We found 195 favorite tweets.
In a Portland park listening as a woman calls out repeatedly to her dog, Barnacle. The woman is not .
I'm a basic bitch with a LASIK itch.
Re. finding a boyfriend, I'm awfully picky for a girl who forgot to remove her shower cap for at least 20 mins.
I am a milf without a child ... I am the Impossible MILF
It's Adam and Stone Cold Eve Austin, not Adam and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
It's a shame that Mad Men ends because it would have been fun to see Don pitch on Super Soaker. "Every kid wants to be shot in the face."
I'm really feeling my Ohio fantasy this week, by which I mean overeating, dressing like IDGAF, and hanging with my nephews until bedtime.
Sometimes I feel bad for schlubby middle aged white guys. It's not their fault they look creepy putting together Easter baskets.
i have more class in just one of my split ends than you have in all of your wait shit
I'm so going to use "Blood Moon" as my excuse for acting like a total c tonight.
I’ve watched 20+ hours of Doctor Who now. Does he ever actually fight anyone or does he just kind of show up, be annoying and leave?
I'm really worried about this Heartbeeps bug thing. I do a lot of anticomedy on the Internet.
Or "Ad People" -- there are several female characters.
still don't get why it's called "Mad Men" - wouldn't "Ad Men" make more sense?
Sometimes I worry you guys aren't even thinking every day of your lives about the Buzz Bissinger cross-dressing shopping addict article.
I’m glad and had fun on their Icelandic vacation, but I’m happy they’re back because I NEEDED to talk about Godzilla.
im a wet hot american bummer
The only fashion rule is this: if you can leave your home wearing it, you can pull it off.
Either I just got mugged, or that guy was a terrible gun salesman.
“: happy friday! a stripey cat?”
I respect my brothers too much for this sibling day bullshit. I'll tell them to their dumb faces how much I hate their stupid guts.
i will help u 2 create a scandalous atmosphere
Are we sure that the ancient papyrus they found about Jesus mentioning a wife wasn't just a super early draft of Borat?
"If I Had a Million Dollars" isn't cool. You know what's cool? "One Week."
Would you rather have $1,000 or one penny doubled every day for a month? It may surprise you to hear that I won't give you either one.
Coachella? More like Cloaca!
Hardwick And The Angry Inch.
This is a slam dunk and you know it. It better get a ton of favorites.
Diet Coke before bed, feel no dread, Diet Coke in the morning, cool breakfast.
My porn name would be Jon Listens Well.
I paid $50 for my therapist to recommend a TED talk and $1 for a shark puppet at the Goodwill
guess which one increased my will to live
The thirst is real…. for CONTENT!
My TED talk about millennials is coming along great
I finally managed to see the season premiere of Game of Thrones. I guessed Hodor’s HBO Go password on the first try.
This is disgusting. Via . Stop seeking to optimize your life before this happens to you.
I used to have a crush on pharrell until he came out in favor of being happy
Microsoft Word is the Microsoft Worst!!
Two self-help books I came close to checking out at the library today: "Life Coaching for Dummies" and "You Already Know What to Do."
48 hours from now Paul Rudd runs wild with me on the streets of NYC! New Weds nite 11/10c on !!!
I'm gonna buy some property in Detroit and then rent it out to some trust fund hipster gentrifiers 10 years from now. $$$$$$$
My favorite Blizzard flavor is Various Pills.
My dog's treats are in the uncanny valley of bacon smells. It's like if aliens tried to approximate bacon from only a written description.
If I ever get a flirty direct message on here, I am going to print it out and put it up on my bulletin board next to a Garfield comic!!!!
In the BATMAN movie, Adam West calls an egg "nature's perfect container." Have a great evening.
Penis Euphemism Log (Scottish Edition) Entry #45: "Bagpipe"
Now the student has become the T-shirt.
Jon Hamm at my wine store; I have definitely found the perfect life. Hashtag this is my LA
I think the people most excited about a new Black Keys album are the fine folks at Subaru's ad agency.
