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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
samantha ronsonLos Angeles2009-03-03
@samantharonson1,877 days
http://t.co/5oImVxOE6a Don't be mad, UPS is hiring.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
1,567,98471920,1337,4431,657
We found 198 favorite tweets.
Jazmasta @jazmasta
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
7h               
198
86
Anonymous Operations @YourAnonCentral
NYPD arresting NYPD. #MyNYPD pic.twitter.com/Fs07Jud9cI
19h               
10
23
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Turns out it’s because gift horses are notorious for having bad breath.
1d               
133
55
shelby fero @shelbyfero
Last week in NY...u kno what that means..walking tour of every place Fin and Munch exchange playful banter abt a rape case (ʃƪ˘ﻬ˘)
1d               
62
3
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
If you have enough confidence as a teenager in high school to ask Miss America out during an assembly, you deserve to be suspended.
1d               
293
68
Andrew Hibbard @andrewhibbard
Kids, you don't have to take acid in the desert to have a vision quest. You can do it anywhere. It's the drugs that do the heavy lifting.
1d               
28
4
Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman
I took a puff before bed & now I really want to practice how to put make-up on I CANT CONTROL WHAT MY HEART WANTS
2d               
1,480
338
That Awkward Moment @awkwardposts
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in spanish
2d               
393
353
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"What was waiting like?" - Future question
2d               
47
12
Adam McKay @GhostPanther
Fun cameo tonight on Game of Thrones by Heather Locklear as Khaleesi's single sis looking to meet rich guy!
2d               
61
23
john roderick @johnroderick
Terry Richardson gave you exactly the depraved, exploitative images you craved, you fucking scumbags. Don’t get up on your high horses now.
2d               
180
57
Mike Scully @scullymike
If you totaled all the money raised by all the Real Housewives charity events, it's got to be nearly forty-seven dollars.
2d               
335
140
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
"Is it just me or did he put us through all that drama for nothing?" - Jesus' gay friend
2d               
287
125
no @welltbh
Rihanna and Miley pic.twitter.com/YuSk93i0Mu
2d               
1,379
1,739
Jenny Mollen @jennyandteets
When using a public restroom, always check each stall to make sure the Asian Black Eyed Pea isn't standing on a bowl waiting to rape you!
2d               
99
14
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
I don't need to smoke pot to eat like I'm high. #blessed
2d               
174
89
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Writing a movie about fishing is easy. It's the casting that's difficult.

I was hugged exactly one time during childhood.
2d               
447
141
Johnny Knoxville @realjknoxville
Even the police love the Easter Bunny. pic.twitter.com/j1ud03IF1P
2d               
2,016
1,676
Nick Schug @NickSchug
Say what you want about Drake but he probably smells incredible.
3d               
24
6
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Some fucked up bunny clucks like a chicken and lays chocolate eggs wrapped in foil and no one even blinks? Satan is everywhere.
3d               
208
110
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
When asked to bring food to a party, I think, finally, an opportunity to roll up my sleeves and show people that I really can buy chips
3d               
427
153
Michael @Home_Halfway
*puts my phone in front of you while you're driving* HEY WATCH THIS FUNNY VIDEO
3d               
30
2
Michael @Home_Halfway
When I die I'm having Limp Bizkit play my funeral because fuck all you guys I'll be dead
4d               
63
8
Kumail Nanjiani @kumailn
Hollywood tip: Set alarm for 5 AM & return emails. That way people think you're up early to shoot something important. Then back to bed!
4d               
240
51
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
I learned a lot from moving all of my stuff to a new place. For example, I learned if I have to move again it had better be to a cemetery.
4d               
228
33
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Hats off to the woman at the table next to me at breakfast, drinking Chardonnay in gym pants. We all felt like we were back in France.
4d               
139
26
Mindy Kaling @mindykaling
@samantharonson you're on fire today
4d in reply to samantharonson               
10
David Koechner @DavidKoechner
I know it's called Good Friday but a little over 2000 years ago I know a guy who was saying, "man, I am having the worst Friday of my life!"
4d               
84
85
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I bet Hell is sitting across from Nancy Grace while she eats cheesecake and gives me HER theories on cold cases involving missing "tots."
4d               
353
153
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
Weird how your being on speakerphone in a public place makes my Tourette's Syndrome act up.
4d               
42
7
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
A self-diagnostic test for sociopathy: Do you talk on speakerphone in public?
