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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
Lauren DddddPortland, OR2008-02-19
@laurenddddd2,385 days
long tails and ears for hats
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
4535393,692154,505
We found 195 favorite tweets.
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Still thinking about this "Hello Kitty is not a cat" thing and I'm fucking furious.
1d               
121
36
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
You think if Paul McCartney wasn't a Beatle he'd just be one of these grampas taking forever trying to pay for a mocha with his cell phone?
1d               
3
Cheeseburger Bobby @catiemonster
Invention: shower webcam that can only be viewed by a few close friends in case you actually brain yourself since you slip ALL THE TIME.
1d               
2
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
I'm looking for one of those Coke bottles with the names on them. Anyone have Hexxus, Wearer of the Blood-Cloak, Destroyer of Worlds?
2d               
51
11
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
. @sanrio Hello Kitty is a cat
2d               
27
6
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
Huh. Celestial Seasonings tea bags usually have quotes from Mark Twain or Maya Angelou. All this one says is ˝Eatin' ain't cheatin'˝
3d               
59
9
Greg Harries @plusgreg
ASMR_Man_Clearing_Overgrown_Weeds_with_a_Machete_While_Cry-Singing_“Nothing_Compares_2U”.mp4
3d               
2
1
Geneva! @badgrammer
Not a week goes by when I don't get that sound of @scharpling making fun of a guy's Coheed & Cambria riffs stuck in my head. #BestShowWFMU
3d               
14
Control Top @thepantyhose
I use Snapchat for the exact purpose its creators intended: sending my doctor brothers urgent medical queries.
4d               
3
Todd Barry @toddbarry
If you fill up your punch card after 9 small coffees & cash it in for a large, it's the same as making $150k a year.
4d               
111
39
Control Top @thepantyhose
I'm setting up a lemonade stand, except for petting my hair (it's very soft and silky today). #bachelorofscience
4d               
1
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
A tips for telling stalactites and stalagmites apart: One is a beautiful rock formation and one is a SONOFABITCH THAT SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!
5d               
43
12
elisabeth @whathappened
I wrote this blog about humping. I'm out here doing god's work.
@RoverDotCom: Dog Sexuality 101 bit.ly/1qj5ZxD
5d               
4
1
Diana Wright @ThatsWright
I don't think I can ever achieve a thigh gap but I could achieve a thigh old navy.
5d               
7
3
erin whitehead @girlwithatail
If I sleep on my back in the morning I have to fish my boobs out from between my ribs.
7d               
14
Mike W @perfumed_chain
I'm listening to Britney Spears while I make dinner. It's making me v happy.
8d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
My choice is always this weirdo. #requestacatpic

@wotsac: Dealers’ Choice again. I need catpic.” pic.twitter.com/fyy26Wn9d6
8d               
8
elisabeth @whathappened
Coquina is DONE
@mel_evans: Are there any cats who can't even today? #requestacatpicpic.twitter.com/HG2gcgK4bL
8d               
5
1
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Why hasn't the homeless man with the golden voice taken the Ice Bucket Challenge?
8d               
138
17
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
Is that a Moleskine notebook in your back pocket or are you just unemployed to see me?
8d               
86
32
Casey Kolderup @ckolderup
me irl pic.twitter.com/CiP9fdkwso
8d               
12
1
Craig Hockenberry @chockenberry
JUST DID A ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE WITH A GIN AND TONIC EXCEPT I DRANK IT
8d               
50
35
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
(Singing like Elvis) Are you hungryyyy toniiiiight?
9d               
1
Amanda Brooke Perrin @brookeperrin
going as Oprah chai tea for halloween
10d               
22
3
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Crackheads printing photos is a thing. A bigger thing than you may have realized.
10d               
5
jonronson @jonronson
What the fuck happened to sweet August non news stories? It's been shit like October news.
10d               
41
30
larry micallef @laceymicallef
my ride is here pic.twitter.com/f9f8unET30
10d               
43
4
Jeannetto @jeannetto
The MTV generation is going straight to hell. You senile old bastards.
10d               
7
Greg Harries @plusgreg
Went out to my lawn and dumped an bucket of milkshake on my head because my yard was woefully underboyed. #WhatIsThisJokeEven
10d               
5
Amanda Brooke Perrin @brookeperrin
omg i thought you said "lice" bucket challege. wtf now i have all this lice?? omg
11d               
28
6
Sen. B-hole Trubz. D @GaryBuh
My cat is very beautiful. pic.twitter.com/qUf2Qc5AGn
11d               
8
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Oh hell yeah, they're playing Andy Gibb at Chipolte. Hell yeah, baby!!!!
