Twopcharts
Favorite Tweets on TwitterYou can check up to the last 200 tweets that are favorited by any unprotected Twitter user.
@
You can also check out this feature on our mobile website
ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
Brandon GutermuthDarfur2009-06-12
@UNTRESOR1,777 days
slayer enthusiast. fang baring feral unicorn. dong merchant. auto didactic sycophant. reverse kegel instructor. team vagussy.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
41,90762617,6441,967104,218
We found 199 favorite tweets.
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
4 of 5 dentists agree to brush each other's teeth erotically, the other one watches and huffs nitrous.
23m               
37
12
Diablo Cody @diablocody
If I ever had drinks with George Clooney, he could club a harp seal and I'd just nod in assent.
27m               
52
19
AKA @ACanalPanama
@UNTRESOR "I was gonna say free, jerk," he gasps. His last breath has been...
27m in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Jen Statsky @jenstatsky
If you've ever thought #ParksandRec should be an hour-long & have Michelle Obama in the cast, no spoilers but DEFINITELY watch tonight! 8pm!
28m               
33
5
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
@UNTRESOR motion to remain dear friends
35m in reply to UNTRESOR               
6
1
a. spaceman @adamrensch
Who cares if Avril Lavigne is racist. She married the leader singer of Nickelback. She's not even a person anymore.
1h               
57
31
Brian Gaar @briangaar
My album is coming out on April 29th on itunes, spotify, amazon, etc. I worked really hard on it & hope y'all like it pic.twitter.com/NuICFg7ej9
1h               
276
40
stefan @boring_as_heck
Sen. Toasty Clipart (R-GA) likens Cliven Bundy to "a Voltron made out of patriots. Paul Revere is the head. Nathan Hale is one of the arms."
1h               
76
6
Shannon Belle @ShannonBellle
@UNTRESOR @connie_robin
3h in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
*rubs genie's lamp* I'd like the arrogant pride and isolated fame of a small town church organ player.
3h               
56
9
keith buckley @deathoftheparty
my high school bully sent me a friend request on FB. i will prove to him how well adjusted ive become by constantly posting online.
3h               
230
72
a. spaceman @adamrensch
I had no idea Joan Rivers was in Saw. pic.twitter.com/jbMuC0Vmw0
4h               
44
10
dwayne @collatingbones
Banker at GS. Models and bottles. Bout that Financial District life, ya heard... Looking for an older women to carve and mutilate my balls.
4h               
65
5
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
My work hours are 7:00 AM 3:30 PM and my boss scheduled a meeting with me for 4 PM. Guessing the topic will be passive aggressive behavior.
4h               
55
12
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
*2 ducks are smoking e-cigs*
"Ay bro what flavor vape u rockin?"
"Bread yo. This shit is tight"
"Hell yeahh playa. I got dat bubblegum"
5h               
659
353
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
@UNTRESOR !!!!! this is great news. putting this gem on etsy, then. I'll give you 90%.
5h in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Jason Miller @longwall26
My neighborhood is going to Hell in a handbasket pic.twitter.com/tihLuEsdHQ
6h               
83
11
Shane Murphy @Shanehasabeard
I think I might go catch a baseball game down at Citizens Bank park, eat a Bank of America hot dog, maybe take a few Wells Fargo breaths
6h               
40
2
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
I called my daughter Peter all morning and it was probably the best decision I'll make this week.
6h               
9
Gretch @gentilecoont
I'd prefer you didn't blast my tits off with a bazooka, but this is America and therefore I support your right to do so.
