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caprice craneLost Angeles and New York 2009-03-29
@capricecrane1,844 days
Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer/ Facebook: http://t.co/zvcnsdwpsG Instagram: http://t.co/Kenh8EsAXO
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170,6214373,8894,62152,519
We found 200 favorite tweets.
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Cancer, huh? That sucks. So what else is going on?
31m               
74
9
Josh Hara @yoyoha
is Lorde a character from game of thrones that's escaped into our reality
47m               
86
27
Rex Huppke @RexHuppke
Things were not all about me for a few minutes.

It was worse than I expected.
49m               
12
3
Michele Catalano @inthefade
Just made a noose out of paper clips. So that's how my day is going.
1h               
3
1
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
I have a little rash on my face and someone asked me what I ate and I'm like how much time do you have
1h               
60
7
Allison Burnett @Allison_Burnett
@capricecrane And the little bitch forces you to quit everyone else before she even lets you sample her.
2h in reply to capricecrane               
1
todd levin @toddlevin
And thanks again to everyone for their nice words and great help. Hug your pets and whisper into their fur, "don't you dare die."
2h               
55
6
Mark Hoppus @markhoppus
Why haven't Mt Dew and Star Wars teamed up for an ad campaign that says "Dew, or Dew not. There is no try."?
2h               
1,499
1,114
braden graeber @hipstermermaid
I'm pretty on the inside.

(I bedazzled my esophagus.)
2h               
570
374
Shane Nickerson @shanenickerson
I take comfort in the fact that you're all fucked up too.
2h               
16
5
Maggie Mull @IAmMaggieMull
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Give a fish a man? Well now you've made history.
3h               
31
7
Mae @mzeld
Here's how much everything costs: too much.
3h               
81
48
Rivka Rossi @sofifii
I don't need that much attention today and it's weirding me out. J/kkkkkk this is a way of me asking for attention
3h               
58
20
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Today during yoga class I was at Trader Joe's eating cheese samples wondering if I'd be a good mom
3h               
111
11
braden graeber @hipstermermaid
Trying to fit in is the worst thing you can do to yourself.
3h               
378
368
Mike Leffingwell @mikeleffingwell
Every time I tweet something about my kids that doesn't get any favs, I have to tell them no one likes them.
3h               
41
3
Phil Demers @walruswhisperer
As explained in this interview - bit.ly/1gATtBM, this was the last time I saw Smooshi. SaveSmooshi.org pic.twitter.com/tD05YDuPFG
3h               
14
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Owen Benjamin @OwenBenjamin
Let's take a moment to be thankful for being alive. We won nature's lotto...
So anyway, how awful r people who talk on the phone in the gym?
4h               
29
11
shauna @goldengateblond
My supervillan origin story would involve sitting on a wet toilet seat.
4h               
40
2
Shawn Garrett @ShawnGarrett
If you can't beat them, anonymously tumblr about them.
5h               
8
3
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
Not feeling it. pic.twitter.com/WY9V2wqzXg
5h               
16
NOH8 Campaign @NOH8Campaign
The ladies of #HotInCleveland (@JaneLeeves, @WendieMalick & @Wolfiesmom) support equal rights! #NOH8 pic.twitter.com/7wBUcp9bVi
5h               
294
168
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
Oh I KNOW the true meaning of Easter. I've been putting Peeps on car antennas since 1999, son.
5h               
37
10
Mark Hoppus @markhoppus
I will review Brave and Mulan, and will watch Tangled and return tomorrow with my verdict as to the validity of your arguments.
5h               
1,596
424
Nina Bargiel @slackmistress
Jenny McCarthy & Donnie Wahlberg are engaged. Just in time to reboot Unvaccinated Kids on the Block.
6h               
24
10
Luckyshirt @luckyshirt
"Let it go, Elsa."

-sassy character in a future episode of some sitcom

Remember I said this.
6h               
37
9
Laura Benanti @LauraBenanti
Man on train: Putting makeup on in public is rude.

