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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
BeerhazeMontreal, Canada2009-11-27
@Beerhaze1,757 days
I enjoy moccasins, beer, beaches in November, people with interesting skin disorders, beer and beer.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
17,3312,9394,8521,722248,999
We found 198 favorite tweets.
Your Mom @HorribleDancer
I always carry a pic of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the cop wants to check my license for awesome.
4d               
15
6
Kathy Slamen @hellophotokitty
procrastination is the most sincere form of laziness...
4d               
2
Carbosly @Carbosly
Saw a grandma texting, drinking & driving. She saw me looking & gave me the finger.

Pretty sure she was Twitter assuming its human form.
4d               
108
55
Your Mom @HorribleDancer
"Tell them I have left & will be there any minute." ~ Delivery guys.
4d               
14
7
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
They're organizing a Formula E (for electric) racing category here. I suppose pit stops will include poetry readings.
5d               
10
2
Tom Magnum @DogLovesWine
So, we go over to help these people and they kill aid workers and journalists.

Scum filth deserve a war.

TIME TO BOMB
5d               
5
Mike Schism @MikeSchism
I just realized I sound really racist when I speak in a mock Asian language.
5d               
13
1
Susan W @Maxine12333
here is the word 'to' I forgot in last tweet:( Place accordingly.
5d               
49
8
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
Women who pee on the loo seat...what the ever fucking fuck?!?!!
5d               
54
4
Traveller @cityrider49
Time for pumpkin spiced cow bell?
5d               
8
Heather B. Armstrong @dooce
5-yr-old: running around looking for the puppy purse that is slung across her body.

Me: Silent, taking puffs from an invisible cigarette.
5d               
74
12
chantelle @SassyChantelle
Met my first gluten free vegan today so I'm pretty much ready to leave this planet now
5d               
22
5
Tim @qwertying
I hate the way my dog watches us having sex.

*dog yawns*

It's like he's not even interested.
5d               
59
25
Mary Caliendo @2happyright
So to clarify...Window dressing does NOT mean getting dressed in front of the open picture window!!
5d               
17
3
A Murder Of Crows @TheWellOfSongs
The gift of tears.
5d               
17
8
Tim @qwertying
Anyone that buys lottery tickets is an idiot for wasting his money.

Unless of course you win, then you're my new best friend.
5d               
29
8
JerryThomas @JerryThomas
It's one of those days where I just want to flop around in a giant swimming pool full of Beanie Babies.
5d               
6
Nat @GermanFreckles
My showers are always long. Because, priorities.
5d               
106
51
Count Mackula @CountMackula
Remember all those 10000 years before antidepresseants where people were all "SHUT THE FUCK UP & SUCK IT UP LIKE THE REST OF US"

Good times
5d               
52
23
The Psycholyst @Psycholyst
Always remember that when you "never forget" something, you're only remembering what an extraterrestrial marketer implanted.
5d               
9
1
Rachelle Keller @PurpleCatJewels
Mmmm…crunchy peaches fresh-picked at the very peak of disappointment.
5d               
8
3
Eye'm With the Band @NowAPisces
I miss the Middle Ages when you could burn someone at the stake for disagreeing with your fantasy.
5d               
22
2
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Get the fuck out of my face with your 33% less sodium triscuits
5d               
121
26
Madame Taco @scoccaro
I read in National Geographic some shit about if your dogs tail lists one way while wagging it means something. I call bullshit.
5d               
2
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
My elevator footage is just a floor by floor slow motion account of my life slipping silently away from me.
5d               
13
4
Michèle @Boleyngirly
You know that person who always blames someone else for all their problems? Hey, how's it going. I'm that someone else.
5d               
50
22
TO33IE @thetobbie
FIVE tipsy, loud black guys including myself just spent a few seconds in an elevator with ONE white woman. That's it. That's the joke...
5d               
25
4
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Sometimes, what doesn't kill you makes you weaker. Like pneumonia, HIV, gangrene or being made small by a Koopa Troopa. :(
5d               
49
16
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Our 30th wedding anniversary tomorrow. My pharmacist wife will work the 3PM-to-midnight shift. She may bite only 2 or 3 customers.
5d               
20
3
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
The new Playstation NFL Football is so real, you're entire team will be suspended within the first 10 minutes.
5d               
120
66
J @junejuly12
Men are lazy