I really miss The Best Sh ♫THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME BAAAAAAD COMPANY♫
I've finally hit rock bottom with my Emerald Nightmare addiction. Only The Best Show can bring me back.
My diet has been Elf-meat free for too long
Be EXTRA sure to follow , because everyone should be as up on my BFF's nuts as I am.
Annoying people don't need OK Cupid. They just walk around in public going ˝Babe... babe... babe...˝ until someone responds.
Guys, I'm really excited for kohlrabi to come back in season.
“Isadora and I split the mixed green salad; the contents were delish.” - some incredible toolbag reviewing a pizza restaurant on yelp
I wanted an energy drink, and I just told the clerk to get me "whatever looks the most like Brawndo."
To be sure he's protected from telepathy, does Magneto wear that helmet when he's in the bathroom, or is his bathroom made of helmet stuff?
I am relinquishing the title of Bananaman. (Who am i kidding?) APRIL FOOLS
Please, no April Fool's jokes on Twitter today. We're THIS CLOSE to solving everything & you'll just get in the way
swimsuits these days !!! how could u possibly be expected to swim in that ??
"I don't like coffee, but I *LOVE* coffee-related baked goods, you know what I mean? Ha ha. Anyway, um, 'better.'" -Me at the eye doctor
cutting my hair at my desk bc its tuesday & who gives a rip
Listening to archives with in my freshly painted apt. Acknowledging how lucky I am to be listened to & loved. ❤️
I know this progressive all-women's Portland gym is supposed to be a safe space but srsly wtf are u wearin right now
Is it ok if Superchunk is my new favorite band in 2014
No one else seems to want to say it so I will: there are too many fake Tupac holograms out there and it’s hard to identify the real one
I'm gonna go ahead & get the kids to bed early. It's a school night & I want to eat some candy.
s/o to my brothers for being standup dudes who treat women with respect & kindness
I'm a Damon Wayans in the streets and a Damon Wayans, Jr. in the sheets.
Stop arresting people for smoking marijuana and start arresting boring people for referring to themselves as "raconteurs"
Conventions should offer workshops where drag queens teach cosplayers proper posture and how to walk in heels
"Sounds awful," says area wife.
Yes, that was an Earthquake and now that I have your attention, I have some thoughts I'd like to share with you about Scientology.
Weird that the lyrics to the Mad Men opening song are just, "faaaacebook, faaaaacebook, email, emaaaaaail."
Mike's Chris Hardwick Lemonade
Scientists "Still Not 100%" On Where Killer Whale's Eyes Are. "We Think They Might Be The Big White Patches," Said Lead Researcher.
Hey, if you can find a bigger cutie than me online, more power to ya!!!
♪Frasier Babies/ they'll make your dreams come truuuue/ Frasier Babies/ tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♩
guys i bought that one wu tang album, and there's no one to discuss it with :(
At the vegan bakery, a table of Reed students argue loudly about which of them is whiter. "That's pinteresting," one of them says.
Having a rough skin day? Remember: zits too shall pass. Or not, whatever.
How am I doing? I'm goop. I mean goop. I mean GOOP. I MEAN GOOP. I mean good.
My Game of Thrones house sigil would be a guy rearranging furniture in his living room so he can have extra space to do a big puzzle.
You guy, I almost tweeted "Poop Tarts" for that game. I didn't though. I didn't.
For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn. I held them really close to my face at the shoe store and they seemed way bigger. I don't have a kid.
I am dating Chris Martin from Coldplay now.
"One of the main reasons I wanted to buy a farm was so I could fire a gun. [long pause] I have a ragged thumbnail."
Apparently it's actually Sunday but who cares it's like the great singer Chuck Morrissey says, "Every Day (with pets) is Like Saturday."
Sunny day, wearin' my Be Bit necklace
( has the st ches)
forgot it was Anime Boston weekend. Sitting next to Ash Ketchum on the T.
Bop it, Ok, I got it so far. Spin it? Sure, sounds reasonable. Twist it? Well, when in Rome I suppose. Pull it? Haha, well, you're the boss.
