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ιηкє∂ gσ∂∂єѕѕHΞLL2011-12-06
@alwayzintruble1,002 days
вιρσℓαя. ¢αηα∂ιαη. gуρѕу. тαттσσє∂. ριєя¢є∂. в∂ѕм. нυмαηιѕт. ι ∂ση'т вєℓιєνє ιη gσ∂, ѕσ ∂ση'т тяу тσ ¢нαηgє му мιη∂
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
8,6152,31537,20335232,515
We found 196 favorite tweets.
☜☆☞ Legion ☜☆☞ @SinLegion
I would die a million deaths before I'd let someone take my choice from me
46d               
7
3
BeardedSteel @BeardedSteel
Hey guys with girlfriends: She licks your balls! Buy her a dress, take her someplace nice on Friday night, and hold her doors open for her.
46d               
84
36
Mrs. Sassy Pants @TheDanielleRock
You know that space between would and should?

That's life.
46d               
127
94
MattZilla @mattZillaaaa
I love you & other things I hate about myself
46d               
48
21
Ortho Princess @L_Co13
I wish I got more creepy/dirty DMs.

I feel left out guys
46d               
3
Steve Suckington @SteveSuckington
You can't stop me from wearing this tank top. I have the right to bare arms.
46d               
187
103
C C @ScreaminMomX2
No sweetheart, people really don't want to hear the truth.
That's why we're all a bunch of liars.
46d               
10
miss charades @ShockTartBionic
Nice retweets you cheap bastard
47d               
31
13
OhSweetCharity @MyFairCharity
Can you overthink yourself to death?
47d               
96
56
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
He is the man in my heart and between my legs
47d               
145
82
Neil @youngestneil
You misinterpreted what I said. When I said I'd fuck you up. I meant against a wall.
47d               
183
81
Crêpe E. Phuquer @creepyphuquer
@alwayzintruble 9.99
47d in reply to alwayzintruble               
1
Vodka n Tots @Vodkantots
Teacher: Are you high?
Me: If I were high, could I do this?

*does absolutely nothing
47d               
296
180
JA @thatguyJA
I can't wait to judge how far you let yourself go all day today
47d               
4
Prince-Green Jr @PrinceGreenJr
Just when I thought I couldn't feel any more meh today happened....
47d               
28
14
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
I make it sound like I'm really disappointed in myself when I cum in 30 seconds.

But I'm not.
47d               
13
4
jinxed @Imjinxed2
One. two. three. and four

You're. still. a .fucking whore
47d               
36
23
Mr @SmartAssBastard
Fun fact:

If you cut off a white girls head

She'll still continue taking selfies for 3 minutes.
47d               
507
330
Rob Knows Stuff @ForeverHairy
4 (crying): I don't want sleep alone.

Me: Yes you do. Well in about 30 years at least.
47d               
20
5
moody monday @mdob11
A surprise party to let you know we're dating now.
47d               
983
454
Toxic Probably @ToxicProbably
Uh oh. Keep being cute and I might start subtweeting you.
47d               
61
42
Crazy Canuck @taps0420
Wish it was still the 90's so I could just break dance my way out of an awkward situation.
47d               
32
16
Mss Kiki E @MssKikiE
black [k]night whispers
tales of desire and torment
/a rare gift/
filling my thawed heart
with brilliant warmth
and hope
47d               
10
2
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
I didn't cry today.

Also didn't dance a jig, have sex, brush my hair or learn to knit.

I did drool a bit so life seems somewhat normal.
47d               
197
68
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
I still call all the strange men that come to my house in the middle of the night "Uncle".
47d               
18
8
Patrick McLellan @pmclellan
gang life isn't that bad imo. Lots of dancing in the street, great music, camaraderie, the murdering of innocents with stray bullets...
48d               
2
1
Toxic Probably @ToxicProbably
It's fine. I like being ignored.
48d               
109
70
Sweet Ass Andrea @Andee_Stewart
When you starve someone of attention you feed their insecurities
48d               
425
244
Mss Kiki E @MssKikiE
Influence my affilliative behaviors by inundating my brain with oxycontin. I mean oxytocin.
48d               
8
1
~Cindy~ @CindyNoPants
How soon after you finally get all your ducks in a row are you able to eat them?
48d               
84
33
Eggs.Smokes.Ex. @EggsSmokesEx
My skin was on fire while I was trying to sleep last night. A side effect of carbs and age.
How much damage can an airsoft gun do?
48d               
1
Tribesman Marc @The_Marcness
And apparently my phone corrects faceride to Facerideville..