4d               
102
30
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
If I text you and you call me back, I'm deleting your contact.
4d               
71
22
DeJuan Black @dejuanblack
What’s the best way to get rid of a headache besides cutting your dick off and jumping off a roof?
4d               
17
17
Bryan Ling @blablablabling
The Shelf w/ @iancr and @samantharonson - Future Old Skool Vibes
4d               
2
2
Adam McKay @GhostPanther
We have an aquarium full of pet gefilte fish that we love, how am I supposed to explain to my kids on Seder we now eat them?
4d               
35
13
Dolly Parton @DollyParton
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails! :)
4d               
1,273
1,134
Wale Folarin @Wale
Virgin airline aka Soul plane en route to Cali ✈️
4d               
315
128
UberFacts @UberFacts
Hundreds of years ago, humans would go to sleep early, wake up in the middle of the night to perform tasks, then go back to a “second sleep"
4d               
2,232
1,249
SemiPreciousWeapons @preciousweapons
Tuesday. It's finally happening. Please come celebrate with us. (And yes we will be performing a full set!) @thes... pic.twitter.com/GMIprrAd3u
4d               
12
8
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Seeing someone use a pay phone is my cue to get the fuck out of that neighborhood.
5d               
516
266
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
She blinded me with science.

On second thought, this tastes like mace. I think this is definitely mace.
5d               
447
246
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
Alicia Silverstone just wrote a parenting book called "The Kind Mama" but she named her son Bear, so that title is obviously a lie.
5d               
155
57
Bette Midler @BetteMidler
Miley Cyrus demanded privacy during her illness shortly after posting selfies from her hospital bed. The irony came in like a wrecking ball!
5d               
2,463
2,089
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
Amazing career news! I just got a call from the Comedy Awards asking me to do stand-in work! This is 100% true! See you in the East River!
5d               
135
7
Michael @Home_Halfway
I thought Falsetto was what you call a lying Italian.
5d               
67
13
lesley arfin @lesleyarfin
If the question is "Sweatpants?" The answer is yes.
5d               
34
20
Michael @Home_Halfway
"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride."
*I excitedly put on my Borat mustache & wig*
"My wife." I say tearfully, smiling
5d               
33
5
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Slut shaming is terrible. Unless you're a lady in a country song, because I want to hear all about the citified devil hooker after your man.
5d               
335
148
kelly oxford @kellyoxford
The loudest drunks are groups of sober teenage girls.
5d               
1,392
811
Kalvin Macleod @KalvinMacleod
A lot of people suffer from attention deficit disorder but I think I like ponies.
6d               
178
101
Michael @Home_Halfway
Feeling sassy tonight. Refer to your ex's collectively as the "Bae of Pigs." You're welcome.
6d               
64
10
Hillary Kerr @hillarykerr
I like being single with two exceptions: weddings and trash day. Today is the latter. Pray for me.
6d               
31
9
caprice crane @capricecrane
Calm down, Adobe Update. You're acting like a needy little bitch.
6d               
230
101
Anonymous @YourAnonNews
What's Your Hacker Name? pic.twitter.com/xf9VfQRyGD
6d               
380
494
Bette Midler @BetteMidler
I think it's fitting that Tax Day is falling during the week when we remember God's ten plagues.
6d               
250
124
Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47
"Yes, but maybe if I HAD these tiny whimsical bowls I WOULD throw dinner parties..." - every girl in Anthropologie ever
6d               
14,292
7,182
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Man, it's a hot one" ~ Rob Thomas sitting on a disgusting toilet seat
6d               
28
5
Rob Fee @robfee
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
7d               
1,550
875
Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz
"Selfie" (2015) PG-13 Jayden Smith has to find the girl that photobombed his selfie on prom night before his rival Skrillex does
7d               
1,890
1,312
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
Your moon pic sucks
8d               
661
520
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
Happy Passover, single Jewish girls in their 30s going to random seders.
8d               
51
10
Fan of D-Js&Ronsons @TeamRonson
JoJo -Too Little Too Late
8d               
1
UberFacts @UberFacts
Elephants can move their skin to crush mosquitoes between their rolls of skin.
8d               
2,825
1,555
UberFacts @UberFacts
In 2000, the KKK adopted a stretch of highway near St Louis. The MO government responded by renaming the road the “Rosa Parks Highway.
