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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
Professor Freedom2011-08-09
@Professor_Frey1,117 days
100% killing machine
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
3402444,6801621
We found 196 favorite tweets.
GregGutfeld @greggutfeld
they say i destroyed @rustyrockets today, but he did it all on his own. mediaite.com/tv/gutfeld-fir…
2d               
189
124
tortilla chip ben @collegeben
this middle aged guy in stats class is talking about to sleep apnea to anyone who will listen.
3d               
7
Ari Shaffir @AriShaffir
I love my fans!!!! pic.twitter.com/dsvIgdPtSd
3d               
189
45
Dan Williams @Dan_in_Ft_Worth
@PzFeed @Professor_Frey good thing Obama is done with vacation so he can get on this!
4d in reply to PzFeed               
1
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Exclusive footage of Susan B. Anthony watching Beyoncé's performance. pic.twitter.com/jeWrHDPXMQ
4d               
61
23
Patrick Brazil @Geddy5
@AnthonyCumia @adamlevine Adam, just you saying the word music gives me douche chills. You are not a musician.
4d in reply to AnthonyCumia               
1
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
You can tell Beyoncé is a true feminist because she shows her pussy and boobs a lot.
4d               
40
6
Jim Norton @JimNorton
I love that Snoop gave a shout out to the Long Beach Crips on MTV. I Just hope they bleep all marijuana references.
4d               
181
95
Anthony Cumia @AnthonyCumia
RT @Hrc04:you gonna delete more tweets tonight and pretend nothing happened?

-How bout u just RT them. Then no one will see them.
4d               
113
18
NeilDaGrassfedBison @robo_junkie
Obama From The Train #presidentialmovies
4d               
4
Jay Garza @ichiban308
@Professor_Frey @joshuaua20 @OpieRadio if theres 2 things the Internet DOESN'T need is the Ice Bucket Challenge and rationality. Also trolls
5d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
stefan @boring_as_heck
RT if you remember when lyrics used to mean something: pic.twitter.com/uIO4PvMhU4
9d               
7,123
5,232
podcast mike @dogboner
the pee pee man @toddstarnes has a hot take to share with everyone. everyone listen to the guy who drinks his own pee pic.twitter.com/XkXvfEcISI
10d               
138
34
Pastor George Luther @PastorG16
OK @MarcoAndretti time get out there & work your way to P1 @FollowAndretti #IndyFest #IndyCar @Professor_Frey @MarcoZone @Marcoteers
12d               
2
Josh @Livestock
This megaphone is a tax write-off because I'm in the business of being loud.
14d               
7
1
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Every member of ISIS was exposed to the music of Dave Matthew's Band at a very early age.
17d               
23
6
CCCP @MRmiash
@vicenews good...
18d in reply to vicenews               
1
rob delaney @robdelaney
I am literally going to win a Pulitzer: pic.twitter.com/7ug1knDyzY
24d               
3,070
649
Slim Jim @SlimJim
Thanks for being a consistent fan of Slim Jim @BBlogger25. DM us a mailing address and we'll send you a meaty surprise!
28d               
5
1
The Stand NYC @TheStandNYC
To everyone harrassing us over having @AriShaffir as a performer at The Stand this is for you. pic.twitter.com/DOhYBeXsu6
30d               
466
290
Chad Verrino @clotuscreature
@Professor_Frey @Onnit Haha! I knew i'd get called out on that. Tried to find some adj. not commonly used to describe coffee. Quite good tho
30d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
tyler rothrock @tylerrothrock
The pawshank redemption #DogMovies @midnight
31d               
2
Haveing a accident @bonerhitler
Hey bulleys pic.twitter.com/mHQ8d0kxZ6
33d               
13
2
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
Has anything ever been more aptly named than the Mercury Mystique? pic.twitter.com/cqkfK8bqjY
34d               
1,200
479
jon hendren @fart
Enter Command:
> CHALLENGE GRANDMA
You challenge Grandma.
