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Call me NickOntario, Canada2011-10-28
@NickNonchalant910 days
I'm from Canada. We just got the internet here. It goes off whenever someone picks up the pho
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2,5072,0461,109747,475
We found 196 favorite tweets.
shanna @frontrowart
pic.twitter.com/boVCBvC9UE
113d               
2
Mr Roffe @SimonRoffe
A tad childish. pic.twitter.com/nrOoeA9nOy
114d               
6
1
Rachel Leigh @RachelLeigh227
Hi.

I love you.

Cuddle with me forever.

In case you're wondering what a first date with me is like.
115d               
42
12
not Jenn @mynameshank
I'm gonna start going to the gym for the free cable.
115d               
90
32
Dan @Papa_Mex
In-Laws Day 11: I've developed Tourettes, I'm now hairless, and I may re-create the closing scene in Carrie tonight...
115d               
142
52
justjessylynn @jessylynn40
If the driver of a smart car farts, do they go any faster?
116d               
64
37
Louis Fairandblonde @blunted215
he liked "Kidz Bop" when it was underground RT @NoamiCampbell: This kid dresses better than 75% of grown men pic.twitter.com/oAuw9TdSYc
122d in reply to blunted215               
8
9
Ɗ Ƴ Ƈ Ƙ _ Ɯ Ƴ Ƭ Ç Ӈ @Anton_LaBae
me and my girls in da club pic.twitter.com/8YvZZX4C4U
126d               
181
86
Nerf Herder @TrueTorontoGirl
Being sick has given me a sexy deep voice and I’m turning myself on.
128d               
114
47
IndicaMama @fuck_yer_mother
Chief classic pic.twitter.com/PXUh5CBNcO
131d               
1
Betty @BoomBoomBetty
Yes Amazon. I do want to tweet that I just bought a pencil sharpener in the shape of a nose. A pencil digging in a nose is hilarious.
132d               
5
John Solo @Shock_Monster
"Meh. I'm going to have to see some more action on the 'Like's' before I heal your cancer, Betty."

God, according to Facebook
133d               
489
335
Jess [ham] @thejessbess
SEX SO COOL WE BOTH LEFT OUR SUNGLASSES ON
134d               
69
23
Mitch G @Mitchoacan
Dude, not you too with that damned santa hat
134d               
15
2
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
It's not complete emotional bankruptcy, my heart just has insufficient funds.
134d               
550
234
Eddie Brawley @ebrawley
Ahh I dunno, folks. Seems like there are several things about this whole fashion show thing that seem almost silly and/or absurd...
135d               
6
1
Vanilla @djr_102
Give your followers the gift they deserve this Christmas and twittercide.
135d               
43
17
Krissi @KrissiBex
I'm doing all my Christmas shopping out of a claw machine this year
135d               
13
2
Michèle @Boleyngirly
You thought I'd change my mind? That was dangerous and courageous. I like that.
135d               
39
13
Rob Fee @robfee
The scariest movie monsters of all time:
- Freddy Krueger
- Jaws
- Dracula
- The evil furnace from Home Alone
135d               
297
87
Cruz! @nPhelendriqal
Guys, I think I've finally found "the one" which is awesome because I thought I lost it. I love Jet Li movies.
135d               
53
18
rob delaney @robdelaney
Even if I don't work at your company, I'm fucking Jan from accounting at your holiday party.
135d               
1,076
363
Bread John @Breadery
From experience, the more beautiful she is the more likely her snore sounds like Darth Vader dying of cystic fibrosis.
135d               
141
63
Guy The Guy @GuyThe_Guy
Not sure if it's the guitar solo on the radio or my car heater, but either way...face melted.
135d               
122
57
Trey @treydayway
True love is eating your wife's homemade cookies...even though they are harder than advanced Russian Calculus.
136d in reply to treydayway               
54
31
hush @canufixthis
Petition to install monkey bars in the ceiling to better assist in getting from room to room without touching the lava
144d               
67
22
Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley
I call my mouth a promise ring because I want to put it on your D forever.
144d               
208
66
Zach Heltzel @zachheltzel
PHOENIX: Boy seeking platonic cuddle buddy for tonight only for the purpose of grieving over the death of somebody he doesn't know.
144d               
21
. @shitterbugg
Guys, I think Twitter may have peaked in July '12.
156d               
7
1
Mitch G @Mitchoacan
Oh Shit our vendor forgot to make the dinner reservations
156d               
2
Vegas and Beyond @iAmDelFreaky
Fun Fact: Sloth killed Chunk and all his family, within the first few hours, after taking him home.
156d               
99
51
Vegas and Beyond @iAmDelFreaky
I fell down an open manhole and learned ninjutsu from a rat.

