Twopcharts
Favorite Tweets on TwitterYou can check up to the last 200 tweets that are favorited by any unprotected Twitter user.
@
You can also check out this feature on our mobile website
ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
AishaUnfortunately, not in bed.2008-12-23
@auntu1,944 days
Public librarian, private dancer.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
3751278931,561
We found 200 favorite tweets.
Paige @PeachCoffin
I wonder if Chick-fil-A and Hobby Lobby are open today
2h               
99
20
Louise Brealey @louisebrealey
"I knew right then and there I could be anything I wanted to be..." (via the brilliant act-for-change.com) pic.twitter.com/65kCkUsaGA
2h               
504
388
Jamie Kilstein @jamiekilstein
Is there a way to inform @twitter I followed the NRA ironically so they can stop telling me to follow every arms dealer/militia/Ted Nugent?
3h               
21
3
Anne T. Donahue @annetdonahue
happy easter he has risen pic.twitter.com/HrObHLtk26
3h               
38
18
hoo boy, it's vrunt! @vrunt
"how fo"?? great now i look like an idiot in front of the president's wife!!!
3h in reply to vrunt               
7
Laurie Kilmartin @anylaurie16
Today, Pope Francis called for an end to hunger and war. I say YES to ending hunger, but with turkey meat. Then we make full people fight.
3h               
12
3
Emma Barrie @emmabarrie
spider, i saw you. spider, i lost you. spider is that your legs on my legs? :(
3h               
2
rob delaney @robdelaney
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A marijuana “joint,” even once, permanently robs you of the use of your legs & pænus.
3h               
2,321
1,462
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
Did you know you can make Easter egg dye out of beets? Did you know food co-ops don't have exits?
3h               
42
6
Roxane Gay @rgay
My Google Chrome keeps freezing and I have to force quit. I want that to stop.
3h               
2
Peter Serafinowicz @serafinowicz
Safari cannot open the page because it is an expedition to see animals in their natural habitat.
3h               
131
86
Jon Wurster @jonwurster
Fairly certain that young, white, dreadlocked surfer dude over there has never heard of Marcus or Steve Garvey.
3h               
23
4
rob delaney @robdelaney
.@Nick_Offerman I am #deep in prayer for your soul, and I am not wearing slacks.
3h in reply to Nick_Offerman               
482
74
Jesse Berney @jesseberney
Glad we've all spent Easter talking about the Klan. No wonder we can only make friends on the Internet.
3h               
1
Eliza Bayne @ElizaBayne
"Search For Missing Eggs Continues." - CNN
4h               
234
138
Roxane Gay @rgay
@iSmashFizzle That's when you close the piano like in the Color Purple.
4h in reply to iSmashFizzle               
5
Ashley Ford @iSmashFizzle
Uncle Barry stay fly. RT @SoAlmondie: The President is CLEAN, bruh. pic.twitter.com/0vYQ9uznXC
4h in reply to SoAlmondie               
19
18
Tara Ariano @TaraAriano
"I'm tired of this." - 3yo niece, on life, I guess?
4h               
10
1
rob delaney @robdelaney
Will be walking around LA today with @EllenPage on my shoulders forming a powerful Voltron to fight #Weedists on Jesus’ #WizardBirthday.
4h               
913
317
Jen Kirkman @JenKirkman
Jesus didn't rise so he could see children in bunny costumes slowing down security lines at airports. Or maybe he did? I'm not religious.
5h               
79
20
Anne T. Donahue @annetdonahue
"Happy Easter," Peggy counters. "Don't count your eggs before they hatch." Don is escorted from the office, crying silently.
5h               
8
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
When your kids go through a Transformers phase, you spend a lot of time answering the question, "Mom, do you think this is JUST a car?"
6h               
128
23
hoo boy, it's vrunt! @vrunt
the most bullshit thing about this holiday is dinner at 2PM same as every other holiday
6h               
25
3
Robin Wasserman @robinwasserman
35 years old and still "I'll just set these tiny earrings down here and totally remember where they are later" seems like a good plan to me.
