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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
Lauren DddddPortland, OR2008-02-19
@laurenddddd2,415 days
long tails and ears for hats
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
4535453,704154,552
We found 195 favorite tweets.
Adam Schafer @ajds
Had to have 'the talk' with my kids about getting 'high' on 'drugs' just to give context to the 'Dave's not here" bit.
8h               
6
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
It was actually Dr. Saxobeat, MD before he moved to America.
4d               
5
Brian Heater @bheater
The True Detective Season 3 leads are a total cop out. pic.twitter.com/wZgWgBDssN
6d               
4
Oyster Smiling @GaryBuh
Will the android vs iOS war go down as history's most ignored and boring conflict? Only time will tell.
6d               
5
1
matthew williamson @mlwilliamson
blogwave
7d               
2
Oyster Smiling @GaryBuh
Drinking game idea: hang out with some friends
9d               
9
5
Jeannetto @jeannetto
It's only 2:30? It feels like I wanna kill myself.
10d               
4
elisabeth @whathappened
TUFFY!
#requestacatpic

@laurenddddd: an energetic cat! (blurry pics ok)” pic.twitter.com/BWzyzWP0B9
10d               
2
elisabeth @whathappened
something going on here.

@mandarinmarie: You got a cat pic featuring some antics? #requestacatpicpic.twitter.com/t8ZM9bfmTu
10d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
My new bf Andre wants to play with my face. #requestacatpic

@mrsjesscharlton: Got any playful cats?” pic.twitter.com/xPBKUTepcX
10d               
7
elisabeth @whathappened
bonus lurker in the back
@mel_evans: I am interested in two cats who appear to be in love. #requestacatpicpic.twitter.com/g57HN5Soyk
10d               
6
elisabeth @whathappened
Am I supposed to call the doctor when my snot changes color, or is grossing out friends and acquaintances on twitter good enough?
12d               
3
Mike W @perfumed_chain
The walls are so thin here I can hear a few depressing conversations at once!
13d               
4
Hella Mirren @hey_friend
Fact: at least 65% of my time is spent impotently waiting for teens to get in the car already
13d               
9
Adam Schafer @ajds
@laurenddddd If you're doing it right, any underwear can be fun2wear!
15d in reply to laurenddddd               
2
Alex Chidester @achidester
@laurenddddd boy shorts for women, boxer brief for men.
15d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Brandon Leedy @brandonleedy
@laurenddddd I know that instinct will probably tell you "edible" but fight that instinct... some merino wool will hold up better.
15d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Chase @ethosophical
@relaxatorium @laurenddddd $RGCY
15d in reply to relaxatorium               
1
Dave Stern @relaxatorium
@ethosophical @laurenddddd Uggh Chase, I don't care how much stock you bought in Regrorduroy, it's just not happening.
15d in reply to ethosophical               
2
Chase @ethosophical
@laurenddddd Corduroy and regret.
15d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Jeannetto @jeannetto
@laurenddddd hanes 6 pack with a bonus 2 free pairs
15d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
uosuɥoɾ uǝq @GameDesignerBen
@laurenddddd clean
15d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Mike Schmidt @The40YearOldBoy
Wait, the NFL plays GAMES? All this week I thought it was a terrorist organization.
15d               
10
4
Adam Schafer @ajds
I like all 4 seasons:

