We found 189 favorite tweets.
What's a munchie run? And where the fuck is my boyfriend?
Dance like a few people are watching and putting dollar bills in your g-string.
I love that moment when it just hits you and you're like, woah that person is a freak and it's over.
maybe… but I don't think so…
When everything &everyone is screaming,pulling me in one hundred directions,without regard for me,
All I need,is to fucking see your eyes.
Wife: oh, I had the most awful, horrible experience. I don't want to talk about it now...I'll wait until you're trying to go to sleep...
The Foo Fighters split up. Don't worry. Green Day is still around to release singles and albums that all sound the same.
Sex without intimacy is like caffeine without coffee.
May your cornucopia have some corn.
My knee hurts. These skinny pants keep rubbing against the scrape that drunk Rachel aquired Saturday night...
👇DM this asshole below me and tell 'em I said to eat my ass.👇
I use air quotations when I say the word "vagina" because I've never actually seen one.
Your mama's weight divided by pi is easier to calculate than your mama's weight multiplied by pie.
"This. Is. Your. Auto-matic. captain. Would. You. Care. For. A. Mimosa?"
I know you don't RT me cuz I'm a Jew
Shit, she can call me Harvey if she wants....I'll Wallbanger.
I'll quit smoking when somebody proves to me that these things are bad for my health.
My mom walked away and left her popcorn on the table. My 5 y/o immediately got up and tried to pour it into his own bowl. Little thief...
I only smoke a cigar when I'm celebrating something or feeling presidential.
The only thing sadder than my depression over this empty bag of chocolate chips is nothing.
The saying "If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all" is the reason I have to tweet so much.
a neide tá muito má, Britney diabolica.
Amazing what memory can retain. Haven't heard Ice Ice Baby for years, read one line in someone's bio, now the whole thing is in my head.
I live in constant fear that my mother follows me on twitter.
I'm cool with being alone cuz it's too hot to snuggle.
Siri just told me you like anal.
Jokes about incest, bestiality & stalking are not funny.
That's 29 years, 11 months of never seeing my ab muscles.
My ovaries just came back from vacation.
I was going to watch that movie but instead I watched all of your pics of it on Instagram.
A woman is like a condom. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
I just made my drink without a shot glass. Because fuck giving a fuck.
Oh, without a glass, soda or ice either.
Watching a documentary on health and food, any of my chubby friends should avoid me for a few days cause I'll probably get preachy.
when you can tell someone doesn't want to talk to you
hate when i don't get a goodnight text
@SwkManchester @avengedjenny2 @imclarissahi
@l0lyousmell @SwkManchester @avengedjenny2 :)
My Followers. @Mermiddan @Simone_dubois @WrensToyGirl @Nicole1594
Please could you check out John Adams new cover of Wings!It's amazing!Suscribe him please, thanks xx VIDEO
Captain's Log: I can't not make fun of shitty TV... it's my curse.
FACT: People that are mean to other people on twitter still live with their mommy. And eat turds for breakfast.
I believe in women's rights
should be use for cookin dinner while they're holding a baby in their left, and barefoot and pregnant.
The Magic 8 Ball says Baz is cock blocked all this week.
Ladies, please help prove the Magic 8 Ball wrong.
I'm just like a penny...
Fucking worthless, and found in everyone's pants.
why would you even star that?
Wearing my glasses tonight. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I do look a lot like my mom...
Todd Oliver and Irving are hysterical! Keep your material current.
Deodorant works if you apply it liberally, take that conservatives!
I am the unsung hero of
Do gays make fun of hetero-sex? "Bet they're gonna go home and go straight to missionary, no oral, in their bed, with the lights out!"
Beware sexy babes or I shall trap you with my mind thoughts.
Actors named William and John, who hurt you?
i’m hoping life got a vasectomy.
Not saying I'm drunk, but a mosquito and a spider bit me at the same time, staggered away, and are now getting married.
Why do you even bother. It's shit TV. I'm learning a lot more by watching MasterChef.
Hey, Favstar stars! Why are you thinking so hard before sticking? Quit judging me!
As I sit here drinking, I remember some of the cute guys from AA. I need to go back. To stop drinking. Not for the hot guys. Really.
Nothing like a nice piff after a hard days work. :-D
Nobody knows if “dreamt” is even a real word and nobody really wants to know.
Sharing one lighter between two smokers takes trust, communication, and is not for the faint of heart. Embark with caution, my friends.
Say what you want about Instagram, I think clouds are fucking beautiful.
You never know when the world is going to be blown up to make way for an intergalactic superhighway.