7h               
21
1
dwayne @collatingbones
Dude can you not vape in my son's nursery

*I blow a perfect vapor ring that morphs into a middle finger as it floats towards the baby*
7h               
594
159
Brian Gaar @briangaar
People in their 40s are never laughing at anything funny
19h               
277
63
Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible
hello darkness, my old friend pic.twitter.com/dCl0ToMd5r
20h               
97
11
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
I like when ppl get mad that untalented ppl get famous like fame isn't some kind of karmic boot camp
22h               
46
4
Ashley Feinberg @ashfein
*pours glitter into a bucket * hi and welcome to my etsy shop
23h               
93
15
lawblob @lawblob
we can only assume the answer to all 4 is “you’re goddamn right he is” pic.twitter.com/yfcz6TVT40
1d               
178
71
Jessie @NicCageMatch
One reason to have cats and not kids is when one of my cats pukes all I have to do is sit back and wait for another one to eat it.
1d               
64
9
Jessie @NicCageMatch
Ah, yes, William Shakespeare. Billy, we used to call him. Nice guy. He wrote the Star-Spangled Banner as I recall.
1d               
38
11
Jacy Catlin @ieatanddrink
A good sports analogy for my life is to imagine a baseball player attempting a bunt, missing the ball, then running to sit down on 3rd base
1d               
497
242
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
So long as phones can scroll or Wi-Fi connect,
So long lives this, and this gives life to selfie.
1d               
36
3
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Nor shall h8ters @’s thou troll'st in his comments,
When in eternal emojis to time thou Like'st:
1d               
20
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
But thy eternal Avi shall not fade,
Nor deactivating that account thou ow'st;
1d               
22
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
And every Mayfair on Mayfair sometime degrades,
By chance or selfie's changing resolution uncrop'd;
1d               
22
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Sometime too pixel’d the filter of Instagram shines,
And often is his grainy complexion dimm'd;
1d               
21
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Retweets do share the darling posts of May,
And Facebook’s recents hath all too short a date;
1d               
22
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Shall I compare thee to a summer's selfie?
Thou art more favored and more filtered:
1d               
34
3
Jessie @NicCageMatch
A man watches as a woman strips seductively down to only a bra & panties. Then he takes off his clothes, revealing the same bra & panties.
1d               
61
12
Wile E. Quixote @ScottLinnen
Let's get re-Barded in here.
Will.i.am Shakespeare
1d               
100
31
A Responsible Man @OBiiieeee
palms are sweaty, knees weak,arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, dad's lasagna, mom left 4yrs ago, he's trying his hardest
1d               
489
282
android clone @sadclone
@UNTRESOR i liked that movie too brandon
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Churlish @Cryptoterra
@UNTRESOR and the crowd goes wild
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Nack @juniorshabidoo
@UNTRESOR Now you're just making shit up.
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
3
conzor @clynque
@UNTRESOR good one
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
MOM! MOM! MOM! @FrozenSighs
@juicymorsel NO. IT'S BROKEN 😭 pic.twitter.com/LZWymGLec1
1d in reply to juicymorsel               
2
DVS @DVSblast
broaden your horizons this summer by letting the potato chip bag of your skin pop open and having all the skeleton chips fly out
1d               
50
18
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
@UNTRESOR a thing I invented when my phone autocorrected rainy to taint one day. you'll be tripping over studios within the next few months!
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
shauna @goldengateblond
I had dinner at 4pm if anyone needs a meemaw or anything.
1d               
26
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
Drake: I want your hot love and emotion inside of me
Me: Dude
1d               
79
10
Helena Bottom-Farter @solikebasically
Reading your tweets pic.twitter.com/gVmqmBdSme
1d               
29
3
a. spaceman @adamrensch
Throw my lifeless body into surgery with a note that says "sorry to throw a Rensch into your operation."
1d               
42
3
000___000 @000___000
i picked which teeth i still want to have when i'm old. i only take care of those ones. the other ones can go to hell imo. fuck those teeth.
1d               
31
4
kelly @mmesurly
I think maybe the only way I can find time to take college courses is to go to jail
1d               
100
14
000___000 @000___000
what's the latest ridiculous subculture i can feel superior toward online w impunity. like i could just mention it for a cheap derisive joke
1d               
21
10
Lindsay @quintywinties
Honestly what the fuck are any of you talking about
1d               
59
14
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
lmao
1d               
41
8
Tricia @Im_Tricia
@UNTRESOR LOL girls can't orgasm.
