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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
samantha ronsonLos Angeles2009-03-03
@samantharonson2,004 days
http://t.co/5oImVxOE6a Don't be mad, UPS is hiring.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
1,553,56681621,4627,3812,320
We found 199 favorite tweets.
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
No, I'm not impressed your kid knows so much about dinosaurs, because he doesn't have a job.
22h               
385
180
Jack Burditt @jackburditt
Everyone who survived the Titanic is dead now. So what was the point?
1d               
51
15
Sasha Spielberg @sashaspielberg
It's just really confusing cause Christian really was hitting on Cher in the beginning I don't think she was misreading signs
2d               
21
7
Bill Dixon @BillDixonish
I'm not boycotting Burger King because they avoid corporate taxes. I boycott Burger King because McDonalds exists.
2d               
26
13
Michael @Home_Halfway
The thing about elevator jokes is that they work on every level
2d               
239
123
Tegan and Sara @teganandsara
#AllisonJanney on The West Wing. Never forget.
2d               
273
97
Travon Free @Travon
"Wait, Chris Brown AND Suge Knight are gonna be there? What could possibly go wrong?!"
4d               
85
35
Trevor S @trevso_electric
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub, in the corner texting my ex because we're still in love.
4d               
253
36
Travon Free @Travon
If you make a conscious decision to attend a party with both Chris Brown and Suge Knight present, you deserve whatever hand fate deals you.
4d               
146
63
Jen Regen @jennregen
When I find out people have a cat everything else usually falls into place.
4d               
2
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Ummm... Nah. Too easy. RT @chrisbrown: It's disappointing that we as a society can't enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes.
4d               
699
372
no @welltbh
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's getting cut next.
5d               
588
817
caprice crane @capricecrane
That ex you've been stalking on social media hasn't thought about you at all. Have a great day!
5d               
228
125
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
"Please, no tipping." - cow bartenders
5d               
17
3
Guy Endore-Kaiser @GuyEndoreKaiser
You know you live in a messed up society when smoking weed in your own home is illegal but humming in grocery store checkout lines isn't.
5d               
408
162
Gabs @Advwarlo
While movie stars,footballers make the #IceBucketChallenge , @samantharonson says #conservewater .This ladies and gentlemen is admirable!!👌
5d               
3
Jarrett Bellini, CNN @JarrettBellini
Want to use Tom Hanks' typewriter? cnn.com/2014/08/22/tec… It's like Word by harder. pic.twitter.com/wz0hP9qIWY
6d               
6
1
todd levin @toddlevin
@AndyRichter I'd pay double admission to see a pre-CGI version of Sin City: just a buncha idiots holding steering wheels on a green set.
6d in reply to AndyRichter               
29
3
Trevor S @trevso_electric
The sound of falling rain at night is Xanax for the soul.
6d               
223
89
Lauren Greenberg @LaurenGreenberg
"Hey stranger" is they daytime version of "u up?"
6d               
36
7
LaurenBedfordRussell @1LaurenRussell
What I've learned in adulthood is that you need to have two close friends. 1. a doctor 2. a lawyer
6d               
48
14
molly @Molly_Kats
STOP TEXTING ME CVS I WILL PICK UP MY ANTI-DEPRESSANT WHEN I CAN GET OFF MY COUCH
7d               
358
67
Michael @Home_Halfway
Why isn't Easter Island a group of large bunny heads instead
7d               
49
6
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
When people ask me to follow them on Twitter they never tell me where we're going.
7d               
169
64
Trevor S @trevso_electric
I would like to thank Jamie Lee Curtis for nominating me for the Activia Challenge.
7d               
390
158
dan mentos @DanMentos
I never should have signed that 10 year rental agreement for this stupid flagpole. Fuck the pole lease
7d               
444
174
Hugh Laurie @hughlaurie
If you look at Wolf Blitzer for long enough, I swear you can see a cloud.
7d               
654
281
rory @rorynotroy
If droplets of blood fall on you from the ceiling, do not bother to see if everything is chill, just do a punch straight up in the air.
