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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
samantha ronsonLos Angeles2009-03-03
@samantharonson2,010 days
http://t.co/5oImVxOE6a Don't be mad, UPS is hiring.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
1,553,05881721,5037,3842,328
We found 199 favorite tweets.
D. Serafini-Sauli @dsauli
Just posted a photo instagram.com/p/seTXwmmaze/
30m               
5
2
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
@samantharonson lonely
1d in reply to samantharonson               
6
2
Lucas Neff @RealLucasNeff
Stealing someone's naked photos is the same as tearing someone's clothes off in public. It's sexual assault.
2d               
259
257
TextsFromLastNight @TFLN
(724): I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
2d               
2,163
894
Jensen Karp @JensenClan88
I can finally move on. RT @SPINmagazine: Damon Dash sorry about pouring champagne on women in the "Big Pimpin" video. go.spin.com/VQXm1v
5d               
14
4
Josh Madden @Joshmadden
my neck my back my netflix & my snacks
5d               
375
313
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Sharing a beer with someone for the 1st time is awkward because they always want to know who you are & why you’re drinking from their glass
5d               
321
197
molly @Molly_Kats
I have been laughing at this for an hour. pic.twitter.com/oQkUQj9WAA
5d               
295
90
Michael @Home_Halfway
"Make love not war" I yelled, as I filled our unit's guns with condoms and became the only soldier to get fired during combat
5d               
46
10
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
No, I'm not impressed your kid knows so much about dinosaurs, because he doesn't have a job.
6d               
424
194
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
Everyone who survived the Titanic is dead now. So what was the point?
6d               
58
16
Sasha Spielberg @sashaspielberg
It's just really confusing cause Christian really was hitting on Cher in the beginning I don't think she was misreading signs
7d               
22
7
Bill Dixon @BillDixonish
I'm not boycotting Burger King because they avoid corporate taxes. I boycott Burger King because McDonalds exists.
7d               
29
14
Michael @Home_Halfway
The thing about elevator jokes is that they work on every level
7d               
250
128
Tegan and Sara @teganandsara
#AllisonJanney on The West Wing. Never forget.
8d               
272
98
Travon Free @Travon
"Wait, Chris Brown AND Suge Knight are gonna be there? What could possibly go wrong?!"
9d               
84
35
Trevor S @trevso_electric
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub, in the corner texting my ex because we're still in love.
9d               
257
37
Travon Free @Travon
If you make a conscious decision to attend a party with both Chris Brown and Suge Knight present, you deserve whatever hand fate deals you.
9d               
146
63
Jen Regen @jennregen
When I find out people have a cat everything else usually falls into place.
9d               
2
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Ummm... Nah. Too easy. RT @chrisbrown: It's disappointing that we as a society can't enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes.
9d               
705
371
no @welltbh
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's getting cut next.
10d               
606
859
caprice crane @capricecrane
That ex you've been stalking on social media hasn't thought about you at all. Have a great day!
10d               
232
127
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
"Please, no tipping." - cow bartenders
10d               
17
3
Guy Endore-Kaiser @GuyEndoreKaiser
You know you live in a messed up society when smoking weed in your own home is illegal but humming in grocery store checkout lines isn't.
10d               
416
167
Gabs @Advwarlo
While movie stars,footballers make the #IceBucketChallenge , @samantharonson says #conservewater .This ladies and gentlemen is admirable!!👌
11d               
3
Jarrett Bellini, CNN @JarrettBellini
Want to use Tom Hanks' typewriter? cnn.com/2014/08/22/tec… It's like Word by harder. pic.twitter.com/wz0hP9qIWY
11d               
6
1
todd levin @toddlevin
@AndyRichter I'd pay double admission to see a pre-CGI version of Sin City: just a buncha idiots holding steering wheels on a green set.
12d in reply to AndyRichter               
29
3
Trevor S @trevso_electric
The sound of falling rain at night is Xanax for the soul.