I'm Ok with this
48d               
11
2
That Mothafucka™ @Sal0630
A deadly blow, seems like a pretty great way to go.
48d               
231
147
Sir Strange @Sir_Strange
Paradise is a place called nowhere.
48d               
69
49
Hollie McVicars @holliemcvicars
ten months ago today - i met my best friend, what a fantastic day.
48d               
5
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
I'm fairly certain that IKEA makes human hearts.

And that's why they're so damn hard to put back together when they break.
48d               
36
2
Intrinsic Alchemist @BrutalParagon
Work. It's what pays for dinner. My dinner anyway
48d               
5
1
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
Life is full of piles of crap with some happy shit buried underneath.
48d               
15
8
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
I delete what I don't want to see.
48d               
17
9
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
As long as you DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME, it'll all be good.
48d               
24
15
yvan @why_vann
You really gotta hand it to short people....
...cuz they usually cant reach it anyway
48d               
6
3
The Weeping Prophet @GaelicMohawk
The answer is: never
48d               
4
1
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
People ask me all the time “How do you star so fast?” the answer is simple, I’m a ninja wizard, that's right a mother fucking ninja wizard.
49d               
192
73
The Weeping Prophet @GaelicMohawk
Check your tone, bitch. I'll slap ya right in the b-hole
49d               
3
DIXINORMUS @dixinormus10
Girls who don't wear panties never have to worry about matching their bra and we can hang out. Bitches.
49d               
26
9
wussawilla @Chloestylo
You betray yourself first when you betray the trust of others..
49d               
68
27
StarkCity @StarkCity
How do you even throw ninja kicks in those skinny jeans bro?
49d               
11
10
MasochisticHell @MasochisticHell
Hell yeah I'll take advantage of you once I get you drunk.
49d               
16
4
CLIFFORD @CliffordMyers
People are eventually going to stop naming their children Tyler. I like that
49d               
6
Truculent @Truculent67
I'm 3 beers in love with you
49d               
188
116
The Eh Factor @AngelaEhh
Yes. I'm aware that i'm gross.

It's endearing, let it happen.
49d               
486
242
Nerf Herder @TrueTorontoGirl
I ignore myself enough for everyone.
49d               
66
28
Jeff @jeffcvo24
I haven't answered my house phone in 10 years.
49d               
38
18
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Oh, you're going to your beach house this weekend? That's cute. I don't even own luggage.
49d               
261
123
Enraged Asshole @maulingasshole
Saw a black guy walking with a boom box. Don’t blacks know that we have things called iPods? Or is there such a thing as ghetto hipsters?
49d               
10
2
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
Always assume nobody reads your tweets because that way you'll feel more free and can be more honest. Also because nobody reads your tweets.
49d               
44
40
Intrinsic Alchemist @BrutalParagon
I'll take one more glass of whiskey for win, Pat.

That's not how we play Wheel of Fortune, sir.
49d               
3
Melaine @Mel46290
Block me like the little bitch you are.
49d               
12
2
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
I am dying for 12 eggs, 15 slices of bacon, 4 pieces of toast and a stick of butter. So I'll eat this rice cake as a substitute.
49d               
43
13
Rhode Island Mike @littlemaclarge
By a show of hands how many of you are Masturbating with the other one?!......
49d               
7
3
JA @thatguyJA
I asked my wife what's wrong and now I'm late for work tomorrow
49d               
129
68
L'uk-El @Red_K_Superman
I'm thoroughly convinced that Twitter is secretly owned by a conglomerate of air lines and travel agencies!!
49d               
3
3
goo @goonumbertwo
i dunno about you guys, but i'm ready to suck todays dick.
49d               
11
3
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
Since I've moved to this country town I've seen 2 cats and over 30 bunnies.

They must fuck like rabbits out here.
49d               
89
13
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
"Wow those people who do drama on Twitter are so cool, they look so smart!" - said nobody ever.
49d               
14
2
moody monday @mdob11
*at the cat shelter*
Yes hi, where are the shopping carts?
49d               
1,900
1,301
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
If you love someone, don't hurt them. But if they hurt you, you gotta hurt them back. But if they love you, they won't hurt you.
49d               
15
26
Sir Strange @Sir_Strange
We fell in love...

