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Andy Tom2012-02-02
@andytom1999809 days

FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
9,88610,053523838,503
We found 200 favorite tweets.
Stephology ∞ @StephStartsOver
I'll bet a million dollars Jesus is a pork lobbyist.
6h               
6
1
Sting Ray @rbs44
@QueefTornado
Balls so Blue they've joined the Blue Man Group. At least they get applauded now.
13h in reply to QueefTornado               
2
Asia @Auzzie78
I'm totally a people's person. Except for the fact that I can't stand stupid fuckers.
13h               
5
Jen Doe @JadedLotus808
@andytom1999 I should've been a dude.
1d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Jen Doe @JadedLotus808
@andytom1999 why do they stop? I'm the idiot for thinking maybe, just maybe there's a chance I won't have to go jerk off in the shower.
1d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Sting Ray @rbs44
I can't believe I made it to 1400 thanks everyone. Oh the pressure is on, you all need to write some funny shit so I can retweet it.
1d               
2
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
2d               
59
32
Sting Ray @rbs44
Relationship status: making french toast and bacon with windows and doors open, hoping someone will show up to share it with.
2d               
3
1
Blonde Ambition @CharmandBrains
If you can't handle me in a funk, you can't touch the junk in the trunk.

*fuck it, send
3d               
81
46
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969
"I don't think we should see each other anymore."

*turns off lights*

*giggles*
3d               
644
394
Julie Parias @JBParias
@andytom1999 Thank you for helping me reach 1000 followers this week. Namaste my friend.
3d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
Can I start Monday? Sure. A drug test? No problem. Which drug will I be testing first?
4d               
12
3
Sting Ray @rbs44
Next time I see my sister should be fun, my niece followed me on Twitter for a couple of hours. Oops
4d               
5
2
Funbags McFuckstick @mc_funbags
*Pauses twitter
*goes to pee
4d               
15
6
funwun @LouisSpinelli
@andytom1999 thanks for the follow back !!
4d in reply to andytom1999               
1
funwun @LouisSpinelli
RT IF: You sat down to check Twitter real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.
4d               
1
funwun @LouisSpinelli
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture in there.
4d               
1
funwun @LouisSpinelli
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4d               
1
funwun @LouisSpinelli
That feeling u get after eating at a 24hr all u can eat buffet.... The race to the bathroom and all the stalls are in use ... THAT 😖
4d               
1
Hotpants McGee @MissMariLittle
Pro Tip:
That barrista gets paid to laugh at your jokes, its not real
4d               
14
4
funwun @LouisSpinelli
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.
4d               
15
15
funwun @LouisSpinelli
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene.
4d               
41
33
Mr Bubbles @scaleyalbereto
pic.twitter.com/EolMTo4YfA
4d               
3
2
Kat @kathybotteas
Man up Bitch.
5d               
48
23
Lathe Chick @lenigs17
My diet plan: photoshop
5d               
11
9
Linda in Disguise @LindaInDisguise
Like any smart mom, I choose Easter candy based on a ratio of how much I love it to how much the kids will hate it.
5d               
56
21
Felix Cat @FelixtheCatNYC
@andytom1999 DEEPLY regret.
5d in reply to andytom1999               
2
superman @MrSandeepP
Truthful Tuesday:

I wish I was taller

I wish I was a baller

I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her
5d               
57
22
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
CW: How am I supposed to keep track of this piece of paper all shift!?
M: You could fold it & put it in your pocket.
CW: ...
M: Just sayin'
5d               
23
10
I apologize @brianburchett24
I'm not gay or anything,

but I like to think that if were my blowjob's would be classy ones!
5d               
20
6
The Cisco Kid @TheCiscoKidder
My wife is addicted to this farm game Hay Day, which is way more pathetic than what we're doing here.
5d               
226
97
HappyPants @undonestar
It's said that if you're a Homophob, you're gay. So, if I'm an Arachnophob ...?!?!?! *gulp*
6d               
30
4
That Mothafucka @Sal0630
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
6d               
291
203
That Mothafucka @Sal0630
You'd be hard pressed to find another person who cares less about your new lift assist toilet seat than me, grandma. Quit calling here.
6d               
71
35
Envy DaTropic @envydatropic
If you do it right it's more a hot mess than a wet spot.
6d               
299
143
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
Take a chill pill, your honor.
6d               
70
32
Jax @vodkachrome
*cleans rotten food out of fridge

