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J. Sager Weinstein2009-06-11
@jacobsw1,923 days
I've written for HBO, The New Yorker, and McSweeneys, but what I really want to do is tweet. My new book: How Not To Kill Your Baby (http://t.co/vWATYYzHb7)
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
8693812,843368,640
We found 200 favorite tweets.
dan mentos @DanMentos
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
2h               
66
11
Brian Boone @brianadamsboone
#BadPageantTalents @midnight Becoming Death, destroying worlds
2h               
3
Beth Schacter @bethshax
Muting People Who Can't Stop Tweeting @midnight #BadPageantTalents
2h               
3
dan mentos @DanMentos
Native Americans used every part of the Mackle
2h               
23
6
Clarke Kant @clarkekant
Thought about buying a pogo stick, but decided to save money by just jumping.
2h               
20
2
donni @donni
The plural of footloose is feetleese
2h               
159
79
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Let's have salad tonight" my wife said, as she inadvertently began the divorce proceedings
14h               
77
14
Glenn Moore @TheNewsAtGlenn
A truth:

I used to copy and paste the same opening message to girls on Tinder, until I forgot to copy it once and sent someone my full CV.
23h               
13
3
Mike Primavera @primawesome
Ok I put all of the delicious hot ingredients into your burrito, want me to put cold sour cream in it for an extra $1 and ruin everything?
1d               
74
24
donni @donni
"I look like a million ducks!" -Very ordinary-looking duck
1d               
74
21
eeethan @eeethanford
Me: goodnight moon

Moon: *reflects the suns light*

Me: you keep doin you
1d               
240
88
THE NATEWOLF @thenatewolf
My cousin is making a ton of cash at his specialty extermination company. He's an amazing bees nest man.
1d               
30
8
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
Startling Video Released Of Dog Acting Like A Dog: "I Can't Believe It Acts Like Every Other Dog In The World!" Says Owner. "I Am Blessed!"
1d               
30
7
TS Faull @faullguy
Oh-so-sexy cancer bed selfie. Can you tell I took a Klonopin? (My hair is really on its last legs.) pic.twitter.com/EDTOBpchxD
2d               
8
TS Faull @faullguy
My hair is rebellious. It wants to run away from home. I'd expect that from the hooker pubes but not the pretty honor roll student head hair
2d               
6
lawblob @lawblob
[texting]
me: goodnight moon

moon: k
2d               
1,253
550
Gerry Duggan @GerryDuggan
The closest I'll ever get to being Indiana Jones is blowing pot smoke out a closing garage door.
2d               
121
32
Albert Brooks @AlbertBrooks
When I see people crossing the street looking at their phones I wish Norman Rockwell were alive so he could paint that.
2d               
968
687
Brian Boone @brianadamsboone
Hi I'm Mr T. Treat yourself to a makeover at my new beauty salon I Pretty The Fool.
3d               
8
JeffLowell @JeffLowell
EXT. STREET - NIGHT. So easy to write. So much regret when it happens.
3d               
5
4
Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff
[job interview]
"So what would you say is your biggest weakness?"
"I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
3d               
966
443
West Hampstead @WHampstead
Camden rejected the proposal for a large tower block in Swiss Cottage last night.
3d               
7
4
Joe Mazzello @MazzelloJoe
Advice to all young aspiring actors... Don't become an actor.
4d               
49
22
Mark Leggett @markleggett
Cee Loo Green is what happens when a baby gets scaled-up proportionately.
4d               
210
65
Trevor Moore @itrevormoore
I think that U2 album still needs to be cheaper for me to download it.
4d               
294
210
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
you should automatically do it for me. that will go over well pic.twitter.com/KQkxVu05fP
4d               
107
36
West End Lane Books @WELBooks
Sweet to see #NW6 kids walking to school reading [better than on mobies!]. Brings back memories of times I walked into lamp-posts doing same
4d               
4
2
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
Scientists have found that the reason wolves howl at the moon is because they're sick of its bullshit. "Fuck the moon" said one researcher.