As our food was brought to the table.
49d               
78
50
KWB @KittyWittyBang
I'm going to church and I'm going to pray for all of you because that's what Jesus would do. I hope you all come clean before judgement day.
49d               
8
2
Toxic Probably @ToxicProbably
Autocorrect is a filthy whore.
Not in the good way.
49d               
95
55
J @Its_Baldylockz
Long Island iced tea is just like regular iced tea except it sold its hockey team to a completely broke guy
49d               
48
25
J @Its_Baldylockz
Hey girl, are you Joe Theismann's leg cause I'm about to shatter you

Flirting is hard
49d               
78
29
Missy Slaughter @MizzSlaughter
Someone actually DMed me and informed me they were unfollowing because I was 'Surly'. I like that. Rhymes with my pubes. Curly.
50d               
4
HeWhoCanNotBeNamed @Machine_ov_Hate
I'm what's hiding under your bed
50d               
10
3
FollowTheBeard @RodneyH42
Yea I can do that

-me, right before I find out the hard way that I can't do that
50d               
22
15
Chewstroke @chewstroke
I hated you and i liked it.
50d               
45
21
SUNBELIEVABLE @SunnySideUp1987
Share a Coke with me so I know you're too cheap to buy me something gold and expensive.
50d               
173
97
Sir Strange @Sir_Strange
If you spread her legs, doesn't every woman have a thigh gap?
50d               
158
86
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
Some of you people are so full of crap I just want to stab you. Just sayin.
50d               
11
4
KWB @KittyWittyBang
I don't wear watermelon flavored or scented anything for safety purposes.
50d               
15
5
Doubting Thomas @Incognitoville
I think I am gonna drink some soda. I'm such a fucking rebel.
50d               
4
1
Steve Sinful @HornyDevilxxx
Some cool peeps followed me.

Some assholey cunts unfollowed me.

Stats of the day.
50d               
3
2
mιѕѕ єmιℓу @emily_starr
This human thing isn't really working out so well... Is it too late to change and just be a cat instead?
50d               
6
why? @knot_eye
You play beer pong, too!?
It's like we're Solo™ mates!
50d               
164
107
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
Um. No. You must be joking...
50d               
45
13
why? @knot_eye
You masturbate, too!?
It's like we're solo mates!
50d               
184
131
Angel Bunny @canadasnobaby
..I'll just slip out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini ..
50d               
26
4
Me,Myself & I @Rolltide_mn
What DOES Canada do in between Hockey seasons?
50d               
38
17
goo @goonumbertwo
i need a vicks back rub, because that's how i roll.
50d               
7
1
GinRumMe @GinRumMe
Emergency! Pull out!
50d               
10
1
I apologize @brianburchett24
how can I be good enough for u,
when I'm not even good for me..
50d               
50
22
Miss Moneypenny @_Ms_Moneypenny_
Always have important discussions via text. It's the perfect way to miscommunicate & get so frustrated you'll throw yourself into a volcano.
50d               
189
109
Tony Maguire @filmbizpro
Sorry dude, I don't speak "bro".
50d               
38
18
IG fusedude @fusedude
I must be one of the luckiest guys alive. I'm always getting blowjobs from girls that "Don't normally do this."
50d               
294
138
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
It's my twitter.

It's my real life.

It's the good and bad.

Sorry pieces of my brain got on you when it exploded.

Anyone want pie?
50d               
175
48
Missy Slaughter @MizzSlaughter
The firefights over Pakistan are beautiful in HD.
50d               
2
1
Sarcasmo @Sarcasmo718
You know what you can't unfollow? Freedom.
50d               
33
9
Missy Slaughter @MizzSlaughter
Can I light the fuse on your Tampon?
50d               
7
3
Drew Goo G'Joob @d2BMcG
Maybe she's born with it

