We found 200 favorite tweets.
What a way to start things off! Great team win in front of a great crowd! Love seeing our dancing bear dance!
Drove by a swingers club with a valet. Makes sense you bring your car and watch someone else park it. Lets you know what you're in for.
*walks onto the Shark Tank set* "Here's my idea: It's just like Twitter, except all the irony is clearly notated." *leaves with $5 million*
One drink puts me on real life caps lock.
Someone just gave me a book for free. Wasn't even about Jesus. Weird.
Hanging out at Mountain Man's. He started telling a story thirty minutes ago.
Ate a freeze dried pea. Got the full space camp experience.
update coming right now. Check next tweet for link to Facebook page with details
Bezus and Dempsey involved in a scuffle at midfield…Bezus earns a yellow for his troubles. 85'
Successfully converted someone from wearing dad jeans today. Saving the world, one first world problem at a time.
Apple has to completely replace my hard drive. I hope this won't affect the 83 tabs I had open. I was gonna read all those articles. Really.
Thanks John Travolta for the most entertainment you've provided us with since 'Pulp Fiction'
"The one and only, Idel Dazim."
Super Bowl, Olympics, and Oscars are over. Is there another live-tweeting event soon?
*checks calendar, sees own wedding*
Lotta white ladies penciling in "Lupita(?)" on their lists of potential baby names tonight.
I wasn't getting the full message of the song but then Bette Midler did the wing motion and I was like, "Yes. Now it works."
Just looking at Jennifer Garner is proof that Affleck can't be a douche.
Someone get a slice of pizza!
This is one of the funniest things I've EVER seen. rules.
I love license plate covers cause I'm always like "Did that guy buy his Honda at a dealership?" and I look at the plate and go "Oh, he did."
Cheesecake Factory menus should come with a bookmark.
CADBURY EGGS BETTER NOT BE UNBORN PEEPS
Thanks, ! You use your power for good!!
Parking in LA has reached the point where it's a logic problem on the LSAT @ ShopHouse Southeast Asian…
Had to give myself the "you're a bear" speech from Swingers before I opened Outlook this morning.
Don't see respect for USA's multiculturalism as being liberal; I see it as being decidedly conservative. RT : you liberal?
I just accidentally sharpied over my new manicure. Looks like a majestic winged dragon or something.
Very proud of --
Doubly excited for Perez Hilton to rip off this idea and claim it as his own.
. What an amazing site!! Everyone should check it out Thank you
Thank you for the birthday wishes. Today I'm spending it the way I want the rest of the year to be: working with good people.
Another year older, another colonoscopy.
"Non-Stop" premiere tonight. Should I post pics? Maybe see what kinda trouble I can get in?
If you don't think Groundhog Day is one of the most powerful films ever made about LIVING, watch it again (and again). Thanks, Harold Ramis.
I hit my Snooze button faster than I hit a Bop-It.
Beautiful sunrise this morning on Lake Allatoona in Cartersville, GA.
Very good opening weekend of State Classic League play for Challenge 01s. Went 2-0. Must be the Blue Bell!
Awesome game for Challenge '01 as they down Lonestar '01Red SA 1-0! Nice weekend of soccer, girls!
Congratulations Canadian Olympic team for bringing home the gold again!!!
Toast and tea and an amazing gold medal win!
Cary's girls ran 3:53.59 for 4x400, NC #2 US #7 NC #2 All-Time
No, 7-11 donuts. I don't want you!!!
Who's ready for a “Long Way Home?” Thank you for putting my story together perfectly.
Arizona thinks it's the black and white part of "Pleasantville."
When my phone won't acknowledge the spelling of a dirty word, it's like it's telling me: "Joshua! Not in polite company!"
Take a moment to consider how truly blessed you are today. A moment of gratitude for the biggest, or even smallest thing. It's all a gift.
If you spam me, I won't follow you, I'll block you. C'mon guys.
wait, you have a Dash shirt? I don't even have one of those! Ha
Halftime adjustments lead to a goal from Emily Kaestner 5 minutes into the second half
I'm not shitting on your sport; I'm shitting on your art-form slash pass-time. RT : I figure skate stop shitting on my sport
Okay, as a guy who used to rock climb, I'm fully willing to admit that this scares the HELL out of me.
