We found 199 favorite tweets.
Freya at almost a year old.
16 year old hospital volunteer just pulled up beside me in an S Class to gently remind me I am a fucking peasant.
if I was in the armed forces they would refer to my brigade as
So, you don't like people who say goodnight on Twitter? Unfollow me.
Goodnight and sweet dreams, tweeties.
The World's Oldest Dress was found in Egypt and it is 5,000 years old.
Unfortunately none of the things I'd rather be doing right now involve making a grocery list.
Those women who give up their careers to stay home and raise their kids- they do not get enough credit. It's not as easy as most think.
And even if you aren't Pagan or Wiccan....please come visit Honest Courtesan on Friday August 1st. I'm contributing art to that day's column
And...the Moo has decided she wants to play the accordion, like mommy and brother.
I 💖 ladies from Jersey and PA.
I wanted so little but it seems I need so much
That hole in your arm won't ever
heal all this pain
Text from mate: "Prince, what is a mega whore?"
A minute later...
Text from mate: "damn autocorrect, what is a metaphor?"
Me: "YOUR WIFE"
The NSA is being sued again, this time for not producing Gen. Alexander's financial disclosures. by
Women who think that Feminism means emulating all the worst qualities of men... ruthless corporate greed, lack of empathy, etc... are Dicks.
Don't challenge my faith, it could be the only reason you're still standing.
Remember to dismiss everything I tell you I'm dealing with so you "don't get" it when I don't rely on you EVER
To find out who your REAL friends are, move your good drugs out of the medicine cabinet to the top of your fridge
Mom just asked me to put "anal virus" on her computer; now I'm very ass-conscious and confused.
So I said "Your mom" to my kid and then felt super stupid for a while.
Fruit tastes great, when I have no chocolate.
It's one of my crazier kid's birthday. Go creep on her. It's okay, she's a grownup.
I surround myself in white light. I will not let this dark, negative woman of the night ruin my evening.
Just helicoptering my Jimbob around the house singing Wang Chung
"Dance Hall Days"
Weird Al Yankovic's new album is about loneliness, lust, jealousy and death.
It's been so long I almost didn't recognize your account :) I was happy to see you again.
YOU KNOW WHATS RUDE? Letting the person suffer by enduring your caca breath when you talk. What the hell, like no mints or what?
she was married 3 times and is insanely claustrophobic. This seriously cracked her up.
is that that thing that goes chig-chig-chig-chig-chig-errrrrng-errrrrrng?
my mom laughed so hard at that, she spit out her drink.
Ever put too much dip on a chip then have to stuff more chips in your mouth just to even out the taste?
Bet you didn't know I was so sexy.
I love my kids! Mostly the older one, I forget his name. The younger one is a little annoying sometimes, I forget his name.
I just had a ciabatta with my dinner and didn't get the urge to rhyme it with anything.
Please do. I'm always trying to prove I'm "normal"
Just went around the block on my new bike so now I need a new pair of legs.
“I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.”
― Vincent van Gogh (died this day, July 29, 1890)
Mommy:Say, Mommy, ... say mom-meee... mom-meee, *drops toy* SHIT!
Baby: Shit shit shit shit
I don't remember adding a vibrator to my Amazon wish list. This is the most inappropriate item ever.
People who unlawfully invade your privacy need to be prosecuted.
11: *brushes my hair
11: JUST LET IT FALL NATURALLY... ... mmm... ...hmm
11: *puts it back the way it was
11: That's your natural look!
My car ride just improved!
It's the people who think they're so special that are a dime a dozen.
I've slept under a bridge before, i can troll as good as the rest of you.
I love my friends, one of them already gave me an old joke. Happy birthday me.
You can never be sad when you're using a highlighter pen.
Speaking as a single parent, my son is the only reason I'm alive today
If I were to write a children's book, it'd be like, "Sssshhhhhhhhhhhh....." over 58 pages.
Very wise feline. Yes. Very wise, indeed. ¶
I love these kids... turns to husband, when do their real parents come get them again?
i did some stupid shit as a kid, one time we robbed a sperm bank
The ways of Twitter are not your ways, Facebook. And your ways are not ours!
That lady said she had an opening she wanted me to fill. She doesn’t even know what my job is.
Just got done rebuilding some extra thick walls
this time there's no one getting in
Uncensored eCard #144 by :
Clearing brush, and look, I found a lawn mower!
A zucchini is just a well endowed cucumber.
