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Master Joe LycettHer Majesty's United Kingdom2008-12-07
@joelycett1,960 days
I'm a fucking joke.
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30,1182,11413,976219171
We found 168 favorite tweets.
Tom Ballard @TomCBallard
@joelycett You found my blog!
2d in reply to joelycett               
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Joel Crean @JoelCrean
For my next #micf @micomfestival act... @joelycett! Just as funny as the #quills. Go see him! pic.twitter.com/GRWhXNIIQh
10d               
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test tweet pic @testtweetpic
test
11d               
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Grace Dent @gracedent
@joelycett keep going, I’m close.
16d in reply to joelycett               
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Nova 100 @nova100
Comedians in Carriages Drinking Tea! episode 1 @CeliaPacquola @anneedmonds1 @DHughesy riding shotgun @Meshel_Laurie novafm.co/uXFhH
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Michael Kupperman @MKupperman
It's a drag when you see a march w/illegible signs & people chanting "Hey hey, ho ho, nuh nuh nuh nuh has got to go" I mean, why bother?
35d               
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Adam Wainwright @adamdoodaa
@joelycett dressage!
44d in reply to joelycett               
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andygwilliam @andygwilliam
@joelycett four man lube, coxless pairs
44d in reply to joelycett               
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sufc @BombiDavid
@joelycett FEATHERWEIGHT FISTING !!
44d in reply to joelycett               
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Joe Hamill @WilliamNoy
@joelycett 12inch row
44d in reply to joelycett               
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David Gardiner @DaveG437
@joelycett Gay Olympics. The wrong hump! #itotallysupporthomosexualityreally
44d in reply to joelycett               
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Joe Hamill @WilliamNoy
@joelycett opening (of legs) ceremony
44d in reply to joelycett               
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Shelley G @shelleypop
@joelycett Humptathlon?
44d in reply to joelycett               
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grizwold pedley @theatregrizwold
@joelycett bi-athlon?
44d in reply to joelycett               
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Joe Hamill @WilliamNoy
@joelycett javel-him
44d in reply to joelycett               
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Joe Hamill @WilliamNoy
@joelycett 100m mince
44d in reply to joelycett               
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Michael Hartley @mvhartley
@joelycett arsery
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Helen McGauley @helenged
@joelycett - slice hockey, bad-minge-ton, synchronized rimming,
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Chris L @c_linds
@joelycett synchronized rimming
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Charlesberg @cjsinclair24
@joelycett I like your rape whistle necklace. Where is it from please? X
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Amy Lewis @yablokos
@joelycett biathlon
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Asha Davies @AshaDaviesXX
@joelycett table penis #gayolympics
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Damon Evans @jigglyjam
@joelycett the 100m put penis in bottom
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Kate Cartwright @KRCartwright
@joelycett gay pigeon shooting?
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Shawn Gibson @gibsonbury
@joelycett Brownhill Skiing
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Chris Holliday @theholliday
@joelycett synchronised rimming (sounds fun!) Nose clips firmly ON!
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Michael Hartley @mvhartley
@joelycett taecumdo or 100m prance?
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Chris L @c_linds
@joelycett schlong jump
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Terri-Jo Moore @TJ_Official
Showbumming @joelycett
48d               
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Becky @otherbecky78
@joelycett this is Daisy pic.twitter.com/7TH2vsnJqs
48d in reply to joelycett               
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Richard K Herring @Herring1967
My ambition to one day play and fill the 1000+ seater venue in Wolverhampton came a step closer today when I sold out 150 seat venue
50d               
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Richard Lawson @rilaws
But does Ellen Page like Looking
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Katherine Ryan @Kathbum
Always a pleasure to have attended the #britcomawards with @joelycett. pic.twitter.com/BX1MBVZQgf
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anita @anitamurs
@julia_carta can't wait to see what fantastic work on show tnght xxx
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olilyttelton @olilyttelton
Oh, shit, @georgiamaguire's starring in a film at the LFF! whatson.bfi.org.uk/lff/Online/lov…
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Stephen Grant @stephencgrant
To all those doing the Fringe, remember - an enjoyable fringe is a successful fringe. Have fun and the good stuff will follow :)
262d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Fucked some pussy last night! I mean the drink. The ring-pull severed my dorsal artery; I lost a pint of blood and will never have children.
281d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'Imma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my humps.' 'No, I asked where the library is. You've failed your French oral exam.'
281d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Find your pornstar name by becoming a lapdancer before being spotted by a porn mogul who promises money and a safer working environment.
282d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Early isn't it!? I wouldn't know, this is an automated tweet - I'm still sound asleep. Enjoy your day douchebag.
