We found 188 favorite tweets.
I love that moment when it just hits you and you're like, woah that person is a freak and it's over.
Dance like a few people are watching and putting dollar bills in your g-string.
What's a munchie run? And where the fuck is my boyfriend?
maybe… but I don't think so…
When everything &everyone is screaming,pulling me in one hundred directions,without regard for me,
All I need,is to fucking see your eyes.
Wife: oh, I had the most awful, horrible experience. I don't want to talk about it now...I'll wait until you're trying to go to sleep...
The Foo Fighters split up. Don't worry. Green Day is still around to release singles and albums that all sound the same.
Sex without intimacy is like caffeine without coffee.
I use air quotations when I say the word "vagina" because I've never actually seen one.
👇DM this asshole below me and tell 'em I said to eat my ass.👇
My knee hurts. These skinny pants keep rubbing against the scrape that drunk Rachel aquired Saturday night...
May your cornucopia have some corn.
Your mama's weight divided by pi is easier to calculate than your mama's weight multiplied by pie.
"This. Is. Your. Auto-matic. captain. Would. You. Care. For. A. Mimosa?"
I know you don't RT me cuz I'm a Jew
Watching a documentary on health and food, any of my chubby friends should avoid me for a few days cause I'll probably get preachy.
I just made my drink without a shot glass. Because fuck giving a fuck.
Oh, without a glass, soda or ice either.
A woman is like a condom. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
I was going to watch that movie but instead I watched all of your pics of it on Instagram.
My ovaries just came back from vacation.
That's 29 years, 11 months of never seeing my ab muscles.
Jokes about incest, bestiality & stalking are not funny.
Siri just told me you like anal.
I'm cool with being alone cuz it's too hot to snuggle.
I live in constant fear that my mother follows me on twitter.
Amazing what memory can retain. Haven't heard Ice Ice Baby for years, read one line in someone's bio, now the whole thing is in my head.
a neide tá muito má, Britney diabolica.
The saying "If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all" is the reason I have to tweet so much.
The only thing sadder than my depression over this empty bag of chocolate chips is nothing.
I only smoke a cigar when I'm celebrating something or feeling presidential.
My mom walked away and left her popcorn on the table. My 5 y/o immediately got up and tried to pour it into his own bowl. Little thief...
I'll quit smoking when somebody proves to me that these things are bad for my health.
Shit, she can call me Harvey if she wants....I'll Wallbanger.
@SwkManchester @avengedjenny2 @Arzoo_x @imclarissahi
hate when i don't get a goodnight text
when you can tell someone doesn't want to talk to you
Please could you check out John Adams new cover of Wings!It's amazing!Suscribe him please, thanks xx VIDEO
My Followers. @Mermiddan @Simone_dubois @WrensToyGirl @Nicole1594
@l0lyousmell @SwkManchester @avengedjenny2 @arzoo_x :)
Captain's Log: I can't not make fun of shitty TV... it's my curse.
Wearing my glasses tonight. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I do look a lot like my mom...
why would you even star that?
I'm just like a penny...
Fucking worthless, and found in everyone's pants.
The Magic 8 Ball says Baz is cock blocked all this week.
Ladies, please help prove the Magic 8 Ball wrong.
I believe in women's rights
should be use for cookin dinner while they're holding a baby in their left, and barefoot and pregnant.
FACT: People that are mean to other people on twitter still live with their mommy. And eat turds for breakfast.
Todd Oliver and Irving are hysterical! Keep your material current.
Beware sexy babes or I shall trap you with my mind thoughts.
Do gays make fun of hetero-sex? "Bet they're gonna go home and go straight to missionary, no oral, in their bed, with the lights out!"
I am the unsung hero of
Deodorant works if you apply it liberally, take that conservatives!
i’m hoping life got a vasectomy.
Actors named William and John, who hurt you?
Why do you even bother. It's shit TV. I'm learning a lot more by watching MasterChef.
Not saying I'm drunk, but a mosquito and a spider bit me at the same time, staggered away, and are now getting married.
Hey, Favstar stars! Why are you thinking so hard before sticking? Quit judging me!
As I sit here drinking, I remember some of the cute guys from AA. I need to go back. To stop drinking. Not for the hot guys. Really.
Nobody knows if “dreamt” is even a real word and nobody really wants to know.
Henry Winkler blames his dad for the Jump the Shark episode of HAPPY DAYS, but they ignored his idea for the shark to eat Joanie and Chachi.
Katy perry's falling from cloud 9. My song.