12d               
223
90
LaurenBedfordRussell @1LaurenRussell
What I've learned in adulthood is that you need to have two close friends. 1. a doctor 2. a lawyer
12d               
48
14
molly @Molly_Kats
STOP TEXTING ME CVS I WILL PICK UP MY ANTI-DEPRESSANT WHEN I CAN GET OFF MY COUCH
12d               
418
81
Michael @Home_Halfway
Why isn't Easter Island a group of large bunny heads instead
12d               
49
6
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
When people ask me to follow them on Twitter they never tell me where we're going.
12d               
173
63
Trevor S @trevso_electric
I would like to thank Jamie Lee Curtis for nominating me for the Activia Challenge.
12d               
390
157
dan mentos @DanMentos
I never should have signed that 10 year rental agreement for this stupid flagpole. Fuck the pole lease
13d               
454
174
Hugh Laurie @hughlaurie
If you look at Wolf Blitzer for long enough, I swear you can see a cloud.
13d               
664
285
rory @rorynotroy
If droplets of blood fall on you from the ceiling, do not bother to see if everything is chill, just do a punch straight up in the air.
13d               
56
8
Bella Hadid @bellahadid
@samantharonson: @bellahadid it is dorky funny- which is MY KINDA funny”i made sam laugh. this is a big deal.
13d in reply to samantharonson               
11
1
Josh @joshbupkes
I miss the days when you just settled your family wherever your horse happened to die
13d               
190
36
shannonwoodward @shannonwoodward
If you don't mind, I've just got a few quick questions... pic.twitter.com/SvfjisYQQt
13d               
92
21
Emmy Blotnick @emmyblotnick
I'd be rude too if the guy trying to marry my daughter was a white reggae singer
13d               
1,240
593
Tegan and Sara @teganandsara
La-la-la loving the new @gaslightanthem record, Get Hurt. It's fantastic! Ch ch ch check it out!
13d               
281
126
Patricia Arquette @PattyArquette
@samantharonson We couldn't be friends for a lot more reasons than that.
14d in reply to samantharonson               
12
2
caprice crane @capricecrane
I knew it was a dream because the cord to plug in my iPhone was a length that actually made sense.
14d               
224
99
Witchy Woman @dreamthievin
Going in so hard on this pizza, whoever pulls it out of my hands will be the next king of England
15d               
154
65
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
I think I'll be a pretty great dad one day, on weekends and some holidays, depending on how crazy stuff at work is. We'll see.
15d               
1,201
725
Will Arnett™ @arnettwill
- "What do we want???"
- "Amnesia patients right!!!"
- "What do we want?...."
15d               
282
106
The Onion @TheOnion
Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting onion.com/1w1daPL pic.twitter.com/X7m7lC4giy
15d               
469
271
shauna @goldengateblond
I'm "when I was a kid, you actually had to WIN to get a trophy" years old.
15d               
38
8
Jensen Karp @JensenClan88
I challenge Justin Bobby from The Hills to the Ice Bucket Challenge.
16d               
68
27
caprice crane @capricecrane
Comment "Looks fun. Guess my invite got lost in the mail!" on every photo your friends post for the next 24 hours.
17d               
164
64
Quincy Jones @QuincyDJones
Mourning the loss of the great Lauren Bacall. We laughed and loved all the way back to the days of The Rat Pack.
20d               
77
62
Alex Baze @bazecraze
People who are always impeccably dressed aren't busy enough.
20d               
310
128
no @welltbh
I can't wait until phones become waterproof, just so that pushing people in pools becomes funny again.
23d               
953
2,097
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Most people don't know Steve Jobs' last words were, "Never...let them...delete...the Stocks app."
25d               
1,730
639
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Writing a movie called "Eminemento", about a guy who repeatedly forgets about Dre.
26d               
1,882
1,550
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
*dresses up like waldo for google maps trucks*
26d               
66
21
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Do I need to show a medicinal marijuana ID card if I'm already wearing camouflage cargo shorts?
26d               
600
215
UberFacts @UberFacts
Shakira was rejected from the school choir because the teacher thought she sounded like a goat.
