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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
BeerhazeMontreal, Canada2009-11-27
@Beerhaze1,769 days
I enjoy moccasins, beer, beaches in November, people with interesting skin disorders, beer and beer.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
17,2442,8504,8681,717248,721
We found 198 favorite tweets.
Brian @BDGarp
I think I'm starting to get closer to worrying about everything.
2d               
74
16
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
We're about to get a "Left Behind" film with Nicolas Cage. A Christmas gift for fans of bad movies?
2d               
8
1
Jedi Gigi @JediGigi
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel's so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
2d               
128
63
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
The world is real, we make it untrue.
2d               
22
Steve Mieczkowski @IGotsSmarts
I'm a Capricorn to my friends but a Cancer to my family.
2d               
25
4
Living Dread Girl @em2the_gee
Remember the last time you told her something she said actually meant something? She doesn't either.
2d               
22
9
Polythene Spam @BettyLies
I'd sacrifice a baby goat to get rid of this sinus infection, but not use a neti pot, because that's too fucking weird.
2d               
22
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969
Sarah McLachlan lands in Vietnam...

"I heard there were battered puppies here."

"You want one serving or two?"
2d               
151
83
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Thanks to Justin Bieber, Canada has finally found a legitimate excuse for making apologies.
2d               
86
32
Conspiracy Carrot @consprcy_carrot
Crunk means carrot drunk, right? *stumbles into traffic*
2d               
10
Brian @BDGarp
Give the silent treatment like you mean it, or don't give it at all.
3d               
88
21
Jane @LinajkReturns
Cleaned the shower with hallucinogen-causing chemicals right before I got in it.

Ask me how that worked out. C'mon, Shrek...ASK!
3d               
47
13
Brian @BDGarp
The Power of Eventually
3d               
86
37
Brian @BDGarp
You weren’t just any rebound. You were the BEST.
5d               
52
8
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
The stark simplicity of this tweet shocked the world into silence and stillness. For one numinous moment, we were globally at peace.
8d in reply to Drangula               
8
1
Jane @LinajkReturns
My recipe for disaster generally starts with a bottle of wine. Sometimes tequila. And a dash of poor judgement. Other ingredients vary...
8d               
19
2
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
Punctilious. Magnanimity. Infinitesimal. Archimedes. This Blackstone Audiobook reader can't pronounce any of them.
8d               
14
2
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
My left brain says, "That's funny"; my right brain is silent. My right brain laughs; my left brain says, "That's not funny."
9d               
7
Jane @LinajkReturns
Almost? Because it's really really difficult to blow a stop sign.
9d               
8
1
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
Changed my dish soap and now my plates smell like they were cleaned with baby wipes.
9d               
5
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
Salsa on my sweatshirt, corn chips in my hair.

That charm school was a great investment, huh?
9d               
5
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
True story:

I had to go see PULP FICTION at the cinema a second time, since my date and I made out through most of the first viewing.
9d               
5
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
Could it be...?

Is it possible...?

It is.

CAUGHT UP ON EMAILS!!
9d               
5
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
Crying releases stress hormones. Is the baby going to release stress hormones?
9d               
9
1
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
Hey, checkout-stand magazines, do you have any diet tips?
9d               
12
2
GRAVESTONE @WGladstone
Every crime is a hate crime if you don't understand legislation or what words mean.
9d               
40
15
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
Hey, family, I won some bread for you.
9d               
12
4
Madame Taco @scoccaro
Yes! St. Louis! Having two teams named the Cardinals in two sports is very confusing. They should really fix that.
9d               
2
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Friend called. It's corner bar time again. Yo.
See ya...
10d               
13
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
My family medical history leads with being a Browns fan.
10d               
24
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
Oh Christ...