*puts fresh food in fridge

*waits 2 weeks

*repeats
6d               
77
39
Aww-fully Unpopular @_Black_Swann
Two minutes silence to all those awesome tweets I thought I could remember to tweet later..
6d               
22
17
Bad Scientist @1Bad_Scientist
I would say you were the first thing on my mind when I woke up, but I really had to take a leak.
6d               
95
52
Bad Scientist @1Bad_Scientist
People who don't like pepperoni on their pizza, who hurt you?
6d               
111
56
HappyPants @undonestar
Went to give a homeless guy and his dog money, but my wallet had no cash. Luckily he had a credit card swiped on his iphone5.
6d               
49
17
Kurt Hanson @NativeSenses
"Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion."
Democritus
6d               
5
1
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.
6d               
788
337
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
I took 20 vitamins for breakfast this morning. Followed by coffee, cigs and a peanut m&m. It's gonna be a great day!
7d               
25
12
Sagittarian Nerd @callmetavell___
Thanks for following me, Have a very blessed and safe day! @HeftyHannaSays @DAWDerek19 @andytom1999 via Unfollowers.com
7d               
1
crazyworldilivein. @11Intheend
@andytom1999 @CrazyLadyNikNak I love your perspective.
7d in reply to andytom1999               
2
Detroit Alex @alexroehl
I'm disturbing, but not 'kids karate instructor' disturbing.
8d               
14
4
Hungover Lawyer @HungoverLawyer
It's incredible what I will tolerate watching on TV when I can’t locate the remote in my bed to change the channel.
8d               
75
50
I apologize @brianburchett24
when a woman tells me,
" I only date black guys"

I say,
"ME TOO"
8d               
14
4
jared @wowjaredoknice
all the rappers are actually secretly friends with each other
8d               
33
3
Little Hell Cat @applecakes2008
pic.twitter.com/hlWdKCxrm6
8d               
14
10
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
I'm 45 years old. The thought that someone just wants to use me for sex makes me positively giddy.
8d               
39
18
ALI _H Ali @Ali_oct90
Don't give up just because you had a bad day. Forgive yourself and do better tomorrow.
8d               
4
1
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
When life punches you in the face and knocks you down.........

Get back up and say " Is that all you got punk"
8d               
2
Misstlovestrinkets @mstluvstrinkets
My daughter tries to head butt and kick my baby boy. He just laughs and keeps trying to get closer.

He'll make a good husband one day.
8d               
72
31
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
I hate when people think ignoring something, means it didn't happen!
9d               
1
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
Hungry ..... Pizza or Bacon?

I hate decisions...... I know pizza with bacon on it!

Adds "Mediator" to resume
9d               
1
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
Stupid me

I thought "benchmarks" were the marks I leave when I am sweating at the gym.
9d               
1
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
"I'm sorry to hear that." ~ my way of saying idgaf
9d               
35
15
Sting Ray @rbs44
@haskeklbray
I know you think school is stressful, but wait adulthood just sucks and no summer breaks.
10d in reply to haskeklbray               
2
DulciePlaid @DulciePlaid
The worst part of dating a new guy is the 3rd date when I have to pretend to cook.
10d               
24
12
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
Surround yourself with friends you don't care about

No stress, no guilt, no apologies, no drama

When we care life becomes stressful, lol
10d               
1
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
Hey just a thought

Have you ever found yourself saying I'm sorry, but you don't know why or what for?

I think everybody has!
10d               
1
HappyPants @undonestar
B: "Did it hurt when you fell?". G: "Fell? From where?". B: "From #Heaven.". G:" ARE YOU IMPLYING I AM #SATAN?!?" #pickuplines gone wrong
10d               
19
5
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
Two things define our success in life: The way we manage when we have nothing, & the way we behave when we have everything.
10d               
93
67
HappyPants @undonestar
Don't judge a book by its movie.
10d               
106
58
The Cisco Kid @TheCiscoKidder
If marriage is supposed to be constant disappointment, then my wife and I are rockin' this shit.
10d               
336
149
Alcoholic Keverage @adult_keverage
"Vacation" is derived from an old Latin word meaning "drinks before lunch".
10d               
59
37
superman @MrSandeepP
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you'll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
10d               
233
140
Big Carson Rocks @big_carsonrocks
Ever felt confused and you wish you knew what was going on. Life, such a puzzle