Me: Ya know what else is rude? Murder.
8h               
694
292
Jason Gelles @1CarParade
Probably getting a lot of money back from the IRS this year thanks to my all-emoji tax return.
16h               
25
8
matt @biorhythmist
What's a good tattoo to get that will make a nice big black regret rectangle in 10 years?
19h               
18
1
Ian Bohen @IanBohen
@capricecrane @ColtonLHaynes He's an absolute prince. Everywhere but the tennis court.
19h in reply to capricecrane               
41
20
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Should I post a sexy picture of myself or just tell everyone that therapy isn't working
19h               
227
62
andy lassner @andylassner
Just saw a woman easily in her 70's in low rise jeans and some sort of tube top so I'm taking a little break from keeping my eyes open.
19h               
527
84
Dustin Milligan @DustinWMilligan
Cross me and I will jack your phone and tweet your drafts
23h               
31
12
Jonathan Sloan @MrBigFists
I question your sincerity in finding your dog, person who posted a lost sign on an index card.

I'd hire a sky writer for mine.
23h               
7
3
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Cool thing about living in LA is meeting someone 899 times & they don't remember you so on the 900th time u slap 'em so they won't forget
23h               
45
Beth @damselesque
The two best things about vacationing with my parents in their tiny Florida condo are the weather and the excuse not to have sex.
1d               
9
1
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
I'm too exhausted to judge you in person today. Do you mind if I just text what's wrong with you?
1d               
188
105
Brian Gaar @briangaar
If you unfollow me, please let me know in the replies so I know which jokes rule
1d               
196
24
Robin McCauley @RobinMcCauley
Cinnabon flavored vodka combines my two favorite things- vodka and depression.
1d               
117
19
Mark Hoppus @markhoppus
@BlitznBeans I'M NOT EVEN WORTHY OF PAVILIONS?!
1d in reply to BlitznBeans               
18
3
Mark Hoppus @markhoppus
Will they even let me in to Whole Foods if I don't have a handlebar moustache and suspenders?
1d               
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858
rob delaney @robdelaney
Just called a cab driver a disgusting racial slur but then I ate some kale so I think we’re good! #2Blessed2Stress
1d               
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393
(maura) @behindyourback
my boss just said "funny it's going to snow but people are still claiming global warming exists" so I lit her office on fire for science
1d               
77
18
elan gale @theyearofelan
Uh oh pic.twitter.com/CuSdBO8DN9
1d               
225
10
shelby fero @shelbyfero
Whenever my kids ask me about dating I'm just going to put on "No Scrubs" and leave the room.
1d               
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85
Evan J'daté Kessler @EvanJKessler
People never stop coming up with new and innovative ways to be annoying on Facebook.
1d               
10
4
Kirk Fox @kirkfox
yes i was home schooled. yes i graduated third in my class. but i did win most likely to take out the trash three years in a row.
1d               
13
3
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
@ikebarinholtz I feel like we can write this in an hour. I'll be right over.
1d in reply to ikebarinholtz               
23
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
saw guy in gym locker room shaving his balls over sink which reminds me, when does the Entourage movie come out?
1d               
93
34
Alex Baze @bazecraze
It was love at first.
1d               
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369
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
My recent trip to Target has forced me to reexamine my long held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.
1d               
191
38
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
#FF these gals even though not one has EVER offered to pay for motel room @anjeanettec @capricecrane @Sassafrantz @DanaAndJulia @Molly_Kats
1d               
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3
MattyTalks @mattytalks
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
1d               
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420
Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz
"Selfie" (2015) PG-13 Jayden Smith has to find the girl that photobombed his selfie on prom night before his rival Skrillex does
1d               
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1,292
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
Nancy Grace is the Harvey Levin of murder.
1d               
45
7
Zandy Hartig @zandywithaz
Now, here’s your Blood Moon, you malcontents.
1d               
4
1
MatzOhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Telling people to go fuck themselves and following it up with "happy Sassover."