They found me laying in the sewer, holding a turd.

I hit my head pretty hard.
156d               
59
25
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
Apparently introducing myself as "The Chief Executive Officer of Not Giving A Fuck" at a business mixer was "immature".
170d               
27
7
The Fantastic Mr.Fox @Camel_Crushin
Trick or Tweet
Smell my feet
Give me all your drugs then leave
175d               
3
1
Squirrel Army @Mikecanrant
Guys with no kids, take your kids trick or treating anyways by busting a nut on your neighbors front door.
175d               
61
15
Varsity @JVarsityCaptain
If you're not engaged, pregnant, or vacationing do you really even need Facebook? Just text your mom to find out what she had for lunch.
175d               
648
418
Ryan @C_Berry3000
Everyone on the ground!

Put the candy in the bag and no one gets hurt!

*Opens bag of candy*

*Ink bomb explodes in my face*
175d               
36
16
rob delaney @robdelaney
All mayors smoke crack. Why is this news? Mike Bloomberg sucks that glass dick all day.
175d               
687
342
va-jenni monologues @jnrbtsn
If by trick or treating, you mean getting drunk and throwing rocks at kids... then yes... I am going trick or treating.
175d               
485
245
Dan Spectacular @DannoWelton
Good to see a group of men coming bowling in the spirit of Halloween dressed as Transformers

Oh wait, that's the Thursday disabled league
175d               
1
Brent @Brentweets
I put up an electric fence, lets see if those bastards can get in this year.
175d               
31
12
Josh Stern @joshingstern
Sometimes I play it so damn cool, that pigeons crap on my head
#quotes
175d               
5
2
Michèle @Boleyngirly
You reveal how special you are when you describe someone special to you.
175d               
197
112
Disco @TheOneTrueDisco
Gonorrhea is a pain in the dick.
175d               
3
PoohBear™ @pbear79
I'm "please be kind, rewind" years old.
175d               
5
1
im a lion ok @lionprincessval
I wanna be a Mountain Dew enthusiast for Halloween but I can't find my shirt with dragons on it :(
175d               
14
3
KelseyLynn @kelseysocrazy
A gentleman just introduced me to his imaginary friend. I'm not sure if that's weird, or the fact that I talked back to a fake person.
175d               
6
1
feistycat @caaataclysm
If the you lose all the contacts in your phone & you get a text that uses the words "fuck", "dude" and "totally" a lot... that's totally me.
175d               
10
Vodka n Tots @Vodkantots
Oh, good God!

I thought that was a costume.
175d               
136
71
Josh Stern @joshingstern
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others cause crabs. But it's quite unfortunate as they both don't advertise these facts
175d               
9
5
Tate @hayes_t_r
It's NOT a slutty costume! I'm Schrödinger's cat; it's not my fault cats don't wear pants.