Lost in the ozone, traveling down a one way street.......
11d               
1
ChicorelliRose @ChicorelliStar
A camouflage toilet seat so men have an excuse when they miss.
11d               
35
15
Token Geezer @Token_Geezer
Remember, you can make fun of:

- Christians but not Muslims
- Asians but not blacks
- Dead foreigners on a plane but not dead celebrities
11d               
212
128
HappyPants @undonestar
What do people who are born blind dream of?
11d               
7
NotCarlito'sWay @close_c
All I want for my birthday's a nice booty girl, it doesn't have to Be big and she doesn't have to be a hoe

Because I'm nothing like Kanye
12d               
62
26
Bonnie Z Wienke @Nanabonnie
It is just stuff! Be more with less
12d               
1
Karlos @GotBadTouched
If you like the Samsung Galaxy so much why don't you just move there.
12d               
322
186
Geoff Robbins @_TheGeoff
Top Tip: Screw lawyers out of money by sending £25,000 to any 73 year old celeb you like instead of posting their name on Twitter #Yewtree
12d               
4
5
Callum Kane @CallumKane__
A new Yewtree arrest is like Twitter’s christmas.
12d               
2
1
Asia @Auzzie78
Do I do any sports? Hell yeah... I run around the house each morning screaming "Fuck! I'm late!"
12d               
5
HappyPants @undonestar
If the road to #Hell is paved with good intentions, is the road to #Heaven paved with bad ones?
12d               
9
Smoochie-Poochie @TySmithdrums
I'm not cocky. I'm just confident of my awesomeness.
13d               
45
19
Smoochie-Poochie @TySmithdrums
Let's get on Twitter and tweet about Twitter. That's really interesting...
13d               
39
15
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
I said I had come to my senses. I did not say my feelings had changed.
13d               
26
13
Smoochie-Poochie @TySmithdrums
I worked on my beach body last night while I was drunk by eating two bags of chili cheese fritos. Go me.
13d               
20
4
Rock @TheMichaelRock
I really pity this generation for the fact they don't get to grow up without social media and cell phones. They'll miss out on a lot.
13d               
144
73
GreenCleveClub @cleve66
If I put parentheses around a subtweet and add an abbreviation of your name, will that take away all the mystery?
13d               
22
9
Bonnie Z Wienke @Nanabonnie
You are not perky. You are obnoxious
13d               
1
HappyPants @undonestar
Darth Vader will run for President of Ukraine gizmo.do/ylLGGvT pic.twitter.com/SQ7uSEik4d Wait! Why is #chewy there? Better vote! ;-)
13d               
11
3
HappyPants @undonestar
Love having the song on the radio finish the exact instant you pull into the driveway and turn off the car.
13d               
12
Smoochie-Poochie @TySmithdrums
I'm a strong independant woman. ~Insecure dependant women
14d               
51
23
Allie @AllieA
I wish I loved anything as much as P Diddy loves saying random nonsensical things in the background of rap songs.
14d               
150
40
Asia @Auzzie78
Shattered yet still can't sleep. This sucks.
14d               
2
TROOF 'n SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
It's like my grandma used to say: "blowjobs are like a box of chocolates; if you like the taste, swallow. Otherwise, put it back in the box"
14d               
169
89
GreenCleveClub @cleve66
A fart so unique it was picked up by my phone and heard in northern CA and sounded like some kind of an elephant mating call. Jumanji, bro!
14d               
24
7
GreenCleveClub @cleve66
I still remember fondly the first package of butt bacon I bought that was labeled as such over in Idaho. Wait for it. Yummy to the very end.
14d               
23
6
GreenCleveClub @cleve66
I think it's fair to say, purely from observation aka reading that on twitter things sometimes grow, even if they go flaccid later.
14d               
22
4
TROOF 'n SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
Relationship status: jacking off to my own dick pic
14d               
64
17
Ms. Not Quite @perhapssomeday
Today's trip to CVS was vagina themed. I pointed this out to the cashiers so that we could all share in the fun and relaxed laughter.
15d               
78
25
Ms. Not Quite @perhapssomeday
A gaggle of girls carrying Starbucks cups and lacrosse sticks walked past the Land Rover I'm sitting in. So, the portal is open. Hey, Satan.
15d               
108
53
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
The future is going to be whatever we make it.