6h               
112
45
Jamie Kilstein @jamiekilstein
BTW, with gentrification, institutional racism, the war on drugs, voter disenfranchisement, stand your ground, etc the klan has rebranded.
6h               
29
17
Trey @treydayway
I may be drinking and a little high at 9:30 a.m. but in my defense I'm irresponsible.
6h               
93
41
Paige @PeachCoffin
Easter morning time 2 wake up Jesus
7h               
57
7
John Moe @johnmoe
When we lived in Seattle, we told the kids our Easter Bunny was named Alan and he was assigned by the government. Like mail carriers.
7h               
46
16
Jesus Christ @Jesusontwittorr
SURPRISE!!!!
12h               
9,501
21,955
God @TheTweetOfGod
THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS

1 Laugh.
2 Read.
3 Say please.
4 Floss.
5 Doubt.
6 Exercise.
7 Learn.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
10 Chill.
17h               
11,045
14,723
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
If you were calming someone down & said "there, their" they wouldn't know your grammar is all fucked up they'd just think you're old timey
20h               
70
18
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
I'm white I ride a bicycle doo dee doo doo dum da dee - this one guy who just passed me.
23h               
69
8
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
*shaves legs before a pedicure*
SO SHINES A GOOD DEED IN A WEARY WORLD
23h               
132
16
Jamie Kilstein @jamiekilstein
The food poisoning has made its way to your brain. RT @BurgerKing: Burgers are more than gr8. They're gr9.
23h               
21
1
Vanessa Pelz-Sharpe @sarcastathon
My autobiography is going to be called 'I Hate You Deeply' and will just be a list of personal petty grievances I have with random people.
1d               
71
39
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
I'm so over scary twigs
1d               
137
32
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Today at brunch, the server whispered, "Come back tomorrow, we're having a ham thing." Just proud to look like a gal who enjoys a ham thing.
1d               
446
79
Ashishpal Singh @YungAshuSingh
Safe drinking game for recovering alcoholics: take a shot every time Deandre Jordan makes a free throw
1d               
3
Molly Manglewood @undeadmolly
How does "evolution" explain why ALL FOODS bake at temperatures that are multiples of five? Check mate, Cosmos.
1d               
61
19
Brian Stuart @red3blog
I want a New Girl spin-off that's just about Winston and Ferguson having adventures. Get on that, Universe.
1d               
14
16
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
Im always the last one to figure out that a love song is actually about Jesus. (Tricked me again, Jesus.)
1d               
179
65
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
Have to admit I'm more than a little excited by this Scarlett Johansson nip slip. pic.twitter.com/x6ghQDSuoZ
1d               
84
48
adam pally @adampally
@mindykaling "nice" people are boring and dumb you know that Cindy
1d in reply to mindykaling               
204
33
rob delaney @robdelaney
Who's your favorite grandparent??? Jesus will torture them in Hell if you take weed on #Easter420
1d               
1,510
1,041
Katie Klabusich @Katie_Speak
You can't tell me that this poster would have been ok w/folks if the #PLAL werent "christian."
katiespeak.com/2014/04/03/bra… pic.twitter.com/QzJsh3d3OY
1d               
4
5
cocoon @JustForHT
*accidentally sleeps in bra*

*wakes up angry with universe*
1d               
13
3
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
If I had to pick a getting-ready-to-go-out song, I'd probably choose "anything that distracts from the dismaying humanity of my own body."
1d               
152
40
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
Pretty sure the Internet exists to occasionally remind me of these GIFs. (Warnings for LANGUAGE.) rainbowrowell.tumblr.com/post/811407824…
1d               
47
11
pourmecoffee @pourmecoffee
Reasons to have strong opinions about Chelsea Clinton's pregnancy:

1. You are Chelsea Clinton or her family

End of list.