5d               
2,197
1,351
Brian Boone @brianadamsboone
#MakeAMovieCanadian @midnight The Kids in the Hall Dogs Go to Heaven
5d               
1
Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible
if any of you are sorcerers I would very much like to live forever and will followback if that's what's needed to seal the deal
5d               
134
39
Jay Skarlow @RockabillyJay
One fun thing about getting older is that everything hurts all the time.
5d               
33
5
Beth Stelling @BethStelling
August: Osage Mountie #MakeAMovieCanadian @midnight
5d               
30
3
TS Faull @faullguy
In bed with one cat and a pregnancy pillow and a headache.
5d               
6
jeffdsilva @jeffdsilva
Universal Health Carrie #MakeAMovieCanadian @midnight
5d               
2
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
Apologetic Bull. #MakeAMovieCanadian @midnight
5d               
37
4
dan mentos @DanMentos
Canadian Canadian Bacon #MakeAMovieMoreCanadian
5d               
12
Phoebe Henighan @phoebehenighan
Goodbye Mr. Ketchup Chips #MakeAMovieCanadian @midnight
5d               
2
jeffdsilva @jeffdsilva
"...and ONE MORE THING"
*Bono takes off sunglasses and is crosseyed*
6d               
5
Tim Siedell @badbanana
"There has never been a sleeker, more beautiful phone to stuff inside an OtterBox case."
6d               
491
457
Joshua Malina @JoshMalina
They are really dragging this out. Does this thing count the Omer or not? #AppleEvent
6d               
56
32
DC Pierson @DCpierson
Your father stuck this AppleWatch up his ass. He'd be damned if some Google employee was gonna get his hands on it.
6d               
468
408
John Elerick @johnelerick
"the new apple watch is basically a fit bit and first generation iPhone. err, I mean, amazing." #AppleWatch #AppleLive
6d               
15
16
Justin Marks @Justin_Marks_
This is really just going to give me another reason to hate people who always check their watches in meetings.
6d               
4
2
Sager!!!!! @msager
Just so you know, I have the Bullwinkle History of Wrist Watches framed in our kitchen. It's very cool.
6d               
1
Tim Siedell @badbanana
The new Apple commercial should be a guy checking his iWatch then iPhone then iWatch then iPhone while standing in front of Grand Canyon.
6d               
664
644
Tony Bacigalupo @tonybgoode
My favorite new smartwatch. pic.twitter.com/dUMAlkKVGo
6d               
4,535
7,065
Eli Terry @EliTerry
Apple Pay which is of course Pig Latin for Papple.
6d               
114
73
Colin Hanks @ColinHanks
@michelledeidre: @ColinHanks It works fine on mobile. Try that, Colin.” You mean on my now obsolete iPhone?
6d               
41
6
Laurent Sansonetti @lrz
I guess we should all learn Chinese eventually anyway.
6d               
22
64
Glenn Moore @TheNewsAtGlenn
Try as I might, I can't think of anything more upsetting than a dragon trying and failing to blow out the candles on its birthday cake.
6d               
26
14
matt @biorhythmist
Dear Penthouse,

I never thought
this would happen
to me but

I caught
my roommate eating
the plums
that were in
the icebox
7d               
47
11
Michael @Home_Halfway
"We're going to make a cool social network just for college kids. But 10 years from that it'll be a baby scrapbook." - Mark Zuckerberg
7d               
251
93
donni @donni
For the cost of just money per day, you can buy goods and services
8d               
89
26
Seth Madej @sethmad
Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. Also it will be a high of 83 with lows in the lower 70s.
8d               
3
James Bruce @ComicJimBruce
DNA evidence proves who Jack the Ripper was. Nobody more surprised than me that it was Colonel Mustard.
8d               
1
2
Daniel Kibblesmith @kibblesmith
[Rents submarine]
[Goes to the bottom of ocean]
[Looks around]
[Whispers]
Sometimes Grant Morrison comics feel like they have pages missing.
