Twopcharts
Favorite Tweets on TwitterYou can check up to the last 200 tweets that are favorited by any unprotected Twitter user.
@
You can also check out this feature on our mobile website
ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
MichelleDrunk tank. Need bail.2011-03-17
@Mildly_Filtered1,130 days
I wanna make you cry one way or another
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
1,7061,9596,6136411,305
We found 198 favorite tweets.
Lone_Star @Carter_TCB
Twitter is the only place you can be somewhat successful. And still feel like a piece of shit.
10d               
111
31
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
I paid a prostitute for $2,000 for the "girlfriend experience" and she immediately slept with my best friend.
34d               
766
420
SavoirFail @savoirfail
Jeeze, you ladies will follow anything with a tattoo on it...

*takes out penis, uncaps Sharpie
48d               
59
25
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
Twitter is great for when you feel like drunk texting the entire universe.
51d               
2,931
2,139
Sammy Rhodes @sammyrhodes
Has anyone ever seen Wes Welker and Rudy in the same room?
76d               
95
84
@infallibiIity
"Mom, can you pick me up please" pic.twitter.com/iDbODqPZVl
76d               
1,896
2,580
Christopher Sherk @TheIronSherk
This is the best Super Bowl party I've ever stared at my phone at
76d               
308
159
IX 九 θ´ @PinkHigh_
She only fucks with line leaders and niggas with the 64 pack crayons that come with the sharpener pic.twitter.com/faW6Lk1oHn
76d               
317
470
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
I just watched 2 guys in robot helmets win a Grammy so I guess what I'm saying is fuck this planet.
82d               
64
25
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Listen, it's my moped and I'll hang truck nuts from the back of the seat if I damn well please.
84d               
45
5
Rock @TheMichaelRock
If Cathy had 10 candy bars and eats 8 of them, why the fuck is she wearing yoga pants? Math is hard.
85d               
258
148
Adie @TheBlessMess
Parenting is basically repeating yourself until you say "Fuck It" and hope for the best.
86d               
279
117
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
Everyone I grew up with have careers and kids and on Saturdays I pretend I'm catching ghosts with my vacuum cleaner.
91d               
299
103
Cloyd Rivers @CloydRivers
College: Lendin' money we don't have, to kids who can't pay it back, to train for jobs that no longer exist. Merica.
95d               
1,054
1,328
James @JaySaysStuff
I just put my bedroom TV remote through a wash cycle with my bedding because I clearly have my shit together.
95d               
8
regina georgia. @HippieProblemz
I'm so fucking shy till u know me then it's like wtf
95d               
77
130
Tony P. @Steelers1972
I hate when my iPhone autocorrects "go fuck yourself" to "love ya honey"
95d               
111
38
The Eh Factor @AngelaEhh
I never know what to say when I get a dick pick.

.. nice veins?
.. good girth?
.. are you legal?
96d               
612
254
Tony P. @Steelers1972
Nope, I'm not distracted. I'm genuinely disinterested in what you are saying.
97d               
148
96
Tony Cruz @IvanMolinaTX
"Age" should never be a problem in a relationship.
97d               
30
17
BerryDLite @BerrryDLite
You ever write a tweet and wish you could trophy yourself for making yourself laugh.
97d               
291
161
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Misery loves company...

Misery is what I named my penis.
98d               
37
1
Fuckin Bob @gwatts77
No names needed.

