We found 188 favorite tweets.
Love the way you kiss it.
Put your lips right here and make me cum.
Just posted a 5.44 km run with . Check it out!
Have you ever watched "Nymphomaniac vols. 1 & 2” and felt so happy that your wife is a cold dead fish?
I let my 6 year old use our camera for a few minutes and the selfies he took will probably get me a visit from the SVU.
Oh my god you guys!
Someone's calling me,
It's ringing! What do I do?!
Fuck sending flowers. Show me you care by having a pizza delivered to my broke ass.
I smirk the entire time they work on my car at Mr Lube.
Plot twist: my cats follow me around all day taking pictures of MY cute wittle face.
This bed feels like you should be tucked inside my body heat
When your ex texts you and you're like haha nopeeeee. Not today satan, not today.
I'll let you go as soon as I know what it's like to be wrapped in your arms
Please send some of your men across the border, we need them here,
That's right, I said it American guys.
It's a shame that Coldplay didn't go with the other band name they considered, "Fuuuuuuuck, Not This Shitty Song Again."
Behind every Wisecrack is a Smartass trying to hide their ButtHurt.
I'll need pantie allowance with all the times you make me drop them
Relationship Status: Woke up and my entire arm was asleep. It's nice to feel like someone else is playing with my boobs for a change.
It's amazing... All the thoughts in a little girls mind. Growing up isn't easy!
Don't ask me why I you. Ask yourself, why are your posts are so shit. 😁
I don't understand your @'s
Proof that there is life after death.
I believe it called the divorce.
You will fill my dreams, like you always do..
I feel like we're fading fast
Women who go after married men.
So many colorful words to describe them, with desperate being in the forefront
That RT sounds like the mindset of a Home Wrecker.
ICQ - groundbreaking - it took me 2 years to realize it wasn't an emergency dept!
The BEST ppl in my life I don't see every day, every month, or for some, every year...but when I DO see them:: it's like we spoke yesterday
My "messy bun" just looks like I haven't combed my hair in weeks
I just sneezed one of my crest white strips off, is this sexting? AM I PREGNANT?
Fact: sharing a room w someone, your phone is 100x brighter.
Nothing says "I want to have a long, meaningful relationship with my cellulite" quite like this plate of chili cheese fries.
Presses hard throbbing tweet into your tight wet TL.
Any time you go to eat a chocolate bar just remember how god awful you look naked
Fake accounts, multiple accounts, buying followers, stealing tweets, trolls, etc.
Man there's a lot of desperate fucks out there.
If you put an onion in a pan with butter your family thinks you're cooking FYI
I had cassettes. Never vinyl though.
My guardian angel...
Doesn't exist because: no heaven, no hell, just our bleak existence moving toward death here on earth
*pulls away from kissing*
*waits for phone to unsteam*
*has a few drinks to ask you some personal questions
*forgets all the answers
Hey dudes who keep licking their fingers and sticking them in our vags. Do you use a fork to eat soup too?
Use your tongue, Freak!
All a girl wants is a perverted guy that will make her feel like she's the only girl in the world. Is that really too much to ask for?
Spent my last day of vacation with a 5 yo Dictator, she finally fell asleep so I shaved off her eyebrows.
11:15am wakes up/takes off mask/checks iM,whatsapp,twitter,instagram,email,phone msgs,calendar. Oh Shit!15min to wineoclock!@blondecalamity
My spirit animal wants to fight your spirit animal to the death. He's pretty aggressive, sorry about that.
Ends up pregnant with your finger bang baby
I hate when I spend an hour aimlessly opening every social media app again and again... and he is still gone
Today one of my toddlers said she hates me
Quite frankly I'm disappointed it took her this long
Pants are such cockblocks
Being left cause love was lost is never as hard as being left cause love was out of reach
*Joins Cheer Squad...
'Give me a D!'
That's it! I want the D.
Drinking wine and watching the fire is all nice and relaxing until your dead dog shows up in the flames 😳
Please, please let it be door number two.
abs are for vain people. *rubs generous belly*
Brain says the latter, but vodka always insists on the former.
Deserves a follow just for the great Avi...Makes me laugh every time I see it.
Not unless they made a sequel and his wife goes to bring him back.
What this isnt a publicity stunt.
I don’t need to be a personal trainer to make your muscles grow.
*trips over own feet*
Lick her? I hardly know her.
Oh, you said liquor. Yes please.
Hey ladies, if you don't have a vibrator.. what the fuck.. go get one.
Drank a half a glass of water before realizing there was no gin in it.