I doubt it but maybe just maybe
50d               
166
86
MMMMMMark @Eightinchgoat
I was just reminded that Hashtags aren't cool. News Flash: We're all on Twitter … Ain't none of us cool!
50d               
91
47
RogueBastard @RogueGod
Some people talk too fucking much. Shut up already for fuck sake.
50d               
109
43
CANADIAN J'eh! @SharpesEyeView
Being ignored by almost three thousand strangers is a uniquely liberating experience I guess.
50d               
28
4
Fabulously Stepford @once_fabulous
Renovating my closet to accommodate my growing skeleton population
50d               
38
17
Missy Slaughter @MizzSlaughter
All these fuckers trying to yank my chain are adorable.
50d               
3
1
@twinanator @twinanator
I'm thinking I slap on my modified easter bunny outfit with the razor teeth and see what the kids at the local elementary school are doing.
50d               
26
2
The Robfather™ @thatUPSdude
You make TommyKarate look normal.
50d               
47
15
RogueBastard @RogueGod
As sure as you'll post a whiny poor me post, I'll star it. And I'm NOT doing it out of sympathy or empathy.

Suffer. Cunts.
50d               
51
12
.:. @TransaparenT
Let me tell you a little about loss. It's an echo... It's something you hear at the most unexpected times. It's you.
50d               
7
1
Prince-Green Jr @PrinceGreenJr
I've heard more interesting stories from a fax machine....
50d               
16
9
Prince-Green Jr @PrinceGreenJr
We're born with only two fear instincts, falling and loud noises so stfu about....

OH FUCK, A SPIDER....
50d               
19
8
DeeLiciousRockin' @TDeeRock
It's just some internet guy. It's never more and you're not different. No matter what he says.
50d               
18
5
PixieMuff @CherBear162
Single sad a virgin in your late 30's..No relationship experience whatsoever..But get a Twitter account suddenly you're the fucking Oracle.
50d               
13
2
Arrogant Twat @Arrogant_Twat
The cool thing about being an adult is, unless they're legislated, there are no rules.
50d               
16
3
Jack Mackenroth @jackmackenroth
Woman behind me at DMV: "You reek of marijuana."

Me: "Well you reek of Lane Bryant."
50d               
133
28
Rhode Island Mike @littlemaclarge
Do 'Any' of you shudder when I star and rt you?.........
50d               
2
Rico. @trashman74
Someone forgot to tell my company they freed the slaves.
50d               
5
notyourjester @Loli_Sug
Lighten up. It's just a joke about murdering a bunch of people.
50d               
29
7
Steve Sinful @HornyDevilxxx
The people who unfollow me won't be missed.

Because they're obviously tight assed cunts.

Know what I mean?
50d               
3
1
The Weeping Prophet @GaelicMohawk
It's cool if you forget about me. I'll always be here
50d               
5
3
Ink @Duke1173
Erect nipples are attention whores.
50d               
91
41
RogueBastard @RogueGod
I bet not one 'inspirational' tweet here has caused anyone to stop and change their life. No one cares and most mock the tweets. Cunts.
50d               
57
13
notyourjester @Loli_Sug
Slide down my rainbow into my cellar door
50d               
21
2
Intrinsic Alchemist @BrutalParagon
You can tell them all you want, it won't be heard in the same tone.
50d               
10
2
Pony Starwars @tigersgoroooar
When I die, I just want everyone at my funeral to sit there and solemnly quack in unison like they do on Mighty Ducks.
50d               
340
131
Rough Hands @RoughHanded
I'm sorry you're dying inside.
Take me with you?
50d               
50
18
Sarcasmo @Sarcasmo718
45 minutes of every Kardashian episode is watching them pack.
50d               
48
16
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Nothing like a screaming child in Walmart to remind me to purchase condoms.
50d               
367
180
Ink @Duke1173
A dream so real that you can feel it touch you...

Ok, maybe I'm touching myself while dreaming..

