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_Iggy_Rocky Mountains2013-03-13
@asoiree403 days
I'm back for the entertainment.
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
20119692111,596
We found 196 favorite tweets.
TIMOTHY @TimothyCromer
RIP Spring..

4/12/14 - 4-14-14

You will be missed
3d               
259
469
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
They won't let me scrub in on the 15yo's surgery. It's like these doctors don't even know how many episodes of Mash I've seen.
4d               
18
4
Sparkle Beautiful @sagemoonstone
I'm wearing my Thor t-shirt to bed, again.. That's all I'm going to say.
4d               
15
2
SILHOUETTE @singingdoves13
I will never apologize for the way I feel.
4d               
8
2
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
Midwest spring: 80 yesterday and snow today. Now I know how dad felt while living with an adolescent daughter and a wife in menopause.
5d               
9
2
ShotofCherye @CheryeDavis
In Oklahoma the tornado siren is just a reminder to go buy beer.
6d               
596
347
The Beckanator @thebeckyard
Rosetta Stone, but for people to figure out how to use an ATM properly and QUICKLY.
7d               
7
3
Steve McQueen @OfficeofSteve
Damn it, my pajamas with the feet are in the wash
11d               
15
3
Steve McQueen @OfficeofSteve
If you haven't spooned a cold toilet while drunk, then you haven't lived yet
11d               
15
4
Support Pets @SupportPets_
Let you heart feel immense Joy! ❤ Pls visit your local #dog #cat #animalshelter to give the Gift of a Lifetime = Save a #pet life forever!
11d               
2
2
Steve McQueen @OfficeofSteve
I've had one too many skin grafts as a child while playing with Lite-Brites
11d               
8
1
Elani Stefani @Ellani_Belle
My favorite thing to say to him is " I love you."

