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LORD HUMONGOUS2011-08-09
@Professor_Frey983 days
100% killing machine
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
3382314,4751450
We found 193 favorite tweets.
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
I love laughter. So what? I'm not gonna apologize for it.
7h               
84
46
chad dukes @chaddukes
In honor of @OandAshow's Unmasked tonight, I'm giving away a lil @JimNorton prize pack. pic.twitter.com/ljnrNeQBOS
16h               
54
22
South Park @SouthPark
Who's your favorite? RT this for Towelie. Fave for ManBearPig. pic.twitter.com/1QXmnKDzIF
1d               
691
1,189
not the plug @mrbillding
This girl in Subway today really thought they were looking for Malaysia. The country. I didn't even intervene.
2d               
73
22
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Remember that time Jenny McCarthy singlehandedly cured her son of the autism that he ended up actually not having?
2d               
33
15
blopt @blopt
If you celebrate Passover on an overpass you go back in time.
2d               
82
48
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Travel tip: Europeans like it when I chant "Death to America."
2d               
190
62
DVS @DVSblast
now when your teacher asks u "OH SO U PISSED AWAY ALL DAY ON THAT DAMN ONLINE HUH?" u could be like "NAH BUT DVS TAUGHT US SHIT TOO"
3d               
22
2
Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan
RIP @OttoAndGeorge
3d               
132
45
rob delaney @robdelaney
.@BarackObama My wife keeps getting texts from my karate teacher & giggling & won’t let me see them. Is this because of blood moon.
3d               
1,361
490
NBC Sports @NBCSports
This guy could be the next owner of your Buffalo Bills. tw.nbcsports.com/u9j pic.twitter.com/yoABdcznob
3d               
28
47
Michael Hale @dogboner
bundy ranch... is that the new dorito flavor. I posted this one a couple days ago but maybe some folks didnt see it. lemme know
4d               
87
5
buisness man, @GrapeSodaJamb
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall pic.twitter.com/pEwdPJuXk8
4d               
21
3
Jen Selter @JenSelter
and time for some booty work outside pic.twitter.com/ex04XZSe5W
4d               
4,256
793
Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest
Hey @Number1TCOT, why don't you ask @chuckwoolery about the time he had SADDAM HUSSEIN on "Love Connection?" pic.twitter.com/eWReDP808P
4d in reply to Number1TCOT               
100
13
Sean @asimplesean
.@alivingiano I'm going to call this number 19 times a day. Everyone should all this number and pretend to be Buzzfeed targets
4d in reply to asimplesean               
8
1
Sean @asimplesean
.@alivingiano @QueenDemetriax_ you people are fucking sensationalist leeches
4d in reply to alivingiano               
10
GNARLY @11protons
I support legalizing stoners shutting the fuck up about weed
5d               
22
7
Thaddius @ThaddiusMaximus
Got the dogfight I wanted! Along with the title. Closing the book on chapter 1! Awesome ride so far
5d               
2
Thomas Murray @theTomMurray
@JimNorton @MelissaBachman I hope she gets mauled by a wild animal #streetjustice #woodsjustice
5d in reply to JimNorton               
1
Horton Atonto @crushingbort
What brings me to the forbidden Temple of the Jade Skull? Well sir I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in seeing the jade skulls here
5d               
158
44
Ryan Beck @ImRyanBeck
@JimNorton @MelissaBachman just last week she took a picture with Rich Vos' career
5d in reply to JimNorton               
1
1
Joanna Krupa @joannakrupa
Poor @MarcoAndretti I m like the annoying big sis 😘 #indy #25 pic.twitter.com/7m2fgG9A3M
5d               
72
14
Mikey B @the_mikeyb1246
@JimNorton @MelissaBachman her brain's in every one tss tss, so fawk yeah..
5d in reply to JimNorton               
2
Amber @Amburglar_
Hey high schoolers: for most of you, this is your peak.
7d               
54
24
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Going to London tomorrow for a vacation. Should be fun to go "down under."
