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William_ShartnerBeneath the CN Tower2009-10-14
@Blarebare1,646 days
@SonOfCha calls his sloppy-seconds 'noogies'? @kaytaa & @ShesAllNat feed me popcorn chicken.
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8,1154,02444,49556963,020
We found 194 favorite tweets.
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
You should pay me to read your awful tweets “@Blarebare: Honey, I Shrunk Our Savings Account”
1d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
Toots MaGoots @MrsJekyllsHyde
"I pee when I laugh hard soo I may have to leave to change my pants."-on a date that WAS going really well
1d               
9
1
angieMcSugarButt @LuvPug
I hate when I'm laying naked on the bed and a plane lands in my vagina.
1d               
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85
Amanda Mancino @Manda_like_wine
If you live near a river it is law that you have to say "look how high the river is" at least 3 times annually or you will be arrested.
1d               
51
5
Friedrice Nietzsche @TinyNietzsche
"I'm doing forest tweets right now, but what I really want to do is ocean tweets."
1d               
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16
Nathan Buckley @duplicitron
If you like me or anything I've ever done here, do me a favor and watch this sketch I made. funnyordie.com/videos/e63aec1…
1d               
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37
Matt Manic @mattmanic
Have you tried covering it with melted cheese?
1d               
26
10
Matt Manic @mattmanic
Need motivation to lose weight?

When the robots take over, they're gonna need to render our fat down for lubricant, so there's that.
1d               
6
Matt Manic @mattmanic
After chest bumping, sigh and say "It hurts that that was the closest our hearts can get."
1d               
10
4
Hot Bearded Fuck @SluttyLumbrjack
I'm not saying that your lightly freckled cleavage would solve all my problems, I'm just saying it's worth a try.
1d               
23
8
Hot Bearded Fuck @SluttyLumbrjack
Has Plane Jane signed a book deal yet?
2d               
9
2
emma @dilemma617
Is this skirt short enough to show off my daddy issues?
2d               
179
63
Lara Frumperstall @underalls
This watermelon is refleshing!

*takes a bite*

*grows a second set of flesh*
2d               
2
Barney McGrew @D2_Barney_McG
You: on call, but for me
2d               
102
61
Gurtbeef Robe @ibeasmart1
@Ilovelamp1979 the Robfather
2d in reply to Ilovelamp1979               
3
Here's your sign @BooFricketyHoo
My dog doesn't seem very open to the idea of learning how to make spreadsheets for me. Even for a snausage.
2d               
58
17
Pookleblinky @pookleblinky
I went out in search of a chocolate jesus. I didn't find one, instead I found chocolate covered espresso beans. Good enough
2d               
5
2
nadiezraD nierhS @DarzieDAMN
If you blow a kiss at me, I'm allowed to place that kiss wherever I want

Thems the rules
2d               
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21
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare I can't say that it will be the last time
2d in reply to Blarebare               
1
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare LOG OFF YOU SONOFABITCH
2d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
Dolores @Losephine
HOTDOG VENDOR. I'll give you and your friend a free soda. DOLORES. What an offer! Let's take him up on it before he starts to think again!
2d               
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Dolores @Losephine
Dolores on the outside, Alf on the inside.
2d               
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3
Dolores @Losephine
You refer to yourself as a princess. Why not just wear a sign that says "I don't want a husband"?
2d               
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1
Dolores @Losephine
TURTLE. You are horrid when you want to be. Why must you sound so heartless? DOLORES. Bravo! Well said!
2d               
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1
Dolores @Losephine
People don't choose to be gay. And if you think it displeases God, then that is between God and them. Are you w/out sin, bc I know I'm not.
2d               
10
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
my boss fired me for filing my reports too sensually :(
2d               
11
1
Lara Frumperstall @underalls
"Carrion items may have shifted during the flight."