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
8
1
Tricia @Im_Tricia
Boy meets girl.
Girl likes boy.
Boy wants to "keep it casual."
Girl begrudgingly agrees.
Boy starts dating someone else.
1d               
101
19
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
NYPD
1d               
1
Patrick @pattymo
A Walmart heiress is divorcing her husband, Bo Dubbert. Bo Dubbert is a man's name.
1d               
17
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
@UNTRESOR You HAVE to, man. *sips latte* You HAVE to.
1d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Jeb Lund @Mobute
Now watch this drive.
1d               
32
1
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Got into a fight on FB bc I said The Bangles' "Hazy Shade of Winter" is the best cover of all time and long story short I blocked my cousin.
1d               
49
1
The Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
i was dipped in energy drink by my ankle at birth. i'm the hero of the midwest and i will prove it by surviving this brutal paintball attack
1d               
34
5
shelby fero @shelbyfero
pic.twitter.com/nSCsQV0qg1
1d in reply to shelbyfero               
207
6
shelby fero @shelbyfero
I'd describe my style as "your nephew Trevor."
1d               
271
33
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
@Smethanie @UNTRESOR That's beautiful.
1d in reply to Smethanie               
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
@Smethanie Don't lie, that was really Brandon, we know it.
1d in reply to Smethanie               
2
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
My 6-year-old had a tick on him and rather than pull it out, he asked if I could leave it in so he could get super powers and be "Tickman."
1d               
71
7
michael @michaeljhudson
man those dating apps are for absolute fucking losers. *hits on ladies via DM*
1d               
39
1
Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond
In honor of Earth Day I blasted some crust punks with a pressure washer.
1d               
83
32
Trevor Moore @itrevormoore
When ur BFF wears the SAME outfit as u 2 school. But then her dad dies and she has to go home halfday! #100K2hrs pic.twitter.com/xDIytfNW74
1d               
245
184
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
This was always my least favorite level in Mario pic.twitter.com/MhSfgou1FG
1d               
257
59
Dan Gagliardi @asimplemachine
Your wife leaves you for Subway Jared and when he pulls up in his Trans Am to drive off with her he says "Babe get in the fucking car babe"
2d               
14
1
Sean Thomason @TheThomason
Earth Days was the worst days / Now we sip fossil fuels when we thirst-ay
2d               
46
14
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
Objection Your Honor. I'm supposed to be tried by a jury of my peers but I have no p-
*12 clones of Brad Pitt walk in*
Well fuck me
2d               
313
84
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
When I open the Sriracha and a bunch squirts out on its own I tell it that it’s okay, it happens to a lot of hot sauces.
2d               
205
44
Jessie @NicCageMatch
Well hello there pic.twitter.com/fBCffivxXt
2d               
27
1
000___000 @000___000
i've been prescribed a medication with side effects that can lead to death for 1 in 10,000 people but i don't wanna get my hopes up too much
2d               
78
15
Daniel Humann @dhumann
@UNTRESOR You could post a curly brace and people would favorite it. I am in awe.
2d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Megan Amram @meganamram
I am V. OVERJOYED to announce the COVER and PREORDER of my upcoming BOOK "SCIENCE...FOR HER!": bit.ly/1f0YQif
2d               
598
246
Rick Wilson @rckwlsn
@UNTRESOR I just want to say that I am really enjoying this news feed. Straight to the point. No bullshit.
2d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Patrick @pattymo
@UNTRESOR finger on the pulse, brother
2d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Alicia Hawkes @AliciaHawkes
That's right, girl, let those motivational memes carry you thru this divorce.
