lake & Palmer"
I don't know why my podcast app replaced each podcast's logo with the Gravediggaz 6 Feet Deep album cover but I'm not complaining
To those of you following my abortion exchange with , keep in mind it started because I made a joke about a woman named "Truffles."
Simple comedy formula: tragedy + time - babies = comedy. RT how can you make comedy about this?
I pretty much like all abortions. (But only at a discount!!! LOL) RT seriously. Are you pro life then? Or don't care? Late term?
I always feel bad when I kill a baby. MT You and your minions must be proud killing babies w no remorse. Sorry I love kids and life.
Perfect Twitter response. RT plenty of even sadder stories of babies being killed without even a chance. You libs don't care abt that
Sad story in today's New York Times about a 3 year old boy in impoverished West Virginia. Saddest part is his mom's first name is Truffles.
Restaurants: if you are closed on Sunday, that's the only day I will ever be in the mood for you. Sorry.
Hair dressers always have the stupidest hair
it is the year 314772. the only remnant of our culture is a clip from family feud where richard karn says “rawdog”
FACT: Back in the 90s there was a factory that only existed to produce Kevin Costner action figures
My wife's pretty pissed off that I always take off my wedding ring when I play bongos down on the pier. But it fucks up the sound!
"You remind me of Rod Stewart when he was young; yr funny, yr sexy, & all the punks think that yr dumb." -Hold Steady lyrics that won't quit
I wish Johnny Carson was still alive cause I'm sitting on a killer "Funk & Wagnalls" reference.
Don't tell me in a dress repeating "Ew" is a character. Can he also do the guy who bangs his finger with a hammer? Ouch!
Opinions are like assholes: mine do not stand up to relentless attacks by Richard Dawkins.
"There's a lion."
"I love it already."
"And a wardrobe."
"WELL SIGN ME UP MOTHERFUCKER."
Nothing upsets a Facebook user quite like an article from two years ago.
There's something unsettling about this compilation.
Just went to pick up a paper clip but accidentally picked up two paper clips. Sometimes I don't know my own strength
Please don't tag anything with just sayin'- I'm just SAYING it's awful.
I want to weigh 1,000 pounds
This is an example of my sense of humor but I couldn't hit tweet, I just couldn't
Thank you for the follow. Our early bird offer has been extended See you in Brighton
Checking out your recent tweets. you are hilarious. Now I know where to visit when I need a quick smilemoment
"google glass-hole" ... You heard it here first!
Nice of the USA Olympic team to take money from BP as sponsors after they destroyed the Gulf. Well done, morons.
The Latvian goalie made 55 saves against Canada. Pretty impressive for a goat.
Don't be ashamed of who you are !
Undisputedly.... one of my fave bands of the new millennium VIDEO
HEADLINE "Sports Illustrated Photographs Bikini Clad Kate Upton in Zero Gravity." Also, Sports Illustrated names Benny Hill Editor in Chief.
I'm droolin over these hot cougz!!!
I should be asleep right now.
I read American Psycho at 20 in rehab and I turned out just fine.
i have a sweet tooth n im in massive love with rocket raccoon
gonna be driving past the cemeteries I grew up in
SHOUTOUT TO ALL THE FALLEN BLOCKED PPL
A good headache remedy is to put a warm compress on your head and a warm chocolate cake in your fucking mouth
I don't have any plans this weekend in case anyone needs an ˝I never really got into House of Cards˝ guy at their cocktail party.
"i wrote you every day for a year" -me, talking to the phrase "dear ask jeeves how do i make my butt stop stinkin"
Half price pints on we'd from 10 'till close before drinks it all....bastard
why i need to leave this town:
i told a boy he looked like kafka & he asked, "who is that?"
*Laser soul removal doesn't guarantee permanent soul removal some souls could be resistant to laser treatment or grow again after treatment
If I don't get my De La Soul download link anytime soon I'm going to calmly punch someone
The skeleton racer John Daly () is not as cool as myself.
where i'm from, boys step on fireflies just to see the light glow smeared on concrete.
Mine's more like a broken MagnaDoodle.
Attention : some likely Bluesfest acts here MT : Introducing our initial line up for !
the female vagina is a myth.
Whenever I see a white girl with a pit bull, I just want to hug her and say it's gonna be okay!! but will it? especially given what happened
did I tell you guys about the guy who wore a Santa hat to school yesterday?
NEW CHAMPS! W/ - He's everything you'd imagine. Funny, honest dude.
I wish there were a stand up comedian out there brave enough to make a joke about vegans
TODAY the New season of with begins on . Experience it now: !!!
finally in bed after moving all day I want to cry of happiness
you can look like a little mouse if you want
Shaun White lets down America by a. quitting the b. cutting his cool ass hair and c. getting 4th place in his chill ass sport
I lost 11 Facebook friends after posting that I wouldn't be giving a shit about their Valentines Day photo albums.
🎶doctor, doctor, gimme the nudes, i got a weird thing for doctor nudes🎶
Kroll Show is one of my favorite shows and if you're not watching it you're a dunce.
Bruce Springsteen And Neil Young Sing Whip My Hair Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Late Night With Jimmy Fallon． VIDEO
I often wonder which one of us will be the first "death by promotional marketing prank gone awry"
The stair guy is killing it at this job site.
My bf just thought a painting of some apples on antiques roadshow was some real apples