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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
BeerhazeMontreal, Canada2009-11-27
@Beerhaze1,739 days
I enjoy moccasins, beer, beaches in November, people with interesting skin disorders, beer and beer.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
17,6363,7894,8361,729249,340
We found 200 favorite tweets.
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
Eating the pouch of powdered cheese from a box of macaroni is probably only the 18th or 19th dumbest thing I've ever done.
1d               
22
7
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
I hope everyone is enjoying their last weekend before the madness of pumpkin spice season begins.
1d               
45
13
Bozwonk @lolwarlol
Anyone know what Cheryl Cole is doing these days? We never hear about her or see her or read about her diets and heartache.
1d               
6
1
M. Crow @mean_crow
so on my wedding invite it says 'Strictly no axes', that doesn't apply to me, right? Created specifically for me, okay, not even one axe?
1d               
73
26
GinRumMe @GinRumMe
Oh, the bidets of our lives.
1d               
16
2
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
WebMD says it's Adult Onset Apathy.
1d               
45
9
Lani @LaniBeno
9 hours at work today manual labouring to new office. Same again tomorrow. So in between, this bottle of gin is keeping me company. Cheers.
1d               
16
2
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Nothing says "I'm a credit risk" like that Kid Rock tattoo.
1d               
53
20
Wile E. Quixote @ScottLinnen
Take away Putin's precious upcoming World Cup and we won't be seeing any more Russians playing offsides.
1d               
41
4
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A SANDWICH MOM
1d               
20
6
Cock McPuffins @iheartgunts
"Can't wait to lick your hole."--me, to this donut.
1d               
16
5
legs mehnidict @Slumber_Partay
The whole "I'm no hero, I'm just from lowly District 12" act is tiresome Katniss Everdeen - you are just as power-hungry as the rest of us.
1d               
11
Rachie @rachiecandice
I’m watching the Sons of Anarchy stage a crime scene knowing how Dexter would disprove it instantly and WHY DO ALL GOOD THINGS HAVE TO END?!
1d               
7
1
Tim @Playing_Dad
Selling a system you designed because you're kids were out of control is a great way to profit off of your horrible parenting
1d               
31
11
Isaac Disdain @I_Disdain
Yes, I'd like to order ALL of the sausage and egg mcmuffin meals you have please.
1d               
17
4
Carbosly @Carbosly
My signature move is saying "Oh my God, that's way to big" upon receiving my plate at the restaurant & then eating the whole thing.
1d               
51
18
Tink, the Duchess @Tinkerbell_
We're having a fudge off.

Just in case anyone was questioning our commitment to gluttony Xx
1d               
44
Scott Hellrising! @scotthellrising
I'd like to see a cooking show set in a shitty studio apartment instead of those majestic kitchens in French villas they're usually in.
1d               
16
1
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
"I can't wait to get pregnant and eat all kinds of stuff."

- women
1d               
6
jacquelin @viciousbabydoll
When I cannot feed upon your body I devour your words and sate my appetite with your love.
1d               
15
4
Lee @silent_musings
Eat enough fiber while waiting for better circumstances, this way something in your life will give a shit. Life doesn't wait for anyone.
1d               
138
55
Canadian Made @kimwilliamz
Some people will love you, some will hate you. Always have on clean underwear for that 1 who might save your life.
1d               
6
3
THE Goddess @eTHEgoddess
Discussing celebrity gossip is a great way to retain Fucktard status.
1d               
27
10
Morty's Moment @NowAPisces
Just had an early morning battle with plastic wrap.
1d               
10
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
You may ignore an alarm clock, but you can never ignore a cold dog nose in the middle of your back.
1d               
14
1
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Counting blessings is a big job for a small salary.
1d               
18
3
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Morning has broken....All over my head.
1d               
14
3
Skinnie Talls @SkinnieTalls
Look, I'm not above faking my own death to get publicity for a mixtape.
2d               
125
62
Madelene @MadAxes
How silly we behave when we're happy but how happy we are.
2d               
14
2
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
Did you guys know that Christ saves marriages? It’s true! I saw it on a men’s room wall.
2d               
4
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Sobriety has taught me something..