11d               
56
1
Will Stegemann @BeTheBoy
Wishing there was a Best Show tonight. Even more than I usually wish for it. #BestShow2014
11d               
16
3
Brian Heater @bheater
Would you rather listen to the song "One Week" for one week or cut off your own arm like in the movie "127 Hours?"
11d               
3
Brian Heater @bheater
Has anyone else seen the final episode of 120 Minutes, where Matt Pinfield has to cut off his own arm after getting it trapped under a rock?
11d               
9
1
elisabeth @whathappened
Would anyone care to join me for a pillow-muffled rage-scream before work?
11d               
13
4
larry micallef @laceymicallef
everyone is so good at only acknowledging cultural appropriation in things they don't like
12d               
60
17
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
ice-piss challenge for the truly bold
12d               
12
8
Adam Schafer @ajds
This morning I hit 100 miles for 12 months straight. Pretty selfish.
12d               
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
The only thing that makes me cry is every single commercial.
12d               
27
7
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Each skull in my black skull leggings represents a death I heard about on social media that bummed me out.
12d               
4
Danielle @knottyyarn
The bravery of the people of Ferguson. The cowardice of our government. Both bring me to tears every single night.
12d               
73
35
Jeannetto @jeannetto
My bunny is a little brat. pic.twitter.com/w5jXP7YxML
13d               
4
1
Jeannetto @jeannetto
I hate days when I'm overly aware that there's no point.
15d               
9
1
Dana Gould @danagould
Jesus looked along the table at his apostles and thought, "How come all my friends are 'work friends'?"
15d               
260
128
╮(ਊ◞‸◟ਊ|||)╭ @mlwilliamson
Oh I just remembered it. It's not that good.
15d               
1
1
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
this old man was telling me yesterday that like in order to get the big things you gotta learn to take care of and appreciate small things
15d               
2
Robot-Version Eliza @Vajayjayabrams
This train smells like toilet granola.
15d               
2
Control Top @thepantyhose
If you have sex with someone out of pity, be sure to write it off as a tax-deductible bone-ation.
16d               
5
1
Evan W. @EvanW2K
I try to write the same kind of tweets that I'd like to read. (Ones about ME.)
16d               
1
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Superman to a waiter: "Um, is there kryptonite in this?"
16d               
80
28
Control Top @thepantyhose
Carrying some flowers down 17th St., a man walks past & goes, "Mmm, beautiful," then turns & loudly clarifies, "I MEAN THE FLOWERS." #cool
17d               
5
2
Control Top @thepantyhose
Just one more job, then I'm getting out of the business (the business of giving a fuuuuuuuck).
17d               
1
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
Seriously, stop refrigerating these foods!

Ice
Pancake
Candy necklace
"Alice" butter
Mandarin Oanje
Moat fish
Partially cooked aple
norf
17d               
129
21
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
man this whole editorial is giving me life. love seeing strong black women represented in fashion. pic.twitter.com/mT0i2HYqzy
17d               
2
sreegs @ahuj9
Pre-dad: Sendin' dick pics.

Post-dad: Sendin' deck pics.
18d               
66
21
Jeannetto @jeannetto
A little baby at joann fabrics kept asking me if I was happy over and over until her mom told her to shut up.
18d               
7
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Some people are calling this the worst summer ever, and I'm just like, "Why you gotta be so rude?"
18d               
20
2
pilot?????? @pilotbacon
i miss masterchef junior
18d               
19
2
elisabeth @whathappened
The world is full of tragic bullshit, but at least I just got to pet a hairless cat named Dave! pic.twitter.com/HQtOxZ5nJB
18d               
16
2
Alice Bolin @alicebolin
"I'm inspired by weak women. Weak, stupid bitches who can't do anything right."--mom when project runway lady was inspired by "strong women"
18d               
7
Steve Spillman @spillman
my name is steve, and i’m doing the sand bucket challenge to raise awareness for the waste of water known as the ‘ice bucket challenge’
18d               
10
4
elisabeth @whathappened
Went for a lovely hike with new pals & the good dog; came home and pulled a small mammal spine from the throat of the bad dog. #blessed
19d               
2
elisabeth @whathappened
pretty sure the guy freestyle rapping at this street fest just said "we freestyle rapping at this street fest"
21d               
6
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
so discriminatory that black history gets a whole month while sharks only get a week
22d               
141
62
Gregory Cat-Holder @cat_beltane
learn French with the help of Canada's orange polyglot sweetheart, garfield pic.twitter.com/rr6dCky1kN
22d               
19
3
Mike W @perfumed_chain
Yesterday I saw a package of male enhancement pills called Weekend Prince, which is what I'm now considering legally changing my name to
23d               
13
2
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.