Shut up, you don't know anything about science.
175d               
306
174
Jimmer Cork-Bottle @JimmerThatisAll
Yes but I'm a renaissance underachiever.
175d               
234
127
Honey Boob Boob @HoneyBaaBaa
Sometimes a girl just wants to get laid. Without all the emotions and shit. For real.
175d               
6
4
Polly Taylor @PollyTT
Just seen an obese man rub his obese wife's stomach and call her 'wobbles' on the train. Now THAT is Halloween.
175d               
4
Luiki Leaks @OhhhLuiss
Today I'll eat 30% of the candy kids collect to show them how the government works.
175d               
9
8
CurmudgeonlyYours @BobGoble
I just put a porn load of dishes in the dishwasher like some kind of domestic god. Hit me up ladies.
175d               
7
2
E @balleronabidet
I don't pray, but when I do, I pray I get my period.
175d               
27
14
Daniel Plainview @10InchesPlus
If you want a guy who just sits there and says nothing while his friends get attacked, go over to French Twitter.
175d               
32
12
Lazy Joe @lazy_joe_
*policeman knocks on door*
Ma'am, your husband has been in a car accident *winks*
Wait so has he or hasn't he
Oh he has *winks*
175d               
348
126
Mathew. @matym_
Her: are you single?
Him: no, I'm an album. You?
Her: single.
Him: tayeb sam3eena she.
*gets friend zoned*
175d               
5
11
Stuart V Cardholder @stuartcraig
When I was a little kid I used to eat so much candy that I would get a nosebleed and that's why I'm like this
175d               
8
1
Sarah @ImSortOfScary
I kissed a girl and I liked it

She didn't though & now I have a meeting with HR at 2....
175d               
648
349
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
"This place gives me the crêpes." I said as I drove by my favourite haunted breakfast place.
175d               
24
7
Denise! @StellaRtwot
Is a bed a costume?
175d               
189
60
2dornot2d @mydmac
A man who smiles, holds your hand, kisses you gently on the lips then whispers that he's going to fuck you against the wall is a keeper.
175d               
1,104
594
Flyfisher @rbinmn
Im gonna be pissed if I don't get a fucking A on my kids paper
175d               
125
46
Wilde Thing @WildeThingy
Today I will mostly be ripping masks from Halloweeners until one yells "I would've got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids"
175d               
42
22
Samuel H. Lowe @samuelhlowe
- Daddy, what is a condom used for?
- To avoid this type of questions.
175d               
145
92
Varsity @JVarsityCaptain
So, when does twitter go back to being about jokes and making people laugh?
175d               
694
383
Brent @Brentweets
I can't get past this level on Call of Duty where you have to tell a woman you love her.
176d               
69
17
ShotofCherye @CheryeDavis
Be sure to believe every word a scorned person on the internet tells you today, because it's bound to be true.

*jerk off motion
176d               
400
213
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Whenever I go to the grocery store, I always tell the bag boys that everything is goin to be ok cause I dont want them to end up like Brooks
176d               
19
6
Brent @Brentweets
Every time I am in a history class I feel the need to apologize for being white.
176d               
42
12
Brent @Brentweets
You can't spell friends without fries.
176d               
83
49
June @junejuly12
Athletes who win and thank god must think that god hates the other team
176d               
192
107
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
"Does this come in a sluttier version?"

- Me in a costume shop.
176d               
394
165
Just Ray @Ray_stephan
For every text I send my mom, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means.
176d               
23
10
Susan W @Maxine12333
Luck trumps smart any day. At least I think so since I've seen some of the smartest people crash and burn over just bad luck.
176d               
73
23
The Mongoose @PhoenixRises69
Wife shouting: Only good girls get nice things, do you know what bad girls get?

Daughter: What?

Wife: Daddy, tell her.

Me: Umm, herpes?
176d               
59
24
Babies Daddy @dshack8
Officer: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: CUZ I'M BLACK & THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Officer: Your gas cap's open.
Me:..
Officer:..
Me: Nice flashlight!
176d               
256
147
Brent @Brentweets
Remember if you can successfully wrestle a trick or treater to the ground you get the candy they are in possession of. They know the rules.
176d               
94
49
Brent @Brentweets
Nobody likes someone who is needy... Right guys? You agree right?
177d               
130
41
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
OH FUCK! THE ELITES ARE FIGHTING! EVERYBODY HIDE!
177d               
16
3
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Cant wait till the weather gets a lil colder & ladies start walkin around in a sweater & panties, like they do in the Victoria's Secret mags
177d               
13
1
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Me: Baby! Whats for dinner tomorrow?
GF: .....
Me: Baby?
GF: .....

