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duhtTweetAsheboro , North Carolina.2011-10-14
@duhtTweet922 days
Justin Bieber inspired me to believe in my dreams. Last night I dreamed I killed Justin Bieber. Uncut, Sitting Down Comedian 24 http://t.co/1OsrLcj9Jx
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19,32727,6062817513,794
We found 192 favorite tweets.
candice @__candypants
I love that moment when it just hits you and you're like, woah that person is a freak and it's over.
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Bad Bad Leeroy Brown @bdbdleeroybrown
Dance like a few people are watching and putting dollar bills in your g-string.
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6
SashaJBrenner @SashaBrenner
What's a munchie run? And where the fuck is my boyfriend?
567d               
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1
Mariana Gonzaga @marianag_96
@duhtTweet maybe… but I don't think so…
567d in reply to duhtTweet               
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J @The_Sculptress
When everything &everyone is screaming,pulling me in one hundred directions,without regard for me,

All I need,is to fucking see your eyes.
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TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Wife: oh, I had the most awful, horrible experience. I don't want to talk about it now...I'll wait until you're trying to go to sleep...
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John Wayne Gaysee @johngaysee
The Foo Fighters split up. Don't worry. Green Day is still around to release singles and albums that all sound the same.
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11
ShoutingGoddess @ShoutingGoddess
Sex without intimacy is like caffeine without coffee.
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Chief Twittler @ChiefTwittler
I use air quotations when I say the word "vagina" because I've never actually seen one.
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Ice Huck @IceHuck
👇DM this asshole below me and tell 'em I said to eat my ass.👇
567d               
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rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
My knee hurts. These skinny pants keep rubbing against the scrape that drunk Rachel aquired Saturday night...
567d               
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1
Suzy Q. @SusanandTrixie
May your cornucopia have some corn.
567d               
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Chief Twittler @ChiefTwittler
Your mama's weight divided by pi is easier to calculate than your mama's weight multiplied by pie.
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5
rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
"This. Is. Your. Auto-matic. captain. Would. You. Care. For. A. Mimosa?"
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TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
I know you don't RT me cuz I'm a Jew
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Tim @TimUhl
Watching a documentary on health and food, any of my chubby friends should avoid me for a few days cause I'll probably get preachy.
567d               
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Starr's war @StarrsWar
I just made my drink without a shot glass. Because fuck giving a fuck.
Oh, without a glass, soda or ice either.
567d               
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DARUDEST! @rudegal1969
Shit cooking ..
567d               
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Aaron the Baron @AaronMichael_
A woman is like a condom. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
567d               
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20
Ryan @ryaninco
I was going to watch that movie but instead I watched all of your pics of it on Instagram.
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4
Suzy Q. @SusanandTrixie
My ovaries just came back from vacation.
567d               
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1
Meatbot Pro 2K @RoyKeDa
That's 29 years, 11 months of never seeing my ab muscles.
567d               
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1
Chief Twittler @ChiefTwittler
Jokes about incest, bestiality & stalking are not funny.
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5
Ice Huck @IceHuck
Siri just told me you like anal.
567d               
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2
Erikka Innes @nerdgirlcomedy
I'm cool with being alone cuz it's too hot to snuggle.
567d               
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Ice Huck @IceHuck
I live in constant fear that my mother follows me on twitter.
567d               
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4
Capo Di Chaos @Capo_Di_Chaos
Amazing what memory can retain. Haven't heard Ice Ice Baby for years, read one line in someone's bio, now the whole thing is in my head.
567d               
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Brunno Freittas @thebruninhoreal
a neide tá muito má, Britney diabolica.
567d               
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4
Chief Twittler @ChiefTwittler
only lazy stalkers kill
567d               
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2
Jack @uMakeMeBad
The saying "If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all" is the reason I have to tweet so much.
567d               
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2
Sirrruh @Sirrruh
The only thing sadder than my depression over this empty bag of chocolate chips is nothing.
567d               
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Ryan @ryaninco
I only smoke a cigar when I'm celebrating something or feeling presidential.