Being sober sucks.
2d               
30
9
Wile E. Quixote @ScottLinnen
I'm all for boots on the ground. AirDrop Jimmy Choo 10-inch stilettos. Let's see the Neanderthals sashay across the desert in those puppies.
2d               
54
12
Stacy @Stexcy
Being a cunt and having one has always worked for me.
2d               
12
5
KatieKay @WittySassBasket
Beach Day 2: Dragged out of ocean after a huge shark (fish) tried to kill me (touched my leg). Called Discovery to report Colossus sighting.
2d               
38
9
Steve Mieczkowski @IGotsSmarts
Just deleted over 300 drafts. You're welcome.
2d               
27
3
Tim @qwertying
You have a bent penis?

Who hurt you bro?
2d               
24
13
Tim @qwertying
Have you ever got that feeling you could watch bondage porn with both hands tied behind your back?
2d               
22
12
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
If the house mouse gives you a cookie, don't eat it.
2d               
10
2
Wile E. Quixote @ScottLinnen
My new teardrop tatt? It's a cinnamon-dusted pumpkin seed that I glue-gunned on. RESPECK!
2d               
56
8
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
2d               
203
86
~Cindy~ @CindyNoPants
I read all tweets with sarcasm cause that's how I talk.
2d               
35
8
Mr. Onederful @ericonederful
I started drinking before I realized I didn't have enough. Now I have to walk to buy booze like a homeless person.
2d               
26
4
Eric Martin @EricMarten
animals > humans
2d               
22
12
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Take time out of your week to fuck right off. You deserve it.
2d               
27
11
Brian @BDGarp
I hate when somebody steals a tweet that I hadn't even thought of yet.
2d               
70
12
Brian @BDGarp
Anxiety is the worst deodorant.
2d               
93
32
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
For some reason, women just don't find me attractive. Do you think it's because of my stuffed animals collections?
2d               
8
2
something something @SSquirm
My dog always pushes the bathroom door open when I'm in there like she is trying to tell me how it feels when I watch her outside.
2d               
4
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
“I hate drama.”

**Marries ex-con**
**Robs bank together**
**Gets shot**
2d               
2
Tom Magnum @DogLovesWine
Wow, sorry, am I meant to piss myself because you have a bike and a beard?

Come back when you have a bear and a yacht.

#cunts
2d               
1
1
Bourby McBourbon @bourbonmelikey
Think rockin' out last night to Olivia Newton-John's song Xanadu,wasn't one of my finer moments.Alcohol was involved,but that's no excuse.
2d               
15
1
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
Wonder when my upward spiral will begin.
2d               
5
1
Lee @silent_musings
Anyone can learn to be happy. It's learning that you deserve better in every fucking thing in your life that allows happiness to remain.
2d               
309
185
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
Just like a moose to bring antlers to a horn fight.
~ Squirrels talkin' moose smack probably.
3d               
10
3
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
If you think you have a bad job, imagine being the guy that has to remove all the hair clogs from the filter in Russell Brand's hot tub.
3d               
24
2
nativeminnow @nativeminnow
Someone told me today that my name sounds like "either a porn star or a really bad actor" like I couldn't be both.
3d               
5
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Together as a people, we must tear down vaginal walls.
3d               
12
2
Bourby McBourbon @bourbonmelikey
If you saw a white chick driving on the LA fwy this AM, popping her hips, & trying to dance, it was me, cuz, House of Pain's "Jump Around"!!
3d               
19
3
Brian @BDGarp
That moment you want him to kiss you, but instead he honks your nose.
3d               
98
19
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
I'm really disappointed in my idea of you.
4d               
16
4
Brian @BDGarp
There's no reason for any movie to be over two hours.
4d               
51
3
Bourby McBourbon @bourbonmelikey
@Jeeepsta ha! Any reference to the Beastie Boys in a tweet --is an automatic winner : )
4d in reply to Jeeepsta               
2
Brian @BDGarp
Sorry my cat threw up on your yoga pants.
5d               
52
2
Dough Boy @CynicalDoughBoy
Relationship Status: I just farted and no one yelled at me.
5d               
1
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
Donald Trump wakes at the crack of dawn and gazes out his window. “Can’t wait to be an enormous turd today,” he thinks.
5d               
63
13
Thefatguy @fatguythe
This salad needs a dead animal on it.
5d               
64
34
Tom Magnum @DogLovesWine
I miss the old days in Belfast.