7d               
56
8
Bella Hadid @bellahadid
@samantharonson: @bellahadid it is dorky funny- which is MY KINDA funny”i made sam laugh. this is a big deal.
7d in reply to samantharonson               
11
1
Josh @joshbupkes
I miss the days when you just settled your family wherever your horse happened to die
7d               
187
38
shannonwoodward @shannonwoodward
If you don't mind, I've just got a few quick questions... pic.twitter.com/SvfjisYQQt
8d               
91
21
Emmy Blotnick @emmyblotnick
I'd be rude too if the guy trying to marry my daughter was a white reggae singer
8d               
1,234
586
Tegan and Sara @teganandsara
La-la-la loving the new @gaslightanthem record, Get Hurt. It's fantastic! Ch ch ch check it out!
8d               
284
127
Patricia Arquette @PattyArquette
@samantharonson We couldn't be friends for a lot more reasons than that.
8d in reply to samantharonson               
12
2
caprice crane @capricecrane
I knew it was a dream because the cord to plug in my iPhone was a length that actually made sense.
9d               
221
97
Witchy Woman @dreamthievin
Going in so hard on this pizza, whoever pulls it out of my hands will be the next king of England
10d               
152
66
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
I think I'll be a pretty great dad one day, on weekends and some holidays, depending on how crazy stuff at work is. We'll see.
10d               
1,191
716
Will Arnett™ @arnettwill
- "What do we want???"
- "Amnesia patients right!!!"
- "What do we want?...."
10d               
282
106
The Onion @TheOnion
Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting onion.com/1w1daPL pic.twitter.com/X7m7lC4giy
10d               
470
273
shauna @goldengateblond
I'm "when I was a kid, you actually had to WIN to get a trophy" years old.
10d               
38
8
Jensen Karp @JensenClan88
I challenge Justin Bobby from The Hills to the Ice Bucket Challenge.
10d               
69
28
caprice crane @capricecrane
Comment "Looks fun. Guess my invite got lost in the mail!" on every photo your friends post for the next 24 hours.
11d               
164
64
Quincy Jones @QuincyDJones
Mourning the loss of the great Lauren Bacall. We laughed and loved all the way back to the days of The Rat Pack.
15d               
72
60
Alex Baze @bazecraze
People who are always impeccably dressed aren't busy enough.
15d               
302
126
no @welltbh
I can't wait until phones become waterproof, just so that pushing people in pools becomes funny again.
18d               
953
2,099
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Most people don't know Steve Jobs' last words were, "Never...let them...delete...the Stocks app."
19d               
1,710
638
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Writing a movie called "Eminemento", about a guy who repeatedly forgets about Dre.
21d               
1,876
1,545
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
*dresses up like waldo for google maps trucks*
21d               
67
21
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Do I need to show a medicinal marijuana ID card if I'm already wearing camouflage cargo shorts?
21d               
589
214
UberFacts @UberFacts
Shakira was rejected from the school choir because the teacher thought she sounded like a goat.
21d               
4,438
2,634
dj evil one @djevilone
NBA free agent Greg Oden was arrested on domestic violence charges, immediately making him a highly sought after NFL free agent.
21d               
5
Trevor S @trevso_electric
Welcome to Ciara's Dispensary!
This. Weed. Is:
Hydroponic
Super chronic
Sticky green and skunky fresh.
21d               
191
42
Dirty South @dirtysouth
Hey @Alesso pic.twitter.com/w5FOlX0W9j
21d               
127
66
Molly McAleer @molls
The Siri user experience is hopefully the closest most of us will get to parenting a for real genius that turns to heroin at an early age.
21d               
50
18
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
Watching a Daft Punk cover band and getting pissed. Turns out I'm also a Daft Punk cover band. I own an iPod and can wear a stupid helmet.
21d               
176
56
caprice crane @capricecrane
He was really nervous his first time, but she said not to worry--it would be great. So...he rolled down his window and asked for directions.
21d               
109
52
natasha lyonne @nlyonne
I accidentally got on a non smoking flight and now it's too late to change planes!
22d               
483
96
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
If putting on exercise clothes and sitting in front of your laptop burns calories, then it's been a real productive day for me
23d               
189
88
Tim Long @mrtimlong
I thought it was just a casual group devoted to blue öysters. Little did I know that I'd joined a cult.
