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Favorite Tweets on TwitterWhile we are making some adjustments, we expect to be back online soon!

Unfortunately, after 5 years of providing you with Twitter data, we were now informed by Twitter that Twopcharts is suspended from interacting with the Twitter API for violating the Twitter Terms of Service. At this moment we do not know if and when this situation will be remedied, but for the moment we cannot provide you with data and analytics from Twitter.

We are very sorry about this situation and the inconvenience it is causing. We hope the situation can be resolved soon.

You can check up to the last 200 tweets that are favorited by any unprotected Twitter user.
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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
William_ShartnerBeneath the CN Tower2009-10-14
@Blarebare1,802 days
@SonOfCha calls his sloppy-seconds 'noogies'? @kaytaa & @ShesAllNat feed me popcorn chicken.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
8,0744,07646,79854364,848
We found 199 favorite tweets.
Matt Manic @mattmanic
#ff @LtFrankDrebbin @Zwolf666 @iscoff @VocabuLarry @Blarebare @bfrave @RowdyBowden @peachgrenade @WGTabletop @NightmareNemo @joewootlabs
17h               
11
1
SoulCoffin @SoulYodeler
You're like the Sammy Hagar of gymnastics, kid *wipes forehead* I don't know pumpkin, daddy got his Centrum Silver and hydrocodone mixed up.
1d               
69
29
Be'elzabooze @ventivodkacran
I don't bottle up emotions & unload them on my family on holidays. I let those fuckers have it daily. That way every day is like Christmas.
1d               
32
11
Lindsay @quintywinties
One time I went to college & was happy pic.twitter.com/VwfP8Ie6Ex
1d               
42
Lindsay @quintywinties
I need a break from life let me come live with u for a little
1d               
36
4
Sally Smash @SallySmash
after two candybars I would really like a third candybar
1d               
12
1
Sally Smash @SallySmash
a humble #tbt pic.twitter.com/WWVwv39NZ2
1d               
7
Sally Smash @SallySmash
iphone knows Sanskrit now y'all
1d               
2
Lindsay @quintywinties
Tried to have a conversation with someone today about ISIS and they thought I was saying "Ices" please send help
1d               
42
5
Lara Frumperstall @underalls
Watch this couple's amazing transformation

[Photo of couple gaining 5-10 lbs. every year, looking a bit depressed]
1d               
16
2
Sally Smash @SallySmash
It's not that I hate my body I just hate not being able to find clothing to cover it since all y'all are so prude and aren't down with nude
1d               
3
Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn
Yesterday I was offered a piece of cheese but I politely refused, then later I went to bed and thought "I really should've had that cheese."
1d               
20
2
Veronica @MyPolishFace
There's a librarian job opening at a state penitentiary and if orange is the new black taught me anything it's that prisoners love books.
1d               
11
1
antisocialsocialist @gobmentcheese
I'm sorry I opened a bag of Sun Chips during your entire speech.
1d               
33
10
Eldge Eh @Sickayduh
So REM has filed a restraining order on me and I'm not allowed to quote them anymOH NO I'VE SAID TOO MUCH
1d               
246
127
Steven Hall @HallpassCanada
Bahahahahaha @Blarebare
1d in reply to Blarebare               
3
Lindsay @quintywinties
When a dude starts mansplaining pic.twitter.com/Qr9wbRcZ3q
2d               
32
5
Blind Chow @BlindChow
"Sir, that basket's for outgoing mail only."
This mail is outgoing.
"No, it's introverted & shy."
*mail just pretends to look at his phone*
2d               
354
175
Lindsay @quintywinties
Every Kiss Begins With sexual tension that has built up for literally months or years, however long you've been sexting really
2d               
62
10
Lindsay @quintywinties
Oh My God Becky Look At That Wup
CUTIE pic.twitter.com/DVmOVj3oEC
2d               
36
Blind Chow @BlindChow
"It's five o'clock somewhere," I shrug, feeding my mogwai after midnight.
2d               
110
38
Il Duce @3dtonyd
@Blarebare the band?
2d in reply to Blarebare               
1
Bodhi @_bodhi_23
Obviously SQL Server is always right. Obviously.
2d               
2
Soph Benoit @1followernodad
I broke up with someone once partially cause he thought it would be ok to spank kids when he had them.
2d               
14
Vodka n Tots @Vodkantots
Me: You might as well just push me off the wagon.
Kids: Huh?
Me: I SAID, "LET'S GO WATCH ALADDIN!"