You're either programmed in my phone as "Fuckable" or "Not Fuckable"
102d               
475
201
Stevieoneda @stevieonedar
pic.twitter.com/xhPo8IzZdJ
104d               
8
1
Blonde Bombs @blondebombs
Wow you can find a typo in my tweet but can't find your baby's daddy
108d               
1,158
715
Joyous @Joyous518
@Mildly_Filtered and normally he posts them on the bulletin board for a few days... but mine.. no such luck.
109d in reply to Mildly_Filtered               
1
Joyous @Joyous518
Last time I did laundry, as I was leaving I watched some lil kids laughing, throwing around and chasing my stray sock! I lost that one :(
110d               
2
Sean Murphy's Law @awesomeseank
Stick your dick in a Wiccan and she'll start screaming about God.
110d               
15
5
Edward @fuckmylife2hell
Old friend f'd up and is going to prison for 18 months. He's an Apple geek so I thought this was an appropriate gift. pic.twitter.com/3bDbTV0uKw
110d               
4
RED 6 @RED6
FYI I couldn't care less about headphone users and whether or not they rest in peace.
113d               
12
1
Tony P. @Steelers1972
Before Twitter, I just screamed all this shit out loud ....
114d               
534
311
RED 6 @RED6
the fight before christmas (alternate take) vine.co/v/h9eFprAeBhi
114d               
7
4
Jacob Reuter @iamjacobreuter
Straight guys turn so gay when they walk through a spider web
114d               
12
4
RED 6 @RED6
the fight before christmas vine.co/v/hEV20ahJ2Lv
116d               
9
4
Russ-hole @PretzelNY
Frozen pipes. I just took a shower in 3 inches of cold water. I do love my new vagina though.
122d               
6
1
Happy Midget @luckleprechaun1
Her: I like your chest hairs.

Me: I like your chest boobs.

Her:...

Flirting is hard.
123d               
305
189
@TitansHomer @TitansHomer
Other than the World Series, nothing really beats the atmosphere at a big wrestling event. Fans into it for 3 straight hours!
123d               
26
5
chris maines @eaglepatriot55
@NotJPo @EvilPandaX I love dry humor.
124d in reply to NotJPo               
2
kay-riss-ee @KayAreIEssEssY
Early 🎄🎁best customers every at the zone! #goodguy #vetern #friend instagram.com/p/h_b1QLCeh6/
124d               
1
Russ-hole @PretzelNY
I'm "I want my 2 dollars!" years old
124d               
4
n2o @1evilidiot
Ladies, stop examining your bodies under a magnifying glass and picking yourselves apart! Trust me, we're not.
125d               
82
19
JPo @NotJPo
My gang is so hardcore, we don’t even moisturize, muthafuckas.
125d               
148
38
Donkey Brains @PYWL
The poster-child for sadness is the grown man carrying a bucket of Tidy Cat across a mall parking lot on a Sunday afternoon.
125d               
35
4
Dirt McTurd @DirtMcTurd
I hate when I go to wipe & there's no toilet paper so I have to get more with my pants at my ankles. People at this Taco Bell hate it too.
125d               
426
241
Eric @whatchamafuckit
Alone in the woods late at night, a flashlight snaps on ahead of you, moving your way.

“Hello?” you call.

No answer.

It speeds up.
126d               
10
Bobbie Oliver @thebobbieoliver
Just accidentally signed up for paperless billing. In other words, that bill will never get paid again
126d               
18
9
Eric @whatchamafuckit
What in the hell?? Opened my dating app in a new city & found this. I fucking give up on trying to find love, y'all… pic.twitter.com/esOhKh3zrX
127d               
13
2
Whatevers Clever @wittybigtwittys
"Oh fuck here we go"- Me anytime anyone walks in the room
463d Retweeted by whatchamafuckit               
1,022
630
Knave @man_in_radiator
Stop mentioning the lifelong friends you've made on Twitter, you fucking faggots.
127d               
52
18
Dirt McTurd @DirtMcTurd
I'd rather listen to my grandparents talk about anal sex then listen to drunk white girls when their favorite song comes on.
127d               
701
425
Mad Max @ou812didyou
I guess the kids department at Target during Xmas rush isn't the best time to undo my belt to fix that belt loop I missed.
127d               
3
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Twitter is just like having sex with my wife; I'll probably try again tomorrow.
127d               
62
15
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!

Me: I had my heat on.

CW: I meant outside.

Me: I don't live outside.

CW...
128d               
295
166
Richard Gillard @RickyBaby321
@Mildly_Filtered @WTFthatHURT Well that's just mean!
128d in reply to Mildly_Filtered               
1
DoesItMatter @LuvsOralFun
@Mildly_Filtered aww my pleasure the tweets kept getting better I couldn't stop myself !!
128d in reply to Mildly_Filtered               
1
Matt @mattelgato
"Hey. I hate those people over there. Do you hate those people over there too?"
"Yes."
"Nice."