2d               
557
449
Nathan @stockejock
I just saved like $500.00 and got back $75.00 in Kohl's Cash if anyone wants to go on a date to Kohl's or anyplace that takes Kohl's Cash...
2d               
60
9
Kelly Hogan @hoganhere
So I'm standing on a L.A. street, holding a backpack, braless in pj's & flip flops. Of COURSE, I started asking strangers for money. #SWAT
2d               
15
1
Maureen Johnson @maureenjohnson
EVERYONE ENTER THEN GIVE ME THE TICKETS MT: @iamjohnoliver Would you like FREE tickets to tapings of my new HBO show? lastweektickets.com
2d               
5
2
Aisha Muharrar @eeshmu
Tonight #ParksandRec @KeeganMKey guest stars! @unfoRETTAble may be involved. As may @Nick_Offerman. Look, you just have to see for yourself.
3d               
7
1
Beth Stelling @BethStelling
Feels surprisingly good to eat a 5.4 ounce yogurt out of your carry-on at the security checkpoint in front of TSA with just your tongue
3d               
28
10
Adam Goldberg @TheAdamGoldberg
If you haven't watched the Steve Harvey show at 3am, in a state of abject inebriation...that's fine, I get the impression it airs daily.
3d               
8
4
Jamie Kilstein @jamiekilstein
There is another #citizenradio in Africa & sometimes we get frantic tweets from them and Im praying we aren't in charge of the revolution.
3d               
15
2
Joseph Fink @PlanetofFinks
so back when that kanye west/taylor swift thing happened, did we all decide to collectively ignore that he was completely right?
3d               
118
56
Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett
This day was stupid until I saw two ducks in Santa Monica using a crosswalk at a green light while all the cars waited for them to finish.
3d               
54
6
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
I'M ON MY FOURTH LATTE YOUR AURA IS SO NEAT OH BOY MY FACE IS BUZZY LET'S RAM OUR HEADS TOGETHER LIKE UM WHAT ARE THEY CALLED OH YEAH RAMS
4d               
43
1
Rachel Fershleiser @RachelFersh
Did you think no one would care? Or no one important would care? Or you didn't even think of it? ARE WE SERIOUSLY NOT ANNOYING ENOUGH YET?
4d               
6
3
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw
"Parking at Trader Joe's" should be the theme of next season's American Horror Story.
4d               
14
5
rob delaney @robdelaney
That you think you "deserve" an iced caramel macchiato or whatever is why our society will fail, in flames, soon.
4d               
1,144
694
rob delaney @robdelaney
"People who order anything other than drip coffee when there's a line at Starbucks suck my dirty balls." - Jesus in the Bible
4d               
1,056
457
Tyler Coates @tylercoates
"Awww, I've seen that one already!" Mom was not pleased about the preview for the next episode of "Judge Judy."
4d               
5
Jake Weisman @weismanjake
I want to watch feminist porn where women are fully clothed and eat whatever they want and feel no guilt about it
4d               
136
28
Alec Sulkin @thesulk
"...by the dawn's early light" is redundant. Nice anthem, Francis.
4d               
272
133
Chelsea Lockwood @Chelsea_Elle
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
4d               
130
25
Jessica Valenti @JessicaValenti
@RachelFersh @knottyyarn that one would come with a slideshow of penises.
4d in reply to JessicaValenti               
3
Jessica Valenti @JessicaValenti
WSJ conference ideas: "Women in the Workplace: Annoying, Ball-Busters, or Sweet, Sweet Eye Candy?" cc: @knottyyarn
4d               
17
4
Danielle @knottyyarn
WSJ conference ideas: "Not ALL men! A break-out panel on dominating in tech while pretending to care about diversity." cc: @JessicaValenti
4d               
17
8
Ahmed Al Omran @ahmed
Al is not my middle name, by the way.
