Twopcharts
Favorite Tweets on TwitterWhile we are making some adjustments, we expect to be back online soon!

Unfortunately, after 5 years of providing you with Twitter data, we were now informed by Twitter that Twopcharts is suspended from interacting with the Twitter API for violating the Twitter Terms of Service. At this moment we do not know if and when this situation will be remedied, but for the moment we cannot provide you with data and analytics from Twitter.

We are very sorry about this situation and the inconvenience it is causing. We hope the situation can be resolved soon.

You can check up to the last 200 tweets that are favorited by any unprotected Twitter user.
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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
MichelleDrunk tank. Need bail.2011-03-17
@Mildly_Filtered1,283 days
I wanna make you cry one way or another
FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
1,7021,9836,7546511,546
We found 197 favorite tweets.
pourmecoffee @pourmecoffee
Had no idea this was an option. RT @NBCNews: Angry mob tosses Ukrainian politician into trash nbcnews.to/1mbMVBX pic.twitter.com/l91R2BPjec
3d               
2,347
2,933
Doth @DothTheDoth
Many years ago, in a tavern near hell, the worst people in the world all got together and invented decaf
27d               
103
56
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
I got 99 problems, and I can't see any of them.
37d               
3,273
2,642
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
The reason Guns N' Roses concerts never start on time is because Axl Rose refuses to leave CiCis Pizza while they're still serving.
37d               
36
10
Doth @DothTheDoth
My favorite villain? Easy. Carbon monoxide: the silent killer. Next question.
37d               
159
52
Nick @ScorpionDong
"Dude! What the fuck? No kissing!"
- all of my MMA opponents
37d               
445
213
ibid @ibid78
It's weird how we park on driveways but drive everything we love away.
37d               
709
325
Crazy Canuck @taps0420
Holy shit guys my phone works outside.
37d               
140
60
Paige @PeachCoffin
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." -people who don't understand even a little bit about mental illness
37d               
233
57
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
*stands on street corner watching people go about their everyday lives, smiling and laughing*
I don't like this at all
37d               
200
53
Inappropriate Charm @LackOfShame
My 5 favorite things to get:

1. Home
2. Pizza
3. Drunk
4. Laid
5. To sleep
38d               
338
231
dan mentos @DanMentos
I'm having my house remodeled and every time the carpenter hangs a door I say "that's my new jamb". They say the fire started in the garage
38d               
164
55
christopher. @fightforfood
Get elephant ears tattooed on the sides of your penis. Steal your grandpa's oxycontin. Fight a thick ankled softball mom. Live laugh love.
38d               
203
65
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"Do you want to see my chameleon collection?"
"No.."
"Too bad. You're looking at them RIGHT NOW."
38d               
278
100
Melvin of York @MelvinofYork
Whenever I stroke my cat’s back he automatically sticks his ass way up in the air. Unfortunately the same trick does not work on my wife.
38d               
99
24
Hazel Goats @hazelmotes1
Nothing is sexier than a man who washes the dishes and then does the laundry.

-women trying to trick you into housework
38d               
526
470
Inappropriate Charm @LackOfShame
I'm Jewish, but not "my nose gets in the way when I go down on you" Jewish.
38d               
329
133
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
"This is it"