- love, I imagine
128d               
147
60
PoohBear™ @pbear79
I "kill you so no one else can have you" love you.
128d               
12
3
Richard Burgauer @richburgauer
The polar ice caps are melting, and the polar bear population is declining. But it's okay: I saw a "Build-A-Bear Workshop" at my local mall.
128d               
20
6
mσσηѕнιηє вαℓℓєяιηα @tupacasnack
'bitch better have my money' i say as i roll up to the bank teller window to withdraw $5 from my savings account to buy sour patch kids
128d               
76
44
Marcia Gay Hard-On @bmarked21
Did you guys know there are happy people on here?
129d               
17
6
Blake Henderson @WorkaholicBlake
slappin that ass from 8 feet away pic.twitter.com/EAQHjVYFxi
129d               
848
808
Grizwald @gubleyworrall
If I didn't drink how would my friend's know I love them at 2am??
129d               
3
1
winston smith @greggoodman77
I hate my job, but I like money. It's weird.
129d               
31
9
Sean Yeatts & Ham @seanyeatts
What a beautiful night, i think I'll have a panic attack.
129d               
153
78
Shelly @ForEllieSylvia
How does twitter work for twittercrushes?

Star = Expect some sexting
RT= You earned the extra hot pics
Trophy= Book your ticket

Close?
129d               
127
55
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
Like all guys, I tend to think with my dick. My dick is great at math and English but science really makes my dick hurt.
129d               
84
27
John Solo @Shock_Monster
Do you know what's sexy?

No, seriously, do you? I love Star Wars & Superheroes, I obviously don't have a clue about sex.
129d               
298
122
Tweeting Dad @TweetingDadGuy
You don't know. Maybe having an affair will HELP your marriage.
129d               
76
23
Laura Pappy @LauraPappy
@Mildly_Filtered I actually covered my eyes for a second....so fucking brutal
129d in reply to Mildly_Filtered               
1
Puddin Tang @twylaredsun
When you text I can reply when I want, but when I text you, you better reply in 5 secs you lil motherfucker. Relationships are hard.
129d               
32
11
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
Why is it called a blow "job?"

I'm not getting paid for it.

Much.
129d               
54
15
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Only on Twitter are your cries for help starred, retweeted, awarded with a trophy & yet ignored all at the same time.
129d               
489
267
rob delaney @robdelaney
Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?
130d               
2,659
1,857
Brian @nerdonfire1
I don't mean to brag but I've been told to fuck off by several celebrities and one Muppet
130d               
64
28
Jaxon/Jaxoff @fillthevacuum
I'm at my most adventurous when putting my finger where I didn't get permission to put it.
130d               
143
93
DoesItMatter @LuvsOralFun
Don't hate me for being a sarcastic sexist pig...love me for being honest....
130d               
7
1
MONKology @CaniacMONK
I'm adventurous until my kid hands me a soggy cheez-it that she's had in her mouth and then tells me to eat it.
130d               
97
54
The Robfather™ @thatUPSdude
Walmart needs a 10 illegitimate children or less line.
131d               
125
66
some random dude @ScottKcco77
When your old and look like shit the only muscle that's gonna matter your heart. Not your abs. So pick someone with a good one.
131d               
128
89
Paper Wash© @PaperWash
My wife says I'm her best friend but gets mad when I call her a pussy for not shoveling the driveway. Women are so confusing
131d               
305
170
Dirt McTurd @DirtMcTurd
My girlfriend says she's my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing
131d               
503
293
MONKology @CaniacMONK
Oh my god!!!! Get ALL of the bread and milk NOW!!! Death to all who are not with us! Follow me to freedom!

-When it snows in the south
131d               
227
121
Derpelle @dansmellyoul8r
never again posting my snapchat username on twitter.... wut pic.twitter.com/vM1VAwD5WV
131d               
11
2
Alex van Beek @AlexvanBeek
Drink away your drug problems
..Or drug away your drink problems.

