We found 180 favorite tweets.
I'm so confident that my multivitamins and diet are so good right now that I would let an ill person sneeze into my open mouth.
Give my mum 1 job!! To get me a champions league sticker book an she comes back with a frickin card book!!
I sat on a kit-Kat to warm it up because it had been in the fridge and I can't find it
that girl last night deffo wanted the D
dropped some kanye on the house party last night, heartless went off
7 hour shift whilst I'm still pissed can only end badly.
Just sang out loud on the bus... It's embarrassing at the best of times but when it's zero to hero - Disney's Hercules... Errrrr 😳😳😳
Oxford Dictionary named "Selfie" the word of the year. Stop the planet, I want to get off.
In 2014 before I retire I will be the Don't Flop Champion
being woken up to a bladdered boyfriend being sick everywhere is not the one
Today tried to purchase mcbusted tickets whilst I just bought my tickets.. Is there something wrong here?
Said "love you" to the guy in Burton's. I think my life is over
The only known photograph of Einstein deriving his famous equation E=mc^2
I just want to sit, be depressed and get fat. Fat people are always happy. Fuck knows why though.
Not bragging but i have some of the fucking funniest stories
Right now, correct > RT Has to be the saddest, most miserable human being on the planet.
My earliest memory is clinging onto my mothers teet whilst she sang total eclipse of the heart to me.
Is life worth living now have split up?
Haha just seen a status saying 'can anybody sort a ten?
I've just been introduced to a child who might be infested by Satan.
My wife asked me to put the dinner in the oven at 120 degrees.....took some doing but managed it
Might never stop drinking. Today could be the day I become an alcoholic
Where them fish titties at?
TO THE IDIOT WHAT STOLE MY PHONE.... can I have it back please?
mum and dad are fucking coming down tomorrow, beds still covered in wank stains and theres bits of bud all over the floor!
Today's beeriod is unreal.
The alien abduction was horrible. But the snuggling post anal probe was gentle and heartfelt.
Second yeah of sixth form was probably one of my greatest years I'll ever have. Everyone that was involved in my life at that time.. Cheers.
I don't trust any newspapers which have a 'Page 3' for the same reason I wouldn't trust News At Ten if Trevor McDonald had his dick out.
The most exciting part of my day is when the post lady comes to work and I get to open all the post
Massive plus side of today is I made friends with a camel
Saw the chaviest group of chavs earlier volley a pumpkin in Tesco. It was glorious
I've heard Green Street 3 is based on the life of Cain Bacon!
I think I'm on one confessing my love for :/
Yo mama so fat, you need a pokeflute to wake her up!
My strongest THANK YOU to all who worked to create an epic film. Proud of you all.
Monica & Chandler's twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe's triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let's just take a moment to let that sink in.
“: this is so funny ” so funny
I JUS HAD A MINI DREAM THE DEMON FROM THE CONJURING WAS ON MY WARDROBE BYE IM TERRIFIED IF I NEVER TWEET AGAIN IT KILLED ME
Who the fuck is this fox and why has he always got something to say?!
'LSD makes users lose weight'
That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
if want to use my idea of Kanye West fortune cookies I want 10% of the profit
BreakingBadLAD - Check out more products here -
Thinking of starting a beard consultancy agency where we tell you if look like a terrorist or not.
with no phone and no laptop literally the only things i can think to do are play gta and wank myself into oblivion
If i had a week to live I would spend it with Croz because it would be the longest week of my life
My neck, my back, my pussy and my crack. All the things that batter after just falling over at work.
Weird that I've gone from talking about masturbating to talking about my mamma Jean. Whatever you may of heard, the two are not linked.
Can't sleep. normally masturbating solves this, but to be honest its my 5th of the day and I've been left feeling like a cheap dirty whore.
why does my nan keep sharing 'sex and weed' videos on Facebook?! 😳
From here on out, fellatio will be referred to as GobJobs or NobSnogs. Nothing else.
A man from Minnesota was arrested in 2011 for turning a vibrator into an explosive and giving it to his ex-girlfriend for Christmas.
Me and saw this man walking down to school yesterday, best beard award goes to him!!
In 02 academy goong fucki gental waaakootyu
Keep opening Siri by accident
tell my mum I'm going back to sleep, so what does she do? get fucking brass marching band in house with sounds of things
Woke up naked in gabbys room, no funking clue how/why but I must have had a good night
I love you and you will always be a part of me. Thanks for the memories.
Would like to thank all my fans for giving me 8 retweets and 8 favourites. shout out to Cain 'n' boys. Without u it would still be a dream.
I felt sorry for the police yesterday at the football. Just knowing Cain Bacon and his crew were about must of been terrifying.
saved 3 pics of dwarf porn on a random girls phone tonight
Special K for brekky, Barry white for lunch and then amanda for supper!! # samhardy
what happened to you. Haha.
YAknow that line that goes from ur arsehole to ur dick when i was young i asked my dad what it was n he told me I used to be a little girl
BRING BACK LUNAR LUNAR WAS THE BEST BY FAR!!!!
£800 postage bill...the least they could of done is kissed us first, because we liked to be kissed before we get FUCKED
It's 'you're' > RT Your a fat wanker who knows nothing about football.
Watching play GTA is like watching someone with no arms and legs trying to swim
I heard that Professor Oak cooks Rare Candy in his lab.
Just seen a kit kat van and I went into a daydream about the amount of kit Kat's in it
Absolutely sick night! Seriously top fucking notch.
Literally best night of my life. And it's about to get better. ..