*she leans in and kisses the frog*

*frog grows a jerry curl and starts singing When Doves Cry*

"Not the Prince I hoped for."
38d               
261
131
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
"Oh, you're left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show
38d               
1,090
518
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
Is there anything more socially aggressive than your friend handing you a phone and saying 'watch this' to a six minute video?
38d               
101
24
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
Girl, I'm gonna maim that pussy. I'm gonna put that pussy in a coma. Your pussy's family is going to sue me.
39d               
77
23
eric @dubstep4dads
iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires
39d               
9,193
6,389
Br&on the Cow @Brampersandon_
*a Peach is packing up his office*
*calls wife*
Honey, I've got some *sniffs* bad news.
*holds back tears*
I'm getting CANNED!
*sobs*
39d               
188
57
The Robfather™ @thatUPSdude
Depression is a silent horrible illness. I've seen hateful people on here tell others to kill themselves. That is absolutely unacceptable.
39d               
1,248
780
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Sorry I yelled "UNEXPECTED BAGGAGE IN THE BAGGAGE AREA" when you started talking about you ex
39d               
372
187
Sarcasticsapien @Sarcasticsapien
Sometimes I wonder how I'm single. But the majority of time the reasons are really obvious.
40d               
139
70
Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13
Wear a red shirt at Target. If anyone comes up to you just tell em, "no I don't work here, it's from all the blood." Then half smile 3 times
40d               
105
29
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
no clue where the fuck I am right now.
40d               
1,998
1,370
The Robfather™ @thatUPSdude
Stop mistaking followers for friends and you will get hurt a lot less.
40d               
192
121
Just Bill @WilliamAder
Is this Super Moon going to be on TV anywhere, because I'm not going outside.
40d               
106
35
Mindy Kaling @mindykaling
Yeah autocorrect I meant gu not hi
40d               
2,691
914
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
41d               
1,632
791
Eldge @Sickayduh
"Ewww how'd that get in the house? I don't wanna kill it. I'll just put it outside"

*scoops your baby up in a tissue*
41d               
247
121
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
My mom sent me to the store for Pringles, but I came back with tennis balls. #FML
42d               
2,304
1,202
Sage Boggs @sageboggs
"What should we call this salad dressing?"
French
"This one?"
Italian
"And this one?"
T H O U S A N D I S L A N D
"What the hell Rick"
42d               
3,036
1,356
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
Who wants to go see a movie tonight? haha just kidding I can't see shit.
42d               
2,714
1,803
Musky Lozenge @LostCatDog
ME: I noticed your sign for an "ATM Machine"
7/11 CLERK: yeah
ME: *smirk* you realize that's "AT Machine Machine?"
CLERK: oh for fucks sake
42d               
83
18
John @JohnASinclair
I want asphalt on the streets and 100% cotton in the sheets
42d               
58
27
Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff
[Prison Riot]
*Throws down soggy pillowcase* "Hey I wish one of you would have told me we were using BAR SOAP"!
42d               
166
49
Danny Charnley @DanKCharnley
IT'S FRIDAY! GONNA PARTY SOOO HARD TONIGHT!!
*dusts bookshelf*
*cheats at online chess*
*watches the Godfather Trilogy*
*rolls coins*
*naps*
42d               
92
39
The Guy @theguydf
Working from home feels a lot like watching TV all day.
42d               
63
14
Sage Boggs @sageboggs
The drafts my dad stressed over could've gotten him killed on foreign soil and the drafts I stress over are short sentences about butts
43d               
118
9
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
oh iggy wanna know "who dat who dat"? well DAT is Jesus Christ our lord & savior & he wants to be a part of your life
43d               
432
215
Jamie Woodham @jwoodham
Everything about Harry Potter is unrealistic. First of all, he had two best friends, which is like, way more friends than anyone really has.
43d               
925
374
Mark Leggett @markleggett
Now that white people are starting to get Ebola, we need a cure.
43d               
430
283
PaperWash© @PaperWash
Honestly I wouldn't even drink if I didn't have all this stress or kids or bills or family members or night time or beer or work or hands or
43d               
190
97
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don't have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
43d               
401
225
Nice Hippo @NicestHippo
[Therapy]
Doctor, I have a rare condition, I overreact when people correct me.
Actually that's common.
[I set myself on fire]
43d               
1,036
415
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Walk up in the club like WHOA, I'm way too fucking old to be here.
43d               
401
198
Brent @murrman5
[senses date is losing interest in me]
"my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine"
43d               
692
245
Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley
Oh you need a scapegoat? I thought you said skate goat!

