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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
UNTRESORDarfur2009-06-12
@UNTRESOR1,907 days
slayer enthusiast. fang baring feral unicorn. dong merchant. auto didactic sycophant. reverse kegel instructor. team vagussy.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
41,85564918,0391,978104,249
We found 199 favorite tweets.
scru2luse @scru2luse
Well folks...in other news..
24d               
2
thomas violence @thomas_violence
"the secret to acting," i say, pausing to pick lint off my turtleneck sweater, "is pretending to be someone else. someone not you"
24d               
72
21
scru2luse @scru2luse
You think it's small now!?
You should have seen it before you took your clothes off!!
24d               
2
Mark Reek Hoppus @markhoppus
*paul simon voice*
🎶i can call you theon
and theon when you call me
you can call me reek, call me reek🎶
24d               
858
373
keply ☁️ @keplyq
good job pic.twitter.com/t59GXfPuhO
25d               
43
4
MattyTalks @mattytalks
If I had any real standards I'd unfollow anyone who regularly makes vines and delete this account
25d               
32
1
Ray @dragnut
┓┏┓┏┓┃
┛┗┛┗┛┃\○/
┓┏┓┏┓┃ / THE
┛┗┛┗┛┃ノ)
┓┏┓┏┓┃ TOILET
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃ SEAT
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃ WAS WET
┃┃┃┃┃┃
┻┻┻┻┻┻
26d               
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8
Paige @PeachCoffin
You don't so much eat a Nature Valley granola bar as bite into it so it explodes into a spray of crumbs
26d               
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13
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
My son would never worry about finding a girl if he could see some of the guys I've been with. So I made a scrapbook. pic.twitter.com/rwp8HmO2Ks
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23
thomas violence @thomas_violence
uh oh iPhone 6 due to be released soon: looks like all we obtain crumbles under the weight of time and slips through our fingers like dust!
26d               
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16
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Think I'm officially too creeped out to answer pic.twitter.com/SJ8c09Xfku
26d               
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11
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
There goes my fantasy of us sipping tiny Frescas while knitting sweaters for the cats together. 😿
26d               
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6
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
pic.twitter.com/n3NRoJ74Iy
26d               
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6
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I'm fun on tinder: pic.twitter.com/ho1tDqLJyx
26d               
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8
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Sext: I just found a piece of a PopTart in my hair.
27d               
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5
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
What doesn't break you, makes you take Xanax.
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200
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I saw a kid clutching a Happy Meal yesterday while waiting outside a curtained room in the ER and it was the most unhappy thing I've seen.
27d               
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6
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Taye needs to bury a body.
Taye buys shovel.
Taye finds secluded place in forest.
Taye grabs shovel.
Taye burns the body.
27d               
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6
scru2luse @scru2luse
I really miss @UNTRESOR .
where are you?
Poo poo
27d               
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
@UNTRESOR pic.twitter.com/u0WL72Jx0Y
27d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I had to legit dig a booger out of my son's nose today cuz he was convinced it was a spider and his nose hairs were its legs.
28d               
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3
ballin' ass furlin @thefurlinator
being an adult is like learning for the first time that santa isn't real every single day
28d               
1,181
757
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Gettin pretty #turntup over here, you guys pic.twitter.com/num8T8kQtL
29d               
61
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
The discovery of adult dosage instructions on Flintstones vitamins was all I needed to throw away my daily women's health bullshit ones.
30d               
109
20
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Just learned that cosplay has nothing to do with wearing garish sweaters and eating Pudding Pops.
31d               
58
10
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I personally love drama and games.
31d               
53
9
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
kinda @ Hard Times Cafe instagram.com/p/rI62CkhGJ9/
31d               
1
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Self-improvement is stupid. I'm just trying to not get worse.
31d               
542
322
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
It's not peeing your pants, it's letting the call of nature go to voicemail.
31d               
127
44
Gretchen @TheHatIsGood
Ebola is actually good
31d               
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3
MattyTalks @mattytalks
I'm going to buy some yoga pants and start tweeting shit like "Pilates, more like pill lattes (Xanax + Coffee) " then I'll jump off a bridge
31d               
115
24
''max'' @maxlavergne
just eavesdropped on some youths and one said "it was bonnie & clyde 101, dude. shake the fuck out." guess i'll die of old age now
31d               
27
2
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Gwyneth Paltrow arises from a lake of almond milk. "Fetch me my smile," she whisper-screams to her most steadfast servant. He stares in awe.