*checks on my baby*
*crock pot just sits there on counter*
177d               
9
Jakob Huber @jakob_huber
Any lamp can be a lava lamp if you throw it into a volcano.
177d               
59
17
Ben Mehl @itsbenmehl
Rap music can be dissected into two categories. 1. People who are good. 2. Unintentional comedians.
177d               
14
3
Valerie Reed @ValeriePotta
The hardest part of my day is stopping myself from rolling my eyes and making the jerk off motion when people talk to me.
177d               
245
187
Rock @TheMichaelRock
EEERRRRR...CHHHHHHH...ERRRRRRR....CHHHHHHH...EEERRRRRR....

- What the fax says.
177d               
136
86
CatasTrophy @Ghetto_Trophy
Kanye gets bitten by a vampire and spends all of eternity sobbing in front of a reflection free mirror.
179d               
111
61
Susan W @Maxine12333
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before" would be a terrible pick up line to someone in a police line up.
180d               
75
42
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
"Bro. We're out of protein powder bro"

"Aw no whey bro."
182d               
484
274
Ben Mehl @itsbenmehl
When a beautiful woman is staring at you and you sneeze, well that's just God's way of saying, "not this time buddy."
182d               
19
5
.tam♡ @_tamx0
@NickNonchalant jerk... haha
183d in reply to NickNonchalant               
1
Emily @emireecraire
Sometimes I start to judge all the "weirdos" on public transportation, until I remember the half-empty bottle of salad dressing in my purse.
184d               
41
12
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Saw a tattoo that said, Only God Can Judge Me... Am I? Am I god? I'm judging her. Oh my me, I'm totally god.
185d               
140
74
Kyle *cue doves* @kyle_thatisall
Nice try, officer. You don't need a license to drive a dragon. Shroom?
185d               
135
78
NakedSuperman @Naked_Superman
I am the Stevie Wonder of noticing your new haircut.
192d               
142
82
Owen Benjamin @OwenBenjamin
I give a psychotic amount of thumbs ups to strangers everyday.
194d               
107
35
Dreyer Smit @dreyer_smit
It's Friday fuckers
196d               
3
Truth/Justice @LadyjusticeTine
Funny fuckers #FF @Eric_Nikiforov @blackbeastmode @JesusTakesMeth_ @MelShutUp @spcycucumber @NickNonchalant @grimpossible @kk
202d               
3
im a lion ok @lionprincessval
This gothic guy in my math class talks like he's a druggie from the 70s. It is magnificent.
202d               
4
ThatBroJo @ThatBroJo
Can the USA just go down in a nuclear fallout already? I really, REALLY want my Pip-Boy 3000.
202d               
2
1
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
If it was all in Walt's head, why would he include Jesse's box-building sequence? He wouldn't! Now get back to work!
203d               
166
128
Cast @castblastcod
Pro tip: If she won't let you put it in her butt under NO circumstances should you put a ring on it. Period. The end.
203d               
22
9
Britt @YaGonnaEatThat
Breaking bad sounds like something I've been working on with my therapist, but not much progress yet.
205d               
13
3
Sweet Hades @MotherofHades
It's been a long time since you've been you.
205d               
5
1
Britt @YaGonnaEatThat
I'm cool with being kinda chubby if it means I'm not the girl drinking wine at a sporting event.
205d               
28
9
BaZ @Baz_3000
I write tweets all day. Sometimes I make myself laugh so hard I have to pull my car over to the side of the road. Those usually get 2 stars
205d               
100
29
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
When opportunity knocks, ask for picture ID.
205d               
62
17
nadiezraD nierhS @DarzieDAMN
If you agree that giraffes are the most majestic beings on the planet, I might be into you.
205d               
20
8
Tony P. @Steelers1972
It's very awkward trying to steal a pumpkin from Walmart.
205d               
59
31
Britt @YaGonnaEatThat
I bet Bruno Mars wouldn't write as many sad songs if he looked less like a lesbian.
205d               
83
35
PsychoBitch @WetbackZombie
What a great audience. pic.twitter.com/UtFvH6jOhL
206d               
2
3
Rock @TheMichaelRock
The movie Castaway, but with Miley Cyrus and no film crew.
206d               
1,008
669
PsychoBitch @WetbackZombie
It was you. pic.twitter.com/1EgRLomvQo
206d               
1
Alan Bo Anderson @alb1690
My masturbation video has 47 views on Pornhub.