26d               
4,434
2,634
dj evil one @djevilone
NBA free agent Greg Oden was arrested on domestic violence charges, immediately making him a highly sought after NFL free agent.
26d               
5
Trevor S @trevso_electric
Welcome to Ciara's Dispensary!
This. Weed. Is:
Hydroponic
Super chronic
Sticky green and skunky fresh.
26d               
193
42
Dirty South @dirtysouth
Hey @Alesso pic.twitter.com/w5FOlX0W9j
26d               
127
66
Molly McAleer @molls
The Siri user experience is hopefully the closest most of us will get to parenting a for real genius that turns to heroin at an early age.
26d               
51
18
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Watching a Daft Punk cover band and getting pissed. Turns out I'm also a Daft Punk cover band. I own an iPod and can wear a stupid helmet.
26d               
176
56
caprice crane @capricecrane
He was really nervous his first time, but she said not to worry--it would be great. So...he rolled down his window and asked for directions.
27d               
109
52
natasha lyonne @nlyonne
I accidentally got on a non smoking flight and now it's too late to change planes!
28d               
478
96
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
If putting on exercise clothes and sitting in front of your laptop burns calories, then it's been a real productive day for me
28d               
191
89
Tim Long @mrtimlong
I thought it was just a casual group devoted to blue öysters. Little did I know that I'd joined a cult.
29d               
84
16
UberFacts @UberFacts
The average worker ant will walk more than 4 miles during its lifetime - The average queen ant will walk no more than 4 feet.
30d               
1,600
677
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
My 8yo daughter, in a discussion about cinema w her 11yo cousin: "So, wait, he only can kill ppl on Elm Street? Just move!"
30d               
862
270
Molly McNearney @mollymcnearney
Two minutes into the Beyoncé Jay-Z concert and I already regret what I'm wearing.
30d               
155
9
kelly oxford @kellyoxford
I would pay Liam Neeson 1MILLION dollars to follow me around and shout "Get the fuck out of her way" for one afternoon.
31d               
1,352
675
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
Look, I'm sorry, some of you are tweeting too much. Get your houses in order.
32d               
30
1
Erin Foster @efosta
Talking shit about the earth! New low. “@UberFacts: 3.4 billion years ago, the Earth was much cooler...”
32d               
21
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
Sorry, were you saying something? I was completely ignoring you and worrying about stupid things I can't control
32d               
295
137
Jason Sweeney @sween
God: *opens beer*
Jesus: Isn't it a little early for that?
God: It's five o'clock somewhere.
Jesus: No, it isn't.
God: *creates universe*
32d               
147
84
Nic Adler @nicadler
Son's up. I mean sun's up.
32d               
5
1
Natasha Bedingfield @natashabdnfield
@AbeHershey: @natashabdnfield Is your pocket still full of sunshine?” Yup!
32d in reply to AbeHershey               
44
15
UberFacts @UberFacts
Being in love shows up in brain scans like an addiction, not an emotion.
32d               
3,499
2,180
no @welltbh
If Watermelon Exists Why Doesn’t Earthmelon, Firemelon And Airmelon?

The Elemelons.
33d               
931
1,160
Bridgid Ryan @bridgidry
Attack of the too nice waiter!
33d               
3
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
If you didn't want me to get my phone out you shouldn't have paused for a breath between sentences.
33d               
363
128
what @chanelpuke
When u lose ur stingray but then u find it again pic.twitter.com/xeZn02FjGx
33d               
6,074
3,550
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Whenever there's a very complex political situation I only want to hear from actors.
33d               
1,007
572
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
How Lord Of The Flies should I let this playdate get?
33d               
441
92
Flan Petty @atrak
Artwork inspiration. pic.twitter.com/k37Wp7MPyw
33d               
130
70
alexa chung @alexa_chung
I'm 25 years too old to be saying "Never eat shredded wheat" in my head before exiting a station.
33d               
1,727
469
Tim Long @mrtimlong
I've loved A$AP Rocky ever since he beat up A$AP Mr. T
34d               
31
14
Sara Scully @SaraSScully
Watching Maury, or as I like to call it, Real Housewives of My Hometown.