I don't know. I'm pretty fucked up.
132d               
193
91
LongSeanSilver @ReginaldDennys
I masturbate because I'm lonely and I'm lonely because I masturbate
132d               
246
111
Boyfriend Tips! @iBoyfriendtipz
Someone who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard u are to handle, but still wants u in their life.
132d               
1,076
1,366
why? @knot_eye
it's not gay if you're sad
132d               
192
104
America's Henchman @TheDailySchmuck
A black sheep is just like a white sheep.

But it wears its wool around its ankles and can't pronounce "ask."
132d               
240
142
Will Rodgers @WilliamRodgers
Being fat is hard...

But being Hungry is Harder...

*Finger bangs a jar of Nutella
134d               
245
115
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
Come on down to Radio Shack, we've got tons of shit on sale like this thing that plugs into this other thing, 4 VCR's, Gary, and batteries.
135d               
502
248
Matt @mattelgato
Imagine a bird. Now the bird has a gym membership. Now the bird's in Crossfit. The bird is swoll as fck. OMG THE BIRD IS RIPPING PPL IN HALF
135d               
56
16
Nanoelektra @ElektraLuxxx
the first time my dog brought me a beer it was awesome but now I'm trapped by thousands of beers I'm so drunk where does he get them from
135d               
1,393
602
NoLuckWanted @NoLuckWanted
I don't know if curiosity ever really killed any cats, but I once smashed a beer mug on a guy's head for asking my age.
137d               
523
236
Fuckin Bob @gwatts77
Fix-A-Flat, but for titties.
137d               
721
371
God @TheTweetOfGod
I'm thinking about writing the Bible again, only this time not on meth.
137d               
3,357
3,824
UberBoobs™ @psychogoddess
What the fuck is a thigh gap anyway???

Everyone has one when their legs are open so shut up about it.
137d               
65
26
Randamonium @torrami
At childbirth class so we can learn all about pooping on the table and vaginal tearing #blessed
138d               
98
18
nes @TheTennisPhenom
i just want someone to love me the way James Franco loves Seth Rogen
138d               
155
102
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Things I’ll never understand:

Why anyone would harm a child

Women

Women

Ozzy Osbourne when he talks

Women

Women

Women

Chicks

Women
139d               
370
157
iSAiAH FENNEL @Jamaicanjuice
The realest thing I've seen all night RT “@Seantaneous: see... a lot of yall don't care about death. you care about status.”
139d in reply to Seantaneous               
3
6
LexG @LexG_III
Paul Walker was awesome in that Kurt Russell way: Regular seeming dude, effortless, no pretensions, absolute minimum of bullshit.
139d               
62
54
Patrick McLellan @pmclellan
I don't know who to block, Paul Walker jokers or Aggie fans.
139d               
12
1
Red Red Wiiine @Jwine05
'@stephaniehas_ do you think this is appropriate? Think about what you just said. That's all I'll suggest.
139d in reply to stephaniehas               
1
MisanthropicNihilism @OnePunchKiller
I'd hate to see the way you fucking idiots would act if somebody you actually know fucking died.
139d               
9
3
RogueBastard @RogueGod
Twitter : Where morons go from wondering if Paul Walker is dead, to making jokes about him in a 10 minute period. Well played. Cunts.
139d               
67
24
The Robfather™ @thatUPSdude
Rest In Peace @RealPaulWalker and to his family and friends my prayers and thoughts go out to you.
139d in reply to RealPaulWalker               
70
36
Chris @Kid_topher
Well, apparently, the grim reaper doesn't care how attractive you are. RIP, man.
139d               
16
9
Melvin of York @MelvinofYork
So even MENTIONING explosives at an airport can get me locked up, but my plane is at gate C4. This is some entrapment bullshit right here.
139d               
144
54
God @TheTweetOfGod
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Fuck.
140d               
1,427
1,890
Stephizzle @skepanie
If a thigh gap is where I have a hole in the thigh area of my pants, then I have so many thigh gaps.
141d               
82
33
Craig S. @YUCKYBOT
The day after Thanksgiving is the one day when everyone's poop looks exactly the same.
141d               
40
8
elan gale @theyearofelan
Finally landed in LA. Gonna go hang out with my mom and be a good son. Love y'all. #SuckItDiane Happy Thanksgiving pic.twitter.com/P6oJiiuarc
142d               
1,637
208
elan gale @theyearofelan
@USAirwaysHelp hi I find a passenger on one of your planes to be annoying. If I give you money will you remove her? I want to buy her seat
142d in reply to USAirwaysHelp               
758
301
elan gale @theyearofelan
I don't really know what to do now I'm afraid to get out of my seat. This is like being on a roller coaster I'm scared and super excited
142d               
815
367
elan gale @theyearofelan
I'm not going to lie I am shaking this is so terrifying she is so angry at me it's kind of incredible
142d               
877
378
Adam Cuffe @AdamCuffe
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
142d               
17
11
Jason Miller @longwall26
Happy Thanksgiving! Embrace your loved ones! Wrastle your cousins! Make love to a tree! Judo chop a mountain! Become a werewolf! #drugs
142d               
111
34
Duke Awesome @paulbunyansdick
Just seen Bozo the Clown on the WGN float. Looks like he still sporting that classic Bozo Boner the kids always feared.
142d               
3
elan gale @theyearofelan
She has a connecting flight. Why doesn't anyone understand she has a connecting flight? Why do people not understand her needs?
142d               
774
486
elan gale @theyearofelan
Her family is very important to her, she says. Her family has a special recipe for stuffing. She needs to be there to help. It is crucial
142d               
847
545
elan gale @theyearofelan
Our flight is delayed. A woman on here is very upset because she has Thanksgiving plans. She is the only one obviously. Praying for her
142d               
2,040
1,183
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
A herd of Karens came in and bought all our mom jeans.
144d               
523
204
Stacy @Stexcy
C'mon and boil already you fucking cocksucker ~ me cooking
145d               
29
7
@L1NZO
It's GAME DAY, but we're playing the Redskins so...lol
145d               
3
2
sadvil @crylenol
STDs? Ha *takes a drag off an ecig* When you think about it, life is the sexually transmitted disease.
145d               
81
43
Steve Svehla @CoatCzech
Sorry you wrecked your car reading my "b safe out there" text.
145d               
33
Fuckin Bob @gwatts77
Ladies,

The best relationship you will ever have is the one where you fuck on the first date.

You're Welcome,
All Men
145d               
351
163
Fuckin Bob @gwatts77
Her: You got a condom?

Me: No worries gurrl, I'm on the pill.
145d               
184
88
Vikram @gvicks
Wife: Look At that drunkard Husband: Who is he ? Wife: 10yrs back he proposed me I rejected him Husband: Oh my god, he is still celebrating
145d               
32
59
Childish Gambino @DonaldGlover
my album 'because the internet' is available in 16 days.

12.10.13
146d               
8,127
9,094
Stingz @thatstings
I’m more of a consolation prize but it beats a night of boxed wine and talking to your cat
146d               
29
3
Dr. Glenn Pincock @TheWisdomBoner
when I put morbidly obese patients under anesthetic I have my way with them intimately.
146d               
2
1
Travis Mills @ilovetmills
Brunch dude instagram.com/p/hEjfC_yXzh/ pic.twitter.com/nXlluuvcUr
147d               
1,784
946
Shiana @_shiana
My twitter has quickly turned into my porn app
147d               
3
2
Fuckin Bob @gwatts77
Sometimes, when driving, I remind myself of what a relationship is like by masturbating to Siri while she yells directions from the backseat
147d               
174
78
Eric @whatchamafuckit
Unless your wedding registry is at a liquor store, I'm not buying you a fucking wedding gift.
148d               
6
2
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Sober twitter. Why do I even bother? Discuss.
148d               
36
9
Moe Cat @moecatsghost
#ff the most awesome @ChelseainNYC @axeslasher @rathburnrock @Mildly_Filtered @ParaJanitor @TheNearlyDeads @HotRxGirl @LauraFitLife
148d               
3
1
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
I don't need to watch Walking Dead because I work an office job.
149d               
103
35
John Solo @Shock_Monster
"Hey, let's get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!"