567d               
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2
rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
My mom walked away and left her popcorn on the table. My 5 y/o immediately got up and tried to pour it into his own bowl. Little thief...
567d               
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Suzy Q. @SusanandTrixie
Oops I did it again.
567d               
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Ice Huck @IceHuck
I'll quit smoking when somebody proves to me that these things are bad for my health.
567d               
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Billy Wipe Lightly @B_poling82
Shit, she can call me Harvey if she wants....I'll Wallbanger.
567d               
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2
Anna @reedus_slave
@duhtTweet hey sexy! Thanks for the follow back
569d in reply to duhtTweet               
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mellisa @mellisaprilia
#ff @duhtTweet @matt_hine @SwkManchester @avengedjenny2 @Alex_Hall23 @camiloandresm16 @arzoo_x @AshRyalls420 @imclarissahi @brandynanderson
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nishee× @tanishacox_
hate when i don't get a goodnight text #boo
586d               
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nishee× @tanishacox_
when you can tell someone doesn't want to talk to you
586d               
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sarah ann guhr @sarah__guhrrr
@duhtTweet twitition.com/9l9mx please sign
587d in reply to duhtTweet               
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Grunge @grahamx_x
Where's @duhtTweet !
588d               
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John Adams Updates @JohnAdamsTopFan
@duhtTweet Please could you check out John Adams new cover of Wings!It's amazing!Suscribe him please, thanks xx youtube.com/watch?v=e_Xzpm…
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Khaylinn @_Khaylinn_
#FF My Followers. @Mermiddan @Nenabeya @shelbynbrandon @Simone_dubois @WrensToyGirl @Nicole1594 @lilmssarcastic1 @duhtTweet @chanwell84
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Rough Sex & Cupcakes @Wreaking_Havoc_
#ff @drinkcherrycoke @duhhashley @duhtTweet @DustyTrice @DylanRatigan @Elifcello @ElliceRocks @emceej @EMSthetician @erica_rosie @esme8699
593d               
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kriss S Ritchie @KandAFilms
#FF @aalooman @DeadInsideNotes @DecadentDavid @DesignLike @Digital_Hobo @DITnerd @Ditts @donnadmd @dpnatureliving @duhtTweet @EleftheriaMG
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mellisa @mellisaprilia
#ff @tomorrowshand @l0lyousmell @purekitty29 @negativeVcreep @duhtTweet @matt_hine @SwkManchester @avengedjenny2 @Alex_Hall23 @arzoo_x :)
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I'm the Dude, man @EnigmaticEvil
Captain's Log: I can't not make fun of shitty TV... it's my curse.
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B( . Y . )bers! @JRecommends
Wearing my glasses tonight. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I do look a lot like my mom... pic.twitter.com/WBWg4Cz5
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Vape Pen Greg @the_kizzle
why would you even star that?
602d               
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PoohBear™ @pbear79
I'm just like a penny...

Fucking worthless, and found in everyone's pants.
602d               
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3
BaZ @Baz_3000
The Magic 8 Ball says Baz is cock blocked all this week.
Ladies, please help prove the Magic 8 Ball wrong.
602d               
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TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
I believe in women's rights

should be use for cookin dinner while they're holding a baby in their left, and barefoot and pregnant.
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4
candice @__candypants
FACT: People that are mean to other people on twitter still live with their mommy. And eat turds for breakfast.
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9
Dave @weird4
Todd Oliver and Irving are hysterical! Keep your material current. #AGT
602d               
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BaZ @Baz_3000
Beware sexy babes or I shall trap you with my mind thoughts.
602d               
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1
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Do gays make fun of hetero-sex? "Bet they're gonna go home and go straight to missionary, no oral, in their bed, with the lights out!"
602d               
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18
BaZ @Baz_3000
I am the unsung hero of
twitter underachievers.
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1
Suzy Q. @SusanandTrixie
Deodorant works if you apply it liberally, take that conservatives!
602d               
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2
freckle face @domesticH
i’m hoping life got a vasectomy.
602d               
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10
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Actors named William and John, who hurt you?
