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Unfortunately, after 5 years of providing you with Twitter data, we were now informed by Twitter that Twopcharts is suspended from interacting with the Twitter API for violating the Twitter Terms of Service. At this moment we do not know if and when this situation will be remedied, but for the moment we cannot provide you with data and analytics from Twitter.

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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
UNTRESORDarfur2009-06-12
@UNTRESOR1,937 days
slayer enthusiast. fang baring feral unicorn. dong merchant. auto didactic sycophant. reverse kegel instructor. team vagussy.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
41,40865018,1121,990104,278
We found 199 favorite tweets.
philippe iujvidin @philyuck
@UNTRESOR with the plane
3h in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Steven Macks @semacks
@UNTRESOR BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
3h in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
000___000 @000___000
all ebola does is make you get sick and die which you're gonna do anyway eventually. i don't see what the big deal is.
4h               
149
83
a. spaceman @adamrensch
ever notice how emotionally damaged everyone is
16h               
63
28
keply ☁️ @keplyq
if we make it long enough to be history we're gonna look like such dumbasses
1d               
76
14
Katie Zack @katiefzack
I have no desire to be a stand-up comic. Or a stand-up person, in general. Or standing up.
1d               
24
4
keply ☁️ @keplyq
fuck you if you feel entitled to anything more than what a person willingly gives you. information, attention, love, touch, whatever
1d               
162
38
dead jonnifer @senderblock23
29. Fiscally conservative but socially liberal. I’m glad women can vote. Chewing food just isn’t for me
1d               
72
4
Good Boy Will Weldon @oldmanweldon
"Truth 1. You Can Get Divorced" RT @KirkCameron 4 Truths to Remember When You Wish You Weren't Married ow.ly/2OoRqg
1d in reply to KirkCameron               
6
1
ghost jessie booo ☠ @NicCageMatch
Someone please tell @UNTRESOR to tweet "Lena Dunham."
2d               
16
ghost jessie booo ☠ @NicCageMatch
Just unfollowed my bliss.
2d               
49
12
Erica Rosie @erica_rosie
Halloween's almost a month away! I better choose a costume! pic.twitter.com/hwNnUotbIK
2d               
22
2
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
3-minute sketch by my 9yo of people I'd never want to meet. pic.twitter.com/8Vr84FM6Oq
4d               
112
7
call me puma now @FilthyMacrame
I'm still trying to muster the energy to get through this day after waking up to a devastating text that said
'what's up bro'
4d               
11
1
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
I stayed up until 3:30 like some kinda gaddamn teenager and I feel it in my joints, friends
4d               
17
1
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
A few questions before I take up running. 1. When you're on the street and not a treadmill, what holds the little TV?
4d               
467
162
nightmare kale witch @deerblanket
baby, I go to Panama City Beach every March. stick with me, you're going places.
4d               
5
LADY @ladybroseph
Now let's say our prayers, sweetie.
Okay, mommy. Dear Beyoncé please keep daddy safe in Iraq and thank you for science.
4d               
710
231
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
I'm pretty good at reading people, and I won't waste your time. These are the names of magazines. Fuck you.
5d               
57
2
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
GOOD MORNING FUCKERS
6d               
2
Comedic Mike @DinkMagic
Computer: shut it down.

Sure thing Mr. Dramatic

What?

Launching shut down protocol in nine digiseconds on your mark.

Uh... mark
6d               
22
3
LADY @ladybroseph
*exhales a cloud of meth smoke* ...and then my dad hugged me and said he was proud of me which happened on a regular basis.
6d               
76
6
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Don't throw your cigarette butts on the ground. Raccoons pick them up and start smoking what's left and soon they'll be cooler than us.