Grandma flees!
You have earned 45 XP.
You found SOUP.
You found WIG.
37d               
574
211
ICE T @FINALLEVEL
Back stage at the APMAS with the OG 'Misfits' pic.twitter.com/RrL44lVLmu
38d               
173
73
Todd Stoudt @RealToddS
Percentage of chance to win fatal 4-way #wwebattleground

Reigns: 1%
Orton: 3%
Kane: -134%
Cena: 130%
39d               
2
Thynebear @Thynebear
*slowly stirs mocha frappuccino*
I get most of my foreign policy updates from Facebook
39d               
154
49
Do You Eat Ass? @DoUEatAss
RT @DVSblast: i always think i want to eat tamales but whenever i see em im like "nah not these, ones in cartoons"
41d               
18
2
The Interrobang @TheIBang
A New Day. A New Weird Al Video, "First World Problems" | ow.ly/zlPv0
41d               
1
Greg @weedguy420boner
Why does this seem kind of erotic vine.co/v/MQLh5Jh66ua
41d               
16
Al Yankovic @alyankovic
WORLD PREMIERE! New music video #WordCrimes up now!! #MandatoryFun #8videos8days smarturl.it/WordCrimesVid
45d               
2,062
3,221
pat donovan @pointbreakmask
"Can I interest you in a takeout menu from a really good Chinese food place a few blocks from here?" - the best waiter at TGI Fridays
45d               
71
8
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
@dubstep4dads you’re an awful human being
46d in reply to dubstep4dads               
82
Erik Miller @ErikMiller3
Marilyn Monroe had 3 failed marriages, multiple affairs with married men and died in a pool of her own vomit.

Yet every girl quotes her.
46d               
33,853
39,120
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
I hope this victory doesn't unite Germany TOO much, if you know what I mean....
47d               
91
37
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Going to bed early tonight, guys, so if anybody needs my secret ambrosia salad recipe later, you're out of luck.
52d               
225
61
Anthony Cumia @AnthonyCumia
RT @Chris_Najdek: Racist Ant explaining the "one in the pool @ a time"rule to @DruBoogie #StandWithAnt pic.twitter.com/6n0sH7kooH

-Haha, Jesus.
52d               
358
119
rob delaney @robdelaney
Germany, relax! They're not Poland.
52d               
6,453
5,023
slick @fanofhell
Brazil did nazi that coming & by that I mean Germany scoring a Brazilian goals which is the most scoring since I was with ur mom last night
52d               
72
38
Chick Mangione @boxofmillipedes
twitter is a cool place to interact with #brands like denny's and the cia
53d               
162
66
Matt @stoudty1
@RealToddS @Professor_Frey the camera guy was impressed with his hair
53d in reply to RealToddS               
1
Jason Miller @longwall26
It's exciting when a bar & grill restaurant calls itself a "grill & bar" because I'm, like, what am I even getting myself into here?
53d               
117
15
Stop Apologizing USA @GrovelingUSA
10,000 Strong #StandWithAnt change.org/en-GB/petition… @DruBoogie @mondo270 @RacistFrancesa @StevenBayShore @DJWhooKid @MIKEBOCCHETTI
53d               
47
59
Stop Apologizing USA @GrovelingUSA
Maybe the great @joerogan will address #StandWithAnt tonight ustream.tv/joerogan
54d               
16
12
Stop Apologizing USA @GrovelingUSA
.@joerogan Will you address the @AnthonyCumia situation? It needs more attention from comics #StandWithAnt
54d               
39
38
Jason Miller @longwall26
*wakes up in a pile of spent fireworks and bird carcasses* Did we win, is it still Freedom?
55d               
177
47
Gavin McInnes @Gavin_McInnes
And of course Sirius can fire who they want. I just hate seeing you all revel in thought policing like pigs in shit.
55d               
109
44
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
You put the bro in cystic fibrosis.