8d               
30
10
Emma Hopkins @EmmaHopkins1
@SarahArcher15 @jacobsw @KittProudfoot great photos coming your way @smprov thanks 2 resident photographer and no.1 fan @ZoemYessaian ;)
8d in reply to ZoemYessaian               
2
Sarah Archer @SarahArcher15
Great rehearsal today with the @smprov team. Looking forward to performing at @hooplaimpro Crash Pad on Wednesday. Come along for fun times!
8d               
1
3
jon hendren @fart
i think this time when we bomb the middle east it will help. i have a feeling about this one, gang. things are going to turn around now
9d               
608
352
Giggle Loop @giggleloopstuff
We are very excited to be hitting up @hooplaimpro Launch Pad night this Wednesday @themillerpub come along you will not be disappointed!
9d               
3
3
Dave Gray @iamdavegray
Computer hacker takes wrong medication and as a result is chased by some blokes in sunglasses. #explainafilmplotbadly
9d               
2
1
Louis Peitzman @LouisPeitzman
Just saw a commercial for JDate that made me anti-semitic.
10d               
40
1
Michael McGarrity @michaelmcguk
Still, good news on the sausage roll! pic.twitter.com/WihSd83dNw
10d               
985
1,966
Jhon Rules @JhonRules
It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand.
10d               
204
95
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow
"Go Dog, Go" is the most charming and beloved children's book ever written on cocaine.
10d               
9
Eli Terry @EliTerry
[uses asterisks in a tweet to denote action]
10d               
72
13
Jeff Ross @realjeffreyross
Funeral services will be Monday on Home Shopping Network.
10d               
578
232
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
A breathalyzer that's an old Nintendo cartridge.
11d               
409
179
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
@NicCageMatch hey fatty
11d in reply to NicCageMatch               
11
Jake Weisman @weismanjake
It's amazing people were able to read newspapers in the 1920s when they were always spinning
11d               
224
48
H R WAG N'STUFF @dwaghalter
Our new Upright Workstations™ eliminate the health risks of sitting all day long. Call now to order - operators are standing!
11d               
5
1
John Howell Harris @jhowellharris
INT. TIME MACHINE - LATER?
11d               
10
1
Stephanie @StephanieWDC
Maybe all the buses got raptured?
11d               
2
Dan Gagliardi @asimplemachine
I think I'll make a great father someday, and, if not me, then someone else
12d               
14
1
Brian Gaar @briangaar
Height is the dude equivalent of boobs
12d               
639
251
dan mentos @DanMentos
*browses to WebMD*
*types in actual symptoms of cancer*
[enter]
"Probably just a cold"
12d               
57
17
THE NATEWOLF @thenatewolf
Sure you can call me a hero but I think anyone else would have eaten that shark if their kids were in danger
12d               
39
6
Eireann Dolan @EireannDolan
.@HoustonChron I tried searching that name but nothing came up. Is there another name he goes by? pic.twitter.com/ra0HT1HoWW
12d in reply to HoustonChron               
163
82
FRO VO @fro_vo
How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
12d               
150
46
Seth Madej @sethmad
Oh, you "just got my text?" pic.twitter.com/TaoSV9I1sU
12d               
8
1
Saturday Mornings @smprov
Looking forward to playing @hooplaimpro's Launch Pad on Wednesday 10th September. Will we see any of you there? bit.ly/1A6myyi
12d               
2
samuel v.a. @amorygatsby
PROLOGUE

Two HUGE blunts, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where *cop starts breakdancing*
12d               
61
23
Patrick @pattymo
pic.twitter.com/eOPk0uKQSA
12d               
424
165
Ray (Sir E) @SirEviscerate
I don't have a garbage disposal in my sink, but I do keep an upside down lawn mower running outside my kitchen window at all times.
12d               
30
2
FRO VO @fro_vo
"you drive me to drink"
--Russian taking a cab to a bar
13d               
40
11
Aaron Fullerton @AaronFullerton
I'm so old, I remember when superheroes in movies fought one villain for two hours rather than 35 different villains for three hours.