- Twitter
150d               
350
184
MONKology @CaniacMONK
Somedays I wouldn't wish my life on my own worst fucking enemies.
150d               
61
33
Happily Ever After @TruthfulNotes
They're real.. pic.twitter.com/JGe15ZClxY
150d               
363
359
meatlobes @meatlobes
I gently pull your hair back and kiss your neck
my beard is rough on your neck but you like it
I'm clenching my ass Cheeks, I have to fart
151d               
47
17
Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt
In Mexico, 3 shots of tequila is technically an over dos.
151d               
586
344
Denise! @StellaRtwot
I'm the kind of person that would still sleep 12 hours a day even if I was told i only had 3 weeks to live.
151d               
305
119
Princess Buttercup @GoldenSpirals
My favourite part of the date is when I cum.
152d               
216
90
Mike Reno @WhiskeySoured
😐🔫

@KimKardashian: Should I do long nails today? I LOVE my short nails & always regret when I try long but if they are slightly longer"
154d in reply to KimKardashian               
58
24
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
I wish I loved anything as much as I hate people.
154d               
352
187
Sean. @Seantaneous
it's funny how ppl will bother you when it benefits them but be ghost vice versa.
155d               
6
13
andy lassner @andylassner
At parent/teacher conferences my son's teacher said she's following me on twitter so goodbye you guys.
155d               
410
68
nick pants @SocialExtortion
I don't understand what happy people are trying to prove
155d               
244
114
Not your dream girl @nettie0918
The best part of a relationship is the beginning..... Like before they start trying to make you change.
155d               
447
282
jon hendren @fart
embarrassment!!! someone found my notebook where i had written page after page of hearts and “Mr. And Mrs. Grumpy Cat” over and over
156d               
87
10
Samuel H. Lowe @samuelhlowe
Don't forget to tell people who are depressed to "just cheer up!" because that shit hasn't crossed their mind yet.
158d               
929
796
Adam @MassageByTed
Is it technically a soul patch if it's just a hairy mole on my cheek?
158d               
8
jeremy @earthfalcon33
8==D this is literally what my dick looks like i hate my dick
160d               
49
6
Ryan @rzarosco
Before air conditioners were invented people were just basically dumb sweaty idiots all the time
160d               
81
39
Keith Allen Vanke @KeithAllenVanke
Going to be double fisting all night in this bitch 🍺🍺
160d               
12
Joel Danger @joeldanger
It's like geography doesn't want my dick to get sucked.
160d               
210
99
Jim without pants @JimWithoutPants
There are 2 types of people:

-those who love Miley Cyrus and will defend every slutty thing she does.

-those who don't have hepatitis.
161d               
47
29
nes @TheTennisPhenom
play with her butt not her heart
161d               
60
19
Laura Pappy @LauraPappy
@discoken: The person you've waited your whole life for lives in a bathtub full of mustard and smells like lemons.” @Kevy_Fresh
161d in reply to discoken               
1
Weed Tweets™ @KushJoint
I would give up smoking weed for you.......... Just kidding fuck that.
161d               
224
429
Christian @Chris_DelGrosso
I HATE LEAVING THE HOUSE WHEN MY PHONE ISNT FULLY CHARGED😫😫😫 #5MORESECONDS vine.co/v/hItz0u5ijYX
162d               
95
53
SeanSauce @SeanSauceTV
Favorite this tweet for a follow back CUZ I feel saucy as fuck right now!
162d               
460
19
The Beer Guy @TheBeerGuy73
Sex so hot that instead of a sandwich, she gets up and cooks you a fucking steak at 1 AM.
162d               
409
178
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
I like you, so do me a favor & get away from me before I emotionally damage you.
164d               
245
125
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
I bet when Chris Brown is hanging out with people & he says "YALL HEARD MY LATEST HITS??" all the girls duck.
164d               
38
7
Jessie @NicCageMatch
Olive Garden, day 96. Never-ending pasta bowl. Nothing can make it stop. Sacrificed child returned with spaghetti hair & breadstick limbs.
166d               
75
18
spaghetti @JeniScagnetti
Money does too buy love, I have bags and bags and bags of dildos.
166d               
18
3
Travis Mills @ilovetmills
New new instagram.com/p/gTjaoKSXwR/ pic.twitter.com/tCw6b9aYyB
166d               
1,894
1,041
SeanSauce @SeanSauceTV
Why does twitter think I am missing?! pic.twitter.com/29OLN6W81a
166d               
239
50
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
It's cute how cats have nine lives, but the people that own them don't have any.
166d               
305
188
beautiful baby @1beautifulbaby
You know what's a turn on?