4d               
17
11
don't hassle me @you_mean_vulva
my boss gave me ice cream because i was crying. she's a good mom
4d               
25
1
Danielle @knottyyarn
Hey, the Wall Street Journal is having a Sausage Fest™ and you're all invited! wsjdlive.wsj.com/speakers/
4d               
27
24
Laura Silverman @LauraJSilverman
Um… Is it depression if your main motivation for bathing is to then avoid working out, so as not to negate said previous momentous effort?
4d               
24
6
Nina Bargiel @slackmistress
I keep seeing "extreme" weather alerts but none of the snow is wearing a backwards baseball cap or riding a skateboard?
4d               
13
3
JimBryson @jimbryson
thinking of a diet plan? try having a major accident. i have lost 10lbs this past month. take that jenny craig
4d               
1
rob delaney @robdelaney
I'm passionate about working out with other #Christian #dads at my private ranch.
4d               
1,140
316
richard ayoade @RichardAyoade
I used to just bore those around me with these thoughts, now you too can be crushed into screaming submission.
4d               
488
246
Simon Pegg @simonpegg
Oh Benny. pic.twitter.com/doRLkNyDZv
4d               
3,788
2,158
Ana Marie Cox @anamariecox
Me: “From my perspective, all that proves is that women are better motorcycles drivers, and more elusive criminals.” theguardian.com/commentisfree/…
4d               
4
3
Maris Kreizman @mariskreizman
My buddy is back in town! @jamiattenberg pic.twitter.com/hvfaBtzUCH
4d               
6
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser
Morning selfie pic.twitter.com/SADLqVY9g6
4d               
68
9
dwayne @collatingbones
BANK OF AMERICA ALERT:

Good morning! We divided all your money by 4 so theres not as much today. It's legal.

Best Regards,
Bank of America
4d               
467
150
Nicole Cliffe @Nicole_Cliffe
But why find out?
4d in reply to Nicole_Cliffe               
9
pilot!!!!!!!!! @pilotbacon
@peteholmes can i be a guest on your show? i’m pretty funny
4d in reply to peteholmes               
8
lauren mcguire @imlaurenmcguire
Ugh if I was pregnant I would be GLOWING right now.
4d               
6
audrey farnsworth @audipenny
Sorry my mouth ate my own head when you asked me for directions, it's just that I've never been anywhere other than right where I'm standing
4d               
44
11
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
@realjohngreen Great video. I couldn't get through the whole thing, but it opened strongly.
4d in reply to realjohngreen               
134
24
Tyler Coates @tylercoates
I just saw a yogurt commercial in which a lady illustrator drew a picture of a cupcake and then started eating the paper. DIETING IS HARRRD.
5d               
11
1
Mary Beth Williams @embeedub
Me, every fucking morning: theonion.com/articles/woman…
5d               
6
1
Kelly Hogan @hoganhere
Compelled to tell y'all that @NekoCase made a spot-on Peter Criss reference onstage in Santa Fe tonight. SO PROUD of my student! #TheSpoiler
5d               
11
2
emily faye two @emilyfaye2
Yes, I would like to lose weight and tone up without changing any of my lifestyle habits whatsoever.
5d               
36
4
Mae @mzeld
TED talk about sighing a lot
5d               
62
16
Susan @LilyTrail
Walk in. Take their pen. Scribble over all of their papers. Put their pen behind my ear and walk out. Like a boss.
5d               
27
3
Epcot Centre @EpcotCentre
We will be open on Easter but you don't have to dress up & we're not doing a special brunch or anything like that.
6d               
263
229
Jake Tapper @jaketapper
Hello! pic.twitter.com/Dwe7YsJUtc
6d               
87
23
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
@mallelis MALLORY ORTBERG.
7d in reply to mallelis               
3
Kathy Cacace @kathycacace
I bind thee, James Franco. I bind thee against doing any more projects I have to see, or any more projects I have to read. I bind thee, Jame
7d               
16
14
rob delaney @robdelaney
.@wolfblitzer I would laugh at your on-air suggestions that I'm a virgin if they weren't so hurtful to my son Lindsay. He's in the Air Force
7d               
581
92
Chillian J. Yikes! @jilliancyork
My cat keeps getting up every time the doorbell rings. Yeah right as if you're going to be helpful, cat.
