We found 184 favorite tweets.
Fun Fact: Steve Martin was born looking exactly like a middle-aged man.
Same with Anderson Cooper.
Today's Word of the day comes from Compendium - a publication containing a variety of works
Last nights 🚶💀 episode was amazing!
Learn from other people's mistakes - take the negatives from others and turn into positives for your company.
Tomorrow Is Monday Tho..,
they have a new coffee table.
Remember when Walter White died? When we all screamed at the tv? That's what The Walking Dead just did to me.
Tried. True. Battle Tested. Stable. Certain. Whatever you can apply these terms to on any particular day; it's pretty special.
Maybe it's time to take that Romney/Ryan bumper sticker off of your minivan.
I'd rather try to stick my dick into a pencil sharpener than go shopping on Black Friday.
Who posting ugly plate pics this weekend 😩
when girls call their boyfriends daddy
Severe weather is making travel impossible, meaning millions of people may actually enjoy Thanksgiving.
Every guy in the NFL with dreads looks like Predator
I imagine the first Thanksgiving was rather hectic, what with having to invent football right after a big meal.
It would be a lot better if it were about the future.
They should change the name of the "History" channel to "white trash people who pick garbage, buy garbage, and love garbage."
All my relationships end up with me giving her the *D.
These English muffin pizzas taste like my next paycheck is still a week away.
I brought home a turkey to make dinner & sandwiches, but it's got no idea how to cook and keeps shitting all over my kitchen.
:: I went on a 3am shoppers craze on amazon last night smh
My superpower is looking interested in what you have to say but not hearing a fucking thing.
I don't believe in gay people.
Well believe it, Mom, because theres your son, sitting there, being gay. Anyhoo, can someone pass the gravy?
Zac throughout the years...
Twitter is proof to myself that good people still exist. All you have to do is ignore the rest.
Before kids I used to fuck on the couch because I couldn't wait for his dick... Now it's just cause I'm to lazy to move to the bed
I'm at the age where dramatic behaviour to get my attention bores the fuck out of me
Figuring out what to wear literally is the most stressful part of going out 😩
Today feels like a five tequila lunch type of day.
I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.
officer booty laying down the law
<----Still cries at the end of E.T. the extra terrestrial.
You such a business savvy person who knows everything then why tf you working for someone else
When Tyga said "She want a yellow nigga corn on the cob" that's when I knew anybody can become a rapper 🌽..🎤💂
Life doesn't have a remote; get up and change it yourself.
Fuck you, man.
Music began and ended with Careless Whisper.
Im in love with young Leo
*Googles proper answer for every question on application
I'm starting to think that a good night's sleep is an urban legend.
Defund & Replace It With…?
No Thx. I'm With THIS GUY -->
RT : Guess we all jus gon die
OK... There is this guy who has a collage of pictures of me in uniform and he posting it on Facebook. I don't even know the person.
Leonardo DiCaprio was the PERFECT man
What does George Zimmerman’s now-abused pregnant girlfriend know about him now, that she couldn’t have read in a newspaper?
No baby is ugly.
~People with ugly babies
Twitter is basically one massive family that are all watching tv together
If George Zimmerman's abused girlfriend had shot him in self-defense, she would have gone to prison. ;)
Sometimes I wish KARMA was like pizza and could be delivered in 30 min or less....
HOW IS GEORGE ZIMMERMAN GETTING GIRLFRIENDS? WTF
2 handfuls RT ": Handful "
In my defense it's pretty hard to tell the difference between a sick co-worker and a zombie.
Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but I'm extremely limited as to what I'm allowed to say next.
My son is 'I'm now not touching the socks on his floor' years old.
“: The very last page of the Breaking Bad finale's screenplay [Spoilers] ”
One of my fondest childhood memories is not being overweight.
Hey molecule, do you ever wonder if you matter.
I wonder if they mean orally ingested, vaginal suppository or just shot directly on the face?
Lol hey shit that's how we do “: ": 😇😈 "”
The sex-swing in my bedroom is just another apparatus covered with clothes and forgotten dreams.
My boss thinks we waste too much time having staff meetings so now we are having a staff meeting to discuss it.
Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shovelling your walk while it's still snowing.
Ikr, I had to remind myself he was evil
Mad respect for you being able to do the show during a difficult time. Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, everyone! Your kind words are so wonderful & has been amazing. I’m doing Talking Dead tonight. It’s a nice distraction.
"George Bush is President (Twice)" - "Sure, Ok"
"Ben Affleck is Batman" - "WHAT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT LET'S COMPLAIN AND KILL EVERYONE!!!!"
Dude's shouldn't be allowed to get any kind of implants............... as far as I'm concerned...
Giving shelter in the rain - Nara Park, Japan.
This shaped my entire childhood.
*Eating fries in public: One fry at a time because that’s how civilized people eat... *Eating fries alone*: 25 AT A TIME!! OM NOM NOM!!
You know you are bored when you click the discover tap on twitter.
My thoughts are with you Chris.
I'm not gonna Tweet tonight so I don't look lame and am sitting at home on a Saturday night complaining on Twitter about not having a life.
My favorite Disney princess? Ariel, because once I catch her she can’t run away.
Whenever niggas don't understand Art, they call it Devil Worshipping.....
right nxt to the lawn mower. Riiight😒
Went to a tattoo party & this dude was doin tatts in the garage. Thts the equivalent of doin major surgery in a kitchen.
My dad was my favorite podcast guest. He was amazingly open and it brought us closer. I'm so thankful I have this:
It destroys me to say that my dad died suddenly this morning. I miss him. Hug your family. They’re what’s most important.