13d               
54
16
Dan Clyne @danCLYNE
I read the news today, oh boy. pic.twitter.com/hjxCGUqYzz
13d               
21
Ray (Sir E) @SirEviscerate
*goes to beach in a badass chainmail vest made of onion rings*
Hey, ladies. I couldn't help but notice OH SHIT!
*mauled by seagulls*
13d               
62
15
Beth Schacter @bethshax
"The tiger was busy too busy and then I had spiders in my mouth" just a reminder not to ask what nightmare woke your kid up. #needscotch
13d               
7
Amy Spiker @ASpiker
pic.twitter.com/9yzAqKK9Up
14d               
184
59
Blood Thirsty Tutor @CarlRadbunny
People who open with "what can I say" in your yearbook didn't like you as much as you liked them.
14d               
25
5
Saturday Mornings @smprov
Thanks to @C3467X for organising last night's BYOT Jam. I had a great time performing with Jstar Atlanta, @bits500 and @Me_MarkTindle.
14d               
1
4
Dan Clyne @danCLYNE
More doctors should try to pass this off as a real sonogram photo. pic.twitter.com/MgY8dW6rdW
14d               
12
Jeff Loveness @JeffLoveness
Let Wes Anderson direct a Fantastic Four movie set in the 60's and watch cinema triumph.
14d               
38
8
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare
It is so great to be back at college pic.twitter.com/FSbuCSFmS2
14d               
328
59
Dan E @Brohamulet
How much for the can of flower ghosts?

"Sir, that's air freshener."

Well, excuse me, fancy boy. How much?
14d               
39
27
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall
There's a show on the CW about a pregnant virgin. We finally came all the way full circle on plots.
14d               
153
31
Aristotle Georgeson @STOTLE
FUCK ALL OF YOU I'M WEARING SO MUCH WHITE TOMORROW.
14d               
61
15
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Amazing that the only thing standing between this person from high school and financial success is me liking their business' Facebook page
14d               
297
82
Gavin Speiller @gavinspeiller
Alien vs. Board of Education
14d               
66
16
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
14d               
775
274
Gavin Speiller @gavinspeiller
WARNING: If you love apples as much as I do DO NOT look at this pic unless you want a straight up APPLE BONER!#Apples pic.twitter.com/B59SCjjJ4R
14d               
21
3
Mark Leggett @markleggett
pic.twitter.com/afOSsvfjh9
14d               
294
139
Michael @Home_Halfway
Bigfoot will always return your texts with a phone call. He truly is a monster.
14d               
103
25
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow
Frankly, I'd be more scandalIzed seeing leaked photos of what Hollywood actresses are like on the INSIDE.
14d               
11
6
Dr. Whom @chapel3929
You know someone's a real villain when they stop to close the laptop before murdering someone
14d               
3
jeffdsilva @jeffdsilva
this is why I store all of my nude pics on Etch-a-Sketch
14d               
6
1
Elias Madias @ElMadias
If @faullguy were truly glamorous, he'd be getting his treatments here. pic.twitter.com/1WX006mUlN
14d               
7
1
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
Such a relief to find out there's a name for what I am pic.twitter.com/GUIuhyT6Ob
14d               
367
108
Nice Hippo @NicestHippo
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
14d               
381
127
FRO VO @fro_vo
what idiot called it instead of texting
14d               
294
98
stefan @boring_as_heck
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
14d               
2,554
1,405
SimonNRicketts @SimonNRicketts
This sign is supposed to show you which things are forbidden. But it actually creates the coolest dog ever. pic.twitter.com/kCL9RYnDWx
14d               
29,779
37,336
Jeremy Woodcock @jwPencilAndPad
"Leaked." "Leaked" photos. Like that time someone leaked into my house and then leaked my safe full of money out to their car.
14d               
3,722
3,645
''Steve'' @extranapkins
Agreed pic.twitter.com/Mk0P6Yuo1S
14d               
25
2
Mike F @animaldrumss
Hot Cooking Tip: organize your drawers to make cooking easier. Don't forget to label everything! pic.twitter.com/B3tidiDX4l
15d               
2,616
1,523
SimonNRicketts @SimonNRicketts
Edvard Munch's ’The Scream’ has been updated. pic.twitter.com/5gD3k9sfqG
15d               
385
772
Ana @Severnjaca
For sale: a completely unused collection of notes to self.
