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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
BeerhazeMontreal, Canada2009-11-27
@Beerhaze1,608 days
I enjoy moccasins, beer, beaches in November, people with interesting skin disorders, beer and beer.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
18,4395,2924,7851,794255,190
We found 199 favorite tweets.
Ice Princess @Shadysk8tr
Having sex 3 or more times a week will help you love longer

I'm doomed
12d               
22
6
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
Most Common Twitter Lies:
1. I won't tell anyone.
2. I never got your DM.
3. Twitter unfollowed you.
4. You're my only Twitter Crush.
12d               
576
272
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
Calling them "poor life choices" totally minimizes all the joy you bring to people when they laugh at you behind your back.
12d               
447
188
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Maybe we should ask the men who stormed the beaches at Normandy if hiring a late night talk show host is the real war on America.
12d               
51
12
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
The office bathroom is just a conference room for butts.
12d               
28
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
Sure, I want to have sex with you, but not in that super weird "I want to talk to you and be friends" type of way.
12d               
439
169
Ice Princess @Shadysk8tr
Oh never mind I think the two cats fighting ate them
12d               
8
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I like to say things like, "I hope we're not going to be late for the gang bang!"
13d               
557
253
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
I can't turn water into wine, but I'm excellent at turning small talk into sex.
13d               
654
288
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
When a woman is mad, you should:
1. Ask her what's wrong.
2. Don't fucking ask her what's wrong.
13d               
621
328
@JP_theAntiHero
Apparently "makin it rain" is frowned upon at the strip club if you're using a fat stack of PopTarts.
16d               
212
78
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
When you wish Twitter good night, I laugh a little inside.
18d               
71
16
Dave @gneicco
My honor student has his own toilet stall at Roosevelt Elementary.
18d               
7
1
Dave @gneicco
Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

A. The chicken. Eggs can’t experience orgasms.
18d               
14
3
the pied piper @jeffreyvanclea1
Tell me you didn't just try to sound like van Halen
18d               
9
2
David @TwistingShadows
Some girls are nice, some girls are whores.
Some guys are nice, some guys are assholes.
Truth is not everyone wants the same things you do.
18d               
28
8
Scarlett Fever @WittyClitty
How many invites did YOU get to check out YOUR friend's porn blog?!
18d               
11
Abe Y. @Cheeseboy22
I bet the real reason no one wanted to adopt Annie before Daddy Warbucks came along was that she was always breaking into song.
18d               
117
28
Uncultured Swine @numba1bat
Gettin' real tired of your shit, Spring.
18d               
4
Dave @gneicco
My clocks are all set to Greenwich Nice Time.
18d               
23
3
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
Not to brag but I never met a single chick with 5 kids in her 40's that didn't totally want me. It's a curse really.
18d               
74
9
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
"You'll Grow Up to Be a Shitty Person Someday" - title of my children's book
18d               
183
79
Chiggerweeds @chiggerweeds
When you refer to a sports team as "we" won & "we" are going to the finals, poor thing, you peaked in high school, didn't you?
18d               
16
2
Max Powers @ManginaMcCool
Yeah, that was funny but I'm not going to star it because you unfollowed me.

Yeah, that is petty.

Dick.
18d               
6
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
If you're not following @levimacdougall then you are a stupid idiot ok that was harsh but seriously c'mon. #FF
18d               
12
UCMEICU2 @ExploringUrMind
I drink to remind myself that there are still humans that drink to forget about nonsense that has nothing to do with drinking.
18d               
30
3
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Twitter For Dummies:

Chapter 1: Don't
18d               
64
17
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
Why does Captain America have the Falcon? Isn't that an old character from SNL?
18d               
17
candice booth @tyrantprincess
I'm so in love w/the diversity of the people I follow. It goes from funny, inspirational, atheists, socially conscious & my fav #feminists
18d               
7
1
Jakob Huber @jakob_huber
Win nightclub break dancing competitions by incorporating this one simple break dance move: breaking a bar stool over your opponent's head
18d               
36
1
Fred @Freddy_Mash
I wouldn't gain weight if I stopped smoking.
I'd gain number of murder victims though.
18d               
2
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Sorry I missed your tweet...