8d               
135
22
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
HAHA! Man. This is good as h*ck!! Rofl!!!! pic.twitter.com/YTHCQv7ZVb
8d               
9
2
diaper dAn @Swell_Bro
i finally stood up to my cowoerker and admitted to being the one who printe 70 pages of different kinds of bridges so i can colour them
9d               
12
4
Mike @mikeparty
biscotti is food for ppl who keep track of Jennifer aniston's hair style
10d               
109
41
misunderstood worm @_blotty
I hope ur all happy and good. Also, good and happy pic.twitter.com/F8nwQ1RwyG
10d               
14
Anthony Cumia @AnthonyCumia
RT @fratboy44: ..u don't mention there is more whites in jail for sex crimes

-I will when I see nonstop roving white gangs raping people.
10d               
24
5
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
When I'm eating friend chicken, I eat the wings first. I always save my breast for last. (Reminder: these jokes are free)
11d               
14
2
The Iron Sheik @the_ironsheik
Brock Lesnar GO FUCK YOURSELF #WrestleMania30
11d               
3,901
6,697
GI Bro @b0dymassage
"Gandalf why do you have a screened-in back porch?"
to keep out th—
"Jews?"
No…
"pugs w jetpacks?"
No i—
"Levitating panca—"
FLIES YOU FOOL
11d               
144
31
DVS @DVSblast
u can rob 100 banks as long as "Simply Irresistable" is playin. Tellers/cops CANT STOP TAKING OFF THEIR SUNGLASSES/MOUTHING "WOW"
12d               
44
14
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
Strategic favs and RTs are how I made my bones on twitter. I cut my teeth on selective retweeting of the feuds of austists.
13d               
1
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Wiping down the handle of your grocery cart with a disinfectant wipe is a nice, subtle way of saying "hey, I'm kind of an asshole."
13d               
44
10
MUDKAP @Mudkap
pic.twitter.com/6CHUXh5VOl
13d               
166
179
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
Bush
E
N
G
Adida
Z
H
nIne elevun
14d               
12
Demetri Williams @BigBlakD
"@colleenxbean: I have been craving spicy food so much lately. I've been putting sriracha on everything." #pregnancyproblems
16d               
3
Blind Chow @BlindChow
Ha ha! laughs God, clapping.

Suddenly, the Big Bang erupts with the force of a billion suns.

He sighs. Forgot to unplug the Clapper again…
16d               
39
11
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
.@internetluke pic.twitter.com/fvUTzgCQJc
16d in reply to internetluke               
104
10
DVS @DVSblast
cats repost "REVEALED: Obama is a mummy" shit from sites like TRUE dot ABSOLUTELY REAL dot HEILHITLER dot ZX all day. u fuckin up
16d               
22
7
Sage Boggs @sageboggs
Some people have criticized the film Noah for not following the biblical version. Uhh I thought it was pretty spot-on pic.twitter.com/sNXOPdkQh4
17d               
2,912
3,139
DVS @DVSblast
people die alot in society but then also we had that Biggie/Shaq song that one time so....iunno..kinda even
17d               
28
2
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Underwood/Satan '16
17d               
260
149
misunderstood worm @_blotty
[ocean's 11 music]
So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys
17d               
197
59
misunderstood worm @_blotty
very blotty pic.twitter.com/FfXXavnXMP
18d               
15
DVS @DVSblast
instead of your REGULAR hat, wear a SEXY hat so strangers and people who see you on TV get all riled up. Classic hat gag.
18d               
34
5
Mario Andretti @MarioAndretti
Me and my twin grandchildren! Where did @michaelandretti get the idea that I would babysit so he can go to dinner pic.twitter.com/t0fdmRNiCR
20d               
330
172
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
"You know who else had diabetes?" *turns baseball cap backwards* "Jesus Christ." - hip youth pastor Wilford Brimley
22d               
42
12
Seas We Fear To Sail @SEASthrash
smells like peen spirit #SchlongSongs @midnight
22d in reply to midnight               
111
20
Duke Long¯\_(ツ)_/¯ @dukelongboard
_/ ̄ ̄ ̄\
レ ‐  ‐ フ
/  ●  ● |
 | 〃(_●_)〃 ミ
 彡、`∪´ ノ
  / ` ー ´ヽっ
 (、_). と_ )
   | 8===D|
  | ^ |
22d               
13
Doggett and Scully @XFilesbutemoji
👩you're gonna do time for this, Murphy. hard time.