*pushes goat on roller blades back into closet *

This is awkward.
43d               
427
231
Notorious P.U.G. @LuvPug
It's pretty cool how Marilyn Monroe takes time out of her busy day to tweet a bunch of inspirational shit
44d               
256
127
Blank. @sarcasm_inc
"Ever held a snake before?" asked the handler as he hands me one.
"Sure" I say as I twirl the snake like a lasso and fling it into the sun.
44d               
96
54
Yung TrapLord Savage @shegotagronk
Shake that ass for some Kohl's cash.
44d               
139
70
Pouetic Nonsense @s_cLaN07
Fruit flies are just regular flies who like the same gender.
44d               
26
5
Brent @murrman5
[sarcastic laugh]
oh yeah?
[sarcastic laugh]
yeah?
[sarcastic laugh]
well maybe YOU suck at thinking of comebacks
44d               
165
47
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
.@eHarmony #yes I agree #LoveTakesTime
44d in reply to eHarmony               
70
10
eHarmony @eHarmony
@EJGomez Not a special section but that would be an interesting conversation to have on an eHarmony date - we'd hope they'd be compatible!
44d in reply to EJGomez               
92
29
Eldge @Sickayduh
The court offered me a mandate and I was flattered but it's not my thing.
44d               
346
213
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
.@eHarmony do u have a section for people who want to know what really happened on 9/11
44d               
228
97
Brent @murrman5
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
"starting now?"
yes
"the judge looks like squints from the sandlot"
44d               
198
72
50 Shades Of Sex (; @LoveSexNotes
That look on your face, .... pic.twitter.com/psJlfNV3pF
44d               
177
106
Bitch Mittens @Jesssicle
The results are in, you have weird, ugly tits so stop tweeting them. Please and thank you.
44d               
51
18
Eldge @Sickayduh
Spent all day trying to get the gay community to refer to "Just the tip" as "half-assing it"
45d               
325
164
Princess Buttercup @GoldenSpirals
Why would you want to buy followers when you have so many who already don't acknowledge your existence?
45d               
152
105
Jay @theshamingofjay
If she doesn't know O'Doyle rules she's too young for you bro.
45d               
334
193
Ceej @ceejoyner
They love fog and bright lights so drive slowly in wooded areas to avoid hitting a lead guitarist.
45d               
1,196
588
Brian Essbe @SortaBad
*undresses you with my eyes*
"wow this is taking forever I probably should've used my hands instead"
45d               
797
291
Brent @murrman5
[video will]
"kids, if you're watching this then I guess I'm dead or you've been going through my stuff again, either way I'm disappointed"
46d               
446
184
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
[takes a stupid baby to Babies 'R' Us customer service]
"what's the return policy on this thing"
46d               
83
23
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
This entire country has gone to shit ever since they stopped putting prizes at the bottom of cereal boxes.
46d               
552
351
Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert
Twitter is like a match dot com for sociopaths.
46d               
126
28
Brian Essbe @SortaBad
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
46d               
3,374
1,276
Danny Charnley @DanKCharnley
cop:sir do u have anything in ur pockets i should know abo-
"NO. NO WAY"
*cop checks pockets*
the hells this?
*pulls out intact chili dog*
46d               
156
59
Jamie Lynn @Jay_FrickinLynn
Statistics show that 30,000 Twitter accounts were deactivated over the weekend. All by women named Karen.
46d               
239
110
Naïve American @Nahdude83
Me: How are those carrots?
Pony: *crunching*
Me: Can't talk, eh?
Pony: *crunches louder*
Me: Is your voice a little hoarse?
Pony: *stops*
46d               
326
157
Trey @treydayway
I think Hollywood misspelled Cocoon as Expendables 3.
47d               
121
61
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
What's that son? There's monsters under your bed? Why did you call me in here? I'm scared of monsters fuck you
47d               
2,301
1,020
Sage Boggs @sageboggs
Ebola is serious and awful and I can't stop saying it like the Ricola jingle
47d               
271
131
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
If I had a girlfriend I'd send her a picture of my terrible sunburn with the caption, "you're apeeling" But that's basically all I can offer
47d               
65
15
Ryan @rzarosco
It's nice that this 24 Hour Fitness membership is only 29 dollars a month but they will not let me leave. I've been doing abs since January.
47d               
105
23
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
Remember if you're watching a comedy to constantly look at the person next to you to make sure they're laughing too
47d               
88
22
BobbyFuckinLight @Well_Damn_Jesse
Tiger Woods and Jay Z baby picture pic.twitter.com/Lji9IPnafL
48d               
611
811
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight weird rocking chair that rocks by itself
48d               
606
193
mr. fisher @brocketxyz
I thought fuck, marry, kill was just the natural progression of relationships.
48d               
253
119
patrick @tastefactory
Hi nice to meet you. Let's squeeze each other's hands a little.
48d               
2,126
1,105
Dean @DeanOkay
There's two types of people on Twitter.
1. People who understand that nothing on twitter matters.
2. Idiots
48d               
305
242
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
I'm fucking lost
48d               
1,652
1,256
Bert @BertCarrillo
Are u breaking up with me?
"Yes"
Because I forgot your bday?
"No"
Because I drew dicks on your face with permanent marker?
48d               
99
41
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
Oh shit thought I heard something lol idk.
49d               
2,208
1,397
Blind Chow @BlindChow
*rolls an apple into hospital Emergency Room*

