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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
samantha ronsonLos Angeles2009-03-03
@samantharonson1,872 days
http://t.co/5oImVxOE6a Don't be mad, UPS is hiring.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
1,568,52571320,1007,4471,631
We found 199 favorite tweets.
Kumail Nanjiani @kumailn
Hollywood tip: Set alarm for 5 AM & return emails. That way people think you're up early to shoot something important. Then back to bed!
2h               
169
36
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
I learned a lot from moving all of my stuff to a new place. For example, I learned if I have to move again it had better be to a cemetery.
2h               
137
19
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Hats off to the woman at the table next to me at breakfast, drinking Chardonnay in gym pants. We all felt like we were back in France.
2h               
111
19
Mindy Kaling @mindykaling
@samantharonson you're on fire today
2h in reply to samantharonson               
6
David Koechner @DavidKoechner
I know it's called Good Friday but a little over 2000 years ago I know a guy who was saying, "man, I am having the worst Friday of my life!"
2h               
73
68
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I bet Hell is sitting across from Nancy Grace while she eats cheesecake and gives me HER theories on cold cases involving missing "tots."
3h               
271
129
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
Weird how your being on speakerphone in a public place makes my Tourette's Syndrome act up.
3h               
30
5
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
A self-diagnostic test for sociopathy: Do you talk on speakerphone in public?
3h               
79
21
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
If I text you and you call me back, I'm deleting your contact.
3h               
54
13
DeJuan Black @dejuanblack
What’s the best way to get rid of a headache besides cutting your dick off and jumping off a roof?
3h               
11
15
Bryan Ling @blablablabling
The Shelf w/ @iancr and @samantharonson - Future Old Skool Vibes
3h               
2
2
Adam McKay @GhostPanther
We have an aquarium full of pet gefilte fish that we love, how am I supposed to explain to my kids on Seder we now eat them?
4h               
25
11
Dolly Parton @DollyParton
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails! :)
4h               
990
900
Wale Folarin @Wale
Virgin airline aka Soul plane en route to Cali ✈️
4h               
296
122
UberFacts @UberFacts
Hundreds of years ago, humans would go to sleep early, wake up in the middle of the night to perform tasks, then go back to a “second sleep"
4h               
1,945
1,093
SemiPreciousWeapons @preciousweapons
Tuesday. It's finally happening. Please come celebrate with us. (And yes we will be performing a full set!) @thes... pic.twitter.com/GMIprrAd3u
4h               
12
8
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Seeing someone use a pay phone is my cue to get the fuck out of that neighborhood.
9h               
162
69
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
Alicia Silverstone just wrote a parenting book called "The Kind Mama" but she named her son Bear, so that title is obviously a lie.
1d               
135
52
Bette Midler @BetteMidler
Miley Cyrus demanded privacy during her illness shortly after posting selfies from her hospital bed. The irony came in like a wrecking ball!
1d               
2,368
2,027
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
Amazing career news! I just got a call from the Comedy Awards asking me to do stand-in work! This is 100% true! See you in the East River!
1d               
130
7
Michael @Home_Halfway
I thought Falsetto was what you call a lying Italian.
1d               
63
10
lesley arfin @lesleyarfin
If the question is "Sweatpants?" The answer is yes.
1d               
29
18
Michael @Home_Halfway
"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride."
*I excitedly put on my Borat mustache & wig*
"My wife." I say tearfully, smiling
1d               
31
5
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Slut shaming is terrible. Unless you're a lady in a country song, because I want to hear all about the citified devil hooker after your man.
1d               
321
136
kelly oxford @kellyoxford
The loudest drunks are groups of sober teenage girls.
1d               
1,319
758
Kalvin Macleod @KalvinMacleod
A lot of people suffer from attention deficit disorder but I think I like ponies.
1d               
88
44
Michael @Home_Halfway
Feeling sassy tonight. Refer to your ex's collectively as the "Bae of Pigs." You're welcome.
1d               
64
10
Hillary Kerr @hillarykerr
I like being single with two exceptions: weddings and trash day. Today is the latter. Pray for me.
1d               
31
8
caprice crane @capricecrane
Calm down, Adobe Update. You're acting like a needy little bitch.
2d               
223
91
Anonymous @YourAnonNews
What's Your Hacker Name? pic.twitter.com/xf9VfQRyGD
2d               
374
492
Bette Midler @BetteMidler
I think it's fitting that Tax Day is falling during the week when we remember God's ten plagues.
