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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
UNTRESORDarfur2009-06-12
@UNTRESOR1,921 days
slayer enthusiast. fang baring feral unicorn. dong merchant. auto didactic sycophant. reverse kegel instructor. team vagussy.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
41,59165018,0391,979104,220
We found 195 favorite tweets.
scru2luse @scru2luse
Well folks...in other news..
38d               
2
thomas violence @thomas_violence
"the secret to acting," i say, pausing to pick lint off my turtleneck sweater, "is pretending to be someone else. someone not you"
38d               
71
21
scru2luse @scru2luse
You think it's small now!?
You should have seen it before you took your clothes off!!
38d               
2
Mark Reek Hoppus @markhoppus
*paul simon voice*
🎶i can call you theon
and theon when you call me
you can call me reek, call me reek🎶
38d               
854
374
keply ☁️ @keplyq
good job pic.twitter.com/t59GXfPuhO
38d               
42
4
MattyTalks @mattytalks
If I had any real standards I'd unfollow anyone who regularly makes vines and delete this account
39d               
32
1
Ray @dragnut
┓┏┓┏┓┃
┛┗┛┗┛┃\○/
┓┏┓┏┓┃ / THE
┛┗┛┗┛┃ノ)
┓┏┓┏┓┃ TOILET
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃ SEAT
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃ WAS WET
┃┃┃┃┃┃
┻┻┻┻┻┻
39d               
58
8
Paige @PeachCoffin
You don't so much eat a Nature Valley granola bar as bite into it so it explodes into a spray of crumbs
39d               
126
14
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
My son would never worry about finding a girl if he could see some of the guys I've been with. So I made a scrapbook. pic.twitter.com/rwp8HmO2Ks
39d               
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23
thomas violence @thomas_violence
uh oh iPhone 6 due to be released soon: looks like all we obtain crumbles under the weight of time and slips through our fingers like dust!
39d               
89
16
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Think I'm officially too creeped out to answer pic.twitter.com/SJ8c09Xfku
40d               
69
11
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
There goes my fantasy of us sipping tiny Frescas while knitting sweaters for the cats together. 😿
40d               
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6
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
pic.twitter.com/n3NRoJ74Iy
40d               
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6
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I'm fun on tinder: pic.twitter.com/ho1tDqLJyx
40d               
84
9
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Sext: I just found a piece of a PopTart in my hair.
40d               
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5
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
What doesn't break you, makes you take Xanax.
41d               
305
200
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I saw a kid clutching a Happy Meal yesterday while waiting outside a curtained room in the ER and it was the most unhappy thing I've seen.
41d               
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6
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Taye needs to bury a body.
Taye buys shovel.
Taye finds secluded place in forest.
Taye grabs shovel.
Taye burns the body.
41d               
37
6
scru2luse @scru2luse
I really miss @UNTRESOR .
where are you?
Poo poo
41d               
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
@UNTRESOR pic.twitter.com/u0WL72Jx0Y
41d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I had to legit dig a booger out of my son's nose today cuz he was convinced it was a spider and his nose hairs were its legs.
42d               
47
3
ballin' ass furlin @thefurlinator
being an adult is like learning for the first time that santa isn't real every single day
42d               
1,184
767
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Gettin pretty #turntup over here, you guys pic.twitter.com/num8T8kQtL
42d               
61
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
The discovery of adult dosage instructions on Flintstones vitamins was all I needed to throw away my daily women's health bullshit ones.
44d               
110
20
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Just learned that cosplay has nothing to do with wearing garish sweaters and eating Pudding Pops.
44d               
58
10
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I personally love drama and games.
45d               
54
9
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
kinda @ Hard Times Cafe instagram.com/p/rI62CkhGJ9/
45d               
1
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Self-improvement is stupid. I'm just trying to not get worse.
45d               
545
320
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
It's not peeing your pants, it's letting the call of nature go to voicemail.
45d               
127
44
complicit @inadumpster
Ebola is actually good
45d               
19
3
MattyTalks @mattytalks
I'm going to buy some yoga pants and start tweeting shit like "Pilates, more like pill lattes (Xanax + Coffee) " then I'll jump off a bridge
45d               
114
24
''max'' @maxlavergne
just eavesdropped on some youths and one said "it was bonnie & clyde 101, dude. shake the fuck out." guess i'll die of old age now
45d               
27
2
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Gwyneth Paltrow arises from a lake of almond milk. "Fetch me my smile," she whisper-screams to her most steadfast servant. He stares in awe.
