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ImageNameLocationTwitter sinceLinks
Andy Tom2012-02-02
@andytom1999972 days

FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
10,24110,503554888,851
We found 199 favorite tweets.
brian @anerdonfire
I can't unsee this pic.twitter.com/2xIr4xNPXV
6d               
22
2
brian @anerdonfire
I like this pic.twitter.com/d9XvBlVsWN
7d               
27
7
Cassie Ramoska @cramoska
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
"Thank You"
Get well "soon"
"Congratulations" on the "baby"
7d               
147
83
brian @anerdonfire
Sounds right pic.twitter.com/zoWy756zT0
7d               
37
10
Nat @GermanFreckles
- I am NOT overreacting, you hear me? I AM NOT OVERREACTING.

~ Women that overreact
8d               
82
50
Just Bill @WilliamAder
I keep thinking about all the fossil fuels those climate protesters burned to get to New York City.
9d               
85
31
Brent @Brentweets
Watching the I Love Lucy episode where Lucy does something wrong because she's a woman.
9d               
47
12
Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22
Sometimes I'll withhold a slice or two of bread when I can tell the ducks are getting a little arrogant.
9d               
270
105
Favstar NSFW @Favstar_NSFW
@andytom1999 Congrats on your 250★ tweet! favstar.fm/t/311958168748…
10d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Goddess of Mischief @ShanaRose21
Let us fall asleep in your bed and leave no room for you to sleep even though we have our own bedrooms.

-Kids
10d               
48
27
Bruce Wayne Official @brucerealwayne
Batarang, batarang, smoke bomb, grappling hook, Scarecrow's neurotoxin antidote.
I can NEVER find business cards in this utility belt.
10d               
5
2
Your An Moron @YourAnMoron
I said to my 2yo, "can you say your name?"
And she replied: "your name."
Should I open her her own Twitter account, or just give her mine?
10d               
18
11
Ramona @NZRamona
There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in you heart for a child who never comes.
10d               
1
Courtney Hadden @motherratchet
Low key praying for the next season of american horror story to come out faster
10d               
1
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ @bleedingvibes
i either fuck with you or i don't, there is no in between.
10d               
256
394
Alex @Jock_Abroad
I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with @David_Cameron. Scottish MPs shouldn't vote on England-only issues. Fair's fair.
10d               
10
5
Ty @TyEros
Selfies are the back bone of America.
10d               
20
9
HitGirl @HitGirl516
they all have an agenda. & they can all fuck off.
10d               
20
8
Sugar'n'Spice @IcyAndSpicy
I am going to hunt down all your family and kill them too! All of them!

Me. To the ant I just squished in my kitchen.
10d               
75
39
MattZilla @mattZillaaaa
{a TV ad for tampons}

*a woman chases a man around with a kitchen knife*

Narrator: "tampons"
10d               
31
17
Gru @Charlie_Gru
I rolled out the barrel but Jamie didn't like the barrel cause Jamie's no fun.
10d               
11
2
Gru @Charlie_Gru
I've come across some beer-drinking-on-the-patio weather but I'm outta beer...If they card my daughter at the lil store I'm goin for it!
10d               
12
2
Gru @Charlie_Gru
Having *friends over...*her friends
10d               
12
2
Gru @Charlie_Gru
Is this your card...*pulls out cherry chapstick, a few pennies and a nickel...a dime...more gum wrappers*
10d               
11
1
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
No, it's okay. I'm fine. Really.*

*You are a dead man.
10d               
17
13
MattZilla @mattZillaaaa
Physical endurance & upper body strength is key.

I say to my sister as I hand her this jar of pickles to open bc I can't open it
10d               
34
18
HitGirl @HitGirl516
you're a cutie
10d               
11
2
Underchilde @Underchilde
I’m willing to trade my girlfriend for better WiFi.
10d               
395
219
garyk01 @garyk01
@andytom1999 credit card bills leave you without
10d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Boyd's Backyard @TheBoydP
Wife: I started the dishwasher last night

Me: ...

Wife: I started the dishwasher last night

Me: ...

Wife: EMPTY THE DISHWASHER!
11d               
489
270
David Hughes @david8hughes
U2 giving me their album is the only time I feel like I've been robbed by getting something for free.
11d               
206
109
Crazy Stalker Mom @texasstalkermom
My first waking thoughts:
1. What day is it?
2. Why the fuck am I awake?
3. When can I take a nap?
11d               
136
103
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
Yay I don't have to see my shitty coworker for 2 days!
11d               
2
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
This beer tastes like I need another one.
11d               
2
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
This bud light is not doing the trick...