602d               
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15
John Wayne Gaysee @johngaysee
Fuck this. - Pussies.
602d               
33
7
Skoots ® @skoots777
Why do you even bother. It's shit TV. I'm learning a lot more by watching MasterChef.
602d               
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Kelkulus @kelkulus
Not saying I'm drunk, but a mosquito and a spider bit me at the same time, staggered away, and are now getting married.
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38
18
B( . Y . )bers! @JRecommends
Hey, Favstar stars! Why are you thinking so hard before sticking? Quit judging me!
602d               
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2
Starr's war @StarrsWar
As I sit here drinking, I remember some of the cute guys from AA. I need to go back. To stop drinking. Not for the hot guys. Really.
602d               
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1
Hakim Givens @illTortuga
Nobody knows if “dreamt” is even a real word and nobody really wants to know.
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3
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
Henry Winkler blames his dad for the Jump the Shark episode of HAPPY DAYS, but they ignored his idea for the shark to eat Joanie and Chachi.
602d               
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1
rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
Katy perry's falling from cloud 9. My song.
602d               
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BaZ @Baz_3000
I'm married to the lowest
common dominatrix.
602d               
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3
Dave @weird4
Watching #AGT I'll let you know if anything catches my eye.
602d               
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BaZ @Baz_3000
Please help in the search for my missing identical conjoined twin brother.
602d               
11
3
The Dirty Gentleman @KamanCider
My balls are real.
602d               
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1
Boss Ladyy @NatyBietz
Quite possibly the only Republican on Twitter. Unfollow accordingly.
602d               
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1
Edward Booth @edjohnbooth
Apparently if a cop hands you a breathalyzer test and you try to smoke it that counts as an automatic fail.
602d               
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Mediocre Marvel @eliserose5
Was sent a DM saying there is an app. that will show who's stalking their profile.If it's real,I'm gonna weird out so many people! :(
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TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
a piece of food stuck in my teeth way in the back for days. Couldn't brush it loose. Outta floss. Can't reach with fingers. This is my 9/11.
602d               
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3
Ryan @ryaninco
It's not everyday that you meet special people. Appreciate them when you do.
602d               
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20
Skoots ® @skoots777
Twitter... you confuse the shit out of me.
602d               
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2
Adam @adambation
Ok people who use military time in everyday conversations: We've heard enough. A little more AM/PM, a little less being a dickweed.
602d               
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13
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Not wiping is the new black
602d               
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9
Skoots ® @skoots777
You never know when the world is going to be blown up to make way for an intergalactic superhighway.
602d               
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1
Chrisanna4real @chrisanna4real
Say what you want about Instagram, I think clouds are fucking beautiful.
602d               
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20
Kim Farrell @Bunnydurden
Sharing one lighter between two smokers takes trust, communication, and is not for the faint of heart. Embark with caution, my friends.
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21
Jen @Maryjane_311
Nothing like a nice piff after a hard days work. :-D
602d               
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Cicilia Zakie Duys @ZakieDuys
@duhtTweet You too! It's nice to have you back!
603d in reply to duhtTweet               
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Cicilia Zakie Duys @ZakieDuys
@duhtTweet You disappeared for a while there.. There were nothing to laugh at!
603d in reply to duhtTweet               
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beth @bethymas
ITS MY BIRTHDAY GUYS ASDFGHJKL
625d               
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becky @beckyjrowlands
can someone come and look after me today omg pls
625d               
1
M. ❥ @XO_Meganx3
Rosalie , is like gorgeous.
625d               
1
Suvanna ✨ @SincerlySuvanna
Why am I not asleep?
625d               
1
1
Thu  @THU_chainz
im getting tired again
625d               
1
Rhea @rheanicolee
crap night sleep
625d               
1
The Muse @RummyLauded
If I commit no offence, but am punished anyway, I might as well have done the crime.
625d               
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15
The Muse @RummyLauded
Often, I get embarrassed when I get too emotionally self-indulgent.
Until I remember this is twitter & it's what I came here for.
625d               
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5
The Muse @RummyLauded
I know the lengths I'd go to for you.