45d               
123
21
Dan Gagliardi @asimplemachine
I used to cherish days off but now I know that they just force me to reckon with myself. Been staring at my dog all day, trying not to cry.
45d               
9
Patrick @pattymo
Sharknado 3: Fuck You
45d               
28
2
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Blake Lively peers through her kitchen window, watching Martha Stewart's drone circle the neighborhood.
"There it is," she whispers
45d               
79
8
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Just whispered "Oh God" when I sat down at my desk and a moth fluttered by me #cryinthedark
45d               
32
Horton @crushingbort
*dislikes an opinion online* hmmm this person must live in the very lowest level of their parents home
45d               
287
64
Michael @Home_Halfway
What The Hell is Happening And Why Is Everything Scary: A Guide to Living Life
45d               
106
30
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
I love @UNTRESOR. #FF
46d               
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Today was a good day: pic.twitter.com/dCoBstU2Y4
46d               
39
4
RAINBOW SATAN @TPHD
INSTEAD OF SPENDING YOUR MONEY, LAY ON THE GROUND WITHOUT MOVING FOR A VERY LONG TIME
46d               
173
70
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Good morning. I've decided I'm done with this Earth place: pic.twitter.com/snHczcIOOC
46d               
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27
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
It's a good name, but a little long. What if we take 3 of the letters, arrange them randomly & toss a K at the end? How Richard became Dick
47d               
49
8
''Steve'' @extranapkins
I was cruising around downtown today on my Segway, doing a conf call on the Bluetooth whilst eating an Activia, when I noticed #MyDickWasOut
47d               
68
6
''max'' @maxlavergne
heaven diary, day a million: dear diary, still no drama in heaven. getting bored of not making a fuss. wheres the drama.
47d               
23
5
thomas violence @thomas_violence
Swag is for boys, class is for men, healing chants are for elders, death curses are for ancestors, the tongue of the gods is for ancients.
47d               
148
78
Scotty @MarylandMudflap
MOVIE: Ugly girl gets into old sleeping bag at a sleepover, a popular girl farts on her, and when she gets out she is a beautiful princess.
47d               
101
32
lawblob @lawblob
this is the only “meme” my son jaden is allowed to look at on the church computer. pic.twitter.com/oMql88xqEU
47d               
379
119
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
Nurse, this man is bleeding heavily, pass me my Space Jam DVD, stat
[Cracks open beer]
There’s nothing I can do. May as well enjoy myself
47d               
477
171
Mike F @animaldrumss
[at drive thru, loud enough for cars both ahead of and behind me to hear] Yeah I'll take that in EXTRA LARGE. and can I get the MENS VERSION
47d               
118
17
VodkaMom @swarthyvillain
imgur my wife and i are too epically awkward to attend my coworkers funeral. can you photoshop us there??
47d               
31
3
priscilla @BBW_BFF
take me to the d pic.twitter.com/jbioEc8mLy
47d               
66
8
Mike F @animaldrumss
[49 yr old guy shopping for dishwashers] Do you have any that leave some dirt on the dish? I actually think dirt is cool. Im a punk rocker.
47d               
113
27
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
If you want your child to be president: please note. RT @ablington beach reading. pic.twitter.com/SGF3eCMnzL
47d in reply to ablington               
55
7
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
"Please, just tell me the name of the restaurant. Work was insane and I just want to relax. Please." -the Riddler's girlfriend
47d               
110
37
keply ☁️ @keplyq
today I'm gonna buy a shirt that says "THIS IS SWEAT FUCK OFF"
47d in reply to keplyq               
43
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color
47d               
1,839
1,033
wint @dril
breastfeed a celeb today
47d               
842
400
Ceej @ceejoyner
My SPF100 suncape thrashes in the wind. "The tide approaches your sand palace, children. This cold earth will devour everything you build."
47d               
407
89
John Moe @johnmoe
6yo's favorite Weird Al song is Party In the CIA. She does not know what the CIA is. Does not care to find out.
47d               
32
Glenn @justabloodygame
There Will Be Blood (Drama, 2007) A glimpse at an average day in the life of three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Louis. [Rated-R, 158 mins]
47d               
102
28
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Going to see an optometrist for my depression because I've lost the ability to look forward to anything.