Remind me again, when is the Super Bowl over?
10d               
3
Jane @LinajkReturns
Seriously...I don't wear a cowbell for aaaanybody.
10d               
11
Madame Taco @scoccaro
I think my fingers are a desirable length and width for flipping someone off. I think I have ideal hands for this.
10d               
2
Brian @BDGarp
Settle down, tennis shoe colors.
10d               
117
38
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I had to spend my birthday money on bills and now I need to kill someone.
10d               
79
16
Brian @BDGarp
Maybe I'm happy, maybe I'm hallucinating.
10d               
132
38
Brian @BDGarp
Philosophy is just asking a lot of questions until people get tired of talking to you.
10d               
161
47
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I'm sorry but I'm gonna be busy crossing lines today.
11d               
114
45
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
Tonight I forgot about a promise to a friend because of a boy.

Not cool.
11d               
47
2
Tom Compton @drivewaydranker
If you don't think Roger Goodell means business tell me why his business card now reads "Friend of Women & Children" ABOVE nfl commissioner?
11d               
3
donni @donni
Even hundreds of years from now, there will be people who try to cup their farts and throw them at you
11d               
104
17
Jane @LinajkReturns
Pocket knives with a corkscrew pull-out. Because who doesn't like cutting things while they're drinking?
12d               
65
37
GRAVESTONE @WGladstone
Can't believe it's almost Rosh Hashanah and my dealer is completely out of black tar heroin.
12d               
30
5
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
This summer was hottest since 1880, when naked ankles debuted as the height of risqué fashion.
12d               
22
1
donni @donni
Why would you even want to teach an old dog nude tricks, you perv
12d               
77
33
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
My wife and I have reached the point in our relationship where one of us is going to the grocery store every day.
12d               
44
1
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
Things I've recently learned
- my phone pocket dials an ex if I fall asleep on it.
- 6 am is a good time to finish a bottle of Jager
12d               
64
16
donni @donni
Over-identifying with Scotland like "It's OK, Scotland, I too know the fear of change that keeps me trapped in a less-than-ideal situation"
12d               
77
33
donni @donni
Scotland is definitely gonna tell England all the shit we talked when it looked like they were splitting up
12d               
48
12
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I will follow my dreams when they stop telling me I want fast food for breakfast.
13d               
84
19
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Technically, every poll regarding Scottish independence is an exit poll.
13d               
34
6
Brian @BDGarp
Told my doctor that having a life threatening illness was giving me anxiety. She said stop being a pussy.
14d               
72
10
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I WILL be sewing my new co-worker's mouth shut if she makes one more comment about how old I am.
14d               
75
19
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
I love fall. I can finally cook stuff in my oven again.
14d               
2
Beersuds @beersuds
I hate dancing shows but I'm watching Dancing With The Stars because Lea Thompson is in it. (She starred in Space Camp.)
15d               
5
Your Mom @None0fYourBiz
I always carry a pic of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the cop wants to check my license for awesome.
17d               
15
5
Kathy Slamen @hellophotokitty
procrastination is the most sincere form of laziness...
17d               
2
Carbosly @Carbosly
Saw a grandma texting, drinking & driving. She saw me looking & gave me the finger.

Pretty sure she was Twitter assuming its human form.
17d               
117
60
Your Mom @None0fYourBiz
"Tell them I have left & will be there any minute." ~ Delivery guys.
17d               
14
7
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
My plan of being naked all weekend has been delayed due to inclement weather.

Not cool Canada.
Not cool.

This only kinda makes sense.
17d               
64
9
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
They're organizing a Formula E (for electric) racing category here. I suppose pit stops will include poetry readings.
17d               
10
2
Tom Magnum @DogLovesWine
So, we go over to help these people and they kill aid workers and journalists.

Scum filth deserve a war.

TIME TO BOMB
17d               
6
Mike Schism @MikeSchism
I just realized I sound really racist when I speak in a mock Asian language.
18d               
14
1
Susan W @Maxine12333
here is the word 'to' I forgot in last tweet:( Place accordingly.
18d               
55
10
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
Women who pee on the loo seat...what the ever fucking fuck?!?!!
18d               
59
6
Traveller @cityrider49
Time for pumpkin spiced cow bell?
18d               
8
Heather B. Armstrong @dooce
5-yr-old: running around looking for the puppy purse that is slung across her body.