I wish I loved anything as much as I hate people.
Burned a lavender candle downstairs and now my daughter thinks a grandma is haunting our basement.
Kawasan Falls, Philippines
My mall would have liquor stores with unlimited wine tastings, shoe stores and 24 hour free daycare.
“: “: Seoul, Korea ” Love this city Been twice before & would happily go again!" Jhezee mad view
This should be waiting for me every time I come home
Ronald Reagan on assault rifles.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing
Poking myself in the eye is less painful then this phone conversation with my mother
The fan in my living room doesn't have a remote so I get it single moms.
I am a white straight (cis) male. I won't apologize for this. Nor should you feel a need to apologize for being what you were born as
You misunderstood me not because I wasn't clear, but because you chose to foolishly misinterpret what I said.
Bathroom selfie. James Bathroom selfie.
If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Based on TV commercials it would appear that one of the undesirable side-effects of a hair transplant is an overly-active lifestyle.
We can't keep people from having bad of us but we can keep them from being right.
Instead of getting married
I'm just gonna find a woman that hates me and give her a house
Life is a piñata full of spiders.
We're all being judged by someone who isn't even close to having their own shit together!
You're all drama, and no queen.
Basically sums up the episode...
I swear each time theres a new episode of i shut out the world till its completely over
Where's a beer when I need one. This episode has exhausted the mess out of me
The bible doesn't say anything about running over people in my Cadillac being a sin.
The thing with standards is that they sometimes get in the way of a damn good time...
Someone with 3 followers just retweeted me but didn't follow me. Where do we go from here?
When you only see the best in people you may not see them for who they really are. Assholes
Tonight my cable company couldn't find my account. I faced the possibility I didn't exist. Then I realized I called the wrong cable company
Sometimes, I buy drinks for ugly chicks at the bar and pretend they were from one of my brothers
::an earthquake couldn't shake the walls I've built up
- The woman will always be able to provide a stable home for her family.
. how many Legos are safe for a baby to eat? (sponsored)
An intelligent woman doesn't get mad, she gets creatively motivated in her pursuit of getting even.
The best thing about Twitter is you can't hear the people not laughing.
Via Libri antichi online - Studio bibliografico Apuleio
una scogliera di libri
The only time you can get away with telling a woman she really let herself go is when she's just come off the dance floor.
Twitter is the best place to socialize with people who hate socializing.
Jack Nicholson softly whispering bedtime stories to your children as they try to fall asleep
Just gave a Mom at my son's school a wrong number because she wanted to set up a play date.
Is it still sexy when I get on my knees if they crack?
all them strippers in Atlanta & none of em survive the zombie apocalypse?!?
Oh yeah let's rub all that swine flu blood all over my face. Make sure it touches the lips and eye.
Carol is gonna treat those girls like they're hers.
Someone better go get the search party ready.
I have no clue what the lyrics are but he sound damn good
Cop cars should play the jaws themesong.
'There's no 'I' in Team'..... That's why there's no 'ME' in Team either
Incredible what a kind word can bring...all you need is to think of one thing you've always wanted to hear...open your mouth & sing to them!
A simple star is acknowledgement that someone read what you wrote.
Sorry, but you give off murderer vibes. Oh... you were gonna take me to a game with an unlimited buffet? I meant you had killer vibes, LOL.
Hershel is getting senile.
its gotta be one of the children feeding the zombies.
Made the mistake of eating an watching the walking dead. I'm so grossed out my nig.
I wonder if Daryl and Carol are going to have sex... It'd kinda gross but not unexpected.
The Supreme Court is just a regular court with sour cream.
Just did a math problem in my head, now these teenagers think I'm a wizard
WOOF Learn from ...Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care."
The positives about having kids are as listed.
1: you now a have miniature you
2: candy on Halloween
3: you can watch spongebob 58 times
Hate your coworkers? I just peeled the chocolate out of two chocolate croissants &put them right back in the box. BRB, gotta steal a lunch.
Apparently NOT part of government
I was hoping.
Certain things will never make my list of concerns
I don't always use big words but when I do I can't spell them.
NASA radar device detects heartbeats in disaster rubble | Cutting Edge - CNET News
If you aren't hurting anyone....
Do what the fuck you like.
haha I know, I'm watching it & it's so hard trying to hold in the tears lmao
"Joking Bad" - Late Night with Jimmy Fallon HILARIOUS !!! VIDEO
Insignificant people thrive on absolutely nothing.
No expectations, no disappointments
At least when you were struggling, you weren't so debilitated that u couldn't " go"
For the last time, mankind: I don't need your help killing people.
Oh, I know it was. I wasnt offended with your comment or anything was just being funny back.:)I apologize for the miscommunication.
You know it's real when you are who you think you are.
Just keep in mind that no one asked you.
Drake isn't a rapper. Drake is an emotion.
"How are you today?"
"I'm feeling kinda Drake."
My patience on most situations gets thinner the older I get, once I'm done with a situation I'm done! Period! Don't like games or bs!
I have friends who treat me like god...they only call when they need something. '
Drake the type of nigga to say: "No Babe You're Not Pregnant, We are"
My girlfriend and I will be dressed as two people fucking in public for your Halloween party.
You're welcome in advance.
Why Hannah won't even wear a damn HAT is literally beyond me.
why are iphone chargers not called Apple Juice
I will love you till the end of time which, as I don't wear a watch, is until my phone battery dies.
Being self aware is a drag.
What did the bull do to impress the cow?
He showed off his mooves
Yeah I'm gonna need to see your teeth.