24d               
84
16
UberFacts @UberFacts
The average worker ant will walk more than 4 miles during its lifetime - The average queen ant will walk no more than 4 feet.
24d               
1,600
678
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
My 8yo daughter, in a discussion about cinema w her 11yo cousin: "So, wait, he only can kill ppl on Elm Street? Just move!"
24d               
862
270
Molly McNearney @mollymcnearney
Two minutes into the Beyoncé Jay-Z concert and I already regret what I'm wearing.
24d               
154
9
kelly oxford @kellyoxford
I would pay Liam Neeson 1MILLION dollars to follow me around and shout "Get the fuck out of her way" for one afternoon.
26d               
1,347
672
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia
Look, I'm sorry, some of you are tweeting too much. Get your houses in order.
26d               
30
1
Erin Foster @efosta
Talking shit about the earth! New low. “@UberFacts: 3.4 billion years ago, the Earth was much cooler...”
26d               
20
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
Sorry, were you saying something? I was completely ignoring you and worrying about stupid things I can't control
27d               
279
134
Jason Sweeney @sween
God: *opens beer*
Jesus: Isn't it a little early for that?
God: It's five o'clock somewhere.
Jesus: No, it isn't.
God: *creates universe*
27d               
147
84
Nic Adler @nicadler
Son's up. I mean sun's up.
27d               
5
1
Natasha Bedingfield @natashabdnfield
@AbeHershey: @natashabdnfield Is your pocket still full of sunshine?” Yup!
27d in reply to AbeHershey               
43
15
UberFacts @UberFacts
Being in love shows up in brain scans like an addiction, not an emotion.
27d               
3,499
2,183
no @welltbh
If Watermelon Exists Why Doesn’t Earthmelon, Firemelon And Airmelon?

The Elemelons.
27d               
929
1,162
Bridgid Ryan @bridgidry
Attack of the too nice waiter!
27d               
3
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
If you didn't want me to get my phone out you shouldn't have paused for a breath between sentences.
27d               
357
128
what @chanelpuke
When u lose ur stingray but then u find it again pic.twitter.com/xeZn02FjGx
27d               
6,065
3,548
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Whenever there's a very complex political situation I only want to hear from actors.
27d               
1,007
570
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
How Lord Of The Flies should I let this playdate get?
27d               
441
92
Bandmate Flan Emoji @atrak
Artwork inspiration. pic.twitter.com/k37Wp7MPyw
27d               
130
70
alexa chung @alexa_chung
I'm 25 years too old to be saying "Never eat shredded wheat" in my head before exiting a station.
28d               
1,724
469
Tim Long @mrtimlong
I've loved A$AP Rocky ever since he beat up A$AP Mr. T
29d               
31
14
Sara Scully @SaraSScully
Watching Maury, or as I like to call it, Real Housewives of My Hometown.
29d               
12
4
Kat Dennings @OfficialKat
I hear an owl close by and that is magical as fuck
29d               
1,741
599
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
I wonder if I'm in Expendables 3?
29d               
92
31
caprice crane @capricecrane
If someone says "Who are you gonna call" and your natural instinct isn't to say "Ghostbusters," I probably don't want to know you.
29d               
314
285
Jen Statsky @jenstatsky
Wonder if Mr. Potato Head ever makes Mrs. Potato Head wear his face so he can fuck himself. Well, choosing to hit send on this tweet!
29d               
287
48
Michael @Home_Halfway
It's illegal to scream "MOVIE!!!! in a fire station.
30d               
129
26
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Might go hang around a gun store and whenever someone makes a purchase, begin screaming, "HE'S GOT A GUN"
30d               
581
166
Travon Free @Travon
Wait, who thought that Nicki Minaj album cover WASN'T Photoshopped? Because I have a tower in Paris I'd like to sell you.