Me: Silent, taking puffs from an invisible cigarette.
18d               
76
13
chantelle @SassyChantelle
Met my first gluten free vegan today so I'm pretty much ready to leave this planet now
18d               
31
9
Tim @qwertying
I hate the way my dog watches us having sex.

*dog yawns*

It's like he's not even interested.
18d               
59
25
Mary Caliendo @2happyright
So to clarify...Window dressing does NOT mean getting dressed in front of the open picture window!!
18d               
17
3
A Murder Of Crows @TheWellOfSongs
The gift of tears.
18d               
19
8
Tim @qwertying
Anyone that buys lottery tickets is an idiot for wasting his money.

Unless of course you win, then you're my new best friend.
18d               
29
8
JerryThomas @JerryThomas
It's one of those days where I just want to flop around in a giant swimming pool full of Beanie Babies.
18d               
6
Nat @GermanFreckles
My showers are always long. Because, priorities.
18d               
107
50
Count Mackula @CountMackula
Remember all those 10000 years before antidepresseants where people were all "SHUT THE FUCK UP & SUCK IT UP LIKE THE REST OF US"

Good times
18d               
50
23
The Psycholyst @Psycholyst
Always remember that when you "never forget" something, you're only remembering what an extraterrestrial marketer implanted.
18d               
10
1
Rachelle Keller @PurpleCatJewels
Mmmm…crunchy peaches fresh-picked at the very peak of disappointment.
18d               
8
3
Monkey Butler @NowAPisces
I miss the Middle Ages when you could burn someone at the stake for disagreeing with your fantasy.
18d               
22
2
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Get the fuck out of my face with your 33% less sodium triscuits
18d               
121
27
Madame Taco @scoccaro
I read in National Geographic some shit about if your dogs tail lists one way while wagging it means something. I call bullshit.
18d               
2
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
My elevator footage is just a floor by floor slow motion account of my life slipping silently away from me.
18d               
13
4
Michèle @Boleyngirly
You know that person who always blames someone else for all their problems? Hey, how's it going. I'm that someone else.
18d               
53
22
TO33IE @thetobbie
FIVE tipsy, loud black guys including myself just spent a few seconds in an elevator with ONE white woman. That's it. That's the joke...
18d               
34
5
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Sometimes, what doesn't kill you makes you weaker. Like pneumonia, HIV, gangrene or being made small by a Koopa Troopa. :(
18d               
49
17
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Our 30th wedding anniversary tomorrow. My pharmacist wife will work the 3PM-to-midnight shift. She may bite only 2 or 3 customers.
18d               
20
3
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
The new Playstation NFL Football is so real, you're entire team will be suspended within the first 10 minutes.
18d               
124
69
J @junejuly12
Men are lazy