55d               
23
8
Stop Apologizing USA @GrovelingUSA
People may say we're "wasting our time". Well doing nothing is worse. Get #JusticeForAnt trending Cancel @SIRIUSXM
55d               
47
53
Stop Apologizing USA @GrovelingUSA
Hey @DollarShaveClub @TrojanBrands We're all pulling our support from @SIRIUSXM for firing @AnthonyCumia just so you know #JusticeForAnt
56d               
60
74
Keith Groller @KeithGroller
Lots of photos from my recent visit for dinner and a tour of @MarcoAndretti's absolutely amazing house. blogs.mcall.com/groller/2014/0… #lvvarsity
56d               
11
7
Ralphie May @Ralphie_May
Hey @AnthonyCumia I know you hate me but what's going on with the media coverage of you is bullshit. Keep your head up.
57d               
80
36
PicPedant @PicPedant
.@ThatsEarth Photo of a lion by Dave M. Hunt, taken in Yorkshire Wildlife Park: flic.kr/p/cKdQ2d
57d in reply to ThatsEarth               
4
1
jon hendren @fart
looks like the price of illegal fireworks… Has skyrocketed……. pic.twitter.com/FwNmgrtNKz
57d               
343
81
dance, dance, dance! @kind_of
Get Off My Laaaaaannnnd !!!!! pic.twitter.com/3S6ERocdYR
58d               
8
3
PicPedant @PicPedant
.@BabyAnimalPics @EarthPix That's a hamster. cuteoverload.com/2014/01/30/ham…
59d in reply to BabyAnimalPics               
5
2
PJ Chesson @pjchesson
I mean seriously! Tim Howard played an unreal game, the rest of em sucked! Sorry
59d               
2
1
wdmfn @woodmuffin
i wish autocorrect would stop changing "sewage" to "new age", my description of Enya's music was accurate the first time
59d               
41
1
DVS @DVSblast
.@Yahoo this is maybe greedy but...can we bring back Just Shoot Me too or nah?
60d               
32
7
Marcoteers © @Marcoteers
@Professor_Frey we should start a hash tag #youjustgotSatoed lol
61d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
Bill Burr @billburr
Hey Belgium...Ya sweet beer drinkin so and so's. You got a big loss coming up on Saturday. #JeanClaudeCantHelpYou
61d               
381
381
Todd Stoudt @RealToddS
Well @Professor_Frey it appears @IndyCar does make up rules as they go...morefrontwing.com/2014/06/29/wal…
61d               
1
Thynebear @Thynebear
Well technically aren't all feminists heroine addicts?
61d               
341
178
NCO11 @NCO61
@Professor_Frey Article about you was bad ass man!. Hope you're dong alright.
61d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
Mick Foley @realmickfoley
My son Dewey is recovering from a NASTY dog bite, while rescuing a lost dog. Send a get well wish to @DeweyHaveTo pic.twitter.com/LsNwuTipNj
61d               
141
47
Care Bear™ @AndrettiAngel25
This made me think of you Tim @Professor_Frey #Merica 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/OJYcxQR6JF
63d               
1
Gina Gretta @Gretta_Gina
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! Tonight :) Tune in if you're not busy!!!
64d               
1
Will Sasso @WillSasso
Heading to Regina for 12hrs to take part in the @CornerGas movie! Hope @BrentButt and @MillerGabrielle will have time to show me the sights!
69d               
106
31
ICE T @FINALLEVEL
LOL!!! > RT @cab700: @FINALLEVEL institutionalized 2014 #bodycount pic.twitter.com/OOkFCfouwV
69d               
44
19
jon hendren @fart
on my resume i misspelled “jack of all trades” as “jack off all trades” and now a guy in a welding mask is ringing my doorbell with his dick
79d               
546
128
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Old lady next to me on this flight KICKING ASS on her Search-a-Word.
79d               
246
43
Jim Norton @JimNorton
. @iamcolinquinn This tweet actually made me recoil.