*pours
2d               
115
54
Soph Benoit @1followernodad
I genuinely didn't know Jessica Biel was still alive until last nights episode of New Girl.
2d               
16
Soph Benoit @1followernodad
Do you think I can convince someone at Starbucks to give up their table cause I'm too sweaty to sit at the communal table??
2d               
5
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists confirm that "grapefruit" is a stupid name. "It's a dumb name, we could've done much better," said Prof. Noah Lott
2d               
202
109
Katie @StayGoldenGurl
Anytime I go to a professional sporting event, I get drunk.

Blackout drunk.

& this is why I can't have nice things.
2d               
5
Boston Girl @bahstangirl
You're the only one.

...and other lies.
2d               
267
148
JuicyJoce @thisisjuicyjoce
@Blarebare @bahstangirl or is it????
2d in reply to Blarebare               
2
Karlyyy @WhiskeyMeBaby
I just want to snuggle*

*Ride your fucking face
2d               
80
26
Christofurrr @kuusela34
turnt up 4 smut
2d               
17
8
Jordan @jordan_stratton
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
2d               
304
189
Oh Susanna @Just_Oh_Susanna
My parents found out I get trained by two guys at the gym and now there's a Facebook prayer group for me.
2d               
50
9
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
you know those times when you're so overcome with happiness, you cry? me neither.
3d               
17
2
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
hooray for melatonin pic.twitter.com/n998z6LFFt
3d               
19
Joel Jeffrey @joeljeffrey
A family paid $200 so their goldfish could get brain surgery. I bet the vet who operated on him just flushed him and bought them a new one.
3d               
52
15
Karlyyy @WhiskeyMeBaby
Relationship status: My vibrator just told me he loves me.
3d               
33
14
Karlyyy @WhiskeyMeBaby
It didn't get bad until I enlarged your avi.
3d               
25
9
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
he said he wanted to hit it from behind so we could both watch Sons of Anarchy and now I'm planning our wedding.
3d               
28
5
Karlyyy @WhiskeyMeBaby
You give me butterflies, and I'll give you blowjobs.
3d               
59
28
subliminal. @endless_decay
Starting a baby blanket for a friend. They want grey, black and olive drab. This will be interesting. And dull.
3d               
2
Sally Smash @SallySmash
wrote a (horribly) solid bit about honesty and marriage so I should definitely go humiliate myself why not
3d               
5
Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt
Everything with a tail looks like half a nunchuck to me.
3d               
111
49
Sally Smash @SallySmash
going to a show in the city Friday. thinking about going to an open mic for the first time in forever
3d               
2
subliminal. @endless_decay
I'll bet she feels silly for her "it looks like second place" comment.
3d               
2
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
*drags peanut butter cookie through peanut butter*