Women are crazy

Any questions
18d               
317
179
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Famous last words - "What does this lever do?"
18d               
40
12
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Believe it or not I don’t drink. I let people believe I do because, “I was drunk” sounds better than “I’m a fucking idiot.”
18d               
285
122
[Teresa] @Navy_Bean_Soup
Turning someone's world upside down by introducing them to Bad News Bears on a Saturday afternoon.
18d               
8
Bianca LaVagina @AnitaHelmet
I can't wait for a time when I won't care that my boobs are down to my gut, my gut hangs out of my pants, and my pants are around my ankles.
18d               
18
4
Erica @SCbchbum
Good rule of thumb for local bands: Don't cover songs by amazing artists if you suck.
18d               
93
15
Chase Roper @ChaseRoper
Dad at this bday party just introduced himself with an aggressively firm hand shake. OK YOU ARE THE SUPERIOR MALE!
18d               
1
Kiley @Freya80
About to blast some old (old) jazz records. Time to melt some wax...
18d               
2
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
@alanboiiz Son has a new hobby. Says: "New challenge. New pain in places I didn't know even existed": pic.twitter.com/dPpxUyEiwn
18d in reply to alanboiiz               
3
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
All I'd like is a cuddle. A long, all night, never-ending cuddle.
18d               
35
9
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
I love ironing. Burning archy shapes into everything is really therapeutic.
18d               
28
13
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
My pal @banjodrill made an amazing cartoon from one of my tweets! pic.twitter.com/oloIEoQpGu
18d               
27
3
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
At the nail salon, no one knows you're Hormonerra.
18d               
48
8
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
One minute that person wasn't anything more than a friendship and now you refer to them as your ex?
BS level...achieved.
18d               
11
4
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Like an echo, peace answers but does not show itself.
18d               
15
6
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
My elevator footage is me mouthing the words, what the fuck?
18d               
8
Denise! @Stellacopter
There's always one guy at the gym wearing a wig.
18d               
46
5
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
If you are feeling particularly indecisive, just order one assorted donut.
18d               
44
7
Soap Box Liberal @GPappalardo
Saudi Arabia has decided to help the fight against ISIS because they want to be the world leaders in beheading innocent people.
18d               
8
1
Canadian Made @kimwilliamz
Sometimes people say things they don't mean and then again sometimes what they say has no meaning.
18d               
11
1
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
What do you mean no DM's? Your avi says yes.
18d               
20
4
Stacy @Stexcy
I'm at my most creative when I'm told to go fuck myself.
18d               
13
2
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
Nobody goes to a public library. An overdue book smells like a toilet.
18d               
8
1
donni @donni
*sees a pretty girl and gets depressed*
18d               
127
32
Mason McCann @AhMcCann
So I guess the lesson from the Pistorius trial is it's also not murder to shoot an imaginary black man
18d               
4
6
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
A student pilot will automatically get a license after successfully landing on a Carrier air conditioner.
18d               
13
Tweeting Dad @TweetingDadGuy
You guys remember Hootie? I had a good Hootie tweet once.
18d               
34
9
The Guy @theguydf
If you had a bad week just be thankful that you're not the PR guy for the NFL.
18d               
45
35
Stacy @Stexcy
The NFL should market their team logos on wife-beater undershirts.
18d               
14
4
Bobby Boucher @MetricButtload
Always draw nipples on pictures of gorillas. Otherwise, people won’t take you seriously.
18d               
4
1
eleven elonen @DrWobstaCwaw
I get Taco Bell occasionally because sometimes I make too many good decisions in a row and I can't handle the pressure of a winning streak.
18d               
4
Linda in Disguise @LindaInDisguise
If your wife's been on Twitter long enough, you don't even blink when she asks "How do you spell hermaphrodite?"
18d               
22
3
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Maybe Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson are playing a really fucked up game of rich people truth or dare
18d               
134
65
Joe Bizness @theJoeBiz
Soaping one's own asshole is the pride and joy of being human
18d               
5
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
Weekend Twitter, you are so dead to me.
18d               
62
14
Kiley @Freya80
My mom sent Chloe and I gifts from her most recent trip/adventures. Umm she got Frank a Harley Davidson leather cap.
19d               
2
Becky Needs Caffeine @beckyiniowa
Pretty sure "social media expert" is just a fancier way of saying "unemployed attention whore".
19d               
48
17
Moron That @markste71128147
Sometimes humor is a mask. Like makeup covering scars.
19d               
27
8
Monkey Butler @NowAPisces
I don't care if you are frozen, I'm licking you, baby. - Me, talking to an Eskimo Pie.
19d               
16
2
Bianca LaVagina @AnitaHelmet
"So am I your alibi, or am I the reason you need an alibi?"

