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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
Call me NickOntario, Canada2011-10-28
@NickNonchalant1,030 days
I'm from Canada. We just got the internet here. It goes off whenever someone picks up the pho
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
2,3782,0061,111677,245
We found 197 favorite tweets.
Brent @Brentweets
You might know me from my numerous films such as Booty Revolution, Booty Revolution 2 and Booty Revolution 3D.
12d               
13
1
Rach EEEE @LilFlaOrange30
An apple a day keep the doctor away, as well as the neighbor's annoying kids if you pelt them hard enough
23d               
51
27
Abby in Chains @swisherr_tweet
Me- I saw your sign for a bake sale. How much is it to get super baked?
Lady-
Me- cause I only have like 20 bucks
L- you need to leave
23d               
13
5
pascalle @frenchielaboozi
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
176d               
1,671
641
MustardStain @Whitnuts
Riding on a midnight train isn't as magical as Journey would like you to believe.
212d               
157
67
shanna @frontrowart
pic.twitter.com/boVCBvC9UE
232d               
2
Simon Roffe @SimonRoffe
A tad childish. pic.twitter.com/nrOoeA9nOy
234d               
6
1
Rachel Leigh @RachelLeigh227
Hi.

I love you.

Cuddle with me forever.

In case you're wondering what a first date with me is like.
234d               
39
11
NE1C Jenn @NE1C_Jenn
I'm gonna start going to the gym for the free cable.
235d               
89
32
Damn Dan @Papa_Mex
In-Laws Day 11: I've developed Tourettes, I'm now hairless, and I may re-create the closing scene in Carrie tonight...
235d               
138
54
justjessylynn @jessylynn40
If the driver of a smart car farts, do they go any faster?
235d               
61
35
Jiguel Jigs @blunted215
he liked "Kidz Bop" when it was underground RT @NoamiCampbell: This kid dresses better than 75% of grown men pic.twitter.com/oAuw9TdSYc
242d in reply to blunted215               
8
9
la femme dickeater @Anton_LaBae
me and my girls in da club pic.twitter.com/8YvZZX4C4U
246d               
172
83
Nerf Herder @TrueTorontoGirl
Being sick has given me a sexy deep voice and I’m turning myself on.
248d               
112
46
IndicaMama @fuck_yer_mother
Chief classic pic.twitter.com/PXUh5CBNcO
251d               
1
Betty @BoomBoomBetty
Yes Amazon. I do want to tweet that I just bought a pencil sharpener in the shape of a nose. A pencil digging in a nose is hilarious.
252d               
5
Jess [ham] @thejessbess
SEX SO COOL WE BOTH LEFT OUR SUNGLASSES ON
253d               
67
22
Mitch G @Mitchoacan
Dude, not you too with that damned santa hat
253d               
14
2
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
It's not complete emotional bankruptcy, my heart just has insufficient funds.
253d               
537
223
Eddie Brawley @ebrawley
Ahh I dunno, folks. Seems like there are several things about this whole fashion show thing that seem almost silly and/or absurd...
254d               
6
1
Vanilla @djr_102
Give your followers the gift they deserve this Christmas and twittercide.
254d               
42
16
Krissi @KrissiBex
I'm doing all my Christmas shopping out of a claw machine this year
254d               
13
2
Michèle @Boleyngirly
You thought I'd change my mind? That was dangerous and courageous. I like that.
254d               
38
13
Cruz! @nPhelendriqal
Guys, I think I've finally found "the one" which is awesome because I thought I lost it. I love Jet Li movies.
254d               
51
17
rob delaney @robdelaney
Even if I don't work at your company, I'm fucking Jan from accounting at your holiday party.
254d               
1,061
349
Bread John @Breadery
From experience, the more beautiful she is the more likely her snore sounds like Darth Vader dying of cystic fibrosis.
255d               
135
60
Guy The Guy @GuyThe_Guy
Not sure if it's the guitar solo on the radio or my car heater, but either way...face melted.
255d               
122
54
Trey @treydayway
True love is eating your wife's homemade cookies...even though they are harder than advanced Russian Calculus.
255d in reply to treydayway               
53
29
hush @canufixthis
Petition to install monkey bars in the ceiling to better assist in getting from room to room without touching the lava
264d               
65
22
Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley
I call my mouth a promise ring because I want to put it on your D forever.
264d               
203
66
Zach Heltzel @zachheltzel
PHOENIX: Boy seeking platonic cuddle buddy for tonight only for the purpose of grieving over the death of somebody he doesn't know.
264d               
21
. @shitterbugg
Guys, I think Twitter may have peaked in July '12.
276d               
7
1
Mitch G @Mitchoacan
Oh Shit our vendor forgot to make the dinner reservations
276d               
2
Beyond Freaky @iAmDelFreaky
Fun Fact: Sloth killed Chunk and all his family, within the first few hours, after taking him home.
276d               
97
49
Beyond Freaky @iAmDelFreaky
I fell down an open manhole and learned ninjutsu from a rat.

