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John MulaneyNew York City2009-09-08
@mulaney1,688 days
I am a nice, 30 year old comedian. My new album and DVD NEW IN TOWN is available on iTunes and Amazon.
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227,9641311,3472,55050
We found 50 favorite tweets.
Dan Levy @danlevy
The only thing I understand in House of Cards season 2 is that Freddy makes good ribs.
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Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
So cold that a fan came up to me and asked me to sign his frozen jabroni.
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e. spivey @spivey_e
Yes Insane Mother In Law, we are at LAX hanging out like we always do. thanks for calling.
173d               
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Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
#oscars Ever since the caveman sat by the fire, there was that one "funny" cave dweller who made them all smile. That's who we are.
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billy eichner @billyeichner
Thanx 2 @outmagazine for making me #95 on their list of 100 Most Eligible Bachelors. 95, people. NINETY. FIVE. The ghost of Liberace was 92.
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John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
"Since no farm animals actually changed hands, a divorce is possible."
-Papouli #whenhewasalive
437d               
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John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
If the "Papouli Dies" episode makes you sad, remember the moments when Papouli lived. Backwards table walk divorces. #papouli
437d               
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fooler initiative @metroadlib
Stephen A Smith just said he's the youngest of six children. Clouds parted. Light dawns. Understanding reached. All questions answered.
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John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
@JohnOBrienIII Sean Valjohn!!!!
477d in reply to JohnOBrienIII               
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Chris Kelly @imchriskelly
The scariest moments of high school were when my family would type the letter “g” into a search box.
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
For Xmas my boyfriend bought me a taxidermy peacock and my mom bought me a book on making terrariums. I've turned into a very weird adult.
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RobbiePraw @RobbiePraw
@mulaney all Jews can.
492d in reply to mulaney               
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
A Christmas miracle would be finding out Dana and Chris leave for boarding school in the next season of Homeland.
492d               
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Eric Hutchinson @EricHutchinson
Starting a new podcast: people telling stories they heard on "This American Life"
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
@mulaney, Happy Hanukkah, today is your day, and so are the next 7 days.
500d in reply to mulaney               
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Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
My campaign to stop gang violence. I'm selling "Cut Me Some Slack" buttons to high schools so kids can make a stand but still look cool.
509d               
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Abby Elliott @elliottdotabby
I think this "Liz and dick" maybe onto nothing
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
SOME SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN instagr.am/p/Sau8_YQWFH/
515d               
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Pete Holmes @peteholmes
One of my earliest jokes had the punchline "pi r squared? pie r delicious." #pirdelicious
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
Grandfather on @mulaney's special:"he was dressed real nice?" My grandfather's GF:"he was confused because John didn't look like a clown."
516d               
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
@azizansari @mulaney GrandpasComedyThoughts.biz
516d in reply to azizansari               
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Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
"She had a very Comme De Garçon look about her"- @mulaney describing a girl he met. He just said this to me. These were his exact words.
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nick kroll @nickkroll
Honestly, who's eating biscotti?
525d               
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Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
Guess some people can't take my drug humor. If you don't like edgy jokes, then don't follow me. I like to push the envelope.
530d               
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Nate Listrani @GameXChangure
@mulaney if you really needed that panini you wouldn't be askin questions, you'd just do it!
585d in reply to mulaney               
1
Ronald Funches @RonFunches
Realized this morning I told a room full of people I respect that I cried at the trailer for Pieces of Me and no one batted an eye.Good life
586d               
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Rachel Specter @RachelSpecter
Just tried to plug my phone charger into a glass of water. Time for bed.
593d               
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Anthony Jeselnik @anthonyjeselnik
Snookie now has a TV show, a book and a new baby. No matter what happens next, they'll never be able to take away her book.
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Paula Pell @perlapell
I'm gonna try my dog's Thundershirt for anxiety. I'm also gonna wear her plastic Elizabethan collar to the Emmys.
614d               
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Alex Baze @bazecraze
Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I'm watching a scary movie.
615d               
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Mike Vick @MikeVick
Only the Survive
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Tony Vegas @luisflandes
@mulaney "This isn't your grandmother's vibrator.... Is it?" -Madea goes to Amsterdam (2016)
621d in reply to mulaney               
1
Paula Pell @perlapell
You can have all the money in the world, but if you kill your wife you are going to jail for 30 to 40 months.
621d               
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Tom Papa @tompapa
If you don't have anything nice to say just tweet it.
643d               
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Amy Schumer @amyschumer
How about "Real Housewives of Jonestown" so the season can end a way we all agree with
648d               
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Paula Pell @perlapell
Hey Hipsters, stop reading paperbacks from the 70's in public places. I'm not buying it and neither is God.
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Chris Kelly @imchriskelly
Do dental hygienists get a 6-week maternity leave AND a 6-week reality show leave?
661d               
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Paula Pell @perlapell
"Talk to the foot!". What I say when I'm arguing while laying on my bed.
669d               
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Colin Jost @TheColinJost
Martha Marcy May Marlon is my favorite Wayans brother.
672d               
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Dan Levy @danlevy
How long can you blame shit on mercury being in retrograde?
680d               
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Angi L @AngiMichChi
@mulaney because no one wins.
680d in reply to mulaney               
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Paula Pell @perlapell
I just saw two bats fly out of a cave. It startled both me and my gynecologist.
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Mike Scully @scullymike
When someone says they're 86 years YOUNG, always correct them: "You said YOUNG, but you meant OLD, 'cuz 86 isn't YOUNG, it's OLD." #manners
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rob delaney @robdelaney
Terribly selfish of Andy Rooney not to leave his eyebrows to Whoopi Goldberg in his will.
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Max Silvestri @maxsilvestri
Does Guy Fieri put down newspapers before he "makes" on the kitchen floor?
746d               
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George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
"Let's just drop it!" - Person about to bring that shit up again first chance they get
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B.J. Novak @bjnovak
"And just so we know you didn't steal this credit card... What are three more numbers on the credit card?"
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Alex Baze @bazecraze
Put a shirt under that sweater, Europeans.
755d               
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Tom Papa @tompapa
The KKK had much scarier hoodies.
761d               
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John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
@PGriffinBaron @mulaney scattering has been a proven means of escape for years.
814d in reply to PGriffinBaron               
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