Women are crazy

Any questions
5d               
271
153
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Famous last words - "What does this lever do?"
5d               
38
12
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Believe it or not I don’t drink. I let people believe I do because, “I was drunk” sounds better than “I’m a fucking idiot.”
5d               
174
66
[Teresa] @Navy_Bean_Soup
Turning someone's world upside down by introducing them to Bad News Bears on a Saturday afternoon.
5d               
8
Bianca LaVagina @AnitaHelmet
I can't wait for a time when I won't care that my boobs are down to my gut, my gut hangs out of my pants, and my pants are around my ankles.
5d               
18
4
Erica @SCbchbum
Good rule of thumb for local bands: Don't cover songs by amazing artists if you suck.
5d               
89
15
Chase Roper @ChaseRoper
Dad at this bday party just introduced himself with an aggressively firm hand shake. OK YOU ARE THE SUPERIOR MALE!
5d               
1
Kiley @Freya80
About to blast some old (old) jazz records. Time to melt some wax...
5d               
2
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
@alanboiiz Son has a new hobby. Says: "New challenge. New pain in places I didn't know even existed": pic.twitter.com/dPpxUyEiwn
5d in reply to alanboiiz               
3
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
All I'd like is a cuddle. A long, all night, never-ending cuddle.
5d               
35
10
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
I love ironing. Burning archy shapes into everything is really therapeutic.
5d               
28
13
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
My pal @banjodrill made an amazing cartoon from one of my tweets! pic.twitter.com/oloIEoQpGu
5d               
26
3
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
At the nail salon, no one knows you're Hormonerra.
5d               
40
6
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
One minute that person wasn't anything more than a friendship and now you refer to them as your ex?
BS level...achieved.
5d               
11
4
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Like an echo, peace answers but does not show itself.
5d               
16
7
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
My elevator footage is me mouthing the words, what the fuck?
5d               
8
Denise! @Stellacopter
There's always one guy at the gym wearing a wig.
5d               
42
5
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
If you are feeling particularly indecisive, just order one assorted donut.
5d               
42
7
Soap Box Liberal @GPappalardo
Saudi Arabia has decided to help the fight against ISIS because they want to be the world leaders in beheading innocent people.
5d               
8
1
Canadian Made @kimwilliamz
Sometimes people say things they don't mean and then again sometimes what they say has no meaning.
6d               
11
1
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
What do you mean no DM's? Your avi says yes.
6d               
20
4
Stacy @Stexcy
I'm at my most creative when I'm told to go fuck myself.
6d               
13
2
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
Nobody goes to a public library. An overdue book smells like a toilet.
6d               
8
1
Mason McCann @AhMcCann
So I guess the lesson from the Pistorius trial is it's also not murder to shoot an imaginary black man
6d               
4
6
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
A student pilot will automatically get a license after successfully landing on a Carrier air conditioner.
6d               
13
Tweeting Dad @TweetingDadGuy
You guys remember Hootie? I had a good Hootie tweet once.
6d               
35
9
The Guy @theguydf
If you had a bad week just be thankful that you're not the PR guy for the NFL.
6d               
45
36
Stacy @Stexcy
The NFL should market their team logos on wife-beater undershirts.
6d               
14
4
Bobby Boucher @MetricButtload
Always draw nipples on pictures of gorillas. Otherwise, people won’t take you seriously.
6d               
4
1
eleven elonen @DrWobstaCwaw
I get Taco Bell occasionally because sometimes I make too many good decisions in a row and I can't handle the pressure of a winning streak.
6d               
4
Linda in Disguise @LindaInDisguise
If your wife's been on Twitter long enough, you don't even blink when she asks "How do you spell hermaphrodite?"
6d               
21
3
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Maybe Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson are playing a really fucked up game of rich people truth or dare
6d               
131
65
Joe Bizness @theJoeBiz
Soaping one's own asshole is the pride and joy of being human
6d               
5
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
Weekend Twitter, you are so dead to me.
6d               
57
14
Kiley @Freya80
My mom sent Chloe and I gifts from her most recent trip/adventures. Umm she got Frank a Harley Davidson leather cap.
6d               
2
Becky Needs Caffeine @beckyiniowa
Pretty sure "social media expert" is just a fancier way of saying "unemployed attention whore".
6d               
45
16
Moron That @markste71128147
Sometimes humor is a mask. Like makeup covering scars.
6d               
27
8
Eye'm With the Band @NowAPisces
I don't care if you are frozen, I'm licking you, baby. - Me, talking to an Eskimo Pie.
6d               
17
2
Bianca LaVagina @AnitaHelmet
"So am I your alibi, or am I the reason you need an alibi?"