47d               
149
44
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
🎶Oops I did it again/I scratched up your couch/Threw up on the floor/Oops you thought I was cute/till I chewed up your boot🎶-Kitteny Spears
47d               
180
64
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
CREATING SOCIAL MEDIA CONTENT
47d               
14
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
Me: (boston accent) That's arbitrary
Guy: What is? Why are you talking like that
Me: Do you like apples
48d               
109
15
Calm Tomb @CalmTomb
"Dude, he's FORGOTTEN more about the Metroid video games than you'll ever know." - what I assume will be whispered about me someday.
48d               
18
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
No one at this farmer's market knows I'm wearing a swim diaper. #SummerFun
48d               
239
57
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Enough with the hard sell, I'll take it pic.twitter.com/7hLrTs8uwi
48d               
355
60
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Ronald Reagan masks are for fucking or robbing banks and that's it.
48d               
83
20
Laura @LadyLardman
The monkey guy sprayed me with beet molasses.
48d               
7
2
Josh @joshbupkes
at the butcher's I worry I'll randomly blink the code where he waves me back to taste the human meat
48d               
72
16
Westy @wwwesty
I'm still drinking out of my Worlds Greatest Dad mug. Recognize.
48d               
3
DigiDan @BronzeHammer
hello darkness my old friend pic.twitter.com/z75hp2Pmnv
48d               
92
6
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Hey, teenage girls, what stupid thing are you into now? I want to crank out a shitty book and turn it into seven movies.
48d               
1,017
520
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
The feeling I get when my 5yo tries to tell me a linear story is exactly what my wife feels like when i try to explain a funny tweet to her.
48d               
165
36
Patrick @pattymo
When she texts first pic.twitter.com/RqtR7nga5b
48d               
47
2
MattyTalks @mattytalks
When one of the truly great dads retires, they honor him by hanging his khakis from the rafters of a Home Depot
48d               
246
73
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
I live in constant fear and I'm depressed and grumpy as hell so I'm basically Batman minus a few million dollars and a fancy belt.
49d               
140
44
Mike F @animaldrumss
Doctor: Nice, nice, reflexes are looking good. Next guy who hits you on the knee is in for the kick of his life. You'll do it automatically.
49d               
518
132
Pauly Miller @Pauly_Miller
@theleanover I stopped watching. Last week esp had too many fake weird things that appeared to be desperation, not good writing
49d in reply to theleanover               
2
Jeb Lund @Mobute
I had this same problem with Uber until I texted them my Klout score (420.69) and now my Uber score is a panther wearing a bandana.
49d               
37
josh mecouch @pants
bone zone pic.twitter.com/kh6J51GV3X
49d               
61
4
thomas violence @thomas_violence
3 types of human action: that driven by hubris, that driven by insecurity & that which is done for vine fame you get for fucking a hotpocket
49d               
54
9
Mike F @animaldrumss
Most people are too stupid to get as many extra napkins as I do at restaurants. Either theyre too scared to ask, or they don't know its free
49d               
132
24
BAKOON @BAKKOOONN
the silent specter of first date diarrhea pic.twitter.com/U2FwCkijmM
49d               
119
30
michael @michaeljhudson
How u feel when u see an ex in public with someone and ur alone pic.twitter.com/npr5nQxfMd
49d               
201
45
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Sorry your daughter has snapchat
49d               
137
37
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
took online quiz 'which Friends character are you?' and I got the child molester from Diff'rent Strokes
49d               
169
48
jomny sun @jonnysun
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF--
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
49d               
1,794
700
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Sunday evening is a 35 minute wait at Macaroni Grill that goes on for 2-3 hours
49d               
29
2
keply ☁️ @keplyq
YOU GUYS I AM PLAYING BASEBALL AND I TRIED TO SPRINT FROM 3RD TO HOME BUT MY LEGS SAID "NO THANKS" AND I JUST SHUT OFF AND LAID DOWN
49d               
98
3
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
My son's message for the stranger who snapchatted me video of him fingering his butt: You shouldn't do that. You'll get poop on your finger.
49d               
71
8
Mike Primavera @primawesome
I've seen a lot of Jesus billboards on this road trip. Call me crazy but I don't think he likes being hung up on display to make a point.