- Why my friends love me and their spouses hate me.
19d               
27
6
OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_
All it would take would be the Fire Brigade and the jaws of life to turn my car into a convertible.
Oh, and an accident.
Never mind.
19d               
16
5
Laet Oliveira @LaetPO
Reminder: Palins are spawning.
Be afwaid. Be vewy afwaid.
19d               
13
1
Mary Caliendo @2happyright
Middle of the afternoon smiles to yourself~ Be the one that causes that!
19d               
15
5
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Hey Bono, The Edge, Bartles and James or whatever the other guys names are, please get your album out of my music library. Thanks.
19d               
439
270
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
The worst part of living in Minnesota is ice fishing because it requires me to maintain my beach body year round.
19d               
42
2
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
Don't forget to post thinly veiled insults to people you don't even know today!
19d               
75
26
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
Dismantling reality, one drink at a time.
19d               
58
25
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
I saved a bundle on jeggings by not waxing my legs!
19d               
60
10
Sheila @1Happytwit
You'd be surprised how much wine you have to drink before HR deem you "unfit to work" and send you home.
19d               
308
137
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
"FUCK OFF, please." ~ Because manners are important.
19d               
37
4
Puddin Cuddle-Thug @PuddingBoobs
I want to be rich enough to kill someone and have no consequences.
19d               
134
39
Becky Needs Caffeine @beckyiniowa
Mercedes Benz is advertising a dashboard touch pad that reads your handwriting.
I can't even read my writing so I doubt any car could.
19d               
15
3
Peach Grenade @peachgrenade
I hate when someone yawns & it makes me yawn while we're having sex
19d               
53
7
Zalesman @zalesman
I've realized that I don't have much in common with most people my age. Talk about your work? I'd rather play Minecraft with your kids.
19d               
2
Mariana @dietredbull
my patience went out to get a pack of cigarettes
19d               
36
2
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
Someone I didn't know took her life last night.
The ripples of suicide reach far.

Breathe.
Do nothing.
But stay.
Just a moment more Xx
20d               
62
9
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I was a very bad girl yesterday and oh man, did it ever feel good.
20d               
98
22
Soap Box Liberal @GPappalardo
Yes, but this time we're bombing Iraq with their permission.
20d               
4
1
Mariana @dietredbull
Hugging a tree is great if you wanna make other trees jealous.
20d               
33
2
Becky Needs Caffeine @beckyiniowa
Wal-Mart.
The low prices you want, the self confidence boost you need.
21d               
37
16
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
New to Twitter?

1. Stars are free - use with abandon!

2. ReTweet if you wish you had said it yourself.

3. Kiss your fucking life goodbye!
21d               
235
107
Sheila @1Happytwit
I really don't know why this cop pulled me over to ask me where the fire is when I haven't even started one yet.
21d               
277
132
donni @donni
Probably just gonna have a traditional 9/11 ceremony at home this year
21d               
244
118
Denise! @Stellacopter
Prescription hugs. I'd abuse that shit.
22d               
196
76
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I refuse to allow my passion to fall asleep ever again.
23d               
97
30
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
I was sad when I had no FavStar 'til I met a man with no Twitter account.
24d               
83
15
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
Glass
Ice
Vodka