80d in reply to iamcolinquinn               
67
8
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
"business as usual" they like to say. Well, not on my watch. I'm steering the ship now! Cap'n CQ of the SS IDGAC!
80d               
84
24
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
I greatly admire the confidence of a guy who can sit down on the toilet in a public restroom and immediately begin loudly shitting.
81d               
76
20
Gina Gretta @Gretta_Gina
Note: Never go to Home Depot alone. Ever. #Believe
81d               
2
rob delaney @robdelaney
.@LAPD male teen just took 3 energy drinks in front of my condo & is yelling at my wife about memes i am terrified
82d               
1,733
547
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
I forgot to bring money to get into this LARPing event. I have forgotten my Renaissance fare.
82d               
32
4
Thad Frick @ThadFrick
Pro debut was a success. God damn is this shit fun
82d               
6
Care Bear™ @AndrettiAngel25
@Professor_Frey @PastorG16 LMAO omg Timy you crack me up! to think they gave him guns! #Scary
82d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
Todd Stoudt @RealToddS
I miss Walter White.
85d               
2
1
Pingo, Urple Pingo @UrplePingo
#StuffObamaWontTellUs boners make the bad pee
86d               
35
4
Slim Jim @SlimJim
Slim Jims fuel air guitar…or fire guitar, whichever one you’re better at. pic.twitter.com/Ll6MDqLUV8
86d               
3
1
Rich McCarthy @Rich_McCarthy
I boo very loudly whenever I see the old lady Rose in Titanic. She deserves none of my respect.
90d               
50
11
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
There's a 50/50 chance that Billy Joel is running his car into a tree right now.
90d               
23
7
Mombay Mombles @maebemarbles
Yeah dude, I've got the chicken pops.
-you mean pox?
Nope.
"mustached chicken in an easy chair lowers his newspaper, puffing on a pipe*
90d               
80
25
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
90d               
1,699
843
Todd Stoudt @RealToddS
They interviewed 400% more drivers for Race 1 at Detroit than the Indianapolis 500. Anyone else think that's odd? #IndyCar
90d               
1
Todd Stoudt @RealToddS
Fuck Will Power. #IndyCar
90d               
2
KING RAINHEAD @KingRainhead
earth sucks nothing works. only like 2 volcanoes ever go off. have to wash dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. so tired of this shit
90d               
3,422
1,838
Haveing a accident @bonerhitler
When the bae says she wants to see the new Adam sandler movie pic.twitter.com/16BazvN1rn
91d               
4
2
Digital Daniel @BronzeHammer
im the army guy in all the movies who doesn't do what he's told until someone says, "and that's an order". like i forgot how the army works
92d               
30
7
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Have you been working out because you look like an asshole
93d               
209
92
єaяƒ ʕ•̮͡•ʔ dæ @earfdae
[doctor walks in to give teen diagnosis]
I'm sorry, Brittnee, you are literally dying. I estimate it's only 4-6 months until you can't even.
93d               
31
16
Jim Norton @JimNorton
. @MikeWhite81 If that's the message you're getting from what I'm saying, you're probably too stupid to be following me.
94d in reply to MikeWhite81               
84
14
podcast mike @dogboner
@fart @Number1TCOT @ashleyeleanor @jakefogelnest @andylevy Jon tcot doesn't stand for top clown on twitter
94d in reply to fart               
25
Jim Norton @JimNorton
. @AnnHornaday You actually posted that pig's 'final message'? You gave him what he wanted more than Hollywood ever could.
#MediaVultures
95d               
164
69
Dan @Back2ThePile
@Professor_Frey @AriShaffir I know. I enjoyed the weird sexual undertones of mothra seeking a nuke to put in her snatch. Whatever that was.