My second favorite is "Bring me Oreos, babe?"
11d               
7
1
Sue Permarket @Hormonella
I don't always manhandle the baked goods but, when I do, I pinch a loaf.
11d               
92
13
Support Pets @SupportPets_
There's a lot YOU can do to help abandoned #animals cowardly thrown inside a #shelter cage=ADOPT
11d               
2
Peter Stark @StarksWeek
My resume is just a picture of a recycling bin filled with empty beer cans.
11d               
61
24
VegaVegas @_vegavegas_
#tuesdaytreat #throwback #vintage #vintageVegas #wayback #timewarp #CaesarsPalace #Flamingo pic.twitter.com/lTnpimlTJ7
11d               
10
9
Gearis Herndon @TheRealGearis
Breakfast is poured.
14d               
3
Hannah Elisabeth @mybigblondelife
My dogs bark louder than your dogs
14d               
5
1
Ann @writerPT
I'm heading in to Costco. I'll see y'all in $244527 and 16348 calories...
16d               
301
142
Ashley @ashleycrem
On Yahoo there's an article "Warning signs you're with the wrong guy." Quick tip for you: If you click on it, you're with the wrong guy.
17d               
137
67
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
Yes, please tell everyone why we should be on Twitter
18d               
165
61
Shawn Spree @shawnspree
If I ever get sick, I will post vague Facebook status update because that's how you cure a common attention whore.
18d               
96
58
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
I used to dream of the things I could do as an adult. I'd give them all back for bladder control.
18d               
11
1
Erica B @SCbchbum
Just got catfished by an oatmeal raisin cookie.
18d               
367
115
Ann @writerPT
So I tried on summer dresses today and decided I won't be eating for the next 2 months.
18d               
464
223
@JP_theAntiHero
If you can't convince your gf to use scotch tape to make her eye droop so you can get an authentic Brenda for 90210 role play you've failed.
18d               
121
39
Dani Fernandez @mydanimarie
Guns don't kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
18d               
715
348
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
I'm giving serious thought to skipping exercise say the next 1 or 7 weeks and just make wearing my Patagonia to the pool a thing.
19d               
9
Sara @sara_ashlynn
This tweet is sponsored by wine.
19d               
106
38
Pink Martini @PinkMartiniBand
If you liked our Ambassadors of Happy Balloon Photo Contest on @facebook last Nov., make sure to keep an eye on our page this Wednesday...
19d               
5
Lisabug BBQJones @Lisabug74
I'm sick of my awesome personality ruining lives and children's parties.
20d               
193
83
Eric @ericONEderful
Downhill. That's how I roll.
24d               
52
24
Pedigree @PedigreeUS
We are thrilled to announce Duke has found a home! Thanks to @AWLChicago for their unwavering support. #PedigreeDuke pic.twitter.com/Qa0eyjT6oT
25d               
1,149
377
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
I've had so much coffee for this 16 hour drive; I've put the car on my back and am now piggy-backing it home.
27d               
12
4
Eric @ericONEderful
Top Ramen should be renamed Rock-bottom Ramen.
28d               
82
37
ocean compulsion @Kauaibride
so apparently i over showered for this trip to walmart.
28d               
46
10
moody monday @mdob11
He could just be busy. Or he could be sleeping with your sister? Anyway, have a great weekend.
30d               
479
235
Desi Princess @desi_princess
"The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe", better known as, it's that time of the month.
30d               
90
32
Caesars Palace @CaesarsPalace
Congratulations to @AbsintheVegas on their 1500th performance last night! #Absinthe1500 pic.twitter.com/cCOVrC7SQT
30d               
27
21
Steve McQueen @OfficeofSteve
My comfort food is hotdog water
31d               
25
9
The • Steve @DarthCoffeeus
I just licked my top eyelid, if you're wondering how my day was going.
31d               
7
3
The • Steve @DarthCoffeeus
Taking the first careful sip of that aromatic cup of coffee is heaven.
31d               
9
6
Pedigree @PedigreeUS
Duke has started to gain weight and become more upbeat. Experience his entire transformation. bit.ly/1gw00wP pic.twitter.com/EKLkfkpswy
32d               
923
368
Support Pets @SupportPets_
There's a lot WE can do to aid lost #animals cowardly thrown inside a #shelter run=ADOPT
33d               
2
1
Lyrical Artworks @LyricalArtworks
HIGHLY recommend @AbsintheVegas if you're ever in town and want to be awed! #frontrowisfun pic.twitter.com/XLhEhQxzge
33d               
3
4
Pedigree @PedigreeUS
Duke was rescued by @AWLChicago and in need of care and good food. Watch his transformation bit.ly/1gw00wP pic.twitter.com/TED50FHrnT
33d               
2,916
1,966
France Wysocki Henry @FranceNoella
@PennyPibbets @AbsintheVegas @asoiree best show ever!!! Sore abs guarantied 👍👍
34d in reply to PennyPibbets               
1
Allie @AllieA
I'm so full from all the food I looked at on instagram today.
34d               
395
135
Penny Pibbets @PennyPibbets
💕“@asoiree: @PennyPibbets I clapped, but didn't catch the clap.You're one funny bitch. Best show ever pic.twitter.com/cA3GxWKZYE@AbsintheVegas💕
34d in reply to asoiree               
7
2
Hannah Elisabeth @mybigblondelife
The only time people tell you to mind your own business is when they are breaking the law.
34d               
2
2
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
Lead me not into temptation, I blocked you cuz you were annoying and to top it off-I don't speak #'s
34d               
118
44
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
I think someone needs to tell the writers of Glee that High School is still only 4 years
34d               
248
96
Not so Awesome Alex @Alex_LaVallee
Most ppl have a picture of their hero on their wall and never get to meet him.

My hero gives me a hug and kiss everyday.

#Braydenstrong
34d               
470
193
Doc ....... @doctorjanin
A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
34d               
6
7
Doc ....... @doctorjanin
A man sometimes wins an argument, but a woman always wins a silence.
34d               
12
7
Hannah Elisabeth @mybigblondelife
Am I the only person who sees changing sheets as an upper body workout?
35d               
19
3
Burro Hunter @215potter
Forget cowboys, don't let your sons grow up to be Management.
37d               
133
73
Girl's Motivation @GirIsMotivation
Stairs are the last thing I want to see after leg day.
40d               
50
33
Amityville @alexfromstrohs
@AbsintheVegas is easily the best fucking show I've ever seen
41d in reply to AbsintheVegas               
6
5
Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn
I wondered why my 1-year-old didn’t want any cereal. Looks like she already filled up on ChapStick. pic.twitter.com/oOfsyRU9SQ
41d               
171
39
The Doc @doccy_style
Stop telling me how much money you make, insecurity isn't attractive.
43d               
19
5
Michal Furmanczyk @Misha10pack
Fikus is the happiest puppy in the world :) pic.twitter.com/o0kRedYEYp
43d               
4
Earl of Lemongrab @Grind_n_Roll
If I could travel back in time I'd go back and make Pauly Shore famous, which would probably negate my desire to make Pauly Shore famous.
44d               
8
4
Fitness Girls @TheFitnessGirls
RT if the gym puts you in a good mood!
44d               
25
46
CrankyPappy @CrankyPappy
Hard work gets lucky.
44d               
9
2
SILHOUETTE @singingdoves13
Make me an offer that I can confuse.
44d               
6
4
angieMcSugarButt @LuvPug
Blocking people who don't like cheese is hard, but someone has to do it.
45d               
479
201
June @junejuly12
I hate when you're sleeping and I need to talk to you
46d               
165
79
Scott™ @Scdavis24
Most days on Twitter, I feel like I'm at a dog park watching everyone sniff each other's butt.
46d               
313
182
Boyd's Backyard @TheBoydP
1. Blessing
2. Blessing
3. Blessing
4. Blessing
5. Blessing