*cries*
3d               
35
9
★space fantasy bmo★ @cutebmo
the "i let my kids call me by my first name" haircut pic.twitter.com/mvlNKBvdfg
3d               
39
18
Sally Smash @SallySmash
ever had one of the moments where you think you're truly destined to be famous? mine was when my first marriage ended after only nine weeks
3d               
8
YES THIS IS HORSE @dongtown
(BONG NOISES)
3d               
3
1
Bacon o'Clitfinger @clitfinger
@Blarebare Chin nuts.
3d in reply to Blarebare               
1
jeremy @earthfalcon33
DEAL BREAKER: i go in for a kiss and a bunch of bees fly out of her mouth
3d               
76
17
CuntSmith @csmith5050
I'll wager that this portly fella who's hula-hooping shirtless in his yard is pure catnip after a few bags of wine.
3d               
77
35
Sally Smash @SallySmash
yeah that's right. I slept on girls this season just like I slept on your girl last Friday SNAP or something to that effect
3d               
5
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
maybe fix yourself instead of jumping from relationship to relationship hoping that someone else will do it for you.
3d               
31
8
Somer Canon @SomerM
Long walks on the beach sound terrible. I want to plop my butt in the sand and sit on the beach. Don't make me exercise on a date!
3d               
28
13
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
just yelled at some hipster teen douche to pull up his pants as I drove past him and now I feel old as fuck.
3d               
16
1
Woody @WoodyLuvsCoffee
A byproduct of cell use is less bathroom graffiti. Today's young people barely know how to draw a penis or who to call for a good time.
Sad.
3d               
91
56
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
@Blarebare touché
3d in reply to Blarebare               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
@Blarebare siiigh. My life is a joke.
3d in reply to Blarebare               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
@Blarebare if you are going to cyber stalk me i would appreciate you only paying attention to my funny tweets and ignore my feelings tweets
3d in reply to Blarebare               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
when guys say "she's bad at sex, she just lays there" um, sorry to tell you but if she just lays there its bc u arent doing anything for her
3d               
1
Nina Beretta @NowYouSeeHer
Carnage makes my clit hard
3d               
18
4
Patrick McLellan @pmclellan
Great, Bono turned on notifications for when I don't recycle
3d               
23
7
Alisha @lishybee
Best part of being home sick is watching the Blacklist all day on #Netflix
3d               
2
jeremy @earthfalcon33
speak softly and throw a toilet at a chicken
3d               
18
4
AmishPornStar @AmishPornStar1
@Blarebare No way will they give such an important job to a man!
3d in reply to Blarebare               
2
Patrick McLellan @pmclellan
@Blarebare lame
3d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
Spazzarina Reefer @smallzBballz
Tweet your feelings & an inspirational account will follow you today!
3d               
14
1
Abhorrent Housewife @abhorrent_wife
I've had a pot of coffee and two Red Bulls and I'm seriously thinking of renting myself out as a vibrator on Craiglist.
3d               
167
76
Nikki® @nikkifaceful
I want to start a charity to teach the homeless to juggle, so my late night walks home can be magical as well as scary.
3d               
44
30
Abhorrent Housewife @abhorrent_wife
A huge bug flew at me and landed on my tit.

I'm totally counting that as getting the sex.
3d               
91
25
bubble girl @JessObsess
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" I shout as I throw Pop Tarts at my kids on the car ride to school.
3d               
92
39
akaLillivon @phalaenadispar
A guy licked my pits once. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but he was wearing "his ex's" stretchy lace top so I let him do whatever.
3d               
10
1
Spazzarina Reefer @smallzBballz
KEEP YOUR GENITALS CLEAN!

*my pubic service announcement for the day
3d               
27
10
solarflare @_solarflare
No bitch, you can't have my motherfucking cornbread!
3d               
7
Steven Hall @HallpassCanada
"Do I love who I am when I'm around you?" Is the only advice you will ever need.
3d               
70
39
Spazzarina Reefer @smallzBballz
Hey single people,
DON'T GET MARRIED!

*my public service announcement for the day
3d               
14
4
Viktor Winetrout, Jr @Cpin42
[takes off glasses] Correct me if I’m wrong, your honor,
but isn’t a kangaroo just a pregnant dog with one leg?
3d               
28
5
Dan O'Brien @OtherDanOBrien
*Travels in time & kills own grandpa*

"I'm still here! Paradox my ass."