49d               
309
115
lemons @respected_loner
if i saw a celeb eating a big log of shit like it was a hoagie you can bet i would buy a tshirt of it and wear it to my sons funeral
49d               
122
27
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Just barked at someone walking their dog because I thought they were a raccoon and I was trying to scare it away.
50d               
43
3
Adam Wilson @theleanover
http://t.co/S3wZStkfOT
50d               
59
14
Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander
Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
50d               
435
246
keply ☁️ @keplyq
please join me as I look around and and wonder silently: what in the actual hell
50d               
384
147
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
All that seems "natural"--(like the rotary phone, milk in bottles)--is soon revealed to be "unnatural" as it fades from our view.
50d               
60
33
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I'm kinda worried we're under-utilizing the crystal ball emoji, you guys. 🔮
50d               
69
16
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Anything new happening with chairs?
51d               
137
79
rory @rorynotroy
oh well ill just j/o
51d               
34
jon hendren @fart
welcome to divorced dad bed and breakfast. i hope your futon was comfortable. this morning we're serving triscuits w/ room temp nacho cheese
51d               
191
37
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
Well at least we still have nothing to take seriously.
52d               
8
1
MattyTalks @mattytalks
*me pitching a movie script* a guy who uses 20% of his brain but only uses it to win Bar Trivia to pay for his crippling alcoholism
52d               
145
31
scru2luse @scru2luse
Salsa shark.
52d               
1
chuuch @ch000ch
[sneaks a puppy out of a paper bag at the movie theater] u want one bro
52d               
2,664
1,413
VodkaMom @swarthyvillain
i want to have a reality show where i help twitters saddest folks even though all my ideas for self improvement are dangerous and stupid
52d               
44
2
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Thank fucking god pic.twitter.com/TFJltLNLgg
52d               
119
14
Scott @jscottwilson
Titty
Titty
Titty
Nipple
Titty
Titty
52d               
14
Pumpkin Spice McDuck @ORJeffy
Dear god, I love @UNTRESOR
52d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
r milk @rad_milk
i hate it when my ear buds get tangled up around my huge tits and i gotta suck those big boys loose
52d               
142
34
keply ☁️ @keplyq
#50ShadesFanFic and then she realized that she could take responsibility for her own pleasure, and buried him under the garden
52d               
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48
Paige @PeachCoffin
#50ShadesFanFic "Crawl to the bed, slut," he growled, tightening his grip on her leash. Anastasia turned around and chewed his dick off.
52d               
120
15
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
A show called So You Think You Can Dad where cargo short wearing men face challenges like backing into parking spots & eating while standing
52d               
3,662
2,202
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
.@SUBWAY care to comment on this pic.twitter.com/aHJ5JZEuTU
52d               
209
44
Jason Miller @longwall26
I think I'm a pretty happy person and then my hair won't lie down right & I'm all, "The cosmos is a godless shit-show of murder and horror."
52d               
350
133
VodkaMom @swarthyvillain
[my phone buzzes and a jump out of bed]
beautiful woman: come back...
me: i can't. a celebrity just died and i have to say they died pooping
52d               
45
3
Michael @Home_Halfway
*walks up to guy at urinal* Hah hey now I didn't think they allowed snakes in here! I'm just kiddin. I'm Michael. Fuck you're good at pissin
52d               
514
133
sweaty five dollars @iscoff
@UNTRESOR 50 SHADES OF GREYHOUND, AM I RI—*hit by ambulance*
52d in reply to UNTRESOR               
19
1
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
50 Shades of Greyjoy pic.twitter.com/ogOjoiVBsO
52d               
353
251
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
Unsolicited advice from my father. He's very supportive. pic.twitter.com/PANQy91jms
52d               
75
3
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
GOOD MORNING, FARCICAL DEMOCRACIES
52d               
4
Anthony De Rosa @AntDeRosa
I love that TV news today is basically people reading things off Twitter
52d               
129
140
complicit @inadumpster
How many lives am I willing to destroy for my online brand? Well..one, for sure.
52d               
46
7
thomas violence @thomas_violence
@ConorTripler anger bird
52d in reply to ConorTripler               
8
Pauly Casillas? @PaulyPeligroso
Dang I have so much money right now pic.twitter.com/hwnVbd4bV2
52d               
28
14
Michael Raphone, Sr. @michael_raphone
(shaggy guy drinking a white russian leans in close) this is the first time I've said something that wasn't a big lebowski quote since 1998
52d               
77
7
Louis Peitzman @LouisPeitzman
I keep feeling like I must have missed an episode of The Leftovers and then I'm like, it doesn't matter nothing matters at all none of it.