- Why my friends love me and their spouses hate me.
6d               
27
6
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
All it would take would be the Fire Brigade and the jaws of life to turn my car into a convertible.
Oh, and an accident.
Never mind.
6d               
16
5
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Reminder: Palins are spawning.
Be afwaid. Be vewy afwaid.
6d               
13
1
Mary Caliendo @2happyright
Middle of the afternoon smiles to yourself~ Be the one that causes that!
6d               
15
5
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Hey Bono, The Edge, Bartles and James or whatever the other guys names are, please get your album out of my music library. Thanks.
6d               
439
269
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
The worst part of living in Minnesota is ice fishing because it requires me to maintain my beach body year round.
6d               
42
2
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
Don't forget to post thinly veiled insults to people you don't even know today!
6d               
71
26
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Dismantling reality, one drink at a time.
6d               
37
18
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
I saved a bundle on jeggings by not waxing my legs!
6d               
57
10
Sheila @1Happytwit
You'd be surprised how much wine you have to drink before HR deem you "unfit to work" and send you home.
6d               
207
91
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
"FUCK OFF, please." ~ Because manners are important.
6d               
28
2
Puddin Cuddle-Thug @PuddingBoobs
I want to be rich enough to kill someone and have no consequences.
7d               
117
32
Becky Needs Caffeine @beckyiniowa
Mercedes Benz is advertising a dashboard touch pad that reads your handwriting.
I can't even read my writing so I doubt any car could.
7d               
12
2
Peach Grenade @peachgrenade
I hate when someone yawns & it makes me yawn while we're having sex
7d               
42
2
Zalesman @zalesman
I've realized that I don't have much in common with most people my age. Talk about your work? I'd rather play Minecraft with your kids.
7d               
2
Mariana @dietredbull
my patience went out to get a pack of cigarettes
7d               
30
1
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
Someone I didn't know took her life last night.
The ripples of suicide reach far.

Breathe.
Do nothing.
But stay.
Just a moment more Xx
7d               
59
8
Soap Box Liberal @GPappalardo
Yes, but this time we're bombing Iraq with their permission.
7d               
4
1
Mariana @dietredbull
Hugging a tree is great if you wanna make other trees jealous.
8d               
27
2
Becky Needs Caffeine @beckyiniowa
Wal-Mart.
The low prices you want, the self confidence boost you need.
8d               
36
15
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
New to Twitter?

1. Stars are free - use with abandon!

2. ReTweet if you wish you had said it yourself.

3. Kiss your fucking life goodbye!
8d               
227
102
Sheila @1Happytwit
I really don't know why this cop pulled me over to ask me where the fire is when I haven't even started one yet.
8d               
216
98
Denise! @Stellacopter
Prescription hugs. I'd abuse that shit.
10d               
189
74
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
I was sad when I had no FavStar 'til I met a man with no Twitter account.
11d               
81
14
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
Glass
Ice
Vodka