30d               
43
14
donni @donni
"For Whoomp The Bell Tolls" -Tag Teamingway
30d               
36
12
moody monday @mdob11
Imagine liking someone so much you listen to their voicemail
31d               
1,079
514
B.J. Novak @bjnovak
If someone says "you were in my dream last night!" and doesn't proceed to tell you something insanely fucked up, they are lying by omission
32d               
2,681
1,100
Jeremy Rowley @Jeremy_Rowley
In Florida, if two girls wearing Gladiator sandals run into each other in public, they legally have to fight.
32d               
8
1
Billy Mann @BillyMann
That feeling when you've made a new friend... but inside you just know it's an old friend...
32d               
17
6
Megan Amram @meganamram
It must be frustrating for Meryl Streep that she's been typecast as "Oscar nominated actress"
33d               
1,297
380
JennyPentland @JennyPentland
I just bonded with a monkey and then she tried to kill my son when he hugged me. I have a zoo prison wife.
33d               
88
9
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
Sure, your app can send me push notifications. Just give me your home number so I can call you to let you know I got them.
34d               
258
123
Jayson Musson @therealhennessy
The sheer chaos and ass whoopery that would occur if you didn't hold your 5'4" boy back when he yelled "Hold me back yo!"
34d               
15
6
Andy Ritchie @_AndyRitchie
Chuck Knoblauch was arrested for throwing a humidifier at his wife, luckily she was standing on first base and was unharmed.
35d               
8
6
Michael @Home_Halfway
*Guy walks by a homeless man wearing a Star Wars shirt*

"Pfft. Greedo shot first."
HEY BUDDY I'M NOT LOOKING FOR HAN-DOUBTS
35d               
79
20
billy eichner @billyeichner
To all those people who get excited about 50 Shades of Grey - you guys know about porn right?
35d               
1,740
1,201
Shari VanderWerf @shariv67
There are now officially more Panda Express restaurants than actual pandas.
35d               
217
79
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Batman is a real inspiration to those of us who watched our parents get murdered outside the opera.
35d               
83
33
no @welltbh
me: i cant eat anymore im full
food: eat me
me: ok
36d               
694
1,229
Mike Vecchione @ComicMikeV
When a woman is walking and texting. Just touch the side of her face and whisper: "you can stop, I am here."#emojinalavailable
36d               
9
Tim Long @mrtimlong
My gym teacher used to call us "ladies" & I'd like to salute his progressive attitude towards gender roles
37d               
88
24
God @TheTweetOfGod
At those darkest moments when it feels like I've abandoned you, remember: I was never with you to begin with.
37d               
5,517
5,635
shauna @goldengateblond
A fun summer game is to name all mosquitoes Satan and then watch people freak as you swat at the air yelling BACK SATAN GET BACK
37d               
54
30
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
Dear people more successful than me: Please stop calling being famous "surreal." You're not a giraffe on fire or a melting clock. Thank you.
37d               
224
71
Rivka Rossi @sofifii
If I know one thing about today it's that I won't truly be awake until the day is almost over
37d               
127
140
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
TV Pitch: "Do You Think You Can Dance?", where amnesia patients bet their life savings guessing if they have professional dance training.
37d               
280
100
icecubetray @icecubetray
Everyone, out of my life. Everybody. Party's over. I don't care where you go but you can't stay here. You, you can stay
37d               
15
3
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Just fast-forwarded through a show's opening credits. Now to decide how to spend those extra 30 seconds of my evening
37d               
328
56
albertina rizzo @albz
One day we're all going to find out "The Bachelorette" is actually a really elaborate and drawn out Axe Body Spray campaign.
37d               
62
17
Cher @cher
THIS IDEA WONT B POPULAR & I DONT GIVE A FLYING FK! I DONT LIKE ZOO’S & PPL WHO PUT ANIMALS IN CAGES R
ANIMALS! #BILLY
#ARTURO #SEAWORLD
38d               
934
545
J Chris Newberg @thechrisarmy
My check engine light came on a year ago and suddenly yesterday, my car died. I wish someone would have warned me.
38d               
4
1
Conway @ConwayMusic
I've added mashed potatoes to the list of food I exist on. And by list I mean...2 things. Mac n Cheese you're still my boo...don't stress
38d               
13
4
Danny Zuker @DannyZuker
Guys we did it! We gave our kids self-esteem! Can we please stop now? They're all kind of douchy. #ParticipationTrophies
39d               
435
211
Kevin Biggins @TheBiggIdea
How do the texts that tell you your text didn't go through go through?