31d               
123
18
Dan Gagliardi @asimplemachine
I used to cherish days off but now I know that they just force me to reckon with myself. Been staring at my dog all day, trying not to cry.
32d               
9
Patrick @pattymo
Sharknado 3: Fuck You
32d               
28
2
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Blake Lively peers through her kitchen window, watching Martha Stewart's drone circle the neighborhood.
"There it is," she whispers
32d               
79
8
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Just whispered "Oh God" when I sat down at my desk and a moth fluttered by me #cryinthedark
32d               
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Horton @crushingbort
*dislikes an opinion online* hmmm this person must live in the very lowest level of their parents home
32d               
286
64
Michael @Home_Halfway
What The Hell is Happening And Why Is Everything Scary: A Guide to Living Life
32d               
105
30
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
I love @UNTRESOR. #FF
32d               
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Today was a good day: pic.twitter.com/dCoBstU2Y4
32d               
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4
RAINBOW SATAN @TPHD
INSTEAD OF SPENDING YOUR MONEY, LAY ON THE GROUND WITHOUT MOVING FOR A VERY LONG TIME
33d               
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69
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Good morning. I've decided I'm done with this Earth place: pic.twitter.com/snHczcIOOC
33d               
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27
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
It's a good name, but a little long. What if we take 3 of the letters, arrange them randomly & toss a K at the end? How Richard became Dick
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8
''Steve'' @extranapkins
I was cruising around downtown today on my Segway, doing a conf call on the Bluetooth whilst eating an Activia, when I noticed #MyDickWasOut
33d               
68
6
''max'' @maxlavergne
heaven diary, day a million: dear diary, still no drama in heaven. getting bored of not making a fuss. wheres the drama.
33d               
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5
thomas violence @thomas_violence
Swag is for boys, class is for men, healing chants are for elders, death curses are for ancestors, the tongue of the gods is for ancients.
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79
000___000 @000___000
no one expected everything to become post-apocalyptic quite so gradually.
33d               
162
110
Scotty @MarylandMudflap
MOVIE: Ugly girl gets into old sleeping bag at a sleepover, a popular girl farts on her, and when she gets out she is a beautiful princess.
33d               
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32
lawblob @lawblob
this is the only “meme” my son jaden is allowed to look at on the church computer. pic.twitter.com/oMql88xqEU
33d               
369
114
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
Nurse, this man is bleeding heavily, pass me my Space Jam DVD, stat
[Cracks open beer]
There’s nothing I can do. May as well enjoy myself
33d               
471
171
Mike F @animaldrumss
[at drive thru, loud enough for cars both ahead of and behind me to hear] Yeah I'll take that in EXTRA LARGE. and can I get the MENS VERSION
33d               
119
18
Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
imgur my wife and i are too epically awkward to attend my coworkers funeral. can you photoshop us there??
33d               
31
3
priscilla @BBW_BFF
take me to the d pic.twitter.com/jbioEc8mLy
33d               
66
7
Mike F @animaldrumss
[49 yr old guy shopping for dishwashers] Do you have any that leave some dirt on the dish? I actually think dirt is cool. Im a punk rocker.
33d               
113
27
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
If you want your child to be president: please note. RT @ablington beach reading. pic.twitter.com/SGF3eCMnzL
34d in reply to ablington               
56
7
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
"Please, just tell me the name of the restaurant. Work was insane and I just want to relax. Please." -the Riddler's girlfriend
34d               
110
37
keply ☁️ @keplyq
today I'm gonna buy a shirt that says "THIS IS SWEAT FUCK OFF"
34d in reply to keplyq               
43
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color
34d               
1,832
1,032
wint @dril
breastfeed a celeb today
34d               
839
398
Ceej @ceejoyner
My SPF100 suncape thrashes in the wind. "The tide approaches your sand palace, children. This cold earth will devour everything you build."
34d               
404
87
John Moe @johnmoe
6yo's favorite Weird Al song is Party In the CIA. She does not know what the CIA is. Does not care to find out.
34d               
32
Glenn @justabloodygame
There Will Be Blood (Drama, 2007) A glimpse at an average day in the life of three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Louis. [Rated-R, 158 mins]
34d               
102
28
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Going to see an optometrist for my depression because I've lost the ability to look forward to anything.