👨no court will convict me. we both know I'll wa-
👩careful!
🐶
👨sorry, I'll W-A-L-K
22d               
70
16
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
If you put an endless supply of peanut butter filled pretzels in front of me I would explode like a goldfish.
22d               
16
2
Ath-Elite @IronMikeRubes
That Breitling make you feel some type of way #dontlooklikethat pic.twitter.com/WYng8z48tU
22d               
5
History In Pictures @HistoryInPics
Muhammad Ali Training. Photograph by Ken Regan, 1974. pic.twitter.com/1hLCHqpED8
23d               
2,283
1,614
Dr. Humblepenis @diarrhea
.@Ibatvmc I love when u do Jiminy Glick!!!!!!
23d in reply to Ibatvmc               
2
DVS @DVSblast
BREAKING: "Is Granulated Onion Powder Very Good?". "Oh my goodness yes" says Amalgamated Granules chairman Mr Charles. "Wow" he adds.
24d               
80
17
Rich Lowtax Kyanka @lowtax
by default, every tumblr blog should autoplay the Monty Python's "Holy Grail" sound clip of "help, help, I'm being repressed"
25d               
86
68
Jack Gould @jackalltogether
@dynamofire @Arr I don't have cable (but I'm stealing HBO Go from my parents) guys have replaced them
26d in reply to dynamofire               
1
Jim Norton @JimNorton
. @JinSaotome I thought anal beads were supposed to go inside an asshole, not around one. pic.twitter.com/DodVAnIK1B
27d               
159
59
The Onion @TheOnion
Vladimir Putin: "I just wish I had known earlier that you guys were this mellow about hostile military takeovers." onion.com/1ermfXQ
28d               
587
1,303
sweaty five dollars @iscoff
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
29d               
5,863
5,096
egg dog @egg_dog
sea creatures secret ears secrete tears
30d               
58
32
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Relationship Tip: if you accidentally fart during intercourse, pack up all of your things and move far, far away from that person.
30d               
30
7
DVS @DVSblast
@dogboner can i expect "Drinks A Coke Dave" and "Cant Find His Glasses For The Life Of Him Charlie" will be making an appearance?
31d in reply to dogboner               
4
DougEaster @DougExeter
@robwhisman youd think thered be a kody or kurtis for good measure but nope
31d in reply to robwhisman               
3
Mick Foley @realmickfoley
Only the #WrestlemaniaDreamVacation can make the phrase "check out Mick Foley's amazing package" sound appealing. rainn.org/raffle
31d               
103
70
Pomegrenede @Pomegrenede
TURN THE FLASH OFF WHEN YOU TAKE A MIRROR PICTURE YOU FUCKING PEASANTS!
31d               
90
37
Horton Atonto @crushingbort
The @SeaWorld people say they treat their whales humanely but I know what I saw there. Those weren't normal bidets in that bathroom
31d               
72
12
Don Rickles @DonRickles
Barbara and I went to dinner the other night and saw Elton John - he wanted me to autograph his glasses.
31d               
143
57
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
“It’s time to pull the plug, Mr. McConaughey,” the doctor says.
He looks down at his dad, a tear falls
“Alright,” he says. “Alright alright”
31d               
688
329
Because I'm a Guy @CauseWereGuys
Dear women... pic.twitter.com/eJIeqoJJvL
32d               
3,791
3,017
jon hendren @fart
if i ever sit at a toilet and notice a glory hole im going to slash the air with my car keys in front of the hole so no wieners come in
32d               
192
47
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
.@ComedyCentral @jeffdunham my wife left me (because I think Jeff Dunham is good and funny)
32d in reply to ComedyCentral               
2
R.L. Ripples @TweetsofOld
Yolo hoboes are a dangerous nuisance in our town and should be driven out of the brush thickets. They act as if they owned the place. CA1897
32d               
78
112
The Iron Sheik @the_ironsheik
FUCK THE CLARINET FOREVER
33d               
463
482
jon hendren @fart
im doing my super move "Power Pig" it charges me up enough to bring all the groceries in at once
33d               
87
16
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
"Leo, quick question here. how do you feel about not winning an oscar?"