2d               
133
26
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
@UNTRESOR this account is my favorite news source
2d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
@UNTRESOR <3
2d in reply to UNTRESOR               
6
michael @michaeljhudson
Gimme 3 waffle tacos, served in a bag of garbage juice and a baja blast mimosa thank u
2d               
36
3
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
My son said "Mommy, I love you because you like jokes, love me, are really nice and don't have hairy legs."
2d               
98
8
Helena Bottom-Farter @solikebasically
Literally whispered "I got some nutty, buttery undertones for ya" over some cheese at Whole Foods & a man in fucking overalls frowned at me
2d               
68
10
Brent @murrman5
*hands bank teller a note*
ReMaiN CaLM tHiS a RoBbErY
YoU AlSo HaVe SpInAcH iN yO tEeTH
NoT tHaT OnE
BeSide ThE POiNtY OnE
oK YoU GOt iT
2d               
250
72
a. spaceman @adamrensch
If you're ever on a plane going down, throw your hands up like you're on a roller coaster. Maybe you can start a wave goodbye.
2d               
70
18
The Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
JEREMY JACK: what's your method, dude?
THIEF [voice masked]: locks are just signs saying "take this shit"
JEREMY JACK: fuck
2d in reply to swarthyvillain               
40
1
The Hot Take Man @swarthyvillain
This is Jeremy Jack with Vice. my cig has no filter, and neither does our interviewee, a career thief who says he's a "psychological fuck"
2d               
49
5
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?"
"Sir those are toothpicks"
"I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"
2d               
2,276
1,312
Jason Miller @longwall26
Just listen to the song, Susan. Everything I am...everything I want to be...is in this song.
*plays "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough"*
3d               
57
7
jon hendren @fart
i listen to avicii when i trim my beard and work at my veg garden co-op and ride my bike over to the reclaimed warehouse to sip a craft brew
3d               
100
30
keith buckley @deathoftheparty
i just realized that it was called "Drastic Park" because having dinosaurs there it made it drastically different than any other park
3d               
209
183
cup & ball hog @chuchugoogoo
keep honking, I'm vaping
3d               
52
8
wint @dril
please check out my new article "Allergy Season is Fucking Good Actually" which will shatter your precious little minds and make yo'u cry
3d               
893
307
Horton Atonto @crushingbort
What idiot named them "Jet Skis" instead of "boatercycles"? Now, we have no hope, no jobs and no cash. *cop starts breakdancing* oppa gangna
3d               
184
29
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
She's a sassy lawyer divorcé named Miranda and she's on the prowl. The catch? She can only turn right. This fall on CBS, Miranda Rights
3d               
288
76
dwayne @collatingbones
lemme get a triple no foam soy latte with something else ridiculous and make it Boston strong will ya
3d               
130
28
lawblob @lawblob
if you see a woman crying in mcdonalds it means the new breakfast sandwich is somehow even better than she expected
3d               
331
124
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Restaurants are always trying to "tempt" you with dessert. Dude, I'm an adult. I can have like six Snickers bars when I get home if I want.
3d               
2,079
1,644
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"U risen?" - Jesus sext
3d               
147
44
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I imagine my ex laughing maniacally while shoving fistful after fistful of green plastic grass into the baskets he sent home with the kids.
3d               
62
2
Aaron Blitzstein @BlitznBeans
This hour of Twitter is brought to you by Manwich. Next time they ask what's for dinner tell them, "Manwich. Wet meat in a fuckin' can."
3d               
73
11
Helena Bottom-Farter @solikebasically
I'm at the crib like "describe the dick to me" pic.twitter.com/CsDQPUvXYY
3d               
63
8
kelly @mmesurly
gimme an app that'll tell me where the fewest people are. push notifications when people leave town. alerts when the grocery store is empty
3d in reply to mmesurly               
2,034
1,292
kelly @mmesurly
oh an app that will introduce me to humans? jesus fucking christ no thank you
3d               
590
243
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
"When I walked in I said 'you rose from the dead and I can't even get a soufflé to rise' and everybody roared." - Jesus' gay friend
3d               
509
231
John V @wettbutt
pewiod. end of stowy. i wowk hawd and i play hawdew. in mba school me and my fwat pushed a howmless owd man into a wavine
3d               
650
159
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Dressing your children in pastel colors on Easter won't not make them dickheads.