They found me laying in the sewer, holding a turd.

I hit my head pretty hard.
276d               
60
24
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
Apparently introducing myself as "The Chief Executive Officer of Not Giving A Fuck" at a business mixer was "immature".
290d               
25
7
The Fantastic Mr.Fox @Camel_Crushin
Trick or Tweet
Smell my feet
Give me all your drugs then leave
295d               
3
1
Squirrel Army @Mikecanrant
Guys with no kids, take your kids trick or treating anyways by busting a nut on your neighbors front door.
295d               
61
14
Varsity @JVarsityCaptain
If you're not engaged, pregnant, or vacationing do you really even need Facebook? Just text your mom to find out what she had for lunch.
295d               
631
402
Ryan @C_Berry3000
Everyone on the ground!

Put the candy in the bag and no one gets hurt!

*Opens bag of candy*

*Ink bomb explodes in my face*
295d               
34
13
rob delaney @robdelaney
All mayors smoke crack. Why is this news? Mike Bloomberg sucks that glass dick all day.
295d               
678
333
No Eyed Ear @DannoWelton
Good to see a group of men coming bowling in the spirit of Halloween dressed as Transformers

Oh wait, that's the Thursday disabled league
295d               
1
Brent @Brentweets
I put up an electric fence, lets see if those bastards can get in this year.
295d               
28
11
Josh Stern @joshingstern
Sometimes I play it so damn cool, that pigeons crap on my head
#quotes
295d               
5
2
Michèle @Boleyngirly
You reveal how special you are when you describe someone special to you.
295d               
229
133
El Deesco @TheOneTrueDisco
Gonorrhea is a pain in the dick.
295d               
3
PoohBear™ @pbear79
I'm "please be kind, rewind" years old.
295d               
6
1
Master Shake @ExcuseMyTweets
John: There's a whale in the pass you wanna go see it?
Me: OMG yes! 😍
J: They're gonna euthanize it today too.
M: Wait...what?? 😳😩😭😥
295d               
1
they call me val @lionprincessval
I wanna be a Mountain Dew enthusiast for Halloween but I can't find my shirt with dragons on it :(
295d               
14
3
KelseyLynn @kelseysocrazy
A gentleman just introduced me to his imaginary friend. I'm not sure if that's weird, or the fact that I talked back to a fake person.
295d               
5
1
feistycat @caaataclysm
If the you lose all the contacts in your phone & you get a text that uses the words "fuck", "dude" and "totally" a lot... that's totally me.
295d               
9
Vodka n Tots @Vodkantots
Oh, good God!

I thought that was a costume.
295d               
129
64
Josh Stern @joshingstern
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others cause crabs. But it's quite unfortunate as they both don't advertise these facts
295d               
9
5
Tate @darkmatter_wimp
It's NOT a slutty costume! I'm Schrödinger's cat; it's not my fault cats don't wear pants.