#ArmyCrowdControl
5d               
2
Jimmer Cork-Bottle @JimmerThatisAll
I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
5d               
213
119
Brian @BDGarp
Sometimes you win, sometimes you live tweet award shows.
6d               
77
9
something something @SSquirm
If I don't shave my legs before getting a pedicure I have to tip more, right?
6d               
6
Madelene @MadAxes
It's surprising how many are happy with their unhappiness
8d               
49
22
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
If you don't like Follow Friday tweets on a Saturday, I probably don't know what day it is.
8d               
32
9
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Watching the remake of "Herbie The Love Bug." Totally unrealistic. Lindsay Lohan has her top on.
8d               
29
6
T Wayne 1010 @twayne1010
Deleted scenes from a heist movie:
Robber: Give me all your money! The customer is always right.
8d               
27
6
PaperWash© @PaperWash
Bears get to nap for 3 months, eat salmon and maul people to death. They have the most badass existence of all the creatures.
8d               
142
56
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Disposable bodies with electric souls
8d               
32
6
n2o @1evilidiot
The driveway's empty but I have a large box of chicken nuggets. hope I didn't trade my car for them.
8d               
81
25
Foo Squared @manthing11
Today 1910, Japan formally annexed Korea. Japan wanted to rename it Jorea or Tiny Godzilla Land.
8d               
5
2
simon j brown @coffeepotsimon
i just want someone to feed me grapes while someone else pisses on me is that too much to ask
8d               
1
Morty's Moment @NowAPisces
I'm a Maxwell House guy in a Starbucks world.
8d               
27
5
veronaway2 @veronaway2
Judging by how the bathroom at the gym smells, I'm not sure "working your core" is such a good idea.
8d               
3
Fish @fish_vs_world
You've all muted me haven't you ?
Grrr I fucking knew it
8d               
9
4
Mz TQ @Mystique1975
Happy with the way things pan out. 2.44 am watching music videos with 2 cats. No man to belch or fart.
8d               
1
Amy Zesbaugh @amyzesbaugh
Thunderstorms! Based on all the downed tree limbs, Mother Nature decided to do the tree trimming herself.
8d               
6
Ron Mexico @Coastiefish
35mph speed limit signs can suck my dick.
8d               
29
3
Mara Wilson @MaraWritesStuff
It's never like "they should be easygoing, thoughtful, considerate" it's just "they should have a good personality"
8d in reply to MaraWritesStuff               
134
40
Pugaboo Gangsta @LuvPug
I don't send nudes, but sometimes I like to show everyone how stupid I am by arguing with strangers on the Internet.
8d               
230
77
Friedrice Nietzsche @tinynietzsche
I knew a rothschild once. I would buy cocaine from him and every time a distant relative would die, he would re-up
8d               
28
6
Matthew Baldwin @matthewbaldwin
My parents' house is basically a bed and breakfast that accepts tech support as payment.
8d               
136
74
Kirsten's Desk @KirstensDesk
ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF EARTH:

When you pee on the seat and don’t bother to wipe up, the alien overlords win.
8d               
6
C'est la vie @Robert_Beau
It's a flurry of activity here in the Walmart parking lot where I'am giving free breast exams in a lab coat with a photocopy machine.
8d               
100
41
Peach Grenade @peachgrenade
When you cut an onion it releases a compound that makes your eyes water giving the onion enough time to make its escape.
8d               
102
57
Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
Someone followed me just to send me a dm letting me know why they won't follow me.
I think she wins Twitter.
8d               
25
3
Kel Focker @KelFocker
I didn't say you were a cunt. I said you ARE a cunt.
8d               
10
Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet
My ex likes to say he 'dodged a bullet' by not proposing to me, but I maintain that the scar on his chest tells a different story.
8d               
34
15
Jameson Seven @JamesonN7
You're cute in a I never want to see you again after we fuck kinda way
8d               
34
15
Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch
I wear skirts to help blow out the cobwebs.
8d               
46
7
Maggie Pettit @meganshpettit
What if your BM looked just like a kitten? Could you still flush it? Really makes you think.
8d               
13
1
Briar Sly Madness @BriarSlyMadness
Some men don't notice their women until other men do...