If you look very closely at the FedEx logo, you can see a delivery man kicking your package off a bridge.
my mom remodeled the kitchen and it looks like a panera
"I'm going to buy a really nice dust pan."
You can find me in the club / pocket full of clubs / tiny versions of me in each club with pockets full of clubs / and so on / infinitely
Instead of wearing Beats by Dre headphones, I tape two fifty dollar bills to my Apple earbuds.
I stopped crying and spring cleaned my head
by that logic, I'm also surprised "the best vegetarian hot dog" and "Vincent D'Onofrio on a boat" haven't called me
A FREE recommendation from me to you: see the comedian Kate Berlant when she’s in your town. I laughed so much it was kind of scary!
My album drops at Midnight.
Baeball (n.) A baseball player who is also your bae.
Here is my brief meditation on the progression of the athletic slide, which is going nowheresville. SPRING
Okay, maybe it doesn't actually work, because there's no way that's true.
You can say nearly anything you want and people will believe you if you preface it with, "I heard on Radiolab..."
loving this new version of gchat
"The office ws silent, save 4 the sounds of a fidgety freelancer wearing a leather skirt." excerpt frm my 4thcoming novel, basd on tru story
I like to think my shrink is such a jerk because he's mad about how he'll never get wit dis.
My tea tastes like soap! Prayers appreciated.
hey guys did you see this cool pic of Bette Midler's feet?
“: Spring is nearly here! ”
Watching Ken Burns' "The West." Love that the first person to reach yellowstone plateau's smoking geysers thought they maybe found hell.
in the new veronica mars movie she tries to get a cat killed. its what the fans wanted
Actually, this is an Emotional Needs Meatball Sub. I have doctor's permission to take it anywhere. Please continue your sermon. (chewing)
“Remember, remember the fifteenth of Marchvember” - The Soothsayer to Caesar probably
YO WHAT ARE YOUR PETS UP TO MINE ARE BEIN P. CHILL
Yeah baby that's a canvas tote full of kale—you gonna drop your Lulu's now or should I whisper to you about Radiolab for a little bit first
It's a crime that "I saw your mom at Home Depot last night, 99 cents" is so hard to use with any real frequency.
Yeah but Pi doesn't give a fuck about you you know.
It's pi day, which means millions of white internet people will consider themselves smart for knowing 1 fact about a circle
I wake up, see this tweet, flawless.
What I lack in the breast department I make up for with hairy arms and self deprecation.
EXCLUSIVE SCENE from that alternate (and better?) version of House of Cards: VIDEO
Imagine if in House of Cards Kevin Spacey was into hot dogs instead of ribs. Just looking at the camera talking about hot dogs all the time.
Sometimes I feel like nobody's even trying to make movies in my favorite genre, Out of Sight Starring Mr. George Clooney.
i'm not completely sure Iggy Azalea ISN'T actually Chelsea Peretti's 'Farley' from Kroll Show
YESSS!!! FINALLY GOT A NEW PHONE
. Pretty obviously a few loads of human semen in my cat's litter box this morning. Know anything about this?
. saw u on zach's webseries, want to come on my podcast, we can watch some old Blondie videos or w/e
I recommend playing and listening to and eating frozen yogurt.
Those are my
I've always wondered where hamsters came from in the wild
"I heard there was a 'special place' down here and I DEMAND to see it!" - assholes in Hell
Ah, the city's saddest fountain. An arc of dull metal tubing with poor water pressure. Just a frown drooling between the gaps in its teeth
THINGS I'M WONDERING:
If I was born with a bugle for a hand would it grow as I grow?
Would I be more attractive with a bugle for a hand?
Is anyone else shipping Milk and Courtney Act suuuuuper hard?
I was excited about The Grand Budapest until I realized Tilda Swinton would be doing oldface. Agephobia. Disgraceful.
Few things would make my dad happier than me settling down with a nice Jewish boy and/or Tim Gunn.
Gonna try real hard to have a positive attitude and do my best work today.
It’s what Philomena would have wanted.
When I do a naked cartwheel it sounds like someone is playing the jug.
