We found 185 favorite tweets.
Kelly Clarkson looks very awkward in her Nashville guest spot, no? When they ask ME to guest star I will SLAY, AND do a number.
Ok actually full on deserve this cigar I randomly found
IVE NEVER CLEANED UP OTHER SICK ITS ALWAYS ME TO THROW UP SOS
"Review may contain spoilers". Obvs the story of Moses is p unknown so.
Has Dolly been revived as a name yet? Obviously, if you want to call a child Dolly, she must be registered as Dorothy.
My Twitter account's value increased from threepence-ha'penny to fourpence. Find your own pre-decimal worth as a human being at fuck.off.
Did I wish every1
I saw Magnum
Ice Ceam Bar on TV ! WHOA 😍
I Think I Could Eat a “BOX”👻
“I COULD Eat a Box By MYSELF”😱
“A tweet you were mentioned in got laughed at and retweeted by a twat in a Starbucks”
What’s the point of these notifications exactly?
I’m sad I missed out on Tinder because by the sound of it I’d be king of the world
Just lookin at rich girls with huge teeth on Instagram
Alright, who the fuck gave Derek another series. Own up.
I'd do bad things for a bowl of Crunchy Nut cornflakes right now.
I WAS BEING HUMOROUS YOU FUCKING BITCH TROLL FROM HELL GET BACK TO THE BOWEL YOU WERE EXCRETED FROM
but there's so much more to me than the dickheads who like me :(
DON'T ASSOCIATE MY NAME WITH THIS HELLHOLE
We need to remember that Dougie fails the Wetherspoons test (would you go for it if they weren't famous and approached you at Wetherspoons)
Get the fuck outta here, Tommy....
I would like Tinder if it was actually book reviews instead of photos. Some people do really hot book reviews.
You are a vile pervert and I want to put you in the bin
This. RT : Billy bob Thornton is way sexier than brad Pitt. Oh angelina
It's been a few hours since I've had a Twitter rant about a failed scheme. Shall I trawl the celebrity news sites for a bit?
Unless you're saying "show me how weird you are in 200 words or less" I can't even imagine what would inspire someone to write that
not so much morbid as revoltingly trite.
I was cold I was naked were you there were you there
Idea: slow Fargo the fuck down so it's almost excruciatingly slow, add a filter, get Martin freeman in and pitch to telly network
Is jemble still a thing? I've been away...
In my mind I replace "timber" with "jemble" when I sing along
1) mock everything all the time
2) offend as many people as possible
4) FULL COMMUNISM
My mama bought a special Easter cheese that was red and had a cross on it.........
I know. When I was 19 I often went 100 days without doing anything.
Hey Veet, it's nearly a year since I last shaved my legs & I still love myself despite your body-shaming adverts
I can't believe I come back on here after ages away and boast about my holidays and nobody cares. Tuh.
My sister's starting her new nursing placement tomorrow. Working in a supermarket to fund it. No day off for 14 WEEKS. Fucking hell.
"There are some things about a man that look good on a woman, but stubble isn't one of them" oh fucking DO ONE, ridiculous Veet advert
As I inhale a sharing size bag of jamón Ruffles as a pre-dinner snack, I suddenly understand how and why I got so fat last year
P.s. Went to a gay bar and there was a sumo wrestler in just his thongthing dancing to Spiller Groovejet (remember that one)
Spare a thought for me, a stray cork from a bottle of Prosecco just nearly took my eye out.
This guy’s at my party too. His name is Maki.
He went downhill after S-Club
Burning questions on our Bank Holiday walk: would you rather your child was a trot or an anarchist?
Got home drunk last night and decided to put my shoes in the bath. Because that's where they live.
On a more cultured note, saw a brilliant Balthus retrispective with his wonderful illustrations fir Wuthering Heights
'Make sure you get my good side.'
Remember when Lindsay Lohan covered Edge of Seventeen??? Iconic.
It’s pretty much living the dream, isn’t it. .
Cinema is chocolate 24 times per second.
don't leave me unattended or let me make any decisions I regret them all
Got in some extremely heated arguments with both a priest and an elderly gypsy today, wot bout u
Can't stop reading my last tweet in an Alan Partridge voice and laughing. What a dick. What. A. Dick.
"All-Seeing I with Jarvis Cocker - Walk Like a Panther" MY GOD
Abi, you and I are soul mates.
the sub-header to my entire life.
Mikey there is one thing you need to understand about me: I tweet every individual thought I have
i love how you went away to regroup and refocus but spent the entire time still tweeting.
Beach boys god only knows came on. Had to hide and have a cry. That song. That song.
I think your main problem is that you fraternise with homosexuals, thus falling out of favour with Baby Jesus.
I'm going to take some time. To regroup. Refocus. Assess my priorities. BRB.