1d               
59
7
Charlene @bookmadre
@capricecrane Nachos. One of the world's most glorious creations.
1d in reply to capricecrane               
1
shelby fero @shelbyfero
I want to push this kid into a gutter for FaceTiming while he walks in front of me but I'm scared he'll see it coming.
1d               
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12
(maura) @behindyourback
mixed up IUD and IED again :(
1d               
43
2
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
I call it the Aunt Flo moon because I'm a delicate flower.
1d               
40
2
Clarke Kant @clarkekant
Let’s get the politics out of politics.
1d               
25
6
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
"Well ain't that just a plastic jet up my chooch," is an expression I hope old ladies will say in thirty years. @USAirways
1d               
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68
molly @Molly_Kats
I propose when you're pregnant you should take out your navel ring, OK?
1d               
150
12
Arsenio Hall @ArsenioHall
Back in the day who would have imagined Fred Savage would grow up and direct something @DannyZuker (you) would pen!? pic.twitter.com/hIfSrrewZ6
1d               
33
9
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
Stunning photo of tonight's Blood Moon: pic.twitter.com/jbL7p07GB7
1d               
107
52
Neil T @Neil_Sean
@capricecrane best quip about the plane I've read!
1d in reply to capricecrane               
1
kelly oxford @kellyoxford
HINT: I'm in the next issue of @Playboy. HINT: I'm not going to be naked. HINT: Buy it for my article. HINT: I'd pose 4 @Playboy #airbrushed
1d               
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9
Julian Terris ƸӜƷ ™ @JulianTerris
@capricecrane #texticide :[
1d in reply to capricecrane               
1
The Night Stalker @kolchak
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it are you implying all the other trees are blind?
1d               
5
1
MatzOhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
@capricecrane I'm so glad I'm sober now *swallows 10 allergy pills*
1d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Adam Carl @AdamWearsPants
I see most movies by myself, but I still cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn.
1d               
4
Owen Benjamin @OwenBenjamin
According to @USAirways the missing Malaysia flight is most likely in an amateur model's vagina.
1d               
33
11
MatzOhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Sext: My eyes are so full of pollen they're even redder than my hair.
1d               
38
6
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
If your parents named you Crystal they never wanted you to amount to shit.
1d               
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298
jaaaay! @JayUhOh
This is terrible. Why not just bring a stuffed animal?? pic.twitter.com/9WIX7wYahB
2d               
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1,786
lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren
wow @USAirways you guys celebrate passover differently huh
2d               
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24
Aaron Blitzstein @BlitznBeans
GUYS, THAT PLANE IS ACTUAL SIZE!!!
2d               
52
8
Dave Holmes @DaveHolmes
A bird just flew into my house. Fun fact: apparently when that happens, I yell BIRD IN THE HOUSE BIRD IN THE HOUSE until it flies back out.
2d               
90
17
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
@jennyandteets I would find you hot if you dropped 40-60 lbs.
2d in reply to jennyandteets               
51
1
Jenny Mollen @jennyandteets
You'll never be as skinny as you want to be so why are you still even trying. - encouraging words from my spouse
2d               
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56
Rex Huppke @RexHuppke
Fox News: And where was the president when this plane was crashing into a vagina? #usairways
2d               
134
104
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
Knew I wouldn't regret setting that "vagina plane" Google alert.
2d               
142
20
hrtbps @hrtbps
[US Airways meeting]
American Airlines just got a 14yo girl arrested. How do we compete?
*social media manager pulls out USB stick & winks*
2d               
1,810
1,808
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Can I take this toy plane out of my vagina yet
2d               
166
24
MatzOhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Shout out to people who don't follow me but fav every conversation I have with a famous person. Class acts.
