We found 195 favorite tweets.
Had to have 'the talk' with my kids about getting 'high' on 'drugs' just to give context to the 'Dave's not here" bit.
It was actually Dr. Saxobeat, MD before he moved to America.
The True Detective Season 3 leads are a total cop out.
Will the android vs iOS war go down as history's most ignored and boring conflict? Only time will tell.
Drinking game idea: hang out with some friends
It's only 2:30? It feels like I wanna kill myself.
“: an energetic cat! (blurry pics ok)”
something going on here.
“: You got a cat pic featuring some antics? ”
My new bf Andre wants to play with my face.
“: Got any playful cats?”
bonus lurker in the back
“: I am interested in two cats who appear to be in love. ”
Am I supposed to call the doctor when my snot changes color, or is grossing out friends and acquaintances on twitter good enough?
The walls are so thin here I can hear a few depressing conversations at once!
Fact: at least 65% of my time is spent impotently waiting for teens to get in the car already
If you're doing it right, any underwear can be fun2wear!
boy shorts for women, boxer brief for men.
I know that instinct will probably tell you "edible" but fight that instinct... some merino wool will hold up better.
Uggh Chase, I don't care how much stock you bought in Regrorduroy, it's just not happening.
hanes 6 pack with a bonus 2 free pairs
Wait, the NFL plays GAMES? All this week I thought it was a terrorist organization.
I like all 4 seasons:
Pumpkin shoved in things
Peppermint shoved in things
Lime shoved in things.
Time to come clean. I'm the one who's been leaving single kid shoes on sidewalks for years.
I've never fished or hunted. I haven't eaten meat in 16 years. I think I'm allowed to shoot one cat with an air soft rifle.
1. Gonna start numbering all my tweets so people think I have something worthwhile and provocative to share.
Just ate so much Subway I could barf. (One six inch sub.)
2014: black ppl wearing high end avant garde fashion like rick owens & margiela while white folks wearing early 2000s streetwear for tumblr
What they say is true: All the good ones are either married, gay, or not nuts about the sweet wolf mask I wear during love-making.
Voter Frog, the voter fraud frog
SNL wanted me to host this year but i turned them down because i have plans on saturday nights since i’m not a fuckin’ nerd
Not impressed with the iWatch.
"Disguised as a Earthling, I will become a powerful actor. I will call myself Jack Human."
"No, too on the nose. How about Hugh Jackman?"
I broke my phone today, or should I say Steve Jobs' ghost broke my phone today.
Didn't notice until I got back in my office and closed the door that I had taken an entire roll of paper towels w/me after washing my fruit.
The Apple Watch is Not Cool
Looking forward to exciting new developments in beveled/unbeveled icons in the next hour or so. Which will it be!?
What happens in Vegas, stays infected.
'I eat shit like you for second breakfast.' - Hobbit bullies.
tendy cat, straight enjoying this blessing
tendy cat, eatin tendys and dressing
This bottle of Aspirin expires tomorrow, so it would be dangerous NOT to take them all right now.
Snack Realism: combine the thing-flavored snack with a little bit of the actual thing
I heard there was a funky sound, that David played and the Lord got down. But you don't really boogie woogie, do ya?
Fat people aren't automatically unhealthy. They have a body type, not a disease.
Another day, another session of staring at the mirror and praying to whatever god will have me that I'm not basic.
Still thinking about this "Hello Kitty is not a cat" thing and I'm fucking furious.
You think if Paul McCartney wasn't a Beatle he'd just be one of these grampas taking forever trying to pay for a mocha with his cell phone?
Invention: shower webcam that can only be viewed by a few close friends in case you actually brain yourself since you slip ALL THE TIME.
I'm looking for one of those Coke bottles with the names on them. Anyone have Hexxus, Wearer of the Blood-Cloak, Destroyer of Worlds?