"who's oscar" pic.twitter.com/ylVVqw1kJD
33d               
105
56
Main Street Blake @mainstblake
@JFoTheShow @normmacdonald oh look at me! I'm a cliche liberal atheist pothead comic. seen it a million times. so who's being different?
33d in reply to JFoTheShow               
16
1
JimBlood of Dem Boy$ @MyJim_AintSlim
This nigga Wishbone been in jail this whole time. pic.twitter.com/St3bsSGzZD
33d               
549
811
michael @michaeljhudson
no thanks pic.twitter.com/qs5PjlzVn2
33d               
296
228
Youngster Ben @ImFordTough
FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHATCHA TELL ME
*gets 8 hours of sleep*
*drinks six 8oz glasses of water per day*
*obeys posted speed limit*
33d               
9
2
Brian Scott Miller @Massapequa11758
@iamcolinquinn St Patricks Day Parade just keeps getting weirder and weirder.. pic.twitter.com/Tf5BFEnhZZ
33d in reply to iamcolinquinn               
61
25
chicken container @weasel_babe
♪ damn it feels good to be respectful ♪
33d               
23
7
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
"Imagine being so lonely that you turn to religion", he typed into a tiny box before furiously refreshing his notifications for hours.
35d               
43
6
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Maybe stop hitting them? RT @chrisbrown: These Hoes ain't loyal!!!! Foreal...
35d               
33
26
jon hendren @fart
twitter went down for a few minutes this week.. because of justin bieber! hahahaha #CelebNews #TopicalFun #LaughsOnTheWeb
35d               
46
7
PJ Chesson @pjchesson
@Professor_Frey you forgot ta dasana.
35d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
Pepper Doctor @IRLPepperMD
*parents come into my room*
"We need to talk to you… We think you're an owl."
*turns neck all the way around to face them*
"Who- I MEAN WHY"
36d               
437
211
Michael Raphone, Sr. @michael_raphone
[describing a chair] it's like a swing without all the drama
37d               
1,631
747
Churlish @Cryptoterra
oh my god pic.twitter.com/D5edNf8TxV
37d               
3,203
3,957
chris @BassoonJokes
I put together a press kit for my new restaurant called Punchlines. I'm looking for investors. pic.twitter.com/STEmGYWbCi
37d               
18
2
Amber Leigh @anikles
@Professor_Frey: Glad to see there are still tons of white people throwing out "RIP Biggie" posts on the internet.” Is this one?
38d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
dino @dinosoreus
I have a hatred for Italian mantras but I usually forget about it
39d               
30
6
Jim Norton @JimNorton
. @NancyGraceHLN Are you nervous because you shot your fat fucking mouth off (not literally, unfortunately) and are being sued by a Kennedy?
39d               
114
70
jon hendren @fart
lou bega’s a little bit of mambo album is almost exactly 100 megabytes in size so from now on i’m calling 100mb “1 begabyte”
40d               
244
63
sskylark @sskylark
i love how people make fun of the holocaust then when you ask them how they would solve the jewish problem they're like uhhh
41d               
321
55
natalie mooney @nataliejmooney
pretty funny how if youre watching a movie where the villain is on a horse youre like omg that horse is evil, too. fuck that piece of shit
41d               
611
153
Greg @weedguy420boner
@degg hey. I know it's Friday but Let's not get out of control
41d in reply to degg               
30
1
Charles Davis @charliearchy
LEFTY: Obama's a killer.
LIBERAL: Bullshit! He wants peace.
CONSERVATIVE: Obama's a peacenik.
LIBERAL: Bullshit! He's killed so many people.
41d               
334
367
David Malsher @DavidMalsher
Who's gonna beat @ArieLuyendyk's speed record around @IMS ? That will be @MarcoAndretti . #245mph Again, ya heard it here first.
41d               
7
6
Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt
Is this real?