-Vulture Captain, upon landing
2d               
3
Dolores @Losephine
Dolores is not anxious for her turtle's company.
2d               
8
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
It's like my old man used to say, "daddy needs to fuck!"
2d               
8
3
panda @ispypanda
I'm about 40% dead today.
2d               
58
19
Carl @brushyourteeth5
I'll like only and all your hedgehog pics on insta ion't even curr
3d               
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1
Carl @brushyourteeth5
help how do you actually write a paper
3d               
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Yngwie Momjeans @afbradstone
SOCIAL MEDIA TIP: use code to avoid TV spoilers, e.g., "Wow, I can't believe they just killed off Joffrey on Game of Owns-thray."
3d               
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1
Thomas @TBH42
It's outrageous that Jem is in the rock and roll hall of fame but the Holograms aren't. Truly truly truly outrageous.
3d               
7
1
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
@Blarebare YES I'LL BLOW YOU. <3
3d in reply to Blarebare               
1
Thomas @TBH42
If you ask the pope if he's a pope he has to tell you.
3d               
14
1
Miss Moneypenny @_Ms_Moneypenny_
I just got excited because I got a text. Until I realized that it wasn't from you. :(
Fuck you JoAnn and all your stupid fucking fabrics.
3d               
71
18
Lara Frumperstall @underalls
Last week at the office, I "Leaned In" so hard that I accidentally headbutted the CFO. The investors were not happy.
3d               
3
Brian @Black__Elvis
I prefer boxers. They're not comfortable in bed but they usually last long, plus nobody picks fights with boxers, I feel so safe with Jeff.
3d               
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98
Rawr @FknVancouver
You're so pretty
4d               
5
Jerry Boyarsky @Ursamajor12
when i stop as the light barely turns red i always look around in hopes that a handsome cop in sunglasses saw me and is nodding approvingly.
4d               
9
3
Anne Franksandbeans @finkelsteino
I made my Mr. Potato Head too handsome and now my mom is dating him.
4d               
46
13
Suzy Q. @SusanandTrixie
Is Mazzoh-rella cheese kosher for Passover?
4d               
5
Ashley Zaldivar @Ashleyzal
I'm not a doctor but I did play one from ages four to six.
5d               
17
6
Dolores @Losephine
Watch teens teach seniors to use the internet and then grunt to yourself.
5d               
10
Dolores @Losephine
"50 is the new 30" and I'm a 200lb black prostitute.
5d               
20
4
Dolores @Losephine
Turns out Oscar Pistorius had legs all along. Like those people who pretend to have cancer.
5d               
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2
Thomas @TBH42
Sorry I threw up watching you try to parallel park.
5d               
26
3
neptunian @kamiekaymee
How much blood splatter is considered too erotic for casual Fridays?
5d               
130
31
Rawr @FknVancouver
Had half an apple for breakfast. Does knowing that make your life complete?
5d               
6
1
Matt Manic @mattmanic
#ff
@Blarebare @Cheeseboy22 @Zwolf666 @iscoff @RandiLawson @bfrave @RowdyBowden @LtFrankDrebbin @TravLeBlanc @SonOfCha @paulbunyansdick
5d               
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Rawr @FknVancouver
Are any of the Toys R Us kids still alive?
5d               
8
3
Thomas @TBH42
It was the worst Bob Hoskins infestation I've ever seen. In the sofa cushions, in the vents. The house was crawling with Hoskinses.
5d               
11
2
Thomas @TBH42
Sometimes when we make love I'm thinking about King's Quest.
5d               
4
neptunian @kamiekaymee
Ugh. My cat is such a Scorpio.
6d               
152
34
Carl @brushyourteeth5
Day two of crutches: over it
6d               
1
Wake @Wakenbake77
Hi, I like the way you pour your cereal.
6d               
284
153
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare I've heard
6d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare I play sensual rock, sensual paper, sensual scissors
6d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I like to say things like, "I hope we're not going to be late for the gang bang!"
6d               
513
235
Яσϰʏ @RoxyPersia
Roses are red, so is ketchup have a corndog.
6d               
22
11
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
@Blarebare thank you!!
6d in reply to Blarebare               
1
Randi Lawson @RandiLawson
Congratulations people who can walk by a darkly lit window & not peak at your reflection. Good for u
6d               
147
21
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
Nurse: What are you here for today?
Me: STD screen. How bout you? What are you doing here today?
Nurse: ...
Me: ...
Nurse: ...
Me: *winks*
6d               
11
2
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
the highs wear off and the lows linger
6d               
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6
Hurricane @MissHurricanez
Never fake an orgasm, he should know his dick game is weak as hell and feel bad for it
6d               
22
3
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
twisting in the wind is my preferred form of exercise
6d               
13
2
Spazzarina Reefer @smallzBballz
America- where hideous men feel entitled to a beautiful women, scorning us who don't look like models
6d               
21
5
Hurricane @MissHurricanez
Good morning everyone that’s not dead to me
6d               
9
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
I can feel your soul engulf me from a million miles away.
7d               
17
5
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
whispering into the darkness, hoping nobody answers.
7d               
18
3
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
I'm only interested in things that don't make sense.
7d               
30
6
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
Flowers are nice. Flowers with a cupcake or 3 are better.
7d               
33
4
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
your love was the source of my hate.
7d               
9
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
He died doing what he loved "I'm not dead" you will be shhh He died doing what he loved not giving his gf an amazing birthday present.
7d               
93
26
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
Dr: You don't need to masturbate for an STD test.