Pumpkin shoved in things

Peppermint shoved in things

Spring

&

Lime shoved in things.
16d               
25
7
Kumail Nanjiani @kumailn
Time to come clean. I'm the one who's been leaving single kid shoes on sidewalks for years.
17d               
478
107
Jeannetto @jeannetto
I've never fished or hunted. I haven't eaten meat in 16 years. I think I'm allowed to shoot one cat with an air soft rifle.
18d               
3
Evan W. @EvanW2K
1. Gonna start numbering all my tweets so people think I have something worthwhile and provocative to share.
18d               
4
Evan W. @EvanW2K
Just ate so much Subway I could barf. (One six inch sub.)
18d               
8
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
2014: black ppl wearing high end avant garde fashion like rick owens & margiela while white folks wearing early 2000s streetwear for tumblr
18d               
20
10
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
What they say is true: All the good ones are either married, gay, or not nuts about the sweet wolf mask I wear during love-making.
19d               
39
5
Emma @theygotemma
Voter Frog, the voter fraud frog
19d               
15
6
pilot?????? @pilotbacon
SNL wanted me to host this year but i turned them down because i have plans on saturday nights since i’m not a fuckin’ nerd
19d               
73
16
Adam Schafer @ajds
Not impressed with the iWatch. pic.twitter.com/mtvRm9nRvt
20d               
4
schmittsteve @schmittsteve
"Disguised as a Earthling, I will become a powerful actor. I will call myself Jack Human."
"No, too on the nose. How about Hugh Jackman?"
20d               
1
Jeannetto @jeannetto
I broke my phone today, or should I say Steve Jobs' ghost broke my phone today.
20d               
4
Jenny Lewis @craxy
Didn't notice until I got back in my office and closed the door that I had taken an entire roll of paper towels w/me after washing my fruit.
20d               
1
Steve Spillman @spillman
The Apple Watch is Not Cool
20d               
2
1
Oyster Smiling @GaryBuh
Looking forward to exciting new developments in beveled/unbeveled icons in the next hour or so. Which will it be!?
20d               
2
Adam Schafer @ajds
What happens in Vegas, stays infected.
21d               
1
Adam Schafer @ajds
'I eat shit like you for second breakfast.' - Hobbit bullies.
22d               
6
1
Gregory Cat-Holder @cat_beltane
tendy cat, straight enjoying this blessing
tendy cat, eatin tendys and dressing pic.twitter.com/L7cmqUu01I
23d               
73
12
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
This bottle of Aspirin expires tomorrow, so it would be dangerous NOT to take them all right now.
24d               
49
12
Mike W @perfumed_chain
.@chuckwoolery drop dead
24d in reply to chuckwoolery               
11
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
Snack Realism: combine the thing-flavored snack with a little bit of the actual thing
24d               
21
7
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
I heard there was a funky sound, that David played and the Lord got down. But you don't really boogie woogie, do ya? #Iamcool
24d               
28
13
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
Fat people aren't automatically unhealthy. They have a body type, not a disease.
24d               
5
Oyster Smiling @GaryBuh
Another day, another session of staring at the mirror and praying to whatever god will have me that I'm not basic.
24d               
5
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Still thinking about this "Hello Kitty is not a cat" thing and I'm fucking furious.
31d               
122
36
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
You think if Paul McCartney wasn't a Beatle he'd just be one of these grampas taking forever trying to pay for a mocha with his cell phone?
31d               
3
Catie Naboorunelly @catiemonster
Invention: shower webcam that can only be viewed by a few close friends in case you actually brain yourself since you slip ALL THE TIME.
31d               
2
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
I'm looking for one of those Coke bottles with the names on them. Anyone have Hexxus, Wearer of the Blood-Cloak, Destroyer of Worlds?
32d               
55
11
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
. @sanrio Hello Kitty is a cat
32d               
28
6
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
Huh. Celestial Seasonings tea bags usually have quotes from Mark Twain or Maya Angelou. All this one says is ˝Eatin' ain't cheatin'˝
33d               
66
11
Gregormortis @plusgreg
ASMR_Man_Clearing_Overgrown_Weeds_with_a_Machete_While_Cry-Singing_“Nothing_Compares_2U”.mp4
33d               
2
1
Geneva! @badgrammer
Not a week goes by when I don't get that sound of @scharpling making fun of a guy's Coheed & Cambria riffs stuck in my head. #BestShowWFMU
33d               
13
Adam Schafer @ajds
Just got a massage, but couldn't relax because I pictured someone jumping up & yelling 'I fucking love this song' to some new age crap.
34d               
3
Control Top @thepantyhose
I use Snapchat for the exact purpose its creators intended: sending my doctor brothers urgent medical queries.
34d               
3
Todd Barry @toddbarry
If you fill up your punch card after 9 small coffees & cash it in for a large, it's the same as making $150k a year.
34d               
112
39
Control Top @thepantyhose
I'm setting up a lemonade stand, except for petting my hair (it's very soft and silky today). #bachelorofscience
34d               
1
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
A tips for telling stalactites and stalagmites apart: One is a beautiful rock formation and one is a SONOFABITCH THAT SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!
35d               
44
12
elisabeth @whathappened
I wrote this blog about humping. I'm out here doing god's work.
@RoverDotCom: Dog Sexuality 101 bit.ly/1qj5ZxD
35d               
4
1
Diana Wright @ThatsWright
I don't think I can ever achieve a thigh gap but I could achieve a thigh old navy.
35d               
7
3
erin whitehead @girlwithatail
If I sleep on my back in the morning I have to fish my boobs out from between my ribs.
37d               
14
Mike W @perfumed_chain
I'm listening to Britney Spears while I make dinner. It's making me v happy.
38d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
My choice is always this weirdo. #requestacatpic