Shut up, you don't know anything about science.
295d               
311
175
Jimmer Cork-Bottle @JimmerThatisAll
Yes but I'm a renaissance underachiever.
295d               
232
123
Honey Boob Boob @HoneyBaaBaa
Sometimes a girl just wants to get laid. Without all the emotions and shit. For real.
295d               
6
4
Polly Taylor @PollyTT
Just seen an obese man rub his obese wife's stomach and call her 'wobbles' on the train. Now THAT is Halloween.
295d               
4
Luiki Leaks @OhhhLuiss
Today I'll eat 30% of the candy kids collect to show them how the government works.
295d               
9
8
CurmudgeonlyYours @BobGoble
I just put a porn load of dishes in the dishwasher like some kind of domestic god. Hit me up ladies.
295d               
7
2
E @balleronabidet
I don't pray, but when I do, I pray I get my period.
295d               
26
14
Daniel Plainview @10InchesPlus
If you want a guy who just sits there and says nothing while his friends get attacked, go over to French Twitter.
295d               
28
11
Lazy Joe @lazy_joe_
*policeman knocks on door*
Ma'am, your husband has been in a car accident *winks*
Wait so has he or hasn't he
Oh he has *winks*
295d               
339
119
Mathew. @matym_
Her: are you single?
Him: no, I'm an album. You?
Her: single.
Him: tayeb sam3eena she.
*gets friend zoned*
295d               
4
9
Stuart V Cardholder @lil_aracuan
When I was a little kid I used to eat so much candy that I would get a nosebleed and that's why I'm like this
295d               
7
1
Sorta Sarah @ImSortOfSarah
I kissed a girl and I liked it

She didn't though & now I have a meeting with HR at 2....
295d               
749
406
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
"This place gives me the crêpes." I said as I drove by my favourite haunted breakfast place.
295d               
22
6
Denise! @Stellacopter
Is a bed a costume?
295d               
183
59
3Dee @mydmac
A man who smiles, holds your hand, kisses you gently on the lips then whispers that he's going to fuck you against the wall is a keeper.
295d               
1,106
580
Wilde Thing @WildeThingy
Today I will mostly be ripping masks from Halloweeners until one yells "I would've got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids"
295d               
41
21
3M075 @SamuelHLowe
- Daddy, what is a condom used for?
- To avoid this type of questions.
295d               
135
84
Varsity @JVarsityCaptain
So, when does twitter go back to being about jokes and making people laugh?
295d               
667
362
Brent @Brentweets
I can't get past this level on Call of Duty where you have to tell a woman you love her.
295d               
68
17
ShotofCherye @CheryeDavis
Be sure to believe every word a scorned person on the internet tells you today, because it's bound to be true.

*jerk off motion
295d               
381
201
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Whenever I go to the grocery store, I always tell the bag boys that everything is goin to be ok cause I dont want them to end up like Brooks
295d               
18
5
Brent @Brentweets
Every time I am in a history class I feel the need to apologize for being white.
295d               
41
12
Brent @Brentweets
You can't spell friends without fries.
295d               
82
47
June @junejuly12
Athletes who win and thank god must think that god hates the other team
295d               
185
105
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
"Does this come in a sluttier version?"

- Me in a costume shop.
295d               
383
161
Just Ray @Ray_stephan
For every text I send my mom, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means.
296d               
22
9
Susan W @Maxine12333
Luck trumps smart any day. At least I think so since I've seen some of the smartest people crash and burn over just bad luck.
296d               
67
23
The Mongoose @TheMongoose69
Wife shouting: Only good girls get nice things, do you know what bad girls get?

Daughter: What?

Wife: Daddy, tell her.

Me: Umm, herpes?
296d               
54
21
Babies Daddy @dshack8
Officer: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: CUZ I'M BLACK & THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Officer: Your gas cap's open.
Me:..
Officer:..
Me: Nice flashlight!
296d               
247
141
Brent @Brentweets
Remember if you can successfully wrestle a trick or treater to the ground you get the candy they are in possession of. They know the rules.
296d               
94
48
Brent @Brentweets
Nobody likes someone who is needy... Right guys? You agree right?
296d               
127
38
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
OH FUCK! THE ELITES ARE FIGHTING! EVERYBODY HIDE!
296d               
16
3
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Cant wait till the weather gets a lil colder & ladies start walkin around in a sweater & panties, like they do in the Victoria's Secret mags
296d               
13
1
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Me: Baby! Whats for dinner tomorrow?
GF: .....
Me: Baby?
GF: .....