Combine all ingredients, stir, drink, go fuck yourself
12d               
58
13
Lone_Star @Carter_TCB
Recently invented a device that prevents unnecessary talking during sex. It fits right over her mouth.
12d               
49
15
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
"Points at Starbucks*
That's where the book store was.
That other Starbucks was a record store.
This one?
A smaller Starbucks.
12d               
54
13
Zachary? @GreenishDuck
Hi my name is Zach I'm 30 years old and I troll my parents by texting them links to songs I know they don't like.
12d               
42
4
JT @JTppMan
My heart is black, but my pp is small.
12d               
13
2
GOAT @goatwhore666
Your Twitter account isn't worth a bottle of goat jizz!
Calm down!
12d               
7
2
BananaCleveClub @cleve66
A dog that stays with you through the farts. That.
12d               
19
8
Jesus Jaramillo @jomartin26
Does that Farmers Only dating website accept people who illegally grow marijuana?
12d               
2
Kevin @UniBagger
I use my hot tub to simmer down.
12d               
1
Jess [ham] @thejessbess
*uses live lobster to clip my hair back*
12d               
190
67
jeffswarens @jeffswarens
She went into Jeans Warehouse 30 minutes ago. I'm starting to worry
12d               
11
Ben Siemon @BenjaminJS
Fosters: Australian for orphans.
12d               
8
Les @hiimles
Sure, let's jog on a pitch black bike path with no illumination. What could possibly go wrong?
12d               
10
Nope @jamitupin
Double the excitement by finding out you're old enough to be his mother.
12d               
114
50
Amy Zesbaugh @amyzesbaugh
Autocorrect changed "Scotland" to "ascot land." That sounds like one of the neighborhoods at Disneyland.
12d               
6
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
If you add a long hashtag to a tweet or Instagram pic, capitalize the first letter of each word. No one wants to work that hard at reading.
13d               
836
533
Sheila @1Happytwit
A co-worker said I was a bitch with a god complex. He’s going to be fucking sorry when I smite him.
14d               
294
112
Mariana @dietredbull
So gutted. Another one of our treasures gone. Thank you for all the laughter you brought to so many. RIP Joan Rivers
14d               
27
1
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
Eating the pouch of powdered cheese from a box of macaroni is probably only the 18th or 19th dumbest thing I've ever done.
19d               
31
7
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
I hope everyone is enjoying their last weekend before the madness of pumpkin spice season begins.
19d               
59
13
Bozwonk @lolwarlol
Anyone know what Cheryl Cole is doing these days? We never hear about her or see her or read about her diets and heartache.
19d               
6
1
M. Crow @mean_crow
so on my wedding invite it says 'Strictly no axes', that doesn't apply to me, right? Created specifically for me, okay, not even one axe?
19d               
74
27
GinRumMe @GinRumMe
Oh, the bidets of our lives.
19d               
19
2
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
WebMD says it's Adult Onset Apathy.
19d               
133
40
Lani @LaniBeno
9 hours at work today manual labouring to new office. Same again tomorrow. So in between, this bottle of gin is keeping me company. Cheers.
19d               
24
2
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Nothing says "I'm a credit risk" like that Kid Rock tattoo.
19d               
86
40
Wile E. Quixote @ScottLinnen
Take away Putin's precious upcoming World Cup and we won't be seeing any more Russians playing offsides.
19d               
44
5
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A SANDWICH MOM
19d               
19
6
Hippo Critt @iheartgunts
"Can't wait to lick your hole."--me, to this donut.
19d               
17
5
legs mehnidict @Slumber_Partay
The whole "I'm no hero, I'm just from lowly District 12" act is tiresome Katniss Everdeen - you are just as power-hungry as the rest of us.
19d               
13
Rachie @rachiecandice
I’m watching the Sons of Anarchy stage a crime scene knowing how Dexter would disprove it instantly and WHY DO ALL GOOD THINGS HAVE TO END?!
19d               
9
1
Tim @Playing_Dad
Selling a system you designed because you're kids were out of control is a great way to profit off of your horrible parenting
19d               
31
11
Isaac Disdain @I_Disdain
Yes, I'd like to order ALL of the sausage and egg mcmuffin meals you have please.
19d               
18
6
Carbosly @Carbosly
My signature move is saying "Oh my God, that's way to big" upon receiving my plate at the restaurant & then eating the whole thing.
19d               
54
19
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
We're having a fudge off.

Just in case anyone was questioning our commitment to gluttony Xx
19d               
68
3
Ghost Hellrising! @scotthellrising
I'd like to see a cooking show set in a shitty studio apartment instead of those majestic kitchens in French villas they're usually in.
19d               
23
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
"I can't wait to get pregnant and eat all kinds of stuff."