95d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
stefan @boring_as_heck
I open my laptop in an important business meeting, my browser open to the Google results for "how did the dog from independence day survive"
95d               
364
107
The Iron Sheik @the_ironsheik
Wake me up before you go GO FUCK YOURSELF #MakeASongDepressing @midnight
98d               
1,079
653
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
If you fans don't like it you can keep quiet (shut your traps) or you can debate me ( be put in chokehold). The choice is yours. (mine)
100d               
97
33
DVS @DVSblast
Cannibal Corpse single "We're Almost Out Of Loganberries In The Pantry. I'll Ring Pierre" called "a thrilling return to brutality"
101d               
85
20
Pingo, Urple Pingo @UrplePingo
"Blast me in the chunk-hole Potsie" -Arthur "the Fonz" Fonzarelli
101d               
12
2
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
You can get most things at the 99 cent store for even cheaper by brandishing a two-handed broadsword.
101d               
15
4
Todd Stoudt @RealToddS
@Professor_Frey we seem to agree on the important topics of the day. Springsteen and Godzilla. And a cactus.
102d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
opie radio @OpieRadio
Lorde looks like the wicked witch of the west in mid melt.
103d               
77
46
Thad Frick @ThadFrick
Arguing with idiots is like playin chess w/ a pigeon.No matter how good u are,the bird is goin to shit on the board & act like it won anyway
103d               
2
Haveing a accident @bonerhitler
Look at this. FUCKING LOOK AT THIS!!! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING TRUCK!!!!! pic.twitter.com/wWDHgO682V
103d               
16
4
eric @dubstep4dads
me: bae have u seen my hat?
bae: I saw it in your car
me: Ok
bae: did u find it?
me: pic.twitter.com/OIJokMBH5e
103d               
309
131
Degenerate Gandhi @Bro_Pair
@DrBlueJeanns @voxdotcom *consults plastic Fisher-Price card* it would appear the answer is, no
103d in reply to DrBlueJeanns               
7
Katt WilliamsFerrell @KattWillFerrell
bae: come over

me: I can't I'm playing Video games

bae: my parents aren't home

me: pic.twitter.com/MVCVQZSiQL
105d               
506
144
Top. Men. @borgmamel
@CBS, put on @normmacdonald and i'll go from NEVER watching your network, to watching EVERY SINGLE WEEKNIGHT. #latelatenormnorm
105d in reply to CBS               
12
2
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
Obviously beef contains hormones cows have like 6 tits I think
105d               
135
14
Edward Z. Adams @EZAdams_Comic
@AnthonyCumia @cb74745 I believe its spelled with a nigg not a stal
106d in reply to AnthonyCumia               
3
1
Jason Miller @longwall26
But I'd made a mistake, son. An awful mistake. I'd typed "your" instead of "you're." *takes a swig of scotch* And I was about to get served.
106d               
101
22
Sean Thomason @TheThomason
Doesn't seem like Satan really gets the whole concept of "masks." pic.twitter.com/uoqY1aqRyu
106d in reply to TheThomason               
107
24
Daniel Ralston @danielralston
Johnny Depp's calendar. pic.twitter.com/FsxjdQc2xo
106d               
115
29
Greg @weedguy420boner
There are people whose livelihood depends on Patton Oswald doing epic trolls for them to report on
106d               
38
4
Comedy Central @ComedyCentral
#InsideAmy gets deep with @JimNorton pic.twitter.com/TbUTU2tvj4
107d               
354
163
Thynebear @Thynebear
[NEW] TROJAN - FIERI & ICE™ Lubricated Condoms !!!! Available at @FieriAndIce .com and a skate shop near you! pic.twitter.com/4IRuzRMYqi
107d in reply to Thynebear               
155
80
Abby Martin @AbbyMartin
Cop sexually assaults woman, woman defends herself & is found guilty of felony assault, faces 7 yrs: bit.ly/SVx25p #Justice4Cecily
108d               
48
137
chris @BassoonJokes
ill admit, i have some concerns about how craig ferguson will end his late night tenure pic.twitter.com/yI6qNVaPDY
108d               
30
6
IndyCar Series @IndyCar
Current top 3: @MarcoAndretti @jpmontoya @CarlosMunoz034 #Indy500 #IndyCar
109d               
14
14
Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt
Guy who wrote the essay about unfollowing me has, since writing it, mentioned me 20+ times, directly Tweeted me twice & RT'd me 3 times.