2d               
247
118
Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47
"Yes, but maybe if I HAD these tiny whimsical bowls I WOULD throw dinner parties..." - every girl in Anthropologie ever
2d               
13,252
6,600
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Man, it's a hot one" ~ Rob Thomas sitting on a disgusting toilet seat
2d               
29
5
Rob Fee @robfee
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
2d               
1,101
643
Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz
"Selfie" (2015) PG-13 Jayden Smith has to find the girl that photobombed his selfie on prom night before his rival Skrillex does
3d               
1,869
1,310
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
Your moon pic sucks
3d               
661
522
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
Happy Passover, single Jewish girls in their 30s going to random seders.
3d               
48
10
Fan of D-Js&Ronsons @TeamRonson
JoJo -Too Little Too Late
3d               
1
UberFacts @UberFacts
Elephants can move their skin to crush mosquitoes between their rolls of skin.
3d               
2,824
1,551
UberFacts @UberFacts
In 2000, the KKK adopted a stretch of highway near St Louis. The MO government responded by renaming the road the “Rosa Parks Highway.
3d               
4,034
2,230
Michael @Home_Halfway
*rubs an MGD against my mom's face* Hey ma, you feel a draft? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm why dad left probably
4d               
38
7
caprice crane @capricecrane
Before posting that inspirational quote, ask yourself, "Is this worth basically telling everyone that I'm a sad mess of a person?"
4d               
307
254
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I wonder if James Blunt ever got over that Beautiful girl he saw with another man on the subway for one second when he was high
4d               
275
120
Rivka Rossi @sofifii
THE SKIES AWAKE SO I'M AWAKE!
4d               
93
50
Chris Newberg @thechrisarmy
Worst time to have a spelling malfunction? When your friend asks you to drive her and her kids… instagram.com/p/mv2ufqGhKB/
4d               
3
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Farmers markets are everywhere! They must be fucking billionaires by now.
5d               
142
36
Johnny Knoxville @realjknoxville
At the beginning of the day there WERE 14 students at this Da Nang Daycare center. pic.twitter.com/mzqpZN49BF
5d               
764
520
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
going to brunch is like being in game of thrones because there's a ton of people and they're all white
5d               
532
287
Jordan Rubin @jordanrubin
When people are dying do they have an inner epilogue?
5d               
16
8
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
I just ruined my daughter's tea party by asking the imaginary waiter twenty minutes of questions about which items contain gluten.
6d               
989
514
Adam Levine @adamlevine
I feel out of place at coachella because I left my slutty jean shorts at home.
6d               
29,241
13,258
molly @Molly_Kats
This weekend I'm at Couchella (this has been done 326 times already, yeah?)
6d               
124
20
Anonymous @YourAnonNews
Instagram is down, no one cares about your selfie.
6d               
1,025
1,844
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
If you have a super-power like invisibility, you should use it to steal pets away from people who dress them like babies.
7d               
53
16
Hillary Kerr @hillarykerr
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes." -Dorothy Parker
7d               
32
23
Bryan Ling @blablablabling
And staring in this weeks episode of Rough Childhood... instagram.com/p/moZlX_Bt5U/
7d               
4
shannonwoodward @shannonwoodward
I bet all of those cancelcolbert wishers are pretty bummed that they weren't more specific.
7d               
171
84
Jason Miller @longwall26
Sorry about that one middle-aged asshole who elected themself president of your church, everybody in any small town.
8d               
69
6
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Grass fed beef - because it's not enough to know what I'm going to eat. I need to figure out what what I'm going to eat is going to eat.
8d               
284
184
Michael @Home_Halfway
Another term for "Foursquare" is "Help The NSA"
8d               
61
27
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
Just looked through my pics on instagram to figure out the last time I had sex.
8d               
121
22
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
If you're splitting the check on a date, just break up. You're not gonna get married.
8d               
511
250
Michael @Home_Halfway
Respond to the next email your mom sends you with "Unsubscribe"
9d               
68
17
Jen Regen @jennregen
Dearth Vader helmet. Is their a tutorial on how to use a convection oven? - me meditating
9d               
3
caprice crane @capricecrane
A 12-year-old just told me that BOOBYTRAP backwards is PARTYBOOB so I don't really need anything else to happen today.
9d               
427
295
a small dog @Grinwin
Sloths will sometimes mistake their own arms for a branch, thus tumbling from the tree
9d               
33
12
Michael @Home_Halfway
In-Law: *says jokingly* So you're the one that's been causing trouble!