SO JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THERE WILL BE A GREAT SPIRITUAL AWAKENING.
*smokes more weed
15d               
71
38
Ms. Not Quite @perhapssomeday
You know what L'Oréal? I have pores big enough to drive a truck through and as astounding as it may seem, I've had a huge amount of sex.
16d               
71
24
HappyPants @undonestar
"..you laugh and it doesnt matter, bartender comes on like God, heaven in a bottle, cash-register of hell, purgatory until 2a.m." #Bukowski
16d               
2
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
In my family you're an adult when they finally tell you that Aunt Em was a high class hooker and not a "model/actress."
17d               
86
53
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
-Daddy let's play school
-ok
-You be the teacher who shows up drunk & gets fired
-outta beer
-oh. Can you be the substitute who cries?
17d               
15
3
Drunk Dreamer @ElgatoEsmio
If you're looking for a hero wear a cape and look in the mirror.
17d               
275
201
Ms. Not Quite @perhapssomeday
Why? Why can't I have 17 hour brunch? 2:00 is such a dumb time to stop eating breakfast food.
17d               
26
3
Mr. Miciura @Miciura
The difference between sharing an umbrella with a stranger & sharing my problems with a stranger is I don't mind sharing all of my problems.
17d               
26
12
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
I'm sorry you answered the phone right when I was calling my cat a crazy bitch.
17d               
142
84
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
Absence makes the pussy grow wetter.
17d               
110
69
Funbags McFuckstick @mc_funbags
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.
17d               
29
42
ginger bunny @ginger_xtc
Guys don't really care about your butterfly, flower or dolphin tattoos...they just like knowing you can handle some pain, even on your ankle
17d               
60
20
HappyPants @undonestar
Trying to imagine the YMCA dance in chinese.. *brain implodes*
18d               
6
2
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
The only thing better than the cutest cat in the world?

Any dog.
18d               
54
28
HappyPants @undonestar
"3 out of 5 smokers die." - What happens to the other 2? Do they become immortal?
18d               
6
2
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
You are right, autocorrect, I definitely can't wait to see my wife and kids' feces.
18d               
17
7
HappyPants @undonestar
Spider sense is tingling...
19d               
3
1
HappyPants @undonestar
I sneezed and I think I pulled an ovary.
19d               
2
ᖴᒪᗩTTᒪIᑎEᖇ @Flattliner
Never trust a man under 35.

Rarely trust one over 35.

Essentially, trust 35-yr-old blokes, but not much and never for longer than a year.
19d               
38
16
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of college, & then changed the world. What's your excuse?
19d               
64
33
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
If boobs weren't meant to have faces in them, then why does cleavage perfectly accommodate the nose?

Science.
19d               
25
18
Mr. Miciura @Miciura
Playing hide and seek with hookers isn't really challenging, because the dead hookers ALWAYS hide in storm drains.

#bt140
19d               
12
5
ford ✨ @bbbethmccoll
for april fools i'm going 2 fall in love, b emotionally competent and live happily ever after 💕
19d               
26
5
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
I am "You have to press play and record at the same time" years old.
19d               
34
15
ᖴᒪᗩTTᒪIᑎEᖇ @Flattliner
Truthful Tuesday:

When I was addicted to cigarettes the first thing I did on waking was smoke one.

Now, I check Twitter. Probably safer…
19d               
17
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
It's always been my dream to throw one outrageous, exclusive party for all the people to whom I've said "we should get together soon."
20d               
20
6
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
Passive-aggressive dishwasher loading is totally a thing.
20d               
22
12
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
1) take iPhone
2) settings
3) general
4) keyboard
5) shortcuts
6) phrase: fucking
7) save
8) stop w 'ducking' tweets

*Inspirational tweet*
20d               
13
5
ᖴᒪᗩTTᒪIᑎEᖇ @Flattliner
Any April Fools’ Day jokes about flight MH370 will just get lost in the vast ocean of… other… bad… taste…

humour.

I’ll get my life jacket.
20d               
26
7
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
There is no carpet.