4d               
533
289
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
Yeah, it's 4/20, so yeah, I'm smokin'...a HAM! Ha ha! This is a joke tweet, but srsly, He is risen & whatever
4d               
812
392
nice_mustard @nice_mustard
honey, i'm not sure how to tell you this *slams jim morrison poster on table* apparently our kid is an asshole
4d               
510
181
rob delaney @robdelaney
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A marijuana “joint,” even once, permanently robs you of the use of your legs & pænus.
4d               
2,996
1,774
Jenna @TheJennaBee
Did my hair. pic.twitter.com/Ye1C27ViL2
4d               
13
Mark Hoppus @markhoppus
@UNTRESOR @BuckyIsotope That's understandable. Both that you cried and also that your girlfriend would want to break up with you.
4d in reply to UNTRESOR               
17
1
Ed Lee @smedlee
Jesus died for your sins and Frederica Bimmel died for Buffalo Bill's skins HAPPY EASTER
4d               
29
2
Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond
Jesus may have lived as a hippie, but his death and resurrection were decidedly Metal.
4d               
223
143
lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren
if being passed out for 3 days & woken up by a prostitute is the criteria i know a lot of guys who are more jesus like than they think
4d               
150
58
rob delaney @robdelaney
Only One can unshackle you from the chains of weed addiction. That One is The Risen Christ. Hit "follow" on His Truth today.
4d               
1,284
765
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
Change the letter order in 'A Happy Easter' and you get 'Paas Hate-Pyre', which, coincidentally, is how I'm celebrating today.
4d               
40
6
Drew Schnoebelen @Dschnoeb
Happy Easter! please send nudes. thanks.
4d               
15
2
kelly @mmesurly
lifehack: drive past every golf course with your hand on the horn just in case you catch somebody mid-swing
4d               
116
15
Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw
my Easter bonnet is a just a Burger King crown with condoms stapled to it
4d               
683
238
Nack @juniorshabidoo
"It's sort of like text messaging jokes to strangers. Also Hitler is a really big deal on there."
4d               
13
Jessie @NicCageMatch
Happy Cinqo de Mayo! RIP Steve Jobs.
4d               
42
11
Mark Hoppus @markhoppus
Happy Easter! 🎃
4d               
2,124
1,934
Adrienne Airhart @craydrienne
I feel like Jesus wouldn't have hidden the eggs so well because he actually wanted kids to FIND them jeez mom you're such a bully
4d               
37
7
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
HE HAS RISEN
4d               
6
kelly @mmesurly
@UNTRESOR I'll kick your ass, Brandon
4d in reply to UNTRESOR               
5
Seaman Staines @SeamanStainz
@UNTRESOR Man! I feel like a Mormon.
4d in reply to UNTRESOR               
4
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
This chocolate bunny is to die for. Thanks, Jesus!
4d               
78
19
pascalle @frenchielaboozi
was jesus the son of god? are we alone in the universe? did i put two tampons in?
4d               
60
13
kelly @mmesurly
in real life my Easter plans include 6 super soakers and 20+ cream pies; indeed, he is risen
4d               
45
4
Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond
You never see the Easter Bunny and Steve Harvey in the same place.
4d               
204
116
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Happy Easter. The day we celebrate Princess Anna's ultimate sacrifice and act of true love that resulted in her resurrection.
4d               
62
37
Carice van Houten @caricevhouten
Happy easter ! pic.twitter.com/0EzUcwSZi9
4d               
375
474
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
Son, in my day there was no internet porn. We had to pause Chun Li's high kick just right so you could kinda see her panties.