282d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I've managed to get a six pack. A SIX PACK OF SNICKERS BARS LOL! But seriously I've managed to get them up my ass.
283d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Mick Jagger wakes. Nurse comes in. 'I headlined Glastonbury last night.' 'Of course you did Michael. Eat your porridge.'
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I keep buying the same clock, time and time again.
299d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'Work, work, work, work, workin' on my shiiiit' - Iggy Azalea with constipation
299d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I like seabass but I prefer seabaritone.
299d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
The guy that first discovered cows milk was into some pretty weird shit.
300d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Lazy sunday in my fave coffee shop doing some emails #lovesundays instagram.com/p/a50LcPLmG2/
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Just ate vegan! Delicious! Pretty weird killing and cooking a vegan though.
301d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Overheard teenager on bus: 'Nah man, it'd be my first offence, I got a clean slate blud. And security in matalan is shit.'
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
FLY MY PRETTY EMAIL! (cc @EE @TMobileUK) pic.twitter.com/2BDWmHc8Ow
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Bloody car won't start this morning. pic.twitter.com/rqxnAIkgvx
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
My homophobic PE teacher once told me after rugby to 'leave your hand bag at home next time'. I was disgusted. It was clearly a clutch.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I AM THE NEW MACKLEMORE vine.co/v/blIuz1F21xb
311d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Your stool is red. Your urine is red. You ate three whole beetroots yesterday. You're fine.
311d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Do you know it takes 26 muscles to smile and only one muscular guy in the gym to give me a boner.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'Kanye, what sort of shellfish have you put in my salad?' 'THAT SHIT CRAY'.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
So awkward when you think you're alone on a train and do a fart, only to realise you've actually just shit the bed.
321d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Really fucked up my audition to be the new doctor - I was so nervous and just completely forgot how to perform a triple heart bypass.
322d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Another complaint letter, en route to @StarbucksUK as we speak. pic.twitter.com/gWnvT7uB9z
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I've got volume on max listening to Macklemore in the car park of a harvester. YOLO.
326d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I think the UN should introduce 'not having to be around pensioners using shopping trolleys' as a basic human right.
329d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
In honour of Comedy Week on YouTube every joke I have told has had a 30 second gap in it for 'buffering'. Also most them have been shit.
331d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Someone just asked me how to make toast! Use your loaf!
332d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
An anagram of 'Conservative Party' is 'Backward Wankers' if you're not too fussed about the rules of anagrams.
333d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'I'll be with you in a bit' is the absolute worst thing to text A$AP Rocky.
334d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Are you referring to your contract with Little Mix? RT @SimonCowell The weirdo who locked up those girls.
337d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I'm trending* on twitter! (*If by 'trending' you mean 'wasting hours of my life').
340d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If you dig a hole down in a straight line you won't get to China but you will experience poor working conditions for no money.
341d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'Hi guys, remember me!? I remember you! I'm the guy who served you your coke. Well I've got a surprise for you! I jizzed in it. Fuck you.'
344d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
What do you get when you mix a dog with a bear? An animal that inevitably dies during birth.
345d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I bet George R. R. Martin is a sweet lay.
346d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Went out last night and picked up a few chicks! I mean the small animal not women lol!!!!! Got pretty weird when I had sex with them.
347d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
How come stool can mean 'poo' or 'a tall chair' and yet 'diarrhoea' is all over my bed and in my pants this morning.
349d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
My mum has smoked salmon but she prefers to snort tuna.
352d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
UKIP? Yes actually I could do with a snooze after all that racial intolerance.
352d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
TRUE FACT: The brain doesn't have any pain receptors; the sensation of a headache is actually you being a whiny little ponce.
358d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Just got my penis caught in a zip! So painful! That'll teach me to have an orgy with the cast of Rainbow.
359d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If a 'leg man' finds legs sexy and a 'breast man' finds breasts sexy, then I'm a bin man.
363d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Can't believe I've been accused of being condescending by some fucking low life little piece of shit.
363d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If water with bubbles in it is 'sparkling' then I didn't fart, I sparkled.
363d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
You say 'potato' I say 'actually that's a picture of George Osbourne.'
363d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Woman in park was like, 'your dog is too aggressive' and I was like, 'your kid is too delicious'.
364d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Someone in this urinal has been eating asparagus. What a weird place to eat!
366d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Weird how British people 'live in a flat' and American's 'live in an apartment' and I 'live with my parents and have no sex life.'
366d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Touched a lot of flesh on my date last night if you know what I mean!!! On second thoughts a date in an abbatoir is pretty disgusting tbh.