24d               
1,645
656
Adam Koford @apelad
I can't believe it's already been one hundred years since the release of Beyonce's Single Ladies.
25d               
14
3
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
Idea: Netflix documentary about people recommending me Netflix documentaries
26d               
120
18
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
Did i tell yall got hired as temporary stylist for rue21. Basically just store setup and merchandising. Before grand opening.
26d               
5
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Miley Cyrus posting pictures of Kathleen Hanna to her Instagram is a GOOD thing. I hope to see Ariana Grande make a Vine about Bratmobile.
26d               
123
23
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Something just sneezed in my house. Something... not human.
26d               
5
John Moe @johnmoe
Fats Domino and Chubby Checker are okay but my favorite singer is Morbidly Obese Chess Piece.
27d               
48
38
Adam Schafer @ajds
I'm going for a run even though I bruised my nose on a water slide yesterday. #committed #cooldad #visor
27d               
3
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
ha ha your all at church and im still in bed eeting candy
27d               
141
49
Dan Sai @dansai
Gotta wake up early to see my pals get married on an honest-to-goodness mountain, but The Road Warrior just started on tv. So we’ll see.
27d               
4
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
NO YOU LITTLE WEIRD REGGAE ASSHOLE, YOU'RE NOT MARRYING ANYONE AND I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GODDAMN HOW "RUDE" YOU THINK IT IS, DICKNOSE.
27d               
482
235
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Little trick I learned: if you sleep from 9pm to 9am you seem perfectly normal and dont have to tell your therapist about it.
28d               
6
Amelia @celloberg
Pro tip: for baby nephews who want to play a cello but are too small to hold it on their... ift.tt/1m7UOCR pic.twitter.com/WLIvAvhH3c
28d               
1
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
Ford Taurus: because your mom doesn't want it anymore.
29d               
2
joanna @joannalovesyou
short hair on women is hot. you can pull it off. i believe in you.
29d               
3
Dan Sai @dansai
Bonus: I wrote the introduction. Because I’m somehow qualified for that. Anyway, it’s fun and it’s on Amazon tinyurl.com/withpen
29d               
2
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
FUN SHARKNADO 2 DRINKING GAME: if you're live-tweeting Sharknado 2 please kill yourself and I'll drink six-pack of PBR at your funeral
30d               
223
84
''Steve'' @extranapkins
Beer is the new weed. Weed used to be funny but now beer is. Thanks #thanks
30d               
34
1
''Steve'' @extranapkins
Me: I was thinkin about posting lyrics from a rap song but changed to be about pizza or uh.... gender
My hot goth gf: Shut the fuck up
31d               
38
3
Emma @theygotemma
I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was about those owls again.
32d               
9
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
I don't care whether my baby is a boy or a girl, as long as it loves Peter Gabriel and knows a bunch of video game cheat codes.
32d               
44
17
Control Top @thepantyhose
I'm the human equivalent of a hole in the wall.
32d               
1
Scott Simpson @scottsimpson
I prefer Hitler's self-help book "Who Moved My Kampf"
32d               
51
13
Dan Sai @dansai
Every day I leave my house with the fear that I'll happen upon the rockabilly scene that I know must exist in Boston, but have never seen.
32d               
5
Amy Miller @amymiller
Got that summertime summertime sandwich
Got that summertime summertime sandwich
33d               
12
J Alexander Briggs @jalex
Mermaids be all takin shellfies. #getit?
33d               
5
3
elisabeth @whathappened
Are you guys as excited as I am for me to see Beyoncé this Wednesday? Thank you. Thank you for your love and support.
33d               
14
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
CLASSIC CLOONEY PRANKS:

FAKE SHOWBIZ POLICE
WALLET DODGE
THE COLONEL AND THE SHRIMP
WHORE REPORT
THE "SHRUG"
34d               
64
8
Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake
Hey, I may not have the best looking body butt
34d               
49
5
Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin
I'm just like an onion. I have layers and each of my layers smells like an onion.