6d               
126
53
Spooky Lozenge @LostCatDog
I'm excited to eat Guy Fieri's Xtreme Wild Honey-Infused Wild Tijuana Spicy Sriracha Wild Apples for Rosh Hashanah this year
6d               
41
5
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
If I had to choose between being imprisoned indefinitely and chatting w/ the ppl in those Samuel Adams ads, I'd lock the cell door myself
6d               
413
174
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
@UNTRESOR every tweet is a new low if we are being completely honest
6d in reply to UNTRESOR               
9
Laura @LadyLardman
Love, lift me up where I belong.
6d               
2
1
stefan @boring_as_heck
BILL O'REILLY: They should invent special bullets that only shoot ISIS members and you can shoot them from anywhere and it finds bad guys.
6d               
482
121
Denise! @Stellacopter
[Does Risky Business slide across floor wearing underwear] I WANT A DIVORCE
7d               
236
52
keply ☁️ @keplyq
if you spend all your life hiding your pain, it's never gonna go anywhere. it'll stay right where it is forever
7d in reply to keplyq               
153
36
keply ☁️ @keplyq
pro tip: if you have something you want to say, think about saying it before you die
7d in reply to keplyq               
138
28
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
Good Cop: tell us where you hid the money

Cop Who Likes Space Jam: Let's watch space jam
8d               
3,438
1,933
Ceej @ceejoyner
Not paying the auto body shop for this paint job. French revolutionaries never wore powdered wigs, they've ruined my lawn mower.
8d               
132
30
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
pic.twitter.com/hxxXrzDhzv
8d               
45
2
Jason Miller @longwall26
Hi, guys, I'm Jason and I'll be leading today's nature hike. Ok, who's ready to immediately get lost and panic-eat something poisonous?
8d               
181
50
MattyTalks @mattytalks
My father, the honorable King Odin Piss Gladiator 911 was slain as he slept by the cowardly assassin Regina Wolfpussy
8d               
44
9
patrick @tastefactory
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
8d               
1,500
632
Elliot @CoolHegel
How about you just stop being poor, you idiot. Stop choosing to be poor.
8d               
28
4
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen
my favorite comedy thought is my dog who loves me and whom I love enthusiastically drinking my blood as I die
8d               
14
2
Mickey McCauley @Mickey_McCauley
most people my age are getting real jobs and im just sitting here wreathed in fire and perceiving all time simultaneously and eating Nutella
8d               
12
2
josh mecouch @pants
@UNTRESOR yes sir. I'll do it
8d in reply to UNTRESOR               
1
Spooky Committee @swarthyvillain
in my opinion, being in a state where we are perpetually murdering the same people with bombs and argue about lena dunham is classic shit
8d               
88
16
Brent @murrman5
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
"she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions"
8d               
1,334
586
josh mecouch @pants
Rugrat Rats pic.twitter.com/aMbR9LXKyU
8d               
214
52
Patrick @pattymo
FITNESS TIP: drink an amount of coffee best described as “a near-fatal dose”, suppress your appetite & physically vibrate for the entire day
8d               
27
6
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
Nothing sadder than a hot person in a wheelchair.
8d               
409
200
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
40s: FUCK
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent
9d               
2,971
1,493
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
@UNTRESOR I've always dreamt of getting fisted by John Mayer
9d in reply to UNTRESOR               
10
1
Patrick James Lynch @pjlynch
@UNTRESOR And projections are that it will be 3x more popular.
9d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
What's your favorite Sigur Ros song? Mine is [sneezes]
"Oh that's my fav song of theirs too"
9d               
102
25
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
FUN GAME:

Jusyyssicklvanek Jysllxjslnnnmmllshcvcysn

Accidental butt text or city in Iceland?
9d               
183
55
Jenna @TheJennaBee
I just saw a female Mennonite walk out of the Shedd Aquarium wearing Crocs.
11d               
5
1
|\/|∆®|{•├┤Ø%û5 @markhoppus
New Song Titles:
1) Updog
2) Unlimited Breadsticks
3) Free U2 Album
4) Follow Friday on Thursday
5) YouTube Comment Section
11d               
4,083
2,525
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
trig slide breakthrough
11d               
1
Friedrice Nietzsche @tinynietzsche
Was ist eine "updog"?