52d               
33
5
dan mentos @DanMentos
[2050, an older married couple in bed]
"Let's do it like we used to do in college"
I dunno…
"Come on"
I guess.
*types into phone* "you up?"
52d               
36
5
jon hendren @fart
i'm just on here looking for web-centric dynamic mobile b2b integrated enterprise marketplace solutions and you show me a tity. you monster
52d               
103
10
Eli Braden @EliBraden
Boyz II Men Who Can't Face the Realities of Adulthood and Remain Fixated on Products and Media Intended For Children #ComicConBands
53d               
116
21
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
Poked my head under the 3-season porch to see if Keith (Richards) needed anything before bed. He asked for a bowl of Kix laced with Unisom.
53d               
32
3
Cool Eric @OBiiieeee
I finally spot a wild butt in the woods. It sees me and booty claps to warn all of the others in the area. My father will not be pleased.
53d               
58
17
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
Well poop on a Pringle™ and call me L O R D O F T H E A I R, B R I N G E R O F L I G H T
53d               
3
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
Give an inch and take a smile.
53d               
3
Sean Thomason @TheThomason
With Cat Power comes Cat responsibility. I wrote most of The Wire.
53d               
87
8
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Another night of my kids going to bed late because I've been too tired to deal with bedtime.
53d               
35
2
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
A family function is a monologue contest.
53d               
6
1
Horton @crushingbort
my taxi is playing that stupid Fancy song and someone should go to jail for gene-splicing this poor woman's vocal chords with a wet fart
53d               
86
20
Pauly Miller @Pauly_Miller
Tell me more of this imaginary time when men didn't help with housework.
53d               
10
1
Jason Miller @longwall26
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
53d               
4,789
2,977
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I woke up to my 5yo trying to unlock my iPhone with my thumbprint.
53d               
303
41
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
"Actually that's a myth-"
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
53d               
1,310
570
rob delaney @robdelaney
i put a lot of work into my lawn & when my wife's teen son from her 1st marriage does "donuts" on it with his dirt bike I seethe with hatred
53d               
1,270
252
Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur
I just want someone I can share my life with who will leave me the fuck alone at all times.
53d               
407
211
nice_mustard @nice_mustard
southern political ad: "one time, candidate bob whitedude touched a mexican. can you believe that shit? vote for me instead, bill richwhite"
53d               
204
81
Paige @PeachCoffin
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53d               
153
31
wint @dril
i had my jeans bronzed as an infant. and they still fit mother fucker
53d               
1,191
400
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Well, I guess work may have found out about Twitter. Probably just a coincidence though. pic.twitter.com/Jjy3Klce4m
53d               
173
19
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
One of the most enjoyable and intelligent people to follow on this moronic site is @000___000. I've been doing it my whole Twitter life. #FF
53d               
9
1
Pingo, Urple Pingo @UrplePingo
I got to where I am with hard work, tenacity and randomly being born a middle class white man in America
53d               
73
15
Jenna @TheJennaBee
The thunder woke me up from a dream that I was talking to Justin Bieber via FaceTime, so for once I'm a fan of thunder.
53d               
8
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
⚡️this storm is my beautiful boyfriend⚡️
53d               
12
Degenerate Gandhi @Bro_Pair
*in digitally altered voice, face obscured by shadows* I will admit to finding some of Abba catchy. I fear for my life
53d               
27
4
lawblob @lawblob
maybe ET was dying because they kept feeding him candy instead of food.
53d               
826
420
Ezra Koenig @arzE
flags flapping in manhattan
new dorp, new york
gargoyles gargling oil
peak of the empire
top of the rock
54d               
6,028
3,062
Dave @gneicco
The only reason I quit drinking is because I’m addicted to AA.
54d               
13
3
Patrick @pattymo
Ken Jeong is playing an exaggerated version of himself in a new comedy pilot. Refreshing change of pace
54d               
17
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
The internet is one of the greatest inventions ever and I'm just proud to be making it awful every day with the rest of you.
54d               
13
2
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
Given all the love and encouragement I've withheld from my children, they should be much funnier.