7d               
6
1
rob delaney @robdelaney
@sethmeyers Sorry they fired you :(
7d in reply to sethmeyers               
818
81
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
can odd > can't even
7d               
619
494
Linda Holmes @nprmonkeysee
"How well would your bones work if you had no calcium?" You've got me there, supplement pitch guy.
7d               
12
4
Emmy Blotnick @emmyblotnick
Kinda can't believe there isn't a love ballad that uses the lyric "I'm fragile like a hard shell taco"
7d               
23
6
Chiara Atik @ChiaraAtik
What if I just buckled down and finished the fucking Goldfinch today and never tweeted about it again
7d               
4
Kristen Schaal @kristenschaaled
Do I just buy bananas to watch them die?
7d               
1,573
1,034
Roxane Gay @rgay
This is so romantic. mobile.nytimes.com/2014/04/13/fas… (via @KeraBolonik)
7d               
20
3
Chelsea Lockwood @Chelsea_Elle
Teach your baby how to use its eyes. It looks like it's watching ghosts fly around behind me.
7d               
106
12
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
so @rainbowrowell's coming to TCM to see the Errol Flynn Robin Hood for the first time & if she doesn't love it I will kill her, then myself
7d               
26
1
joereid @joereid
Montage of Elaine Benes shoves set to Jojo's "Leave (Get Out)"
7d               
10
7
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
“Mmm, yes, quite,” is what I imagine a British orgasm sounds like.
7d               
152
45
Ashley Ford @iSmashFizzle
I also dreamt I had dinner with Beyoncé, and she kept wanting to talk about the huge influence of Kenny Loggkins in her music thus far.
7d               
7
2
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
@meganamram depends - have you been sinning?
7d in reply to meganamram               
94
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
women scream when their friends get engaged to keep the demon trapped inside her diamond from getting out
7d               
313
163
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
suffragettes don't suffra-sweat it don'tcha suffra-get it

(i guess i am writing a suffragette musical now)
7d               
73
21
Chelsea Peretti @ChelseaVPeretti
I MEAN HE FELL
7d               
106
7
Tara Ariano @TaraAriano
I'm not close enough to hear so I'm pretending this ends with "Keep coming back! It works if you work it!" #doglesson
7d               
3
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
When the self-checkout lady says, "Welcome valued customer," I like to turn to my fellow shoppers and ask, "Everyone hear that?"
7d               
398
96
Laura Silverman @LauraJSilverman
I found lyrics in my 'songs' folder and I honestly don't know if I wrote them- there a song called "Happy Birthday, Jesus (Head in a Jar)"?
7d               
12
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Papa John: 🏈🍕
Peyton Manning: Ha
Papa John: Wanna hang this weekend?
Peyton Manning: no thx
Papa John: 👬 ?👍
Peyton Manning: Stop it
7d               
394
191
Gabe Delahaye @gabedelahaye
I never feel more like a woman getting out of a bad marriage & driving into an unknown future than after listening to any Cat Power song.
8d               
32
6
Dominic @Sarcasticsapien
I'm losing followers at an understandable pace.
8d               
107
44
James Rhodes @JRhodesPianist
Very kind lady just pressed a flyer into my hand & assured me that Jesus loved me. I said that was aces but was he IN love with me? Silence.
8d               
171
71
shelby fero @shelbyfero
SEXT: (*´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥-°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ )人(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥~°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥`)
8d               
97
14
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
@mallelis You don't have time to fall in love. We're going to the movies.
8d in reply to mallelis               
8
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
does anyone want to fall wildly in love for the next two days and then go politely away and leave me alone forever
8d               
121
31
Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman
It's not that ur skin is getting looser that's unattractive, ma. It's ur obsessive shame about it.