That's just how I scroll.
18d               
89
37
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
pay homage to your once-active sex life by creating a tumbleweed out of your overgrown pubes
18d               
70
19
UCMEICU2 @ExploringUrMind
Well nothing just here multi-tasking with your mother as we read this tweet together with you.
18d               
17
All Hail Jerry Renek @jerryRenek
Digging that Black Flag song about how much Henry Rollins loves his Aeron chair.
18d               
8
1
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
It's worse when a British comedian gets his bits stolen.
18d               
19
5
Banana Cupcakes™® @schumyxxx
When I was a kid I thought that I could breathe through my butthole underwater. It doesn’t work.
18d               
18
jacquelin @viciousbabydoll
I wonder what would be said for my eulogy....she was born, she was an idiot, she died.

Y'know what, I think I'll skip on the funeral.
18d               
17
4
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
Got my mind on my money and my money at the liquor store.
18d               
58
15
Mary Caliendo @2happyright
When ever I buy trail mix I also buy a bag of M & M's b/c that's why we buy trail mix anyway right?
18d               
8
1
Fred @Freddy_Mash
Every decent tweet I click on has got a spasticated reply at the bottom.
No wonder favstar people are fucking hermits.
18d               
3
1
Evan J'daté Kessler @EvanJKessler
Sorry I was late to your bad movie night, but I had initially put on my jacket inside out and, well, high jinks ensued.
18d               
14
1
Major McNipples @mikeym00n
I need medical marijuana to relieve the pain in my lungs caused by smoking marijuana.
18d               
23
1
Miss Moneypenny @_Ms_Moneypenny_
Reasons he didn't text you:
- He forgot.
- He fell asleep.
- His phone died.
- His pet died.
- His GF died.
- He died.
- He thinks you died.
18d               
296
162
Bodhi @_bodhi_23
The problem with a good memory is that you have a good memory...
18d               
6
UCMEICU2 @ExploringUrMind
I tweet with a cape/throw on my head cuz my liver thinks I'm a superhero.
18d               
19
Christopher Sherk @TheIronSherk
The Chinese cannibal was finally tracked down and brought to justice after he bit off more than he could Chiu.
18d               
141
73
The Guy @theguydf
Fact: Eating just one bag of dicks a week lowers cholesterol by 35%.
18d               
38
17
Lady Sly Madness @BriarSlyMadness
MEN: When your Lady is acting like an irrational Bitch...by all means...poke the crazy.

You weren't "attached" to your balls anyway, right?
18d               
121
68
Carbosly @Carbosly
I own power tools too.
Have you met boobs, ass, legs & vagina?
18d               
47
14
Sarah Eh! @pro_insanity
half baked: ideas
twice baked: potatoes
baked: most ppl on twitter right now
18d               
19
6
the pied piper @jeffreyvanclea1
When I was a kid .. you hardly ever saw a talking dog
18d               
10
2
the pied piper @jeffreyvanclea1
There must be a place in the desert where they determine if corn chips are market ready
18d               
8
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
If it's a periodic table why doesn't it ever change?
18d               
30
3
Chiggerweeds @chiggerweeds
I'm getting to where I like to be home by 10pm.
18d               
21
2
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
You people doing unspeakable things for drugs know about jobs, right?
18d               
46
4
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
Give her some penis and smoke some crack, you won't care if you ever get back....
18d               
34
5
donni @donni
Enjoy the smooth, bold flavor of pants
18d               
76
11
Jane @DevilledCupcake
Definition of pathetic.
Over 20 & haven't advanced from tagging your name to anything resembling street art?
18d               
5
Jane @DevilledCupcake
Definition of pathetic.
Two mid 20's guys slinking off when a woman (me) tells them off for tagging her building.
18d               
7
1
Brian @BDGarp
Home is where the private bathroom is.
18d               
113
32
Banana Cupcakes™® @schumyxxx
Better to be drunk than useless.
18d               
18
4
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
I star & retweet people without expecting anything back in return.

Instead of whining about retweets, some of you should try that concept.
18d               
455
230
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
Guess who's got a freshly shaven face and is sexy as a motherfucker!?