*thinks about it*

"Maybe I shoulda gone backwards in time."
3d               
136
48
Rock @TheMichaelRock
The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.
3d               
698
521
Regina Phalange @ASueNamedBoy
Thanks to that documentary about The Roosevelts on PBS, I’ve had some really erotic dreams about Teddy. Rough Rider indeed.
3d               
3
Sigourney Beaver @OreoSpeedwagon_
New bed sheets, tea & the perfect music to help me escape into someone else's world. I may be a wild homebody but I'm really okay with that.
3d               
24
6
Salamingia @salamingia
According to Season 1 of Lost, the people from the 1st Malaysian Airlines flight should have found the hatch by now.
3d               
147
81
Sigourney Beaver @OreoSpeedwagon_
Gillian Anderson as Morticia Addams. I require bilateral wrist splints and some alone time. pic.twitter.com/fszzm2tHhj
3d               
45
24
GINGERATLAW @GingerAtLaw
Any morning I don't see a woman without pants is a bad morning
3d               
25
3
Sigourney Beaver @OreoSpeedwagon_
The funniest people on here are ones who @ you to tell you what you said is 'tmi' or that they're unfollowing/blocking. Just exit quietly.
3d               
35
4
Satanic Mechanic @MYLITTLEDOOMY
I push my fingers into my eyes.
3d               
1
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
Let's make this the most sensual national play-doh day ever.
3d               
20
3
Cat Friendship Club @iLikeCatShirts
I don't always drink beer, but when I do I steal it from your fridge.
3d               
23
9
Jay @theshamingofjay
I took a selfie with white sunglasses on and Siri told me that she quit.
3d               
134
64
holly bennett @hollyTX_baby
That sad moment when you lose a chip in the dip so you send in a recon chip in and that breaks too.
4d               
24
17
Lisa @BiscuitAhoy
Fancy the day off? Try these excuses:
• My car won't open.
• There's a scary clown outside my house.
• I've accidentally turned into a crow.
4d               
40
27
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
There are so many ways to physically show someone that you care about them. But this is reality and people don't do things like that.
4d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
There is an infinite list of things you can do for a girl that cost very little to no money and still make her extremely happy.
4d               
1
Soph Benoit @1followernodad
This is how I ACTUALLY look in real life cause I'm sucking in so hard I almost pass out p much 24/7. Even sleeping. pic.twitter.com/aP6K854HM5
4d               
27
GINGERATLAW @GingerAtLaw
73 percent of my day is air-humping
4d               
24
3
Peaches @peachey_keen
I'm so used to my underwear being halfway up my ass crack that my butt feels neglected when it's not.
4d               
6
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
Home alone again tomorrow night. Not that anyone cares.
4d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
If you're a girl in high school and a boy rejects you, don't feel sad because he will more than likely hit you up in like three years.
4d               
2
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
I swear theres a ghost that follows me and takes huge ghost shits cuz i smell shit everywhere i go and i am so pissed about it.
4d               
1
Pat Thornton @patthornton
I'm embarrassed by what I'll save as a draft these days.
4d               
9
1
Jennifer Parsons @HeSlimedMeRay
The horrified look on my face finally convinced my husband to change the channel. I would honestly rather watch porn than Cirque du Soleil.
4d               
3
GINGERATLAW @GingerAtLaw
Whenever no one is starring my tweets, I tell myself the zombie apocalypse has started to stop the tears
4d               
68
25
Regina Phalange @ASueNamedBoy
I didn’t recognize you without your lips puckered up like some brainless twat.
4d               
1
Ephie @goodballs
My daughter asked me to explain boys to her so I showed her a hot dog exploding in the microwave.
4d               
182
61
Katie @StayGoldenGurl
Don't do something for the attention. Do it bc you want to.

Hahahaha who the fuck am I kidding? ?

Do it for the attention. 👌
4d               
3
Meredith Yayanos @Theremina
“Today in Geek History: Hackers released in theaters in 1995. Happy Zero Cool Day! pic.twitter.com/PyCGXENQcg O HAI WE'RE OLD HACK DA PLANET
4d               
30
35
DaBear @astutenewf
*Rents bouncy castle*

*sets up bar inside*

*shines bat signal in the sky*

*waits for all the pussy to arrive*
4d               
62
22
Brother Ben @TheTalkingPipe
"I don't care what you assholes say. This hat looks fucking amazing on me and I'm never taking it off."