How far would you go for me?
625d               
28
8
Gordon Currie @hiplingo
There are no stupid questions, so stop asking them.
625d               
5
2
groovy spice ☯ @_rollingst0n3d
the best tweets are always tweeted past midnight. why? insomniac thoughts, obv
625d               
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groovy spice ☯ @_rollingst0n3d
omg a hole ripped through my favorite sweater fucking fuckity mcfuck fucks
625d               
1
EdwinaCrumple @EdwinaCrumple
Where have all the good hashtag games gone and by that I mean the dirty ones?
625d               
2
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
Mixing 23 different flavors together still gives your stuff a single flavor, Dr. Pepper. A single, awful flavor.
625d               
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Jess. @JessicaVallely
Don't wanna go home but I'm happy to get out of this place ... Makes no sense :)
625d               
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Tuna Melt @pukingvagina
I hope these hickeys up my neck aren't too off putting
625d               
3
Starr's war @StarrsWar
When I was married, I wished I had a different guy each night. Now that I'm single and have that, I wish I would of gotten divorced sooner.
625d               
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6
Stephen Drangula @Drangula
All string is silly if you ask me.
625d               
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2
Hakim Givens @illTortuga
"Could you pass the SALT?" I stare at the family of snails that invited me into their home for dinner. This is the ultimate test of courage.
625d               
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5
Capo Di Chaos @Capo_Di_Chaos
Was anyone else aware that MARS has its own time zone? What else are they hiding from us?
625d               
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Starr's war @StarrsWar
Those that put your location, It's so *creepy that you're actually located close to me.

*awesome, I'm driving there to stalk you properly.
625d               
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3
- @monifahhh
there's some people on my tl who are always on twitter! it's like they never sleep lol
625d               
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Lucifer Arturo Ordog @DeepDarkFear
Throw poop at people who love Justin Bieber. See what happens when shit hits the fan.
625d               
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7
Starr's war @StarrsWar
If I am the one doing all the effort to keep this relationship going then.......... I'm going to keep on doing it because I am the pushover.
625d               
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Tuna Melt @pukingvagina
Dropped the bread clip in the toaster, walking around with my shirt inside out, drinking caffeine before bed. I'm on a fucking roll
625d               
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1
Starr's war @StarrsWar
The away team has way hotter dudes. Excuse me while I change which dugout I sit behind.
625d               
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groovy spice ☯ @_rollingst0n3d
I'm crying and I don't even know why, or maybe I know too many reasons why so I can't pinpoint what's really hurting me, maybe everything is
625d               
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1
bombscribe @bombscribe
ALERT: Rubbing dry ice on your nipples does not make it sexier.
625d               
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3
Shane @shanethevein
Anyone else feel a little guilty for all the nerd pummeling you did during High School tonight?
625d               
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1
Kelkulus @kelkulus
It's troubling that less than an hour after the Mars Curiosity landing, "Punk'd" is trending.
625d               
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Skoots ® @skoots777
We all see what we want, I suppose. Did you need to step out for some shave-ice with mango syrup?
625d               
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PROJECTDANCEKNIGHT @PROJECTDKNIGHT
Sometimes God pushes us to our limits. It's because He has greater faith in us than we have in ourselves
625d               
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7
Starr's war @StarrsWar
My life may suck, but not my kids life. I will be left wanting, to make sure they are spoiled rotten. I'm okay with this.
625d               
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bombscribe @bombscribe
Meh. I give Mars six months before they build a MarBucks on every street crater.
625d               
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10
Spun Jude @MitchJewd
I think about what it'd be like if by accident we were to run into each other again, and I don't think I am strong enough to handle that.
625d               
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1
Skoots ® @skoots777
But what if you CAN'T draw the turtle from the back of the matchbook cover?
625d               
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SarcasMick @MickSnark
Remember the volleyball, Wilson, from Castaway? Did he ever act again? Or did he just retire?
625d               
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8
Cunty Smurf @xGingerAvenger
Dear twitter people. Stop being so vague and sarcastic. What the fuck is going on with Mars and NASA.