2d               
35
2
nikki griffin @nikki_griffin
Dino-mite! Lovebugs, Christina and Steve! 😍🌿☺️ #nikkisdinosaurbirthday #friends #latergram instagram.com/p/myB-MLg631/
2d               
1
Katyisms @katykk
@capricecrane i was carrying you down the beach when you tweeted this. #Footprints
2d in reply to capricecrane               
2
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan
"Well I'm not a mind reader, Tammy!"
(he stomps into the bedroom, turns back)
"I'm telekinetic!"
(slams door with his mind)
2d               
46
14
Sarah Thyre @SarahThyre
If you scoff at tourists, I assume you never go anywhere and live in your home town.
2d               
85
27
Alison Agosti @AlisonAgosti
Time saver: Brunch on your hike
3d               
26
6
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan
A fun idea would be if more people on the road knew how driving worked.
3d               
51
32
MatzOhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Should probably stop replying "I know, right?" when strangers tell me I have pretty hair.
3d               
72
8
hey Bosh @TheBosha
The most common headline on Craigslist w4m appears to be "Where are the normal guys?!" and the answer is, ahem, not on Craigslist.
3d               
20
1
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
ex-girlfriend just drove past me in brand new Porsche as I walked back to my apartment carrying 7-11 taquito. Everyone have a great Sunday!
3d               
208
51
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
This generation will go down as, perhaps, the greatest in history at taking pictures of themselves.
3d               
525
514
Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans
*pulls gun out during job interview*
"NOW I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!"
3d               
113
51
Marla Lynch @MarlaLynch
@capricecrane You are a girl after my own heart. ;)
3d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Sarah Thyre @SarahThyre
When a dad says "That's such a great age," I can tell he never spends time with his kids.
3d               
78
23
Rex Huppke @RexHuppke
Jenny McCarthy now says she's not against vaccinations, or as she calls them "Nazi-influenced autism pokes."
3d               
44
22
Fortune Feimster @fortunefunny
Let's promise that we'll follow each other forever and ever.
3d               
92
30
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
The tinier the dog, the crazier the lady.
3d               
1,858
1,769
Sean Bonner Ⓥ @seanbonner
OK, it's official ---> havetheyfoundthatplane.com
3d               
1
2
Esther TheWonder Pig @EstherThePig
I secretly love when Shelby cuddles me during movie night. There's room for one more! Who's coming? fb.me/3R3314tdH
3d               
9
2
Rex Huppke @RexHuppke
Whoever named it "angel food" cake sure wasn't struggling with any self-esteem issues.
3d               
29
3
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Hope the guy I bring home tonight doesn't mind if I keep all of my clothes on and ask him to fix the toilet.
3d               
168
22
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Crazy guy in group therapy apologized for calling me a bitch I said ok then I'm sorry for spitting in your coffee he was like WHAT
4d               
83
5
Josh Weinstein @JElvisWeinstein
@johnlevenstein How is it?
4d in reply to johnlevenstein               
1
John Levenstein @johnlevenstein
Sherman Oaks is going nuts over this. Cars are stopping and crashing. pic.twitter.com/gnRzk2UAib
4d               
3
5
Rex Huppke @RexHuppke
"Can I bum a sip off that e-cig, bromigo?" he said, awesomely.
4d               
30
7
Carol @carollwithit
HAHA best one I've seen nailed it RT @capricecrane: Instagram is down so everyone is canceling brunch because why bother?
4d in reply to capricecrane               
1
The Night Stalker @kolchak
"Is Pepsi okay?" pic.twitter.com/hektIjPMRA
4d               
7
5
Robin McCauley @RobinMcCauley
How will I know what it's like outside with Instagram down?
4d               
107
54
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
I finally get my nails done and Instagram is down! #FML
4d               
298
100
Brian @BDGarp
If it's a beautiful day and Instagram's down, how will anyone believe me?
4d               
143
86
elan gale @theyearofelan
The best part of being a baby is everyone has to pretend you're cute and not an annoying screaming meat pile
4d               
186
67
Steve Amiri @SteveAmiri
Instagram is down. Gonna go to a mall and start handing out Polaroids of an omelet I ate earlier.