- Abraham Lincoln
4d               
391
237
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Kanye: I wanna bring out Jay-Z, the best president of--

Biden: [grabs mic] IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT OBAMA WAS THE BEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME
4d               
91
43
Dreeds @DreedlesMcGee
Another mom was talking trash about my high school today. She wins because then I had that Beach Boys song stuck in my head all day long.
4d               
3
Fluffernutter @LilRedRidngWood
I accidentally took a double dose of my ADD medication today and I just stared two holes into the wall.
4d               
22
8
Anonymous TANKS @Burger_Time_
for just one ride to the grocery store u can see me eat this whole comb
4d               
10
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
@Blarebare oh, great. He just favourited all my girly emo tweets. Embarrassing.
4d in reply to madydaleo               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
Actually shocked that @Blarebare still follows me after all the bitching i do on here.
4d               
1
1
Susan @mrsxandercage
Hello, you've reached Air Canada. Press 1 for booking a flight to see your TC. Press 2 for your TC rewards plan.
4d               
40
16
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Forget Surge, BRING BACK CRYSTAL PEPSI, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!
4d               
93
29
Dumpster Muffin® @DebraMuffin
I stay happy by approaching each day with no other expectation than to be disappointed in a brand new way.
4d               
27
10
Matt Manic @mattmanic
I'm not mad at Apple about the iTunes U2 bullshit but disappointed in Samsung 4 not making a "Does anyone under 50 listen to U2?" commercial
4d               
7
3
Zesty Mordant @xeyednpainless
For the best deli meat you can buy, try Gypsy Curse brand Deli Meats. We slice our meats… THINNER!
4d               
2
1
A-tron @Abusitron
*stands outside parking garage holding a sign that says "bring back the piss smell"*
4d               
95
25
jeremy @earthfalcon33
@Blarebare thank you kindly, sir
4d in reply to Blarebare               
1
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
*wife catches me eating a tin can*

"Have you been hanging around that goat again?"

No..*avoids eye contact with goat hiding in closet*
4d               
16
2
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
Learn Duck: "quack quack" = pumpernickel.
4d               
8
Matt Fernandez @FattMernandez
Ray Rice hit his fiancee.
Eh...
Adrian Peterson beat his kid.
Eh...
LeSean Mccoy is a bad tipper.
*Drops coffee mug in slow motion*
4d               
180
65
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
Stop, people. You call this a puppet show? *rips puppets away from performers* I'll show you how it's done *flees room w/cool new puppets*
4d               
11
3
Mike_Rack @imadepoopstoday
Confuse people by making a sign that says, "Free grain-fed kittens!"
4d               
9
1
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
find me an octopus to love
4d               
15
5
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
*White guy voice*
I prefer small butts.
4d               
100
30
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30
The Big Mac song was actually penned by Thomas Edison on his deathbed.
4d               
5
2
Matt Manic @mattmanic
Disgusted with politics and am now voting for whoever has the cutest pets.
4d               
9
1
Matt Manic @mattmanic
If you ask them directly, they have to tell you they're empty calories or it's entrapment.
4d               
4
DaddyJew @DaddyJew
Ooh that's my jam!

Sir, that's just an ice cream truck
4d               
404
268
Matt Fernandez @FattMernandez
I always feel a little racist when my uber driver is black, and I sit in the back seat dressed as an old white woman.
4d               
47
10
Bruh @brushyourteeth5
What can I say, JD Salinger used to get me high
4d               
1
robin1473 @robin1473
I, for one, welcome our U2 overlords.
4d               
14
6
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
But what everyone forgets to tell you is that you can bathe with as many hair dryers as you want, as long as they're not plugged in.
4d               
41
14
CUNTWHORE @redheadtart
Let's all talk about my vagina today on the machine.
4d               
4
Viktor Winetrout, Jr @Cpin42
THE PHONE SEX LADY SAID MY BALLS ARE DELICIOUS
4d               
47
11
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Brokaw: Are you improvising?