625d               
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SarcasMick @MickSnark
Sext: My boobs aren't big enough to put into my mouth but maybe they'll reach yours?
625d               
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1
Skoots ® @skoots777
Yes, I believe we've got the pattern down, baby!
625d               
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1
Kelkulus @kelkulus
"I'm sorry sir, but Martian State Farm does not cover the destruction of your house by crash-landing Sky Crane."
625d               
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13
Kelkulus @kelkulus
Congratulations Twitter comedians, you've made so many jokes about BiCuriosity landing on Uranus that the planet is now trending.
625d               
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Kelkulus @kelkulus
The first image captured by Mars Curiosity were of its shadow; guess we've got 6 more weeks of Martian winter.
625d               
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Josh Boltz @JoshBoltzIsDead
What a shitty night to win a gold medal.
625d               
2
SarcasMick @MickSnark
I don't wanna brag but my boyfriend is really tall and strong and nonexistent. Better back up off me.
625d               
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1
Skoots ® @skoots777
Something, something, something Money. Something, something, sexual metaphor. Something, something, DARK SIDE.
625d               
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Vape Pen Greg @the_kizzle
itchy asshole? there's an aggressive bowel movement for that.
625d               
10
Skoots ® @skoots777
It actually makes sense that Jenna Jameson would endorse Mitt Romney. They both got rich by screwing everybody.
625d               
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1
BaZ @Baz_3000
If you would just talk dirty,
then I would know you talk dirty,
so then I could talk dirty too.
625d               
3
SarcasMick @MickSnark
I like how my bff always types "LOVE YOU" as though she's shouting it at me. I get it, you love me. Stop yelling.
625d               
9
1
Parentpains @Parentpains
Foreplay with my wife consists of begging, whining, and grovelling for sex.
625d               
125
41
p skittle @preawsaurus
everything is not always about me but most things are.
625d               
87
13
Chief Twittler @ChiefTwittler
Twitter ladies that only flirt with me for attention are a refreshing change of pace from those that only want my wiener.
625d               
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27
Tuna Melt @pukingvagina
my turn ons are penis, and men who don't like commitment
625d               
5
BaZ @Baz_3000
One of you is going to be the death of me.
625d               
5
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Sext: I want you to hump me like that dog was humping your leg today.
625d               
10
4
Starr's war @StarrsWar
I follow up so many of my statements with, fuck! I'm such an ass. That I don't know how I have any friends anymore.
625d               
8
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Maybe boys don't like me because I'd rather go commando that wear a sexy thong.
625d               
8
Kelkulus @kelkulus
Ugh, Mars Curiosity just checked in on FourSquare on "Mars". Showoff.
625d               
81
108
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Sext: All my underwear are dirty so I'm not wearing any.
625d               
16
4
Skoots ® @skoots777
Oh. Well. That's very different. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room quietly into my trousseau.
625d               
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Starr's war @StarrsWar
I'm not jealous you're kidless. I'm jealous that you don't have to deal with a selfish & worthless joke of a "supportive"dad of your kids.
625d               
6
Adam @adambation
Penis. Cheese. Nectarine. Grandma's Pussy. Jizz. Fuzagi.
625d               
7
1
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Holding hands while crossing the street is the closest I get to first base.
625d               
10
1
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Are you guys still going to star my tweets when I'm dead?
625d               
14
2
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Kim Kardashian is dating a black guy?! That NEVER happens!
625d               
8
1
SarcasMick @MickSnark
So did Rebecca Black retire from music or what? Didn't anyone tell her there are six other days in the week she could sing about?
625d               
11
4
Kelkulus @kelkulus
The USA just landed on Mars while simultaneously fighting over gay rights involving chicken. Talk about a paradox of a country.
625d               
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130
xHOBOMISSINGx @kevnasto
I shoved a mars bar up my ass for curiosity.
625d               
46
15
Tuna Melt @pukingvagina
I should probably make washing my vagina a regular thing, meh
625d               
8
1
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Hey, IdiotFace. Stop complimenting me on my tattoos. They take up less than one square inch on my body. I'm not a badass.