I have a large family.
206d               
11
5
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
i win every argument by pulling my original 1993 mighty morphin power rangers saba sword (MIB) out of my backpack
207d               
46
13
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
FF: @louisadams1234 @GingerAtLaw @bmdolan @heidi420x @URKidnRite @NickNonchalant @caaataclysm @OnlyFastEddie @HeyZeus666 @blackbutterLP
216d               
4
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
The giant ghost vagina that we are having installed in our house is coming along nicely pic.twitter.com/SMhKOKnYmz
216d               
343
121
Grace Marie @DistractedMomma
Everything my heart has ever told me is complete bullshit, so fuck listening to that douche ever again.
220d               
194
117
Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley
Who me? No I swear I was only using the cucumber as a microphone to sing in the shower....
221d               
88
50
Joshua Who @JoshuaHvr
Me: "Can I get a Vodka/RedBull?"

Bartender: "Is Monster OK?"

Me: "IS IT OK IF I PAY WITH MONOPOLY MONEY?"
223d               
71
32
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
Carla always felt self-conscious around the other girls pic.twitter.com/6nBOMe8uB4
223d               
409
276
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
FF: @NickNonchalant @Scigglez @UncleBenny311 @JessicaVarsity @NurseMurderer @Pirate_nurse @WhosThisHoe @blackbutterLP @HairyJew4Life
223d               
4
Mike Wrong @Mike_Wrong
"Sir you can't have that falcon in the movie theater how the hell did you get that in here"
224d               
26
4
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
You'll never really know how much you mean to me, cuz I'll never really tell you. I'm not an idiot. I wanna keep you.
224d               
32
6
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Hymen…Hy men…Hi men…It's like a little welcome mat.
224d               
73
24
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
*tells joke
*heckled by peanut gallery
*eats peanut butter in front of gallery
*maintains eye contact
*peanut gallery knows who's boss now
225d               
355
178
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
My coworker thinks someone fucks things up at her desk every night when she's not there. We all think she's crazy

It's me. It's totally me
225d               
401
211
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
FACEBOOK

Friends
And
Colleagues
Expressing
Bullshit
Online
Or
Keith from down the road sending you ANOTHER FUCKING CANDY CRUSH REQUEST
225d               
948
580
Italian Bratikus @ItalianBratikus
I'm not saying she's a whore, BUT, her vagina IS legendary.
225d               
55
19
Tony P. @Steelers1972
Hey Apple, instead of a better camera on the new iPhone, how about adding two more fucking feet on your house chargers.
226d               
172
117
John Solo @Shock_Monster
No, YOU grow up & act your damn age!

- Me, to this 2 year old giving me grief at the McDonald's Playland just now
226d               
285
115
Sara Pryce @AntisocialinNY
Friends with benefits.

Starting with dental and vision.
226d               
4
1
jomny sun @jonnysun
*has a rock*
yay i hav a rock
*sees a smoother shinier rock*
I WANT THAT ROCK
226d               
282
171
rob delaney @robdelaney
The gold iPhone: the Porsche Cayenne of phones.
226d               
476
487
Touchwood Tinder @Chumpstring
Make money by selling pocket-sized Ryan Goslings to lonely women.
226d               
19
13
Mark Maira @MarkMaira
1.Porn for women
2.Mice eating faces
3.Miley Cyrus is that little cousin you've seen naked 13 times