Me: *expressionless* No, the federal indictments were expunged.
9d               
35
2
Mark Ronson @iamMarkRonson
"you don't have head intelligence, you have heart intelligence"
9d               
47
25
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
I've had two periods since Malaysian Flight 370 took off.
9d               
578
176
Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings
At this point calling someone on the phone is downright confrontational
9d               
802
759
Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47
Sometimes I legitimately get bummed that I'm not in any of the Step Up movies.
10d               
16,060
5,986
Kim @Kim_pulsive
A homeless man just rejected my lunch offering in lieu of spare change so I guess that whole "beggars can't be choosers" thing is bullshit
10d               
8
1
Ali Adler @AliAdler
Hey, big guy sitting near me in Beats noise canceling headphones, just because you can't hear your farts, doesn't mean we can't.
10d               
41
17
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Your fly is down." - Me alerting someone that their pet insect looks depressed
11d               
87
13
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
Tyra Banks has to take selfies with an iPad.
11d               
33
7
Kat Von D @thekatvond
Well, I need a guillotine, but we just can't always get what we want, can we? RT @imnotarobotgirl: I need a spa day.
12d               
198
119
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
You have a story to tell me? Fine. Before you begin, however, let me ask -- are you a master storyteller
13d               
175
34
Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman
I just read a completely made up story about myself then turned the page & was like "Demi Moore's converting Jen Aniston to Kabbalah?!"
13d               
1,388
349
Kumail Nanjiani @kumailn
Miami is like if LMFAO was a city.
13d               
994
471
Avery Edison @aedison
"Waldo spent much of his life running, hiding. But in the end, we are all found by death. And, in his case, those men he owed money to."
13d               
30
10
Mike Primavera @primawesome
My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"
13d               
345
112
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser
Bartender: Would you care for a straw?
Nikki: Yes. I will take good care of it.
13d               
422
135
Irene @IreneCrusats
@samantharonson On my way to Barcelona in this cludy beautiful rainny day Chasing the reds . pic.twitter.com/7XJ8RNzRus
14d in reply to samantharonson               
3
1
Michael @Home_Halfway
Terrify a stranger today by running at them and exclaiming "What? You're alive!! But how....? Something's very wrong."
14d               
69
35
dj evil one @djevilone
CBS would be wise to replace Letterman with Conan.
15d               
17
10
Matthew Robinson @MrMattRobinson
Why isn't there wax lips and a copy of Highlights magazine on this everything bagel
15d               
10
Michael @Home_Halfway
Hey sorry I can't make it to your wedding, I haven't spoken to you in 8 years and the last time we did you yelled at me for spilling a Coke
15d               
82
9
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
My 6yo, who wears a tie and blazer to bed, now wants a top hat and cane?
15d               
85
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
When a coworker asks you how your weekend was today, scream "I DIDN'T SHIT ALL WEEKEND, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT WAS?" and walk away.
17d               
48
3
Bill Dixon @BillDixonish
If your April Fools joke doesn't end in a police report, you're doing it wrong.
17d               
22
5
Jason Miller @longwall26
Your dad died doing what he loved: A dude dressed like a clown threw him out of a helicopter into an active volcano. Your dad was insane.
17d               
271
52
Michael @Home_Halfway
Beaker is splitting up from his girlfriend because he needs more mimimimimumimimimimimi time.
18d               
99
26
Justin Long @justinlong
Hope my kids don't Instagram screenshots of my texts w them unless its to praise my parenting skills and/or sense of humor #wishfulthinking
18d               
319
74
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
If you don’t have four boxes of cereal open at the same time, what is the point of even being an adult?
18d               
169
68
Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz
@icecubetray @Variety Noah begins it's 'reign' at the box office
18d in reply to icecubetray               
4
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
Ben Folds is truly our generation's Billy Joel so I can't wait to see what his take is on driving his car into a house.
18d               
14
2
Will Kane @3rdand10
Any man over 30 with a fish tank in his house is a drug dealer.
19d               
242
131
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
Violent video games really push the bounds of decency in terms of how many guards we're expected to believe a museum could employ.
19d               
168
64
Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes
PLEASE stop taking advantage of the chicken that lays Cadbury eggs & bring her to a vet. SHE'S SICK! THIS ISN'T NORMAL!
19d               
632
348
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
When I die, I just hope it's a quick cocaine blast from a tshirt cannon.