35d               
12
4
Kat Dennings @OfficialKat
I hear an owl close by and that is magical as fuck
35d               
1,743
600
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
I wonder if I'm in Expendables 3?
35d               
92
31
caprice crane @capricecrane
If someone says "Who are you gonna call" and your natural instinct isn't to say "Ghostbusters," I probably don't want to know you.
35d               
314
286
Jen Statsky @jenstatsky
Wonder if Mr. Potato Head ever makes Mrs. Potato Head wear his face so he can fuck himself. Well, choosing to hit send on this tweet!
35d               
287
48
Michael @Home_Halfway
It's illegal to scream "MOVIE!!!! in a fire station.
35d               
129
26
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Might go hang around a gun store and whenever someone makes a purchase, begin screaming, "HE'S GOT A GUN"
35d               
583
166
Travon Free @Travon
Wait, who thought that Nicki Minaj album cover WASN'T Photoshopped? Because I have a tower in Paris I'd like to sell you.
35d               
43
14
donni @donni
"For Whoomp The Bell Tolls" -Tag Teamingway
36d               
36
12
moody monday @mdob11
Imagine liking someone so much you listen to their voicemail
36d               
1,091
523
B.J. Novak @bjnovak
If someone says "you were in my dream last night!" and doesn't proceed to tell you something insanely fucked up, they are lying by omission
37d               
2,690
1,100
Jeremy Rowley @Jeremy_Rowley
In Florida, if two girls wearing Gladiator sandals run into each other in public, they legally have to fight.
37d               
8
1
Billy Mann @BillyMann
That feeling when you've made a new friend... but inside you just know it's an old friend...
38d               
17
6
Megan Amram @meganamram
It must be frustrating for Meryl Streep that she's been typecast as "Oscar nominated actress"
39d               
1,305
380
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I just bonded with a monkey and then she tried to kill my son when he hugged me. I have a zoo prison wife.
39d               
88
9
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Sure, your app can send me push notifications. Just give me your home number so I can call you to let you know I got them.
39d               
259
123
Jayson Musson @therealhennessy
The sheer chaos and ass whoopery that would occur if you didn't hold your 5'4" boy back when he yelled "Hold me back yo!"
39d               
15
6
Andy Ritchie @_AndyRitchie
Chuck Knoblauch was arrested for throwing a humidifier at his wife, luckily she was standing on first base and was unharmed.
40d               
8
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
*Guy walks by a homeless man wearing a Star Wars shirt*

"Pfft. Greedo shot first."
HEY BUDDY I'M NOT LOOKING FOR HAN-DOUBTS
40d               
80
21
billy eichner @billyeichner
To all those people who get excited about 50 Shades of Grey - you guys know about porn right?
40d               
1,737
1,199
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
There are now officially more Panda Express restaurants than actual pandas.
41d               
216
79
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Batman is a real inspiration to those of us who watched our parents get murdered outside the opera.
41d               
83
32
no @welltbh
me: i cant eat anymore im full
food: eat me
me: ok
42d               
696
1,227
Mike Vecchione @ComicMikeV
When a woman is walking and texting. Just touch the side of her face and whisper: "you can stop, I am here."#emojinalavailable
42d               
9
Tim Long @mrtimlong
My gym teacher used to call us "ladies" & I'd like to salute his progressive attitude towards gender roles
42d               
88
24
God @TheTweetOfGod
At those darkest moments when it feels like I've abandoned you, remember: I was never with you to begin with.
42d               
5,549
5,654
shauna @goldengateblond
A fun summer game is to name all mosquitoes Satan and then watch people freak as you swat at the air yelling BACK SATAN GET BACK
42d               
54
30
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
Dear people more successful than me: Please stop calling being famous "surreal." You're not a giraffe on fire or a melting clock. Thank you.
42d               
224
70
Rivka Rossi @sofifii
If I know one thing about today it's that I won't truly be awake until the day is almost over
42d               
128
140
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
TV Pitch: "Do You Think You Can Dance?", where amnesia patients bet their life savings guessing if they have professional dance training.