Me: Quiet, please.
7d               
67
26
Blackberry Tangles @Harbingerr
My dick is too big to pull off a dress convincingly.
7d               
19
5
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
The 7 Day Forecast was a bunch of normal suns and then 1 sun with sunglasses, this is terrifying, what the fuck is happening on Saturday?
7d               
984
478
Betty Von Black @msbettyblack
Will you hold my hand as we watch the world burn? Hold me near as the fires dance to our delight?
7d               
10
1
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
Sorry I didn't call you back for a week. I painted my nails and didn't want to talk to you.
7d               
52
20
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
My boyfriend thinks he'll marry me one day. Haha. What a loser.
7d               
40
7
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
I became consciously aware of your leg resting directly against mine, like a comfortable weight.
7d               
8
2
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
I say I work out an extra 10 minutes to keep my tush in place in my older age but it's so I can eat at least 1 cupcake a day.
7d               
31
4
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
And thanks to those of you who stuck around despite me being an unfunny asshole. <3
7d               
40
4
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
So I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry to anyone I've been mean to or upset. For making any of you read stupid petty bullshit.
7d               
31
3
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
subsisting on coffee and contempt.
7d               
12
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
I've lost a couple friends I did make here because of how I was behaving. Who can blame them? I was being an asshole for no reason.
7d               
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1
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
I'm talking about any participation in @/ing people mean things. I've had a very "fuck everyone and everything" attitude which isn't me.
7d               
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1
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
I'm all for following a variety of accounts with different styles of humor, but making people feel bad isn't something I enjoy.
7d               
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3
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
I've hated this account and what I was doing on twitter for majority of the past 8 months.
7d               
20
1
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
Making people who have done nothing wrong feel like shit was never something I wanted to do here. I brought my real life anger on twitter.
7d               
27
2
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
Sure, I have a bluetooth. *pulls back lip to show infected molar that smells like Cheeze Whiz*
7d               
48
Linda @googirlsmiles
@Blarebare Thank you!
They are the best kind & better yet a bear hug that lifts your feet right off the floor , I smile, cause I know ..
7d in reply to Blarebare               
1
thomas violence @thomas_violence
if u see a bear your best bet is to loudly talk about how much you love being mauled. bears super reluctant to indulge others needs
7d               
68
21
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
I want to learn how to do everything with my feet even though I have hands. Ok not everything, but washing and peeling vegetables for sure.
7d               
19
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
The Neighborhood Watch is breathing down my snorkel about my 2 a.m. intruder prevention system (screaming while blowing my bear horn).
7d               
21
1
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
bubblegum scrotum
7d               
21
6
Mike Primavera @primawesome
What if Jesus came back as was like nah I'm just gonna do carpenter shit
7d               
219
90
ilovelamp1979 @goodballs
@FavstarHelp I opted out of favstar but would like to opt back in
7d in reply to FavstarHelp               
2
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
THE KAREN (TOZZI) IMPOSTER HAS BEEN REMOVED! Good job, everybody.
7d               
34
Amy Spiker @ASpiker
Did you see that One Thing on the internet that was funny? No? Here let describe it for you poorly in excruciating detail. -Psychopaths
7d               
51
16
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
What came first, the allergies or being a nerd?
7d               
21
6
Jason Miller @longwall26
My Personal Savior just spends all day hitting Pop-Tarts out of my hands.
7d               
65
7
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
Damn, girl. I'd be on that shit like seagulls on a Walmart parking lot. You open 24 hours? Holla.
7d               
30
9
Steven Hall @HallpassCanada
How about we pretend you already told me all of the shit you know how to do & skip ahead to the part where you actually do them.
7d               
115
56
Maccybabes @mcguinness20
@Blarebare I have 15 capes and none of them fit.
7d in reply to Blarebare               
1
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
oh I just love it when dudes are bigger drama queens than teenage girls. it makes me so fucking moist.
7d               
20
3
Naazihah @naazihah
Of course I talk to animals - that's what princesses do. Not birds, though. Fuck birds.
7d               
36
4
SuperDuperKat @Super_Mkat
Same :-/ RT @Blarebare: I really believed as a child that I would have more capes in my wardrobe at this point in my life.
7d               
1
Cruz! @nPhelendriqal
Baked Doritos? What's next, women allowed in the workplace? Lol I mean come on when does the madness stop
7d               
95
36
Shkeeber @shkeeber
My "sexy" face and my "do I smell nachos" face are identical.
7d               
337
226
Linda @googirlsmiles
@Blarebare < ----- #WonderfulWednesday With This Guy
7d in reply to Blarebare               
1
Lindsey Beer @hstweetheart
I'LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