15d               
18
5
Glenn Moore @TheNewsAtGlenn
"There is no such thing as Godzilla" - Richard Dawkinzilla
15d               
11
10
Mark Leggett @markleggett
Think that the joke's on you? Well, the joke's on you; It's not.
16d               
131
59
Clarke Kant @clarkekant
Doctors in movies never seem to break the news to new parents that they just gave birth to a 9 month old baby.
16d               
27
9
Mike F @animaldrumss
[i look up "dumbass" in the dictionary and its just a picture of a guy i don't know] man... if i ever meet this guy i could totally burn him
16d               
628
156
handsome mystery man @chuchugoogoo
I don't understand any of these #GamerGate tweets, wake me up when #CasualGamerGate is trending I guess
16d               
41
10
stefan @boring_as_heck
CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me.
BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence.
16d               
463
133
Craig Mazin @clmazin
The amazing @faullguy getting strength serum. Soon, he will destroy the world with his powers. And kitschy videos. pic.twitter.com/Nqej7JYUjB
16d               
16
4
Giraffe_Mode @AlmostGiants
@PeachCoffin Did it hurt? When you fell from the flaming wreckage of Oceanic Flight 815?
16d in reply to PeachCoffin               
33
4
Nice Hippo @NicestHippo
Facebook is comprised of people who don't know how to spell "definitely" but are certain they'd do a better job than the President
16d               
907
595
Nice Hippo @NicestHippo
Regrets? Just one...
*squints into sunset*
I wish I hadn't damaged my vision by staring at the sun every time someone asked me a question
16d               
289
97
Megan Amram @meganamram
The world right now is like when you'd get bored with your Sim City and just use all the disaster options at once
16d               
1,753
1,057
The Atlantic @TheAtlantic
The surprising benefits of making a promise theatln.tc/1wS6DaA pic.twitter.com/fS9KGfTBN1
16d               
65
34
John Self @john_self
Laughing at previous generations makes me feel bad, but this *is* pretty funny. pic.twitter.com/d4Dq9SOJAQ (via @jr_carpenter @garethmammal)
16d               
240
411
Louise Mensch @LouiseMensch
@jacobsw @faullguy in Sha Allah!
16d in reply to jacobsw               
2
Louise Mensch @LouiseMensch
@jacobsw @faullguy LOL
16d in reply to jacobsw               
1
Geoff Moore @geoffreymoore
@faullguy @jacobsw and sweet sweet lovin' from @clmazin
17d in reply to faullguy               
3
TS Faull @faullguy
@jacobsw I will be cured by cats and doctors and Chippendales strippers.
17d in reply to jacobsw               
2
Brent @murrman5
[speed dating]
what's your name and favorite tv show?
"how convenient. my name is earl"
17d               
1,823
745
Damian Chadwick @damianchadwick
Watched the sequel to Her. It's called The Matrix.
17d               
5
TS Faull @faullguy
It has begun. I'd better lose weight. pic.twitter.com/dm7TmdB6re
17d               
8
2
Josh Weinstein @JElvisWeinstein
Once you get past the idea that you're paying someone to consider whether to show your movie for free, applying to film festivals is fun!
17d               
13
5
Beth Schacter @bethshax
If you're gonna have to be locked down with a sick kid who doesn't know he's sick it helps that he's funny as hell pic.twitter.com/wuFdoTISvU
17d               
3
TS Faull @faullguy
@bethshax My hospital boudoir is going to be so kinky! (Boudoir almost autocorrected to boy door.) xo
17d in reply to bethshax               
6
Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
17d               
342
143
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
*comes home from work early*
*finds wife in bed with Mr. Peanut*
Oh god. What are you, fucking nuts?