34d               
152
44
000___000 @000___000
also, still not sure if it should be a novel or an epic poem or a philosophical treatise or a tome of occult magickal spells or a popup book
34d in reply to 000___000               
29
1
000___000 @000___000
been researching material for a book for 3 decades. i'll spend the next 3 trying to find any sense in it & appending new info. then i'll die
34d               
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3
Twitnter is Coming @OhNoSheTwitnt
🎶Oops I did it again/I scratched up your couch/Threw up on the floor/Oops you thought I was cute/till I chewed up your boot🎶-Kitteny Spears
34d               
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64
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
CREATING SOCIAL MEDIA CONTENT
34d               
14
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
Me: (boston accent) That's arbitrary
Guy: What is? Why are you talking like that
Me: Do you like apples
34d               
109
15
Calm Tomb @CalmTomb
"Dude, he's FORGOTTEN more about the Metroid video games than you'll ever know." - what I assume will be whispered about me someday.
34d               
18
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
No one at this farmer's market knows I'm wearing a swim diaper. #SummerFun
34d               
238
57
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Enough with the hard sell, I'll take it pic.twitter.com/7hLrTs8uwi
34d               
342
59
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Ronald Reagan masks are for fucking or robbing banks and that's it.
34d               
83
20
Laura @LadyLardman
The monkey guy sprayed me with beet molasses.
34d               
7
2
Josh @joshbupkes
at the butcher's I worry I'll randomly blink the code where he waves me back to taste the human meat
34d               
70
16
Westy @wwwesty
I'm still drinking out of my Worlds Greatest Dad mug. Recognize.
34d               
3
Digital Daniel @BronzeHammer
hello darkness my old friend pic.twitter.com/z75hp2Pmnv
34d               
92
6
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Hey, teenage girls, what stupid thing are you into now? I want to crank out a shitty book and turn it into seven movies.
34d               
1,010
516
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
The feeling I get when my 5yo tries to tell me a linear story is exactly what my wife feels like when i try to explain a funny tweet to her.
34d               
165
36
Patrick @pattymo
When she texts first pic.twitter.com/RqtR7nga5b
35d               
47
2
MattyTalks @mattytalks
When one of the truly great dads retires, they honor him by hanging his khakis from the rafters of a Home Depot
35d               
247
73
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
I live in constant fear and I'm depressed and grumpy as hell so I'm basically Batman minus a few million dollars and a fancy belt.
35d               
140
44
Mike F @animaldrumss
Doctor: Nice, nice, reflexes are looking good. Next guy who hits you on the knee is in for the kick of his life. You'll do it automatically.
35d               
519
131
Pauly Miller @Pauly_Miller
@theleanover I stopped watching. Last week esp had too many fake weird things that appeared to be desperation, not good writing
35d               
2
Jeb Lund @Mobute
I had this same problem with Uber until I texted them my Klout score (420.69) and now my Uber score is a panther wearing a bandana.
35d               
37
josh mecouch @pants
bone zone pic.twitter.com/kh6J51GV3X
35d               
58
4
thomas violence @thomas_violence
3 types of human action: that driven by hubris, that driven by insecurity & that which is done for vine fame you get for fucking a hotpocket
35d               
54
9
Mike F @animaldrumss
Most people are too stupid to get as many extra napkins as I do at restaurants. Either theyre too scared to ask, or they don't know its free
35d               
132
25
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR @BAKKOOONN
the silent specter of first date diarrhea pic.twitter.com/U2FwCkijmM
35d               
119
31
michael @michaeljhudson
How u feel when u see an ex in public with someone and ur alone pic.twitter.com/npr5nQxfMd
35d               
201
45
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Sorry your daughter has snapchat
35d               
135
37
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
took online quiz 'which Friends character are you?' and I got the child molester from Diff'rent Strokes
35d               
168
48
jomny sun @jonnysun
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF--
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
35d               
1,791
701
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Sunday evening is a 35 minute wait at Macaroni Grill that goes on for 2-3 hours
35d               
29
2
keply ☁️ @keplyq
YOU GUYS I AM PLAYING BASEBALL AND I TRIED TO SPRINT FROM 3RD TO HOME BUT MY LEGS SAID "NO THANKS" AND I JUST SHUT OFF AND LAID DOWN
35d               
99
3
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
My son's message for the stranger who snapchatted me video of him fingering his butt: You shouldn't do that. You'll get poop on your finger.
36d               
71
7
Mike Primavera @primawesome
I've seen a lot of Jesus billboards on this road trip. Call me crazy but I don't think he likes being hung up on display to make a point.