It was just WATER. 😱
My superpower is posting enough left wing stuff on FB that I cause a shitstorm where everyone I know gets involved. Then I sit there smiling
I've gotten my hair stuck in doors and windows so often that hair pulling has lost its effect... so don’t talk to me about your problems.
That would be me :) I need to acknowledge that the quote really belongs to who was kind enough to let me use it.
I don’t need you to fix me. I just need you to get me.
I just had to explain to our TRAVEL OFFICE that round trip means there and back.
This. Is. Why. I. Drink.
that feel when u accidentally unmute your porn during a conf call
anyone looking for a programmer?
Always a bridesmaid never a bride...THANK FUCK!
After just a few months my 7yo tells me she wants to quit violin.
I'm not raising a quitter.
She can thank me later for not allowing it.
I almost bought this sweater dress at lunch but there was a mark on it. Too bad....
Waiting for all the "I suffer from Parkinson's too" tweets.
Middle-aged men and earrings: just say NO.
When eating raw mushrooms, after having washed off the manure, it's good to know that the manure is not just poo. It's sterilized poo.
Show me what forever feels like.
My inner thighs are touching and I don't like it but not enough to not eat another taco .. Or 4
Here's a fun activity.
Explain the difference between need/want to two kids while back to school shopping.
When I look at you all I see is static.
Today is a day for cupcakes & orgasms. Have a cupcake & you'll orgasm or have an orgasm & pop out a cupcake
No idea what I'm talking about
First day off after finals? Binge-watching Netflix it is!
Awwwww, Trouble in pretend paradise??
Maybe you can join me in this meeting and I can doodle with your noodle..
I became an adult the day I chose a cookie with dried fruit rather than chocolate (that was today)
Seems a whole lot of homo sapiens globally behaving like privileged assholes. Shitty. You'd think we'd know better by now...
Trying not to buy anything at urban outfitter is such a struggle 😓
Don't even talk to me about adrenal fatigue
Ladies! If you ask a guy if your new top shows too much cleavage...you really don't get how this works
I listen to rap music like,
*blink, blink* "I have no idea what's going on here"
I will be on vacation for the next month, hope you all enjoy the remainder of the summer💋. See you all in September!
Ssssssh, I'm trying to keep it on the down low. I don't want my girlfriend to get jealous.
Me: I need to get a new set of hip-waiters, I destroyed mine last night
Him: Night fishing?
Me: sure... let's go with that
👈Someone thought my avi was a person's 👈butt...
👈Um NO SIR, ITS MY GROWING BELLY
By all means, reply to my tweets with serious @ replies. I'm always in the mood for a good laugh.
SOMEONE seems to think yesterday's pre-run pic made my ass look big...its not small, but... IT'S NOT BIG...you Ass!!
Serious love from
makes my fucking day!!!
Real men love it when you fuck with them.
Big meeting today..
Let's see if I can pay attention to my numbers & not your hot ass bending me over my desk..
Gonna be a challenge
Dementia is slamming my dad. Still in great physical shape, but sadly he's losing it. He was man enough to give up driving for others safety
My TC has no idea how dangerous I really am.
Let's keep it that way.
Masturbation and Coffee...
Perfect way to start my day..
Thanks for the cup!! this cute little lady...She's always one of my faves & a reg on my TL! XO💋
If you think of her, send her a text.
Trust me. She'll like it.
I'm not a fan of spiders.
Making coffee like a boss.
Do not force a girl to do something by trying to make her feel guilty.
So when is the United States of America going to invade the United States of America to restore democracy and freedom?
Twitter Notifications, but with my dick in your mouth.
I need a drink
& Some serious
Somethin Somethin !!!
Girl in the next hospital bed is screaming that she's a sea captain,laughing nonstop & drooling
Hoping to get her meds & Twitter handle
There to hunt moose, not bear, but thought bear was going to charge us, sorry clawed dude, you had to die. I stopped hunting shortly after
You're the frosted tips, popped collar & GTL of people.
Ok I get it, you guys don't like it when I have opinions but guess what, I don't fucking care.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
From one narcissist to another: This is the culture of narcissism.
The Tragically Hip - Ahead By A Century: via VIDEO
Twitter to me is a field of muses. Like wildflowers planting seeds in my brain. Thank you for that. Keep spitting your shit tweeps.
Don't let my new avi fool you.
I'm still fucked up.
And starved of sex.
Whaaaaaat?? It's only Tuesday??!?!😩😩😩😩
I've had enough life changing experience. Can't life just stand still for just five fucking minutes?