110d               
2,122
452
jon hendren @fart
im singing "breakin the law" but i have changed the words to "pettin the dog" and you guessed it, i'm petting some dogs
112d               
235
54
Rich Lowtax Kyanka @lowtax
I don't believe I have an ethnicity. I don't believe I have a gender. I don't believe I am a human being. All I believe in is tumblr.
112d               
89
66
Jason Miller @longwall26
Be sure to take me camping if you need someone in the group to remind you how fucking stupid camping is.
112d               
150
39
DVS @DVSblast
OUTTA THESE THOUSANDS OF ART FESTIVAL PATRONS I ONLY GOT RECOGNIZED ONCE...SO LIKE...I GET IT...YALL FOOLS ONLY *KINDA* INTO ART
112d               
24
1
PJ Chesson @pjchesson
@MarcoAndretti @Martakrupa happy bday Marta. I hope ole marty gives ya a few birthday spankins.
112d in reply to MarcoAndretti               
2
Marco Andretti @MarcoAndretti
Birthday dinner for @Martakrupa . andrettimario instagram.com/p/nwg7Dvgk7l/
113d               
17
2
jon hendren @fart
this edible underwear is actually extremely uncomfortable. its just a huge crouton. it hurts to walk
113d               
239
55
PJ Chesson @pjchesson
@Professor_Frey: Spotted @pjchesson on the highway today! pic.twitter.com/4MRWQKrVlf”- I ran over a Prius just before that pic was taken.
113d in reply to Professor_Frey               
2
David Hughes @david8hughes
[in Walmart]
"Excuse me, do you have towels?"
"Oh, I don't work here."
[leans in close]
"I don't give a shit where you work."
113d               
3,509
2,046
Jen Selter @JenSelter
:) pic.twitter.com/g6EMRWd7LY
114d               
4,798
1,299
Stuart @stuartcattell
@Professor_Frey half your age +7, they're too old for "real men".
114d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
Ricky Gervais @rickygervais
Comedically, @pattonoswalt is possibly the bravest & uncompromisingly brilliant tweeter out there.
114d               
1,342
441
Michael Russell @RomSteady
@pattonoswalt Perhaps @coolsexguy is implying that you forced "rape" into his head against his wishes. After all, "know" means "know."
114d in reply to pattonoswalt               
420
35
jae @JayUhOh
Top Ukrainian game shows:
• Slap-A-Putin
• Eat Rocks Live
• Potato Threat!
• Where Is The Hospital?
114d               
79
27
podcast mike @dogboner
kill it pic.twitter.com/mI7SjzpNlg
115d               
70
14
jon hendren @fart
i'm a buttmunch, i stink, and my clothes fit poorly. but i'm also like the zorro of pussy eating so i'm actually really cool
116d               
132
22
jon hendren @fart
amazing how technology went from charming robotic singing fish to drone aircraft armed with hellfire missiles in the span of like 2 years
117d               
222
71
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
119d               
3,014
1,853
Xanax Papa @diarrhea
bootleg bart shirts make my soul very pleased pic.twitter.com/qTPnu6pA8B
119d               
12
2
Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan
When someone calls you a human garbage can, that’s a compliment right?
120d               
718
332
Jen Selter @JenSelter
pic.twitter.com/BH8V5CU0jD
122d               
4,694
785
Demetri Williams @BigBlakD
Sooo.... tomorrow's my last day at work... kinda crazy...