...it's a fucking shame really.
8d               
467
286
Anne Franksandbeans @finkelsteino
Whoever has been anonymously rating me as a restaurant, on Yelp, I really don't think "a veritable sea of farts" is an accurate description.
8d               
29
7
Jameson Seven @JamesonN7
<-----has taken credit for the earth moving moving during sex during an earthquake
8d               
27
7
Envy Da Tropic @envydatropic
Depression is caused by decaf coffee
9d               
320
198
Joses @JosesLovesYou
Just saw a wolf jogging along the river valley. Headphones and everything, ran on the spot before crossing the road.
9d               
20
7
Junkyard Poet @junkyardigan
When the small things matter, they are no longer small.
9d               
123
63
donni @donni
What you think I rap for, to own a fucking hat store?
*signs haberdashery lease*
Good call
9d               
36
5
Asshole God @Asshole_God
#BE #MORE #CONSERVATIVE #RIGHT #NOW
9d               
6
1
Asshole God @Asshole_God
I just spilled my seed and I wasn't even watching transexual porn. #Gentleman
9d               
5
1
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Beer and boobs are just God's way saying 'sorry you had a bad day at work'.
9d               
62
27
C'est la vie @Robert_Beau
My dick does all it's own stunts.
9d               
60
28
Tim @qwertying
I’d always love a good joke.