Me anytime someone has the audacity to ask if the carpet matches the drapes.
20d               
16
5
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
DONT GIVE ME 138 CHARACTERS OF BRILLIANCE, THEN PLURALIZE THE LAST WORD WITH A FUCKING APOSTROPHE, FFS

(HallelujahholyshitwherestheTylenol)
20d               
15
8
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
Urologist found zero sperm found in my semen sample! Yay! Now I don't have to worry about getting these Kleenex pregnant!
20d               
16
3
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
There are only 2 reasons to date a girl you've already dated. Breast. Implants. - Mahatma Gandhi
20d               
41
18
ᖴᒪᗩTTᒪIᑎEᖇ @Flattliner
“When did you last see the missing hour?”
01.00 Sunday morning.
“And you wait until Monday to report it?”
I hoped it might turn up!
“Name?”
20d               
11
1
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
Give gramps a smartphone, confuse him for a day. But teach him how to text, & maybe he'll show you how to kill commies with your bare hands.
21d               
11
4
ᖴᒪᗩTTᒪIᑎEᖇ @Flattliner
Gigantic Gregory’s generous girth got gorgeous girlfriends gladly gyrating, getting gradually greater Grafenburg generated gratification.
21d               
14
5
mary jabouri @jabouri_mary
@MFL1956 @andytom1999 haha Love this !!!
21d in reply to MFL1956               
1
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
People that eat popcorn without butter & salt. Seriously?
22d               
61
30
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry.
22d               
35
19
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
You may have a hot body but I have an extra large Brooklyn style pizza all to myself so who's the real winner here?
22d               
169
85
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
The Supremes' visit to the jr high went well until they divulged 'You Cant Hurry Love' was about the need for a tongue warmup before anal.
22d               
5
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
When something goes wrong, I like to criticize everyone. They really like it.
22d               
11
3
Tina Malave @ABC7Tina
Who stole Paul's head?! Find out Sat 6:30pm @EyeOnLA @ABC7 #LAtimecapsules! Photo crtsy Robert Landau @alisonmartino pic.twitter.com/DD513fhDbK
23d               
4
3
Asia @Auzzie78
I wonder if someone actually pays attention... is anybody there?
23d               
3
Karlos @GotBadTouched
I don't understand Internet trolls.