Just counting my blessings
46d               
325
185
Ginger-At-Law @GingerAtLaw
Quick! Someone invent a spatula big enough to remove a lazy ginger from a couch
47d               
62
13
Marlee beans @Marlebean
I hope you washed your hands before you did that to my TL!
47d               
139
61
Ink @Duke1173
I decided not to have coffee today. It only took about an hour for me to have a mild heart attack. The paramedics rushed me to Starbucks.
47d               
35
13
Lesley Abravanel @lesleyabravanel
After mutilating @idinamenzel's name on the #Oscars, John Travolta received a job offer at Starbucks where mispronunciation's a prerequisite
47d               
64
52
El nacho Nigré @El_nacho_Nigre
I haven't done or eaten anything Instagram worthy in a month. Life is tough.
47d               
23
5
That Mothafucka @Sal0630
I'll slam every cabinet in the kitchen so you know I'm mad & then say,"nothing." When you ask,"what's wrong?"

-women
47d               
309
226
Bundy Patty @PBoylen
After Obama and Kerry belly laughed at Romney and Palin on Russia, 800,000 people have not made their first Obamacare payments this month.
47d               
23
29
Allison Sullivan @allisulli
Anybody who falls asleep easily is a monster.
48d               
282
149
Chuckles Downer @ChucklesDowner
Oscar Nomination for Best Downward Spiral Documented on Social Media
48d               
22
10
CrankyPappy @CrankyPappy
As our cellphones get smarter we are getting dumber.
49d               
27
20
The H Factor @onelongbender
What the world really needs is random snacks of kindness.
49d               
444
311
Girl's Motivation @GirIsMotivation
No texting and driving. Same goes to working out and texting.
50d               
28
27
Geoff Green @geoffreygreen52
Life gets so much better when you stop taking things personally. #WordOfWisdom
50d               
7
5
Badboy140 @Bad_Boy140
Apparently the TSA doesn't appreciate calling "SHOTGUN" before you board the airplane.
50d               
27
14
Scott @ScottBerghorn
My biggest regret is liking all those stupid fucking pages on Facebook back in 2010
51d               
29
10
Jack Mackenroth @jackmackenroth
Remember when we were all so frivolous and care-free? You know, before "gluten" happened.
51d               
87
43
Fitness Girls @TheFitnessGirls
Who drinks coffee? Check this out pic.twlttr.com/MYRpLp
51d               
2
Fitness Girls @TheFitnessGirls
No matter how weak you feel, stay strong.
51d               
14
9
Vikram @gvicks
One original thought is worth 1000 meaningless tweets........
51d               
113
91
Swishergirl @Swishergirl24
No thanks snapchat, I'm an adult.
51d               
727
397
clare lea @clarelea101
Funny people are the best
51d               
5
2
Jaxon/Jaxoff @fillthevacuum
I hear Robin Thicke's next single "Unemployment Lines" is due out soon.
51d               
238
144
Inconsequential @inconsequentia2
It's always fun to find out you're on day 3 of an argument you didn't even know you were having...
52d               
65
20
hashtaglol @ilikeyouguys
ok I finished breaking bad you guys can talk about it now
52d               
26
1
ShotofCherye @CheryeDavis
I'd rather slip into a pair of skin tight jeans right after dinner, than listen to someone talk about their workout routine.
52d               
365
167
divinelately @divinelately
I've been known to have left swipe regret.
52d               
19
3
divinelately @divinelately
According to my watch it's half past drinking time.
52d               
35
13
Hannah Elisabeth @mybigblondelife
Dear Everyone:

When you take my Tweets literally, you literally make me want to block you.

STFU already.