Combine all ingredients, stir, drink, go fuck yourself
24d               
58
13
Lone_Star @Carter_TCB
Recently invented a device that prevents unnecessary talking during sex. It fits right over her mouth.
24d               
50
15
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
"Points at Starbucks*
That's where the book store was.
That other Starbucks was a record store.
This one?
A smaller Starbucks.
24d               
55
13
Zachary? @GreenishDuck
Hi my name is Zach I'm 30 years old and I troll my parents by texting them links to songs I know they don't like.
24d               
42
4
JT @JTppMan
My heart is black, but my pp is small.
24d               
13
2
GOAT @goatwhore666
Your Twitter account isn't worth a bottle of goat jizz!
Calm down!
24d               
8
2
BananaCleveClub @cleve66
A dog that stays with you through the farts. That.
24d               
21
9
Jesus Jaramillo @jomartin26
Does that Farmers Only dating website accept people who illegally grow marijuana?
24d               
2
Kevin @UniBagger
I use my hot tub to simmer down.
24d               
1
Jess [ham] @thejessbess
*uses live lobster to clip my hair back*
24d               
193
66
jeffswarens @jeffswarens
She went into Jeans Warehouse 30 minutes ago. I'm starting to worry
24d               
11
Ben Siemon @BenjaminJS
Fosters: Australian for orphans.
24d               
8
Les @hiimles
Sure, let's jog on a pitch black bike path with no illumination. What could possibly go wrong?
25d               
10
Nope @jamitupin
Double the excitement by finding out you're old enough to be his mother.
25d               
119
54
Amy Zesbaugh @amyzesbaugh
Autocorrect changed "Scotland" to "ascot land." That sounds like one of the neighborhoods at Disneyland.
25d               
6
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
I don't care that it is wrong because it makes me feel alive again.
25d               
112
42
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
If you add a long hashtag to a tweet or Instagram pic, capitalize the first letter of each word. No one wants to work that hard at reading.
25d               
837
534
VirgoSherry @VirgoSherry
It's so cute how you think I should have your back when you've never had mine.
26d               
112
31
Sheila @1Happytwit
A co-worker said I was a bitch with a god complex. He’s going to be fucking sorry when I smite him.
26d               
336
133
Mariana @dietredbull
So gutted. Another one of our treasures gone. Thank you for all the laughter you brought to so many. RIP Joan Rivers
27d               
31
1
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
Eating the pouch of powdered cheese from a box of macaroni is probably only the 18th or 19th dumbest thing I've ever done.
31d               
32
7
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
I hope everyone is enjoying their last weekend before the madness of pumpkin spice season begins.
32d               
59
13
Bozwonk @lolwarlol
Anyone know what Cheryl Cole is doing these days? We never hear about her or see her or read about her diets and heartache.
32d               
6
1
M. Crow @mean_crow
so on my wedding invite it says 'Strictly no axes', that doesn't apply to me, right? Created specifically for me, okay, not even one axe?
32d               
73
27
GinRumMe @GinRumMe
Oh, the bidets of our lives.
32d               
19
2
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
WebMD says it's Adult Onset Apathy.
32d               
133
40
Lani @LaniBeno
9 hours at work today manual labouring to new office. Same again tomorrow. So in between, this bottle of gin is keeping me company. Cheers.
32d               
24
2
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Nothing says "I'm a credit risk" like that Kid Rock tattoo.
32d               
84
40
wile e. quixote @ScottLinnen
Take away Putin's precious upcoming World Cup and we won't be seeing any more Russians playing offsides.
32d               
44
5
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A SANDWICH MOM
32d               
19
6
Hippo Critt @iheartgunts
"Can't wait to lick your hole."--me, to this donut.
32d               
17
5
mehnidict @Slumber_Partay
The whole "I'm no hero, I'm just from lowly District 12" act is tiresome Katniss Everdeen - you are just as power-hungry as the rest of us.
32d               
13
Rachie @rachiecandice
I’m watching the Sons of Anarchy stage a crime scene knowing how Dexter would disprove it instantly and WHY DO ALL GOOD THINGS HAVE TO END?!
32d               
8
1
Tim @Playing_Dad
Selling a system you designed because you're kids were out of control is a great way to profit off of your horrible parenting
32d               
31
11
Isaac Disdain @I_Disdain
Yes, I'd like to order ALL of the sausage and egg mcmuffin meals you have please.
32d               
18
6
Carbosly @Carbosly
My signature move is saying "Oh my God, that's way to big" upon receiving my plate at the restaurant & then eating the whole thing.
32d               
52
19
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
We're having a fudge off.

Just in case anyone was questioning our commitment to gluttony Xx
32d               
67
3
Ghost Hellrising! @scotthellrising
I'd like to see a cooking show set in a shitty studio apartment instead of those majestic kitchens in French villas they're usually in.
32d               
23
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
"I can't wait to get pregnant and eat all kinds of stuff."

- women
32d               
8
jacquelin @viciousbabydoll
When I cannot feed upon your body I devour your words and sate my appetite with your love.
32d               
25
11
Lee @silent_musings
Eat enough fiber while waiting for better circumstances, this way something in your life will give a shit. Life doesn't wait for anyone.
32d               
295
120
Canadian Made @kimwilliamz
Some people will love you, some will hate you. Always have on clean underwear for that 1 who might save your life.
32d               
6
3
THE Goddess @eTHEgoddess
Discussing celebrity gossip is a great way to retain Fucktard status.
32d               
31
12
Monkey Butler @NowAPisces
Just had an early morning battle with plastic wrap.
32d               
10
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
You may ignore an alarm clock, but you can never ignore a cold dog nose in the middle of your back.
32d               
32
4
Craving @calluptome
Counting blessings is a big job for a small salary.
32d               
18
3
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