If I wanted advice from a stranger I'd ask my dad.
23d               
189
113
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
Sex is the cheat code to having a perfect day, everyday.
23d               
221
147
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
It never really works when you women try to slap your own face with our cock, but we appreciate the sentiment so carry on.
24d               
9
2
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
Betty Boop merchandise is like the bat signal for crazy bitches.
24d               
31
17
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
If by big plans you mean get stoned and build new best friends out of Legos . Then, yes. I have big plans for today.
24d               
151
72
HappyPants @undonestar
If the sky is your limit, you're stuck on this planet.
24d               
3
1
Sting Ray @rbs44
The problem with cats is that you're always hungry a hour later.
25d               
11
6
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
Let's just love each other. This could be the fifth year of those five years I added to my life by exercising.
25d               
23
9
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
I was often warned that certain actors didn't like kids. I'd think: so sad. A talented actor could pretend to like kids & no one would know
26d               
27
3
Karlos @GotBadTouched
A girl who looked like a lesbian just called me darlin' and my face turned bright red, so I'm pretty sure I'm gay.
27d               
196
61
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
McDonald's sells both root beer and vanilla ice cream, yet they "can't make me a root beer float". Whatever happened to the American dream?
28d               
51
11
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the whole world, but there's still going to be someone who hates peaches.
28d               
190
160
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
Bono driving in circles as his GPS fails to find streets with no name
29d               
22
9
Adam Roycraft @Lorash651
Busy day at work. pic.twitter.com/qRVHb4Ij5R
29d               
3
Lilly @liliths_lair
pic.twitter.com/snLjcdUHK4
30d               
13
7
Karlos @GotBadTouched
Blowjobs are like rainbows. There's often money at the end of it.
30d               
197
97
Simtec @splegge
I don't know what's worse, the fact that I've just seen a newspaper article about a woman breast feeding her pug,or the fact I was aroused..
30d               
105
62
Asia @Auzzie78
Every pretty girl has an ugly friend. If you don't have an ugly friend then... ok... This is bloody awkward.
31d               
3
1
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.
31d               
170
77
AceFlavored @AceFlavored
Facebook called, they said bring your negativity & food updates over here
31d               
48
22
Peter Stark @StarksWeek
My mother just left me a voicemail to make sure I saw her text about reading her email.
32d               
401
240
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
I'll move to the suburbs when I'm ready to never walk anywhere.
32d               
11
2
Lilly @liliths_lair
Be my friend,
hold me Wrap me up,
unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
33d               
23
12
Jen Doe @JadedLotus808
what's worse than being in a relationship with a red flag crazy person?
realizing YOU'RE the crazy one this time.
33d               
4
1
Lilly @liliths_lair
pic.twitter.com/bs9k67bIuG
33d               
8
3
Lilly @liliths_lair
pic.twitter.com/NRzIOyEQrP
33d               
11
6
Karlos @GotBadTouched
I practice my Samuel L Jackson all the time.
Cashier: Would you like a bag with that?
Me: I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAM THING.
33d               
292
167
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
Homophobia is actually just the fear that a man will treat you like you treat women.
33d               
156
99
Lilly @liliths_lair
pic.twitter.com/IrjQx9BfOV
33d               
9
4
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
The only take-away from all Taylor Swift songs is that her life decisions are questionable at best.
34d               
43
16
AceFlavored @AceFlavored
I want to start my own garden, but Walmart doesn't carry bacon seeds? WTF Walmart!
35d               
38
20
Asia @Auzzie78
@andytom1999 thanks for all the stars! Where have you been hiding?
35d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Karlos @GotBadTouched
I hate that in 2014 guys stare at you just because a 'good looking woman' is driving 'a truck' on the busy sidewalk.
35d               
149
64
AceFlavored @AceFlavored
So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
35d               
95
41
Mary @MFL1956
@andytom1999 pic.twitter.com/LoaNJwu8us
35d in reply to MFL1956               
3
3
Mary @MFL1956
Welcome back @andytom1999 Feel better after all the Twitter purge?
35d               
1
Sassafrantz @Sassafrantz
My boyfriend is so silly...every morning it's the same thing, "how did you get in here?"
35d               
71
31
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.
- me at work tonight
35d               
40
17
Karlos @GotBadTouched
How long after the Malaysian airline crash is it appropriate to make a joke about Asian drivers?
36d               
219
97
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
Antiquated gender roles are the worst. Maybe try pizza rolls instead? Egg rolls? Tootsie rolls? Basically just eat food & don't be sexist.
37d               
54
33
Asia @Auzzie78
Always look on the bright side of life. There's so much truth in that saying. It's just that sometimes it's hard to see through dark clouds.
37d               
3
1
AceFlavored @AceFlavored
Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my DM, now have my baby
38d               
51
24
Funbags McFuckstick @mc_funbags
Nothing freaks me out like a fart that has lumps.
38d               
36
24
Karlos @GotBadTouched
I'm not an attention whore.
I'm an attention sexually empowered woman.
38d               
328
156
Clark Kent @CK1Blogs
lois when i was a kid i wasn't the boy who cried wolf i was the boy who cried because my home planet exploded
40d               
35
43
Adam Roycraft @Lorash651
I wore my black fedora out for first time in 2yrs and am approached:
Hipster: "Cool. Vintage."
Me: "I WILL CHOKE YOU UNTIL YOUR EYES POP!"
40d               
2
Rollo Tomasi @thotsnlyrics
Morning sex looks an awful lot like competitive not-breathing-on-each-other.
40d               
106
45
Mr. Miciura @Miciura
Ben Folds Five Loads of Laundry #RuinABand
40d               
87
34
Mr. Miciura @Miciura
Rage Against The Copy Machine #RuinABand
40d               
96
44
kwirkykerri @kwirkyKerri
I hate it when you meet the totally right person at the totally wrong time.
41d               
107
80
Electric Mindfuck @einsteinsexual
How to make your man wait on you hand and foot.

1. Pick a man you want to fuck all the time.
2. Fuck him all the time.
41d               
363
199
Karlos @GotBadTouched
Accept any job you can in this economy. Hand, blow, even rim.
41d               
166
65
Lemming Däd @LemmingDad
Middle age is like being lost in the woods behind my house
42d               
14
5
Mantej Singh Rajpal @mantej
If she hasn't kissed you by the 3rd date, she's there for the food. - Albert Einstein
43d               
95
54
Adam Roycraft @Lorash651
I'm "I own overwhelming amounts of hardcore porn in non-digital formats" years old.
43d               
3
1
Adam Roycraft @Lorash651
I've slept 2-3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. I think the winter has finally made me snap, or damned close.
43d               
2
Adam Roycraft @Lorash651
If I tweeted everything I thought, you'd all never stop slapping me. Ever. Even after I'm dead.
43d               
4
1
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