34d               
23
6
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Was gunna go through my sister's pregnancy photos on facebook and tell her she looks fat but look at that she beat me to it.
34d               
4
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
Bruh 'T.I. - why you wanna' still goes hard
34d               
3
1
Adam Schafer @ajds
DLM Category: Hauer U2 doing?- movies with members of U2, Rutger Hauer, or both.

@DougBenson
36d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
Forever torn between my love of enormous $2 iced Americanos and my hatred of aggressive flirting by spray-tanned teens.
37d               
2
Casey Kolderup @ckolderup
SHARE A COKE WITH is an anagram for TEAM WITH SHARK CEO
37d               
8
2
scharpling @scharpling
The next EXPENDABLES movie better have Nathan Lane in it or I'm gonna go shithouse on this Chipotle
38d               
133
41
Jeannetto @jeannetto
finally made a real sock bun just to find out after it was made with one of nathan's old j.o. tube socks :/ pic.twitter.com/FRau1mmUUw
41d               
8
1
elisabeth @whathappened
Hey dudes I'm drunk at a stranger's wedding what's new with you?! pic.twitter.com/eopxIIcxcw
42d               
10
elisabeth @whathappened
My gums feel weird but they feel better when I press on them with my fingers
Am I:
a) having an "episode"
b) a giant teething baby
c) sexual
51d               
7
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
According to my collection, books are more fun to buy than start, and more fun to start than to finish.
51d               
44
20
erin whitehead @girlwithatail
Email to my girlfriends: "Hey instead of getting drinks tonight let's all have babies."
52d               
11
4
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
Why can't I find that song "Hot Towel, Summer and the City" on iTunes?
53d               
66
34
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
If walter white was a black dude breaking bad would only last for like 5 episodes
53d               
6
Paul Jay @pauljaycomic
If you "flop" in Quidditch, you just fall to your death. --@GirlGoneGoldbrg
53d               
4
1
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Germany is so clinical and Brazil plays with so much passion. Just kidding. Both suuuuupes boring.
53d               
29
9
Adam Schafer @ajds
My family has been out of town for a few days now.
I've never felt more welcoming to any visitors who 100% must call first.
54d               
3
Chris Fairbanks @chrisfairbanks
Everybody knows that bird is the word but every time I try to say it I just go "b-bu-bu-me mow-mow mama me mow mow-mow."
54d               
10
1
Brian Heater @bheater
Was Firefly something that actually existed, or did the internet just invent something to talk about between Lord of the Rings movies?
54d               
2
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
Last night I dreamed I rescued a dog from drowning. But I also dreamed I punched a guy in the face at an EDM festival. #lightandshade
54d               
30
11
Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris
This year, remember the FIRST July 4th, when Jesus grilled some brats and accidentally blew off his friend's toe with a sweet illegal M80.
58d               
63
57
Control Top @thepantyhose
@laurenddddd sprinkles pls
58d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Control Top @thepantyhose
I feel like this can of Diet Coke really gets me.
58d               
2
wint @dril
going to burn dOwn my power lines and go off the grid for a bit until all the smug butthurt drama fedorra script kiddy fanboys take a hike,
59d               
827
316
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Moominizer, Moomin, Moominizer
You're a Moominizer, oh Moominizer oh
You're a Moominizer, baby
59d               
11
1
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
Bless your heart, @nathanfielder. Welcome back, and never leave me again. #NathanForYou
59d               
51
3
Dave Stern @relaxatorium
@laurenddddd Finale credits are exactly like the opening credits, but the falling silhouette has a bright white diaper.
60d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Steve Spillman @spillman
Damn just realized how cool it would be if I dated someone named Adam so we could be like "um, actually, it IS Adam and Steve"
60d               
10
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
do you know what's scarier than zombies

people dying and then staying dead forever
60d               
227
115
''Steve'' @extranapkins
pic.twitter.com/7Yh40r8mDA
60d               
28
Lindsay Katai @zeekatai
Pitbull is like a pop star character in a dystopian future movie that we'd watch and then be all, "I wasn't buying that pop star character."
61d               
6
2
Jason Sims @jason_sims
The best thing about contemporary issues is how they're simple enough to be exhaustively analyzed in 140 characters while in a blind rage.
61d               
5
2
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Gross there are houseplants in my springtail pots.