That how I started my wedding vows and sign my divorce papers.
9d               
28
7
John M @John_M15
Thank you FXX, but I think I had forgotten just how good the old Simpsons episodes actually are.
9d               
6
Somer Canon @SomerM
Watching the husband play Guirar Hero.
"Your fingers are so dexterous with buttons. Only buttons."
"You're messing up my score! Shut up!"
9d               
22
4
Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
The bugs are really loud. It's pretty dark. My beer tastes like deet.
*shotguns marshmallows*
This must be what celebrity fat camp's like.
9d               
11
3
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
If you live in the Midwest and don't have air conditioning this weather is god's way of telling you it's time for you to help thin the herd.
9d               
43
9
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
The Bears look like they've successfully made the transformation from one dimensional to zero dimensional.
9d               
20
2
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
If you're trying to watch reruns of CSI Miami & the person you've chosen to spend your life with say, "Look, it's H", it's ok to punch her.
9d               
15
Mary Caliendo @2happyright
I wish my Friday's were as frisky as some of yours!!
9d               
14
2
Dirty Dishtowels @dirtydishtowels
*gets cheaters and by cheaters I mean glasses to enable up close vision.
9d               
5
Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
Get off my back.
I am a koman fundraiser.
I buy shoes for fucking orphans.
I donate my hair to locks of love.
I'm here to laugh not debate
9d               
8
Junkyard Poet @junkyardigan
I wish I could shoot my feelings in the fucking face.
9d               
141
93
Asshole God @Asshole_God
@BoozeAndGuns pic.twitter.com/Kj9hjcvyqD
9d in reply to BoozeAndGuns               
6
1
Junkyard Poet @junkyardigan
Lingerie always looks better on the floor.
9d               
154
79
helen @4shizupthespout
When little hands me his play phone & I talk into it like someone's on the other end, he looks at me like I'm an asshole. #dontlietome
9d               
7
2
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
I definitely get 85% of my terrible anxiety from my parents and 15% from the cheesestick I ate at 3AM last night.
9d               
14
2
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Just listened to audio of Floyd Mayweather trying to read, I'd think I'd be more comfortable listening to audio of my parents fucking.
9d               
409
206
Peach Grenade @peachgrenade
So mad at my RealDoll because I came home early & she was blowing my brother
9d               
42
7
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
I'm sorry I have to go home now I just came down with a serious case of fuck this shit.
9d               
84
24
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
Greenwich Mean time is just regular Greenwich time before coffee.
9d               
76
25
John M @John_M15
Should have gone with my instincts & done a Ryan Seacrest tweet. Since a bad Ryan Seacrest tweet beats a good Janet Yellen one anyday.
9d               
4
Morty's Moment @NowAPisces
"I think we might be short a few fucks." - What I say when begging for sex.
9d               
15
1
Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
Your new bedroom curtains have made me a better person.
9d               
14
1
Chez McCorvey @CelebrityChez
Whenever I need help finding the g spot, I use a thigh map.
9d               
24
1
Maester Craving. @calluptome
Is it feed a cold, starve a fever, tire iron to the front or back of the knees?
9d               
43
8
Sly @slyoung5
An important quality in a partner is their ability to make you hungry for life......and then having the ability to feed that hunger.
9d               
131
76
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
"Quit following us!" - Dreams
9d               
49
10
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
A sign at the side of the road read,
"Fatigue kills"
I hope they catch that guy.
9d               
18
6
Lee @silent_musings
If you stop bitching about your life and gossiping about how others live theirs, you just might learn to have some dignity.
9d               
413
218
Dean @DeanOkay
If you name your daughter Beatrice you may as well buy her a cat for her 1st birthday
9d               
38
16
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I mentioned having trouble sleeping to my mom, but thankfully she reassured me it's only because I'm an asshole who writes filth. Awwww....
10d               
409
71
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
I don't want to say you F'cked up but,
I swear I just heard a shit load of worms
slither closer to the lid of that can...
10d               
10
donni @donni
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the crawl space
10d               
50
11
Peach Grenade @peachgrenade
Zebras have tribal tattoos but I bet they're bummed they can't wear TapouT shirts
10d               
46
9
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
The scariest thing about me as that I'm the product of a happy childhood.
10d               
579
278
Dean @DeanOkay
Plot twist: you're the hot single in your area.
11d               
95
75
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Mo'ne Davis intimidates me. #LittleLeagueWorldSeries
11d               
213
70
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I don't multi-task well enough to ever have a 3-way.
11d               
387
114
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I wonder if the parents on Facebook know how many pedophiles are enjoying watching their kids dump buckets of water on their heads.
11d               
223
134
Junkyard Poet @junkyardigan
I'm on a pilgrimage from my couch to the liquor store.
11d               
123
58
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
If Lou Gehrig were alive today to watch endless videos of sheeple dumping ice water on themselves I think he'd agree he's in a better place.
11d               
65
23
❤️ Genevieve™ @Genevieve0404
Life is like a box of chocolates ...
left on the radiator to melt.
11d               
20
11
something something @SSquirm
If you don't like to watch me pee get out of my swimming pool.
12d               
5
Dean @DeanOkay
Relationship status: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
12d               
39
13
Christopher Sherk @TheIronSherk
Paperwash? More like Paper Mâché AMIRITE?!?
15d               
36
3
Amy Zesbaugh @amyzesbaugh
My kid is at a Boy Scouts ceremony called the Ordeal. Rumor is he won’t be allowed to talk for most of the weekend, so that’s a good name.
15d               
10
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
Amazing how Duane Chapman finds the time to be both Dog the Bounty Hunter and a Thundercat.
15d               
55
12
C'est la vie @Robert_Beau
History Fun: Marco Polo never attended pool parties.
15d               
111
62
Christopher Sherk @TheIronSherk
While some of you are out shopping for back to school supplies, I'm reminding myself that I need to pick up a new electric kazoo.
15d               
50
14
Jamie Tighe @thejamietighe
Self taught in grammar; and arrow, placement. --->
15d               
16
4
Cass @Cassfullofjoy
All you need to make epic fart noises is a bendy straw and your armpit. Nephews are awesome.
15d               
12
1
Ruff @ruffyoung
Life is not always the state of being very annoyed or upset. Fill yourself with more pleasantness.
15d               
148
124
headstrong_girl @headstrong_girl
Sex is my favorite activity to participate in when I'm awake.
15d               
33
7
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
So far, my All Non-Felony NFL football team is a punter from Venezuela.
15d               
25
6
Duey Oxberger @JTQuest
There's no discernment what's laid to waste in chaos and the debt is borne by whomever those who take charge of the reconstruction choose.
15d               
21
5
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
I'm finding very little upside in being America's sweetheart.
15d               
70
19
Moron That @markste71128147
I shook hands with Dick, the pleasure was all mine.
15d               
20
4
Carrie @TheCareBare
It's a rainy day might as well spend it inside someone.
15d               
74
29
Shane @shanethevein
I've been here long enough to know I shouldn't be here.
15d               
138
67
Tim @Playing_Dad
Got a wonderful deal at this moving sale on this family's ruined hopes and dreams
15d               
27
5
Brian @BDGarp
Life is like a box of annoying little people.
15d               
230
97
SAL @gmossii
I put blinders on my nipples so they don't get distracted when I run.
15d               
14
3
Amy Zesbaugh @amyzesbaugh
Glad you didn’t see what I did to that avocado pit.
15d               
9
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
I never want to nap more than when someone is about to arrive.
15d               
165
58
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
On Twitter