11d               
93
59
LBJohnson @ladybirdj
Tinder is the most reliable way to find out how many DJs live near you.
11d               
119
29
Darnell @Discountdracula
Sexy Anton Chigurh
11d               
9
big tyler @coolsexguy
When the clothes are done drying I'm going to the museum to check out the bog bodies and commune with their spirits.
11d               
6
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
Not meaning to be too real here, but... sometimes I don't believe things I read on the internet.
11d               
15
3
patrick @tastefactory
Don't bother texting God, he won't respond. pic.twitter.com/fGehQKhqrc
11d               
218
71
Nick Wiger @nickwiger
I've never once had a bad experience at a fuddruckers
11d               
38
6
Friedrice Nietzsche @tinynietzsche
oppa wagner style
11d               
77
35
AmberTozer @AmberTozer
One time my dad got mad because I told the pizza delivery guy "this is the first meal we've had all week"
11d               
185
26
Dan Grittner @Boywhiz88
iPhone (@UNTRESOR )
12d               
2
Spooky Lozenge @LostCatDog
The woman I met when I joined this iPhone line just gave birth to our beautiful son, 8 lb. 4 oz. Mackenzi Air Lozenge
12d               
137
39
Pony Starwars @tigersgoroooar
Good morning. If you’re wondering where strippers come from, it’s Missouri.
12d               
85
15
keply ☁️ @keplyq
I have a big thing today and I'm VERY NERVOUS good morning
12d               
47
1
Tom Crabtree @itsCrab
pic.twitter.com/gFBWqYJ1B0
12d               
49
15
Amber Eeeeeee @rare_basement
oh my god ive been sober for eighteen months. time flies when u are not drunk as shit all the time
12d               
281
10
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
TWITTER: If you can make it here, you can make it here more!
13d               
83
6
būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ @BuckyIsotope
@UNTRESOR I learned it from you dad
13d in reply to UNTRESOR               
4
Pat Coughlin @PatCoughlin5
@Kyle_Lippert everything about this is terrible
13d in reply to Kyle_Lippert               
12
1
Eli Terry @EliTerry
in today's lesson i show you how to draw peyton manning pic.twitter.com/Bon5amGXW9
13d               
1,341
1,196
Natalijakae @natalijakae
Guess what @UNTRESOR I will never stop loving you. NEVER. #never #neverstop #neverstoploving #neverstoplovingyou
13d               
1
ghost jessie booo ☠ @NicCageMatch
By now everyone should have picked a fall look. If you haven't chosen a fall look, one will be assigned to you.
14d               
192
49
Comedic Mike @DinkMagic
its endless shrimp at red lobster
14d               
9
3
Calm Tomb @CalmTomb
"Cheryl is a lawyer from Nepal. Diane is 3,000 years old. Jen has a robotic arm. And I'm a panda."
-- Disparate Housewives
14d               
53
15
rob whisman @robwhisman
well shit pic.twitter.com/xAYHjGPo8R
14d               
502
91
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
Realizing that some of you guys' idea of intelligence is very different from mine.
14d               
52
3
Mike F @animaldrumss
[someone shows me some extremely fucked up shit] Yeah... thats kinda fucked up i guess. guess Im just desensitized, from my websites i go to
14d               
173
21
lisa goodwin @LisaGoodwin1
My 92 year old uncle died and I told my kids it was because of drugs. I tell them everyone who dies was a drug abuser. I'm a great mom!
14d               
26
1
ibid @ibid78
I yearn for simpler times. When men were men (or possibly gods taking the shape of men). When horses had wings. When dragons were an issue.
14d               
168
74
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
Everybody Loves Nobody
14d               
4
Don Nichols @TheDairylandDon
Pizza Hut added bacon to the cheese in the stuffed crust because sending one of their drivers to straight up strangle you is still illegal.