...

"...Ma'am, this is a preschool..."
7d               
114
54
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
It's not looking good for you.
7d               
6
1
Rainbow Brite @Cool_Jesse
Wow. You're like a human Fleshlight.
7d               
20
8
JAY [ham] KAY @NurseMurderer
for all my younger followers: I woke up 35 and so far it's all about laundry & raisin bran. get pumped.
7d               
68
21
Kickland @ryankickland
I bet the Ultimate Warrior's funeral is gonna be pretty weird.
7d               
8
2
They Call Me Rotten @Jonnietherotten
When you wake up beside Lindsay Lohan and realize her vagina is chewing on your arm.
7d               
11
5
Heather Cole @Heather_Cole1
Today is beautiful! The birds are singing. Flowers are blooming. Spring pussy is in the air. Hello ladies. How you doin'? #Imadorkontheprowl
7d               
2
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
I secretly judge you by the cunts you talk to on the internets.
7d               
9
3
Terry F @daemonic3
Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
7d               
243
119
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
I like my men like I like my colon. Filthy.
7d               
40
3
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
Ah, springtime, when the majestic landscapers migrate back to the rich neighbors' lawns.
7d               
22
1
Meaghan Mayhem @crassmama
my day is going to be filled with boobs, whiskey, and maybe a small crying fit or two.
7d               
21
Just Call Me Frank™© @JustCallMeFrank
It's going to be such a beautiful day.
Looks like it's finally upskirts and scandals season.
7d               
23
2
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
A group of pregnant women is called an "ovary."
7d               
19
Portnoy's Complaints @lkp2011
You're goddamn right I want to stay on the line for a brief survey.
7d               
42
19
Benevolent Leader @1BigMick
I'm not really a racist, Philip, but...I think everyone from Colorado looks like John Denver.
7d               
28
8
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
Coffee made from the souls of ten million baby kittens.
7d               
13
8
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
Every morning feels like an end, it's just that the birds don't know.
7d               
20
1
Thinkerbell @Izianikapani
In the pursuit of feminine perfection, I've finally achieved thigh gap.