19d               
42
6
Chelsea Lockwood @Chelsea_Elle
5 flirty ways to turn your man into a paranoid schizophrenic
19d               
160
31
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Everything’s bigger in Texas, so while I’m here I’m updating my dick pics.
19d               
7,050
3,922
Ben Lee @benleemusic
"If I die and come back again and were a family again and I'm a girl can you name me Elsa?" Goldie, age 4, on her hopes for reincarnation
19d               
28
4
Jason Miller @longwall26
Son, it's time to tell you about the birds and bees. *peers through blinds* They're everywhere, son. They rule the skies. Here's a gun.
20d               
3,291
1,887
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
@kellyoxford I was already shitting
21d in reply to kellyoxford               
18
2
Michael @Home_Halfway
What idiot called them Eminem albums instead of Marshall arts
22d               
163
76
Duncan Sheik @TheDuncanSheik
They keep asking for passenger "Charles Mingus" at my gate ... This could be a really cool flight if Charlie Parker and Max Roach show up ..
23d               
12
3
alexa chung @alexa_chung
I just made my first French pun: J'ai perdu Gerard Depardieu! 🇫🇷
23d               
812
340
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
On the balcony of my LA apt and two giggling girls came out on the other balcony and now I'm trying to find the Bud Light logo and camera.
24d               
37
4
no @welltbh
s/o to the kid that whispers the answer to u when the teacher calls on u but u weren’t paying attention
24d               
542
721
Will Kane @3rdand10
Most women are just looking for someone who can tell them where the bruise on their leg came from.
24d               
106
39
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
Any judge can be jury and executioner with a few swords and a multiple personality disorder.
28d               
4
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
I just photobombed someone during an MRI.
28d               
355
178
Justin Shanes @justinshanes
Crimea is like sex: constantly hearing it discussed, still know nothing about it.
30d               
55
17
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Felt cool hanging out at a Barnes & Noble until I realized I was actually in a dumpster with a Kindle.
30d               
185
66
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
Why doesn't Facebook have a dis-like button? As in "dis-like the last time you posted a selfie masked as a political statement"
30d               
78
26
Matt McElaney @MattMcElaney
When you order a drink, don't forget to say "whenever you get a chance" so they knows you're the cool laid back patron who's on their side.
30d               
989
545
Ed Lee @smedlee
do you think the Kardashians view March Madness more like a to-do list
30d               
125
38
Robin McCauley @RobinMcCauley
The search for the Malaysian plane is now Hurry-And-Find-It-Before-Courtney-Love-Does urgent.
30d               
89
28
no @welltbh
how many times is it appropriate to say ‘what’ before you nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said
30d               
474
683
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
My wife just texted "what time will you be home?" so now I'm scared to go home.
30d               
192
49
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
My Bubbe has been on the phone with her boyfriend for 45 minutes while I read about Israel online. We may have Freaky Friday-ed.
31d               
73
5
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Sometimes I think I should've been born a man, rather than, you know, a weak, worthless baby
32d               
267
46
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
“It’s time to pull the plug, Mr. McConaughey,” the doctor says.
He looks down at his dad, a tear falls
“Alright,” he says. “Alright alright”
32d               
688
329
Michael @Home_Halfway
I often confuse the phrases "assert yourself" and "insert yourself," & now this security guard is furious and I may need a lawyer
32d               
62
12
Michael @Home_Halfway
I just learned my cell phone has actually been Daniel Day Lewis for these past 6 months. He's been tweeting for me. Unreal dedication, wow.
32d               
46
4
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
glad i read through this entire corned beef recipe that casually states the words, "after 10 days, remove from brine..." DAMMIT ALTON!
32d               
244
31
Ellen DeGeneres @TheEllenShow
Portia and I woke up and all of the furniture was in a different place. Then we remembered we moved. #earthquake
32d               
22,943
4,843
Aziz Ansari @azizansari
Actual txt from my dad: "did U here about. The Earth quake at LA Aniz felt it Harris is at VietNam" Is this a ransom note??
32d               
7,350
2,506
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
Geologists saying earthquake came from beneath the ground! That means they were always there! THE MONSTERS WERE ALWAYS THERE!