122d               
4
ICE T @FINALLEVEL
TODAYS NOTICE:If you come on MY Twitter page.. Telling ME how to Talk,Joke,Pics issues.You will be BLOCKED. Cut to the chase. Just UNFOLLOW
123d in reply to FINALLEVEL               
149
64
heather newman @heathernewmanrt
@Professor_Frey Marcos in second with like 16 minutes left to go. Dixon is in 3 not able to pass Marco yet
124d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
Broga Pants @crunkdumpster
YO YO YO IT'S YA BOI "DJ VIBEKILLER" COMIN' AT YA LIVE WITH ANOTHER CLUB-BUMPIN' SINGLE. LET'S GOOOOOO!!!

*plays a Nickelback song*
124d               
242
145
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
@Fred_Delicious I wish you were like Ned Flanders' wife
125d in reply to Fred_Delicious               
102
4
Brian Essbe @SortaBad
[on a first date]
"...and then at the bottom, OUT OF NOWHERE, the cop starts breakdancing. hilarious"
125d               
272
43
Patrick M @MrBikferd
haha I made an autocorrect shortcut on my mom's phone to replace dirty laundry with the text of Ulysses #lol #momfail pic.twitter.com/cc63FUb8m7
126d               
9,833
7,038
opie radio @OpieRadio
. @YouTube NO WAY that my News Airs Giant Cameltoe youtube.com/watch?v=c_4tim… should be yanked for copyright infringement. Falls under fair use
127d               
58
30
Jim Norton @JimNorton
Attention everyone: if you're offended by humor, you're a cunt. Thanks.
127d               
732
588
jon hendren @fart
welp, pic.twitter.com/nDU5lBb5jv
127d               
196
14
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
Morgan Freeman looks like he's been doing his own taxes since he was 7 pic.twitter.com/MHVZY4Upvy
127d               
741
392
Mario Andretti @MarioAndretti
@LuccaAndretti: Feeling really hated rn by everyone at my school.”is it because you're wearing Prada shoes?
127d in reply to LuccaAndretti               
37
14
NeilDaGrassfedBison @robo_junkie
#nowplaying #whatsontv pic.twitter.com/1qBmkTGVTu
128d               
9
Isaac @WorldofIsaac
Probably the hottest "soccer mom" I know RT @michellebbbbbb: #swimsuitshopping
#andfoldinglaundry
#soccermomstatus pic.twitter.com/x8NGF9NmZY
128d               
10
2
opie radio @OpieRadio
Happy Earth Day - moving our garbage from here to there to make us feel better about ourselves.
129d               
63
62
Larry @VocabuLarry
@robo_junkie this guy is literally dead and that is so not ok
129d in reply to robo_junkie               
4
1
Larry @VocabuLarry
Can't wait for the reboot series It Was Hella Murder, She Texted.
129d               
37
6
Jay Orwig @JayOrwig
We are expecting...A BOY!! 👼💙 pic.twitter.com/RAyxqBXTdt
130d               
7
Pingo, Urple Pingo @UrplePingo
#IGotAThingFor the Truth pic.twitter.com/cETnjqQS33
130d               
94
30
DVS @DVSblast
everyone in NBA laugh when i say "orange circle is scary egg with devil horse inside" except Jordan. he knows. he weeps cuz he knows
131d               
77
25
Al Yankovic @alyankovic
Don't you just hate it when you drink a whole cup of Easter egg dye thinking that it's iced tea? #HappyPAASover
132d               
700
372
lawblob @lawblob
the longlasting popularity of chuck-e-cheese is due to the powerful appeal of a giant rat cooking your food & playing with your kids
132d               
805
363
Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt
THANK YOU, @cracked. Please read this, Social Justice Warriors. And know that I love you: bit.ly/Ry5tP9
132d               
560
245
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
I love laughter. So what? I'm not gonna apologize for it.