Haven't laughed this hard in a while. Please read. This guy is awesome.
LA is Downton Abbey. Everyone's OK with interracial relationships, homosexuality & abortion as long as you're wearing the exact right thing.
Spotify told me to listen to "Music From the Motion Picture 'The Craft'" and I'm instantly ok w the robots taking over because they're smart
Tuck & I bought an American football for 12 bucks. It was at a little store down the street. FINALLY. Ran routes for him all day. 'Merica
Tried to pump my own gas in New Jersey and Chris Christie sent a drone strike after me.
"Do everything with a good heart and expect nothing in return"
The poor Sochi Bear was saddened by Russia's loss in men's ice hockey at the Olympics.
A single guy at an art museum looks like he's trying to sleep with the paintings.
I'm okay with Martin and Short, but not that ass-clown Chase.RT : 'Three Amigos' Talk Trade In Mexico
The ESPN homepage forcing viewers to watch a Robert Pattinson Dior ad, might be the funniest thing that's ever happened.
Loving my new iPhone case from . Battery drainage issues be damned - switch flipped, I'm back to 100%!
Somebody tell the Latvian goalie that Vince Carter wants his body language back.
Thanks to porn's very loose definition of the word, I consider myself a comedy "star."
“I think the best thing my girls have going for them, is having their mother as a role model,” -
Chipotle rebranding itself as health food is blowing my mind. I feel like we're a week away from Human Rights Chicken at Panda Express.
Congrats to my friend Well done, sir. Continuing a grand tradition and already doing it with panache. Yes, I said "panache".
USA Ice Dancing GOLD!!! Yeah! Check it out, world!!! We... um... We like... skate good... And TOGETHER! In unison... um... Purple fuchsia!!!
These athletes have trained 17 years for this moment, let's see if they can keep me from looking at my phone for 2 minutes.
I really want Edible Arrangements to sponsor The Bachelor, so that episodes end with Chunks of Melon on a Stick Ceremonies.
Listened to five minutes of NPR Politics before realizing they were doing a House of Cards recap.
Please don't click on links that are publishing paparazzi pics of Milo. Here's a personal pic instead.
"I was running out of moves there." - on his multiple shots in Saturday's epic shootout
Will everyone please join me in thanking for his phenomenal accomplishment? He makes proud!!!
Oh, Bode. You need to know that we are SO FUCKING proud of you! Thank you for your passion and your commitment.
Musical parents & make a snow day with their kids look pretty fun
I just want to be fancy enough to do anything we've stolen the French word for. Like rendezvous. Or soirée. Or crepe.
I read the sentence "I'm a YouTube star" in the same way that I hear a child say "I'm this many!"
How funny!! In my home town!! God Bless Texas!!
You're being too literal, sign.
"Do you want the chocolate soufflé for dinner?" - tonight
Most of the time, the only difference between a good and a bad day is our attitude.
Coaches Todd Ericson (mens Varsity) Rob Boagni (ladies varsity) are INCREDIBLE COACHES!! ⚽️⚽️
Getting you all something today from 1-800-FOLLOWERS.
I get that the hearts represent hearts. But are the other donuts supposed to be male and female genitalia?
Sad sight for car lovers: Surveillance video caught the moment a sinkhole swallowed a Corvette
Why? It's not like it's "Grunge McRollerblade" RT : "rider strong" most 90s name ever, right??
Rain can't stop us today! Technical work and fitness
The Following, gotta love it! The plot twists never end!!
None of our jobs will ever offer the security of "Mayor of Toronto."
A real "love scene" in a movie is when one character visits the other one's parents and isn't a total jerk about it.
"Rule #1: There is no book club." RT : what is the first rule of the book club?
Ben Affleck is going to win so many Oscars for his eventual movie about whatever happens at these Olympics.
There's a new baby giraffe at the . He doesn't have a name yet.
9 days 'til pitchers bring the heat!
My pot just accused my kettle of not celebrating Black History Month.
For the record, many drinks were drunk in honor of Phil tonight.