Huh. Celestial Seasonings tea bags usually have quotes from Mark Twain or Maya Angelou. All this one says is ˝Eatin' ain't cheatin'˝
Not a week goes by when I don't get that sound of making fun of a guy's Coheed & Cambria riffs stuck in my head.
Just got a massage, but couldn't relax because I pictured someone jumping up & yelling 'I fucking love this song' to some new age crap.
I use Snapchat for the exact purpose its creators intended: sending my doctor brothers urgent medical queries.
If you fill up your punch card after 9 small coffees & cash it in for a large, it's the same as making $150k a year.
I'm setting up a lemonade stand, except for petting my hair (it's very soft and silky today).
A tips for telling stalactites and stalagmites apart: One is a beautiful rock formation and one is a SONOFABITCH THAT SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!
I wrote this blog about humping. I'm out here doing god's work.
“: Dog Sexuality 101 ”
I don't think I can ever achieve a thigh gap but I could achieve a thigh old navy.
If I sleep on my back in the morning I have to fish my boobs out from between my ribs.
I'm listening to Britney Spears while I make dinner. It's making me v happy.
My choice is always this weirdo.
“: Dealers’ Choice again. I need catpic.”
Coquina is DONE
“: Are there any cats who can't even today? ”
Why hasn't the homeless man with the golden voice taken the Ice Bucket Challenge?
Is that a Moleskine notebook in your back pocket or are you just unemployed to see me?
JUST DID A ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE WITH A GIN AND TONIC EXCEPT I DRANK IT
(Singing like Elvis) Are you hungryyyy toniiiiight?
going as Oprah chai tea for halloween
Crackheads printing photos is a thing. A bigger thing than you may have realized.
What the fuck happened to sweet August non news stories? It's been shit like October news.
The MTV generation is going straight to hell. You senile old bastards.
Went out to my lawn and dumped an bucket of milkshake on my head because my yard was woefully underboyed.
omg i thought you said "lice" bucket challege. wtf now i have all this lice?? omg
My cat is very beautiful.
Oh hell yeah, they're playing Andy Gibb at Chipolte. Hell yeah, baby!!!!
Wishing there was a Best Show tonight. Even more than I usually wish for it.
Would you rather listen to the song "One Week" for one week or cut off your own arm like in the movie "127 Hours?"
Has anyone else seen the final episode of 120 Minutes, where Matt Pinfield has to cut off his own arm after getting it trapped under a rock?
Would anyone care to join me for a pillow-muffled rage-scream before work?
everyone is so good at only acknowledging cultural appropriation in things they don't like
ice-piss challenge for the truly bold
This morning I hit 100 miles for 12 months straight. Pretty selfish.
The only thing that makes me cry is every single commercial.
Each skull in my black skull leggings represents a death I heard about on social media that bummed me out.
The bravery of the people of Ferguson. The cowardice of our government. Both bring me to tears every single night.
My bunny is a little brat.
I hate days when I'm overly aware that there's no point.
Jesus looked along the table at his apostles and thought, "How come all my friends are 'work friends'?"
Oh I just remembered it. It's not that good.
this old man was telling me yesterday that like in order to get the big things you gotta learn to take care of and appreciate small things
This train smells like toilet granola.
If you have sex with someone out of pity, be sure to write it off as a tax-deductible bone-ation.
I try to write the same kind of tweets that I'd like to read. (Ones about ME.)
Superman to a waiter: "Um, is there kryptonite in this?"
Carrying some flowers down 17th St., a man walks past & goes, "Mmm, beautiful," then turns & loudly clarifies, "I MEAN THE FLOWERS."
Just one more job, then I'm getting out of the business (the business of giving a fuuuuuuuck).
Seriously, stop refrigerating these foods!
Partially cooked aple
man this whole editorial is giving me life. love seeing strong black women represented in fashion.
Pre-dad: Sendin' dick pics.
Post-dad: Sendin' deck pics.