366d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I put last night's meal on my card and now my wallet stinks of bolognese!
367d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Why is my friend Justin's penis so small!??!?! The clue's in the name!!!! He was JUST INvolved in a horrific cycling accident.
369d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Thinking of my late father today, wondering where he is now. He's not dead, he was meant to be at lunch 45 minutes ago!
370d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Only spotted this as I was getting OUT of the bin. pic.twitter.com/NmU6sqp6om
370d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
FUN FACT: The mom from 'Stacy's Mom' has been dead for 4 years.
372d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I planted a light bulb and it didn't grow but I inadvertently won the Turner Prize so that's cool.
375d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Keys. Check. Phone. Check. Wallet. Check. Everything I own is patterned.
375d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
What was Steve Jobs favourite type of pie? One presented in minimal packaging. The filling was apple obvs.
376d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
My laptop changes 'jizzing' to 'jazzing'. Brings a new meaning to 'jazz hands'.
377d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I'm pretty bad at pulling women but I'm VERY good at pushing them into canals!
377d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Driving with the top down. My car isn't a convertible. I have had a very serious car accident.
378d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Top prank on my mate Rob - said I was going to the toilet and then left the pub!! Rob is my dog, he is missing please help.
379d in reply to joelycett               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'I got love for you if you were born in the eighties' - paedophile in the nineties
379d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
An elephant never forgets but it can't tell you what it remembered so its pretty shit tbh.
379d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
It's days like this that make me feel lucky to be alive (i.e. days when I have had unprotected sex with a 73 year old prostitute).
382d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I bet will.i.am gets really annoyed when he accidentally goes to a web link instead of copying and pasting his own name.
383d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
It's important to remember the meaning of Easter which is that Jesus laid an egg and was then crucified on a bun and a rabbit watched.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
GOOD Friday?! More like I'VE GOT WOOD Friday!!!! LOL!!!! There's been only one day in March when I haven't cried myself to sleep.
386d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I spy with my little eye only about 10-15% of the things I can see with my fully grown eye.
394d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Girls Aloud split? I'd like to see Girls Aloud DO the splits! I have poor social skills and am unemployable!
395d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I've had 3 avocados today if by 'avocado' you mean 'enema'!
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Watching a documentary on Oscar Pistorius hosted by Rick Edwards. Next I'm watching a holocaust documentary hosted by Barney the Dinosaur.
404d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Apparently it's National Woman's Day which is great cause I love women. Many of my best friends own one.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Chilling by the protein powder in Holland Barrett trying to pick up men.
409d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
What's the difference between Justin Bieber and a bus? You have to wait two hours for one and I can't be bothered to finish this joke.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Odd that my iPhone autocorrects aubergine to AUBERGINE, as I have no recollection of a time I've needed to shout it.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Pitbull's new video is really tragic. Just lots of shots of him being ignored at parties looking like someone's dad. pic.twitter.com/oRYijqpIHR
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
A guy in Tesco Express just said, 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!' and everyone stopped what they were doing to laugh and applaud.
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
AMAZING TRUE FACT: If you rearrange the letters in THE POST OFFICE you get removed from the building by force and charged by the police!
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
There's an indescribable energy and atmosphere when The Script perform live. It's like all human history was building towards this moment.
427d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
By now Kelis' milkshake will be a strong blue cheese.
427d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Did anyone else just see that massive fireball in the sky? Terrifying. pic.twitter.com/ojFqkTSd
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Colour is irrelevant. I'm leaving you for Steve.
430d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
When I forgot my homework I'd say, 'the dog ate it miss, but I got it back' before presenting a sheet of A4 drenched in dog blood.
435d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
OMG I just found some horse meat... IN MY PANTS.
435d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
This is on its way to my local MP @RogerGodsiff pic.twitter.com/iJM4iiQJ
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If I'm ever a father I will impress my kids by saying, 'do you remember your first house' and then point at my balls.
441d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? One! Changing a lightbulb is a simple task and both men and women are equally capable!
441d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Condoms cost 99p. Nappies cost £6.99. Make your baby shit in a condom!
444d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
People say my short term memory is shit but I say, 'where am I?'
444d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If you close your eyes, spin to the left thirteen times, pat your head and rub your belly... it won't bring her back!
444d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If life gives you lemons then congratulations! You just got some free lemons!
445d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Busy day. pic.twitter.com/WU5HmPun
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'I like to start the day on an egg. And end the day on an egg. And spend the whole day on an egg.' - Hen
445d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Trying to show the power of twitter to my friend. Please RT and if I get to 1,000 I will kill his dog!