3-7pm on The Zone @ 94.1
226d               
1
1
Scarlett Fever @WittyClitty
If ya can't perv/humiliate your BF on tha internets, what's the point?
226d               
17
1
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Apple unveiled the new iPhone 5C which is a cheaper version of their new iPhone 5S, guaranteed to piss off your spoiled teen this Christmas.
226d               
218
406
William_Shartner @Blarebare
I tucked my dick between my legs in 1993 never to be seen again.
226d               
9
Athena Mystique @AthenaMystique
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

*shoots pump action mega super soaker*

*snorts all the pixie sticks*

*grabs teddy bear by throat*
226d               
144
80
Athena Mystique @AthenaMystique
Not sure I should bother getting out of bed today, right Magic 8 ball?

*shakes Magic 8 ball*

"All signs point to 'your mom is a whore.'"
226d               
111
66
Raymond Von, Jr. @RayFromCincy
The stick figure woman on the back of my van is your mom.
226d               
16
6
inappropriate mom @nicfit75
Shout out to the real heroes out there -tweeters who can still type when they're high as fuck. Bravo, stoners.
226d               
156
54
Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott
Superman's recent Google searches:

"Do x-rays cause cancer?"

"Cooking with heat vision"

"Sexy glasses"

"Wonder Woman nip slip"
226d               
105
73
Rob Elliott @RobElliottComic
Terminator plot:

*Totally rad Emojis that make perfect sense to the plot of the movie above*

I'll be back...
227d               
100
51
Sasshole @RidiculousSheri
I don't care which way the toilet paper roll goes, BUT SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU BUY ONE PLY I WILL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND!
227d               
195
92
Bitch McSugarMittens @Jesssicle
Just accidentally cut myself with the pizza slicer. But, now there are eight easy to eat slices of me.
227d               
63
33
Brent @Brentweets
My mom says I don't need a girlfriend because I'm special.
227d               
43
11
America's Henchman @TheDailySchmuck
I think it's time we started pissing off other people.
227d               
68
36
JAY [ham] KAY @NurseMurderer
Hope there's no hard feelings between us, unless it's your boner.

HAHAW BONERS ARE JUST HARD FEELINGS, GUYS.
Anatomy. Science.
227d               
171
85
Shallow Teaspoon @shallowteaspoon
When a guy is staring at my boobs I just loudly say, THEY'RE NICE RIGHT? and watch the horror and embarrassment spread across his face.
227d               
63
39
♦️ @TrekTaylor
Yes, my boobs are real.
Real small.
227d               
542
232
palokin @palokin
Can't believe Ariel Castro killed himself before the Breaking Bad Finale.
228d               
15
9
Joel Danger @joeldanger
I'll live vicariously through your vibrator until I can fuck you myself.
228d               
76
45
Unlucky_Ninja @Unlucky_Ninja
Is Billy Crystal still alive? I mean he was old even when he was young.
228d               
25
6
PsychoBitch @WetbackZombie
Pretend I'm a Nintendo 64 cassette and blow me.
228d               
1
Chronic Cynic @cynicuhl
What do you mean “Twitter is making my breasts sore” is inappropriate?
228d               
21
4
Jamie Tighe @thejamietighe
Him: What's with the balloons?

Me: They're balloon animals. The long one is a worm.

Him: And the round one?

Me: Worm holding its breath.
228d               
28
25
Brent @Brentweets
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, the guy in the ice cream truck looks scared! Light his truck on fire! Beat him!
228d               
44
9
Dani Fernandez @mydanimarie
It was nice of the warden letting the Oakland Raiders play outside of prison today
228d               
102
41
The Pretty Girl Swag @AllTheUglyTruth
Pardon me sir, but your mind is making my panties fall off.

Keep up the good work.
228d               
69
26
Psychotic Humor @PHDaniel_Street
I accidentally knocked over a few dinners on to the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $334,000,000 dollars
229d               
471
191
nick pants @SocialExtortion
Women - you can't live with them, but you will because they will make you
229d               
378
260
nick pants @SocialExtortion
Walmart is just twitter in 3-D
229d               
105
63
nick pants @SocialExtortion
Sorry ladies I'm taken...