I hope I can maintain it. Walking with your feet 5 ft apart is hard
8d               
95
47
Steven Hall @HallpassCanada
I woke up to news that The Ultimate Warrior died...R.I.P to one of the greats.
8d               
36
11
a.k.a. @shesananteater
I faintly remember ordering something from Amazon around beer 7. Shit.
8d               
102
37
Mandy Land @MandaLynn314
Finally, someone plagiarized one of my tweets. Does that mean they fail life?
8d               
7
2
Mandy Land @MandaLynn314
He said he'd call and then texts me 7 months later to see if I miss him. At least I have a type.
8d               
14
1
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
I stuff my bra with Peeps. Been attacked by bears three times. Goodnight.
8d               
20
2
a.k.a. @shesananteater
If Hawaiian news has taught me anything, it's that the ocean straight up wants to murder your ass.

And the tallest palm tree is named Coco.
8d               
56
20
MAJOR LOZER @twelveyearsold
"we still have not located flight MH370," the air chief marshall announced today. "however we saw some whales which was pretty neat i guess"
8d               
16
4
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
I just tucked my vagina in for the night.
8d               
7
1
MAJOR LOZER @twelveyearsold
if my life is like the truman show i hope u like watching me play bejewelled on the toilet for 3 hours a day cuz that's what ur getting
8d               
27
10
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
Let's hold hands and go knee deep in a frozen lake. Okay?
8d               
18
3
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
Sometimes I just growl at my customers.
8d               
7
1
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
In my deepest fantasies, I get to pluck that boar hair growing out of the mole on your back.
8d               
29
1
swollenvoice @swollenvoice
Poop first before hang gliding.
8d               
23
4
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
My son, Joebie, cracked his skull with the nunchucks, again.
8d               
22
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
What kind of a person steals a Tozzi's twitter identity, anyway? They should strive to impersonate someone popular.
8d               
13
MAJOR LOZER @twelveyearsold
*raises hand during sex ed* uh and where is the afterskin located
8d               
63
15
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
*sneaks into daycare just in time for nap time*
8d               
89
35
Naazihah @naazihah
Pretty sure my boss called me fat. I mean, he said "well-rounded" but I think we all fucking know what that means.
8d               
91
23
ibid @ibid78
This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seat belts. Except for you mullet guy in jorts in 24B. You sir are a bad ass. Do yo thing.
8d               
194
94
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
@NaughtyTouch_ I haven't even had sex with ten people in the last ten years. Prude is right.
8d               
1
~Basement Beauty~ @Buzzzzzkill
And I've only had sex with ten of them.
8d               
7
1
Lindsey Beer @hstweetheart
My bf's car radio was left on Spanish love songs. Scale of 1-10, how worried should I be he's dumping me for a cruise dancer named Ricardo?
8d               
27
3
slick @HelenHuntitis
ALEX TREBEK: This movie stars Tom Hanks as a 12 year old-
ME: *buzzes in* What is Big?
ALEX: my dick lol
ME: *holds fist to mouth* damn lol
8d               
1,034
357
Heather Cole @Heather_Cole1
5yrold: Mommy, what's a soul?
Me: Um...
5yrold: Where is it in our body?
Me: Um...
5yrold: Why are dead people... fb.me/2N1q5Osl9
8d               
1
Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
8d               
843
529
Heather Cole @Heather_Cole1
I was running up my third hill in a row when I wished I was running in Kansas.
8d               
2
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
THE MUFFINS IN THE BREAKROOM WERE FOR EVERYONE, HEATHER!
8d               
109
38
Heather Cole @Heather_Cole1
Mud splashed up leg--yup. Debris in running shoe--yup. Nearly attacked by mating geese--yup.
8d               
2
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare just like daddy on a Saturday night
8d in reply to Blarebare               
1
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare I bet you wouldn't say that if the Sedins were on the Leafs you racist!!!
8d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
If you're going to write awful tweets, at least try to be #sensual @Blarebare
8d in reply to Blarebare               
5
1
Lindsey Beer @hstweetheart
You all go ahead and lose your shit over "MOIST," but JELLY is the most disturbing word in the English language.
8d               
21
2
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@Blarebare awful I'm gonna need you to log off immediately
8d in reply to Blarebare               
2
1
baby grim @MiniestMaus
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. Except Balberith, he took the wife and kids to Cancun. I hear Johnson is covering his accounts.
8d               
5
2
snowjob @canadasandra
I watch porn like hungry people watch shows about food.
8d               
64
26
Steve @WigCannon
Hey pic.twitter.com/L8UN5jlLTv
8d               
74
22
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
Let's make this the most sensual draw a picture of a bird day ever.
8d               
14
4
bog dad @AynRandy
Tip for teens (adults look away): when songs say 'get it on' they are taking about sexuel fucking
8d               
16
3
La La @acharmcitychick
*gently scooches back to fit perfectly in his curve*