8d               
4,032
2,228
Michael @Home_Halfway
*rubs an MGD against my mom's face* Hey ma, you feel a draft? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm why dad left probably
8d               
38
7
caprice crane @capricecrane
Before posting that inspirational quote, ask yourself, "Is this worth basically telling everyone that I'm a sad mess of a person?"
8d               
319
259
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I wonder if James Blunt ever got over that Beautiful girl he saw with another man on the subway for one second when he was high
9d               
283
126
Rivka Rossi @sofifii
THE SKIES AWAKE SO I'M AWAKE!
9d               
97
51
Chris Newberg @thechrisarmy
Worst time to have a spelling malfunction? When your friend asks you to drive her and her kids… instagram.com/p/mv2ufqGhKB/
9d               
3
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Farmers markets are everywhere! They must be fucking billionaires by now.
9d               
153
41
Johnny Knoxville @realjknoxville
At the beginning of the day there WERE 14 students at this Da Nang Daycare center. pic.twitter.com/mzqpZN49BF
9d               
778
528
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
going to brunch is like being in game of thrones because there's a ton of people and they're all white
9d               
558
297
Jordan Rubin @jordanrubin
When people are dying do they have an inner epilogue?
10d               
18
8
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
I just ruined my daughter's tea party by asking the imaginary waiter twenty minutes of questions about which items contain gluten.
10d               
1,046
536
Adam Levine @adamlevine
I feel out of place at coachella because I left my slutty jean shorts at home.
10d               
29,757
13,453
Anonymous @YourAnonNews
Instagram is down, no one cares about your selfie.
10d               
1,028
1,839
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
If you have a super-power like invisibility, you should use it to steal pets away from people who dress them like babies.
11d               
53
16
Hillary Kerr @hillarykerr
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes." -Dorothy Parker
11d               
32
23
Bryan Ling @blablablabling
And staring in this weeks episode of Rough Childhood... instagram.com/p/moZlX_Bt5U/
12d               
4
shannonwoodward @shannonwoodward
I bet all of those cancelcolbert wishers are pretty bummed that they weren't more specific.
12d               
172
84
Jason Miller @longwall26
Sorry about that one middle-aged asshole who elected themself president of your church, everybody in any small town.
12d               
70
6
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Grass fed beef - because it's not enough to know what I'm going to eat. I need to figure out what what I'm going to eat is going to eat.
12d               
293
185
Michael @Home_Halfway
Another term for "Foursquare" is "Help The NSA"
12d               
62
27
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
Just looked through my pics on instagram to figure out the last time I had sex.
13d               
122
22
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
If you're splitting the check on a date, just break up. You're not gonna get married.
13d               
523
258
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I just assume that anyone who calls their mom "Mother" has suffered through plenty of "no wire hangers" meltdowns.
13d               
111
34
Michael @Home_Halfway
Respond to the next email your mom sends you with "Unsubscribe"
13d               
68
17
Jen Regen @jennregen
Dearth Vader helmet. Is their a tutorial on how to use a convection oven? - me meditating
13d               
3
caprice crane @capricecrane
A 12-year-old just told me that BOOBYTRAP backwards is PARTYBOOB so I don't really need anything else to happen today.
13d               
431
298
a small dog @Grinwin
Sloths will sometimes mistake their own arms for a branch, thus tumbling from the tree
13d               
34
12
Michael @Home_Halfway
In-Law: *says jokingly* So you're the one that's been causing trouble!

Me: *expressionless* No, the federal indictments were expunged.
13d               
35
2
Mark Ronson @iamMarkRonson
"you don't have head intelligence, you have heart intelligence"
13d               
47
25
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I've had two periods since Malaysian Flight 370 took off.
14d               
580
177
Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings
At this point calling someone on the phone is downright confrontational
14d               
808
767
Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47
Sometimes I legitimately get bummed that I'm not in any of the Step Up movies.
14d               
16,423
6,137
Kim @Kim_pulsive
A homeless man just rejected my lunch offering in lieu of spare change so I guess that whole "beggars can't be choosers" thing is bullshit
14d               
8
1
Ali Adler @AliAdler
Hey, big guy sitting near me in Beats noise canceling headphones, just because you can't hear your farts, doesn't mean we can't.
14d               
40
17
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Your fly is down." - Me alerting someone that their pet insect looks depressed
15d               
87
13
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
Tyra Banks has to take selfies with an iPad.