32d               
19
4
no @welltbh
my future husband probably has a girlfriend right now i am so mad at him
32d               
561
467
billy eichner @billyeichner
"I'm in New York but I still felt it in my own way"- Anne Hathaway
32d               
1,138
351
Bo Burnham @boburnham
CARNAGE. #LAearthquake pic.twitter.com/P367SVHKAl
32d               
7,432
3,333
Molly McAleer @molls
Who else thinks that lil quake was God saying, "now you're up in time to eat waffles & watch Friday Night Lights before work"?
32d               
132
23
Alchemist @Alchemist
Earthquakes aren't all bad. They help locate rappers. For example , now I know French Montana and Meek Mill are in LA .
32d               
1,331
1,283
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
35-degree-weather is looking pretty good right about now. #QuakeFree
32d               
66
20
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Good, since we're all awake, I have some thoughts about Palestine I'd like to share with everybody.
32d               
181
27
Lamorne Morris @LamorneMorris
That Earthquake!!!.......is the Only reason I just wet the bed...#earthquake
32d               
585
195
no @welltbh
what if ice cream licked u back
32d               
495
603
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
If I die in my sleep you can let everyone know I died doing what I loved.
32d               
143
65
Tardy Mom™ @JennyPentland
*walks around aimlessly, shuffles feet, touches everything, stares off, snacks absent-mindedly* "What are you doing, Jenny?!"
Me: "Writing."
32d               
111
13
icecubetray @icecubetray
"One bag or two?" You literally do this for a living, how about you decide?
32d               
19
8
Jenni Konner @campsucks
Bugsy Malone is a perfect movie in case you were wondering.
32d               
31
8
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
If you spot more than one, the worst thing you can do is yell "HEY BIGFOOTS, OVER HERE!". A pack is called bigfeet.
32d               
36
8
icecubetray @icecubetray
Russia should also annex Hollywood between La Brea / Curson and Sunset / Santa Monica
32d               
6
3
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but how many ways do you need, sicko?
32d               
119
30
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Calm the fuck down guys named Gregg and save some Gs for the rest of us.
32d               
121
44
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
I'll tell you what, Mr. Dentist, I'll start flossing regularly when you start doing something about those nose hairs I have to stare up at.
32d               
154
37
Alec Sulkin @thesulk
Might go to Narnia today. pic.twitter.com/8tkZaEqik7
33d               
482
165
Iliza Shlesinger @iliza
If anyone ever approaches you w "excuse me, can I ask you a question?" They either work for City Year, have a petition or are 100% homeless
33d               
17
11
Married Jew Bastard @Squizbot
Night creeps in and all I want is to board a flight and chase the dawn back to her
33d               
4
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
the "coke: you're on" campaign would be significantly different if it starred yoda
33d               
404
207
Morgan Murphy @morgan_murphy
People say I'll meet the man of my dreams when I least expect it. So like...when I'm emergency pooping at a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf?
33d               
263
55
Jordan Rubin @jordanrubin
Note to shelf: Hold books and such.
33d in reply to jordanrubin               
47
31
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
The least you can do is invite me in after climbing up 3 balconies...
33d               
26
8
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
When one door closes, another one opens and that's how my baby got out, Officer.
34d               
46
11
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Just encountered some weird, wooden escalator with no moving parts and now my legs are tired.
34d               
346
178
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
The Malaysian plane lands. Amelia Earhart exits and drops a mic.
34d               
175
91
Mike Primavera @primawesome
Allergies ruining your day? Lay down in the street and die. Make room for us healthy folk. Take the hint. Earth doesn't want you here.
34d               
839
456
UberFacts @UberFacts
After Germany surrendered in WW2, people in Moscow partied until the entire city actually ran out of vodka.
34d               
2,828
1,749
Rashida Jones @iamrashidajones
Happy 81st Bday to my hilarious, wonderful, adorable, big hearted Papa. @QuincyDJones You make me so happy (see pic) pic.twitter.com/dTOTT5e2R6
34d               
1,792
352
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
My new teapot has arrived!!! Thanks, Ambien!!! pic.twitter.com/jqOW0BMXaO
35d               
891
345
caprice crane @capricecrane
Your girlfriend may not always be right...but if you want to have sex with her just remember that she's also never wrong.
35d               
221
148
Rosie @Rosie
I am not naming names - but SOMEONE turned off my in game purchases on my I phone !!!
What the PARENTAL CONTROLS IS HAPPENING !
35d               
143
16
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
Good call wearing a jersey to the game but I notice it’s not an official jersey. If the Knicks ask you to play you’ll have to change anyway.
35d               
169
32
Josh Comers @joshcomers
"Mark my words," I told the highlighter.