WE ARE IN NEW JERSEY AND MY DAD IS WILLING TO DRIVE UP TO NY FOR KOREAN FOOD. MY DAD IS TRULY DEDICATED TO ASIAN CUISINE.
Breaking news: If you're a judgmental prick 6 days and 23 hours each week… going to mass every Sunday doesn't make you a "good Christian."
😢RT : Appreciate what we have and Learn to Give ;-)
I don't use gas at the dentist's office because the form asks about my sexual history.
Sometimes you've to reach your darkest before the mind finally gives way and lets your heart beat again.
I am really sorry but I actually need to be stimulated
And yes that means mentally
to top-notch new followers. Cheers! —J.
Most people don't even realize that the world has turned them into someone they're really not.
Monday - walk into a shelf three times and you have 70 magazines avalanche onto you and cause a neck paper cut that looks like a hickey.
Here, hold my mind for me.
"Life is like a box of chocolates left out in the sun during a heat wave," said the depressed motivational speaker.
If Bram Stoker had known that
Dracula would lead to
The Vampire Diaries, he'd of driven a stake thru his own heart.
When a co-worker's crying cause her husband left her, it’s not appropriate to tell her you’re not surprised, even if you aren't.
Anyway—long story short—there WASN'T a Costco Cheesecake Eating Contest today. So I'm out $750.
Life's short. Something pisses you off, say something about it. Be done with it.
I've accepted that it's best for me to wait to have children, but the biggest smile rest across my face when I'm waist deep in mommy blogs.😁
To clarify. Of all tweets to be stolen, this one is a reference to being a child of Holocaust Survivors. Shame on him. Shame.
Check out his tweets. Your on his page
Stepping out of my comfort zone. Going to get a light sweater.
Could you properly credit me for my tweet? Thanks.
'Nevermind - COLORS ( 80's Italo )': via -- Omg! i used to love this song!!! haha! VIDEO
Unseen ChiangMai, Thailand by POPUMON TiH.
siri: how do i file for moral bankruptcy
FUCK EVIL SPIRITS!
I BELIEVE IN ONE GOD, THE FATHER ALMIGHTY, CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH!
I am not afraid of hauntings because I have St. Michael at my side. BRING IT BITCHES!
Publicly making fun of unattractive people, hey?
You're just lucky that the majority of your ugly is on the inside.
The Man who didn't salute Hitler. Read this unique story here:
"I said two slices of cheese on my sandwich mom!"
:) that idea being out the crazy in my eyes
I try to have some romantic beers with my phone and it's all STOP I'M NOT IN THE MOOD MY BATTERY IS LOW. Typical..
"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." ~Robert Frost
When I see an elderly person eating alone like this, I die a little inside
My seven year old niece and her cousin decided to play "Beach" with baking soda.
You can imagine the rest.
So you are saying you can listen all the blabbering and yelling going on tv but you don't listen someone sharing their problems with you?
I'm not made for work. It takes me half the shift just to clean the desk before I can touch anything.
"can I ask a few questions"
"What's your name"
"What's your Race"
"Thanks for your time Brittany"
The song "Click, Click, Boom" taught me to never put the band Saliva in charge of loading any of my firearms.
When I die I wanna rot naturally in the woods so to speed up my dispersion.
Sure. It's the same stuff over and over. But one day, somebody is going to say something you need to hear, the way you need to hear it.
he's got the eye of the tiger! 😻
I think we should start resenting other people
Ethnic group Palong bride
What is a zebra 26 sizes larger than "A" bra
I'd have more Instagram followers if I didn't eat such crappy food
This fitness app on my phone rated my performance during my run today as "poor" & I just realized this fitness app is my dad.
yeah, it is. One of my regrets is that I didnt take my theory classes seriously when I was in school. Cannot sightread for shit!
It is! I was in orchestra for seven years and I regret nothing. (:
Where I live they have mandatory general music in elementary school then in middle you can choose between band orch, & general.
my daughter was given the option of both. If you play a wind instrument or keyboards in public school, I know they offer theory.
twitter moms won't star my tweet whatever
I assume no one on Facebook would post a link to a personality quiz unless it was created by an accredited expert in human psychology.
“I like being myself. Myself and nasty.”
― Aldous Huxley (born this day, July 26, 1894), Brave New World
"I only regret that I have but nine lives to give for my country."
- Nathan Tail
"Give me Friskies or give me death."