C'mon ur daughters r watching
8d               
2,494
1,273
Teju Cole @tejucole
Both Glenn Greenwald and Barack Obama are in New York City tonight, and I'm available to referee a dance-off.
8d               
227
152
Maureen Johnson @maureenjohnson
$5 to anyone who can get Benedict Cumberbatch to join Twitter.
8d               
232
144
Maureen Johnson @maureenjohnson
As of today @RobertDowneyJr is on Twitter. This is the first sign. Now we wait for Benedict Cumberbatch. And when he comes, then it begins.
8d               
226
134
Tyler Coates @tylercoates
When I am king, I will decree that no man shall perform an acoustic Beyoncé cover.
8d               
10
2
shelby fero @shelbyfero
Barista began to explain their brew method when from a place inside me I've never felt before or since came a voice that said I Don't Care.
9d               
199
24
emilynussbaum @emilynussbaum
Everything Mae Whitman feels, I feel. She could play Iago and I'd be all, Yeah, the guy has a point.
9d               
122
29
Ashley Ford @iSmashFizzle
Does BuzzFeed have a resident yacht-rock expert, or is that going to be how I make myself invaluable to the team?
10d               
7
pourmecoffee @pourmecoffee
Please excuse Billy from school as he will be changing passwords all day.
10d               
200
273
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
Car Makers Attempt to Out-Recall Each Other
10d               
25
5
Natasha VC @natashavc
How is "IT WAS AN ABORTION, MICHAEL!" not standard in the camp repertoire? THIS SICILIAN 'THING'
10d               
9
Alicia Hawkes @AliciaHawkes
Nightmare future idea: Instead of a men's and women's bathroom there's "pee" and "poo" and you HAVE to use whichever one you have to do
11d               
122
42
Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman
Everything I learned about applying make up on I learned from 14 year olds on YouTube
11d               
2,295
1,051
Alicia Hawkes @AliciaHawkes
"I see you've stopped pulling for Batkid." -Boyfriend to me just now
11d               
14
Jen Kirkman @JenKirkman
Anyone who tells me I HAVE to love America all the time is not taking into account most of the Ameri-cans I have to share it with.
11d               
58
14
Katie Heaney @KTHeaney
I'm at a magic show with @AriannaRebolini and we both have a crush on the magician and we're both worried he can tell, because of magic
11d               
24
8
Sara Benincasa @SaraJBenincasa
Holy shit. My book is #1 in its category on Amazon in Canada. I know this shit changes by the hour but that never happened with my memoir!
11d               
42
2
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
Just for fun, post a photo on Facebook of a friend's baby and say something like "being a mom is so awesome!!" See if anyone notices.
11d               
54
16
Sara Benincasa @SaraJBenincasa
Can't the GOP cover our birth control so we can fuck our husbands without having babies and then work harder for that sweet American cash?
11d               
18
4
Ashley Ford @iSmashFizzle
Three black people in here. We all just introduced ourselves to one another. As is the tradition. You know.
11d               
14
5
shelby fero @shelbyfero
I think I just got tricked into being racist against Mexicans by two consecutive Irish bartenders.
11d               
73
2
Chris Scott @iamchrisscott
A few years ago things were rough & I wasn't doing too well so I taught myself how to make pies & making pies still makes me really happy
11d               
12
1
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
Sent my friend a text with only 55 hearts because I'm mad at her.
11d               
135
17
shelby fero @shelbyfero
Trying to figure out how to ask this 20-something busker about his eyepatch w/o being weird. Taking awhile. I've spent 386$ in coins so far.
11d               
54
2
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
Girl next to me on the plane is a cashier and she said sometimes she just wants to tell customers to fuck off I was like live your dreams
11d               
169
25
Jessi Klein @jessirklein
Thanks for letting me know oscar pistorius is eating lunch, cnn RT@cnnbrk: Oscar Pistorius testimony pauses for lunch break.
12d in reply to cnnbrk               
26
11
MGoJen @MGoJen
Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is show up. It's Tuesday--breathe deeply, love extravagantly and speak kindly. Go.