36d               
310
117
lemons @respected_loner
if i saw a celeb eating a big log of shit like it was a hoagie you can bet i would buy a tshirt of it and wear it to my sons funeral
36d               
125
27
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Just barked at someone walking their dog because I thought they were a raccoon and I was trying to scare it away.
36d               
43
3
Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander
Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
36d               
434
246
keply ☁️ @keplyq
please join me as I look around and and wonder silently: what in the actual hell
37d               
387
147
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
All that seems "natural"--(like the rotary phone, milk in bottles)--is soon revealed to be "unnatural" as it fades from our view.
37d               
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33
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I'm kinda worried we're under-utilizing the crystal ball emoji, you guys. 🔮
37d               
69
15
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Anything new happening with chairs?
37d               
138
79
rory @rorynotroy
oh well ill just j/o
37d               
33
jon hendren @fart
welcome to divorced dad bed and breakfast. i hope your futon was comfortable. this morning we're serving triscuits w/ room temp nacho cheese
38d               
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37
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
Well at least we still have nothing to take seriously.
38d               
8
1
MattyTalks @mattytalks
*me pitching a movie script* a guy who uses 20% of his brain but only uses it to win Bar Trivia to pay for his crippling alcoholism
38d               
146
31
scru2luse @scru2luse
Salsa shark.
38d               
1
chuuch @ch000ch
[sneaks a puppy out of a paper bag at the movie theater] u want one bro
38d               
2,640
1,401
Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
i want to have a reality show where i help twitters saddest folks even though all my ideas for self improvement are dangerous and stupid
38d               
45
2
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Thank fucking god pic.twitter.com/TFJltLNLgg
38d               
118
13
Scott @jscottwilson
Titty
Titty
Titty
Nipple
Titty
Titty
38d               
14
McDuck @ORJeffy
Dear god, I love @UNTRESOR
38d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
r milk @rad_milk
i hate it when my ear buds get tangled up around my huge tits and i gotta suck those big boys loose
38d               
143
34
keply ☁️ @keplyq
#50ShadesFanFic and then she realized that she could take responsibility for her own pleasure, and buried him under the garden
38d               
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48
Paige @PeachCoffin
#50ShadesFanFic "Crawl to the bed, slut," he growled, tightening his grip on her leash. Anastasia turned around and chewed his dick off.
38d               
121
15
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
A show called So You Think You Can Dad where cargo short wearing men face challenges like backing into parking spots & eating while standing
38d               
3,626
2,175
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
.@SUBWAY care to comment on this pic.twitter.com/aHJ5JZEuTU
38d               
208
44
Jason Miller @longwall26
I think I'm a pretty happy person and then my hair won't lie down right & I'm all, "The cosmos is a godless shit-show of murder and horror."
39d               
340
129
Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
[my phone buzzes and a jump out of bed]
beautiful woman: come back...
me: i can't. a celebrity just died and i have to say they died pooping
39d               
45
3
Michael @Home_Halfway
*walks up to guy at urinal* Hah hey now I didn't think they allowed snakes in here! I'm just kiddin. I'm Michael. Fuck you're good at pissin
39d               
512
133
sweaty five dollars @iscoff
@UNTRESOR 50 SHADES OF GREYHOUND, AM I RI—*hit by ambulance*
39d in reply to UNTRESOR               
19
1
Twitnter is Coming @OhNoSheTwitnt
50 Shades of Greyjoy pic.twitter.com/ogOjoiVBsO
39d               
353
251
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
Unsolicited advice from my father. He's very supportive. pic.twitter.com/PANQy91jms
39d               
75
3
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
GOOD MORNING, FARCICAL DEMOCRACIES
39d               
4
Anthony De Rosa @AntDeRosa
I love that TV news today is basically people reading things off Twitter
39d               
130
140
Gretchen @TheHatIsGood
How many lives am I willing to destroy for my online brand? Well..one, for sure.
39d               
46
7
thomas violence @thomas_violence
@ConorTripler anger bird
39d in reply to ConorTripler               
8
Pauly Casillas? @PaulyPeligroso
Dang I have so much money right now pic.twitter.com/hwnVbd4bV2
39d               
28
14
Michael Raphone, Sr. @michael_raphone
(shaggy guy drinking a white russian leans in close) this is the first time I've said something that wasn't a big lebowski quote since 1998
39d               
79
7
Louis Peitzman @LouisPeitzman
I keep feeling like I must have missed an episode of The Leftovers and then I'm like, it doesn't matter nothing matters at all none of it.