Your mom.
18d               
16
1
@JP_theAntiHero
God ur hot
Smell so fuckin good
I gotta stick a finger in
Fuck ur so moist
Sticky
Let me lick around the edge

Me to this cinnamon roll*
18d               
137
61
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
Women often express their love for someone by cooking them a meal.
Not me. If I do it, it's over....especially if you eat it.
18d               
28
2
Sue Permarket @Hormonella
People who post links to pictures that are actually words?

What the fuck is wrong with words?
18d               
131
33
Brian @BDGarp
Sometimes the only thing you can do is everything possible.
18d               
110
36
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
The teen just surprised me in a dark kitchen. Frankly, she's lucky to be alive.
18d               
16
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
Ladies on my timeline. Just in case no one told you today, you're beautiful.
<3
18d               
44
25
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
A woman was bragging that she was 5ft 8 and a size zero.
She was so annoying that I had no choice but to eat her.

Curvy & proud, bitches
19d               
83
34
MentalAbortions @MentalAbortions
If love was meant for everybody it would taste like chicken.
19d               
119
49
Shane @shanethevein
I'm all for free speech but I think you should be able to pay people to shut up.
19d               
72
16
Jameson Seven @JamesonN7
I have asked Salt n Pepper.....get up on what cause I'm white
19d               
6
1
Chiggerweeds @chiggerweeds
Tribal
Birds
Stars
Feathers
Non-Asian people who've never even been to China Town with Asian dragons

Nope. Never seen a tattoo like yours.
19d               
9
2
MentalAbortions @MentalAbortions
Enough with the, "A true friend will..." tweets. I get it, I never had any.
19d               
50
10
Shane @shanethevein
People who smoke weed everyday are chronic abusers.

Hold your applause.
19d               
42
2
Fred @Freddy_Mash
Imagine a detective called Bob Beetroot and he just walks past the dead body and looks in the fridge to get beetroot,but there isn't any.
19d               
5
1
SAL @gmossii
A coworker was whining that all the men in the office only wear black or gray. I told her that all the men just wished they were Batman.
19d               
38
9
Susan W @Maxine12333
When pupils dilate you have either seen someone you like or you're on drugs. Either way,
your brain is mush. Proceed with caution.
19d               
184
97
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Get up off your ass, change whatever it is you don't like in your life & stop crying like a little bitch!

See I can be inspiration & shit.
19d               
345
205
Brian @BDGarp
Some people tweet like they're trying on different outfits.
19d               
105
29
Jameson Seven @JamesonN7
I thought swag was past tense of swig, my bad
19d               
61
35
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
Ask your doctor if subtweeting through RTs is right for you.
19d               
20
1
Brian @BDGarp
People have more issues than anybody.
19d               
62
10
Sue Permarket @Hormonella
Waking up in tears is the new crying yourself to sleep.
19d               
140
50
Susan W @Maxine12333
Being loved doesn't make you special but it does makes your whole world seem special.
19d               
167
79
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
i only date people without a pulse
19d               
77
25
Banana Cupcakes™® @schumyxxx
Can somebody please bring me a giraffe? I'll explain later.
19d               
25
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
captchas make good baby names. for example: my firstborn will be named c00L acc1d3nT
19d               
97
24
All Hail Jerry Renek @jerryRenek
Gross. You're covered in human hair.
19d               
5
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
When my dad died he left me his entire liquor collection.
What a wild 6 hours that was.
19d               
62
7
Shane @shanethevein
Not all my ideas are bad.