A little baby at joann fabrics kept asking me if I was happy over and over until her mom told her to shut up.
Some people are calling this the worst summer ever, and I'm just like, "Why you gotta be so rude?"
The world is full of tragic bullshit, but at least I just got to pet a hairless cat named Dave!
"I'm inspired by weak women. Weak, stupid bitches who can't do anything right."--mom when project runway lady was inspired by "strong women"
my name is steve, and i’m doing the sand bucket challenge to raise awareness for the waste of water known as the ‘ice bucket challenge’
Went for a lovely hike with new pals & the good dog; came home and pulled a small mammal spine from the throat of the bad dog.
pretty sure the guy freestyle rapping at this street fest just said "we freestyle rapping at this street fest"
so discriminatory that black history gets a whole month while sharks only get a week
learn French with the help of Canada's orange polyglot sweetheart, garfield
Yesterday I saw a package of male enhancement pills called Weekend Prince, which is what I'm now considering legally changing my name to
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.
I can't believe it's already been one hundred years since the release of Beyonce's Single Ladies.
Idea: Netflix documentary about people recommending me Netflix documentaries
Did i tell yall got hired as temporary stylist for rue21. Basically just store setup and merchandising. Before grand opening.
Miley Cyrus posting pictures of Kathleen Hanna to her Instagram is a GOOD thing. I hope to see Ariana Grande make a Vine about Bratmobile.
Something just sneezed in my house. Something... not human.
Fats Domino and Chubby Checker are okay but my favorite singer is Morbidly Obese Chess Piece.
I'm going for a run even though I bruised my nose on a water slide yesterday.
ha ha your all at church and im still in bed eeting candy
Gotta wake up early to see my pals get married on an honest-to-goodness mountain, but The Road Warrior just started on tv. So we’ll see.
NO YOU LITTLE WEIRD REGGAE ASSHOLE, YOU'RE NOT MARRYING ANYONE AND I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GODDAMN HOW "RUDE" YOU THINK IT IS, DICKNOSE.
Little trick I learned: if you sleep from 9pm to 9am you seem perfectly normal and dont have to tell your therapist about it.
Pro tip: for baby nephews who want to play a cello but are too small to hold it on their...
Ford Taurus: because your mom doesn't want it anymore.
Bonus: I wrote the introduction. Because I’m somehow qualified for that. Anyway, it’s fun and it’s on Amazon
FUN SHARKNADO 2 DRINKING GAME: if you're live-tweeting Sharknado 2 please kill yourself and I'll drink six-pack of PBR at your funeral
Beer is the new weed. Weed used to be funny but now beer is. Thanks
Me: I was thinkin about posting lyrics from a rap song but changed to be about pizza or uh.... gender
My hot goth gf: Shut the fuck up
I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was about those owls again.
I don't care whether my baby is a boy or a girl, as long as it loves Peter Gabriel and knows a bunch of video game cheat codes.
I'm the human equivalent of a hole in the wall.
I prefer Hitler's self-help book "Who Moved My Kampf"
Every day I leave my house with the fear that I'll happen upon the rockabilly scene that I know must exist in Boston, but have never seen.
Got that summertime summertime sandwich
Got that summertime summertime sandwich
Mermaids be all takin shellfies. ?
Are you guys as excited as I am for me to see Beyoncé this Wednesday? Thank you. Thank you for your love and support.
CLASSIC CLOONEY PRANKS:
FAKE SHOWBIZ POLICE
THE COLONEL AND THE SHRIMP
Hey, I may not have the best looking body butt
I'm just like an onion. I have layers and each of my layers smells like an onion.
Was gunna go through my sister's pregnancy photos on facebook and tell her she looks fat but look at that she beat me to it.
Bruh 'T.I. - why you wanna' still goes hard
DLM Category: Hauer U2 doing?- movies with members of U2, Rutger Hauer, or both.