*silence*
*monocle falls to the floor*
17d               
2,300
841
bobby funtime @kibkibs
@WHampstead @damawa42 it's getting butcher? like, wearing muscle shirts? lifting weights? swigging moonshine? swigging whiskey on the street
17d in reply to WHampstead               
1
West Hampstead @WHampstead
OMG - you may all want to sit down for this... and you're not allowed to ever moan again about anything. West Hampstead is getting a butcher
17d               
15
16
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
Kanye getting angrier and angrier because shuffle mode isn't playing his songs in the order he wants
18d               
157
69
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
When I die I'd like a trust fund set up in my name so people can donate money in case I'm revived in the future and everyone has new jackets
18d               
65
11
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"Ladies and gentlemen this is your Captain speculating, I think a lot of dogs are really just cats dressed up as dogs. We're expecting sunny
18d               
143
35
Joshua Karpati @jkarpati
If this were a promo pic for, say, a Jackie Chan movie, you'd think the villain looks too cartoonish to be believable pic.twitter.com/K6m8FhZKSz
18d               
7
1
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
US & Canadian friends: Season 2 of Strange Hill High is now on Netflix! The world's most epic puppet show. pic.twitter.com/PfdyG7Fl7U
18d               
65
22
Jim Coughlin @mrjimcoughlin
"Couldn't get arrested in this town" is something said about white people only.
18d               
1
matt @biorhythmist
I have no idea how integers work. What are the odds?
18d               
37
6
Giraffe_Mode @AlmostGiants
🎶 Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm memento, and hey I just met you.
19d               
41
11
Cute Emergency @CuteEmergency
Camouflage level 10,000 pic.twitter.com/dtjVDbXNr1
19d               
3,816
1,767
Ben Wexler @mrbenwexler
Wow, these guys were pros... pic.twitter.com/ldMzLjhcyA
19d               
180
68
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
To my haters: Okay, fair point
19d               
3,162
1,903
Ben Tattersall Smith @bits500
things i didn't expect to say today - just been retweeted by Papa Roach
19d               
1
1
Saturday Mornings @smprov
Interesting article from @ConversationUK about the link between your social background and what makes 'good comedy'. bit.ly/1C1DrxK
19d               
2
Dani Fernandez @msdanifernandez
*Looks up at the stars* do you think my dog's password is my name with a bunch of numbers
20d               
917
440
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
As Above, So Below is the long-awaited sequel to last year’s thriller Do the Curtains Match the Carpet
20d               
137
30
Karan Lyons @karanlyons
Terrible Cat Names:

• Kitler
• Meow Zedong
• Benito Pussolini
• Catigula
• Maximilien Robespurr
• Joseph Stalin
• Bashar al-Assad
• Mittens
20d               
37
13
DC @Dwarven_Cleric
I'm more of a white mediocratist.
20d               
9
1
karatepus @sploosk
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
20d               
889
411
JT2daExtreme @jtrulez
If you yell "5 6 7 8" during a gang fight, by law, everyone has to dance.
20d               
528
390
simon evans @TheSimonEvans
What is that I find so annoying about Mobius strips? Where to begin?
20d               
45
36
Caitlin Moran @caitlinmoran
I have just learned, via @TomChivers, of Lewis's Law: "The comments under any article about feminism prove the need for feminism."
20d               
448
539
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan
Tess eagerly devoured every inch of him, looking into his eyes, determined. Luke moaned, growing closer. He could barely operate the Zamboni
21d               
32
2
I Would Meh For You @TheAlexNevil
Just figured out a foolproof way to get out of jury duty: be the defendant.
21d               
136
67
Blind Chow @BlindChow
@BlindChow *cut to three cats with moneybags on a roomba meandering up the street as police cars race past heading the other direction*
21d in reply to BlindChow               
66
24
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
If I don't win an Emmy tonight it's only because Jews don't control ENOUGH of the media.
21d               
309
83
Dave D (Not a warlok @davedittell
despite the popular depiction of Jesus as a European white male with blond hair and blue eyes, he was in actuality a small French bulldog
21d               
125
41
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
@thatbilloakley Yes, get ready for #EveryMissionHillEver this Thursday afternoon on my DVD player.