Some are stupid and a few are naughty.
19d               
96
26
donni @donni
*Deletes a tweet, crumples up paper into a ball, kicks a can down the road*
20d               
51
6
Madelene @MadAxes
My heart needs the ocean like my body needs the water.
20d               
43
11
candice booth @tyrantprincess
All I can say is CBS has to replace #Letterman w/ someone with edge. I can't watch "made for everyone" television.
20d               
2
Kali Mura @Kali_Mura
If a women at the salon tries to start small talk with me, I say, "This is way nicer than in prison" and then I get to read my magazine.
20d               
114
47
JD Crowe @CroweJam
Where I come from, 'uncoupling' is what you do to 2 dogs with a water hose.
20d               
391
154
SAL @gmossii
It took a little over twenty years but momma finally knocked me out.
20d               
31
4
Karmavore64 @awordforaword
People who never ask for help because they keep helping others who don't return the favor.
20d               
86
41
Karmavore64 @awordforaword
How married is your bipolar disorder?
20d               
79
40
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
An interpretive dance, to interpret just how much I hate interpretive dance.
20d               
64
15
☆ Stαяs Ðaηcε ☆ @Y0uSaidWhatNow
You know how there's always a set of emojis that you don't use?Yeah.I EXPLOIT all of them.You take what you get.That's what I've been taught
20d               
4
1
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Alas in Twitterland: let's all just follow each other right down that crazy endless rabbit hole of insanity.
20d               
39
4
Shane @shanethevein
You don't hit rock bottom.

It hits you.
20d               
325
162
JD Crowe @CroweJam
Panda-Imodium. Because there's nothing worse than a large cuddly bear with the squirts.
20d               
201
52
Shane @shanethevein
Just for your information all my bad tweet ideas came from you guys.
20d               
46
4
JD Crowe @CroweJam
Delirious as a dingo in a daycare.
21d               
252
65
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Don't judge someone because they have a better time sinning than you do.
21d               
466
342
Magnus @M4D0M
Sweden:
3 day parking at hospital= $45
3 days at childrens hospital with appendix operation, food and hot nurses = $18
21d               
5
SAL @gmossii
The early worm forms a posse and takes down the early bird.
21d               
66
30
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Some tweets should be taken into the deep dark woods, and never seen again.
21d               
46
3
MentalAbortions @MentalAbortions
I once thought I'd found my soul mate. Drugs are funny like that.
21d               
150
85
All Hail Jerry Renek @jerryRenek
Malaysia Airlines Flight Tracker #FailedApps @midnight
21d               
570
282
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
CNN: MARCO!

Flight 370: POLO!! LOL
21d               
21
7
Madelene @MadAxes
Emotions are supposed to be raw, not always pretty and sometimes brutal - you don't want someone to 'sorta' love you.
22d               
31
5
@JP_theAntiHero
If you can't convince your gf to use scotch tape to make her eye droop so you can get an authentic Brenda for 90210 role play you've failed.
22d               
124
39
MentalAbortions @MentalAbortions
Never thought I'd keep following someone I no longer cared for, but I also never thought I'd find pathetic as entertaining as you make it.
22d               
69
18
Brian @BDGarp
Empathy is understanding with your heart.
22d               
136
74
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
april fool's prank: love and embrace humanity
22d               
90
22
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Speed dating leads to speed marriages leading to speed divorces leading to more speed dating.
22d               
45
7
MentalAbortions @MentalAbortions
If everything happens for a reason, then not every reason has a purpose.
23d               
108
52
candice booth @tyrantprincess
I just said "bless you" to my son after he sneezed. We're both atheists but I'm nothing if not polite and a people pleaser to my core.
23d               
6
2
David @TwistingShadows
Never trust a guy who always gets good letters in scrabble.
23d               
54
5
Susan W @Maxine12333
If you just know its the right thing to do, then what's stopping you?
23d               
191
121
Karmavore64 @awordforaword
Bored again children.
24d               
78
29
HacknSpray @HacknSpray
If your whole day revolves around when you can go smoke weed then you should probably reconsider some life decisions you've made.
24d               
6
1
Cookie's Eye Candy @sfreeze6
When I was 5, I wanted to be a train conductor or a kangaroo, so safe to say I'm a colossal fucking failure.
24d               
113
41
Warren Holstein @WarrenHolstein
Did you know if you listen to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album backwards on a record player, you probably also own actual books?
24d               
19
4
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Tweeting is like swallowing razor blades.