4d               
356
311
Aaron Blitzstein @BlitznBeans
I have never had breakfast in LA without overhearing someone say, "We're about to turn in the second draft."
4d               
81
11
Nick Youssef @NickYoussef
FUN GAME: Walk up to people on dates and go: "Both of you should really get tested because neither of you look safe."
4d               
14
1
Frankie @Francesca1000
Bringing positivity with every tweet. #FF @capricecrane @RobinMcCauley @LouisPeitzman @clarkekant @DearAnyone @juliussharpe
4d               
3
Kim Sherrell @kim
@capricecrane @carolleifer @VanityFair Oh, I need this book.
4d in reply to capricecrane               
2
1
Alex Baze @bazecraze
I resent the underscore in your email address.
4d               
322
92
Diane Warren @Diane_Warren
Heard Minnie Driver quit Twitter ovr bikini body bullying. If I showed my bikini body on Twitter everyone would want to quit Twitter!
4d               
31
17
Stephanie Gutierrez @stephaniesits
I never feel more busted than when my hairstylist asks if I cut my own bangs.
4d               
9
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
Please have a dance battle at my funeral that somehow ends with the casket getting knocked over
4d               
383
147
lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren
casual friday is fun becuase you can wear bagels on your nipples
4d               
75
14
Oxblood Abernathy @OxbloodAbernthy
Oh the irony... Keep me in your thoughts, @capricecrane pic.twitter.com/nhToQBBgiv
4d               
1
Jeremy Bronson @JeremyBronson
Worse than not knowing "your/you're" is being proud of knowing "your/you're."
5d               
115
53
Feetiesandtoes @feetiesandtoes
@capricecrane you fucking read my mind i swear
5d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Oxblood Abernathy @OxbloodAbernthy
@capricecrane (voice mail) "Caprice!! Honeyyy... This is your mother... I saw your phone battery is down to 7%... Is everything okayyy?"
5d in reply to capricecrane               
3
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
This week went by so fast! I didn't even get a chance to tell you how much I hated what you wore on Tuesday.
5d               
219
99
Evan J'daté Kessler @EvanJKessler
If you're a fan of people saying things without first thinking them through, you'll love brainstorming meetings!
5d               
11
3
Miah St Cyr @MiahSaint
lol pic.twitter.com/EA1zXsUiMd
5d               
23
Guy Endore-Kaiser @GuyEndoreKaiser
I can always tell when Coachella is happening, because suddenly it's easy to find Whole Foods parking in the middle of the day.
5d               
240
107
lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren
@mollymcnearney *cut to your office getting faxes as a bit every day by comedians for the next year*
5d in reply to mollymcnearney               
8
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
No one could write anything as hilarious as my real life except some sort of omnipotent sadistic jester and that's why I'm a Believer.
5d               
41
7
Molly McNearney @mollymcnearney
Who the shit sends a fax?
5d               
101
24
albertina rizzo @albz
I used to really like dolphins but then I wasn't 10 years old anymore.
5d               
21
5
Kim Sherrell @kim
Condi Rice is reading my screenplay. #humblebrag
5d               
35
2
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
Want to feel old? This is the baby from the first Nirvana cover today. pic.twitter.com/omk3ryKivc
5d               
75
31
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
A group of Twitter people is called a one-up.
5d               
59
3
Kirk Fox @kirkfox
What doesn't kill us has a friend who will.
5d               
25
15
Rex Huppke @RexHuppke
The great @robfee put me on a list with a bunch of people who are funnier than me. WHAT A MEAN THING TO DO!! mandatory.com/2014/04/11/thi…
5d               
5
Shane Nickerson @shanenickerson
How've you been?
Good how've you been?
Not bad what's new?
Not much what's new with you?
Not too much.
Kids good?
Yeah, you?

repeat ∞ times
5d               
13
4
Michele Catalano @inthefade
I feel like I optioned the rights to my life story to buzzfeed by taking that quiz.