...the quickest way to a man's heart is through the shoulder blades.
15d               
42
8
Michèle @Boleyngirly
"You're wearing that?" were his last words before the fatal shaving incident.
15d               
38
10
JustTheGuyInShades™® @schumyxxx
People who don’t get restless leg syndrome, yes, it is a legit syndrome.
15d               
17
2
C'est la vie @Robert_Beau
Damn, a political rant, I've become my Dad. Now back to regularly scheduled dick jokes.
15d               
68
31
Jamie Tighe @thejamietighe
Bae caught me sleeping.

Officer Marcus Bae, I was driving at the time.
15d               
6
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
If someone asks if you are in line say, "Aren't we all in line? Isn't life one big line?" And then start eating your coupons.
15d               
137
35
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
I only have 19 more free articles from the Valdosta Daily News this month and I just don't know how I'm going to make it to September
15d               
19
Lee @silent_musings
Don't get pissed when someone doesn't want to get to know you just quite yet. Maybe they are getting to know themselves first.
15d               
537
300
Scott Hellrising! @scotthellrising
I bet I get as many texts per day as Jay-Z.
16d               
19
4
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
We just saw a ton of fire trucks at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas. We're assuming some Chad immolated himself with Axe Body Spray.
16d               
33
2
Brian @BDGarp
I wish I knew what I was thinking about.
16d               
97
30
Brian @BDGarp
True wisdom comes from listening and not to your own opinion.
17d               
131
43
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
With great power comes great donuts.
17d               
51
15
Madelene @MadAxes
What if we just try to make each other better...
18d               
53
16
Mick Farrell @StumpWoodley
I'm just like Cool Hand Luke if you pretend these M&Ms are eggs and my recliner is prison.
18d               
35
7
Scott Hellrising! @scotthellrising
Say stuff that embarrasses your teen. It's good for them. Like "your head is too big" or "your head is too small" Teens are head-sensitive.
19d               
37
5
TO33IE @thetobbie
How many war films is Brad Pitt going to be in? I mean, a lot of folks can't even be in one real war...
19d               
50
8
Cookie's Eye Candy @sfreeze6
I'm sorry I made 80's space laser noises as I ejaculated last night.
19d               
192
78
PaperWash© @PaperWash
What idiot called it suicide and not self check out?
19d               
95
31
Major McNipples @mikeym00n
I watched some girls dump water on themselves and it raised my awareness of erectile dysfunction.
19d               
40
7
Hunter Steele @FatherWithTwins
4yo: *drinks milk, spills on shirt
Me: Seems like you have a "drinking problem"
Me: *laughs
Me: That's from a movie
4yo: I don't like movies
19d               
60
23
Major McNipples @mikeym00n
I don't just suffer from depression. Depression suffers from me.
19d               
15
Michèle @Boleyngirly
If you let all the compliments go to your head, they'll hang out there and stir up trouble.
19d               
55
22
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
As a Minnesotan, if you really want to earn my donation by dumping a bucket of ice water on your head, try doing it in January.
19d               
30
village fetish @botandy
text received on phone: "yr DNA combination has been patented by BioReg Inc. bank details for yr monthly licensing fee payments to follow"
19d               
35
2
village fetish @botandy
bradley cooper wearing a gerald butler mask embracing gerald butler wearing a bradley cooper mask
20d               
24
5
village fetish @botandy
origami president can be reshaped depending on the circumstance
20d               
31
5
Eddie Alfano @EddieAlfano
Just ONCE can the women caught in sex scandals with teenage boys NOT be hot?!?!

It'd make me feel better about my shitty high school days.
20d               
6
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