*checks on my baby*
*crock pot just sits there on counter*
296d               
9
Jakob Huber @jakob_huber
Any lamp can be a lava lamp if you throw it into a volcano.
297d               
57
17
Ben Mehl @itsbenmehl
Rap music can be dissected into two categories. 1. People who are good. 2. Unintentional comedians.
297d               
13
3
Valerie Reed @ValeriePotta
The hardest part of my day is stopping myself from rolling my eyes and making the jerk off motion when people talk to me.
297d               
231
177
Rock @TheMichaelRock
EEERRRRR...CHHHHHHH...ERRRRRRR....CHHHHHHH...EEERRRRRR....

- What the fax says.
297d               
130
80
CatasTrophy @Ghetto_Trophy
Kanye gets bitten by a vampire and spends all of eternity sobbing in front of a reflection free mirror.
298d               
110
61
Susan W @Maxine12333
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before" would be a terrible pick up line to someone in a police line up.
300d               
72
41
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
"Bro. We're out of protein powder bro"

"Aw no whey bro."
301d               
501
277
Ben Mehl @itsbenmehl
When a beautiful woman is staring at you and you sneeze, well that's just God's way of saying, "not this time buddy."
302d               
17
4
.tam♡ @_tamx0
@NickNonchalant jerk... haha
302d in reply to NickNonchalant               
1
Emily @emireecraire
Sometimes I start to judge all the "weirdos" on public transportation, until I remember the half-empty bottle of salad dressing in my purse.
303d               
41
12
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Saw a tattoo that said, Only God Can Judge Me... Am I? Am I god? I'm judging her. Oh my me, I'm totally god.
304d               
137
72
Kyle *cue doves* @kyle_thatisall
Nice try, officer. You don't need a license to drive a dragon. Shroom?
305d               
133
75
NakedSuperman @Naked_Superman
I am the Stevie Wonder of noticing your new haircut.
312d               
136
78
Owen Benjamin @OwenBenjamin
I give a psychotic amount of thumbs ups to strangers everyday.
314d               
107
35
Dreyer Smit @dreyer_smit
It's Friday fuckers
315d               
3
Truth/Justice @LadyjusticeTine
Funny fuckers #FF @Eric_Nikiforov @blackbeastmode @JesusTakesMeth_ @MelShutUp @spcycucumber @NickNonchalant @grimpossible @kk
322d               
3
they call me val @lionprincessval
This gothic guy in my math class talks like he's a druggie from the 70s. It is magnificent.
322d               
4
ThatBroJo @ThatBroJo
Can the USA just go down in a nuclear fallout already? I really, REALLY want my Pip-Boy 3000.
322d               
2
1
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
If it was all in Walt's head, why would he include Jesse's box-building sequence? He wouldn't! Now get back to work!
322d               
166
128
Cast @castblastcod
Pro tip: If she won't let you put it in her butt under NO circumstances should you put a ring on it. Period. The end.
323d               
21
9
Britt @YaGonnaEatThat
Breaking bad sounds like something I've been working on with my therapist, but not much progress yet.
324d               
13
3
Britt @YaGonnaEatThat
I'm cool with being kinda chubby if it means I'm not the girl drinking wine at a sporting event.
324d               
27
9
Henry_3k @Henry_3k
I write tweets all day. Sometimes I make myself laugh so hard I have to pull my car over to the side of the road. Those usually get 2 stars
324d               
96
28
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
When opportunity knocks, ask for picture ID.
324d               
62
17
FuFuBeanieBambi @DarzieDAMN
If you agree that giraffes are the most majestic beings on the planet, I might be into you.
324d               
21
8
Tony P. @Tbone7219
It's very awkward trying to steal a pumpkin from Walmart.
325d               
57
31
Britt @YaGonnaEatThat
I bet Bruno Mars wouldn't write as many sad songs if he looked less like a lesbian.
325d               
82
34
PsychoBitch @WetbackZombie
What a great audience. pic.twitter.com/UtFvH6jOhL
325d               
2
3
Rock @TheMichaelRock
The movie Castaway, but with Miley Cyrus and no film crew.
325d               
1,024
673
PsychoBitch @WetbackZombie
It was you. pic.twitter.com/1EgRLomvQo
325d               
1
Alan Bo Anderson @alb1690
My masturbation video has 47 views on Pornhub.