39d               
47
16
Dani Fernandez @msdanifernandez
If you liked "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" youll enjoy other hits like "This Toaster Toasts Things" and "Whats the Phone Number for 911"
39d               
1,301
699
Gary Janetti @GaryJanetti
Why aren't there any songs about going to the club but the line is really long and you feel stupid waiting so you just go home?
39d               
1,626
809
Bandmate Flan Emoji @atrak
DJ Cumbersome Cucumber Incumbent. In the mix.
40d               
41
7
Lena Dunham @lenadunham
Saw a girl get so scared by a pigeon that she started to cry and for a moment it was really hard to be a part of the sisterhood
40d               
4,339
1,409
Bo Burnham @boburnham
Hey new followers! I wrote a book of poetry: amazon.com/gp/aw/d/145551… it has stuff like this in it pic.twitter.com/kFHvrUveUL
40d               
3,673
1,557
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Congratulations! Your toddler is already annoying restaurants at a first grade level.
40d               
424
139
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
plot twist: you are the boss of me
40d               
66
20
LEFT UNATTENDED With @iDstroy
Drake must own every American Girl Doll.
40d               
5
4
Har Mar Superstar @HarMarSuperstar
I listen to the Remix because the artist's original intent was probably way off.
40d               
40
27
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"I'm not a garbageman, I'm garbage man." - Depressed Jay-Z
40d               
98
16
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
"Tip jar" is a terrible name for something you don't want me to knock off the counter
40d               
112
43
Tim Long @mrtimlong
"Take these broken wings/ and learn to fly again..." I NEVER FORGOT HOW TO FLY, JUST GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN WINGS THAT AREN'T BROKEN
40d               
54
14
Bill Dixon @BillDixonish
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" - someone self-centered who thinks it's always about them
41d               
22
6
shauna @goldengateblond
weird how no one at Christina Aguilera's baby shower wanted any cake pic.twitter.com/NqWHXDNY0X
41d               
36
12
Kris Sanchez @KrisSanchez
Shocked by 2 things:

1) That something happened to another Malaysia Airlines flight.

2) That people are still flying Malaysia Airlines.
41d               
234
203
UberFacts @UberFacts
During the Cold War, the U.S. considered airdropping enormous condoms labeled "Medium" on the Soviets.
41d               
2,002
1,186
LA Riots @LARiots
Then flipped me off as he drove away. My aim is impeccable. Threw the bag of shit at his van and splattered all over it. Have a nice day!
41d               
21
2
josh groban @joshgroban
"My hotel room has two beds and you should be in one of them" - sext from the 50's
41d               
1,724
628
Joel Madden @JoelMadden
Thank you New Zealand for making the @Maddenbrothers #WeAreDone #1 We appreciate you all giving our new this love. It means everything!
41d               
393
115
Anonymous @YourAnonNews
If you wish to be Anonymous or simply anonymous online this can help you get started in protecting your privacy. bit.ly/1zPdnVJ
41d               
284
133
Anna Drezen @annadrezen
I can't relate when friends worry their period is late bc I don't track mine. They're all "I'm late!" and I'm all "Shit we had homework?!?"
42d               
221
71
S V @svholmes
@samantharonson power to the people !!!! pic.twitter.com/XCAHibU35Y
42d in reply to samantharonson               
2
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Sorry I haven't tweeted in over 24 hours, I've been waiting for my parents to order at a restaurant.
42d               
533
122
Amanda de Cadenet @amandadecadenet
You are a good friend !!! RT @samantharonson: @amandadecadenet such a fox!
42d               
4
Aaron Tarnow @atarnow
@alispagnola My anaconda don't want none unless you have very clearly and obviously consented, hon.
42d in reply to alispagnola               
69
45
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you TREAT HER RESPECTFULLY
42d               
562
445
Trevor S @trevso_electric
Okay guys so apparently we need a new abbreviation for our fan group, the Kim Kardashian Klub.