Must drink more.
11d               
1
Rebekkah13 @TheMissingL_nk1
@andytom1999 i agree!
11d in reply to andytom1999               
1
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
Dude relationships are fucking stupid as shit sometimes.
11d               
1
Mrs. Sassy Pants @TheDanielleRock
A drunk white girl trying to clap on beat is about the funniest shit you'll ever see.
11d               
189
90
HitGirl @HitGirl516
i didn't have my cake & eat it too

i didn't even taste it
11d               
13
9
SouthernStylin @SouthernStylin1
Careful when you're casting those stones not to get hit with that big fucking cosmic boulder
11d               
242
143
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
24 year olds talking about life...

Shush grown ups are talking.
11d               
2
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
Damn it. Get off of my TV, U2. Off. Off. Off.
11d               
23
10
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
"Ok, watch carefully. I'm only going to show you once." - tutor at suicide bomber training school.
11d               
9
2
Crazy Stalker Mom @texasstalkermom
The hardest things in life are holding on when you want to let go and letting go when you really want to hold on.
11d               
200
154
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
Time to go back into my cocoon.
11d               
1
NotYourAverageBarbie @RiotGRRLBarbie
I hate people.
I'm so over people right now.
11d               
1
Shkeeber @shkeeber
My penis does a pretty good meerkat impersonation.
11d               
46
22
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
Sometimes you're the ass.

Sometimes you're the hand that smacks the ass.

Related: My boots are pretty. Even when they're bloodstained.
11d               
17
6
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
Being an egotistical jackass is such a turn on.

-and other lies men tell themselves
11d               
25
13
THE Goddess @eTHEgoddess
It's surprisingly difficult to get people to fuck off.
11d               
132
65
why? @knot_eye
She does what: I want.¹
How: I want.²
When: I want.³
Because she's: my wife.⁴

1: she wants
2: she wants
3: she wants
4: a woman
11d               
170
120
The Fucking Cat @TheFuckingCat
I'm not on Facebook, peeps. I got kicked off awhile ago for not using my real name. It's The Fucking Cat you fucking cocks! Good riddance!
11d               
53
21
Meredyth Censullo @MeredythTV
Police SUV crashes into doughnut shop. Cue jokes NOW. Via @CBSPhilly. cbsloc.al/1sCScPZ pic.twitter.com/ZPu4FqVEqE
11d               
155
197
LL Cool Nathan @SomeGoofyNerd
*spoiler* Wolverine dies of a heart attack. pic.twitter.com/5RU0iJaYId
12d               
10
4
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
For a while, Houdini used a trapdoor in every stunt. It was just a stage he was going through.
12d               
15
5
Holy Guaca Mole @MadamBetteNoire
It's a beautiful day for manslaughter
12d               
70
38
why? @knot_eye
I just saved a bunch of money on groceries by clipping coupons and eating them.
12d               
337
218
Gru @Charlie_Gru
Passed a not-so-random drug test...sooo, now we get high.
12d               
19
5
Gru @Charlie_Gru
When my kids were little they knew to tell their teachers that I was a scientist....guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a scientist.
12d               
5
Swedish Canary @SwedishCanary
My day dreams of having a smokin' hot body are always interrupted by the sound of my chewing.
12d               
65
27
Ross-A-Tron @red121973
What a rebel!! 😆😆 pic.twitter.com/toHZXkqnrN
12d               
3
1
Crazy Stalker Mom @texasstalkermom
Be the reason her hair is a mess...

....not her fucking life.
12d               
346
232
Brian @Black__Elvis
I wonder if Spiderman's son will be born with his skills or if he'll have to learn how to choose ambiguously gay neon man-tights on his own.
12d               
218
97
Shkeeber @shkeeber
Don't have insurance? Just bring your pregnant wife to Domino's.

They have free delivery and it'll take under 30 minutes.
12d               
27
11
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
What's the right number of friendly texts you have to send before the one asking for the favour?
12d               
2
3
Shkeeber @shkeeber
Never trust trees.