I'm SO not a designer though. :/ Boo. :(
HOLY SHIT. It's been a dream of mine for 11 yrs to knit a shawl for .
I don't really know how marriages work but I don't think you have one anymore.
Yes, your fear of hamsters really compliments your rebel persona.
Of course I didn't read your blog. It's a blog. If I want your opinion I'll ASK YOU FOR IT, motherfucker.
So, we still on for Friday?
That awkward feeling when you realize you ate something your stomach is going to pay for dearly.... 😳😷😷😷
The thing about calling someone's bluff is that you risk them walking away from the table for good.
Trust me... I only LOOK huggable.
Insomnia is my minds way of telling my body to get it's lazy ass up, and work out!
Whatever your brain tells you, just know you are not a burden. You fucking matter and you are loved. The world is better because you're here
My butt has mosquito bites.
That's my brand new hashtag.
Water bombers fighting through the haze
My safety word is...
"I had dairy in the last 24 hours."
It's more like a public service announcement.
You're nobody unless Dana Carvey follows you on Twitter.
Watching Dead Poets Society as a kid was the first time I realized I wanted to be a teacher.
Depression is not a sign of weakness.
“: Billy Joel sings 'Uptown Girl' to Christie Brinkley, reminds us how to act post-divorce
You know those people who do nice things and don't care to be thanked?
I'm not one of them.
The one who laughs the loudest is always the best at hiding their pain.
Me: *moans, “I’ll stroke more than your ego”*
*sees your small penis*
*pets your dog instead*
I lost a friend the same way 8 years ago. He was the funniest guy I've ever met and today feels like I picked the scab off that wound.
Awww. Why Robin?
Breaks my heart. :(
Another great entertainer... Gone.
My thoughts are with Robin Williams' family and friends as I know the pain/shock/anger they are feeling. It never stops hurting.
Mental illness, the silent killer ...
Depression and anxiety , nothing to dismiss ...
RIP Robin Williams ... thanks for the laughs and memories ... you will truly be missed :'(
What ever happened to MIND READING, Gentlemen?!?!
I wish loving someone meant you could never hurt them instead of meaning you become the one who could hurt them the most.
Why have I been tagged in this? Wait, I should know this......:)
that's why I don't wfh, I'm all raw by the end of the day
I want my nudes back
-A Twitter Love Story
oooh.. tweet theft? call the mofo pooolice
Remember. I didn't invite you. You showed up.
I'm in heaven.
I want, I want, I want implants
YAY! It's Shark Week!
*stocks up on chocolate bars and tampons*
To win Monopoly Despot Edition:
-Opponents land on your property
-Declare martial law
-Confiscate all assets
-Send them directly to jail
In the still of the night, laying awake, begging for sleep, my thoughts turn to those moments that could have been, those moments I regret.
I'll finish this tweet one da
It's tough telling a young avalanche that they've peaked.
Because it's all downhill from there.
Getting married on Thursday
I have so many butterflies in my stomach, I can only assume she force-fed me caterpillars, while I was sleeping
Do you not realize that your cliques come across as elitism?
We just need to be an open community of people that vent.
With proper grammar
Ladies and gents, I'll be in Canada sooner than I thought. 😍🙌🎉👏💁
Tomorrow I'm giving my 2nd speech about overcoming domestic abuse & sexual violence at UWF, so honored & humbled. Be a voice not a victim.
On the eighth day, God created Science.
I seriously fucking love my crew of crazy friends. Even my Canada loves & 🙋🍁
The ONLY person who has ever called me mean, possessive, or bitchy was someone who's never met me in person & he ended up being a lying POS
Clearly the Canadians are dangerous if they're up past curfew. #19
Yeah, I'm still watching it. Isn't it past Canadians' bedtime? #19
We are, at our very essence, biological beings made up of DNA, which determines our reactions to environmental events. So what is free will?
The most awesome mugshot in existence! David Bowie mugshot, 1976; the year I was born. Neat :)
About to orgasm watching Axl Rose singing Patience.
Me? No, I'd never push the revolving doors faster as you were getting in.
a world of our own,
a secret sanctuary,
where we can share
our carnal needs
the innermost secret or hidden parts
Any Canadians out here wanna trade these for Lays Ketchup chips, I'll love you forever
What does it mean when you're the only one in someone's list? Should I be concerned?
Kidneythieves /Never & Me
I know where your mind is
the thick of the streets
calling in the souls of the blinded
microglial activation promoting unconscious drives as psychological immune responses to trauma …
Standards are just those annoying little things I have until the vodka kicks in.
Getting over my ex was easy because he's an asshole. Sounds like yours is to. Get over it.