It's much harder than it looks.
24d               
57
15
Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet
Way to rock those Spanx, Beatrice! Nevermind that you now have a moon face and feet like hot water bottles, cuz Gurl, your gut is slammin'!
24d               
26
8
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
I don't ask much, however, I expect a 100% of what I do ask.
24d               
7
2
David @TwistingShadows
While most men are about tits, I’m about heart.
If you don’t have a heart we’ll probably never date.
24d               
31
6
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
well i just had the displeasure of having a tongue in my ear canal. in other news, im attaching a gravestone to my vagina
24d               
65
7
David @TwistingShadows
My current life profession is being able to explain the different ways of not giving a fuck through interpretive dance.
24d               
27
9
Madelene @MadAxes
The world softens when we soften.
24d               
81
30
MentalAbortions @MentalAbortions
Yeah, I'm a breath of fresh air. Piss off.
25d               
85
27
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
It's my way or the cry way.
25d               
57
16
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Intelligent is the new beautiful.

(Unless you’re ugly)
25d               
448
265
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Some polydactyl cats have developed opposable thumb-like skills meaning we’re about a century away from being their favorite Internet meme.
25d               
54
12
Karmavore64 @awordforaword
Job security is this century's fairy tale. Even if your resume includes "I was born here".
25d               
57
20
Uncle Bob @NowAPisces
One of the best times to get buzzed is 6:49 AM.
Father forgive me for I know not what I do.
25d               
21
4
donni @donni
Sometimes I break into your homes at night and use experimental martial arts on your upper thighs. That's how they get mysteriously bruised
25d               
51
10
Rack On Tour @BabetteJones
Hey drunk girls. Cut your bangs, I dare you!
25d               
32
6
Kali Mura @Kali_Mura
She died doing what she loved, typing “EARTHQUAKE!!!” into twi
25d               
49
11
donni @donni
Any of you guys seen these dogs? Dogs? Hear about this? Dogs. Good boys, too
25d               
42
2
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
The three guarantees in life: death, taxes and embarrassment when sports writers try to be funny.
25d               
25
Will de Bastard King @Basstardy
A Pub called the Gizzard and Gonad
26d               
36
4
Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
Picnic tables are for kid's birthday parties and hobo sex.
26d               
22
6
Somer Canon @SomerM
In my family, being Irish means being enthusiastic about fighting, drinking, sex, and epitaphs. Our gravestones are a fucking hoot.
26d               
15
2
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
If you didn't get your hair and makeup done while listening to Ace of Base with a bagpipe playing in the backyard chasing after pugs...pfft.
26d               
66
14
Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
I mute the commercials just like grandma used to.
26d               
7
Tim @qwertying
Beer belly men with big moobs and a huge ass don't look like signs of an intelligent design to me.
26d               
17
6
C'est la vie @Robert_Beau
I never tweet during Friday rush to the bank traffic, what with drinking and jerking off.
26d               
25
10
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
Draft Day is the Cleveland Browns of movies.
26d               
81
39
Tim @qwertying
You know your family loves you when they’re considerate enough to wait until you’re dead before they talk shit about you.
26d               
20
6
FrauDammt @FrauDammt
Saw a Smart Car today. On it was a bumper sticker that stated, "Yes, I AM compensating"

Naturally, I immediately got the fuck out of there
26d               
22
1
Tim @qwertying
"I'm glad that you are a part of my life. It would be so dull if I had to be a part of yours”

I think I was just insulted!
26d               
16
4
Jamit ;) @fridaykickbox
Asked for an epidural with my first born when the pain got too intense. They told me it was too late the baby was coming.