Forever torn between my love of enormous $2 iced Americanos and my hatred of aggressive flirting by spray-tanned teens.
SHARE A COKE WITH is an anagram for TEAM WITH SHARK CEO
The next EXPENDABLES movie better have Nathan Lane in it or I'm gonna go shithouse on this Chipotle
finally made a real sock bun just to find out after it was made with one of nathan's old j.o. tube socks :/
Hey dudes I'm drunk at a stranger's wedding what's new with you?!
My gums feel weird but they feel better when I press on them with my fingers
a) having an "episode"
b) a giant teething baby
According to my collection, books are more fun to buy than start, and more fun to start than to finish.
Email to my girlfriends: "Hey instead of getting drinks tonight let's all have babies."
Why can't I find that song "Hot Towel, Summer and the City" on iTunes?
If walter white was a black dude breaking bad would only last for like 5 episodes
If you "flop" in Quidditch, you just fall to your death. --
Germany is so clinical and Brazil plays with so much passion. Just kidding. Both suuuuupes boring.
My family has been out of town for a few days now.
I've never felt more welcoming to any visitors who 100% must call first.
Everybody knows that bird is the word but every time I try to say it I just go "b-bu-bu-me mow-mow mama me mow mow-mow."
Was Firefly something that actually existed, or did the internet just invent something to talk about between Lord of the Rings movies?
Last night I dreamed I rescued a dog from drowning. But I also dreamed I punched a guy in the face at an EDM festival.
This year, remember the FIRST July 4th, when Jesus grilled some brats and accidentally blew off his friend's toe with a sweet illegal M80.
I feel like this can of Diet Coke really gets me.
going to burn dOwn my power lines and go off the grid for a bit until all the smug butthurt drama fedorra script kiddy fanboys take a hike,
Moominizer, Moomin, Moominizer
You're a Moominizer, oh Moominizer oh
You're a Moominizer, baby
Bless your heart, . Welcome back, and never leave me again.
Finale credits are exactly like the opening credits, but the falling silhouette has a bright white diaper.
Damn just realized how cool it would be if I dated someone named Adam so we could be like "um, actually, it IS Adam and Steve"
do you know what's scarier than zombies
people dying and then staying dead forever
Pitbull is like a pop star character in a dystopian future movie that we'd watch and then be all, "I wasn't buying that pop star character."
The best thing about contemporary issues is how they're simple enough to be exhaustively analyzed in 140 characters while in a blind rage.
Gross there are houseplants in my springtail pots.
Just sadly go-karting through life
♫ Then after the show it's the after party / and after the party it's the Hobby Lobby / But you're not covered if you wanna freak somebody ♫
Wait, so what's the buffer zone like on a Hobby Lobby? I just want to counsel people on the choice they're making.
the one written in my pants
but have you watched this clip a bunch of times late at night
the car in front of me at the DQ drive-through has been at the window for 10 freaking minutes no sir I think this is exactly what 911 is for
I love guys in drop crotch pants love looks that restrict a guy's movement
What kind of accident would leave Skeletor with a skull for a face, but the advanced musculature of a body builder? AND WHERE CAN I GET IT?!
do you like sickening displays of ultra violence and horror well look no further than this
If no one will hang out with you tell everyone you're half horse and gallop around the soccer goals at recess. (Life hack from 4th grade me)
My pen name is 'Fisher Space'.
Do you think Cupcakes and Betty White are mad at Neil Degrasse Tyson for stealing all the white people love?
ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME
I saw some crows fighting over some pancakes. They're just like us!
i didnt know how to feel about anything until i read the internet comments. now it's all so clear thank you cumlord420
I love to have sex so casual it's just me barely saying hi to someone in an elevator while wearing cargo shorts
Germany scored that goal to hurt the guy who cut me off an hour ago rushing to a sports bar. Thank you, Germany.
OKAY SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU SOON
Apparently I'm incapable of going on vacation without running across a present for .