61d               
2
YUNG GOODMAN FROWN @superrrmoon
Just sadly go-karting through life
61d               
10
1
Dan Sai @dansai
♫ Then after the show it's the after party / and after the party it's the Hobby Lobby / But you're not covered if you wanna freak somebody ♫
61d               
4
Tom McHenry @tommchenry
Wait, so what's the buffer zone like on a Hobby Lobby? I just want to counsel people on the choice they're making.
61d               
27
20
elisabeth @whathappened
@AliciaATobin the one written in my pants
sorry
but have you watched this clip a bunch of times late at night
youtube.com/watch?v=_KyX5R…
61d in reply to AliciaATobin               
2
elisabeth @whathappened
the car in front of me at the DQ drive-through has been at the window for 10 freaking minutes no sir I think this is exactly what 911 is for
61d               
8
Ayesha A. Siddiqi @pushinghoops
I love guys in drop crotch pants love looks that restrict a guy's movement
62d               
90
12
J Alexander Briggs @jalex
What kind of accident would leave Skeletor with a skull for a face, but the advanced musculature of a body builder? AND WHERE CAN I GET IT?!
63d               
3
elisabeth @whathappened
do you like sickening displays of ultra violence and horror well look no further than this pic.twitter.com/mBqICKlq8a
63d               
10
3
erin whitehead @girlwithatail
If no one will hang out with you tell everyone you're half horse and gallop around the soccer goals at recess. (Life hack from 4th grade me)
64d               
10
Adam Schafer @ajds
My pen name is 'Fisher Space'.
64d               
6
Moshe Kasher @moshekasher
Do you think Cupcakes and Betty White are mad at Neil Degrasse Tyson for stealing all the white people love?
65d               
121
34
Hella Mirren @hey_friend
@mrsjesscharlton ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME
65d in reply to mrsjesscharlton               
2
Jessica Charlton @mrsjesscharlton
yyyyyIT'S BEEN
65d               
6
Alicia Tobin @AliciaATobin
I saw some crows fighting over some pancakes. They're just like us!
65d               
15
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
i didnt know how to feel about anything until i read the internet comments. now it's all so clear thank you cumlord420
65d               
24
4
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
I love to have sex so casual it's just me barely saying hi to someone in an elevator while wearing cargo shorts
65d               
355
80
scharpling @scharpling
Germany scored that goal to hurt the guy who cut me off an hour ago rushing to a sports bar. Thank you, Germany.
65d               
53
12
elisabeth @whathappened
@ajds OKAY SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU SOON
65d in reply to ajds               
2
Adam Schafer @ajds
Apparently I'm incapable of going on vacation without running across a present for @whathappened.
66d               
1
Adam Schafer @ajds
I had to whine at a corporation to get my 300th follower.
66d               
3
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
HOT BARELY MATURE WHITE MEN ARE READY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES
66d               
461
176
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
welcome to my seafood restaurant KEEP CLAMS AND CARRY PRAWNS
66d               
271
104
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
"You gotta hang in there. It takes a few episodes to get good." -ancient proverb
66d               
58
35
Rob Baedeker @robbaedeker
You can put anything on a pizza, including a whole car.
67d               
6
4
April Richardson @Apey
It's almost like you guys don't believe how cool I am, even though I am constantly trying to tell you about it on the Internet
68d               
46
13
bridget everett @bridgeteverett
I just listened to "say you, say me" three times in a row and I still don't know what the fuck he's talking about
68d               
22
3
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
How's your day going?
Well, just imagine biting a fork so hard.
How about now?
68d               
15
4
Control Top @thepantyhose
It's pretty crazy how our bodies are composed mostly of pudding.
68d               
2
elisabeth @whathappened
Eating a Big Hunk #eatingabighunk @BigHunkBar
70d               
1
Sen. B-hole Trubz. D @GaryBuh
I have been off work for five days and have finally achieved work/life balance.
73d               
2
larry micallef @laceymicallef
me pic.twitter.com/yx2FVF359v
73d               
26
1
Patrick Roddy @patrickroddy
My attempt at someone's puppy. pic.twitter.com/Z9ACWi7lEH
74d               
8
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
I just acted really serious with my wife and said I wanted to ask her a personal question. Then I was like, "Turn down for what?"