43d               
280
100
icecubetray @icecubetray
Everyone, out of my life. Everybody. Party's over. I don't care where you go but you can't stay here. You, you can stay
43d               
15
3
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Just fast-forwarded through a show's opening credits. Now to decide how to spend those extra 30 seconds of my evening
43d               
327
56
albertina rizzo @albz
One day we're all going to find out "The Bachelorette" is actually a really elaborate and drawn out Axe Body Spray campaign.
43d               
62
17
Cher @cher
THIS IDEA WONT B POPULAR & I DONT GIVE A FLYING FK! I DONT LIKE ZOO’S & PPL WHO PUT ANIMALS IN CAGES R
ANIMALS! #BILLY
#ARTURO #SEAWORLD
43d               
934
544
J Chris Newberg @thechrisarmy
My check engine light came on a year ago and suddenly yesterday, my car died. I wish someone would have warned me.
44d               
4
1
Conway @ConwayMusic
I've added mashed potatoes to the list of food I exist on. And by list I mean...2 things. Mac n Cheese you're still my boo...don't stress
44d               
13
4
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
Guys we did it! We gave our kids self-esteem! Can we please stop now? They're all kind of douchy. #ParticipationTrophies
44d               
436
212
Kevin Biggins @TheBiggIdea
How do the texts that tell you your text didn't go through go through?
44d               
47
16
Dani Fernandez @msdanifernandez
If you liked "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" youll enjoy other hits like "This Toaster Toasts Things" and "Whats the Phone Number for 911"
45d               
1,549
820
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Why aren't there any songs about going to the club but the line is really long and you feel stupid waiting so you just go home?
45d               
1,622
812
Flan Petty @atrak
DJ Cumbersome Cucumber Incumbent. In the mix.
45d               
41
7
Lena Dunham @lenadunham
Saw a girl get so scared by a pigeon that she started to cry and for a moment it was really hard to be a part of the sisterhood
45d               
4,336
1,411
Bo Burnham @boburnham
Hey new followers! I wrote a book of poetry: amazon.com/gp/aw/d/145551… it has stuff like this in it pic.twitter.com/kFHvrUveUL
45d               
4,064
1,693
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Congratulations! Your toddler is already annoying restaurants at a first grade level.
45d               
425
138
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
plot twist: you are the boss of me
45d               
66
20
LEFT UNATTENDED With @iDstroy
Drake must own every American Girl Doll.
45d               
5
4
Har Mar Superstar @HarMarSuperstar
I listen to the Remix because the artist's original intent was probably way off.
46d               
40
27
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"I'm not a garbageman, I'm garbage man." - Depressed Jay-Z
46d               
98
16
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
"Tip jar" is a terrible name for something you don't want me to knock off the counter
46d               
112
43
Tim Long @mrtimlong
"Take these broken wings/ and learn to fly again..." I NEVER FORGOT HOW TO FLY, JUST GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN WINGS THAT AREN'T BROKEN
46d               
54
14
Bill Dixon @BillDixonish
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" - someone self-centered who thinks it's always about them
46d               
22
6
shauna @goldengateblond
weird how no one at Christina Aguilera's baby shower wanted any cake pic.twitter.com/NqWHXDNY0X
46d               
36
12
Kris Sanchez @KrisSanchez
Shocked by 2 things:

1) That something happened to another Malaysia Airlines flight.

2) That people are still flying Malaysia Airlines.
46d               
233
202
UberFacts @UberFacts
During the Cold War, the U.S. considered airdropping enormous condoms labeled "Medium" on the Soviets.
46d               
1,995
1,184
LA Riots @LARiots
Then flipped me off as he drove away. My aim is impeccable. Threw the bag of shit at his van and splattered all over it. Have a nice day!
47d               
21
2
josh groban @joshgroban
"My hotel room has two beds and you should be in one of them" - sext from the 50's
47d               
1,723
626
Joel Madden @JoelMadden
Thank you New Zealand for making the @Maddenbrothers #WeAreDone #1 We appreciate you all giving our new this love. It means everything!