15d               
247
66
Trevor S @trevso_electric
How to be funny:
1. Be born funny.
15d               
558
319
Chris Thayer @ChrisThayerSays
Too self-conscious to live, too horny to die.
19d               
159
47
s @septembawest
My anaconda might consider it
20d               
1,804
1,321
Friedrice Nietzsche @tinynietzsche
a group of people is called a hell
29d               
3,057
2,136
Ristolable @Ristolable
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
48d               
17,251
8,760
eric @dubstep4dads
iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires
50d               
11,300
7,992
scru2luse @scru2luse
Well folks...in other news..
54d               
2
thomas violence @thomas_violence
"the secret to acting," i say, pausing to pick lint off my turtleneck sweater, "is pretending to be someone else. someone not you"
54d               
71
21
scru2luse @scru2luse
You think it's small now!?
You should have seen it before you took your clothes off!!
54d               
2
1
|\/|∆®|{•├┤Ø%û5 @markhoppus
*paul simon voice*
🎶i can call you theon
and theon when you call me
you can call me reek, call me reek🎶
54d               
850
373
keply ☁️ @keplyq
good job pic.twitter.com/t59GXfPuhO
55d               
43
4
MattyTalks @mattytalks
If I had any real standards I'd unfollow anyone who regularly makes vines and delete this account
55d               
32
1
Ray @dragnut
┓┏┓┏┓┃
┛┗┛┗┛┃\○/
┓┏┓┏┓┃ / THE
┛┗┛┗┛┃ノ)
┓┏┓┏┓┃ TOILET
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃ SEAT
┛┗┛┗┛┃
┓┏┓┏┓┃ WAS WET
┃┃┃┃┃┃
┻┻┻┻┻┻
56d               
58
8
Paige @PeachCoffin
You don't so much eat a Nature Valley granola bar as bite into it so it explodes into a spray of crumbs
56d               
126
14
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
My son would never worry about finding a girl if he could see some of the guys I've been with. So I made a scrapbook. pic.twitter.com/rwp8HmO2Ks
56d               
81
24
thomas violence @thomas_violence
uh oh iPhone 6 due to be released soon: looks like all we obtain crumbles under the weight of time and slips through our fingers like dust!
56d               
89
16
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Think I'm officially too creeped out to answer pic.twitter.com/SJ8c09Xfku
56d               
68
11
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
There goes my fantasy of us sipping tiny Frescas while knitting sweaters for the cats together. 😿
56d               
42
6
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
pic.twitter.com/n3NRoJ74Iy
56d               
52
6
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I'm fun on tinder: pic.twitter.com/ho1tDqLJyx
56d               
84
9
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Sext: I just found a piece of a PopTart in my hair.
57d               
63
5
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
What doesn't break you, makes you take Xanax.
57d               
305
199
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I saw a kid clutching a Happy Meal yesterday while waiting outside a curtained room in the ER and it was the most unhappy thing I've seen.
57d               
43
6
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Taye needs to bury a body.
Taye buys shovel.
Taye finds secluded place in forest.
Taye grabs shovel.
Taye burns the body.
57d               
37
6
scru2luse @scru2luse
I really miss @UNTRESOR .
where are you?
Poo poo
57d               
1
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
@UNTRESOR pic.twitter.com/u0WL72Jx0Y
57d in reply to UNTRESOR               
2
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I had to legit dig a booger out of my son's nose today cuz he was convinced it was a spider and his nose hairs were its legs.
58d               
47
3
ballin' ass furlin @thefurlinator
being an adult is like learning for the first time that santa isn't real every single day
58d               
1,746
1,087
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Gettin pretty #turntup over here, you guys pic.twitter.com/num8T8kQtL
59d               
61
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
The discovery of adult dosage instructions on Flintstones vitamins was all I needed to throw away my daily women's health bullshit ones.