Not wiping is the new black
Twitter... you confuse the shit out of me.
Ok people who use military time in everyday conversations: We've heard enough. A little more AM/PM, a little less being a dickweed.
It's not everyday that you meet special people. Appreciate them when you do.
a piece of food stuck in my teeth way in the back for days. Couldn't brush it loose. Outta floss. Can't reach with fingers. This is my 9/11.
Was sent a DM saying there is an app. that will show who's stalking their profile.If it's real,I'm gonna weird out so many people! :(
Apparently if a cop hands you a breathalyzer test and you try to smoke it that counts as an automatic fail.
Quite possibly the only Republican on Twitter. Unfollow accordingly.
Please help in the search for my missing identical conjoined twin brother.
Watching I'll let you know if anything catches my eye.
I'm married to the lowest
Katy perry's falling from cloud 9. My song.
Henry Winkler blames his dad for the Jump the Shark episode of HAPPY DAYS, but they ignored his idea for the shark to eat Joanie and Chachi.
You too! It's nice to have you back!
You disappeared for a while there.. There were nothing to laugh at!
can someone come and look after me today omg pls
ITS MY BIRTHDAY GUYS ASDFGHJKL
Rosalie , is like gorgeous.
I was actually an underwear model once. but they told me: GET OUT This is a Gas station not your home! & now I'm not an underwear model.
Have you ever thought "Boy, where did all the fun go in today's age?" Well lucky you it's here! Unlucky for you, I don't know where here is?
Ohh no, I just farted and burped at the same time, the last time that happened the dinosaurs became extinct! Forgive me..
Been driving in a car for the past 6 hours, where's the end of this rainbow!?
There's one good thing about a job, it's easy to spell.
You know you've been playing too much MW3 when someone scares you, you scream. "CAMPER!" And try to shoot them with your finger.
My left hand is stupid. Why can't it do anything right?
It can be hard to make friends on twitter. They're like. "I don't want to see you do a handstand in a thong at a car-wash" Sheesh, people.
Aliens have taken over the History Channel & the Science Channel is fascinated with Si-Fi.. What next, Oprah on BET?
That awkward moment when you piss your pants in public just to have an awkward moment when you piss your pants in public.....
It's funny the way people look at you when you're a male with long hair carrying purse, bible & 2 gallons of gasoline.
I went to the Doctor today, he told me he thinks I’m dyslexic.. Diputs rotcod, m’I ton cixelsyd
I had Thai food the other day.. My stomach is still in "knots"
Confidence is something you can't buy, sell or trade, yet it's never free.
I might not be the world's sexiest man, but second place isn't so bad.
There are no stupid questions, so stop asking them.
I know the lengths I'd go to for you.
How far would you go for me?
Often, I get embarrassed when I get too emotionally self-indulgent.
Until I remember this is twitter & it's what I came here for.
If I commit no offence, but am punished anyway, I might as well have done the crime.
Where have all the good hashtag games gone and by that I mean the dirty ones?
Mixing 23 different flavors together still gives your stuff a single flavor, Dr. Pepper. A single, awful flavor.
Don't wanna go home but I'm happy to get out of this place ... Makes no sense :)
All string is silly if you ask me.
When I was married, I wished I had a different guy each night. Now that I'm single and have that, I wish I would of gotten divorced sooner.
I hope these hickeys up my neck aren't too off putting
Was anyone else aware that MARS has its own time zone? What else are they hiding from us?
"Could you pass the SALT?" I stare at the family of snails that invited me into their home for dinner. This is the ultimate test of courage.
Those that put your location, It's so *creepy that you're actually located close to me.
*awesome, I'm driving there to stalk you properly.
Throw poop at people who love Justin Bieber. See what happens when shit hits the fan.
there's some people on my tl who are always on twitter! it's like they never sleep lol
If I am the one doing all the effort to keep this relationship going then.......... I'm going to keep on doing it because I am the pushover.
ALERT: Rubbing dry ice on your nipples does not make it sexier.
The away team has way hotter dudes. Excuse me while I change which dugout I sit behind.
Dropped the bread clip in the toaster, walking around with my shirt inside out, drinking caffeine before bed. I'm on a fucking roll
Anyone else feel a little guilty for all the nerd pummeling you did during High School tonight?
It's troubling that less than an hour after the Mars Curiosity landing, "Punk'd" is trending.
We all see what we want, I suppose. Did you need to step out for some shave-ice with mango syrup?
Blue-eyed people have a higher alcohol tolerance.