Covered up in a shroud
My crucifixion got quite a crowd
While hive was busy controlling my heating at home
Whereas on my FAKE Twitter for my PATHETIC BLOG where all I tweet is HASHTAG YUM and other SHIT I get some FREE fucking TRAINERS
Case in point - despite the fact we are all agreed that 'myself' is hilarious, being 'myself' on this Twitter got me NOWHERE. NOWHERE.
Is there ANY NEED for an ice cream van playing a jingle at a ZILLION DECIBELS to stop RIGHT OUTSIDE our house on a day LIKE TODAY?
I think I've had an epiphany - the problem is I AM TOO INTERESTING. I have some evidence for this.
petition to remove the word 'indeed' from all academia, ever
Really nice to see men representing the moral majority by fantasising about murdering a woman and saying they're "too ugly to rape".
Nick Knowles needs beating to death with a wet sock filled with hot diarrhoea, he is fucking useless & revolting. Oh & a cunt
The vicar from gogglebox just favourited this.
Trying to read a book on the history of social media, but keep getting distracted by social media. The irony is not lost on me.
My Facebook is full of shit like "Actually Easter is an ancient pagan festival of rebirth" Etc.
Well now it's about chocolate. So fuck you.
Forever cursed to be a member of the Finger Skateboard Generation
imagine self-identifying as an atheist to strangers
Nice reminder of how many people out there would like to remove women's ownership of their own bodies and force them to carry babies to term
"The Samaritans talked to our reporter for three hours - even though he wasn't REALLY suicidal"
I'm in the company of Dylan the doge 🐶
Next week's MoS: How our reporter's dog lived in rent free in Battersea Dogs Home for a week, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
a gluten free chocolate Easter for me. the worst kind of Easter.
It would be terrible if anyone sent him a text calling him a cunt.
next week's Mail on Sunday: our reporter was offered SHELTER with NO QUESTIONS ASKED in a HOSTEL and then Ross Slater FUCKED THE BED
Brb guys, just pitching a piece to the Mail where I spend a month in an NHS hospital pretending to have expensive diseases.
I have some great eggs this morning.
"I lied, and now i'm sat here surrounded in the misery that is the compassion of others."
look, I don't want to start a rumour that might slur the name of a Mail on Sunday reporter, but Ross Slater definitely fucked a jar of sauce
"What do you do for a living?"
"I lie to charities in a bid to stop them giving food to poor people."
Just watched the Wolf of Wall St and when it was over I wanted to rub money all over myself. It's not the same with 10p coins though.
So what I am saying is that I am better than you.
When baggy was all the rage, I was travelling the world and sampling it’s many, many delights. Not stood in a field in flares on drugs.
"Violence and tits." - My Dad, on Game of Thrones
I'm sorry, I was busy arranging my train journey to Manchester tonight
I'm just waiting for her to pass comment. I think it's interesting that she hasn't.
She's gagging for a good bit of finger banging with you, it's so obvious.
Oh no, I appreciate breasts. I just don't, like, sexualise them.
You've got a point though, babes, to be fair. I haven't and I don't think Abi could give me one.
Drunk people are the best. ❤️ (This is in response to, "Really, I genuinely don't think I'm hot.")
Suggest you bookmark this
I've noticed Toby only engages with my tweets if they directly reference thinking you are attractive
Stop making this so easy. It's degrading for both of us and poor Abi has to watch.
My mum: "I don't think you'll ever love anyone properly, it's not in your nature" excuse me, I love my cat and I love food so it clearly is
Once I’d got Olivia Newton John I did t care about ANYTHING ELSE
Not sure how your evenings going but I'm at my father's dinner and the Dread Queen is currently outdoing herself w/ the term 'pussy mongrel'
but if it’s a person of *interest* and they ignore me then that’s when I’m done with them.
it switches yours off but if you do it it switches everybody off so its fair game, hahaha
I hope you all know that I need to run every single purchase by you guys now. *~fashun gang~*
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS BEING ABLE TO TAKE STEPS TO REMAIN SANE IS GOOD?!?!???
Obsessed with Morrissey again so this may explain the fluctuating emotions in tweets at the moment.
IT'S NOT FAIR MIKEY I FEEL THE SAME AS I DID THE DAY I FOUND OUT YOU WERE HOMOSEXUAL
IT'S NOT LIKE I STOOD BY AND WAITED FOR YOU THROUGH THAT WHOLE FRANKIE FROM THE SATURDAYS THING AS I KNEW I WAS THE ONE
IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU THROUGH EVERYTHING DOUGIE. IT'S NOT LIKE I WATCHED YOUR FUCKING REALITY SHOWS
It's not like my own lush fingernails are more interesting than Ellie Goulding's entire discography, or anything.
this is one I like to call "WAG on holiday, pre-boob job and post-burger"
It's not like I've seen McFly live in the past ten years more times than I've hoovered my own carpet, or anything.