60d               
110
20
Joel Ingersoll @FlyoverJoel
Just learned that cosplay has nothing to do with wearing garish sweaters and eating Pudding Pops.
61d               
57
10
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I personally love drama and games.
61d               
53
9
Gosh Heck @heckadecimal
kinda @ Hard Times Cafe instagram.com/p/rI62CkhGJ9/
61d               
1
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Self-improvement is stupid. I'm just trying to not get worse.
61d               
546
319
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
It's not peeing your pants, it's letting the call of nature go to voicemail.
61d               
127
44
#1 rated account @inadumpster
Ebola is actually good
61d               
20
3
MattyTalks @mattytalks
I'm going to buy some yoga pants and start tweeting shit like "Pilates, more like pill lattes (Xanax + Coffee) " then I'll jump off a bridge
61d               
116
24
lil maxy @maxlavergne
just eavesdropped on some youths and one said "it was bonnie & clyde 101, dude. shake the fuck out." guess i'll die of old age now
61d               
27
2
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Gwyneth Paltrow arises from a lake of almond milk. "Fetch me my smile," she whisper-screams to her most steadfast servant. He stares in awe.
61d               
123
22
Dan Gagliardi @asimplemachine
I used to cherish days off but now I know that they just force me to reckon with myself. Been staring at my dog all day, trying not to cry.
62d               
9
Patrick @pattymo
Sharknado 3: Fuck You
62d               
28
1
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Blake Lively peers through her kitchen window, watching Martha Stewart's drone circle the neighborhood.
"There it is," she whispers
62d               
80
8
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Just whispered "Oh God" when I sat down at my desk and a moth fluttered by me #cryinthedark
62d               
32
Headless Hortman @crushingbort
*dislikes an opinion online* hmmm this person must live in the very lowest level of their parents home
62d               
290
64
Michael @Home_Halfway
What The Hell is Happening And Why Is Everything Scary: A Guide to Living Life
62d               
105
29
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
I love @UNTRESOR. #FF
62d               
12
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Today was a good day: pic.twitter.com/dCoBstU2Y4
62d               
39
4
RAINBOW SATAN @TPHD
INSTEAD OF SPENDING YOUR MONEY, LAY ON THE GROUND WITHOUT MOVING FOR A VERY LONG TIME
63d               
176
71
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Good morning. I've decided I'm done with this Earth place: pic.twitter.com/snHczcIOOC
63d               
62
27
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
It's a good name, but a little long. What if we take 3 of the letters, arrange them randomly & toss a K at the end? How Richard became Dick
63d               
49
8
''Steve'' @extranapkins
I was cruising around downtown today on my Segway, doing a conf call on the Bluetooth whilst eating an Activia, when I noticed #MyDickWasOut
63d               
69
6
lil maxy @maxlavergne
heaven diary, day a million: dear diary, still no drama in heaven. getting bored of not making a fuss. wheres the drama.
63d               
23
5
thomas violence @thomas_violence
Swag is for boys, class is for men, healing chants are for elders, death curses are for ancestors, the tongue of the gods is for ancients.
63d               
148
78
000___000 @000___000
no one expected everything to become post-apocalyptic quite so gradually.
63d               
162
110
Scotty @MarylandMudflap
MOVIE: Ugly girl gets into old sleeping bag at a sleepover, a popular girl farts on her, and when she gets out she is a beautiful princess.
63d               
101
32
lawblob @lawblob
this is the only “meme” my son jaden is allowed to look at on the church computer. pic.twitter.com/oMql88xqEU
63d               
388
122
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
Nurse, this man is bleeding heavily, pass me my Space Jam DVD, stat
[Cracks open beer]
There’s nothing I can do. May as well enjoy myself
63d               
473
171
Mike F @animaldrumss
[at drive thru, loud enough for cars both ahead of and behind me to hear] Yeah I'll take that in EXTRA LARGE. and can I get the MENS VERSION
63d               
116
17
Spooky Committee @swarthyvillain
imgur my wife and i are too epically awkward to attend my coworkers funeral. can you photoshop us there??