I have a large family.
326d               
11
5
toilet banger @ramenfuneral
i win every argument by pulling my original 1993 mighty morphin power rangers saba sword (MIB) out of my backpack
326d               
44
13
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
FF: @louisadams1234 @GingerAtLaw @bmdolan @heidi420x @URKidnRite @NickNonchalant @caaataclysm @OnlyFastEddie @HeyZeus666 @blackbutterLP
335d               
4
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
The giant ghost vagina that we are having installed in our house is coming along nicely pic.twitter.com/SMhKOKnYmz
336d               
336
120
Grace Marie @DistractedMomma
Everything my heart has ever told me is complete bullshit, so fuck listening to that douche ever again.
340d               
190
111
WestCoastGurl @vancitybarbie
You have a better chance at being someone's cell mate rather than anyone's soul mate.
340d               
146
89
Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley
Who me? No I swear I was only using the cucumber as a microphone to sing in the shower....
341d               
86
49
Joshua Who @JoshuaHvr
Me: "Can I get a Vodka/RedBull?"

Bartender: "Is Monster OK?"

Me: "IS IT OK IF I PAY WITH MONOPOLY MONEY?"
342d               
67
31
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
Carla always felt self-conscious around the other girls pic.twitter.com/6nBOMe8uB4
343d               
407
271
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
FF: @NickNonchalant @Scigglez @UncleBenny311 @JessicaVarsity @NurseMurderer @Pirate_nurse @WhosThisHoe @blackbutterLP @HairyJew4Life
343d               
4
Mike Wrong @Mike_Wrong
"Sir you can't have that falcon in the movie theater how the hell did you get that in here"
344d               
23
4
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
You'll never really know how much you mean to me, cuz I'll never really tell you. I'm not an idiot. I wanna keep you.
344d               
32
6
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Hymen…Hy men…Hi men…It's like a little welcome mat.
344d               
72
24
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
*tells joke
*heckled by peanut gallery
*eats peanut butter in front of gallery
*maintains eye contact
*peanut gallery knows who's boss now
345d               
339
168
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
My coworker thinks someone fucks things up at her desk every night when she's not there. We all think she's crazy

It's me. It's totally me
345d               
390
203
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
FACEBOOK

Friends
And
Colleagues
Expressing
Bullshit
Online
Or
Keith from down the road sending you ANOTHER FUCKING CANDY CRUSH REQUEST
345d               
931
567
Italian Bratikus @ItalianBratikus
I'm not saying she's a whore, BUT, her vagina IS legendary.
345d               
53
17
Tony P. @Tbone7219
Hey Apple, instead of a better camera on the new iPhone, how about adding two more fucking feet on your house chargers.
346d               
166
109
Sara Pryce @AntisocialinNY
Friends with benefits.