Sometimes God pushes us to our limits. It's because He has greater faith in us than we have in ourselves
Meh. I give Mars six months before they build a MarBucks on every street crater.
My life may suck, but not my kids life. I will be left wanting, to make sure they are spoiled rotten. I'm okay with this.
I think about what it'd be like if by accident we were to run into each other again, and I don't think I am strong enough to handle that.
Yes, I believe we've got the pattern down, baby!
Sext: My boobs aren't big enough to put into my mouth but maybe they'll reach yours?
Dear twitter people. Stop being so vague and sarcastic. What the fuck is going on with Mars and NASA.
Remember the volleyball, Wilson, from Castaway? Did he ever act again? Or did he just retire?
But what if you CAN'T draw the turtle from the back of the matchbook cover?
Something, something, something Money. Something, something, sexual metaphor. Something, something, DARK SIDE.
I don't wanna brag but my boyfriend is really tall and strong and nonexistent. Better back up off me.
What a shitty night to win a gold medal.
The first image captured by Mars Curiosity were of its shadow; guess we've got 6 more weeks of Martian winter.
Congratulations Twitter comedians, you've made so many jokes about BiCuriosity landing on Uranus that the planet is now trending.
"I'm sorry sir, but Martian State Farm does not cover the destruction of your house by crash-landing Sky Crane."
itchy asshole? there's an aggressive bowel movement for that.
everything is not always about me but most things are.
Foreplay with my wife consists of begging, whining, and grovelling for sex.
I like how my bff always types "LOVE YOU" as though she's shouting it at me. I get it, you love me. Stop yelling.
If you would just talk dirty,
then I would know you talk dirty,
so then I could talk dirty too.
It actually makes sense that Jenna Jameson would endorse Mitt Romney. They both got rich by screwing everybody.
If your team wears a black shirt, prepare for my son to yell: "the black one's out!" every time you strike out.
Guy I went to high school with is following me. It's gonna be so awkward when he looks through my pictures & realizes how hot I am now. NOT.
Guy that walked by smells so fucking good that I want to....... Oh, he looked at me. I'll be right back.
Someone's making me watch Titanic again. I've told them I know how it ends. Then again, I knew
the first time. Kate Winslet is beautiful.
Curiosity has landed on Mars. Now we wait 14 minutes to find out if it really comes back from going for that pack of cigarettes.
My dearest twitter,
Thank you for putting up with crazy me. I don't know where I would be without you.
Love and kisses,
if good guys always win in the end, we would not be in such a messy stage of our history.
If she would stop looking at me like that it'd be easier to walk upright.
You can't transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Wish it didn't get too late for drink #5
Are we all watching the rover on Mars?
You know what's on Mars? Nothing.
Doesn't matter if they win the gold; the female beach volleyball teams only get publicity for wearing next to nothing & jumping around.
Confidence is VERY attractive.
If not slave, will you be my twitter indentured servant, then?
Are sports bras sexy? Asking for sext content.
Free wifi, but twitter is restricted! Wtf! Why even have it, fucking cunts.
Remember when we would look both ways before crossing the street? Does anyone still do that?
Don't worry you're not the only one.
starring tweets is the only way I know how to flirt, sugar
I was just about to get some pussy.
"Curiosity" actually killed the cat.
So? Are there little green men over there or what?
Red rover red rover, let Kevin's dick come over.
"Standing by for Martian Sky Crane" - Just heard this quote from the NASA live feed. I picked the wrong career.
Sometimes LOVE loves hiding in the shadows.
Curiosity killed the cat.
We just Mission-Impossible'd onto Mars.
If you insist on doing that to you
I will have no choice
but to get into bed with you
and do it too.
What's all the curiosity about this chocolate bar for? Its a chocolate bar for fuck sakes.
I am at that drunk when I want to @ people like a mother fucker. So ignore me, block me, entertain me, whatever. More beer! Yay.
Craving a Mars Bar right now.
Useless Talent #49: My name is Mick. I'll never have an identity crisis. Ever.
Hey, IdiotFace. Stop complimenting me on my tattoos. They take up less than one square inch on my body. I'm not a badass.
I should probably make washing my vagina a regular thing, meh
I shoved a mars bar up my ass for curiosity.
The USA just landed on Mars while simultaneously fighting over gay rights involving chicken. Talk about a paradox of a country.
So did Rebecca Black retire from music or what? Didn't anyone tell her there are six other days in the week she could sing about?
Kim Kardashian is dating a black guy?! That NEVER happens!
Are you guys still going to star my tweets when I'm dead?