63d               
30
3
priscilla @BBW_BFF
take me to the d pic.twitter.com/jbioEc8mLy
63d               
65
8
Mike F @animaldrumss
[49 yr old guy shopping for dishwashers] Do you have any that leave some dirt on the dish? I actually think dirt is cool. Im a punk rocker.
64d               
112
27
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
If you want your child to be president: please note. RT @ablington beach reading. pic.twitter.com/SGF3eCMnzL
64d in reply to ablington               
56
7
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
"Please, just tell me the name of the restaurant. Work was insane and I just want to relax. Please." -the Riddler's girlfriend
64d               
110
37
keply ☁️ @keplyq
today I'm gonna buy a shirt that says "THIS IS SWEAT FUCK OFF"
64d in reply to keplyq               
43
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color
64d               
1,941
1,078
wint @dril
breastfeed a celeb today
64d               
848
398
Ceej @ceejoyner
My SPF100 suncape thrashes in the wind. "The tide approaches your sand palace, children. This cold earth will devour everything you build."
64d               
408
89
John Moe @johnmoe
6yo's favorite Weird Al song is Party In the CIA. She does not know what the CIA is. Does not care to find out.
64d               
32
Glenn @justabloodygame
There Will Be Blood (Drama, 2007) A glimpse at an average day in the life of three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Louis. [Rated-R, 158 mins]
64d               
102
28
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Going to see an optometrist for my depression because I've lost the ability to look forward to anything.
64d               
158
48
000___000 @000___000
also, still not sure if it should be a novel or an epic poem or a philosophical treatise or a tome of occult magickal spells or a popup book
64d in reply to 000___000               
29
1
000___000 @000___000
been researching material for a book for 3 decades. i'll spend the next 3 trying to find any sense in it & appending new info. then i'll die
64d               
26
3
Ann Coultergeist @OhNoSheTwitnt
🎶Oops I did it again/I scratched up your couch/Threw up on the floor/Oops you thought I was cute/till I chewed up your boot🎶-Kitteny Spears
64d               
179
64
STEVE HUFF @SteveHuff
CREATING SOCIAL MEDIA CONTENT
64d               
13
dead jonnifer @senderblock23
Me: (boston accent) That's arbitrary
Guy: What is? Why are you talking like that
Me: Do you like apples
64d               
108
15
Calm Tomb @CalmTomb
"Dude, he's FORGOTTEN more about the Metroid video games than you'll ever know." - what I assume will be whispered about me someday.
64d               
18
Ken Jennings @KenJennings
No one at this farmer's market knows I'm wearing a swim diaper. #SummerFun
64d               
239
57
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Enough with the hard sell, I'll take it pic.twitter.com/7hLrTs8uwi
64d               
360
61
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Ronald Reagan masks are for fucking or robbing banks and that's it.
64d               
83
21
Laura @LadyLardman
The monkey guy sprayed me with beet molasses.
64d               
7
2
Josh @joshbupkes
at the butcher's I worry I'll randomly blink the code where he waves me back to taste the human meat
64d               
72
16
Westy @wwwesty
I'm still drinking out of my Worlds Greatest Dad mug. Recognize.
64d               
3
Brown Hammer @BronzeHammer
hello darkness my old friend pic.twitter.com/z75hp2Pmnv
64d               
92
6
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Hey, teenage girls, what stupid thing are you into now? I want to crank out a shitty book and turn it into seven movies.
64d               
1,021
519
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
The feeling I get when my 5yo tries to tell me a linear story is exactly what my wife feels like when i try to explain a funny tweet to her.