My life summary.
26d               
70
18
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Wife invited 3 ladies for tea and snacks. I was in the living room for a few minutes, left before Almodóvar showed up.
26d               
9
Sly @slyoung5
Lick the split,
till you hit to the clit.
If you fuck that up,
stick with the tit.
26d               
110
28
Will de Bastard King @Basstardy
It isn't clear to me from the look on your face as to whether you are having a baby right now or engaging in flatulence management
26d               
54
13
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
"I wish they'd find that damn plane so I can get some air time." -Ebola
26d               
40
12
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Methodological research is always ideological and doomed to failure. My foundation for research is based on randomness, a.k.a. chaos.
26d               
17
3
Erica B @SCbchbum
Maybe I WANT to “dine in” alone, smug fast food cashier. Fiiiine. Just give me the goddamn bag.
26d               
61
13
Sarah ... @meowsepink
Hey, if you guys get me to 10k by midnight I won't have sex with your dads.
26d               
33
8
Sarah @SarahFemme
I'm pretty sure that when you click "help" on the Twitter settings menu, it deletes your account and Googles local therapists.
26d               
54
16
Moron That @markste71128147
Like sand in an hourglass body bikini, so are the lays of our dives.
26d               
15
2
Will de Bastard King @Basstardy
Did you say livid or limpid?
26d               
40
10
Greg Wright @GregHenchman
I take rainy days personally.
26d               
59
20
Lizardo Moonboner @randomover2
So cold here today I'm shaking like Christie's chins.
26d               
4
1
Jamie Tighe @thejamietighe
Hey, how long has this place had a log off button?
26d               
49
18
Larry @VocabuLarry
God is punishing me because I only gave him 95% of the glory.
26d               
22
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
I'm just here for the parenting advice.
26d               
66
26
Bodhi @_bodhi_23
We manage sessions by single dates. Don't you give me something with a date range when you know perfectly well I can't process it.
26d               
4
April @NoFlipFlops
You know you're in a real Mexican restaurant when you have to point to the menu items because none of the staff speak English.
26d               
10
1
Raghav @GreenSmoke_
Your tweets say you sometime think that your cat must have had a manly boner.
26d               
9
3
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
I knew she was the wrong woman, but there's nothing wrong with enjoying the right mistake at the right time.
26d               
62
26
donni @donni
I think it's great that you guys care so much about all the things
26d               
51
5
Duey Oxberger @JTQuest
Most of the best opinions are secrets.
26d               
47
5
Sly @slyoung5
I just served the best sandwich to my husband.
It was a knuckle sandwich, for no sex.
26d               
155
31
Banana Cupcakes™® @schumyxxx
What do you mean Macarena is NOT on your playlist, Mr. DJ? What kind of retirement party is this?
26d               
15
1
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
People who copy themselves on work emails probably also spend an excessive amount of time looking in mirrors.
26d               
30
1
Lizardo Moonboner @randomover2
Do cute animals piss me off for the same reason all the office women hate the new girl's yoga pants?
26d               
8
1
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
...it could be worse, we could all be in a room together.
26d               
101
45
Somer Canon @SomerM
I don't understand people who only have one "type." Variety is awesome and not limiting. Don't be an entitled shit.
-subtweet to Pepsi ppl
26d               
24
8
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
If you think my tweets don't make sense, you should see my life.
26d               
94
34
Tink, The Duchess @Tinkerbell_
I'm sorry, that was mean, I'm sure your boobs are plump and firm and your cock is big and manly Xx
26d               
47
3
Tink, The Duchess @Tinkerbell_
Rant over.
Of course you must do as you wish.
As must I, by ranting.
Now...As you were Xx
26d               
36
Lizardo Moonboner @randomover2
I wake up every morning with everything but my right foot under the covers.

Freak ghost.
26d               
9
3
Lizardo Moonboner @randomover2
Pretty impressive how I wore this freshly dry cleaned, brand new polo dress shirt, so I can look like I've been up all night smoking crack.
26d               
9
4
Will de Bastard King @Basstardy
It may have been his prominent brow, or perhaps the slope of his combed back hair, that led me to believe he knew Jane Goodall very well
26d               
48
7
donni @donni
You do the hokey pokey til you're six feet underground / Death's what it's all about
26d               
72
18
donni @donni
"My sleep number is 21!" I tell the blackjack dealer, anticipating a HUGE laugh
26d               
53
4
Jandalize @Jandalize
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
26d               
263
103
donni @donni
You got a permit for that smell?
26d               
74
19
Uncultured Swine @numba1bat
People that flash their lights to warn you about a cop are the best kind of people and everyone should aim to be like them.
26d               
14
10
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
Friend: I love eating things that want to eat me.
Me: *Spits out food* Fuck!..we're eating your husband?

Alligator..apparently.
27d               
18
3
Duey Oxberger @JTQuest
'Other than that, he was pretty well-behaved, for a bull anyway,' the China shop owner later admitted.
27d               
57
12
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