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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
John MulaneyNew York City2009-09-08
@mulaney1,820 days
I am a nice, 30 year old comedian. My new album and DVD NEW IN TOWN is available on iTunes and Amazon.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
257,5631361,3802,75559
We found 59 favorite tweets.
⚡David Angelo⚡ @MrDavidAngelo
Wow. Amazing moon tonight! pic.twitter.com/j4QLDQk3A9
51d               
16
3
Pete Holmes @peteholmes
"ok, let's try one where you're smiling ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... no?" - eminem's photographer
57d               
571
177
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
I don't look at myself and go Pryor Carlin Quinn!! That's other people being crazy. I just am lucky to be onstage at all!!
113d               
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10
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
I just tell jokes. It's nothing! I just put words together randomly that make people laugh uproariously and think about things differently.
113d               
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15
John Levenstein @johnlevenstein
Two of the five kids sleeping at my house tonight respect my authority.
114d               
17
2
⚡David Angelo⚡ @MrDavidAngelo
Every comedian is from Massachusetts, New York, Illinois, or Florida.
116d               
17
1
⚡David Angelo⚡ @MrDavidAngelo
My agent and I are having coffee at the place I serve coffee.
124d               
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3
Michael Koman @MichaelKoman
So he's able to help ghosts, but he can't help himself. I find that hard to believe.
130d               
9
2
Zack Pearlman @ZackPearlman
Yo, am I a prostitute?
130d               
5
2
Dan Levy @danlevy
The only thing I understand in House of Cards season 2 is that Freddy makes good ribs.
178d               
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53
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
So cold that a fan came up to me and asked me to sign his frozen jabroni.
282d               
27
10
e. spivey @spivey_e
Yes Insane Mother In Law, we are at LAX hanging out like we always do. thanks for calling.
305d               
35
7
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
#oscars Ever since the caveman sat by the fire, there was that one "funny" cave dweller who made them all smile. That's who we are.
554d               
35
23
billy eichner @billyeichner
Thanx 2 @outmagazine for making me #95 on their list of 100 Most Eligible Bachelors. 95, people. NINETY. FIVE. The ghost of Liberace was 92.
565d               
74
33
John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
"Since no farm animals actually changed hands, a divorce is possible."
-Papouli #whenhewasalive
569d               
3
John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
If the "Papouli Dies" episode makes you sad, remember the moments when Papouli lived. Backwards table walk divorces. #papouli
569d               
2
fooler initiative @metroadlib
Stephen A Smith just said he's the youngest of six children. Clouds parted. Light dawns. Understanding reached. All questions answered.
578d               
66
137
John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
@JohnOBrienIII Sean Valjohn!!!!
609d in reply to JohnOBrienIII               
4
CHRIS KELLY @imchriskelly
The scariest moments of high school were when my family would type the letter “g” into a search box.
612d               
166
43
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
For Xmas my boyfriend bought me a taxidermy peacock and my mom bought me a book on making terrariums. I've turned into a very weird adult.
616d               
22
1
RobbiePraw @RobbiePraw
@mulaney all Jews can.
624d in reply to mulaney               
1
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
A Christmas miracle would be finding out Dana and Chris leave for boarding school in the next season of Homeland.
624d               
12
9
Eric Hutchinson @EricHutchinson
Starting a new podcast: people telling stories they heard on "This American Life"
628d               
18
6
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
@mulaney, Happy Hanukkah, today is your day, and so are the next 7 days.
632d in reply to mulaney               
3
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
My campaign to stop gang violence. I'm selling "Cut Me Some Slack" buttons to high schools so kids can make a stand but still look cool.
641d               
60
72
Abby Elliott @elliottdotabby
I think this "Liz and dick" maybe onto nothing
645d               
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29
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
SOME SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN instagr.am/p/Sau8_YQWFH/
647d               
7
1
Pete Holmes @peteholmes
One of my earliest jokes had the punchline "pi r squared? pie r delicious." #pirdelicious
648d               
80
32
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
Grandfather on @mulaney's special:"he was dressed real nice?" My grandfather's GF:"he was confused because John didn't look like a clown."