Okay so I've just seen a story that apparently Dougie from McFly is in a relationship with Ellie Goulding. Really trying to be calm.
*Spins to camera simultaneously, eye-fucks intensely* OOPS I! DID IT AGAIN TO YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THIS GAME OH BABY! OOPS YOU OOPS YOU
But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end! Well, Edward, I went down and go it for you. AH YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
Edward...before you go I want to give you something. Oh it's beautiful! But wait a minute, isn't this? Yes, yes it is.
I'm watching my favourite video on YouTube. Nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, has ever made me as joyful as this. VIDEO
No. My resources of terror and loathing are more limitless than this universe.
Just ate an entire share-bag of crisps by myself, because sharing is for the weak
Isn't being so bitter all the time EXHAUSTING?
"You've been tagged in 18 photos from last night by your sober friend!"
*shuts computer off and leaves the atmosphere
Ben Fogle if he was a sex offender.
Was about to watch before realising I could, in fact, shit in my hands and clap instead. Although that may get me through to the semis.
Can you imagine if I knew about Tinder this time last year? I would have started a matadors on Tinder tumblr
I have purchased two dresses from this shop. This is my world now. I am someone who buys bandage dresses from places called "Celeb Boutique"
This is making me laugh so hard I can't even breathe I can't even explain why
brilliant. And who the fuck are you?
his name includes "brobrobro"
could be us but you playin
Is it weird that your tweets remind me of a Jason Derulo song? (okay I'm sorry I'm so hilarious writing that tweet literally LOLed)
NO IM NOT ALWAYS ON TRAINS, only 90% of the time
I'm amused, but WHY do you keep doing it to yourself??
When your girlfriend does the worst thing she possibly could do to you.
hot boys who can sing are gonna kill me i s2g
forevaa and always bae <33
Shopped. Not dead. Probably about 3 to 6 on my anxiety scale. Got complimented on my coat. Also, book!
At 's new flat and impressed by his TV as art concept... Making laziness creative :)
My dream is to go out with someone with as high a sex drive as mine and spend all our time in bed drinking mojitos.
Oic.. RT: A bottle of wine a day is not bad for you & abstaining is worse than drinking, scientist claims
even as a prudish vegetarian, I am in agreement with this statement.
I want to wash my eyes thoroughly having read it!
*waves hands to indicate disinterest because I've wasted too many years of my life dealing with men who don't understand no*
vagenda formula: random subject + vague attempt to link to feminism x minimal knowledge of subject - readable prose x actual awfulness
A think piece on RLC's relationship with instant coffee and how it informs her reading of intersectionality and other non sequitars
I care so fucking little about Kate Middleton and where in the world she is at that a black hole of exhausted boredom is forming in my chest
Can anyone recommend a good/cheap website for 'Carrie' style name necklaces? May or may not be asking as I want on a necklace.
seeing someone still trying to pull the "wah, i'm an innocent victim!" card when you know the exact bullshit they've pulled is infuriating.
Gonna wear my new watermelon skirt with my mint green tights. Because I can.
I do hope you're collating your OKCupid adventures for a book
Just remembered when I spent like an hour making GIFs of tortoises trying to have sex with shoes.
Just really wanna go for ice cream basically. Particularly sprinkles. Not really fussed on the boy part.
On the train. going to see in less than three hours *bites own hand off in anticipation*
Call me a snob but one of life's greatest pleasures is being the first on the plane then judging all the peasants without priority boarding
at least you aren't covered in baby vom!
Imagine giving more than zilch fucks about what you look like in the airport
I wish I was lying next to a cute guy who would then cuddle me into him and we'd fall asleep all cuddly and cute
Mum is getting up for work and I'm sat eating an Easter egg and watching American Dad because I can't sleep after work
OKCupid seems to be some sort of anarchist/socialist/feminist filtration device. I answer simple questions, and it throws me rad humans.
The most liberating thing I ever did for myself, my sexuality and my gender was to stop trying to be attractive to cishet men.
Social skills where do I buy them?! Is there a Groupon for that?
my mum's troll friend just called me and my mum 'crisp ladies... crisp gals' ACCURATE 💃💃💃
FAO fans of crisps and twin peaks
Fun fact: my first facebook status was 'is snoop dogg'. I have not progressed since 2008.
Here's a great pic of me and in 20 years
The Jemble life cannot be lived unjembly.
(he's especially predisposed to critique jemblism given his position in the inner circle of the jembles)
We've identified that all Richard Curtis films are told exclusively from the Jemble's perspective.
He loves funding new backstreets? Does he work in planning for the local council? What a qt
36 yr old describes me as "quite cute", 'blowmare1' could look @ me forever & not get bored, a guy couldn't live w/o THE OXFORD COMMA
can I start a tumblr of Sam Diss tweets that end in ", like.", like?