16d               
33
7
Kat Von D @thekatvond
Well, I need a guillotine, but we just can't always get what we want, can we? RT @imnotarobotgirl: I need a spa day.
17d               
198
119
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
You have a story to tell me? Fine. Before you begin, however, let me ask -- are you a master storyteller
17d               
175
34
Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman
I just read a completely made up story about myself then turned the page & was like "Demi Moore's converting Jen Aniston to Kabbalah?!"
17d               
1,398
349
Kumail Nanjiani @kumailn
Miami is like if LMFAO was a city.
17d               
996
472
Avery Edison @aedison
"Waldo spent much of his life running, hiding. But in the end, we are all found by death. And, in his case, those men he owed money to."
17d               
30
10
Mike Primavera @primawesome
My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"
17d               
348
113
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser
Bartender: Would you care for a straw?
Nikki: Yes. I will take good care of it.
18d               
423
135
Irene @IreneCrusats
@samantharonson On my way to Barcelona in this cludy beautiful rainny day Chasing the reds . pic.twitter.com/7XJ8RNzRus
18d in reply to samantharonson               
4
1
Michael @Home_Halfway
Terrify a stranger today by running at them and exclaiming "What? You're alive!! But how....? Something's very wrong."
18d               
69
35
dj evil one @djevilone
CBS would be wise to replace Letterman with Conan.
19d               
17
10
Matthew Robinson @MrMattRobinson
Why isn't there wax lips and a copy of Highlights magazine on this everything bagel
19d               
10
Michael @Home_Halfway
Hey sorry I can't make it to your wedding, I haven't spoken to you in 8 years and the last time we did you yelled at me for spilling a Coke
19d               
82
9
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
My 6yo, who wears a tie and blazer to bed, now wants a top hat and cane?
19d               
85
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
When a coworker asks you how your weekend was today, scream "I DIDN'T SHIT ALL WEEKEND, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT WAS?" and walk away.
21d               
48
3
Bill Dixon @BillDixonish
If your April Fools joke doesn't end in a police report, you're doing it wrong.
21d               
22
5
Jason Miller @longwall26
Your dad died doing what he loved: A dude dressed like a clown threw him out of a helicopter into an active volcano. Your dad was insane.
22d               
271
52
Michael @Home_Halfway
Beaker is splitting up from his girlfriend because he needs more mimimimimumimimimimimi time.
23d               
99
26
Justin Long @justinlong
Hope my kids don't Instagram screenshots of my texts w them unless its to praise my parenting skills and/or sense of humor #wishfulthinking
23d               
320
74
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
If you don’t have four boxes of cereal open at the same time, what is the point of even being an adult?
23d               
169
68
Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz
@icecubetray @Variety Noah begins it's 'reign' at the box office
23d in reply to icecubetray               
4
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
Ben Folds is truly our generation's Billy Joel so I can't wait to see what his take is on driving his car into a house.
23d               
14
2
Will Kane @3rdand10
Any man over 30 with a fish tank in his house is a drug dealer.
23d               
243
131
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
Violent video games really push the bounds of decency in terms of how many guards we're expected to believe a museum could employ.
23d               
169
64
Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes
PLEASE stop taking advantage of the chicken that lays Cadbury eggs & bring her to a vet. SHE'S SICK! THIS ISN'T NORMAL!
23d               
632
349
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
When I die, I just hope it's a quick cocaine blast from a tshirt cannon.
24d               
42
6
Chelsea Lockwood @Chelsea_Elle
5 flirty ways to turn your man into a paranoid schizophrenic
24d               
160
31
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Everything’s bigger in Texas, so while I’m here I’m updating my dick pics.
24d               
7,061
3,927
Ben Lee @benleemusic
"If I die and come back again and were a family again and I'm a girl can you name me Elsa?" Goldie, age 4, on her hopes for reincarnation
24d               
28
4
Jason Miller @longwall26
Son, it's time to tell you about the birds and bees. *peers through blinds* They're everywhere, son. They rule the skies. Here's a gun.
25d               
3,302
1,904
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
@kellyoxford I was already shitting
26d in reply to kellyoxford               
18
2
Michael @Home_Halfway
What idiot called them Eminem albums instead of Marshall arts
27d               
163
76
Duncan Sheik @TheDuncanSheik
They keep asking for passenger "Charles Mingus" at my gate ... This could be a really cool flight if Charlie Parker and Max Roach show up ..