spritzinc.com/the-science/#
41d               
271
91
Amber Leigh @anikles
Well ... Engaged ... And amazing :) @GoodDay_Jake pic.twitter.com/q3YUDEI5YY
42d               
1
jon @senderblock23
Why aren't more people upset about MILFs being hunted
43d               
141
29
rob delaney @robdelaney
.@David_Cameron @BarackObama Hi guys, I'm on the line now too. Get me up to speed. pic.twitter.com/xhmJG5KpxT
43d in reply to David_Cameron               
11,630
10,257
sain't_ @st_christophr
hey girl lookin for a good time *carefully regurgitates a completely undigested Nerds Rope*
43d               
39
18
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
[Joker w/ henchmen]
"ay mr Joker..u sure u wanna pay this much for unlimited texting?"

ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. ITS ABOUT SENDING A MESSAGE
43d               
194
107
jim florentine @Mrjimflorentine
Who Gives A Fuck-- Ellen Doesn't Own Famous Oscar Photo ... Guess Who Does tmz.me/1i26wh2
44d               
106
37
Cregg Schinkell @ImCreggSchinkel
A very in depth #AMA with jesse ventura
@AnthonyCumia @OpieRadio @JimNorton @notsam @travistefft pic.twitter.com/yLR9DCNhY6
44d               
51
13
kyle raney @Kyle_Raney
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
"BLESS YOU"
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
"IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE"
44d               
270
122
Greg @weedguy420boner
please try to touch pharrell if you see him. i want to know if hes a hologram
45d               
32
5
Jason Miller @longwall26
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
45d               
2,288
951
Michael Hale @dogboner
pic.twitter.com/HO5HbCsWwf
45d               
518
210
michael @michaeljhudson
#OldBabyMonday pic.twitter.com/Lgp79hAniQ
46d               
59
24
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
Between "Django" last year and "12 Years" this year, slavery has never been hotter!!!
46d               
1,003
684
DVS @DVSblast
Charles Nelson Reilly ran on stage with a gun and is EATING all the Oscarses! UGH...EVERY YEAR WITH THIS
46d               
28
6
Al Yankovic @alyankovic
Congrats in advance to #Oscar winners Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong'o and Alfonso Cuarón. #WhyWait
46d               
970
843
jack danielsaur @WyanRilson
people playing music on their phone in public is my 9/11
46d               
109
50
stefan @boring_as_heck
All ready for the Oscars! pic.twitter.com/13PbLL2Kte
46d               
1,004
341
jomny sun @jonnysun
my dreams r haunted evry night by a four-legged beast who dances & dances & only stamds still to stare into my eyes & say "stop. llama time"
47d               
238
67
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
The sexiest sounding thing that can actually kill you is probably "deep vein thrombosis."
47d               
32
8
Michael Hale @dogboner
good gravy they got everything on here pic.twitter.com/nkmihhTs9Q
47d               
145
22
Pat Sajak @patsajak
If I win Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes this year, I will share equally with all of my followers.
47d               
118
27
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Should I buy a pair of men's jeans with bling on the back pockets or use a shotgun to blow my brains out?
47d               
47
12
jon hendren @fart
#introvertpickuplines do you like netflix???? ahhahahahah hey do you have a cat!!! lmao!!! i like using computer ahaha Lets Check Our Tweets
47d               
193
81
Sarah Matthews @msmnymtthws
iiiiii want breakfasttttt
47d               
1
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Fun Fact: no one has ever successfully lowered or raised a window blind.
48d               
55
16
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
Shout out to my bros at @BWWings! Sup dudes! Love your wings and a couple cold brewskis! Makes up for the fact that my dick doesn't work!
48d               
7
1
wint @dril
i am a Gentleman's Son and i deserve the big gravy boat
48d               
557
236
DVS @DVSblast
"twas a balmy spring eve,wind nipping my back when perchance i spied--" FUCK U YELP JUST TELL ME IF THE CHOCOLATE SALMON IS GOOD DAMN
49d               
95
23
Macklin White @MacklinWhite
@NancyGraceHLN My friend went to Foot Locker ... and never came back. #MalledToDeath
49d in reply to NancyGraceHLN               
6
Pomegrenede @Pomegrenede
Let's make out, have sex, cuddle & have a deep talk. Then have sex again, go out to eat,then go back home, watch a movie and have sex again.