42d               
186
46
brian kiley @kileynoodles
My brother doesn’t care what people think which is not the best quality in a mind reader.
42d               
37
20
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I just ate five Flintstone’s Vitamins because I’m an adult and I say I can.
42d               
99
19
Josh Comers @joshcomers
Stopped using paper notebooks. Guess you can say I went off my Meads.
42d               
24
2
Andy Ritchie @_AndyRitchie
Watching the American History X Games, some dude just goofy footed a curbing
42d               
6
1
josh groban @joshgroban
"You Started From My Bottom, Now You're Here!" - Drake's new potty training book, if I had anything to do with it.
42d               
875
373
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
I'd like a bug spray that also repels humans
43d               
161
87
Blake Mills @BreakMirrors
"Blake Mills is the last guitar player I heard that I thought was phenomenal." -- Eric Clapton, Rolling Stone music.yahoo.com/news/clapton-c…
43d               
64
44
Trevor S @trevso_electric
If you get mad about Kanye's absurd, over-the-top narcissism, it prevents you from enjoying what is objectively some great music.
43d               
158
45
Dave Horwitz @Dave_Horwitz
Pretty lofty claim, No More Tears Shampoo, but what about the other 23 hours and 50 minutes of my day?
43d               
62
30
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
Good Cop: Here let me take those cuffs off

Tadd Cop: Here bro I got u these sea shell bracelets to wear instead we're gonna get hella laid
43d               
60
13
MNDR @MNDR
You know what. I'll do what I want
43d               
9
3
joe lupo @joelupo9
Watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad in 3 weeks....and got nothing accomplished! I can move on now, thank goodness!
43d               
2
Simmy Kustanowitz @simmykay
Hey TV detectives: Can't find the bad guys? Search all the empty churches in your area and look for the two guys sitting on separate pews.
43d               
181
53
Trevor S @trevso_electric
Oh no please don't confuse me genuinely hating you with flirting.
44d               
303
131
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff
omg this Keith Sweat song is SO sad he thought she was down but she was not
44d               
58
22
Jeremy Rowley @Jeremy_Rowley
Saw Ghostbusters again recently. 1) Still rad. 2) Approximately 35% of the special effects are done with hair spray.
44d               
4
Sterling Fox @mrsterlingfox
Palestine and Israel is not the World Cup - you don't pick sides. The only thing we should be supporting is peace
44d               
50
41
annabelle @annabelle_nyst
i was planning on going to the gym tonight but i think instead i'll lay down and eat
45d               
44
4
Matt Roller @rolldiggity
A good way to avoid small talk with a barber is to answer every question with, "It's the simplest thing in the world, killing a man."
45d               
171
34
SUPERHEROES OF BMX @CATHDISCBTON
@samantharonson Germany = loving life like pros
Argentina = that weird drunk guy yelling "I still love you Sarah!!!" at 4am in the street...
45d in reply to samantharonson               
1
UberFacts @UberFacts
About one in every 4 million lobsters is born with a rare genetic defect that turns it blue. pic.twitter.com/G9ElardRJZ
45d               
3,439
1,412
alexa chung @alexa_chung
This immigration queue is so epic that actual storylines are beginning to form within the human snake. There's been hope, betrayal...
45d               
569
92
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
Kids are gonna go nuts for this new cereal: instagram.com/p/qan2vzNsvh
45d               
57
14
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
if I see a guy with a bunch of feces smeared on his arm I'm like well at least it isn't a tribal tattoo
45d               
523
235
Julieanne Smolinski @BoobsRadley
Just harmonized along to Sugar Ray in an Uber and the driver looked irritated. I guess they're not supposed to fall in love with passengers.
46d               
445
81
moby @thelittleidiot
Having been sick and hungover on a few thousand flights I can honestly say I love not being sick and hungover.
46d               
87
10
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Mabel, hold my calls till August. / @alyankovic I'll be premiering 8 brand new music videos - one every day for 8 days - starting TOMORROW.
46d in reply to alyankovic               
18
2
Trevor S @trevso_electric
No matter what happens between Germany and Argentina, I hope they can stay friends & continue to hide each others' war criminals
46d               
748
499
Courtney Love Cobain @Courtney
You'll never find me repeating gossip, so listen carefully the first time...