Starting with dental and vision.
346d               
4
1
jomny sun @jonnysun
*has a rock*
yay i hav a rock
*sees a smoother shinier rock*
I WANT THAT ROCK
346d               
277
169
rob delaney @robdelaney
The gold iPhone: the Porsche Cayenne of phones.
346d               
468
480
Touchwood Tinder @Chumpstring
Make money by selling pocket-sized Ryan Goslings to lonely women.
346d               
19
13
Mark Maira @MarkMaira
1.Porn for women
2.Mice eating faces
3.Miley Cyrus is that little cousin you've seen naked 13 times

3-7pm on The Zone @ 94.1
346d               
1
1
Scarlett Fever @WittyClitty
If ya can't perv/humiliate your BF on tha internets, what's the point?
346d               
16
1
Jenny Johnson @JennyJohnsonHi5
Apple unveiled the new iPhone 5C which is a cheaper version of their new iPhone 5S, guaranteed to piss off your spoiled teen this Christmas.
346d               
213
402
William_Shartner @Blarebare
I tucked my dick between my legs in 1993 never to be seen again.
346d               
9
Athena Mystique @AthenaMystique
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

*shoots pump action mega super soaker*

*snorts all the pixie sticks*

*grabs teddy bear by throat*
346d               
137
76
Athena Mystique @AthenaMystique
Not sure I should bother getting out of bed today, right Magic 8 ball?

*shakes Magic 8 ball*

"All signs point to 'your mom is a whore.'"
346d               
111
65
RayInOhio @RayInOhio
The stick figure woman on the back of my van is your mom.
346d               
15
6
inappropriate mom @nicfit75
Shout out to the real heroes out there -tweeters who can still type when they're high as fuck. Bravo, stoners.
346d               
150
54
Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott
Superman's recent Google searches:

"Do x-rays cause cancer?"

"Cooking with heat vision"

"Sexy glasses"

"Wonder Woman nip slip"
346d               
102
71
Rob Elliott @RobElliottComic
Terminator plot:

*Totally rad Emojis that make perfect sense to the plot of the movie above*

I'll be back...
346d               
95
49
Sasshole @RidiculousSheri
I don't care which way the toilet paper roll goes, BUT SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU BUY ONE PLY I WILL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND!
346d               
203
95
Bitch McSugarMittens @Jesssicle
Just accidentally cut myself with the pizza slicer. But, now there are eight easy to eat slices of me.
346d               
60
31
Brent @Brentweets
My mom says I don't need a girlfriend because I'm special.
346d               
41
11
America's Henchman @TheDailySchmuck
I think it's time we started pissing off other people.
347d               
66
34
JAY [ham] KAY @NurseMurderer
Hope there's no hard feelings between us, unless it's your boner.

HAHAW BONERS ARE JUST HARD FEELINGS, GUYS.
Anatomy. Science.
347d               
168
81
Shallow Teaspoon @shallowteaspoon
When a guy is staring at my boobs I just loudly say, THEY'RE NICE RIGHT? and watch the horror and embarrassment spread across his face.
347d               
58
35
moonsharkk @moonsharkk
Yes, my boobs are real.
Real small.
347d               
581
239
palokin @palokin
Can't believe Ariel Castro killed himself before the Breaking Bad Finale.
347d               
15
9
Joel Danger @joeldanger
I'll live vicariously through your vibrator until I can fuck you myself.
347d               
86
49
Unlucky_Ninja @Unlucky_Ninja
Is Billy Crystal still alive? I mean he was old even when he was young.
347d               
24
5
PsychoBitch @WetbackZombie
Pretend I'm a Nintendo 64 cassette and blow me.
348d               
1
Chronic Cynic @cynicuhl
What do you mean “Twitter is making my breasts sore” is inappropriate?
348d               
20
4
Jamie Tighe @thejamietighe
Him: What's with the balloons?

Me: They're balloon animals. The long one is a worm.

Him: And the round one?

Me: Worm holding its breath.
348d               
28
25
Brent @Brentweets
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, the guy in the ice cream truck looks scared! Light his truck on fire! Beat him!
348d               
43
9
Dani Fernandez @msdanifernandez
It was nice of the warden letting the Oakland Raiders play outside of prison today
348d               
96
39
The Pretty Girl Swag @AllTheUglyTruth
Pardon me sir, but your mind is making my panties fall off.

Keep up the good work.
348d               
68
26
Psychotic Humor @PHDaniel_Street
I accidentally knocked over a few dinners on to the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $334,000,000 dollars
348d               
562
245
nick @SocialExtortion
Women - you can't live with them, but you will because they will make you
349d               
410
265
nick @SocialExtortion
Walmart is just twitter in 3-D
349d               
104
62
nick @SocialExtortion
Sorry ladies I'm taken...