I'm married to the lowest
Watching I'll let you know if anything catches my eye.
Please help in the search for my missing identical conjoined twin brother.
Quite possibly the only Republican on Twitter. Unfollow accordingly.
Apparently if a cop hands you a breathalyzer test and you try to smoke it that counts as an automatic fail.
Was sent a DM saying there is an app. that will show who's stalking their profile.If it's real,I'm gonna weird out so many people! :(
a piece of food stuck in my teeth way in the back for days. Couldn't brush it loose. Outta floss. Can't reach with fingers. This is my 9/11.
It's not everyday that you meet special people. Appreciate them when you do.
Twitter... you confuse the shit out of me.
Ok people who use military time in everyday conversations: We've heard enough. A little more AM/PM, a little less being a dickweed.
Not wiping is the new black
You never know when the world is going to be blown up to make way for an intergalactic superhighway.
Say what you want about Instagram, I think clouds are fucking beautiful.
Sharing one lighter between two smokers takes trust, communication, and is not for the faint of heart. Embark with caution, my friends.
Nothing like a nice piff after a hard days work. :-D
You too! It's nice to have you back!
You disappeared for a while there.. There were nothing to laugh at!
ITS MY BIRTHDAY GUYS ASDFGHJKL
can someone come and look after me today omg pls
Rosalie , is like gorgeous.
If I commit no offence, but am punished anyway, I might as well have done the crime.
Often, I get embarrassed when I get too emotionally self-indulgent.
Until I remember this is twitter & it's what I came here for.
I know the lengths I'd go to for you.
How far would you go for me?
There are no stupid questions, so stop asking them.
Where have all the good hashtag games gone and by that I mean the dirty ones?
Mixing 23 different flavors together still gives your stuff a single flavor, Dr. Pepper. A single, awful flavor.
Don't wanna go home but I'm happy to get out of this place ... Makes no sense :)
I hope these hickeys up my neck aren't too off putting
When I was married, I wished I had a different guy each night. Now that I'm single and have that, I wish I would of gotten divorced sooner.
All string is silly if you ask me.
"Could you pass the SALT?" I stare at the family of snails that invited me into their home for dinner. This is the ultimate test of courage.
Was anyone else aware that MARS has its own time zone? What else are they hiding from us?
Those that put your location, It's so *creepy that you're actually located close to me.
*awesome, I'm driving there to stalk you properly.
there's some people on my tl who are always on twitter! it's like they never sleep lol
Throw poop at people who love Justin Bieber. See what happens when shit hits the fan.
If I am the one doing all the effort to keep this relationship going then.......... I'm going to keep on doing it because I am the pushover.
Dropped the bread clip in the toaster, walking around with my shirt inside out, drinking caffeine before bed. I'm on a fucking roll
The away team has way hotter dudes. Excuse me while I change which dugout I sit behind.
ALERT: Rubbing dry ice on your nipples does not make it sexier.
Anyone else feel a little guilty for all the nerd pummeling you did during High School tonight?
It's troubling that less than an hour after the Mars Curiosity landing, "Punk'd" is trending.
We all see what we want, I suppose. Did you need to step out for some shave-ice with mango syrup?
Sometimes God pushes us to our limits. It's because He has greater faith in us than we have in ourselves
My life may suck, but not my kids life. I will be left wanting, to make sure they are spoiled rotten. I'm okay with this.
Meh. I give Mars six months before they build a MarBucks on every street crater.
I think about what it'd be like if by accident we were to run into each other again, and I don't think I am strong enough to handle that.
But what if you CAN'T draw the turtle from the back of the matchbook cover?
Remember the volleyball, Wilson, from Castaway? Did he ever act again? Or did he just retire?
Dear twitter people. Stop being so vague and sarcastic. What the fuck is going on with Mars and NASA.
Sext: My boobs aren't big enough to put into my mouth but maybe they'll reach yours?
Yes, I believe we've got the pattern down, baby!
"I'm sorry sir, but Martian State Farm does not cover the destruction of your house by crash-landing Sky Crane."
Congratulations Twitter comedians, you've made so many jokes about BiCuriosity landing on Uranus that the planet is now trending.
The first image captured by Mars Curiosity were of its shadow; guess we've got 6 more weeks of Martian winter.
What a shitty night to win a gold medal.
I don't wanna brag but my boyfriend is really tall and strong and nonexistent. Better back up off me.
Something, something, something Money. Something, something, sexual metaphor. Something, something, DARK SIDE.
itchy asshole? there's an aggressive bowel movement for that.