-Me
52d               
5
Gentleman's Handbook @YourGentIeman
Never let your mood determine your manners.
52d               
147
182
JonesthePoet @JonesthePoet
The first rule of getting to know me is not asking to many questions.
52d               
5
Rock @TheMichaelRock
401k meetings at work are the best way to learn that you'll never have enough money to retire.
52d               
187
73
Vikram @gvicks
It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun
53d               
649
783
Olivia @aveuaskew
Figuring people out isn't difficult; Accepting the fact you fell for their mind fuckery is the key.
53d               
135
88
BerryDLite @BerrryDLite
Unconditional love of someone out trumps any hate and bitterness thrown my way here. Im happier than I've ever been. I win.
54d               
152
55
the pied piper @jeffreyvanclea1
I didn't mean to open this app
54d               
13
1
╠ ѕιя мσик ╣ @iGreenMonk
Solitude is better than the society of evil persons.
54d               
124
97
Fitness Girls @TheFitnessGirls
Every setbacks you have is an opportunity for a major comeback
54d               
8
7
Heather @heatherjs
Oh, you live an hour away? *Blocked
54d               
34
7
Amy @YesThatAmy
Stupid, stupid homemade salad - 0
Sleeve of Girl Scout cookies - 1
54d               
95
25
Pink Martini @PinkMartiniBand
The holidays are finally over at Pink Martini Headquarters - the tree came down today. pic.twitter.com/p4MZNsP3W4
54d               
7
The Blacklist @NBCBlacklist
Everyone stay calm, #TheBlacklist is BACK. pic.twitter.com/okYpjfroMj
54d               
2,248
1,920
Kelly S. @kelter1
The Pillsbury Doughboy seems unusually happy for someone about to be baked alive in a 400 degree oven for 15 minutes.
54d               
59
32
Try The Veal @TylerLinkin
Robin Thicke is getting divorced. Here's how it works: She gets the house and cars and he retains the secret to what rhymes with hug me.
54d               
54
27
JonesthePoet @JonesthePoet
Have you noticed, to be a "Success" today is largely based on the size of the lie you build around yourself, and being able to live it?
54d               
4
2
moody monday @mdob11
Relationship status: pic.twitter.com/YLvQu1rIlz
55d               
486
255
the pied piper @jeffreyvanclea1
I always thought the bobsled looked fun until I found out they go 50 mph upside down
55d               
12
3
Shkeeber @shkeeber
If you expose lab rats to nascar, they chew off their legs and bleed to death.
55d               
55
22
Scott™ @Scdavis24
No one can make you miserable, you chose to be that way all on your own.
55d               
370
281
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
Make filing taxes fun for the whole family. Give your kid a Form 1040, and tell him it's math homework.
55d               
49
3
Doc ....... @doctorjanin
I am not addicted to Twitter I am addicted to people on twitter ....
55d               
48
29
BerryDLite @BerrryDLite
Im at my most American when I clean my fridge out every Sunday and throw away 30 lbs of wasted food.
55d               
137
66
NoLuckWanted @NoLuckWanted
It's probably just a coincidence, but I've never met a happy person who spent much time hating anyone.
55d               
710
449
Prison Princess @KRW913
Saw this online:

50 Shades of Nope- Married sex books
56d               
12
5
Try The Veal @TylerLinkin
My dogs favorite brand of dog food? Cat Shit.
57d               
59
24
Sly @slyoung5
Role Play: I'll be the dog. You be the pound.
57d               
163
47
RandomBest @RandomBest
Don't worry about eating shit food all day long. The twelve Diet Pepsi's you have is sure to make up for it.
57d               
24
6
Kristen Renton @KristenRenton
❤️“@vcat333: @KristenRenton Fact of the day: When a dog sees its owner, its brain secretes the same substances as ours when we are in love!"
58d in reply to vcat333               
13
5
Chuck Nellis @ChuckNellis
God gave us free will, our government is taking it away.
58d               
16
18
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
Judging from the stickers on all those pickups, that cartoon Calvin has a serious toilet training issue.
59d               
46
8
It's what It's @Thaat_guy
Help, I can't stop scrolling.
60d               
107
58
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
You want to impress people?