@wotsac: Dealers’ Choice again. I need catpic.” pic.twitter.com/fyy26Wn9d6
38d               
8
elisabeth @whathappened
Coquina is DONE
@mel_evans: Are there any cats who can't even today? #requestacatpicpic.twitter.com/HG2gcgK4bL
38d               
5
1
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Why hasn't the homeless man with the golden voice taken the Ice Bucket Challenge?
38d               
138
17
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
Is that a Moleskine notebook in your back pocket or are you just unemployed to see me?
38d               
86
32
Casey Kolderup @ckolderup
me irl pic.twitter.com/CiP9fdkwso
38d               
12
1
Craig Hockenberry @chockenberry
JUST DID A ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE WITH A GIN AND TONIC EXCEPT I DRANK IT
38d               
50
35
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
(Singing like Elvis) Are you hungryyyy toniiiiight?
39d               
1
Amanda Brooke Perrin @brookeperrin
going as Oprah chai tea for halloween
40d               
22
3
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Crackheads printing photos is a thing. A bigger thing than you may have realized.
40d               
5
jonronson @jonronson
What the fuck happened to sweet August non news stories? It's been shit like October news.
40d               
41
28
larry micallef @laceymicallef
my ride is here pic.twitter.com/f9f8unET30
40d               
42
5
Jeannetto @jeannetto
The MTV generation is going straight to hell. You senile old bastards.
40d               
7
Gregormortis @plusgreg
Went out to my lawn and dumped an bucket of milkshake on my head because my yard was woefully underboyed. #WhatIsThisJokeEven
41d               
5
Amanda Brooke Perrin @brookeperrin
omg i thought you said "lice" bucket challege. wtf now i have all this lice?? omg
41d               
28
6
Oyster Smiling @GaryBuh
My cat is very beautiful. pic.twitter.com/qUf2Qc5AGn
41d               
8
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Oh hell yeah, they're playing Andy Gibb at Chipolte. Hell yeah, baby!!!!
41d               
56
1
Will Scare-a-mann @BeTheBoy
Wishing there was a Best Show tonight. Even more than I usually wish for it. #BestShow2014
41d               
16
3
Brian Heater @bheater
Would you rather listen to the song "One Week" for one week or cut off your own arm like in the movie "127 Hours?"
41d               
3
Brian Heater @bheater
Has anyone else seen the final episode of 120 Minutes, where Matt Pinfield has to cut off his own arm after getting it trapped under a rock?
41d               
9
1
elisabeth @whathappened
Would anyone care to join me for a pillow-muffled rage-scream before work?
41d               
13
4
larry micallef @laceymicallef
everyone is so good at only acknowledging cultural appropriation in things they don't like
42d               
59
17
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
ice-piss challenge for the truly bold
42d               
12
8
Adam Schafer @ajds
This morning I hit 100 miles for 12 months straight. Pretty selfish.
42d               
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
The only thing that makes me cry is every single commercial.
42d               
27
7
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Each skull in my black skull leggings represents a death I heard about on social media that bummed me out.
42d               
4
Danielle @knottyyarn
The bravery of the people of Ferguson. The cowardice of our government. Both bring me to tears every single night.
43d               
72
35
Jeannetto @jeannetto
My bunny is a little brat. pic.twitter.com/w5jXP7YxML
43d               
4
1
Jeannetto @jeannetto
I hate days when I'm overly aware that there's no point.
45d               
8
1
Dana Gould @danagould
Jesus looked along the table at his apostles and thought, "How come all my friends are 'work friends'?"
45d               
267
135
matthew williamson @mlwilliamson
Oh I just remembered it. It's not that good.
45d               
1
1
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
this old man was telling me yesterday that like in order to get the big things you gotta learn to take care of and appreciate small things
45d               
2
Halloweenie Eliza @Vajayjayabrams
This train smells like toilet granola.
45d               
2
Control Top @thepantyhose
If you have sex with someone out of pity, be sure to write it off as a tax-deductible bone-ation.
46d               
5
1
Evan W. @EvanW2K
I try to write the same kind of tweets that I'd like to read. (Ones about ME.)
46d               
1
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Superman to a waiter: "Um, is there kryptonite in this?"
46d               
80
27
Control Top @thepantyhose
Carrying some flowers down 17th St., a man walks past & goes, "Mmm, beautiful," then turns & loudly clarifies, "I MEAN THE FLOWERS." #cool
47d               
5
2
Control Top @thepantyhose
Just one more job, then I'm getting out of the business (the business of giving a fuuuuuuuck).
47d               
1
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
Seriously, stop refrigerating these foods!