It actually makes sense that Jenna Jameson would endorse Mitt Romney. They both got rich by screwing everybody.
If you would just talk dirty,
then I would know you talk dirty,
so then I could talk dirty too.
I like how my bff always types "LOVE YOU" as though she's shouting it at me. I get it, you love me. Stop yelling.
Foreplay with my wife consists of begging, whining, and grovelling for sex.
Twitter ladies that only flirt with me for attention are a refreshing change of pace from those that only want my wiener.
my turn ons are penis, and men who don't like commitment
One of you is going to be the death of me.
Sext: I want you to hump me like that dog was humping your leg today.
I follow up so many of my statements with, fuck! I'm such an ass. That I don't know how I have any friends anymore.
Maybe boys don't like me because I'd rather go commando that wear a sexy thong.
Ugh, Mars Curiosity just checked in on FourSquare on "Mars". Showoff.
Sext: All my underwear are dirty so I'm not wearing any.
Oh. Well. That's very different. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room quietly into my trousseau.
I'm not jealous you're kidless. I'm jealous that you don't have to deal with a selfish & worthless joke of a "supportive"dad of your kids.
Penis. Cheese. Nectarine. Grandma's Pussy. Jizz. Fuzagi.
Holding hands while crossing the street is the closest I get to first base.
Are you guys still going to star my tweets when I'm dead?
Kim Kardashian is dating a black guy?! That NEVER happens!
So did Rebecca Black retire from music or what? Didn't anyone tell her there are six other days in the week she could sing about?
The USA just landed on Mars while simultaneously fighting over gay rights involving chicken. Talk about a paradox of a country.
I shoved a mars bar up my ass for curiosity.
I should probably make washing my vagina a regular thing, meh
Hey, IdiotFace. Stop complimenting me on my tattoos. They take up less than one square inch on my body. I'm not a badass.
Craving a Mars Bar right now.
Useless Talent #49: My name is Mick. I'll never have an identity crisis. Ever.
I am at that drunk when I want to @ people like a mother fucker. So ignore me, block me, entertain me, whatever. More beer! Yay.
What's all the curiosity about this chocolate bar for? Its a chocolate bar for fuck sakes.
If you insist on doing that to you
I will have no choice
but to get into bed with you
and do it too.
We just Mission-Impossible'd onto Mars.
Curiosity killed the cat.
Sometimes LOVE loves hiding in the shadows.
"Standing by for Martian Sky Crane" - Just heard this quote from the NASA live feed. I picked the wrong career.
I was just about to get some pussy.
"Curiosity" actually killed the cat.
So? Are there little green men over there or what?
Red rover red rover, let Kevin's dick come over.
starring tweets is the only way I know how to flirt, sugar
Remember when we would look both ways before crossing the street? Does anyone still do that?
Don't worry you're not the only one.
Free wifi, but twitter is restricted! Wtf! Why even have it, fucking cunts.
Are sports bras sexy? Asking for sext content.
If not slave, will you be my twitter indentured servant, then?
Confidence is VERY attractive.
Doesn't matter if they win the gold; the female beach volleyball teams only get publicity for wearing next to nothing & jumping around.
You know what's on Mars? Nothing.
Are we all watching the rover on Mars?
Wish it didn't get too late for drink #5
You can't transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
If she would stop looking at me like that it'd be easier to walk upright.
if good guys always win in the end, we would not be in such a messy stage of our history.
My dearest twitter,
Thank you for putting up with crazy me. I don't know where I would be without you.
Love and kisses,
Curiosity has landed on Mars. Now we wait 14 minutes to find out if it really comes back from going for that pack of cigarettes.
Someone's making me watch Titanic again. I've told them I know how it ends. Then again, I knew
the first time. Kate Winslet is beautiful.
Guy that walked by smells so fucking good that I want to....... Oh, he looked at me. I'll be right back.
Guy I went to high school with is following me. It's gonna be so awkward when he looks through my pictures & realizes how hot I am now. NOT.
If your team wears a black shirt, prepare for my son to yell: "the black one's out!" every time you strike out.
I love when people point out the generalization about a stereotype I referenced as a joke on Twitter. - subtweet
The voices may not be real but They have some damn good ideas
Just WTF was that...? Sounded/felt like a massive thunder strike played back at a really low pitch. (No, we don't have earthquakes here...)
“Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wiiide enough, to keep me from gettin to Jews.” - Motown Hitler
WhenIWasALittleKid I thought adults were assholes.
I still think adults are assholes.