27d               
12
3
alexa chung @alexa_chung
I just made my first French pun: J'ai perdu Gerard Depardieu! 🇫🇷
28d               
817
341
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
On the balcony of my LA apt and two giggling girls came out on the other balcony and now I'm trying to find the Bud Light logo and camera.
29d               
37
4
no @welltbh
s/o to the kid that whispers the answer to u when the teacher calls on u but u weren’t paying attention
29d               
542
724
Will Kane @3rdand10
Most women are just looking for someone who can tell them where the bruise on their leg came from.
29d               
106
39
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
Any judge can be jury and executioner with a few swords and a multiple personality disorder.
33d               
4
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
I just photobombed someone during an MRI.
33d               
356
178
Justin Shanes @justinshanes
Crimea is like sex: constantly hearing it discussed, still know nothing about it.
34d               
55
17
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Felt cool hanging out at a Barnes & Noble until I realized I was actually in a dumpster with a Kindle.
34d               
185
66
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
Why doesn't Facebook have a dis-like button? As in "dis-like the last time you posted a selfie masked as a political statement"
34d               
78
26
Matt McElaney @MattMcElaney
When you order a drink, don't forget to say "whenever you get a chance" so they knows you're the cool laid back patron who's on their side.
34d               
991
545
Ed Lee @smedlee
do you think the Kardashians view March Madness more like a to-do list
34d               
125
38
Robin McCauley @RobinMcCauley
The search for the Malaysian plane is now Hurry-And-Find-It-Before-Courtney-Love-Does urgent.
35d               
89
28
no @welltbh
how many times is it appropriate to say ‘what’ before you nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said
35d               
475
682
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
My wife just texted "what time will you be home?" so now I'm scared to go home.
35d               
192
49
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
My Bubbe has been on the phone with her boyfriend for 45 minutes while I read about Israel online. We may have Freaky Friday-ed.
36d               
73
5
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Sometimes I think I should've been born a man, rather than, you know, a weak, worthless baby
36d               
267
45
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
“It’s time to pull the plug, Mr. McConaughey,” the doctor says.
He looks down at his dad, a tear falls
“Alright,” he says. “Alright alright”
36d               
687
329
Michael @Home_Halfway
I often confuse the phrases "assert yourself" and "insert yourself," & now this security guard is furious and I may need a lawyer
36d               
62
12
Michael @Home_Halfway
I just learned my cell phone has actually been Daniel Day Lewis for these past 6 months. He's been tweeting for me. Unreal dedication, wow.
36d               
46
4
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
glad i read through this entire corned beef recipe that casually states the words, "after 10 days, remove from brine..." DAMMIT ALTON!
36d               
244
31
Ellen DeGeneres @TheEllenShow
Portia and I woke up and all of the furniture was in a different place. Then we remembered we moved. #earthquake
36d               
22,925
4,835
Aziz Ansari @azizansari
Actual txt from my dad: "did U here about. The Earth quake at LA Aniz felt it Harris is at VietNam" Is this a ransom note??
36d               
7,357
2,511
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
Geologists saying earthquake came from beneath the ground! That means they were always there! THE MONSTERS WERE ALWAYS THERE!
36d               
19
4
no @welltbh
my future husband probably has a girlfriend right now i am so mad at him
37d               
559
465
billy eichner @billyeichner
"I'm in New York but I still felt it in my own way"- Anne Hathaway
37d               
1,136
350
Bo Burnham @boburnham
CARNAGE. #LAearthquake pic.twitter.com/P367SVHKAl
37d               
7,479
3,341
Molly McAleer @molls
Who else thinks that lil quake was God saying, "now you're up in time to eat waffles & watch Friday Night Lights before work"?
37d               
132
23
Alchemist @Alchemist
Earthquakes aren't all bad. They help locate rappers. For example , now I know French Montana and Meek Mill are in LA .
37d               
1,330
1,281
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
35-degree-weather is looking pretty good right about now. #QuakeFree
37d               
66
20
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Good, since we're all awake, I have some thoughts about Palestine I'd like to share with everybody.
37d               
181
27
Lamorne Morris @LamorneMorris
That Earthquake!!!.......is the Only reason I just wet the bed...#earthquake
37d               
584
195
no @welltbh
what if ice cream licked u back
37d               
495
602
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
If I die in my sleep you can let everyone know I died doing what I loved.