Ice
Pancake
Candy necklace
"Alice" butter
Mandarin Oanje
Moat fish
Partially cooked aple
norf
47d               
131
21
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
man this whole editorial is giving me life. love seeing strong black women represented in fashion. pic.twitter.com/mT0i2HYqzy
47d               
2
sreegs @ahuj9
Pre-dad: Sendin' dick pics.

Post-dad: Sendin' deck pics.
48d               
65
20
Jeannetto @jeannetto
A little baby at joann fabrics kept asking me if I was happy over and over until her mom told her to shut up.
48d               
7
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Some people are calling this the worst summer ever, and I'm just like, "Why you gotta be so rude?"
48d               
20
2
pilot?????? @pilotbacon
i miss masterchef junior
48d               
19
2
elisabeth @whathappened
The world is full of tragic bullshit, but at least I just got to pet a hairless cat named Dave! pic.twitter.com/HQtOxZ5nJB
48d               
16
2
Alice Bolin @alicebolin
"I'm inspired by weak women. Weak, stupid bitches who can't do anything right."--mom when project runway lady was inspired by "strong women"
48d               
7
Steve Spillman @spillman
my name is steve, and i’m doing the sand bucket challenge to raise awareness for the waste of water known as the ‘ice bucket challenge’
48d               
10
4
elisabeth @whathappened
Went for a lovely hike with new pals & the good dog; came home and pulled a small mammal spine from the throat of the bad dog. #blessed
49d               
2
elisabeth @whathappened
pretty sure the guy freestyle rapping at this street fest just said "we freestyle rapping at this street fest"
51d               
6
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
so discriminatory that black history gets a whole month while sharks only get a week
52d               
141
62
Gregory Cat-Holder @cat_beltane
learn French with the help of Canada's orange polyglot sweetheart, garfield pic.twitter.com/rr6dCky1kN
52d               
19
3
Mike W @perfumed_chain
Yesterday I saw a package of male enhancement pills called Weekend Prince, which is what I'm now considering legally changing my name to
53d               
13
2
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.
54d               
1,685
665
Adam Koford @apelad
I can't believe it's already been one hundred years since the release of Beyonce's Single Ladies.
56d               
14
3
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
Idea: Netflix documentary about people recommending me Netflix documentaries
56d               
120
18
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
Did i tell yall got hired as temporary stylist for rue21. Basically just store setup and merchandising. Before grand opening.
57d               
4
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Miley Cyrus posting pictures of Kathleen Hanna to her Instagram is a GOOD thing. I hope to see Ariana Grande make a Vine about Bratmobile.
57d               
122
23
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Something just sneezed in my house. Something... not human.
57d               
5
John Moe @johnmoe
Fats Domino and Chubby Checker are okay but my favorite singer is Morbidly Obese Chess Piece.
57d               
48
38
Adam Schafer @ajds
I'm going for a run even though I bruised my nose on a water slide yesterday. #committed #cooldad #visor
57d               
3
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
ha ha your all at church and im still in bed eeting candy
57d               
143
49
Dan Sai @dansai
Gotta wake up early to see my pals get married on an honest-to-goodness mountain, but The Road Warrior just started on tv. So we’ll see.
58d               
4
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
NO YOU LITTLE WEIRD REGGAE ASSHOLE, YOU'RE NOT MARRYING ANYONE AND I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GODDAMN HOW "RUDE" YOU THINK IT IS, DICKNOSE.
58d               
482
231
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Little trick I learned: if you sleep from 9pm to 9am you seem perfectly normal and dont have to tell your therapist about it.
59d               
6
Amelia @celloberg
Pro tip: for baby nephews who want to play a cello but are too small to hold it on their... ift.tt/1m7UOCR pic.twitter.com/WLIvAvhH3c
59d               
1
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
Ford Taurus: because your mom doesn't want it anymore.
59d               
2
Dan Sai @dansai
Bonus: I wrote the introduction. Because I’m somehow qualified for that. Anyway, it’s fun and it’s on Amazon tinyurl.com/withpen
59d               
2
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
FUN SHARKNADO 2 DRINKING GAME: if you're live-tweeting Sharknado 2 please kill yourself and I'll drink six-pack of PBR at your funeral
61d               
220
83
''Steve'' @extranapkins
Beer is the new weed. Weed used to be funny but now beer is. Thanks #thanks
61d               
32
1
''Steve'' @extranapkins
Me: I was thinkin about posting lyrics from a rap song but changed to be about pizza or uh.... gender
My hot goth gf: Shut the fuck up
61d               
38
3
Emma @theygotemma
I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was about those owls again.
62d               
9
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
I don't care whether my baby is a boy or a girl, as long as it loves Peter Gabriel and knows a bunch of video game cheat codes.
62d               
44
17
Control Top @thepantyhose
I'm the human equivalent of a hole in the wall.
62d               
1
Scott Simpson @scottsimpson
I prefer Hitler's self-help book "Who Moved My Kampf"
63d               
51
13
Dan Sai @dansai
Every day I leave my house with the fear that I'll happen upon the rockabilly scene that I know must exist in Boston, but have never seen.
63d               
5
Amy Miller @amymiller
Got that summertime summertime sandwich
Got that summertime summertime sandwich
63d               
12
J Alexander Briggs @jalex
Mermaids be all takin shellfies. #getit?
63d               
5
3
elisabeth @whathappened
Are you guys as excited as I am for me to see Beyoncé this Wednesday? Thank you. Thank you for your love and support.
64d               
14
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
CLASSIC CLOONEY PRANKS:

FAKE SHOWBIZ POLICE
WALLET DODGE
THE COLONEL AND THE SHRIMP
WHORE REPORT
THE "SHRUG"
64d               
64
8
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
Hey, I may not have the best looking body butt
64d               
49
5
Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin
I'm just like an onion. I have layers and each of my layers smells like an onion.
64d               
22
6
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Was gunna go through my sister's pregnancy photos on facebook and tell her she looks fat but look at that she beat me to it.
65d               
4
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
Bruh 'T.I. - why you wanna' still goes hard
65d               
3
1
Adam Schafer @ajds
DLM Category: Hauer U2 doing?- movies with members of U2, Rutger Hauer, or both.

@DougBenson
67d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
Forever torn between my love of enormous $2 iced Americanos and my hatred of aggressive flirting by spray-tanned teens.
67d               
2
Casey Kolderup @ckolderup
SHARE A COKE WITH is an anagram for TEAM WITH SHARK CEO
67d               
8
2
scharpling @scharpling
The next EXPENDABLES movie better have Nathan Lane in it or I'm gonna go shithouse on this Chipotle
69d               
133
40
Jeannetto @jeannetto
finally made a real sock bun just to find out after it was made with one of nathan's old j.o. tube socks :/ pic.twitter.com/FRau1mmUUw
71d               
8
1
elisabeth @whathappened
Hey dudes I'm drunk at a stranger's wedding what's new with you?! pic.twitter.com/eopxIIcxcw
73d               
10
elisabeth @whathappened
My gums feel weird but they feel better when I press on them with my fingers
Am I:
a) having an "episode"
b) a giant teething baby
c) sexual
81d               
7
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
According to my collection, books are more fun to buy than start, and more fun to start than to finish.
82d               
44
20
erin whitehead @girlwithatail
Email to my girlfriends: "Hey instead of getting drinks tonight let's all have babies."
82d               
11
4
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
Why can't I find that song "Hot Towel, Summer and the City" on iTunes?
83d               
66
33
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
If walter white was a black dude breaking bad would only last for like 5 episodes
83d               
6
Paul Jay @pauljaycomic
If you "flop" in Quidditch, you just fall to your death. --@GirlGoneGoldbrg
83d               
4
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Germany is so clinical and Brazil plays with so much passion. Just kidding. Both suuuuupes boring.
83d               
29
9
Adam Schafer @ajds
My family has been out of town for a few days now.
I've never felt more welcoming to any visitors who 100% must call first.
84d               
3
Chris Fairbanks @chrisfairbanks
Everybody knows that bird is the word but every time I try to say it I just go "b-bu-bu-me mow-mow mama me mow mow-mow."
84d               
10
1
Brian Heater @bheater
Was Firefly something that actually existed, or did the internet just invent something to talk about between Lord of the Rings movies?
84d               
2
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
Last night I dreamed I rescued a dog from drowning. But I also dreamed I punched a guy in the face at an EDM festival. #lightandshade
84d               
31
11
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
This year, remember the FIRST July 4th, when Jesus grilled some brats and accidentally blew off his friend's toe with a sweet illegal M80.
88d               
63
57
Control Top @thepantyhose
@laurenddddd sprinkles pls
88d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Control Top @thepantyhose
I feel like this can of Diet Coke really gets me.
88d               
2
wint @dril
going to burn dOwn my power lines and go off the grid for a bit until all the smug butthurt drama fedorra script kiddy fanboys take a hike,
89d               
831
318
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Moominizer, Moomin, Moominizer
You're a Moominizer, oh Moominizer oh
You're a Moominizer, baby
89d               
11
1
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
Bless your heart, @nathanfielder. Welcome back, and never leave me again. #NathanForYou
90d               
51
3
Dave Stern @relaxatorium
@laurenddddd Finale credits are exactly like the opening credits, but the falling silhouette has a bright white diaper.
90d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Steve Spillman @spillman
Damn just realized how cool it would be if I dated someone named Adam so we could be like "um, actually, it IS Adam and Steve"
90d               
10
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
do you know what's scarier than zombies