445d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I hate it when people call gay men 'fudge packers' when we all know it's not 'fudge' but 'poo'.
445d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
My uncle Dave suffers with short term memory loss - in many ways he is a real life Dave +1.
445d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
My Dolmio day was 8th February 2004 and I haven't had one since so stop asking you puppet wanker.
452d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
If Subway is 'where winners eat' then I am a loser, along with everyone else in this fabulous Michelin starred restaurant.
455d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'Four legs good. Two legs bad.' - Tables for Dummies
489d               
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Alain de Botton @alaindebotton
The best way to cheer someone up is to be so dark as to exceed their worst fears - and so raise a compensatory laugh.
492d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
PRISON CHAT: 'I kidnapped, tortured & murdered seventeen women. What are you in for?' 'I got married to another man in a church.'
494d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
God: 'All things bright & beautiful, all creatures great & small, all things wise & wonderful, it's me who made them all. BUT NOT GAYS.'
494d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Why did Santa call one of his reindeer 'Prancer'? Because that one was gay.
495d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Why did Santa shank a baker in an alleyway? He thought he was a mince spy. #gbhsanta #lifesentence #elvesonbenefits
495d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
SHIT CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE DAY: Why did Father Christmas refuse to sign a contract? Because it didn't have a Santa Clause. #lol
495d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
CHRISTMAS JOKE TIME: Why did Santa need waterproofs? Because of the rain, dear! (Also the reindeer kept pissing on him.) HAVE A GREAT DAY!
496d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Finally finished my Christmas shopping pic.twitter.com/fHwa9Tv2
497d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Had my hair done, what do we think guys? pic.twitter.com/Lps7A7Vg
499d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
When I'm older I'll be able to tell my kids, 'I remember a time without the internet... because we had broadband with BT'. #keepscuttingout
500d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Just did a poo that looked like a Ferrero Roche. SLEEP WELL TWITTER FRIENDS.
500d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
A dog is not just for Christmas - dog tastes delicious all year round!
501d               
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Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Leveson says the media objectifies women. At least I think that's what he said I was too busy looking at his tits!!!!11 LOL RIGHT LADS!?1?11
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20
Tomas Gemine @TomGemine
First time in Nando's with my sister and I see the bloke of impractical jokers on bbc3 pic.twitter.com/kg3IR4Aj
505d               
14
12
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
'These Costa receipts fit perfectly in my wallet' - No one
506d               
9
53
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
This should get them off my back for a while. pic.twitter.com/iVHtez0h
525d               
92
242
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Would be better if Derren Brown convinced Robert Pattinson he'd made a good film and then revealed it was all a hoax #apocalypse
540d               
28
100
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Your momma's so ugly she has confidence issues which have crippled her throughout most her life.
548d               
11
32
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I could eat a horse right now*! (I have just killed and butchered a horse).
550d               
3
8
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Hey I just met you and this is crazy but get in the van.
552d               
22
119
Jeremy Monkey @JeremyMonkey
Evening night owls. I've 500 words to write before bed. Specific ones, I mean. In a specific order. You knew that.
558d               
1
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Your rockstar name is the first name of your best friend and the fragrance you're wearing. Mine is 'Invisible Piss'.
559d               
18
64
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I'd love one judge to say, 'It's not bad news. It's really bad news. You're shit. Get out of my house.' #xfactor
566d               
32
193
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
I like my men like I like my gin - in large quantities whilst crying over old episodes of Sex and the City. And called Gordon.
567d               
15
34
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Tried to spice things up in the bedroom but my girlfriend thinks cayenne pepper 'ruins the sheets'.
567d               
10
14
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
When I get an erection I call it 'having an iPhone 5' because it gets taller! To a maximum of 4 inches.
578d               
6
6
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
This broken vacuum totally blows.
580d               
3
4
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
Give a man a fish and you very quickly get yourself a bad reputation at the Vegan Society. Teach a man to fish... worse.
589d               
5
14
Master Joe Lycett @joelycett
To save time I've had my maid's name changed by deed poll to 'Don't you dare make eye contact'.
591d               
3
5
Kerry McCarthy @Kezsez
@joelycett bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00… 26:37 minutes in! xx
692d in reply to joelycett               
1
NietzscheQuotes @NietzscheQuotes
Man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter. #Nietzsche
840d               
43
130
Sarah Millican @SarahMillican75
As of today I have sold over 100K DVDs making me the first female stand up to do so in 10 years. I'm a little teary on the train.
857d               
69
310
Alain de Botton @alaindebotton
We focus on solving individual worries, forgetting we are just perennially anxious people, who endlessly replace one concern with another
1472d               
92
90
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