Obama: Well, Tom--

Biden:[grabs mic] GONNA TRACK ISIS LIKE OSAMA'S LAIR
THIS RHYMES SO SICK IT'S ON OBAMACARE
4d               
228
141
Viktor Winetrout, Jr @Cpin42
Back in my day, we had to push a rock up a hill for all of eternity.
-Sisyphus
4d               
53
20
SimpsonsQOTD @SimpsonsQOTD
"Don't kid yourself Jimmy, if a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you cared about!" pic.twitter.com/msOcc76Ghi
4d               
1,681
2,119
Matt Fernandez @FattMernandez
I like mechanical pencils because like us, one day they're going to run out of lead and be useless husks of their former selves.
4d               
35
12
Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch
Adversity is a gift.
It just happens to be a shitty
one that's always final sale.
4d               
21
1
Mike_Rack @imadepoopstoday
I learned from Beauty and the Beast that even if you're ugly, you can still have a girlfriend/hostage.
4d               
21
4
tonejonzz @tonejonzz
My mom beat me and my brother with a broom once but we were in our 20s.
4d               
6
1
Cat From Nowhe®e @kv8
There is never a free chair in this house, but I taught the Cats to share and I must say the warm purring does wonders for my lower back.
4d               
16
3
SimpsonsQOTD @SimpsonsQOTD
"Fossils schmossils, you can't stop progress 'cause of some mouldy old bones." pic.twitter.com/KOJHr9rzJ3
4d               
239
111
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
I'm so hungry I could eat an entire cow, smothered with cheese.
4d               
13
Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite
I know less about The Edge today than when he would just stand there mutely in 1979.
4d               
12
3
Curt. @FrankCurtisB
There's no such thing as a "good working relationship", you fucking asshole.
4d               
18
9
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
2 cyclists rode past my house and i heard one of them say "people who are stuck in the 60's live in Guatay"
4d               
1
GINGERATLAW @GingerAtLaw
LIFE HACK: FUCK THE POLICE, LITERALLY. THEY CANT WRITE TICKETS IN THE THROES OF PLEASURE
4d               
25
4
Just Bill @WilliamAder
Thought I was using a good antivirus program, but that U2 album still showed up in my iTunes.
4d               
163
49
Mike_Rack @imadepoopstoday
Hookers are like toilet paper, the cheaper they are, the more you'll have to wash your fingers afterwards.
4d               
11
6
Noodles @Dawn_M_
Please don’t point out that my boyfriend is a pillow wearing a hoodie.