People who eat cold pizza - what's wrong w/ u? The cheese has the same consistency as my natural deodorant, which I never stop talking about
EAT LIKE A KING! RIDE IN A CAR! GET SMOOCHED BY A TODDLER!
I really overdid it on the frosting this weekend; can't wait for the hallucinations to subside.
Fun fact: True Detective was almost called Deuce Betective: Male Detective.
My weekend was very "mama gorilla w/ clinging babies," except with nephews and slightly less body hair.
Cosmos? I've been calling it "Cobsmos."
The Grand Budapest Hotel is easily my favorite Kevin Smith film since Spy Kids.
I can't start my day of occupying my time with frivolous nonsense, thus wasting the gift of life without my coffee. I just can't.
my dog looks just like a giant, pink mustache so you can see why I get so upset when I see those cars
had a dream I could tweet my way to heaven, when I woke up I spent it on thinkpiece
I saw an advance screening of MUPPETS MOST WANTED. It's dark and twisted. No spoilers, but four Muppets do not survive the film.
"Are these bitcoins??"
*dad holds up pepperoni*
Dad no ugh stop
Does the Macklemore match the Ryan Lewis?
I like to keep a straight pin in the medicine cabinet just in case I have to puncture something in my face.
Congrats on your 50★ Tweet! Cause I just gave you 50 stars for this.
Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus are fighting. I'm a and also . I refuse to comment. Please respect my privacy.
sexually transmitted design
Would love to have a stern chat w/ the mothers of all the puds who work here. Tell 'em they need to go back in time and DO A BETTER JOB.
"I dunno, just re-sketch it and make it a little more... whatever."
I think God could be anything. Like, God could be a podcast.
You can wear green with any floral print because flowers have green leaves. Also, brown tights are okay because dirt is brown.
"I keep getting older, and ten-years-in-the-future-me...shit..also keeps getting older. Whoa. Fuck I'm high." -McConaughey
Bongo party at McConaughy's.
And the Oscar goes to... If Banksy was a dog he would be called Barksy.
Yourself in the future is the one goal you fucking necessarily attain jesus christ
Is this a good time to say that 1995 Woody Harrelson in True Detective can get it? Help what is going on
I was going to audition for a musical this week, but then the Let It Go acceptance speech reminded me to not like musical theater people.
shouts to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 2
I prefer his earlier, funnier molestations.
I like kimchi that hisses and snarls when you open the jar
It would be helpful to know which parts of your life are just monster of the week episodes and which have significance to the larger arc.
I thought the Captain Phillips theme sounded familiar- it's 'Rock Me Amadeus' with the words changed. ( "Rock Me, Captain Phillips")
Ate so much ramen that I’ll either live forever or not survive the night.
how come when beyonce says it she's sexy & fierce but when i say "i woke up like this" people look concerned & give me a hug
To everyone who keeps asking --- yes, Matthew McConaughey's character Rust in "True Detective" is based entirely on me.
Update: found my Visa card the last place I used it...your mom's house FUUUUCKKKK YEAAAAHHHHH ZINNGGG
A random number generator and a cheerleader sit in a room with no doors or windows. "59" "'so random!" "1,386" "'so random!" "i"... FOREVER
After my haircut, my barber told me, "You look like a movie star" (he always tells me this). But what if I don't FEEL like a movie star?
Just scrolling through instagram commenting "normcore" on all pics.
Boys, this here is Easy Upsell Elisabeth. Been singlehandedly keepin' this Jiffy Lube in business for years.
I have hated myself since before I was cool.
And lastly, a cat who expresses my innermost desires (to curl up and go to sleep): Salome.
Leda is Wilford Brimley-ish in stature if not in 'stache,
Nothing a little iced coffee and shopping can't cure. Oh except chronic depression.
What I wouldn't give for a movie where Bryan Cranston is yelling his head off about Mothra.
She's a total MILF (Mothra I'd Like to Fly).
My dearest Elizabeth, I hope this letter finds you well. The Civil War is actually really good. I love too get bayoneted in the battles.
"I love the Euro!" -guy in this coffee shop
The eyes of Bob Costas are now jet black and smoking.