4d               
407
146
rob delaney @robdelaney
RT @peoplemag: Are comedians sexier than the general population? pic.twitter.com/zrKJtZeJAi
4d               
968
172
Ceej @ceejoyner
quick question about the soup of the day will it bring faint hope or only feed the darkness
4d               
440
154
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Hid half of the kids' Easter candy in plastic eggs throughout the house and the other half in my digestive system.
4d               
67
11
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
@tigersgoroooar I wouldn't shave if I had red bush potential. I'd get a clown nose clit piercing and never wear pants.
4d in reply to tigersgoroooar               
11
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Remember that time you saw your mom's giant bush when you were little? That bush is now gray or perhaps worse: shaven. Happy Saturday!
4d               
56
12
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
When asked to bring food to a party, I think, finally, an opportunity to roll up my sleeves and show people that I really can buy chips
4d               
438
152
wint @dril
[man leans into doorway of WTC bathroom]
"Hey, you gotta finish up in there. 9/11 is happening."
"Alright. Just a sec."
4d               
1,829
538
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Saw a woman asking her husband his opinion on nearly identical curtains and felt so bad I was tempted to drop to my knees and blow him.
4d               
140
24
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
The universal sign for "I'm going to Ikea" is to make a finger gun and point it at your own head.
4d               
93
30
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
I just paid the department store Easter Bunny 30 bucks extra to surprise maul my son.
4d               
70
7
Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett
A group of IHOP waitresses is called a Charlene.
4d               
124
33
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYEING yells the Easter Bunny at his helpers. They roll their eyes and draw dicks on the eggs.
5d               
231
76
Jacy Catlin @ieatanddrink
Whoa, did you guys see Papa John's press conference?! pic.twitter.com/iSL5fcQHlq
5d               
397
156
Paige @PeachCoffin
The opposite of John Cougar Mellencamp is Hooker Wolf Beefmotel.
5d               
338
159
Zachary? @GreenishDuck
The fuck happened last night bro? pic.twitter.com/AaxSOfjE28
5d               
41
6
Michael McDonald @mcdonaldcomedy
The face of a girl who finds bees to be delicious. pic.twitter.com/UiVSaJOw7G
5d               
27
2
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
It's not that I'm necessarily "honing" my comedy skills, it's more like I'm licking them and sticking them to a garbage wall.
5d               
29
3
michael @michaeljhudson
@UNTRESOR I hate nudes. Here's my number. NEVER SEND ANY.
5d in reply to UNTRESOR               
4
a. spaceman @adamrensch
Anyone else remember happiness? pic.twitter.com/SSN51fOMvs
5d               
96
23
a. spaceman @adamrensch
This new backpack is defective. pic.twitter.com/AeKOwamn2u
5d               
92
6
Jason Miller @longwall26
Have a Blessed Easter or Die Trying
5d               
141
36
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
Why doesn't coffee come out of faucets yet? This is America.
5d               
194
116
Colin Cosell @Cosell
Start your day knowing that a Katy Perry song made a new generation learn the name Jeffery Dahmer.
5d               
5
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
When I was 8, I accidentally lit a girl's hair on fire with a candle during a Good Friday church service. It smelled SO bad.
5d               
79
7
priscilla @BBW_BFF
getting ready for a big date pic.twitter.com/c653Ikd9n3
5d               
29
1
John O'Connor @johntoconnor
*flips over a police car* CROSSFIT
5d               
37
5
priscilla @BBW_BFF
my ride's here pic.twitter.com/cCGkhdsuiv
5d               
45
5
patrick @tastefactory
I think McDonald's has a staff member whose job it is to go into the bathroom once an hour and urinate all over the toilet seats.
5d               
198
65
chris @BassoonJokes
easter mass 3 hours in: "get lucky" starts playing, smoke fills church, jesus with a daft punk helmet dances down aisle to ravenous applause
5d               
72
34
michael @michaeljhudson
The 25-30 year old dude doing a Cartman impression can give you the name of DUI lawyers
5d               
69
10
Sean Brewster @TheSeanBrewster
Humans Were Given The Power Of The Internet And You Won't Believe What They Did With It Next
5d               
23
6
Ally Maynard @missmayn
An effective diet is watching men hit on their waitresses.