*doctors scatter like cockroaches*
49d               
1,410
758
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
Siri, Google search: how to tell my mom I could probably take her on in a fight one on one, prison rules
49d               
106
35
Just Bill @WilliamAder
Starting a second account where I'll explain the jokes on this account.
49d               
172
50
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
Facebook is down so Ive been calling all my friends to see what list of "29 Gifs That'll Restore Your Faith In Humanity" theyve been reading
49d               
122
29
k e e t @KeetPotato
[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it's beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website
50d               
683
297
Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn
Me: I just thought of a tweet!

Wife: In the middle of sex? We’re done. *leaves*

Now I have two tweets.
50d               
162
67
Bert @BertCarrillo
*Peddles bike up to a motorcycle gang* "The wind is nuts today."
*peddles off*
50d               
115
59
Tommy Noble @GeauxSaints79
911:

I'd like to report a Twief!

911: What?

A Twurglar!

911: I don't follow

You can't catch em like that. Hurry they're getting stars!
50d               
93
54
Just Bill @WilliamAder
What would Cheez-Its do?
50d               
108
32
Will Rodgers @WilliamRodgers
Batman: Y'won g'awy wiffis

Joker: What?

Batman: Y'won g'awy wiffis

Joker: ...

Batman: (Takes out retainer) You won't get away with this!
50d               
408
258
Loco Eric @ericsshadow
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON'S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
50d               
577
275
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post "Anyone know a good lawyer?"

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
51d               
382
190
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord that so does drake.
51d               
254
116
Hottass McMuffin @McKnightyBoo
You wanted to know me
So I let you
You wanted in my life
So I let you in
You wanted me to love you
So I did
You needed to leave
So I let go
51d               
322
181
jonathan smith @eaglehunter74
The dog bit my wife today. I don't think any harm was done though...

But I'm taking him to the vets just to be on the safe side.
51d               
8
1
DaddyJew @DaddyJew
Well well well if it isn't the guy whose lawn I woke up on
51d               
602
312
Brian @Black__Elvis
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: DO NOT BECOME SURGEON GENERAL, THE REAL GENERALS GIVE YOU WEDGIES AND DON’T INVITE YOU TO ANY OF THE COOL WARS.
51d               
529
273
Jamie Lynn @Jay_FrickinLynn
Pink Floyd: Hello

Me: Hi?

PF: Is there anybody in there?

M: Yes. There is-

PF: Just nod if you can hear me

M: Damnit, just let me shit!
52d               
265
158
Sorry not sorry! @ComedyTruth
me: i haven't taken a photo of me in awhile

*takes photo*

me: oh thats why
52d               
2,401
2,073
The Eh Factor @AngelaEhh
You haven't texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
52d               
1,029
511
Sorry not sorry! @ComedyTruth
That awkward moment when... pic.twitter.com/YIJtwcx2Ow
52d               
4,082
3,020
EJ Gomez @EJGomez
.@peta r u the verified account for the delicious bread or for the people who think mosquitoes go to heaven
52d               
208
108
It's Stephanie @Snarfernini
[On a blind date]

*OK, don't let him know you're Cobra Kai*

Daniel: So what do you do for a living?