*holds hands with a pizza*
349d               
94
45
Big Money Rowlf @iRowlf
You might think this is a bad tweet, but it took me 8 days to write it so you're wrong. It's actually a very good tweet.
349d               
98
28
CertifiablySane @CertifiablySane
@Jenny4ashley @NickNonchalant @iCollectZombies @JeremyInKC @marcusparkersol @littlekitnerboy xo!!!
349d in reply to Jenny4ashley               
1
Jeremy Smith @JeremyInKC
@Jenny4ashley You seriously are ridiculously kind. Thank you for all of the shout-outs.
349d in reply to Jenny4ashley               
2
Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22
I'm a pretty clumsy person. If I was a shop teacher, I'd have like 3 fingers left.
350d               
96
20
Bread John @Breadery
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
350d               
499
286
Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31
Question -
It's only gay if you're:
A) giving it
B) taking it
C) posting the same selfie on Facebook every day.
351d               
10
Brent @Brentweets
Sorry skinny people we aren't taking Drew Carey or Jared from Subway back. They're your problem now.
352d               
70
20
Brent @Brentweets
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
353d               
612
460
Rainey Knight @BlakWidowBarbee
If I've offended you, I apologize. I honestly didn't think you could read.
354d               
779
598
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Girls who fuck themselves with zucchinis and cucumbers have a hulk fetish
354d               
14
3
John Wayne Gaysee @johngaysee
WHEN THE FUCK DID THE PILLOWS GET SO HOT THAT WE NEED A FUCKING CHILLOW???
354d               
21
8
k @wyldream
Love talkin to those titties
354d               
5
1
Ativan Halen @CarolinaSong
Sometimes I say goodnight to someone and then twitter for another hour and then Im surprised when they end up hating me like what went wrong
354d               
17
4
coco @Libertarianslut
Love this song
354d               
2
homegirl @Jilly_Maree
Just took a lid off a jar BY MYSELF.

I don't need no man.
354d               
5
DOGNIP @iloveskyrim71
Pro Tip: If you're a woman and you get sick of painting your toenails,
get real fat and then you won't have to!
354d               
9
2
Rob Thomas @RobotThomas
Trending now! Runners that match the four inches of underwear hanging over the top of your skinny jeans. Ya!!!
354d               
4
Kaitlyn McPenis @ktmcburr
I'm pretty sure this girl not only blocked me but is blocking and unfollowing all who RT me aka I'm doing twitter exactly fucking right.
354d               
21
7
Zulfa abrahams @Zulfa154
Hey smartasses on twitter, at least learn to fucking spell before you try to impress all in the twittersphere!
354d               
1
nick @SocialExtortion
*logs out of twitter and never looks back*

#myending
354d               
56
21
phicus @ManVsPuppet
Apparently you get arrested if you measure your penis size at the shoe store.
354d               
14
2
TJ @The_Mentalyst
Apparently shouting Freeze then pulling out a water gun and spraying cold water on an officer doesn't count as joke.

Ease on the cuffs Sir.
354d               
10
15
Terri @UncharmedLife
I don't understand why my friend is mad that I fucked her ex. When they broke up she told me "fuck that guy".
354d               
12
6
revious @revious
His wife doesn't let him build the baseball field. Or do anything fun. He's just a lonely alcoholic. #myending
354d               
10
3
Swishergirl @Swishergirl24
Every movie is Sharknado.

#myending
354d               
31
14
Saturated Fats @PharmerRPh
*Gets a real light saber*
*Accidentally cuts off body part within 30 seconds*
#myending
354d               
11
9
Jenny @BadassBarbie11
Jenny tells Forrest that the seat next to her is taken, then I never have to hear another person say my name like a retard again! #MyEnding
354d               
75
34
Little Bear @boobsareimplied
He's the penis to my vagina
354d               
16
4
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