- Catrick Henry
The Supreme Court Now Leans Libertarian
and "politics for dummies" should say, if there is a law, follow that first, if not, use system - worked for 238 yrs..
well that is no joke ... and most of it, honestly, is BS that is argued about ... name calling - GROW UP!
love it when we all play nice! I think there are ample revolutionary dickheads for every party to have a share ;)
yvw, and ty .... and i know how it is to get out of the "norm" of ones routine... lol
Hey! Lawrence Welk is on PBS....I'm horny as shit
I think my weighing scales is broken. Whenever I stand on it to check my weight, it makes an hysterical laughing noise and turns itself off.
If cold beer, chips and queso can't fix your problem, ask yourself if it's a problem that really needs fixed.
I guess that depressed, little cloud just happen to burst into tears on a sunny day. ☁️⚡️
A young girl meeting a penguin for the first time.
I know a lot of subs, in the right circumstances I am a sub. I promise we run our own lives & decide who we submit to.
I wouldn't. The premise bugs the shit out of me. Subs don't stumble around unable to function without a top's directions.
It's possible I have never been here for a lot of BDSM fic that hinges on the idea that subs have little or no voice in well...anything.
Dad got an iPhone.
It's amazing. :-)
Uncensored eCard #139 by :
I can never be too sure that it wasn't a euphemism for something else.
when ur out with ur friends and ur favorite song comes on
You guys don't tell anyone but I am supposed to be taking a nap.
I saw these while shopping the other day and I thought of you!
Nice RT : Is it "for fucks' sake" or "for fuck's sake"?
I don't want to sake more fucks than I have to.
Kim and Kayne's child had better get a report card that says:
"North West has trouble following directions"
Or I am gonna be so pissed.
I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
MT : He Fought For Us. We Should Be Fighting Like Hell For Him!
I'm moving to Cancun and teaching water aerobics. My life calling finally hit me! Haste la vista basics! I just had the most fun
Just posted a photo on Instagram. And no one including me gives a flying fuck.
So glad my cousin is here for bridal👰 shower. Heading to the beach. Enjoy your Saturday! ☀️🌴
Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Cage the Elephant, from
Tarzan made wearing a loincloth look easier than it really is.
Sometimes, just for a second, I forget I'm sick.
It's like my husband doesn't even care I got 2 trophies last night.
Just saying something doesn't make it true, but enough people saying it does make it seem believable.
I can't stand people without toes. I'm lack toes intolerant.
"Trapped in the Suburbs" the brave story of one woman's struggle to avoid children's birthday parties and small talk at the grocery store.
My night got SO crazy somewhere between the documentary on Pennsylvania's white-tail deer and eating jello until I fell asleep on the couch.
if you throw glitter at someone, they can't stay mad at you
Looking forward to holding my rounded belly in my hands. Playing music to our baby and feeling them move around.
MS meds being feed into my body. Washington in my headphones. I'm in a happy healthy place.
The 12th person to buy me a shot gets to hear all about the time my dad woke me up with a stun gun.
i've spent the past 1 1/2 hrs saying "no! Nononono NO!" to my cat.
I stopped when I found myself saying "Do you not fucking understand me?"
Keeping my husband Happy. Yummy and Apple Pie.…
I’ll take a hug for $300, Alex. $400? I don’t care how the game works, Alex, just hug me.
The news was devastating. The manner in which it was delivered was devastatingly effective. The desire to devastate was your friends agenda.
Wait, Atlanta isn't just an airport?
take it easy with your stripper money
Managed to squeeze into a shirt I haven't worn in three years. Sweet success.
I'm still fat.
Trust me, rest of the world. I find US's arrogance appalling, too. But your do-nothing, know-it-all mouth is tiring like last year's pop hit
If the US ever stopped doing the heavy lifting, 80% of other nations would be bleeding from the ass in 90 days.
So please keep criticizing.
Participating in a discussion panel on a cable news channel so obscure, only dogs can hear it.
Ayy çok güzel . /": Küçük melek... "
Today is the feast of St. James the Greater, apostle, martyr, and patron saint of Spain.
I'm going to bake you a cake for your birthday - a sweet, moist, warm...I'm sorry, what was I talking about?
They're doing a remake of Point Break? Jesus Christ, may we keep ONE MOVIE for ourselves without it being ruined?
Some people will never fully understand the damage they've done to you
It may take a moment, but I can SEE the truth.
The tea party was a bit awkward. Anna found it tough to bring the lobster out of his shell. The hawk just listened raptly.
You don't scare me internet bullies.
My soul's already an emotional graveyard.
I went to school with a Kristopher.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.