Same difference.
51d               
108
64
goo @goonumbertwo
my tweets are inspirational, i hope they all inspire you to go fuck yourself.
51d               
32
15
Puddin Cuddle-Thug @PuddingBoobs
@alwayzintruble pic.twitter.com/watsX5Y9PD
51d in reply to alwayzintruble               
9
4
CLIFFORD @CliffordMyers
Weirdos, losers, misfits and tramps! Lend me your stupid, ugly ears!
51d               
7
1
James CullenBressack @JamesCullenB
Is there a town in Indiana called Jones? I'd like to be from Indiana jones
51d               
29
5
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
I just have to wonder sometimes if they are hurting as much as they hurt me
51d               
316
175
Shōgun of Twîtter @shwebby3
Here I thought Alienate meant probing an ass

No wonder so many women freaked out in bed. Now I regret the prude comment...
51d               
70
26
Bob Heller @Bob_Heller
If you are at a bar watching the World Cup, at least you're at a bar.
51d               
57
24
Prince-Green Jr @PrinceGreenJr
If God was real his sex tape would definitely have been leaked by now....
51d               
17
9
goo @goonumbertwo
i can tell by the way your wife is eye-fucking me that you don't hit it right.
51d               
43
14
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
Standup comics spend half their time talking about how stupid television is and the other half trying to get on it.
51d               
168
59
Tony Maguire @filmbizpro
The sound of missing you, I hear it everywhere I go. The fucking silence is so loud.
51d               
28
11
StarkCity @StarkCity
No fucks shall be given on this sabbath day........ No really, god said.
51d               
21
14
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
The word "selfie" is way too overused, I'm starting to hate it.
51d               
4
1
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
If I could delete people's Twitter accounts, most of you cunts wouldn't be on here right now.
51d               
7
3
Neil @youngestneil
It's 'let me make you gag on my shaft as you deep throat' o'clock somewhere in the world.
51d               
32
8
why? @knot_eye
you say potato, i say peyote
51d               
272
164
RogueBastard @RogueGod
Why do people insist on dumping their entire draft folder at once? It's annoying and you are NOT funny. Just stop, cunts.
52d               
83
15
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
I just ate my breakfast and now I'm gonna go back to sleep. Wake me up when.. haha kidding, fuck off! Leave me alone!
52d               
11
2
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
1 out of every 4 girls is a whore. So look around.

Spot the whore?

Make that 2 out of 4.

Whore.
52d               
67
13
Toxic Probably @ToxicProbably
You and your twittercrush are annoying. There. I said it.
52d               
127
79
Jarhead @Jarhead44
Hey, weight loss commercials, sometimes I like her better in the "before" photo.
53d               
757
450
Mss Kiki E @MssKikiE
me
my neuroses
and I
53d               
38
23
Ohmyleah @_theigirl
Without help, none of us live.

@CanadianCyn family has suffered a great loss.
Please donate here under FIRE SUPPORT donatetoday.ca
53d               
19
20
I am CanadianCyn @CanadianCyn
My brother inlaw died getting his kids and wife out from a fire. They're 5, 7 and 11. I can't even comfort them. Its been less than 48 hours
53d               
81
23
goo @goonumbertwo
guys always notice your eyes before your tits.

how else do we know what blowjobs will be like?
54d               
23
5
Rock God @redpawn3
IF it were my child… I'd teach them not to eat or drink things from friends or strangers.

NOT create a false sense of security.
55d               
6
Puddin Cuddle-Thug @PuddingBoobs
I'm having beers to prepare for shaving my legs. I predict it's going to be a blood bath.
THESE TWEETS ARE FREE!
55d               
155
35
RogueBastard @RogueGod
Misery loves company. That's why I block overly happy and inspirational accounts. I want it raw and dirty. Cunts.
55d               
130
45
jacquelin @viciousbabydoll
Two people gored during the running of the bulls?