*holds hands with a pizza*
229d               
95
47
Big Money Rowlf @iRowlf
You might think this is a bad tweet, but it took me 8 days to write it so you're wrong. It's actually a very good tweet.
229d               
102
29
CertifiablySane @CertifiablySane
@Jenny4ashley @NickNonchalant @iCollectZombies @JeremyInKC @marcusparkersol @littlekitnerboy xo!!!
230d in reply to Jenny4ashley               
1
Jeremy Smith @JeremyInKC
@Jenny4ashley You seriously are ridiculously kind. Thank you for all of the shout-outs.
230d in reply to Jenny4ashley               
2
Abe Y. @Cheeseboy22
I'm a pretty clumsy person. If I was a shop teacher, I'd have like 3 fingers left.
230d               
99
21
Bread John @Breadery
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
230d               
510
296
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
Question -
It's only gay if you're:
A) giving it
B) taking it
C) posting the same selfie on Facebook every day.
231d               
11
Jerbot™ Firebottom @Goofpoops
Anything you say will be held against you In the court of law

“Okay!
Boobs
A vagina thing
Koala bear
More boobs

That stuff counts right?”
232d               
248
163
Brent @Brentweets
Sorry skinny people we aren't taking Drew Carey or Jared from Subway back. They're your problem now.
232d               
75
21
Brent @Brentweets
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
233d               
624
467
Rainey Knight @BlakWidowBarbee
If I've offended you, I apologize. I honestly didn't think you could read.
234d               
784
605
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Girls who fuck themselves with zucchinis and cucumbers have a hulk fetish
235d               
16
3
John Wayne Gaysee @johngaysee
WHEN THE FUCK DID THE PILLOWS GET SO HOT THAT WE NEED A FUCKING CHILLOW???
235d               
22
8
@wyldream
Love talkin to those titties
235d               
5
1
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Sometimes I say goodnight to someone and then twitter for another hour and then Im surprised when they end up hating me like what went wrong
235d               
18
4
Donnie Fairburn @Donnie_Fairburn
Forgot to cover my mouth when I yawned and a ghost stuck his gross dick in my mouth :(
235d               
15
3
coco @Libertarianslut
Love this song
235d               
2
she who cant b named @Jilly_Maree
Just took a lid off a jar BY MYSELF.

I don't need no man.
235d               
5
DOGNIP @iloveskyrim71
Pro Tip: If you're a woman and you get sick of painting your toenails,
get real fat and then you won't have to!
235d               
10
2
Rob Thomas @RobotThomas
Trending now! Runners that match the four inches of underwear hanging over the top of your skinny jeans. Ya!!!
235d               
5
Carmen Chan @carmcheez
Sober is good rob_temp instagram.com/p/dvxxs-gEfW/
235d               
2
Kaitlyn McPenis @ktmcburr
I'm pretty sure this girl not only blocked me but is blocking and unfollowing all who RT me aka I'm doing twitter exactly fucking right.
235d               
21
7
Zulfa abrahams @Zulfa154
Hey smartasses on twitter, at least learn to fucking spell before you try to impress all in the twittersphere!
235d               
1
nick pants @SocialExtortion
*logs out of twitter and never looks back*

#myending
235d               
56
21
Karate Suprise Party @ManVsPuppet
Apparently you get arrested if you measure your penis size at the shoe store.
235d               
14
2
{Circus Freak} @The_Mentalyst
Apparently shouting Freeze then pulling out a water gun and spraying cold water on an officer doesn't count as joke.

Ease on the cuffs Sir.
235d               
11
17
Pensive Pearls @PensivePearls
I don't understand why my friend is mad that I fucked her ex. When they broke up she told me "fuck that guy".
235d               
14
6
revious @revious
His wife doesn't let him build the baseball field. Or do anything fun. He's just a lonely alcoholic. #myending
235d               
10
3
Swishergirl @Swishergirl24
Every movie is Sharknado.

#myending
235d               
33
14
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