Try being honest.
61d               
639
473
SavoirFail @savoirfail
Own your actions and there will be no reason for regret.
61d               
168
112
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
Yes, kids, it's true. Some of us are so old, we had to go to the mall to play video games.
62d               
95
29
Amy @YesThatAmy
Heads up, there's a crazy lady trying to push a flatbed of wine and toilet paper at Costco, and I'm in a hurry.
63d               
104
33
Manic Momday @welfarehoe
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
64d               
1,786
1,023
ocean compulsion @Kauaibride
the look of bliss. this never gets old. pic.twitter.com/Nzzx29FJUZ
65d               
48
1
Kristen Renton @KristenRenton
Today on @WorldAnimalNews TRadioV.com Actress @rbrookesmith & Celebrity Dog trainer Christophe Ambrosia! pic.twitter.com/H0ejwy7GCo
65d               
4
1
NotCarlito'sWay @close_c
America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.
66d               
1,175
898
Abe Y. @Cheeseboy22
Finally got up the courage to tell the Cabbage Patch Kid I got in 1985 that he's adopted.
67d               
239
76
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Look, all I'm saying is that Arby's roast beef sandwiches were 5 for $5 before Obama took office.
67d               
218
113
Kristen Renton @KristenRenton
YES!!! “@MonicaxJ: @davidlabrava @KristenRenton pic.twitter.com/IKxBKNyGa9
68d in reply to MonicaxJ               
76
95
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
Trust me, your DM is never private

Bitches screen shot that shit and spread it around Twitter

All. The. Time.
69d               
245
148
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter5
I like you but I'm tired of you charging me $2.99 a minute when we talk on the phone
69d               
85
30
Fit Female @FitFemaIe
Pain is just weakness leaving your body.
69d               
5
5
Jennylogic @Jennyablue
"Honey you know, she only spins like that on ice." - RachelGreen
69d               
2
Ghassan Khoury @GhassanKhoury
Being vulnerable takes courage, but it’s worth every bit of it.
70d               
198
147
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
The world's greatest injustice is that a dog's life is so much shorter than ours.
70d               
175
81
Try The Veal @TylerLinkin
I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the Olympics from her house.
71d               
704
577
Support Pets @SupportPets_
There's a lot WE can do to support distressed #pets cowardly thrown inside a #shelter cell=ADOPT
71d               
1
2
Just Bill @WilliamAder
Olympics are way too commercialized. I heard this year the curling teams will be using Swiffers™ instead of brooms.
72d               
205
89
Gone Quixote @PaulGibson1963
BREAKING: Canada's Olympic Snowman-Building team has been disqualified from the Games after a positive test for performance enhancing Uggs.
73d               
128
67
Lucy aka Lucy @lucyworld1
I am happy my Seahawks won yesterday, but not burn my couch in the street happy. Idiots.
75d               
6
1
DΛVID @_davidlucas_
Took my spirit animal to the vet. Got a referral to a taxidermist.
76d               
50
26
Not so Awesome Alex @Alex_LaVallee
He smiles even though he's sick and his days are long.

But...Cancer, Seattle & Denver can't beat my #Braydenstrong pic.twitter.com/zk9kIfg4rH
76d               
2,027
865
Nerf Herder @TrueTorontoGirl
My dog makes me smile more than most humans do.
76d               
99
46
@TitansHomer @TitansHomer
RT if you want the Seahawks to win

Fav if you want the Broncos to win

DO NOT ignore this. It has serious implications on the Super Bowl!
76d               
33
14
Mrs. Elle Dragon ૐ @ElleTexas
Yeah!! #LetsGoBroncos #MyHomeState #SuperBowlXLVIII pic.twitter.com/YQyA2D3NkQ
76d               
23
4
Mrs. Elle Dragon ૐ @ElleTexas
Oooh #Texas, how true this is... lol! pic.twitter.com/zS45U7zD6T
76d               
35
8
Mrs. Elle Dragon ૐ @ElleTexas
Today marks the 11th anniversary of me being clean from meth. I've come a long way, & I plan on going the distance. pic.twitter.com/MziRSh0ZR2
76d               
1,022
271
Tink, The Duchess @Tinkerbell_
Just be you.
It's enough.
Anyone tells you different?
They're not enough for you.
It's quite simple really Xxx
77d               
144
67
Only Fast Eddie @OnlyFastEddie
Granny panties... because you never know when you need to parasail to safety.
78d               
119
76
Only Fast Eddie @OnlyFastEddie
*forgets to feed pet goldfish*

* pet goldfish dies*

*plants tiny gun*

*tells the police it was a suicide*
79d               
170
92
Blacklisted @DrFapFap
I'm convinced picking up dog shit required more skill than being the president of the U.S.
79d               
17
5
MyFairCharity @MyFairCharity
You can love someone who loves you, but who hurts you because they don't love themselves. Try to understand it's not personal and forgive.
79d               
32
17
Ahmad @AhmadAltamimii
Worrying is a waste of imagination.
79d               
7
18
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
Nothing I love better before bedtime than a nice, steaming hot cup of-- pic.twitter.com/4mTdI010yr
80d               
12
2
Swishergirl @Swishergirl24
I decided to do some lunges in my living room. I had 3 in before I realized I was still eating a piece of cheese.
80d               
555
257
SHAN @__Shannanigans
Brayden is my sweet Valentine! ❤️❌⭕️❤️