54d               
220
45
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
Hey, people constantly tweaking their twitter bio. Relax.
54d               
53
7
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
I've entered the "buys graphic Ts at Target" stage of my life.
54d               
36
4
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Found out I have 11 cavities today and because of the low meth use in my town, my dentist said I set a new record!!! #cavitychamp 🍭🏆
54d               
56
4
thomas violence @thomas_violence
marsupilami: the wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start
54d               
33
7
''Steve'' @extranapkins
It's weird to think about what my life would be like if I had a modicum of self confidence about anything
54d               
29
3
jon hendren @fart
@crushingbort they deliver great deals at a great value
54d in reply to crushingbort               
66
wint @dril
in hell you are forced to smoke weed
54d               
2,554
1,630
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
[gavel] it is law. hitler is now known as bad. next up: we have "man who pushed nirvana baby into pool." monster... or icon? [crowd murmurs]
54d               
252
48
lemons @respected_loner
"Don't have a cowman" bart cries, tears tracing his jaw. marge's body shakes as her stomach expands, the outline of hooves beneath the skin
54d               
52
14
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
I've spent four and a half years on Twitter and boooooyyyyyy are my jokes tired.
54d               
86
8
keply ☁️ @keplyq
alternate fun family road trip game: try not to let your kids see you cry
54d               
43
1
Jake Weisman @weismanjake
I have been in Canada for one hour and I already have free healthcare
54d               
229
44
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
It was after the 6th time my wife said no to a pet otter that I realized I should have bought her a pony as leverage.
54d               
26
1
Cool Eric @OBiiieeee
Waiting in line at the store I booted up snapchat to pass time. The snap I opened was of a girl masturbating with a piece of corn on the cob
54d               
74
7
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Who do I talk to about getting all the surveillance video of me running to catch trains so I can edit in dinosaurs chasing me?
54d               
68
11
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
Not sure how I feel about US stopping flights to Israel until I've heard from the stand out thespian from the American Pie franchise
54d               
81
26
complicit @inadumpster
It's a small line that separates heroes from herpes.
54d               
196
62
VodkaMom @swarthyvillain
i value intellectual conservativism, a smart traditionalism. values define me [texts "please destroy my o ring" to woman unprompted]
54d               
50
6
Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13
I like that part in the movie Cars, where the cars are talking. Seems pretty outlandish, but that's why Disney makes the big bucks.
54d               
212
59
Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander
Girl in her early 20's told me she injects Botox in her face regularly because there's a "huge thinking crease" on her forehead. Thanks, LA!
54d               
24
Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker
Mario Kart Politics:

Republicans believe blue shells only hurt players who work hard.

Democrats believe blue shells make the game fair.
54d               
651
680
Daniel Eastman @danieleastman
Fight Club 2: Chuck Palahniuk Needs Money
54d               
95
50
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Today’s weather will be partly exaggerated with a 137% chance of hyperbole.
54d               
51
4
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
*walks onto TED Talk stage* Funny how one moment you're coaching tee-ball and the next you're on a crusade to get Brendan Frasier deported.
54d               
119
19
Bryen↯ @mr_bryen
I thought Weird Al was dead. I was sadly mistake. Although I think I liked UHF. Or not.
54d               
1
Horton @crushingbort
Next up: it's called "dying," a new kind of unwakeable super-sleep that's leaving doctors everywhere scratching their heads
54d               
590
220
Jaw-Droppingly Nice @neonwario
disgusting how marvel doesn't have one superhero who's a drunk driver. It's 2014 for christs sake
54d               
86
16
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
Actually it's pronounced "Hole Kogan."
55d               
71
16
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Text I got from my kid today. I think she might be adopted. pic.twitter.com/imbtcP029m
55d               
97
9
Ari Scott @ariscott
I'm sad [deletes]
Ever feel such deep despair th [deletes]
There is so much pain insi [deletes]
BURRITOS RULE LOL [send]
55d               
1,603
640
Nikki Walter @TurboGrandma
Can't wait to see the new Zach Braff flick, "C'mon Guys! I Tried Really Hard."
55d               
65
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I can't remember — do you use the big fork or the little one on your dinner PopTart?
55d               
78
12
John Lurie @lurie_john
I think I speak on the behalf of everyone when I say - FUCK THIS! FUCK THIS REALLY AND COMPLETELY
55d               
162
59
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