Me: *sweeps the leg* NO MERCY!
52d               
747
379
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
I'm so old that I remember before wikipedia when you had to watch the movie version of the book you hadn't read the night before the test.
52d               
126
58
Bizarro Mark @Bizarro_Mark
I'll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I'll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can't reach the remote.
53d               
198
116
Babies Daddy @dshack8
Every time I watch Survivor I'm like 'I could totally do that.'

Then I go outside where there's no air conditioning & I'm like 'Fuck that.'
53d               
321
148
Cat Friendship Club @iLikeCatShirts
Favstar Bro is like Favstar Pro except instead of trophies, you give a popped collar polo.
53d               
27
10
Travis LeBlanc @TravLeBlanc
Yes, I'll have the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my date would like the ramen noodles, and could you please bring us the wine list.
53d               
208
107
Eldge @Sickayduh
Hey teens, you know who won't chirp you like that whack teacher at your school?
You know who wants to be your swag money bae?
Dat Jesus doe
53d               
136
62
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
"Instagram it then take me to the hospital. I'm losing blood so choose a filter on the way."
53d               
232
75
patrick @tastefactory
*pays pizza delivery guy* Thanks man, hey what're you doing right now, you hungry? You have any board games in that square zip up pizza bag?
53d               
137
32
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare
TREBEK: So apparently you have a special talent?
ME: Yes Alex, that's correct
TREBEK: Cool [Moves on]
53d               
465
96
Nathan @stockejock
All I want in life is the confidence of a fat kid at a buffet on his way up to get his second piece of cake.
53d               
115
44
L O R I @LoriLuvsShoes
If you had to choose between 1 million dollars or your spouse what would be the first thing you would buy?
53d               
347
241
Hitmonjake @jake_likes_naps
*sex scene comes on movie while im sat with my family*
*dad stands up and points at tv*
"THAT. I'VE DONE THAT. I DID THAT TO YOUR MOTHER."
53d               
3,093
1,409
Br&on the Cow @Brampersandon_
My country tis of thee
Land of Obesity
Big Mac w/ cheese
I'll take a side of fries
& make it super sized
But Diet Coke this time
No calories
53d               
579
334
Your Life Coaches @LIFECOACHERS
Don't be a jerk to co-workers. Save the bitching for Twitter, where everyone has muted you.
53d               
59
53
Bert @BertCarrillo
At the gym knocking out my last set of kegels.
54d               
94
27
moody monday @mdob11
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit and stare at your phone.
54d               
941
439
patrick @tastefactory
"Hey kids, haha fuck you" - back-to-school commercials that air in July
54d               
301
85
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
Good Cop: I'll check the crime scene for evidence

Bad Cop: I MEASURED THE DEAD GUY'S WEINER IT'S BIG
54d               
1,051
475
Bert @BertCarrillo
My dad just informed me that he bought my mom The Notebook and that tonight's gonna be fuck city. This is the worst day of my life.
54d               
176
56
Super Dad @superdadatron
My son asked me to get rid of his superhero underwear. He wants plain ones now.

So much for living vicariously through your children...
54d               
286
118
Bert @BertCarrillo
Can't understand morning breath. Also, I can't recall ever waking up and eating dog shit in the middle of the night.
55d               
88
27
Jay X @Xoolun
The doctor told me that having sex is the same as running 5 miles. I thought to myself, who the fuck could run 5 miles in 35 seconds.
55d               
689
476
Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: Daddy, can we make a snowman?

Me: There’s no snow.