I'm glad this wasn't wasted on Seattle during its grunge era.
WORST commercial of the night? The postgame spot. Didn't you people hear? No one cares about you and your phony b.s..
Biracial love in the Cheerios ad. Horse-dog inter species love in the Budweiser ad. God bless America.
Judging from the whimpers from beside me during this ad I’m either getting a dog or a Clydesdale within the year.
Mr. Manning you want my Coke?
Manning: *chugs Coke*
See ya around.
Manning: Hey kid, catch.
*jersey intercepted by Seahawks*
Next time someone around me looks really bummed, I'm going to be all, "why the Manning Face?"
So basically and just won the twitterverse with that exchange. I retire now.
So much for orange being the new black.
So...Bruno Mars opens his "Your sex takes me to paradise" song with children singing? Totes appropes. Lol
Please let Bruno Mars involve his sister, Veronica, in some capacity.
Got into the science museum for free. Finally understand what it means to be "ballin' out of control."
Soccer. Worth every bruise and every grass stain.
Metamucil. Check. : Four weeks into the writers' room. Get ready to be moved. In some very uncomfortable directions.
Thanks, Google Doodle, for putting Harriet Tubman over the search bar so I can feel extra guilty about googling "Full house cast reunion."
Let's get to the point. doesn't need to be on a list but don't justify her NOT being on it by saying "but her hubby is" It's stupid
So I'm thinking of starting a book club using my social media. What do you think of the idea? And, yes, I would be choosing all the books.
TRUE STORY: One time, at a bar, three Latina women took their photo with me because I was "the whitest white guy [they'd] ever met."
Even Michelle Obama binge watched Scandal…u must see this VIDEO
Teachers and parents, check out this awesome post about one teacher's strategy against bullying: (via )
The Day We Lost Atlanta: Our analyzes the snowstorm & the issues of suburban sprawl for .
And, while on hiatus, I discovered that Dale is the coolest dad in the world. You've gotta check this out.
Back at it with CES Performance Faster, stronger, better!
"When women succeed, America succeeds.." That too is the motto in the Lopez house according to
Polar vortex sounds a little dramatic. Can't we just go back to calling it winter?
Patience, little smarties. When we know, you'll know.
The 1928 Swan House in Buckhead is a star of “Hunger Games: Catching Fire” as the site of President Snow’s mansion.
Great first weekend of spring! Photo updates and results coming soon. Extremely proud of all the teams and how great we played.
“: Challenge 01 wins!!! 1-0 in the finals! ” That's the way girls! Congratulations
Fine, , we'll go to the gym tomorrow morning.
Some people think American kids are bad at math because of how our language works. I think it's because "fat-free half-n-half" is a thing.
U14 White ready to start the weekend at the International Cup
"What if... stay with me... FRANKENSTEIN... crazy, huh?... was a... wait for it... Superhero?!"
"No 'and,' that's the whole pitch."
The move is officially done and I have officially survived. Whew.
"Will Act for Food" my sign says. RT : Anson Mount was on Sex and the City AND in Crossroads. What a career.
I am currently huddling under the covers not wanting to face the cold, but excited to move into my new apartment today.
It's been snowing in Louisiana for 2 hours! Even if it's not sticking, it's still pretty neat. !
Yep. And free. RT : is this an open event?
Before an 8-year-old boy died in a fire, he saved six relatives.
Again...professional athletes....quit using "passion" as your excuse to act like unsportsmanlike assholes.
10 yrs ago-people paid me 2 clean their toilets & Majority blew off my unsolicited design ideas-I get it- what would a house cleaner know;)
The generation that believes free wifi is a basic human right has definitely already been born.
I love when rappers drop the "Lil" from their names. It's like a sweet, little rap bar mitzvah.
This is what we are teaching 8yr old girls? RT : I just can't. There are. NO. WORDS.
Oooh, interesting point. (via )
Ok guys at airports: You can wear giant Beats By Dre headphones or a nice fluffy neck pillow. You can't wear both.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to keep a monocle on your eye.
So much snow out there I keep waiting for CGI wolves to attack Jake Gyllenhaal.
Remember, the secret to great improv is to "Yeah, sand."