49d               
296
154
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
"FINISH HYMN!" - Father Raiden
50d               
452
205
Pat Sajak @patsajak
Ribonucleic Acid Indigestion. Signing an I O U Thant. Dire Straits of Hormuz. #ObscureBeforeAndAfter
50d               
31
19
The Daily Dot @dailydot
Greenwald's newest Snowden story is banned from Reddit's r/news, and the community isn't happy: dailydot.com/news/reddit-ce… cc @zerohedge
50d               
105
247
Horton Atonto @crushingbort
pic.twitter.com/LzWCck9iAR
51d               
87
22
chuuch @ch000ch
Juliet: yo I'm dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I...
52d               
1,234
677
Colin Quinn @iamcolinquinn
I'm also playing a suspected killer on next week's True Detective. They think it's me but I escape on a shrimp boat into the bayou.
52d               
64
29
chris @BassoonJokes
bill shakespeare was all like "look at these sonnets i wrote" - you could never get away with that shit these days
52d               
33
2
❄I Wub You Shady ❄ @Frost_Brony
Goodbye to Harold Ramis.. #brony [ #Ghostbusters R.I.P. ]
52d               
27
12
Alex J. Mann @alexjmann
Orange slices? You mean fruit mouthguards?
52d               
196
47
Rich Lowtax Kyanka @lowtax
now I don't want to sound racist, but... all women are stupid. see, I was aiming for sexist there.
53d               
40
9
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
These days Sinbad's condition has escalated to Sincritical
54d               
70
25
LIL KING TRASHMOUTH @CH1EF_QUEEF
the lady at cvs needa hop off my dick she's like "u have to pay before u open those" n "if ur gonna puke u gotta go" CVS U GONE HOLLYWOOD
54d               
64
6
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
Mr. Bonerhitler was my father. Please, call me weedlord.
54d               
12
3
Jim Norton @JimNorton
Sometimes my shows are haunted because I can hear ghosts in the audience going BOOOO! BOOOO!
56d               
233
91
NBC Sports @NBCSports
Ashley Wagner wants to skate at the 2018 Olympics, which could mean more photos like this. tw.nbcsports.com/opo pic.twitter.com/dwcwalpT22
56d               
66
30
DVS @DVSblast
"these are some nice sabers" "which sabers do you mean? theres so many" "these sabers here" "oh." -SABER TALK episode 2 heatin up
56d               
23
1
Josh @Livestock
Looking for angel investors for my mindfreak startup. Primed to be a serious game changer in mindfreak market. Major disruption.
56d               
6
jerry icy @dangerousneil
[holding bottom of optical mouse up to my mouth] computer load angery bird
56d               
509
145
Amber @Amburglar_
Hey fellas: check her fridge. Does her orange juice have extra pulp? Yes? Then she swallows.
57d               
71
23
ICE T @FINALLEVEL
Daily Game: Why lie to people?? Who the fuck are they anyway?!
57d               
123
97
misunderstood worm @_blotty
pic.twitter.com/3M9Id9g9Cr
57d               
23
dino @dinosoreus
[abortion clinic]
*doc walks in with coat hanger*
well alright. lets get this outta the way
"..whaaa..?!"
your coat ma'am. its in the way
58d               
19
3
luke @internetluke
"Will, you, Mary, me?" -guy proposing a 4way
59d               
283
92
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
Wow. Strippers get angry if you make it rain Bitcoins.
60d               
4,755
3,804
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
"That's my jam!" - some whose tasty preserves were just stolen
60d               
36
18
misunderstood worm @_blotty
Shhhhhhhhhh pic.twitter.com/ulkgscHczb
60d               
11
Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt
Dear @JerrySeinfeld: The Hebrew word for "lovemaking" (as when Adam "knew" Eve) is *yada*. Please return one of your Emmys.
60d               
429
175
jon hendren @fart
i remember a time when "cool ranch" was only a compliment you gave to a horse
60d               
323
111
Eric Nikles @EricNikles
@mcall: Nazareth police seek man in possible abduction of girlfriend mcall.com/news/breaking/…@Professor_Frey @ProfMilkMonocle
60d in reply to mcall               
2
1
tyler rothrock @tylerrothrock
Research has proven that individuals with ponytails do NOT enjoy Tyler Rothrock comedy.