5d               
2
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
Shout out to all you batteries sold separately. Someday you'll be included.
5d               
147
102
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
In high school we had to memorize the Gettysburg Address which has come in handy all the times I've had to speak at a Civil War battleground
5d               
1,502
935
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
Why the hell are objects in our car mirrors closer than they appear? That's no time to trick us we're drivin' and tryin' to not die and shit
5d               
195
158
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
I am NOT getting out of bed unless a bear dog in an Ewok costume appears in my room with a giant latte, some new boots and Ewan McGregor.
5d               
44
6
timothycsimons @timothycsimons
I checked twitter as soon as my eyes opened this morning because I'm a fucking monster.
5d               
83
33
Melissa @melisssa103
@capricecrane S01E07 of 90210 has the best lines. Can definitely tell it's your writing. I spotted your Stupid & Contagious book too ☺
5d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Fortune Feimster @fortunefunny
Happy National Siblings Day to my identical twin! pic.twitter.com/ucQWaMcdnZ
5d               
308
75
Lisa Renee @LisaRenee123
@capricecrane dang, you really make me laugh hard sometimes! Right when I needed it, too! (I feel like "remember when..." at this moment) ;)
5d in reply to capricecrane               
2
Stephanie @feministkillj0y
@capricecrane Such a major girl sin! Help me out, don't get me fucked up!
5d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Chris Stark @PraisetheStark
@capricecrane That's less of a superpower and more a necessity in my household.
5d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Carol Leifer @carolleifer
MY BOOK JUST HIT #1 ON AMAZON IN "SPORTS & ENTERTAINMENT"! WOO HOO!!! bit.ly/1hr1f6b
5d               
13
1
Miah St Cyr @MiahSaint
"Happy Siblings Day to a Wonderful Sister and One Hell of a Kisser?" Luke, you have seriously got to let this go.
5d               
34
2
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I'd rather let Wesley Snipes file my taxes than go to Coachella.
6d               
762
479
timothycsimons @timothycsimons
RE - JLD Rolling Stone cover inaccuracies: Did you know that the constitution was also not originally printed on a modern-day actress' back?
6d               
50
31
Fiona Gubelmann @FionaGubelmann
I mean.... pic.twitter.com/4Gf1kZmgPH
6d               
38
49
Julia Louis-Dreyfus @OfficialJLD
#TBT John Hancock not part of tattoo.It is a birthmark.1962 photo is proof. Apologies 2 @RollingStone #crackexcuse pic.twitter.com/h9fYXGqBSo
6d               
2,232
1,374
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Glad they named a "Late Show" host. It's important to know who I might be watching when I can't fall to sleep on a Tuesday a year from now.
6d               
185
64
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Hey! @littleesther is on THE FOGELNEST FILES today. Uh, sorry we're so tiny and adorable!!! itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/85-… pic.twitter.com/lOP7EQgViZ
6d               
38
3
rob delaney @robdelaney
Why pay all that money & drive all the way to Coachella when I can get heatstroke & shit into a Happy Meal box in my garage?
6d               
1,892
957
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
Hey, I need to crash in your tent at Coachella.
6d               
19
4
Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt
Hey, could someone ask Suey Park to start a #CancelOswalt campaign? I'd love to host the Oscars next year.
6d               
1,990
1,148
Steve Kandell @SteveKandell
Gonna be awkward having someone else host The Colbert Report, but that's why they don't call it show friends.
6d               
6
1
lauren caltagirone @MrsRupertPupkin
Get your boyfriend to propose by wearing a skin suit of his actual girlfriend.
6d               
178
57
Seth Webster Ⓥ @sethwebster
@FionaGubelmann I love @GraciasMadre, there is no equal. You obviously have great taste. /cc @capricecrane @thebestalexweed
6d in reply to FionaGubelmann               
1
VegOut Boutique Ⓥ @VegOutBoutique
Mine too @simonereyes <3
6d in reply to simonereyes               
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
Google, can I use bitcoins to purchase sex
6d               
164
31
Eric Martin @EricMarten
Can it still be considered 'trash' if I'm eating it?