12d               
6
5
Sizzle Reel @SizzleReel
HOROSCOPE
Nobody likes you and you're good with knives, so why not use today as an opportunity to settle some scores. Lucky number: 17
12d               
30
20
Emma Barrie @emmabarrie
when i get upset by a spider in my room with many legs, i imagine it tap dancing with a small hat, try it you'll like it
12d               
3
erin mallory long @erinmallorylong
Just half-inhaled a tiny bug in my left nostril but I think it's gone since I've cut my nose off.
12d               
16
Kelly Hogan @hoganhere
@NekoCase was just in my room, reeking o'Club Man, and it was so hard to NOT give her an automatic blow job! I'm Pavlovian about the stuff.
12d in reply to NekoCase               
13
shelby fero @shelbyfero
AN APP THAT LETS U KNO IF PPL AROUND U ARE GOING TO SAME PLACE AND WANNA SPLIT A CAB POSSIBLE CON: MURDERS
12d               
205
26
Katie Heaney @KTHeaney
my phone just autocorrected "getting groceries" to "heroic era" and I was like, true
13d               
549
171
Rachel Fershleiser @RachelFersh
What could you accomplish if you never worried about looking like That Girl.
13d               
8
3
Mike Primavera @primawesome
A woman on the bus just caught me looking at her. Then I tried looking at her reflection in the window. Caught again. She's good at this.
13d               
110
16
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser
Currently aging at the Atlanta airport.
13d               
65
3
pourmecoffee @pourmecoffee
On this day in 2009 Vermont legalized gay marriage and today only 11 heterosexual couples remain, all remote primitive syrup farmers.
13d               
281
294
Chris Scott @iamchrisscott
Match.com bio: Looking for someone to explain to me why you can't feed Gremlins after midnight because wouldn't that be always?
13d               
4
Ellen Page @EllenPage
All these shows about spies, sociopaths and narcissists cannot be helping anyone's trust issues.
13d               
1,838
872
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
you see two fish decals on my car and assume i'm way into jesus, but the truth is that i, along with my fish wife and fish son, are atheists
13d               
343
139
Conor Tripler @ConorTripler
ok spoiler from the first 30 seconds of GoT S4 - there's still swords. they've kept the swords involved in the show. more 2 come
13d               
132
73
Megan Amram @meganamram
Face down, ass up, can't lose
13d               
1,237
391
John Moe @johnmoe
11yo presently singing "Margaret Cho, Margaret CHO!" to the tune of Frozen's Let It Go. cc @margaretcho
13d               
36
6
Gabe Liedman @gabeliedman
@joereid YOU LEAVE THEON ALONE ASSHOLE IT'S NOT RIGHT
13d in reply to joereid               
2
Nathan @stockejock
Take me down to the Facebook City where the people are fake and their lives seem pretty.
14d               
169
72
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
.@julieedow god bless you. just drop a match in that sink and walk away.
14d in reply to julieedow               
22
3
Mallory Ortberg @mallelis
shoulda been born an adult human if you wanted to eat something other than the same pellets every day for the rest of your life, cat
14d               
87
16
Pamela Ribon @pamelaribon
"I used to rollerblade down the Third Street Promenade!" -- lady sitting behind me whom I wish I could turn around to stare at all night.
14d               
4
Chris Scott @iamchrisscott
Gentle reminder from your friendly neighborhood urban gardeners pic.twitter.com/mWqXBRjcQv
15d               
10
Dan McQuade @dhm
Calling all of these. pic.twitter.com/j0fwWb2YYA
15d               
3
Rashida Jones @iamrashidajones
Trying to start a trend as antidote to too many sexy selfies. #elegantselfie #girlsarewatching @evilhag @morningmika pic.twitter.com/NwrSiy7ZsG
15d               
4,125
974
Rashida Jones @iamrashidajones
Thank you @WomenInWorld for having me on a fascinating panel. Let's keep talking about hypersexualization culture! #girlsarewatching
15d               
492
109
Rainbow Rowell @rainbowrowell
I'm always objectifying men. Pretending they don't have names. Or Twitter handles.