47d               
548
265
The Kid Mero @THEKIDMERO
THAT "LIKE THE CEILING CANT HOOOEEEEDDDUSSS" SONG IS THE MOST ANNOYING SHIT EVER
47d               
48
19
shauna @goldengateblond
Why Am I Sticky and Other Questions Best Left Unanswered
47d               
42
7
Matt Oswalt @Puddinstrip
don't have the heart to tell guy with zero followers who consistently gives me a #FF every Friday how twitter works
48d               
97
10
Harold Aloysius Nuss @cornlog
Doing another purge of friends, this time people who say "anyways" instead of "anyway"
48d               
45
11
DJ Spider @deejayspider
#tbt Hand drawn flyer for my old college radio show pic.twitter.com/AzGbjtjmpZ
49d               
10
1
Tim Long @mrtimlong
I was "home-schooled" (got into a rap battle with my Dad & lost badly).
49d               
257
78
shauna @goldengateblond
In this white tank top and black bra, I'm just one Marlboro Light and a keg of PBR away from my own series on MTV.
49d               
58
3
Jamie Woodham @jwoodham
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Then I'd put an R before and an N after because that's what I do to everything.
49d               
721
356
Kia Makarechi @Kia_Mak
Bieber makes music by listening to noise-canceling headphones that aren't plugged into anything 👍 pic.twitter.com/QK2kinIixY
49d               
21
15
UberFacts @UberFacts
The less people know, the more they think they know. This is called the Dunning-Kruger effect.
49d               
2,238
1,887
Lucas Neff @RealLucasNeff
the people who find me offensive

i don't mind offending those people
49d               
43
32
Steve Amiri @SteveAmiri
Lamborghini is Italian for "How do doors work?"
49d               
40
29
no @welltbh
Do you ever wana treat someone how they treat you but can't because it's not in your character
49d               
652
823
Steve Amiri @SteveAmiri
Robin Thicke just wrote two albums about half a burrito he threw away yesterday.
49d               
28
7
Lucas Neff @RealLucasNeff
nothin pisses people off more than when someone notices their hypocrisy. unless tht someone is a lesbian child refugee who wants health care
49d               
7
Michael @Home_Halfway
Did you hear about the half-God that got his own place? He has a Hercu-lease. *nudges guy next to me* I said he has a Hercu-lease
49d               
77
8
Tim Long @mrtimlong
First off, no one doubts that you came to get down. Second, I fail to see why that requires me to jump around.
50d               
60
28
CATEGORY 6 PLURICANE @diplo
This is the only time these glasses r kool to wear 👓 @ Athens, Grece instagram.com/p/qOC79tqMrZ/
50d               
93
14
Bridgid Ryan @bridgidry
Hmmm, no, I wouldn't reeeally say I was co-dependent... why... did you want me to be????? <runs after a cocker spaniel>
50d               
4
Cherry Blossom Jones @playwithCBJ
Got a feeling this is gonna be a good summer ☀️☁️👌
50d               
3
Aubrey Plaza @evilhag
@ScottAukerman: Do you think Tom Hanks ever went to go save Private Ryan and got mixed up and saved Mr. Banks instead? DOYOUUUU???”ihateyou
51d in reply to ScottAukerman               
521
99
Conway @ConwayMusic
Sometimes I like to pretend street signs aren't serious.
Like whatever..it's cool. You say loading I say $58 valet. pic.twitter.com/n8NhOwSGFm
51d               
42
14
Steve Amiri @SteveAmiri
No but seriously everyone involved with that potato salad Kickstarter is an idiot.
52d               
25
4
caprice crane @capricecrane
A guy who made a kickstarter for $10 to make potato salad has raised over $15k with 25 days left. Also, that plane is still missing.
52d               
191
177
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Hey, valid question: why does the @CIA need a funny Twitter account?
52d               
161
66
Tim Long @mrtimlong
Remember kids — if you get a temporary tattoo, you can never be buried in a temporary Jewish cemetery
52d               
66
15
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