GOOD. It's a pity there weren't more.
55d               
13
4
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
You look so sad. Are you Brazilian?
55d               
8
2
TaintUrBalls @TaintUrBalls
...but..I was about to get into some gangsta shit.
55d               
25
15
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
OK, Brazil. You suck at soccer now. Now fix your fucking country.
55d               
108
43
Beware of XTC™ @missxtc604
@alwayzintruble Ummm kissing it is ONE of the things I would do to your ass LOL :-P hehehe
56d in reply to alwayzintruble               
1
Beware of XTC™ @missxtc604
@alwayzintruble HA you get a RT for this one :-P
56d in reply to alwayzintruble               
1
UCMEICU2 @ExploringUrMind
I'm going to drink beer. No vagina riots needed.
56d               
9
Darlene @SarcasticWonder
@alwayzintruble I just take notes
56d in reply to alwayzintruble               
1
TaintUrBalls @TaintUrBalls
I sure wish I had all that weed back that I've brushed off my pant legs over the years.
56d               
62
34
Fuck Your Account @NotAtAllFunny
When you die take me with you.
56d               
69
39
FUCKYOUSTUPIDFUCKS @_KOALA_HUG_
So I unfollowed this girl some days ago and wow I guess it pissed her off cuz now she's DMing my friends and insulting them. What a cunt!
56d               
10
1
Tribesman Marc @The_Marcness
There's really not an uncreepy way to tell someone you would wear them like a surgeon's mask
56d               
8
4
L'uk-El @Red_K_Superman
I always wonder what kind of mutant birth defect half face AVI's arehiding
56d               
3
ShotofCherye @CheryeDavis
But how can you be sure it's a horrible idea unless you give it a try.
56d               
516
393
DoesItMatter @LuvsOralFun
ProTip: I'm not a pro so be leery of any tips i give...
56d               
13
6
Prince-Green Jr @PrinceGreenJr
If you're pissed at me but haven't got the bollocks to actually say so I will just be extra fucking cheerful cos fuck you....
56d               
17
6
RogueBastard @RogueGod
Just watched a guy say his bible tells him being gay is linked to a mental defect. Glad I have a fucking brain and don't read the bible.
56d               
87
30
Boom @boom_goes_the
Next time I'll crop the thumbnail out of my dick pic.
56d               
6
1
Daniel Plainview @10InchesPlus
I might be lacking in accountability but it's all your fault.
56d               
157
98
RogueBastard @RogueGod
Sports aren't the problem. It's sports fans who are the tragedy.
56d               
67
18
tazz @noneofyours99
I'm sorry I'm not fake

Has never suited me

What you see is what you fucking get
56d               
44
16
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969
"It won't fit."
"Try a different angle."
"Ow!"
"Now, push back."
"It's too BIG."
"Switch positions."
"No WAY we're getting this couch in."
56d               
230
166
tazz @noneofyours99
Don't forget to tell someone to fuck the fuck off today
56d               
67
40
Nurse Rotten @Nichole_Lindsey
Will buying a new pair of shoes make me a better person?

YES!
56d               
7
Spanky McDutcherson @thatdutchperson
Shut the fuck up, Karen, Leonardo isn't anyone's favorite turtle.
56d               
33
10
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
This fucking funny, witty man must be followed ---> @luvstank
56d               
3
DJ Dishpan Hands @aimeevc1970
I want a job in the quality control department of a vibrator factory.
56d               
20
4
Rhode Island Mike @littlemaclarge
Sometimes when someone follows me I think...."Are you Sure?".....
56d               
9
5
Wonder Woman @TheSweetestD_
Yes, you can get a ride with me but I'm going straight to hell.
56d               
59
24
Shelly @SheOverAnalyzes
She's pretty and funny. Let's rip her to shreds.

~petty women
56d               
342
183
MMMMMMark @Eightinchgoat
Hey Beastie Boys:

It's been almost 30 years and I still haven't made it to Brooklyn. Can't I take a little nap? Or at least rest my eyes?
56d               
91
44
Ryan Gosling the 3rd @SuchaDumbWorld
Dump him. You're better off with me.

Shit sorry, I must have accidentally pocket texted you.
56d               
39
12
Burning In HD @BurningInHD
Things I think about when I wake up:

- I'M LATE! FUCK!!!
- wait, what day is it?
-
- omg I had a wet dream
56d               
12
3
i'm_a_ballerina @Browneyed_mama
I totally recommend that. @luvstank @alwayzintruble
56d in reply to goonumbertwo               
3
TeeJay A.O.M.U @TeejayRush
Sorry I can't make it to your wedding, bro. If you let me know when the date of the next one, I'll try and make that...
56d               
23
15
Rob Knows Stuff @ForeverHairy
A panic room but for when the wife comes home right when the laptop screen gets frozen while watching porn.
56d               
10
3
Vinnie A @GroupieNo1
RT if you don't wipe your own ass.
56d               
2
1
st✪✪pid @st00pidfast
Some bowls were just not designed for cereal.
56d               
4
1
goo @goonumbertwo
guys, one third of your life will be spent explaining things to women, find one who gives fantastic hummers.
56d               
39
14
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Make sure to censor your tweets so that strangers don't think you're a f*cking degenerate.
56d               
72
22
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