- women
19d               
8
jacquelin @viciousbabydoll
When I cannot feed upon your body I devour your words and sate my appetite with your love.
19d               
26
11
Lee @silent_musings
Eat enough fiber while waiting for better circumstances, this way something in your life will give a shit. Life doesn't wait for anyone.
19d               
281
117
Canadian Made @kimwilliamz
Some people will love you, some will hate you. Always have on clean underwear for that 1 who might save your life.
19d               
6
3
THE Goddess @eTHEgoddess
Discussing celebrity gossip is a great way to retain Fucktard status.
19d               
31
12
Eye'm With the Band @NowAPisces
Just had an early morning battle with plastic wrap.
19d               
10
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
You may ignore an alarm clock, but you can never ignore a cold dog nose in the middle of your back.
19d               
30
4
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Counting blessings is a big job for a small salary.
19d               
18
3
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Morning has broken....All over my head.
19d               
15
3
Skinnie Talls @SkinnieTalls
Look, I'm not above faking my own death to get publicity for a mixtape.
19d               
163
81
Madelene @MadAxes
How silly we behave when we're happy but how happy we are.
19d               
20
3
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
Did you guys know that Christ saves marriages? It’s true! I saw it on a men’s room wall.
19d               
4
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Sobriety has taught me something..

Being sober sucks.
20d               
28
9
Stacy @Stexcy
Being a cunt and having one has always worked for me.
20d               
19
8
KatieKay @WittySassBasket
Beach Day 2: Dragged out of ocean after a huge shark (fish) tried to kill me (touched my leg). Called Discovery to report Colossus sighting.
20d               
96
37
Steve Mieczkowski @IGotsSmarts
Just deleted over 300 drafts. You're welcome.
20d               
28
3
Tim @qwertying
You have a bent penis?

Who hurt you bro?
20d               
24
13
Tim @qwertying
Have you ever got that feeling you could watch bondage porn with both hands tied behind your back?
20d               
22
12
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
If the house mouse gives you a cookie, don't eat it.
20d               
10
2
Wile E. Quixote @ScottLinnen
My new teardrop tatt? It's a cinnamon-dusted pumpkin seed that I glue-gunned on. RESPECK!
20d               
60
7
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
20d               
294
135
~Cindy~ @CindyNoPants
I read all tweets with sarcasm cause that's how I talk.
20d               
42
9
Mr. Onederful @ericonederful
I started drinking before I realized I didn't have enough. Now I have to walk to buy booze like a homeless person.
20d               
27
4
Eric Martin @EricMarten
animals > humans
20d               
22
12
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Take time out of your week to fuck right off. You deserve it.
20d               
25
11
Brian @BDGarp
I hate when somebody steals a tweet that I hadn't even thought of yet.
20d               
119
26
Brian @BDGarp
Anxiety is the worst deodorant.
20d               
127
35
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
For some reason, women just don't find me attractive. Do you think it's because of my stuffed animals collections?
20d               
9
2
something something @SSquirm
My dog always pushes the bathroom door open when I'm in there like she is trying to tell me how it feels when I watch her outside.
20d               
8
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
“I hate drama.”

**Marries ex-con**
**Robs bank together**
**Gets shot**
20d               
2
Tom Magnum @DogLovesWine
Wow, sorry, am I meant to piss myself because you have a bike and a beard?

Come back when you have a bear and a yacht.