47d               
392
115
Anonymous @YourAnonNews
If you wish to be Anonymous or simply anonymous online this can help you get started in protecting your privacy. bit.ly/1zPdnVJ
47d               
282
133
Anna Drezen @annadrezen
I can't relate when friends worry their period is late bc I don't track mine. They're all "I'm late!" and I'm all "Shit we had homework?!?"
47d               
221
71
S V @svholmes
@samantharonson power to the people !!!! pic.twitter.com/XCAHibU35Y
47d in reply to samantharonson               
2
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Sorry I haven't tweeted in over 24 hours, I've been waiting for my parents to order at a restaurant.
47d               
535
122
Amanda de Cadenet @amandadecadenet
You are a good friend !!! RT @samantharonson: @amandadecadenet such a fox!
47d               
4
Aaron Tarnow @atarnow
@alispagnola My anaconda don't want none unless you have very clearly and obviously consented, hon.
47d in reply to alispagnola               
69
45
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you TREAT HER RESPECTFULLY
47d               
563
445
Trevor S @trevso_electric
Okay guys so apparently we need a new abbreviation for our fan group, the Kim Kardashian Klub.
47d               
185
46
brian kiley @kileynoodles
My brother doesn’t care what people think which is not the best quality in a mind reader.
47d               
37
20
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I just ate five Flintstone’s Vitamins because I’m an adult and I say I can.
47d               
99
19
Josh Comers @joshcomers
Stopped using paper notebooks. Guess you can say I went off my Meads.
47d               
24
2
Andy Ritchie @_AndyRitchie
Watching the American History X Games, some dude just goofy footed a curbing
47d               
6
1
josh groban @joshgroban
"You Started From My Bottom, Now You're Here!" - Drake's new potty training book, if I had anything to do with it.
48d               
874
373
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I'd like a bug spray that also repels humans
48d               
161
87
Blake Mills @BreakMirrors
"Blake Mills is the last guitar player I heard that I thought was phenomenal." -- Eric Clapton, Rolling Stone music.yahoo.com/news/clapton-c…
48d               
64
44
Trevor S @trevso_electric
If you get mad about Kanye's absurd, over-the-top narcissism, it prevents you from enjoying what is objectively some great music.
48d               
158
45
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
Pretty lofty claim, No More Tears Shampoo, but what about the other 23 hours and 50 minutes of my day?
49d               
62
30
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
Good Cop: Here let me take those cuffs off

Tadd Cop: Here bro I got u these sea shell bracelets to wear instead we're gonna get hella laid
49d               
60
13
MNDR @MNDR
You know what. I'll do what I want
49d               
9
3
joe lupo @joelupo9
Watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad in 3 weeks....and got nothing accomplished! I can move on now, thank goodness!
49d               
2
Simmy Kustanowitz @simmykay
Hey TV detectives: Can't find the bad guys? Search all the empty churches in your area and look for the two guys sitting on separate pews.
49d               
181
53
Trevor S @trevso_electric
Oh no please don't confuse me genuinely hating you with flirting.
50d               
303
130
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff
omg this Keith Sweat song is SO sad he thought she was down but she was not
50d               
58
22
Jeremy Rowley @Jeremy_Rowley
Saw Ghostbusters again recently. 1) Still rad. 2) Approximately 35% of the special effects are done with hair spray.
50d               
4
Sterling Fox @mrsterlingfox
Palestine and Israel is not the World Cup - you don't pick sides. The only thing we should be supporting is peace
50d               
50
41
annabelle @annabelle_nyst
i was planning on going to the gym tonight but i think instead i'll lay down and eat
50d               
44
4
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
A good way to avoid small talk with a barber is to answer every question with, "It's the simplest thing in the world, killing a man."
50d               
171
34
SUPERHEROES OF BMX @CATHDISCBTON
@samantharonson Germany = loving life like pros
Argentina = that weird drunk guy yelling "I still love you Sarah!!!" at 4am in the street...