35d               
86
38
Kim @Kim_pulsive
Champagne: for when you want the best buzz ever to proceed feeling like someone bashed your head in with a hammer
36d               
6
donni @donni
Mimes send each other blank mixtapes
36d               
96
24
donni @donni
Ask your doctor if your love is like bad medicine
36d               
64
10
Sir Chicken Pie @OpenClassMX
Gotta go, A Flock of Seagulls is on and I ran all night and day.
36d               
17
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
If a cop yells "Freeze!" but you pour 'anti-freeze' all over yourself, the cop must respect that and allow you the freedom to roam the world
37d               
74
16
Michael @Home_Halfway
Get rich or die trying or just go home and sleep it's not a be-all-end-all dude
37d               
72
17
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Goodnight, Moon."

"Goodnight, Daltrey & Townsend."
37d               
56
14
molly @Molly_Kats
People dabbing the grease off their pizza: Give me those napkins, I'll eat them.
37d               
574
203
Don Nichols @TheDairylandDon
I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
37d               
728
277
christine teigen @chrissyteigen
Do people know that it is possible to gain access to paternity tests without the help of maury povich?
37d               
1,194
594
Suzy Cole @suzytothec
Had a great chat with @samantharonson about our favorite music including @gunsnroses @axlrose @Slash! #beatsmusic pic.twitter.com/vsilSTglAK
37d               
10
Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings
I just tried that diet where you eat naked and all these people at the restaurant are being super weird about it
37d               
571
249
Jamie Iovine @Jamie_iovine
Aaron Paul was so good in Breaking Bad he may have tricked america into seeing Need For Speed
37d               
6
2
Sir Chicken Pie @OpenClassMX
My kid made it to 6 before she ever said "son of a bitch". Currently writing Father of the Year acceptance speech.
37d               
12
6
Anna Chebykina @iamAnyaChe
@samantharonson Hi Sam! I am in Oliver Ronson's Team! WOW ! :) pic.twitter.com/7rV9QGqsIu
38d in reply to samantharonson               
3
Chani @thispartyislame
A baby laughing is the most beautiful sound in the world. But a baby laughing alone in their cot at NOTHING is just fucking terrifying.
38d               
107
52
Justin Credible @J_Credible
"You get the girls dancing you get the guys buying drinks" - @samantharonson #WiseWords
40d               
6
1
Michael @Home_Halfway
There's a landlord out there with a company called "It's The Lease I Can Do" right? There has to be.
40d               
86
28
Michael @Home_Halfway
Having a bad day? Imagine Ozzy Osbourne trying to open a can of soup with an old-school can opener.
40d               
39
4
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
In this Tinkerbell movie my daughter is watching there's a character named Fairy Gary & they keep saying it & I'm feeling emotions
40d               
288
57
Brandon Bassham @bbassham
"I don't practice Santeria...."- The reason why my Sublime tribute band will never make it big.
40d               
9
1
Rob Fee @robfee
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
41d               
2,113
1,233
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Say no too drugs. Actually, that's rude. Tell drugs "maybe" but then ignore all drugs' texts until drugs gets the message
41d               
533
301
LA Riots @LARiots
Did my @southwest pilot just apologize for being late by saying "hope we can make it up to you on another flight"?!? #rolloverminutes
41d               
3
Michael @Home_Halfway
I tried to be an Eskimo once but I just wasn't that Inuit.
41d               
73
20
Pete Wentz @petewentz
defiNOTly
41d               
3,083
3,680
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Webster's Dictionary defines douchebag as "anybody who keeps a guitar in their office."
41d               
274
109
Jon Lovett @jonlovett
In the future, everyone will be the founder of Bitcoin for fifteen minutes.
42d               
24
9
donni @donni
If a tree falls in the forest and only his crush is there to see it, he'll definitely make some "falling in love" type joke
42d               
44
10
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
Buzzfeed 1874
•9 reasons your horse secretly resents you
•26 hilariously named diseases living within your baby
•5 cool ways to live past 35
43d               
15
7
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Wait in a dressing room until an employee comes to ask if they can help. Answer yes, pause, then say, "But I need to be able to trust you"
43d               
518
203
Josh Comers @joshcomers
Kudos to therapists for resisting the natural urge to top other people's problems.
43d               
103
46
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
But more importantly, with every pair of TOMS Shoes you buy off the shelf, you save one person here from wearing a pair of TOMS shoes.
43d               
182
69
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