We found 193 favorite tweets.
🎉Go shorty, it's your birthday!🎁 Happy 1st birthday ❤️🐶
I dreamt Jack and Diane broke up.
Commuting via Ikebukuro means all the depachika salads I ever wanted.
These kids think they're too cool to do somersaults. Just get over yourself!
Talking with about the best form of communication: hitting people.
Make sure you slam your weights down at the gym so everyone around is impressed by how heavy they are and how strong you must be
Love me. More. More. More.
Nope, too much. Goodbye.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
Before you run your Super Bowl ad, ask yourself, "Would we be better served taking this money and just quietly setting it on fire?"
who is jobless and wants to loiter or something
Let go and let me try again without my teeth.
if we date:
1. we wont
There are 2 types of people in this world:
1. Those that have peed in the shower
2. Fucking liars
My wife said she won't have sex with me until I stop talking like a teenage girl and I think that's unfairzeez.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Who's got it better than us......??!!! Noooboooody...!!! 🏈👍
And then I was like, "whatever bitches"
And the bitches whatevered
better delirious than serious
Me getting divorced is regifting an asshole to society
My mom got me a Game of Thrones necklace for Christmas, which is cool because I was getting sick of telling people that I'm a virgin.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Tomorrow will be the first Christmas day that I don't wake up with a hangover, and I am so excited about that. I am in love with sobriety
the game was awesome babe I had the time of my life can't remember the last time I had so much fun in one day... 💚 you... Xoxoxo
Three things you should never underestimate:
2) the stock market
3) a woman’s ability to ruin your life
My life is just a bunch of "before pics"
Things men do that upset women:
2. Be honest.
3. Not talk.
4. Talk too much.
5. Not show emotions.
6. Be too emotional.
Real couples. Fake bull. Holding on for dear life! WHO YOU LOVE directed by Sophie Muller starring and me:
Last full moon of 2013 is all like, check out my halo
My Christmas list:
Teddy bear with a leather jacket and sunglasses
time for your bullshit?
no no no
no \_ no
no no no
It's not drinking alone if your demons are there.
Do people who are sad know about grilled cheese?
Description: must be pissed off all the time
Qualities: must be complete bitch
Where: all companies
Please bring my wife an 'unexpressed thought'.
I know she's never had one before.
I can not freaking sleep!!!!
If God gave Moses two tablets today he would probably just play Candy Crush, watch Netflix and pray for a longer charger cord.
Sometimes I feel like Facebook purposely tries to hurt me with its reminders and suggestions. =(
It's a fine line between excuse and explanation.
Happy Birthday !!! Sorry...meant to tweet this earlier today. 😁🎉🍷🍷🍹🎂
Your pants say yoga but your ass says McDonalds
I PROPOSE ABOLISHING "G"
There is no "spot". You're not my "homey"
...It does come in handy with Grape though
That would be awkward juice
annoyed isn't even a feeling for me anymore its become a personality trait
Today marks five years working at . I need a nap.
That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
*Signs into Facebook
"If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" is posted everywhere
The Wrecking Ball/Nothing Compares 2 U mashup is true musical, lyrical, personal, and cultural convergence. CHILLS. VIDEO
If you want someone to trust you, be trustworthy.
alligator death rolled two cupcakes
The day you stop worrying about money is the day your life of riches begins!
I can't believe it's not butt!
- How to compliment a woman on her kegel efforts
If you refer to your biological father as "daddy" I'll assume you're a fan of incest
A rape whistle but for lame conversations.
New College Admissions Test
______ not getting into this college
Wait... The girl raised by the 'achy breaky heart' guy did something trashy?... THE HELL YOU SAY?!!!
My wife dancing on her own while eating prosciutto.
What am I doing on a Friday night at 2:40am after a party? Oh, just helping complete idiots make even bigger fools of themselves. As you do.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. Fun game
I kicked off the school year with red wine splatter on my son's goal setting form for his teacher.
Dogs are the perfect napkins because they just think you’re petting them
People in relationships dream about their significant other about 20% of the time.
He's not a traitor per se. But we can't help him either. (Someone)
Happy 4th anniversary to me! Cc:
A day without talking to you is a day without a purpose!
And I am 21 tweets from 60,000 ... right before my four-year anniversary. I blame this on , , and . ☺
The jury consist of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. ~Robert Frost
I found some old footage of myself ditching church! VIDEO
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn't a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.
Band shirts should cost your age.
Movement is good for the body. Stillness is good for the mind.
My preferred sexual position is the 9
That's me alone, on my bed, in the fetal position.
Let's get this show on the road!
Giant lesbian marriage monster
My most impressive magic trick is turning a bag of trail mix into a bag of raisins.
"I creep, because I care." - @damigsta LOL
"Don't be evil." isn't "Be good." There's wiggle room in there.
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Why is it so hard to explain to a 2 and 4 year old that they're exhausted and should really just go to bed? Come on evolution, do yo thang.
I wish I loved anything as much as my brain loves forgetting why I walked into a room.
So what do women say when they're actually fine?
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
When a PM schedules a pointless meeting, grab them by the jaw and base of the neck, look them dead in the eyes, and scream "NO MEETINGS!!!"
Look who's smiling at me in while in line !
You bore me, smelly land ape
I'm more of a goes over it with a wide-toothed comb sort, really.
May the 4th be with you...