#cunts
20d               
4
2
Bourby McBourbon @bourbonmelikey
Think rockin' out last night to Olivia Newton-John's song Xanadu,wasn't one of my finer moments.Alcohol was involved,but that's no excuse.
20d               
33
4
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
Wonder when my upward spiral will begin.
20d               
7
1
Lee @silent_musings
Anyone can learn to be happy. It's learning that you deserve better in every fucking thing in your life that allows happiness to remain.
20d               
515
327
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
Just like a moose to bring antlers to a horn fight.
~ Squirrels talkin' moose smack probably.
20d               
11
3
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
If you think you have a bad job, imagine being the guy that has to remove all the hair clogs from the filter in Russell Brand's hot tub.
21d               
34
5
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
Someone told me today that my name sounds like "either a porn star or a really bad actor" like I couldn't be both.
21d               
5
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Together as a people, we must tear down vaginal walls.
21d               
12
2
Bourby McBourbon @bourbonmelikey
If you saw a white chick driving on the LA fwy this AM, popping her hips, & trying to dance, it was me, cuz, House of Pain's "Jump Around"!!
21d               
42
7
Brian @BDGarp
That moment you want him to kiss you, but instead he honks your nose.
21d               
126
24
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
I'm really disappointed in my idea of you.
21d               
16
4
Brian @BDGarp
There's no reason for any movie to be over two hours.
22d               
69
5
Bourby McBourbon @bourbonmelikey
@Jeeepsta ha! Any reference to the Beastie Boys in a tweet --is an automatic winner : )
22d in reply to Jeeepsta               
2
Brian @BDGarp
Sorry my cat threw up on your yoga pants.
23d               
63
2
Dough Boy @CynicalDoughBoy
Relationship Status: I just farted and no one yelled at me.
23d               
1
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
Donald Trump wakes at the crack of dawn and gazes out his window. “Can’t wait to be an enormous turd today,” he thinks.
23d               
65
13
Thefatguy @fatguythe
This salad needs a dead animal on it.
23d               
64
33
Tom Magnum @DogLovesWine
I miss the old days in Belfast.

#ArmyCrowdControl
23d               
2
Jimmer Cork-Bottle @JimmerThatisAll
I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
23d               
253
140
Brian @BDGarp
Sometimes you win, sometimes you live tweet award shows.
24d               
89
12
something something @SSquirm
If I don't shave my legs before getting a pedicure I have to tip more, right?
24d               
7
Sheila @1Happytwit
I'm always surprised by how seriously HR take their no biting policy.
25d               
300
123
Madelene @MadAxes
It's surprising how many are happy with their unhappiness
26d               
53
24
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
If you don't like Follow Friday tweets on a Saturday, I probably don't know what day it is.
26d               
32
9
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Watching the remake of "Herbie The Love Bug." Totally unrealistic. Lindsay Lohan has her top on.
26d               
29
6
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
Deleted scenes from a heist movie:
Robber: Give me all your money! The customer is always right.
26d               
27
6
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Disposable bodies with electric souls
26d               
32
6
n2o @1evilidiot
The driveway's empty but I have a large box of chicken nuggets. hope I didn't trade my car for them.
26d               
81
25
Foo Squared @manthing11
Today 1910, Japan formally annexed Korea. Japan wanted to rename it Jorea or Tiny Godzilla Land.
26d               
5
2
simon j brown @coffeepotsimon
i just want someone to feed me grapes while someone else pisses on me is that too much to ask
26d               
1
Eye'm With the Band @NowAPisces
I'm a Maxwell House guy in a Starbucks world.
26d               
26
5
veronaway2 @veronaway2
Judging by how the bathroom at the gym smells, I'm not sure "working your core" is such a good idea.
26d               
3
Fish @fish_vs_world
You've all muted me haven't you ?
Grrr I fucking knew it
26d               
9
4
Mz TQ @Mystique1975
Happy with the way things pan out. 2.44 am watching music videos with 2 cats. No man to belch or fart.
26d               
2
Amy Zesbaugh @amyzesbaugh
Thunderstorms! Based on all the downed tree limbs, Mother Nature decided to do the tree trimming herself.
26d               
6
Ron Mexico @Coastiefish
35mph speed limit signs can suck my dick.
26d               
29
3
Mara Wilson @MaraWritesStuff
It's never like "they should be easygoing, thoughtful, considerate" it's just "they should have a good personality"
26d in reply to MaraWritesStuff               
134
39
Notorious P.U.G. @LuvPug
I don't send nudes, but sometimes I like to show everyone how stupid I am by arguing with strangers on the Internet.
26d               
225
77
Friedrice Nietzsche @tinynietzsche
I knew a rothschild once. I would buy cocaine from him and every time a distant relative would die, he would re-up
26d               
28
6
Matthew Baldwin @matthewbaldwin
My parents' house is basically a bed and breakfast that accepts tech support as payment.
26d               
143
76
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