21d in reply to thatbilloakley               
58
10
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
I'm especially grateful for #EverySimpsonsEver for providing me the excuse not to leave the house for 96 hours.
21d               
42
7
OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt
I feel like the Every Simpsons Ever marathon should be a federal holiday.
21d               
70
16
Emma Hopkins @EmmaHopkins1
Had a fantastic time at Edfringe but would have been better if Edinburgh had kept it's gift of a sore throat and snuffly face...
21d               
1
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
That was the Patch Adams of Robin Williams tributes.
22d               
45
14
Eliza Bayne @ElizaBayne
Not sure how but I feel like Nicki Minaj can speak Emoji #VMAs
22d               
65
29
H R WAG N'STUFF @dwaghalter
Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Do you have any vegetarian options? (He was a vegetarian.)
22d               
8
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan
I found 19,773 people who just haven't gotten around to unfollowing me yet using WhoJustHasntGottenAroundToUnfollowingMeYet .com
22d               
26
4
Sager!!!!! @msager
Anyone offended by the @UKinUSA tweet needs to develop a sense of humor and get over themselves.
22d               
2
Josh Comers @joshcomers
Everyone at the #VMAs is Poochie to me. #EverySimpsonsEver
22d               
125
70
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
Every dude in 1D thinks he's going to be the Timberlake.
22d               
161
78
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
Baby got back. And front. But no sides. What I'm saying is baby is a two dimensional entity.
22d               
264
103
Mark Leggett @markleggett
A woman tying knots in cherry stems with her tongue is hot, but it's hotter when they fill their mouth with Lego and spit out a TIE fighter.
22d               
218
107
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
Ugh, my phone is freezing up from tee many twoots. Also, I gotta go pick up our dinner, so may I say see you guys later? And also I say...
22d               
12
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
Yay, Krusty is yelling at me & @thatbilloakley!
22d               
29
6
British Embassy @UKinUSA
Commemorating the 200th anniversary of burning the White House. Only sparklers this time! pic.twitter.com/QIDBQTBmmL
22d               
4,419
7,958
Glove_Monkey @Glove_Monkey
All of the secrets of the Universe will be revealed once we create a record needle large enough to finally listen to Saturn's groovy rings.
22d               
86
46
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
I did the sound of the Sand Crab! We couldn't find a good crabby sound, so I just did it on the soundstage during the mix.
22d               
30
5
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
Ned's beach house is partially based on my parent's old NH summer house where me, @thatbilloakley @dangreaney David Cohen & others hung out
22d               
17
7
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
Smashing Pumpkins were awesome and totally gung-ho but the best was @peterframpton! He was so cool and funny, he should have his own show.
22d               
19
3
Josh Weinstein @JElvisWeinstein
@thatbilloakley Poor guy. Had to change his name because of someone else in the Guild. @Joshstrangehill
22d in reply to thatbilloakley               
18
1
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
I tweeted this earlier this year but here's the Krusty/Ralph-in-a-plane scene we cut. It was animated so it exists! pic.twitter.com/fQSlJWtS8B
22d               
85
35
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
We & Matt loved this ep so much, we later talked about doing a full Simpsons spinoff callec "Springfield"!
22d               
26
7
Paige @PeachCoffin
Pour a thing of cat food on your head or donate to ALF research
22d               
104
20
Bee Stapler @BeeStapler
LA face with an Oakland booty. Denver legs and Lisbon eyes. Cairo lips. Moscow voice. HANDS OF BABYLON.
22d               
60
32
albro @BromanConsul
jokes on you, people at the gym, you are only strengthening your meat prison
22d               
226
75
Penny Wise @jon_vitti
Bill and Josh hated clip shows as much as I did. Of all my many clip shows, the one I did with them is the one I’m proudest of.
23d               
20
6
Harris King @ohkiv
the pinnacle of Western literature is happening write now on the Twitter with @thatbilloakley and @Joshstrangehill
23d               
13
4
Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill
The secret master clue list! I only know of 5 copies of this that exist! How many of these did you find at the time? pic.twitter.com/H5fT9waIBK
23d               
205
124
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