625d               
4
bombscribe @bombscribe
Craving a Mars Bar right now.
625d               
21
5
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Useless Talent #49: My name is Mick. I'll never have an identity crisis. Ever.
625d               
7
Starr's war @StarrsWar
I am at that drunk when I want to @ people like a mother fucker. So ignore me, block me, entertain me, whatever. More beer! Yay.
625d               
10
xHOBOMISSINGx @kevnasto
What's all the curiosity about this chocolate bar for? Its a chocolate bar for fuck sakes.
625d               
23
2
BaZ @Baz_3000
If you insist on doing that to you
I will have no choice
but to get into bed with you
and do it too.
625d               
3
Kelkulus @kelkulus
We just Mission-Impossible'd onto Mars.
625d               
22
15
Dave @weird4
Curiosity killed the cat.
625d               
1
1
Skoots ® @skoots777
Sometimes LOVE loves hiding in the shadows.
625d               
1
1
Kelkulus @kelkulus
"Standing by for Martian Sky Crane" - Just heard this quote from the NASA live feed. I picked the wrong career.
625d               
22
7
Shane @shanethevein
I was just about to get some pussy.

"Curiosity" actually killed the cat.
625d               
45
4
MicYsa @MicYsa
So? Are there little green men over there or what?
625d               
8
1
xHOBOMISSINGx @kevnasto
Red rover red rover, let Kevin's dick come over.
625d               
21
4
Tuna Melt @pukingvagina
starring tweets is the only way I know how to flirt, sugar
625d               
6
1
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Remember when we would look both ways before crossing the street? Does anyone still do that?
625d               
4
2
Skoots ® @skoots777
Don't worry you're not the only one.
625d               
2
groovy spice ☯ @_rollingst0n3d
I don't even know anymore, whatever. I just want to get high and forget it all.
625d               
1
Starr's war @StarrsWar
Free wifi, but twitter is restricted! Wtf! Why even have it, fucking cunts.
625d               
6
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Are sports bras sexy? Asking for sext content.
625d               
10
1
BaZ @Baz_3000
If not slave, will you be my twitter indentured servant, then?
625d               
5
rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
Confidence is VERY attractive.
625d               
7
3
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Doesn't matter if they win the gold; the female beach volleyball teams only get publicity for wearing next to nothing & jumping around.
625d               
5
2
Dave @weird4
You know what's on Mars? Nothing.
625d               
1
Dave @weird4
Are we all watching the rover on Mars?
625d               
1
rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
Wish it didn't get too late for drink #5
625d               
1
Kelkulus @kelkulus
You can't transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
625d               
271
571
BaZ @Baz_3000
If she would stop looking at me like that it'd be easier to walk upright.
625d               
5
1
Not an Idiot! Maybe. @Tauseef31
if good guys always win in the end, we would not be in such a messy stage of our history.
625d               
1
rachel NOT rach @getoffmyplanet
My dearest twitter,
Thank you for putting up with crazy me. I don't know where I would be without you.
Love and kisses,
Rachel
625d               
4
Kelkulus @kelkulus
Curiosity has landed on Mars. Now we wait 14 minutes to find out if it really comes back from going for that pack of cigarettes.
625d               
16
10
BaZ @Baz_3000
Someone's making me watch Titanic again. I've told them I know how it ends. Then again, I knew
the first time. Kate Winslet is beautiful.
625d               
3
Starr's war @StarrsWar
Guy that walked by smells so fucking good that I want to....... Oh, he looked at me. I'll be right back.
625d               
16
1
SarcasMick @MickSnark
Guy I went to high school with is following me. It's gonna be so awkward when he looks through my pictures & realizes how hot I am now. NOT.
625d               
6
2
Starr's war @StarrsWar
If your team wears a black shirt, prepare for my son to yell: "the black one's out!" every time you strike out.
625d               
8
1
Cunty Smurf @xGingerAvenger
I love when people point out the generalization about a stereotype I referenced as a joke on Twitter. - subtweet
625d               
10
2
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