*farts*
9d               
10
1
Smug Lemur @Smug_Lemur
I think Jesus has like zero driving experience so maybe don't let him take the wheel
9d               
20
12
baby grim @MiniestMaus
Let me curly shuffle my way into your heart
9d               
8
1
Thomas @TBH42
Has anyone checked San Diego for Carmen San Diego? It's her last name.
9d               
15
4
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
I don't mind nudes as long as your dog is in the background.
9d               
12
2
Chinaski @HaankChinaski
It took me 28 years, but I finally had sex in an old shed.
9d               
22
6
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Count @CountGripsnatch
@TheBlessMess pic.twitter.com/5tuWB4fjzg
9d in reply to TheBlessMess               
4
Sarahara Dessert @sarahdunmore13
I'm glad that if I ever go missing, my parents will have their choice from 9000 selfies to put on the back of a milk carton.
9d               
17
14
Nasty RayGun @THEPokerWife
I'm not partaking in ANY new music... Until we (as a society) stop discovering "artists" by way of gameshow.
9d               
121
49
Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi
I knit you up a sweater vest with a special pouch for your mashed potatoes n' gravy. You'll fuckin love it.
9d               
30
3
Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn
You send a tweet moments before skydiving. As you pull your chute I come rocketing past you in a complete free-fall shouting "NOT YOUR BEST"
9d               
11
2
April May @aprilmaywilson
I just fished an invitation to join AARP from the garbage. Any pride I have left is in its death throes.
9d               
33
7
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
My favorite typo is "me" instead of "my", because pirates.
9d               
282
140
Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn
Wilt 'The Stilt" began a long and proud tradition of euphemistic Lakers nicknames, including "Magic" Johnson and Kobe "Large Penis" Bryant
9d               
8
1
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
Sometimes I look at old pictures of myself and try to figure out what shirt I was wearing.
9d               
48
7
Gretchen von Tongeln @Metalligretch
Please catapult me into a pile of gelatinous fruit snacks. I need to find my center.
9d               
39
3
baby grim @MiniestMaus
I was too busy shooting up in the 90s to ever really get into F•R•I•E•N•D•S
9d               
10
2
baby grim @MiniestMaus
Life update: Just watched a squirrel hump a tree branch
9d               
11
Linh Le @linhsanityy
Wow you're an asshole
9d               
3
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
Can't even elucidate how uncomfortable my father's love for Regina Spektor makes me.
9d               
25
2
Yngwie Momjeans @afbradstone
A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"
9d               
55
11
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
I get all my best life advice from UPS drivers.
9d               
58
22
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
<---- tweeting on a fixed income.
9d               
47
12
Meredith @Meredvth
@Blarebare Good answer. Hold my calls.
9d in reply to Blarebare               
1
1
Meredith @Meredvth
How long do I have to stay in the bathtub until I'm a mermaid?
9d               
26
5
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