'Is Gordon Brown the one who does Hell's Kitchen?' - a girl in my english class
My auto correct has issues
Heath Ledger based the Joker's appearance in 'The Dark Knight' off the lead character in 'A Clockwork Orange'.
"People always get a bit frightened by salt" Right I'm done with Saturday morning cooking shows for a while. No one is frightened by salt
Some guy tried starting on me last night, all I did was piss on his shoes? Some people.
great night out with the guys ❤
(Xbox 360) - New Skills Tutorial: by
if my mrs sent me pics like that, the first question I'd ask is who took it..
iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.
I'll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they'll likely chop off my hand too.
Just sat in my car with door open & FOUR different cats have come up to me!!! Ones even sat in my car with me LOL destined to be a cat lady
Iran once arrested 14 squirrels for spying.
To me Obama feels like an uncle who does magic tricks for you but beats his own kids.
Don't judge me but I'm listening to Avril Lavigne as a pre-corp treat
Well it's not broken but it's gonna hurt to wank
Definitely not fucked enough for a 90s bird
If you can, always give a biscuit a little tap before dunking to ensure structural integrity.
J Franco: shit im stuck between... a rock and a hard place lmao
*realizes he cant jack off*
JF: well fuck better cut my arm off
Why did this boy keep taking pictures on my phone. So beautiful.
Woke up on my bedroom floor. Almost made it to bed
Thanks to all my friends who came out for my last night out. I'm really going to miss you all 😔😔
wouldn't miss it for the world
Pressday in London was cool I did 11 interviews in a row, Im bored of hearing myself talk about myself haha on my way home need a
Matt Hawkins has pulled and therefore I have to buy him 50 drinks.
Go to get some chicken burgers and then remember myself passed out with chicken burgers on my face and some balls hangin round
I massively regret EVERY word I said to you last night, so so so bad
why am I on queens park train ?
Sam Gret and his twin sister
The Millwall kit man has apparently forgotten to take the kit to Sheffield. So many things to think of with that job, i guess.
My gym have just emailed me: 'where have you been izzy?'
Who is gonna donate to see and I slap each other with fishes repeatedly?
installed a mod on Fifa which makes it so every player who receives a pass now gets called Gutiérrez
Gonna drive like a lunatic to holmewood
Thinking of reapplying for 2014 entry? You need to register for Apply 2014 first, and send your application from Sept
Hate being back in Chesterfield, it's full of some proper fucking scrotes.
HAHAHAHAHAH SAM THURSBY PISSED ON THE FLOOR HAHAH
Sam just got witg 2/10 ha
It would be me that gets shit on by a bat
Wearing leopard and zebra print to the safari park so I blend in
Met two girls last night and they walked me home after they found me sprawled across a mcdonalds table at 6.30am
Pass out fuck you receive bitches
“: I get that drunk, sex feeling, yeah When I'm with you” stop it you make me sick
Congrats to you if you got into uni today, commiserations if not. Either way I'll see you in assoc
Mum just accidentally called me Sue. How does that even happen.
Cant believe I lost amanda
Last night's episode in a nutshell.
Hey , can you turn my porn off right now? I'm shattered.
@xHyperrrzx You look like you still play curby!
£900 pounds for iphone 6,Instagram better be 3d I wanna touch dem bitches
The original Star Wars cast, 1978
My brothers being such a little bitch cause some shitty little things are broken in his room
Within 5 mins of me speaking to Croz when he got back he had already told me 3 bullshit stories
has got 99 problems and his dress sense is one!
Look at me tweeting at 2 in the morning like anyone I know will see some of this shit lol
Hahah got great photos from every night over the past week
Sometimes I check the Stocks app on my phone and pretend I am an important business man
My peen is harder than candy crush levek 47 atm, no jk
In maga, right, danny shagged a girl for 10 seconds then threw up on her
Wanna see Cyprus Hill's B Real discuss his workout routine w/ Snoop while high as a kitten? Yes you do VIDEO
It's actually going to require state intervention to stop me watching porn.
No one wants the African gal :(
This woman by the pool has THE worst boob job I've ever seen. "I couldn't afford a plastic surgeon so instead I went to Kwik-Fit"
"Grace, do you know where the thingy is for the thing" no mother, funnily enough I don't.
Usually im one for putting embarrassing photos on facebook. But the photos of me and luke last night are in a league of their own
Just glad I could make enjoy his massive birthday at the rave!
Tonight has been all about me and the bro!
happy birthday snuggle boo!!
This is from a selfie of me and on his birthday
Happy Birthday darling :) x
did someone smack you by any chance? Shoulda said
Happy birthday to my most feminine best mate it took you long enough! Bring on !!!
I saved you from a gay guy tonight! Best appreciate it!
w'ah - 18th?! You coming to see me? Xoxo
I just found pizza in my belly button, I am at the lowest point of my life
got some foreign pussy in my lap.
How to painlessly extract a splinter.
Just used my very basic German skills to give directions to a tourist. Absolutely no chance she's gonna find it
I loved ur last snap haha so funny! 😂🎧
my blood is on the central pillar
Actually cant wait to have a free house for 10 whole days
Watching Marley and Me, why am I putting myself through this again once was enough 😢🐶
Twitter is over. Soon we will have all our favourite celebrities on snapchat. Then it's game on.
Massive shout out to the absolute lad that is letting me crash at his last night
FUCK AND FUCK GQ MAGAZINE! 1000 DICKS IN THEIR MOTHERS
Pete has laid down his traps, little does he know I'm not on his side and will sabotage them.