133d               
96
51
chad dukes @chaddukes
In honor of @OandAshow's Unmasked tonight, I'm giving away a lil @JimNorton prize pack. pic.twitter.com/ljnrNeQBOS
134d               
54
24
South Park @SouthPark
Who's your favorite? RT this for Towelie. Fave for ManBearPig. pic.twitter.com/1QXmnKDzIF
135d               
770
1,287
KristiYamaGucciMane @mrbillding
This girl in Subway today really thought they were looking for Malaysia. The country. I didn't even intervene.
135d               
74
22
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Remember that time Jenny McCarthy singlehandedly cured her son of the autism that he ended up actually not having?
135d               
33
14
blopt @blopt
If you celebrate Passover on an overpass you go back in time.
135d               
100
59
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Travel tip: Europeans like it when I chant "Death to America."
136d               
192
56
DVS @DVSblast
now when your teacher asks u "OH SO U PISSED AWAY ALL DAY ON THAT DAMN ONLINE HUH?" u could be like "NAH BUT DVS TAUGHT US SHIT TOO"
136d               
23
2
Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan
RIP @OttoAndGeorge
136d               
127
44
rob delaney @robdelaney
.@BarackObama My wife keeps getting texts from my karate teacher & giggling & won’t let me see them. Is this because of blood moon.
136d               
1,375
479
NBC Sports @NBCSports
This guy could be the next owner of your Buffalo Bills. tw.nbcsports.com/u9j pic.twitter.com/yoABdcznob
136d               
27
46
podcast mike @dogboner
bundy ranch... is that the new dorito flavor. I posted this one a couple days ago but maybe some folks didnt see it. lemme know
137d               
89
6
thebusiness man @GrapeSodaJamb
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall pic.twitter.com/pEwdPJuXk8
137d               
47
20
Jen Selter @JenSelter
and time for some booty work outside pic.twitter.com/ex04XZSe5W
138d               
4,775
879
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Hey @Number1TCOT, why don't you ask @chuckwoolery about the time he had SADDAM HUSSEIN on "Love Connection?" pic.twitter.com/eWReDP808P
138d in reply to Number1TCOT               
100
14
Good Opinion Havr @asimplesean
.@alivingiano I'm going to call this number 19 times a day. Everyone should all this number and pretend to be Buzzfeed targets
138d in reply to asimplesean               
8
1
Good Opinion Havr @asimplesean
.@alivingiano @QueenDemetriax_ you people are fucking sensationalist leeches
138d in reply to alivingiano               
9
Thad Frick @ThadFrick
Got the dogfight I wanted! Along with the title. Closing the book on chapter 1! Awesome ride so far
138d               
2
Thomas Murray @theTomMurray
@JimNorton @MelissaBachman I hope she gets mauled by a wild animal #streetjustice #woodsjustice
138d in reply to JimNorton               
1
Horton @crushingbort
What brings me to the forbidden Temple of the Jade Skull? Well sir I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in seeing the jade skulls here
139d               
157
44
Ryan Beck @ImRyanBeck
@JimNorton @MelissaBachman just last week she took a picture with Rich Vos' career
139d in reply to JimNorton               
1
1
Joanna Krupa @joannakrupa
Poor @MarcoAndretti I m like the annoying big sis 😘 #indy #25 pic.twitter.com/7m2fgG9A3M
139d               
79
15
Mikey B @the_mikeyb1246
@JimNorton @MelissaBachman her brain's in every one tss tss, so fawk yeah..
139d in reply to JimNorton               
2
Amber @Amburglar_
Hey high schoolers: for most of you, this is your peak.
141d               
54
26
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Going to London tomorrow for a vacation. Should be fun to go "down under."
142d               
132
22
Haveing a accident @bonerhitler
HAHA! Man. This is good as h*ck!! Rofl!!!! pic.twitter.com/YTHCQv7ZVb
142d               
9
2
plesaent man @Swell_Bro
i finally stood up to my cowoerker and admitted to being the one who printe 70 pages of different kinds of bridges so i can colour them
143d               
12
4
Mike @mikeparty
biscotti is food for ppl who keep track of Jennifer aniston's hair style
143d               
111
43
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