15d               
112
32
Jenny Mollen @jennyandteets
I was in charge of planning last night's date w my husband so obviously it ended with a drive past his Ex-gf's:) pic.twitter.com/1G8LKn9wkZ
15d               
202
27
rob whisman @robwhisman
just saw a dildo considerably larger than my own penis. bout to fire off an angry email
15d               
96
6
Nathan @stockejock
"This bathing suit is about two sizes too small....I'll take it." -America
15d               
49
16
Jason Miller @longwall26
*Oh, shit. Here come some local teens. Be cool, Miller. Be...* HEY GUYS DO YOU WANNA HEAR THE TUMMY-TIME SONG I SING FOR MY CATS AT SUPPER??
15d               
189
30
James Perry @JamesHPerry
The #Nerdland baby view. pic.twitter.com/L7SjmhZ59c
15d               
9
5
Jamie Kilstein @jamiekilstein
Hannibal has solidified my fear of white people and choice to be vegan.
15d               
31
14
vladchoc @vladchoc
You know you make me want to SHOUT dwell on sad thoughts and SHOUT half a cheesecake and SHOUT throw my drink back and SHOUT give up now.
15d               
570
198
amanda abbington @CHIMPSINSOCKS
Shakespeare: ahhh Benedict. Do you want to play Hamlet and that...?
Ben: gosh, yes, um, of course, yes...! pic.twitter.com/DqjZEcPkNi
15d               
4,749
3,394
amanda abbington @CHIMPSINSOCKS
Shakespeare: Ahhh Mr Freeman would you like to be Richard III and that...?
Martin: ... Yeah. All right... pic.twitter.com/Km7tUy7RPq
15d               
4,408
3,052
Sara Benincasa @SaraJBenincasa
@steveagee: @SaraJBenincasa I'm not made of money!” Neither is Gayle and yet you neglect her.
15d in reply to steveagee               
5
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
@respected_loner but if two guys are already in a band what are they inspired to do in their midlife crises? form more bands?
15d in reply to respected_loner               
5
Chelsea Peretti @ChelseaVPeretti
WATCHING THE NEWS IN DETROIT IS NEXT LEVEL
15d               
304
99
Shannon O'Neill @spotastic
I'm staying at a hotel in Providence Rhode Island, the cops are here and gave up on whatever they were called here for. #DeadbyMorning
15d               
9
1
emily faye two @emilyfaye2
Audrey and Cooper are the two most perfect humans and if Audrey couldn't get Cooper then what chance do any of us have for love
15d               
19
1
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser
Bartender: Would you care for a straw?
Nikki: Yes. I will take good care of it.
15d               
422
135
Fiona @cogentanalysis
@smeagolsfree @lanyardigan IT IS KNOWN, KHALEESI
15d in reply to smeagolsfree               
4
Chelsea Peretti @ChelseaVPeretti
@gunnarmorrow: @ChelseaVPeretti I thought you looked very nice..” I DID
15d in reply to gunnarmorrow               
45
2
Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett
What's up, guy who set up his laptop and did a whole workout DVD at the gym? You're supposed to do those at home alone in shame.
15d               
68
9
audrey farnsworth @audipenny
How to parallel park: find a prairie where no cars are OR go home and set your car on fire
15d               
43
18
Chelsea Peretti @ChelseaVPeretti
@r_atkinson1208: @ChelseaVPeretti who wore it better? pic.twitter.com/kiXPvnIPxv” THIS I LEGIT DO THINK IS FUNNY
15d in reply to r_atkinson1208               
360
41
shelby fero @shelbyfero
I want to push myself in the dirt when I hear the way I talk to cute boys.
15d               
257
64
For remarks, suggestions and complaints, you can contact us at: info@twopcharts.com. On Twitter you can find us here: @gl_twop_1000