39d               
33
5
dan mentos @DanMentos
[2050, an older married couple in bed]
"Let's do it like we used to do in college"
I dunno…
"Come on"
I guess.
*types into phone* "you up?"
39d               
36
5
jon hendren @fart
i'm just on here looking for web-centric dynamic mobile b2b integrated enterprise marketplace solutions and you show me a tity. you monster
39d               
101
10
Eli Braden @EliBraden
Boyz II Men Who Can't Face the Realities of Adulthood and Remain Fixated on Products and Media Intended For Children #ComicConBands
39d               
116
21
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
Poked my head under the 3-season porch to see if Keith (Richards) needed anything before bed. He asked for a bowl of Kix laced with Unisom.
39d               
32
3
A Responsible Man @OBiiieeee
I finally spot a wild butt in the woods. It sees me and booty claps to warn all of the others in the area. My father will not be pleased.
39d               
58
17
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
Well poop on a Pringle™ and call me L O R D O F T H E A I R, B R I N G E R O F L I G H T
39d               
3
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
Give an inch and take a smile.
39d               
3
Sean Thomason @TheThomason
With Cat Power comes Cat responsibility. I wrote most of The Wire.
39d               
87
8
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Another night of my kids going to bed late because I've been too tired to deal with bedtime.
39d               
36
2
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
A family function is a monologue contest.
39d               
6
1
Horton @crushingbort
my taxi is playing that stupid Fancy song and someone should go to jail for gene-splicing this poor woman's vocal chords with a wet fart
39d               
87
20
Pauly Miller @Pauly_Miller
Tell me more of this imaginary time when men didn't help with housework.
39d               
11
1
Jason Miller @longwall26
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
39d               
3,901
2,361
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I woke up to my 5yo trying to unlock my iPhone with my thumbprint.
39d               
303
41
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
"Actually that's a myth-"
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
40d               
1,292
558
rob delaney @robdelaney
i put a lot of work into my lawn & when my wife's teen son from her 1st marriage does "donuts" on it with his dirt bike I seethe with hatred
40d               
1,272
253
Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur
I just want someone I can share my life with who will leave me the fuck alone at all times.
40d               
404
209
nice_mustard @nice_mustard
southern political ad: "one time, candidate bob whitedude touched a mexican. can you believe that shit? vote for me instead, bill richwhite"
40d               
204
81
Paige @PeachCoffin
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┳┻|⊂ノ new emojis?
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40d               
153
31
000___000 @000___000
[jay leno voice] have you heard about this constant state of global war and impending environmental catastrophe? kevin, you hear about this?
40d               
582
265
wint @dril
i had my jeans bronzed as an infant. and they still fit mother fucker
40d               
1,172
397
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Well, I guess work may have found out about Twitter. Probably just a coincidence though. pic.twitter.com/Jjy3Klce4m
40d               
173
19
Twitnter is Coming @OhNoSheTwitnt
One of the most enjoyable and intelligent people to follow on this moronic site is @000___000. I've been doing it my whole Twitter life. #FF
40d               
10
1
000___000 @000___000
@UNTRESOR *is politely silent*
40d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Pingo, Urple Pingo @UrplePingo
I got to where I am with hard work, tenacity and randomly being born a middle class white man in America
40d               
74
15
Jenna @TheJennaBee
The thunder woke me up from a dream that I was talking to Justin Bieber via FaceTime, so for once I'm a fan of thunder.
40d               
8
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
⚡️this storm is my beautiful boyfriend⚡️
40d               
12
Degenerate Gandhi @Bro_Pair
*in digitally altered voice, face obscured by shadows* I will admit to finding some of Abba catchy. I fear for my life
40d               
27
4
lawblob @lawblob
maybe ET was dying because they kept feeding him candy instead of food.
40d               
814
412
Ezra Koenig @arzE
flags flapping in manhattan
new dorp, new york
gargoyles gargling oil
peak of the empire
top of the rock
40d               
5,922
3,030
Dave @gneicco
The only reason I quit drinking is because I’m addicted to AA.
40d               
13
3
Patrick @pattymo
Ken Jeong is playing an exaggerated version of himself in a new comedy pilot. Refreshing change of pace
40d               
17
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
The internet is one of the greatest inventions ever and I'm just proud to be making it awful every day with the rest of you.