648d               
5
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
@azizansari @mulaney GrandpasComedyThoughts.biz
648d in reply to azizansari               
1
Annamarie Tendler @amtendler
"She had a very Comme De Garçon look about her"- @mulaney describing a girl he met. He just said this to me. These were his exact words.
651d               
17
2
nick kroll @nickkroll
Honestly, who's eating biscotti?
657d               
52
95
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
Guess some people can't take my drug humor. If you don't like edgy jokes, then don't follow me. I like to push the envelope.
662d               
65
46
Nate Listrani @GameXChangure
@mulaney if you really needed that panini you wouldn't be askin questions, you'd just do it!
717d in reply to mulaney               
1
Ronald Funches @RonFunches
Realized this morning I told a room full of people I respect that I cried at the trailer for Pieces of Me and no one batted an eye.Good life
718d               
12
Rachel Specter @RachelSpecter
Just tried to plug my phone charger into a glass of water. Time for bed.
725d               
4
Anthony Jeselnik @anthonyjeselnik
Snookie now has a TV show, a book and a new baby. No matter what happens next, they'll never be able to take away her book.
737d               
1,048
3,353
Paula Pell @perlapell
I'm gonna try my dog's Thundershirt for anxiety. I'm also gonna wear her plastic Elizabethan collar to the Emmys.
746d               
23
8
Alex Baze @bazecraze
Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I'm watching a scary movie.
747d               
242
81
Mike Vick @MikeVick
Only the Survive
749d               
113
249
Tony Vegas @luisflandes
@mulaney "This isn't your grandmother's vibrator.... Is it?" -Madea goes to Amsterdam (2016)
753d in reply to mulaney               
1
Paula Pell @perlapell
You can have all the money in the world, but if you kill your wife you are going to jail for 30 to 40 months.
753d               
30
14
Tom Papa @tompapa
If you don't have anything nice to say just tweet it.
775d               
27
104
Amy Schumer @amyschumer
How about "Real Housewives of Jonestown" so the season can end a way we all agree with
780d               
126
218
Paula Pell @perlapell
Hey Hipsters, stop reading paperbacks from the 70's in public places. I'm not buying it and neither is God.
780d               
91
96
CHRIS KELLY @imchriskelly
Do dental hygienists get a 6-week maternity leave AND a 6-week reality show leave?
793d               
40
8
Paula Pell @perlapell
"Talk to the foot!". What I say when I'm arguing while laying on my bed.
801d               
22
11
Colin Jost @TheColinJost
Martha Marcy May Marlon is my favorite Wayans brother.
804d               
9
3
Dan Levy @danlevy
How long can you blame shit on mercury being in retrograde?
812d               
11
12
Angi Michelle @AngiMichChi
@mulaney because no one wins.
813d in reply to mulaney               
1
Paula Pell @perlapell
I just saw two bats fly out of a cave. It startled both me and my gynecologist.
813d               
149
121
Mike Scully @scullymike
When someone says they're 86 years YOUNG, always correct them: "You said YOUNG, but you meant OLD, 'cuz 86 isn't YOUNG, it's OLD." #manners
818d               
83
72
rob delaney @robdelaney
Terribly selfish of Andy Rooney not to leave his eyebrows to Whoopi Goldberg in his will.
818d               
112
94
Max Silvestri @maxsilvestri
Does Guy Fieri put down newspapers before he "makes" on the kitchen floor?
878d               
9
3
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
"Let's just drop it!" - Person about to bring that shit up again first chance they get
879d               
60
44
B.J. Novak @bjnovak
"And just so we know you didn't steal this credit card... What are three more numbers on the credit card?"
886d               
246
593
Alex Baze @bazecraze
Put a shirt under that sweater, Europeans.
887d               
50
28
Tom Papa @tompapa
The KKK had much scarier hoodies.
893d               
134
734
John O'Brien @JohnOBrienIII
@PGriffinBaron @mulaney scattering has been a proven means of escape for years.
946d in reply to PGriffinBaron               
1
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