1. It’s rude 2. He doesn’t know.
4d               
466
225
C @rxmascara
Farts are so loud when it's quiet.
4d               
8
1
mynameisJimmy @jimmy_sharpe
If you hold down the delete button long enough it deletes your computer and your desk. Try it.
4d               
129
47
Sir Jauntyhat @ParentEsq
Sorry I struck your fancy. An ice pack should help with the swelling.
4d               
44
14
SimpsonsQOTD @SimpsonsQOTD
"Wow! Did you actually get to *see* the rod?!" pic.twitter.com/Wvg9n2EvZ9
4d               
1,041
712
C @rxmascara
I have nothing to whine about, except being for being fat - but that's becoming a trend now, so life is apparently amazing.
4d               
4
2
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
I dont want to see john krasinskys stupid face ever again
4d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
My heart skips a beat every time i hear someone drive up and every time my phone goes off but im always dissapointed :(
4d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
Uugghh working overnights got my sleep schedual all fucked up
4d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
I guess theres not really a reason for me to be out here in the middle of nowhere anymore.
5d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
Do you ever just stare at the moon and wonder if somebody somewhere is looking at that same moon and also thinking about cheese?
5d               
2
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
You can't sing on key to My Chemical Romance unless you are also crying.
5d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
I sang MCR songs the whole drive home and now i taste blood. Is that normal?
5d               
1
w3!rd cr3ature @madydaleo
Pretty sure i could never mean that much to anyone.
5d               
1
Pat Thornton @patthornton
If you unfollow me I hope at least you're following your heart.
5d               
13
7
CUNTWHORE @redheadtart
Name calling before bed time makes me horny as fuck.
5d               
7
Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch
you are the song I subconsciously hum
5d               
68
21
CUNTWHORE @redheadtart
OHHHH FILM ME!!!!
Oops.
5d               
4
CUNTWHORE @redheadtart
What does he mean when he says he wants to fill me and not feel me, Pastor?
5d               
4
inappropriate mom @nicfit75
Anyone have a good Size 4 Diaper Soup recipe? pic.twitter.com/DuIaTRymsR
5d               
51
23
Mark Forward @Mark_Forward
Congrats to the amazing comedic talent across this country. The community is amazing, & one day we will have awards that truly reflect that
5d               
20
6
Dreeds @DreedlesMcGee
I love watching someone fiercely defend their mistaken understanding of a grammar rule in a twitter argument.
5d               
5
Stacy @StacyA600
"My TC has a new TC, because he starbanged her and she retweeted his selfies......GRANDMA PUT YOUR HEARING AIDS BACK IN AND LISTEN TO ME!"
5d               
33
14
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
current status: sleep-deprived and cunty enough to get into a heated bidding war on eBay over an REO Speedwagon shirt.
5d               
31
5
bubble girl @JessObsess
I like sex the same way I like drinking beer. Sometimes I like it in the can.
5d               
118
55
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
My buddy, Scott Baio, and I were just talking about how we hate it when people drop big celebrity names like they're friends with them.
5d               
275
131
Dorito Mojito @KalvinMacleod
Having a conversation with me is like when you spend weeks planning a pool party and then realize you don’t have a pool.
5d               
61
34
Notorious P.U.G. @LuvPug
I'm starting a support group at my house for people with OCD. I don't have it but hopefully one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
5d               
436
247
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
I just found out Kelly from 90210 almost played Kelly on Saved By The Bell. I probably should have told you to sit down first.
5d               
53
13
Salamingia @salamingia
No thanks, I'll take the unlimited data but with no minutes.
5d               
374
210
Nikki® @nikkifaceful
Call me crazy, but I think a shadowy cabal of shapeshifting reptiles control the world through mind control signals sent through toasters.
5d               
32
11
Josh @iwearaonesie
*eating*
*dog stares at me*
wife: she only does that because she knows eventually you'll say fuck it and she'll get some
me:*stares at wife*
5d               
354
209
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
My summer was good. I stayed home every day & watched Jaws.
5d               
29
5
Paige @PeachCoffin
If the title has the words "DIY" and "lifehack" in it then I will read the shit out of that fuck
5d               
104
9
monkey @ninatreemonkey
WHATS IN THE BOOOOX? poop?
5d               
21
9
Pat Thornton @patthornton
Went into a corn maze today and made it out alive. You didn't take me out today, corn. I won the battle but the war rages on.
5d               
10
1
Sperm Sponge @RadioSweetie
Hi there 😘 pic.twitter.com/ET3u2E0fDT
5d               
92
1
ßaconƵømbie® @JohnnyNopolis
Disinfectant wipes, but for your filthy soul.
5d               
36
22
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
I like my Oreos like I like your mom in a threesome

Double-stuffed
5d               
150
71
Dreeds @DreedlesMcGee
Trying to talk my 7yo into being Rainbow Brite because all of her Halloween costume ideas are lame.
5d               
6
1
monkey @ninatreemonkey
If this light never changes tell my wife and kids they were subpar
5d               
24
8
DaBear @astutenewf
Her: Vanilla shakes are my favorite.

Me: My semen tastes just like that.

H:

M:

H:

M: I don't know why I know that.
5d               
117
49
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