40d               
13
2
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
Given all the love and encouragement I've withheld from my children, they should be much funnier.
40d               
220
45
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
Hey, people constantly tweaking their twitter bio. Relax.
40d               
53
7
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
I've entered the "buys graphic Ts at Target" stage of my life.
40d               
36
4
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Found out I have 11 cavities today and because of the low meth use in my town, my dentist said I set a new record!!! #cavitychamp 🍭🏆
40d               
55
4
thomas violence @thomas_violence
marsupilami: the wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start
40d               
33
7
''Steve'' @extranapkins
It's weird to think about what my life would be like if I had a modicum of self confidence about anything
40d               
29
3
jon hendren @fart
@crushingbort they deliver great deals at a great value
40d in reply to crushingbort               
67
wint @dril
in hell you are forced to smoke weed
40d               
2,521
1,619
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
[gavel] it is law. hitler is now known as bad. next up: we have "man who pushed nirvana baby into pool." monster... or icon? [crowd murmurs]
40d               
254
48
lemons @respected_loner
"Don't have a cowman" bart cries, tears tracing his jaw. marge's body shakes as her stomach expands, the outline of hooves beneath the skin
40d               
52
14
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
I've spent four and a half years on Twitter and boooooyyyyyy are my jokes tired.
40d               
85
8
keply ☁️ @keplyq
alternate fun family road trip game: try not to let your kids see you cry
40d               
46
1
Jake Weisman @weismanjake
I have been in Canada for one hour and I already have free healthcare
41d               
229
44
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
It was after the 6th time my wife said no to a pet otter that I realized I should have bought her a pony as leverage.
41d               
26
1
A Responsible Man @OBiiieeee
Waiting in line at the store I booted up snapchat to pass time. The snap I opened was of a girl masturbating with a piece of corn on the cob
41d               
74
7
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Who do I talk to about getting all the surveillance video of me running to catch trains so I can edit in dinosaurs chasing me?
41d               
68
11
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
Not sure how I feel about US stopping flights to Israel until I've heard from the stand out thespian from the American Pie franchise
41d               
81
27
Gretchen @TheHatIsGood
It's a small line that separates heroes from herpes.
41d               
196
62
Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
i value intellectual conservativism, a smart traditionalism. values define me [texts "please destroy my o ring" to woman unprompted]
41d               
51
6
Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13
I like that part in the movie Cars, where the cars are talking. Seems pretty outlandish, but that's why Disney makes the big bucks.
41d               
213
59
Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander
Girl in her early 20's told me she injects Botox in her face regularly because there's a "huge thinking crease" on her forehead. Thanks, LA!
41d               
24
Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker
Mario Kart Politics:

Republicans believe blue shells only hurt players who work hard.

Democrats believe blue shells make the game fair.
41d               
656
681
Daniel Eastman @danieleastman
Fight Club 2: Chuck Palahniuk Needs Money
41d               
94
50
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Today’s weather will be partly exaggerated with a 137% chance of hyperbole.
41d               
51
4
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
*walks onto TED Talk stage* Funny how one moment you're coaching tee-ball and the next you're on a crusade to get Brendan Frasier deported.
41d               
119
19
Bryen↯ @mr_bryen
I thought Weird Al was dead. I was sadly mistake. Although I think I liked UHF. Or not.
41d               
1
Horton @crushingbort
Next up: it's called "dying," a new kind of unwakeable super-sleep that's leaving doctors everywhere scratching their heads
41d               
590
221
Huge bee in the car @neonwario
disgusting how marvel doesn't have one superhero who's a drunk driver. It's 2014 for christs sake
41d               
87
16
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
Actually it's pronounced "Hole Kogan."
41d               
71
16
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Text I got from my kid today. I think she might be adopted. pic.twitter.com/imbtcP029m
41d               
96
9
Ari Scott @ariscott
I'm sad [deletes]
Ever feel such deep despair th [deletes]
There is so much pain insi [deletes]
BURRITOS RULE LOL [send]
41d               
723
304
Nikki Walter @TurboGrandma
Can't wait to see the new Zach Braff flick, "C'mon Guys! I Tried Really Hard."
41d               
65
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I can't remember — do you use the big fork or the little one on your dinner PopTart?
41d               
78
12
John Lurie @lurie_john
I think I speak on the behalf of everyone when I say - FUCK THIS! FUCK THIS REALLY AND COMPLETELY
41d               
162
59
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