6d               
13
5
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
If you're splitting the check on a date, just break up. You're not gonna get married.
6d               
503
243
Kate Spencer @katespencer
@rejectedjokes are u watching me thru the Internet
6d in reply to rejectedjokes               
9
Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes
Congrats! You've written for 8 seconds straight! Reward yourself by spending the next 10 hours clicking on nonsense on the internet.
6d               
1,184
817
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
Don't take it personally. It's just that if I don't roll my eyes, I'll die.
6d               
50
16
Eliza Bayne @ElizaBayne
Why are people upset that Archie is going to be killed off? If I had to be in high school for that long I'd rather be dead
6d               
82
18
Lauren Reeves @laurenreeves
"Congrats on being so obsessed with yourself!" -what I'd like to comment on some people's instagrams if I knew it'd make a difference.
6d               
50
22
andy lassner @andylassner
You are not a real "social media expert" unless it's cost you your family.
7d               
256
71
Lauren Reeves @laurenreeves
I'm pretty drunk. I should go to Crossfit.
7d               
46
7
Ty @Ty_Schutz
I like how we need "low fat" things, because eating less is just too fucking difficult.
7d               
30
8
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
My dog is a total babe.
7d               
24
9
M a r t y3p0 @aShiverOfSharks
@samantharonson @capricecrane well then I'd like to tell you about how Taco Cat is Taco Cat backwards.
7d in reply to samantharonson               
7
3
Anjeanette Carter @anjeanettec
I have to really know someone before I can show them what’s on my DVR.
7d               
31
10
Eliza Bayne @ElizaBayne
Brandon Spikes said his time with the Patriots was "4 Years a Slave." While Tom Brady said his ENTIRE LIFE was “Better than any movie ever”
7d               
50
13
The Night Stalker @kolchak
Be sure to add me on WhatsApp so we can ignore it and just text all the time.
7d               
4
1
Christopher Rice @chrisricewriter
A Facebook follower said he goes to my mother 4 advice and me 4 something to look at. So I sent him this! #marketing pic.twitter.com/BUN7rabE23
7d               
46
5
Wernich van Staden @wernichthaone
@capricecrane You're some kind of witch prophet aren't you?
7d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Charlie Meisch @meitweet
The Fiona Gallagher Maxim. RT @capricecrane: Don't freak out when things are going well in your life. You'll sabotage yourself soon enough.
7d               
2
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
My mother couldn't afford a Diaper Genie, so she waited until nightfall to toss our heavy-laden diapers onto the neighbor's roof.
7d               
37
4
MatzOhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
"Can you even build a snowman?" -Teen Anna
7d               
84
28
lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren
this is me reading your tweets pic.twitter.com/7CQPOACttD
7d               
41
2
colson whitehead @colsonwhitehead
When you follow someone & turns out they're best buds w/someone you also follow & now they clog your feed tweeting bs at each other all day.
7d               
33
14
Brian Gaar @briangaar
Jolene's response rap to Dolly Parton
7d               
384
129
Bill Mc7 @BillMc7
Do you have a podcast? Find out tonight at 11.
7d               
71
4
Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman
Everything I learned about applying make up on I learned from 14 year olds on YouTube
7d               
2,255
1,039
Owen Benjamin @OwenBenjamin
If you're an asshole to people your success will be short. If you're good to people your community will never let you fail.
7d               
59
35
ChicagoRob @Rob_the_air
@capricecrane Or a banana...ever.
7d in reply to capricecrane               
1
Chuck Brisket @DonoBomb
.@capricecrane if you haven't been there...you'll never understand #LookAway #EyeOffMyFork
7d in reply to capricecrane               
1
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Girl next to me on the plane is a cashier and she said sometimes she just wants to tell customers to fuck off I was like live your dreams
7d               
164
25
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