When you know they only want you
167d               
871
601
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Go ahead & judge someone by their tweets alone, that says a lot more about your character than what it will ever say about theirs.
167d               
265
147
John Solo @Shock_Monster
Sometimes, faking a smile & telling a joke just isn't enough.
167d               
182
54
. @BaldyLockzz
If you fuck to country music , she automatically becomes a family member
167d               
62
29
Melvin of York @MelvinofYork
I’m pretty sure that in real life the end of that Pina Colada song would have been a fucking bloodbath.
168d               
223
90
jeremy @earthfalcon33
Brenda your grandpa brought a horse on my boat again and he's dropping the N bomb like crazy
168d               
38
4
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
With all the extra spare time I have while on twitter hiatus, I'll usually spend it seeing what's going on on twitter.
169d               
28
4
IG @samalmightysam
Let's be honest, we're on Twitter because our families are on Facebook.
170d               
1,173
993
Multiple Stab Wounds @SonOfCha
I tried putting "comedian" in my bio but twitter has seen my tweets & they won't accept it.
170d               
51
8
LJ Actually @Sickayduh
Her: If I'm gonna go down on you, can I have a hair band?

Me: Fuck yeah you can

*pushes PLAY on Skid Row CD
170d               
2,366
1,418
Vape Pen Greg @the_kizzle
am i the only one who says "im blowing up like u thought i would" in a biggie voice when my interactions are active
170d               
4
Joe, I think? @BeyondRefuge
You would look fucking awesome as a hood ornament.
170d               
13
1
Travis Mills @ilovetmills
instagram.com/p/gG98K4SX_I/ pic.twitter.com/ZzQY9eDfKr
171d               
1,626
1,116
Not your dream girl @nettie0918
Siri, who drew a dick on my face?
171d               
390
205
America's Henchman @TheDailySchmuck
Guys! I just got invited to a wizard's convention in the woods at midnight.

There'll be a bonfire and they sent me rope, too.

Seems legit.
172d               
249
118
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Dear Mom,

1996 called and wants their FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW back.
172d               
320
150
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Remember to tell everyone that you’re in a happy relationship, while craving attention by posting 10 selfies within 5 minutes on Instagram.
175d               
249
117
Bill Mc7 @BillMc7
Just read that 1 out of 3 women are sexually harassed at work. I wonder how many women out of 3 wish they were prettier. I'm guessing 2.
175d               
77
21
Just Bill @WilliamAder
Decided to use a spooky font for the sign I'll put on my door saying "I Ate All the Halloween Candy."
175d               
79
24
The Gay Farmer Guy @thegayfarmerguy
Oh, look, the guy with the beard avi is retweeting the sexual innuendo tweets from the lady with the boobs avi. Didn't see that one coming.
175d               
693
353
Diabēto @mojo_bones_
Call me when there's pumpkin spiced cocaine.
179d               
87
79
Mr Hand @SniffMyPickle
Let's hold hands on the way to the methadone clinic.
180d               
54
32
oh cool @toolatefriend
OMG WHAT IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN SALTED CARAMEL OR COCAINE
180d               
14
15
rain chick™ @allforandrea
You don't have to lose your life to feel you're no longer alive.
181d               
69
43
Smokey @SmokeEater1978
I work with some of the dumbest discourteous mother fuckers on earth.
182d               
6
For remarks, suggestions and complaints, you can contact us at: info@twopcharts.com. On Twitter you can find us here: @gl_twop_1000