64d               
164
36
Patrick @pattymo
When she texts first pic.twitter.com/RqtR7nga5b
65d               
47
2
MattyTalks @mattytalks
When one of the truly great dads retires, they honor him by hanging his khakis from the rafters of a Home Depot
65d               
248
73
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
I live in constant fear and I'm depressed and grumpy as hell so I'm basically Batman minus a few million dollars and a fancy belt.
65d               
140
44
Mike F @animaldrumss
Doctor: Nice, nice, reflexes are looking good. Next guy who hits you on the knee is in for the kick of his life. You'll do it automatically.
65d               
522
134
Pauly Miller @Pauly_Miller
@theleanover I stopped watching. Last week esp had too many fake weird things that appeared to be desperation, not good writing
65d in reply to theleanover               
2
Jeb Lund @Mobute
I had this same problem with Uber until I texted them my Klout score (420.69) and now my Uber score is a panther wearing a bandana.
65d               
37
josh mecouch @pants
bone zone pic.twitter.com/kh6J51GV3X
65d               
60
4
thomas violence @thomas_violence
3 types of human action: that driven by hubris, that driven by insecurity & that which is done for vine fame you get for fucking a hotpocket
65d               
54
9
Mike F @animaldrumss
Most people are too stupid to get as many extra napkins as I do at restaurants. Either theyre too scared to ask, or they don't know its free
65d               
132
24
BAKOON @BAKKOOONN
the silent specter of first date diarrhea pic.twitter.com/U2FwCkijmM
65d               
119
30
michael @michaeljhudson
How u feel when u see an ex in public with someone and ur alone pic.twitter.com/npr5nQxfMd
65d               
201
45
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Sorry your daughter has snapchat
65d               
137
38
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
took online quiz 'which Friends character are you?' and I got the child molester from Diff'rent Strokes
65d               
168
48
jomny sun @jonnysun
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF--
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
65d               
1,800
697
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
Sunday evening is a 35 minute wait at Macaroni Grill that goes on for 2-3 hours
65d               
29
2
keply ☁️ @keplyq
YOU GUYS I AM PLAYING BASEBALL AND I TRIED TO SPRINT FROM 3RD TO HOME BUT MY LEGS SAID "NO THANKS" AND I JUST SHUT OFF AND LAID DOWN
65d               
97
3
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
My son's message for the stranger who snapchatted me video of him fingering his butt: You shouldn't do that. You'll get poop on your finger.
66d               
71
8
Mike Primavera @primawesome
I've seen a lot of Jesus billboards on this road trip. Call me crazy but I don't think he likes being hung up on display to make a point.
66d               
310
115
lemons @respected_loner
if i saw a celeb eating a big log of shit like it was a hoagie you can bet i would buy a tshirt of it and wear it to my sons funeral
66d               
123
27
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
Just barked at someone walking their dog because I thought they were a raccoon and I was trying to scare it away.
66d               
43
3
Adam Wilson @theleanover
pic.twitter.com/S3wZStkfOT
66d               
58
14
Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander
Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
66d               
435
246
keply ☁️ @keplyq
please join me as I look around and and wonder silently: what in the actual hell
67d               
385
145
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
All that seems "natural"--(like the rotary phone, milk in bottles)--is soon revealed to be "unnatural" as it fades from our view.
67d               
60
32
Stephanie McMaster @Smethanie
I'm kinda worried we're under-utilizing the crystal ball emoji, you guys. 🔮
67d               
70
16
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Anything new happening with chairs?
67d               
149
81
baba ghanoush @rorynotroy
oh well ill just j/o
67d               
34
jon hendren @fart
welcome to divorced dad bed and breakfast. i hope your futon was comfortable. this morning we're serving triscuits w/ room temp nacho cheese
68d               
192
37
rarrrrarrr @grumpassgrumpaw
Well at least we still have nothing to take seriously.
68d               
8
1
MattyTalks @mattytalks
*me pitching a movie script* a guy who uses 20% of his brain but only uses it to win Bar Trivia to pay for his crippling alcoholism
68d               
146
31
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