4: Why don’t you love me?
55d               
157
73
Ivsy01 @Ivsy01
I like to go to the grocery store and buy healthy food and then eat fast food on the way home.
55d               
31
15
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
Now Im not saying your girlfriend is a Michelle Obama or anything, Im just sayin she has broad shoulders and looks like she can take a punch
55d               
56
25
Growly Grego @GrowlyGrego
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
55d               
356
86
Rock @TheMichaelRock
Kid Rock is like if trucknuts were a person.
55d               
288
148
J @Its_Baldylockz
My mailbox is just a paper shredder attached to the side of my house
55d               
208
104
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
I'm seeking a strong independent woman seeking a baffling codependent man
55d               
960
260
GINGERATLAW @GingerAtLaw
No one at this gas station is impressed by your tribal tattoos. Put a shirt on, bro.
55d               
130
61
Seductive thoughts @2Sassy4321
Those days when you realize you really didn't know that person at all.....

Ugh...
55d               
35
8
Bucky Isotope @BuckyIsotope
I put a pair of cargo shorts, a nail gun, and a copy of Golf Digest on my porch every night to try and lure my dad home.
55d               
892
301
patrick @tastefactory
*looks at child's drawing* Why does the sun need sunglasses? How does he put them on? I'm trying to understand this mythology you've created
55d               
775
304
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
*bursts into a bank with a gun*

EVERYBODY BE COOL

*starts handing out leather jackets*

THATS BETTER YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD DAY

*leaves*
55d               
614
326
Damn Dan @Papa_Mex
I used to use the term 'hard as a rock' until I got hit by a rock on my peen.

Now I don't use that saying anymore
56d               
74
38
PaperWash© @PaperWash
Women are a lot like heroin. At first you're like, "oh geez, this is fun" then eventually you die.
56d               
1,056
663
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
I got kicked out of the zoo for shouting "YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND YOU WEIRD FUCKING HORSE" at a giraffe
56d               
600
249
Dorito Mojito @KalvinMacleod
Hey restaurants, how about a pay-per-bite kids menu?
56d               
338
199
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
A thief always thinks everyone is stealing from them. Just as a liar always thinks everyone is lying.
56d               
553
356
Michael @Home_Halfway
*walks into Home Depot, breathes deep* Mmmmm, this smells like I have no fucking idea how to do anything with any of this
56d               
186
55
Christopher Sherk @TheIronSherk
How many kiss emojis from a girl before you're entitled to a real one? It is 1200? Please tell me it's 1200.
57d               
300
160
Just Bill @WilliamAder
I think they stole the idea for this Fifty Shades movie from a book I heard about.
57d               
79
9
Bert @BertCarrillo
*realizing I'm blowing on a spoon of ice cream*
57d               
136
49
sebbie automatic @swagastian
Fairfax High School is for sale on craigslist!!! pic.twitter.com/9ZnllSx1I7
57d               
325
205
Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
*knock at door*

"Ive got a delivery of 200 cow femurs for... Rex"

*I look down at dog*

*tail is wagging so f'in hard*

"U son of a bitch"
57d               
1,215
530
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
If you will be using the internet, please, take the time to comment on things you know nothing about.
57d               
178
103
Bert @BertCarrillo
What’s a sexy number of puka shell necklaces to be wearing at all times?
57d               
115
41
Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn
Me: If we don’t have sex tonight, I will literally die.

Wife: So what I’m hearing is it’s a win-win for me if I have a headache.
57d               
151
75
kelly jean @kjmeow
So while you guys think this is comedy twitter.com/themichaelrock…
I will leave this here dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2…
58d               
95
23
Sage Boggs @sageboggs
Whenever they say "guac is extra" I say "yea, extra YUMMY" and I boop their nose
58d               
1,876
864
Ry Doon @RyDoon
Just spent hours walking around Boston making vines. Best part about it is running into fans. You guys are all so nice (and funny!)
58d               
129
10
Jason Miller @longwall26
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
58d               
5,006
3,094
GH @shakes1554
My mother always referred to any brown mark in our undies as a skid row, so I had a very disturbing idea of where hobos lived until I was 9.
58d               
26
12
Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin
♫ I don't want Bear Grylls
Bear Grylls is a guide on reality tv
Hiking very undersupplied while he lives outside ♪
Trying to drink his pee ♫
58d               
29
3
Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
58d               
929
530
Tom @mindintheshadow
"HAHA! This is the funniest tweet ever!"