5d               
46
5
Paige @PeachCoffin
My microwave display always says "enjoy your meal" I call him Mike he is my most trusted friend
5d               
240
53
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
Colton Burpo
5d               
2
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
The year is 2024. American Apparel billboards are now closeups of vulvas.
5d               
153
20
desi jedeikin @DesiJedeikin
ADORBS! pic.twitter.com/Acs8LZdlqO
5d               
72
32
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
"I bet we could go and come back. Never mind. Wave, he sees us." - Jesus' gay friend
5d               
323
114
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
"God, this is so sad. How long do we have to stay? 'Cause I feel like he could be up there awhile." - Jesus' gay friend
5d               
259
105
Jacy Catlin @ieatanddrink
How I live. pic.twitter.com/MASx367NAI
5d               
222
69
Brian Gaar @briangaar
Can’t wait for my kid's awkward silence when her friends brag about their dads serving in Iraq and Afghanistan
5d               
140
19
Peter Serafinowicz @serafinowicz
This Easter, do something inspired by God's love, even if it's just sending your child to a distant planet to be tortured and killed.
5d               
414
438
lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren
i wonder if jesus knew it was good friday when he didn't have to use his AK
5d               
107
57
Brian Gaar @briangaar
#HeavenIsForRealMovie pic.twitter.com/34dH4XI6Dv
5d               
190
59
Amber Eeeeeee @rare_basement
weird i dont like the hoodie swimsuit bc it only seems useful for my favorite beach activities: looking sullen and not going in the water
5d               
67
10
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
When will the Japanese begin to celebrate women's fudge? pic.twitter.com/9vqpCJ3t9G
5d               
224
69
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Only pedophiles drink Wild Cherry Pepsi.
5d               
347
191
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
sarah cynthia sylvia stout was a novice
5d               
21
3
Scott Carbone @scarbone1
I usually get the Adolf. Lil bit of everything RT @UNTRESOR: I'm at Chick-Fil-A. Which sandwich is better, the Gay Basher or the Jew Killer?
5d               
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
New game: Take a drink every time a white dude with dreadlocks says "society"
6d               
578
247
Sean Thomason @TheThomason
The internet experience is mostly learning why things you thought you liked are actually lame and bad.
6d               
48
13
Brandon Scott Wolf @BrandonEsWolf
*stars own tweet* I earned this
6d               
43
10
MattyTalks @mattytalks
I'm sorry I referred to your baby as a "fucked up translucent Capri sun full of shit pudding"
6d               
102
27
lawblob @lawblob
sometimes I pull out a flask and take a swig of papa johns garlic butter sauce. I’m not proud of it.
6d               
236
84
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
“It was your parents the whole time.” - M. Easter Bunny Shyamalan
6d               
118
54
Larry @VocabuLarry
Mommy! Daddy! Wake up. IT'S FOLLOW FRIDAY. pic.twitter.com/NXPrgTsRg3
6d               
25
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
I am fired up for today. Gonna post some memes, do some tweets then it's song lyrics on tumblr all goddamn afternoon. Gonna be sick
6d               
145
21
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
My coworker who won't see Noah because it's "historically inaccurate" is sad because she loved Gladiator so much.
6d               
216
64
kelly @mmesurly
just like that old saying, "red sky at night, sailors' delight. xanax before 8am, mmhhpphghnn"
6d               
219
41
Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw
my favorite yoga pose is "not in a million fucking years"
6d               
957
402
Nathan Buckley @duplicitron
I wish Funny Or Die had a middle button that was like this isn't that funny to me but I do not necessarily want you to be dead.
6d               
266
46
For remarks, suggestions and complaints, you can contact us at: info@twopcharts.com. On Twitter you can find us here: @gl_twop_1000