#BraydenStrong
80d               
22
7
Support Pets @SupportPets_
Can we all together unite making 2014 THE YEAR IN WHICH THE MOST ADOPTIONS WILL OCCUR?Let us know if YOU will help? #animallovers #dog #cats
81d               
2
2
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
If my kids ever send me on a cruise I'll know they're just trying to kill me in the worst way possible.
81d               
32
16
Bridgette Ⓥ @OnceUponA_LG
#MichaelVick Don't buy his lies he has #BloodOnHisHands RT @Sham3S @_AnimalAdvocate @AmyRoseKathryn @allanimalrights pic.twitter.com/Ybxpj6dRS7
81d               
7
25
Sue Permarket @Hormonella
Nothing makes me more glad to have a Twitter account than to wake up to comments from strangers as to how I could have made my Tweet better.
81d               
120
27
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
I ruined instant rice again tonight like some kind of inept husband in a commercial.
82d               
18
3
The Average Guy @Beer4AGoodTime
7 out of 10 doctors agree that daily drinking is bad for your health, anyone know if those other 3 are taking new patients?
82d               
45
23
Sue Permarket @Hormonella
Oh, PLEASE tell me how I can gain THOUSANDS of followers, new person with 42 followers!
82d               
129
34
Steve Suckington @SteveSuckington
I bet Cheers would still be open if Norm would have just paid his tab.
83d               
477
258
Chrisanna4real @chrisanna4real
Everyone has their own concept of reality...that's what makes you interesting.
83d               
199
103
Taquito @Jazzzzzmina
So far I'm 0 for 3,689 with "I'm just gonna go on twitter for 5 min".
84d               
203
82
Mediocre Marvel @eliserose5
Waiting on my pizza. I hope the delivery guy with be stoked that I shoveled my driveway as his tip.
84d               
37
8
moody monday @mdob11
'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.
84d               
1,072
553
Elizabeth Fries @funnyfries
My confidence at any time can be directly tied to the last full length mirror I passed.
84d               
47
16
Fit Female @FitFemaIe
BLOOD, SWEAT & RESPECT. First two you GIVE. Last one you EARN.
85d               
4
1
Dan? @BonelessMelon
"This bathroom has WiFi."

And that's how I spent an hour sitting on the toilet
85d               
21
13
Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker
When I look back on my life, I'm most grateful for never having to rap my way out of anything.
85d               
48
27
va-jenni monologues @jnrbtsn
A good man is better than a killer pair of heels.

Shocking right?! But so true.
85d               
309
159
Hannah Elisabeth @mybigblondelife
I would just like to give a personal shout out to whoever invented Xanax. You are the shit in my book. Thank you.
85d               
1
Ricky Gervais @rickygervais
Animals don't have a voice. But I do. A loud one. I'm a fucking big mouth. My voice is for them. And I'll never shut up while they suffer.
86d               
8,455
7,475
Swishergirl @Swishergirl24
I sure hope my boss appreciates all the transparent cubes I drew during the meeting.
86d               
461
201
Wayward Son @demon_disguise
Silence can hold more pain than the loudest cries...
86d               
401
311
The_martinigirl @The_MartiniGirl
I wish my mind would work as fast as my mouth.
87d               
360
195
ThoughtsFromParis @tfpHumorBlog
Writing blog post about how I have no idea how to soothe myself except by overeating and getting validation on Twitter.
88d               
19
3
va-jenni monologues @jnrbtsn
If you crush up girl scout cookies and snort them, they have zero calories.
88d               
467
277
Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn
A window cling of Calvin peeing on a car logo is a great way to let women know you have a mullet and less than the standard number of teeth.
88d               
88
42
Christopher Sherk @TheIronSherk
I made a horrible Lord of the Rings pun

They charged me with Attempted Mordor
88d               
789
508
Chrisanna4real @chrisanna4real
Let's stop with the term "social networking" and call it what it is...

DRAMA FOR YOUR MOMMA.
89d               
127
42
Will Rodgers @WilliamRodgers
GUYS UNDER THE AGE OF 22:

Odds are, your future wife is a Belieber...

Sorry Bro...
89d               
1,057
690
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