Whoever named this new storm "Hercules" gets to be in charge of naming all the storms from now on.
If everything goes as planned, I'll wake up 2morrow drug & alcohol free for the 4,745th day in a row (But don't tell anybody. It's a secret)
"I feel like I should have come to work in a Delorean today." - on co-anchoring with Bryant Gumbel and Jane Pauley.
OUCH! Kicking a suitcase in the dark does not feel good at all!
Happy "Damn Where'd I Put Those Gift Cards" Day!
= a whiny mood turned happy giggles with a talk about gratitude & blessings...& a little tickling thrown in.
Complaining is just a way of trying to make everybody as miserable as you are.
Me at chick Fil a - I want a number 5
John Luke - screams out the window ADD SOME SWAG AND A BOYFRIEND😂😂
It's ok to stop with the Xmas music now.
'98 ECNL wins 1-0 in the first game. Goal from Emily Kaestner, assisted by Mary Gillespie …
Thank you Lord for Hazel and myself driving 1500 miles in two days and arriving in the beautiful Rockies safe and sound
"OK, Sarah Palin aligned with you. We feel that's enough of a punishment." -A&E to Phil
My dad is trying to rent "Where Are The Millers." 🎶It's the moooost wonderful time of the year...🎶
"Did you guys not get the memo?" -Jesus, all the time, I'm assuming
My dad, reading family friends' Christmas card: "Hmmm, well that's interesting. Their dog went to heaven."
You ready for Blue Saturday?
(just made that up)
My dad asked me to watch Big Bang Theory with him, so I told him I'm adopted.
Today I receive my annual reminder of my ineptitude at Wrapping, which coincides with but is not related to my ineptitude at Rapping.
Eating nachos at a Home Depot in east la at 10 am on Saturday, in case any of you were wondering how my life is going.
“Good players inspire themselves. Great players inspire others.”
When something I've retweeted does well, I feel like a proud parent. So yeah, I'm probably ready for a baby.
When my son opens a gift and it's a book, he makes the same face I do when I eat liver.
"You got him myrrh? And you got him GOLD? I thought we all agreed we wouldn't spend more than $50."
"What'd you get him?"
"Uh... also gold."
The cross at the top of Twin Pines hill early this morning
I'm, at best, a B- boyfriend.
"Watch as the 20-something male browses the aisles. He is looking for gifts for his parents. He will never be more confused or more lost."
Dance like the NSA isn't watching.
Whenever I watch Narnia, I always want one of the soldiers to turn to the camera Capital One-style and say, "What's in YOUR closet?"
One of the most intimidating things you can do as a human is walk around a gym with a full gallon jug of water.
Beyonce should secretly balance the budget tonight.
Let's make the Oscar race an actual race. Like, Meryl Streep and Judi Dench have to sprint to the podium, first one there gets an Oscar.
Next time your kid won't eat carrots, scream: "Snowmen had to DIE for this meal!"
RT if you're here because you want to take talking to yourself to the next level.
THIS!!!!!!! “: Get your fix with a sneak peek of Thursday's all NEW episode: ”
Eric working by candle light. Mondays! Am I right?
“: Ben Affleck speaks out against the paparazzi ” I'm totally on board with this. Hallelujah
NSA: "So you, uh, can see people while they're sleeping, know when they're awake?"
Santa, setting down beer: "Yeah?"
NSA: "...Show us how."
I woke up this morning and realized I'm even pissed off when I'm sleeping.
I can't believe I used to read blogs. Some of them had, literally, THOUSANDS of characters.
If you're not eating leftovers in your underwear right now, you're doing it wrong.
This is why I thirst for knowledge “: There are bacteria in your eyes that are actually pooping and mating.”
I've shouted "Live! From New York! It's Saturday night!" to get out of so many awkward situations.
I know it's Black Friday but could we try not to humiliate ourselves as a species? 🎅
Red Wedding > Black Friday
Spending on a cross country plane trip. Sky mall better look out!
Last year at this time I had cancer and was chugging painkillers. This year, I don't have cancer.
This belongs to Brandon Moss!
Ugh so lame that the movie ends without Gilbert Grape getting eaten.