61d               
3
1
Dr. Humblepenis @diarrhea
[writes an edgy take about how bad racism is and waits for the retweets and faves to validate my belief that im good + cool]
61d               
21
3
Amber @Amburglar_
I can't come to your candle party because I'll be charging my phone at 7pm on Saturday.
61d               
45
10
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
*nancy grace looming over the shoulder of George Zimmerman, black wings fully extended, whispers* "pay me my tribute George. Feed me my due"
61d               
4
Weedlord Bonerhitler @BonerShitler
Nancy Grace descends on the corpses of slain black teens, sucking the blood and marrow from their crumpled frames. Buy her handcuff necklace
61d               
4
DVS @DVSblast
ohhhhh MERCY. we DO have fun here, dont we? Now please give it up for Jumpy Jambles & The Twitter Baaaaand!
63d               
15
Greg @weedguy420boner
No ones in the gym so I might indulge in the ultimate sociopathy: bicep curls in the squat rack
64d               
37
6
Keli McFluffyheimer @KeliKirby
@Professor_Frey you can dry coffee cups on egg cartons?? That's brilliant! What were you saying again?
64d in reply to Professor_Frey               
1
dino @dinosoreus
600 followers? thank you all so very much ❤️
64d               
11
Sean @asimplesean
*slide whistle* pic.twitter.com/7djAsn6faV
64d               
41
6
patrick @tastefactory
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
65d               
667
291
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
RIP Shirley Temple. Has anyone checked to make sure Arnold Palmer is ok?
65d               
39
10
Fun_Beard @Fun_Beard
Do adults who say their favorite book his The Hunger Games know they can get their GED and then read all sorts of other books?
66d               
81
29
DVS @DVSblast
I Got: Varvish, The Sorrowful!! Which Cast Member Of "Ahh! REAL Latvian Cobalt Miners" Are You??? Click [Here] To Find Out!
66d               
122
32
Horton Atonto @crushingbort
just saw my old intern Carl at Starbucks and the only thing I remembered about him is that his name's not Carl
66d               
78
7
natalie mooney @nataliejmooney
wonder what would freud say about me owning this dress and several more of very similar colour/laciness pic.twitter.com/8ntESXqHw5
68d               
83
2
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
SPORTS FACT: This year's Winter Olympics are being held in the country of Russia. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts.
68d               
267
175
Pepper Doctor @IRLPepperMD
A horse walks into a bar…




…n

That was a close one.
68d               
44
9
Bill Burr @billburr
Check out @RealRonHoward movie Rush. I liked it better than some of the other movies that are up for the shiny thing over there.
68d               
90
41
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
I love to go up to Spanish people and say, “any FLANS for the weekend?” They love that.
68d               
2,792
1,943
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
You can append “of the gods” to the name of any object and it becomes 1000x cooler.

-Sent from my Motorola Razr of the gods
68d               
108
41
Fro Vo @fro_vo
oh shoot i probably should have welcomed you to hindsight club
68d               
62
17
Fred Rogers @fredrogers75
@Peaceou44052815
1-I wasn't talking to you.
2-You seem quite anonymous yourself so go fuck your mother.
69d in reply to noise_big               
2
Anthony Cumia @AnthonyCumia
Haha, the forced diversity of McDonalds commercials is really insulting.
69d               
31
13
tyler rothrock @tylerrothrock
@Professor_Frey @MarcoAndretti il just tweet that I ran and surprise everyone when I stay fat
69d in reply to Professor_Frey               
5
2
Marco Andretti @MarcoAndretti
7 mile hot run.
69d               
7
1
dino @dinosoreus
wise words pic.twitter.com/XWmxBEZoOy
69d               
36
20
Shark BLT @SharkBLT
All the cool people come join the PEN15 club. Our slogan is: "You can't join our circle, jerk!" You know...because we don't let jerks in.
69d               
175
80
lemons @respected_loner
one trick is before doing something say "no whammy no whammy" to decrease the chance of there being a whammy
70d               
310
125
Michael Hale @dogboner
sub way has a chemical in there bread commonly found in yoga mats and shoes. Hey. ive heard of a foot long but this is ridiculous. please rt
70d               
215
117
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