people dying and then staying dead forever
91d               
227
114
''Steve'' @extranapkins
pic.twitter.com/7Yh40r8mDA
91d               
28
Lindsay Katai @zeekatai
Pitbull is like a pop star character in a dystopian future movie that we'd watch and then be all, "I wasn't buying that pop star character."
91d               
6
2
Jason Sims @jason_sims
The best thing about contemporary issues is how they're simple enough to be exhaustively analyzed in 140 characters while in a blind rage.
91d               
5
2
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Gross there are houseplants in my springtail pots.
91d               
2
YUNG GOODMAN FROWN @superrrmoon
Just sadly go-karting through life
91d               
10
1
Dan Sai @dansai
♫ Then after the show it's the after party / and after the party it's the Hobby Lobby / But you're not covered if you wanna freak somebody ♫
91d               
4
Tom McHenry @tommchenry
Wait, so what's the buffer zone like on a Hobby Lobby? I just want to counsel people on the choice they're making.
91d               
27
20
elisabeth @whathappened
@AliciaATobin the one written in my pants
sorry
but have you watched this clip a bunch of times late at night
youtube.com/watch?v=_KyX5R…
92d in reply to AliciaATobin               
2
elisabeth @whathappened
the car in front of me at the DQ drive-through has been at the window for 10 freaking minutes no sir I think this is exactly what 911 is for
92d               
8
Ayesha A. Siddiqi @pushinghoops
I love guys in drop crotch pants love looks that restrict a guy's movement
92d               
89
12
J Alexander Briggs @jalex
What kind of accident would leave Skeletor with a skull for a face, but the advanced musculature of a body builder? AND WHERE CAN I GET IT?!
93d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
do you like sickening displays of ultra violence and horror well look no further than this pic.twitter.com/mBqICKlq8a
94d               
10
3
erin whitehead @girlwithatail
If no one will hang out with you tell everyone you're half horse and gallop around the soccer goals at recess. (Life hack from 4th grade me)
94d               
10
Adam Schafer @ajds
My pen name is 'Fisher Space'.
94d               
6
Moshe Kasher @moshekasher
Do you think Cupcakes and Betty White are mad at Neil Degrasse Tyson for stealing all the white people love?
95d               
121
34
Hella Mirren @hey_friend
@mrsjesscharlton ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME
95d in reply to mrsjesscharlton               
2
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
yyyyyIT'S BEEN
95d               
6
Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin
I saw some crows fighting over some pancakes. They're just like us!
95d               
15
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
i didnt know how to feel about anything until i read the internet comments. now it's all so clear thank you cumlord420
95d               
24
4
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
I love to have sex so casual it's just me barely saying hi to someone in an elevator while wearing cargo shorts
95d               
354
78
scharpling @scharpling
Germany scored that goal to hurt the guy who cut me off an hour ago rushing to a sports bar. Thank you, Germany.
95d               
53
12
elisabeth @whathappened
@ajds OKAY SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU SOON
96d in reply to ajds               
2
Adam Schafer @ajds
Apparently I'm incapable of going on vacation without running across a present for @whathappened.
96d               
1
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