I want everything to last longer with you
I'm thinking bed time before 1am tonight 😴😴😴
Lil mechanic in training!!!
Settle down dear.
It’s a little wasp. Not a fuckin fire-breathing dragon.
Sometimes the solution to your problem is realizing its not a problem...
"Bisexuality is real. Until you're gay."
“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.” -Marcus Aurelius
My 2 year old put a band-aid in her hair so I'm gonna go buy some earplugs before I pull it off.
Text from bro: "remember the corn"
I dunno if I need to buy corn?
If its the start of a reminiscent story?
If its a "lest we forget" thing?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Instead of divorce, how about a marriage license you have to renew every year.
The truth hurts. Therefore I avoid it all costs.
The trick is realizing that other people's lives matter more than being able to say you are right.
Many have tried; Few have succeeded. [Attached pic of my penis …]
I watch really trashy tv. Am I proud of it? No. Am I embarrassed by it? No. It is really entertaining.
100% better than the alternative; feeling lonely, while not being alone. ;)
Visalia is popping, said no one ever.
Signs of a good time is waking up with bruises 😝
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
Roger and Gene together again. End of an era.
ask him who he's with, when he's coming home, how many drinks he's had, are there girls there, and does he still like you.
guys love that.
Went outside today.
It was awful.
Only upon closing the fridge did I realize how lucky I was to have escaped alive from the Refrigerator Guardian.
This kid I tell him to smile and this is his face lol 😝 happy Easter
I did some manscaping last night. I'm smoother than the average Asian now =P
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine.
When I'm drinking I have the ability to turn anything into a urinal.
I don't like girls who are too Emojinal.
Chunk passed out while watching Animal Planet again...
Let's talk about more important issues like why flip-flops and blazers should never be worn together.
People who hide hate & excuses for inequality behind God are missing the point of faith entirely.
will likely use that quote for our tagline.
And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."
Shout out to all the Asian girls, let the lights dim-sum
How to get over your twitter crush in 5 easy steps!
5. Meet them in real life.
I chase Patron with potato soup. I'm ready!
lol oh oh 😁 be safe you two!
My hips don't lie: They let you know immediately that I'm extremely white and can't dance worth a fuck.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter how you get there...
A tired dog is a good dog.
Chores yesterday, then karting all day, now chores again.
"Do what you have to, so you can do what you want to"
I hardly finish saying "YOUR FACE IS SO COOL!" before they turn to walk away. Every single time.
Flirting is hard.
Sweat is what happens when your fat is crying.
Amen! Give me a caffeine drip!
My cat Pudding told me "Steve, when there were only four footprints in the sand, that's when I was carrying you."
been doing lots of yoga, training for it
Does it hurt your neck to hold your nose up so high?
The secret ingredient in my coffee is more coffee.
Carefully searching emojis for white buffalo.
A dad hacks Donkey Kong to allow his daughter to play as Pauline rescuing Mario instead of the reverse.
Tomorrows Monday lets Go!
I'm confused. Are they talking about the combined fart of a wolf and an eagle? Because that's what it…
Be grateful.. It's the cure for being hateful
Wha..its 3am already?! Shit!
SVD blowin' it up right now!
Oh that's for sure. It will happen again...
The code that you write to check the errors in your own code is only as good as the code you write to check the errors in your own code.
Runnin it off. Or tryin. (@ Kezar Stadium)
I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.
ITS TIME!! ALL NEW NOW ON
San Luis Obispo here I come. Recorded my fastest time to date earlier today #3.2miles …
I ❤LOVE❤Twitter... AND the people I follow on Twitter...❤❤❤
Every single day of life is awesome.
Shout out to my one true love: pizza.
Timely career relevant news from LinkedIn.
Things that male guest interpret as me wanting to go out with them:1. I'll be your server tonight. 2. Can I get you another cocktail. 3. Hi.
Some of you think you're in a relationship when really its just a year long booty call > find out the truth in
In my heart I begged "take me with you... I don't care where you're going..."
Assume everyone knows everything.
sounds good, came back to a broken heater so it'd be warmer doing that than staying in!
Lost my oldest friend, left the other :( Home is where... my house is. Ima cry on Fu a little ;)
And in every pink stiletto & blinged-out fleur de lys we thought of Mey, remembering our last Vegas trip for her bday. I miss that lil lady.
Mouth full of banana bread, need to sneeze.
Life quote! > Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts - Winston Churchill
You have w/you? Shut down now! Man, if was there? Call the fire marshall ...
hehe. can't make it this time. but soon? :)
I know. And I speak to you across the country on the East coast for work again. But ♥
Only in LA would I see a sticker that says "BOOTY SMELL GOOD DOE!". Weird ass day yesterday.
After following the Queen Bee's Vegas rules, it would look lovely in my police mug shot at CCDC. ;-)
So OCD with right now that we're scheduling the 15 minutes (each!!!) it will take to blow dry our hair. Meyling would approve.
Hey, I'm drunk and you look like a counterfeit version of somebody I'm still in love with. Wanna come over?
I want my last words to be "I probably shouldn't be doing this, but..."
Several of my internal organs have filed complaints against me.
"I didn't EAT for 40 days and 40 nights, but it's cool. I'm sure giving up chocolate is tough too." - Jesus
Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn’t work hard
We all die.The goal isn't to live forever,the goal is to create something that will.