*send*

*1 min - 0 stars*

*5 min - 0 stars*

*25 min - 1 star*

*deletes tweet*

*sacrifices cat*
59d               
472
230
Michael @Home_Halfway
"My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids."
"But...don't you already have 2?"
"Yeah."
59d               
760
222
David Hughes @david8hughes
"I don't know who you are-"
"I'm a goat."
"I don't know what you want-"
"Goat stuff."
"If it's money you're after-"
"Nah, like hay & shit."
59d               
715
317
ILLUMINATI @ILLUMlNATI
Addicted to all the wrong things.
59d               
499
742
David Hughes @david8hughes
@bees_wingz haha you are amazing
59d in reply to bees_wingz               
2
☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck
In my opinion, sending 20 text messages explaining how you aren’t crazy seems extremely counterproductive to me.
59d               
259
117
Helen Keller @The_HelenKeller
Just did the harlem shake down 3 flights of stairs.
59d               
4,222
3,134
It's Tricky™ @DropsNoPanties
You there, with the purple dildo AVI, explain yourself
59d               
137
66
Casey Duncan @caseytduncan
<-- (Notices several bruises on banana) See what you made me do to you!
59d               
27
9
Sage Boggs @sageboggs
"We all make mistakes," my mother says, pointing at me. Like, right at my face. Like, her finger boops my nose
60d               
238
52
paul @FrenulumBreve
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts "leave it Gary!"
60d               
961
500
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
It might be a great time to reassess your life when being right and angry is more important than being happy.
60d               
558
342
SoulCoffin @SoulYodeler
A tweet so deep and meaningful it makes you stop, pause and reflect before starring the tweet below it about donkey semen.
60d               
584
356
sara @SomthinBoutSara
You're never more aware of how alone you are than when you need a hug
60d               
298
177
Dirt McTurd @DirtMcTurd
The worst pair of tits Ive ever seen were still a great pair of tits
60d               
199
105
Mark @rivetingbonmots
Hey, to people who say "Giving up is not an option,"...
Yes it is. Next issue?
60d               
10
7
christopher. @fightforfood
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
60d               
3,143
1,716
John O'Connor @johntoconnor
How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
61d               
3,235
1,226
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*
61d               
737
224
moody monday @mdob11
A text so confusing you burn his house down just in case.
61d               
1,699
782
pussy doodles @SlabBaconBP
My mac & cheese cooled off so I had sex with it and started crying. It felt exactly like my friend Shanna's sloppy pussy. I miss you Shanna.
61d               
38
12
PaperWash© @PaperWash
Quitting smoking is easy if you replace the habit with something constructive like knitting or murder.
61d               
223
143
tara shoe @tarashoe
hey pal, don't try to tell me i can't fight. why don't you come back here so i can punch your ass
61d               
225
48
Mud @mudpaperscissor
I prefer Wal-Mart people to the uppity bitches at high-end shops.
61d               
19
9
Mud @mudpaperscissor
This buffet promised to have my favorite finger food but I don't see any pussy anywhere.
61d               
23
11
Crack Cocaine @drugsandboners
Just so you know, a cold shower will not wake up a hooker who overdosed on heroin 3 days ago.

I just tried.
62d               
92
50
Bert @BertCarrillo
Imagine someone trying to tell you something serious, but behind them all you see is a cross-eyed man waving at a squirrel.
62d               
178
95
Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka
Here is the manatee, also known as the "sea cow"
& here is the penguin, aka the sea cow
& the dolphin, aka the sea cow
No, I don't work here
62d               
356
191
Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka
HEY SON, PULL MY FINGER
*son gives exasperated look, pulls finger, nothing happens
"Wow dad, I thought you were gonna fart-"
GRANDMA DIED
62d               
195
93
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