37d               
143
65
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
*walks around aimlessly, shuffles feet, touches everything, stares off, snacks absent-mindedly* "What are you doing, Jenny?!"
Me: "Writing."
37d               
111
13
icecubetray @icecubetray
"One bag or two?" You literally do this for a living, how about you decide?
37d               
20
8
Jenni Konner @campsucks
Bugsy Malone is a perfect movie in case you were wondering.
37d               
31
8
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
If you spot more than one, the worst thing you can do is yell "HEY BIGFOOTS, OVER HERE!". A pack is called bigfeet.
37d               
36
8
icecubetray @icecubetray
Russia should also annex Hollywood between La Brea / Curson and Sunset / Santa Monica
37d               
6
3
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but how many ways do you need, sicko?
37d               
120
30
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Calm the fuck down guys named Gregg and save some Gs for the rest of us.
37d               
120
44
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
I'll tell you what, Mr. Dentist, I'll start flossing regularly when you start doing something about those nose hairs I have to stare up at.
37d               
159
38
Alec Sulkin @thesulk
Might go to Narnia today. pic.twitter.com/8tkZaEqik7
37d               
484
165
Iliza Shlesinger @iliza
If anyone ever approaches you w "excuse me, can I ask you a question?" They either work for City Year, have a petition or are 100% homeless
37d               
17
11
Married Jew Bastard @Squizbot
Night creeps in and all I want is to board a flight and chase the dawn back to her
37d               
4
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
the "coke: you're on" campaign would be significantly different if it starred yoda
37d               
405
206
Morgan Murphy @morgan_murphy
People say I'll meet the man of my dreams when I least expect it. So like...when I'm emergency pooping at a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf?
38d               
263
55
Jordan Rubin @jordanrubin
Note to shelf: Hold books and such.
38d in reply to jordanrubin               
47
31
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
The least you can do is invite me in after climbing up 3 balconies...
38d               
26
8
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
When one door closes, another one opens and that's how my baby got out, Officer.
38d               
46
11
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Just encountered some weird, wooden escalator with no moving parts and now my legs are tired.
39d               
345
178
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
The Malaysian plane lands. Amelia Earhart exits and drops a mic.
39d               
175
91
Mike Primavera @primawesome
Allergies ruining your day? Lay down in the street and die. Make room for us healthy folk. Take the hint. Earth doesn't want you here.
39d               
840
457
UberFacts @UberFacts
After Germany surrendered in WW2, people in Moscow partied until the entire city actually ran out of vodka.
39d               
2,830
1,746
Rashida Jones @iamrashidajones
Happy 81st Bday to my hilarious, wonderful, adorable, big hearted Papa. @QuincyDJones You make me so happy (see pic) pic.twitter.com/dTOTT5e2R6
39d               
1,793
351
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
My new teapot has arrived!!! Thanks, Ambien!!! pic.twitter.com/jqOW0BMXaO
39d               
894
345
caprice crane @capricecrane
Your girlfriend may not always be right...but if you want to have sex with her just remember that she's also never wrong.
39d               
220
148
Rosie @Rosie
I am not naming names - but SOMEONE turned off my in game purchases on my I phone !!!
What the PARENTAL CONTROLS IS HAPPENING !
40d               
142
16
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
Good call wearing a jersey to the game but I notice it’s not an official jersey. If the Knicks ask you to play you’ll have to change anyway.
40d               
174
32
Josh Comers @joshcomers
"Mark my words," I told the highlighter.
40d               
86
38
Kim @Kim_pulsive
Champagne: for when you want the best buzz ever to proceed feeling like someone bashed your head in with a hammer
40d               
6
donni @donni
Mimes send each other blank mixtapes
41d               
97
24
donni @donni
Ask your doctor if your love is like bad medicine
41d               
64
10
Sir Chicken Pie @OpenClassMX
Gotta go, A Flock of Seagulls is on and I ran all night and day.
41d               
17
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
If a cop yells "Freeze!" but you pour 'anti-freeze' all over yourself, the cop must respect that and allow you the freedom to roam the world
41d               
73
16
Michael @Home_Halfway
Get rich or die trying or just go home and sleep it's not a be-all-end-all dude
41d               
72
17
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Goodnight, Moon."

"Goodnight, Daltrey & Townsend."
41d               
56
14
molly @Molly_Kats
People dabbing the grease off their pizza: Give me those napkins, I'll eat them.
41d               
575
203
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