51d in reply to samantharonson               
1
UberFacts @UberFacts
About one in every 4 million lobsters is born with a rare genetic defect that turns it blue. pic.twitter.com/G9ElardRJZ
51d               
3,436
1,412
alexa chung @alexa_chung
This immigration queue is so epic that actual storylines are beginning to form within the human snake. There's been hope, betrayal...
51d               
571
91
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
Kids are gonna go nuts for this new cereal: instagram.com/p/qan2vzNsvh
51d               
57
14
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
if I see a guy with a bunch of feces smeared on his arm I'm like well at least it isn't a tribal tattoo
51d               
524
235
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Just harmonized along to Sugar Ray in an Uber and the driver looked irritated. I guess they're not supposed to fall in love with passengers.
51d               
445
81
moby @thelittleidiot
Having been sick and hungover on a few thousand flights I can honestly say I love not being sick and hungover.
51d               
87
10
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Mabel, hold my calls till August. / @alyankovic I'll be premiering 8 brand new music videos - one every day for 8 days - starting TOMORROW.
51d in reply to alyankovic               
18
2
Trevor S @trevso_electric
No matter what happens between Germany and Argentina, I hope they can stay friends & continue to hide each others' war criminals
52d               
748
498
Courtney Love Cobain @Courtney
You'll never find me repeating gossip, so listen carefully the first time...
52d               
548
265
The Kid Mero @THEKIDMERO
THAT "LIKE THE CEILING CANT HOOOEEEEDDDUSSS" SONG IS THE MOST ANNOYING SHIT EVER
53d               
48
19
shauna @goldengateblond
Why Am I Sticky and Other Questions Best Left Unanswered
53d               
42
7
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
don't have the heart to tell guy with zero followers who consistently gives me a #FF every Friday how twitter works
53d               
97
10
Harold Aloysius Nuss @cornlog
Doing another purge of friends, this time people who say "anyways" instead of "anyway"
53d               
45
11
DJ Spider @deejayspider
#tbt Hand drawn flyer for my old college radio show pic.twitter.com/AzGbjtjmpZ
54d               
10
1
Tim Long @mrtimlong
I was "home-schooled" (got into a rap battle with my Dad & lost badly).
54d               
256
78
shauna @goldengateblond
In this white tank top and black bra, I'm just one Marlboro Light and a keg of PBR away from my own series on MTV.
55d               
58
3
Jamie Woodham @jwoodham
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Then I'd put an R before and an N after because that's what I do to everything.
55d               
725
356
Kia Makarechi @Kia_Mak
Bieber makes music by listening to noise-canceling headphones that aren't plugged into anything 👍 pic.twitter.com/QK2kinIixY
55d               
21
15
UberFacts @UberFacts
The less people know, the more they think they know. This is called the Dunning-Kruger effect.
55d               
2,238
1,884
Lucas Neff @RealLucasNeff
the people who find me offensive

i don't mind offending those people
55d               
43
32
Steve Amiri @SteveAmiri
Lamborghini is Italian for "How do doors work?"
55d               
40
29
no @welltbh
Do you ever wana treat someone how they treat you but can't because it's not in your character
55d               
652
823
Steve Amiri @SteveAmiri
Robin Thicke just wrote two albums about half a burrito he threw away yesterday.
55d               
28
7
Lucas Neff @RealLucasNeff
nothin pisses people off more than when someone notices their hypocrisy. unless tht someone is a lesbian child refugee who wants health care
55d               
7
Michael @Home_Halfway
Did you hear about the half-God that got his own place? He has a Hercu-lease. *nudges guy next to me* I said he has a Hercu-lease
55d               
77
8
Tim Long @mrtimlong
First off, no one doubts that you came to get down. Second, I fail to see why that requires me to jump around.
55d               
60
28
CATEGORY 6 PLURICANE @diplo
This is the only time these glasses r kool to wear 👓 @ Athens, Grece instagram.com/p/qOC79tqMrZ/
56d               
93
14
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