75d               
46
11
Lisa Hanawalt @lisadraws
are we running out of old photos of our moms and dads? this resource isn't renewable
75d               
33
2
Dana Gould @danagould
Lip injections. Because people can't see what you look like blowing up a balloon if there's a balloon in the way.
76d               
75
35
Dan Savage @fakedansavage
Won't be watching #GameOfThrones w/ @fakedanshusband. Who will I turn to tonight in hotel room to ask "Who is that?" & "What just happened?"
76d               
144
25
Lauren Pettapiece @potpies
I'm getting into dresses now it's great, you just pull it over your head and ta da you have an outfit. Less decisions to make.
76d               
4
elisabeth @whathappened
do you remember present-day #KARL who said "Your mother and I are driving to McDonald's, are YOU doing anything exciting?" when I called
76d               
5
1
AARP @AARP
Take a selfie with your Father's Day #LoveDad message today. Here's one of our favorites from @pepperschwartz: pic.twitter.com/ngRDqasZvo
76d               
124
20
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
heres a photo of me and my dad from a few years ago #HappyFathersDay pic.twitter.com/EWfPQY1CBg
76d               
9
Jeannetto @jeannetto
Six days in Texas is actually much longer than six days in other states.
76d               
6
April Richardson @Apey
So @milliedechirico & I think George Michael's Freedom '90 is more triumphant/exhilarating than Eye of the Tiger & should be a new fight jam
76d               
28
3
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
how to train yr Dragon
step one get a lizard
step next treat it like shit
78d               
89
29
Patrick Roddy @patrickroddy
Timer went off but the toothpick didn't come out clean, so another minute or two. #brownielivetweets
78d               
3
Control Top @thepantyhose
Today's Look: Crispin Glover wait which one is he again? realness
79d               
1
Big-Tity Honker's @BikiniBabeLover
What's The Differents Between A Skirt And A Dress
79d               
40
3
Adam Schafer @ajds
I hope my favorite child gets me a World's Greatest Dad mug.
79d               
4
Sen. B-hole Trubz. D @GaryBuh
More than a Feeling > Hooked on a Feeling. Of course, out of everything, I prefer logic. Heh. (dons fedora).
79d               
3
1
Gregory Cat-Holder @cat_beltane
the best thing abt "Fancy" is how u can tell "first things first i'm" is a desperate attempt not to do "my name is Iggy and I'm here to say"
79d               
42
16
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
Life plan
*wait for someone to follow & achieve their dreams*
*fuckin own them on line*
*watch archer episodes ive already seen*
die
80d               
177
54
bizweekgraphics @bizweekgraphics
These Ultra-Minimalist _________s Will zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
80d               
7
5
Andre Hyland @AndreHyland
Norwoooooood! vine.co/v/Mj5VFYh6TZM
80d               
3
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
I don't even get out of bed for less than 10,000 worms in my bed.
81d               
14
5
rob delaney @robdelaney
Don't tread on me!

(i'm vaping)
81d               
673
168
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
pause I don't want to see another fucking superhero movie until someone greenlights a movie about a band of wrathful Valkyries
81d               
124
47
elisabeth @whathappened
the garden shed matches the sun porch if you know what I mean
82d               
4
Dave Shumka @daveshumka
Dear Game of Thrones, I can't keep track, please kill off all remaining characters except Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, Monica, and Rachel.
82d               
138
98
Carly Hagins @carlyhagins
One of my (college) students confided that coworkers on co-op made her feel uncomfortable so we had a lesson on self advocacy #YesAllWomen
85d               
3
PRINCE OF TECHNO @HE_VALENCIA
One of the worst feelings in life is when you don't feel like you are good enough
85d               
1
andyflip @andyflip
@laurenddddd #zeffalo
86d in reply to laurenddddd               
1
Swizz Keats @iluvbutts247
"i will now sell five copies of "the three e.p.s" by the beta band"—me on twitter
86d               
6
bobby finger @bobbyfinger
"Found a Bud Light." - Nicki Minaj, 2012
86d               
4
1
pilot?????? @pilotbacon
we’re not killing enough dudes in serial dramas tbh
86d               
30
9
scharpling @scharpling
I'm just exhausted working to make the show happen. We'll get there.
86d               
146
6
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
Kelsey Grammar preparing for his Beast cameo Tobias Funke-style, putting on the blue hair and makeup every day "just in case" they call
90d               
148
55
LW @lindseyweber
wait so is Crossfit just working out with other people in an open garage
91d               
72
17
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