They're shady as fuck.
12d               
62
29
Whipping Boy @KKBowls
I'm pretty sure gypsies are just pirates who cant find their boat
12d               
158
104
Q. Allan Brocka @allanbrocka
Breast comic I've read all day. pic.twitter.com/WyQyc3I8VO
12d               
26
14
Felix Cat @FelixtheCatNYC
@weird_sci Reminds me of "Witch Doctor" a song from Alvin and the Chipmunks. "Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang"
12d in reply to weird_sci               
5
2
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
College diplomas make great paper airplanes.
13d               
19
9
History In Pictures @HistoryInPics
Elvis Presley and Sophia Loren, 1958 pic.twitter.com/6jK9o8f5kp
13d               
3,051
1,568
Darth Bowlbius @BowlbyThaDon
I pulled a muscle getting out of bed yesterday, that shows how athletic all this time in the gym is making me haha
13d               
1
Moodkiller @SurlyJon
What I lack in spelling and punctuation I make up for with a terrible sense of humor and useless facts
13d               
50
30
Matt @BigBadBeardBoy
Only other people make mistakes.
13d               
8
1
The Left Arm Gangsta @1CleverGirl1
I wonder which came first, the phrase 'powdering your nose' or doing cocaine in the bathroom?
13d               
97
56
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
I caught my ex's new girlfriend sucking off my best friend.

It was disgusting! His tail just kept wagging!
13d               
10
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
Im a great cook,
but whoever said, "The way to man's heart is through his stomach",
wasn't very adept at the art of fellatio.
13d               
28
9
The Poke @ThePoke
Where The Proclaimers Are Prepared To Walk To [Infographic] thepoke.co.uk/2014/06/08/whe… #indyref pic.twitter.com/9EqrS8QteA
13d               
1,279
2,484
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
Being cremated is a sure way of going with a hot body.
13d               
5
1
The Cisco Kid @TheCiscoKidder
My wife was yapping about her day when she felt the baby kick and I was like, poor little fucker is trying to get away.
13d               
270
127
Misstlovestrinkets @mstluvstrinkets
"You pick honey, we can go wherever you want to go."

-a woman who already knows exactly where she wants to go.
13d               
227
125
KC of TX @kcmoore51
Don't mean to brag but, I have a lifetime average of 50% at winning coin tosses.
13d               
40
22
JuneBug @jenyb4
Jennifer's Guide To Packing:

1. Open bottle of wine

2. Open suitcase

3. Open twitter

*cut to next morning*

4. Throw shit in suitcase
13d               
171
79
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969
To ants, danger is always afoot.
13d               
221
123
Pete Lynch @PJTLynch
People say I take too many risks in life. Whatever. Sure, this theater might close before Star Wars VII is out, but if not I'm first in line
13d               
23
4
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Can't afford a cat? Get the same effect by spraying your house with urine and slashing your furniture with a razor blade.
13d               
12
6
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
I don't care what you say...cheese is a condiment.
13d               
20
12
Tony P. @Tbone7219
Asked Siri "what do women want?" and my iPhone froze, started to shake and then it exploded.
13d               
167
101
Cats @Cats
"What does this do?" pic.twitter.com/a4uQGLsIss
13d               
696
486
Daily Mail Comments @BestoftheMail
.@JohnRentoul This one has to be staking out a pretty strong claim for top spot pic.twitter.com/aCn65Ykf3Y
13d in reply to JohnRentoul               
63
104
Bea Hindwhistle @Hormonella
The captain of this plane is named RANDY WOOD!

CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
13d               
64
13
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
I have 37 tabs open and I can't find the one with my work on it.
13d               
9
6
BuzzFeed UK @BuzzFeedUK
The 23 most wonderfully Scottish things that have ever happened buzzfeed.com/robinedds/the-… pic.twitter.com/VZqs0ob7J4
14d               
393
271
OneDumbMom @sumdumblonde
Today's Shopping List:
-coffee
-milk
-puffy paint
-ski mask
-flame thrower
-top secret decoder ring

Just the essentials.
14d               
7
1
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
I nominate Internet Explorer for the ice bucket challenge.

Oh wait, it's frozen already.
14d               
24
21
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
14d               
10
2
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
I saw a guy texting and driving today and it really pissed me off ...

...so i rolled down my window and threw my cocktail at him!
14d               
20
9
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
Oral sex

Good way to get an early head-start
14d               
22
5
Anna Frame @annaframe
An OPEN PLAN office... RT @sarasheridan: Publisher dies at desk. No-one noticed pic.twitter.com/mfNAMQRfXQ (via @PaddyBriggs)”
14d               
120
356
sara @SomthinBoutSara
Him: what's wrong?

Me: nothing

Him: seriously, what's wrong?

Me: NOTHING!

Him: ok

...

Me: it's just sometimes I feel like...
14d               
452
216
seafoam circle skirt @archetypecast
the kind of sigh all of the other sighs are jealous of
14d               
85
30
JuneBug @jenyb4
Hell is standing in a fast food restaurant bathroom stall waiting for your kid to finish pooping.

Hell smells like shit.
14d               
102
43
Sqwerty Jones @SufficientCharm
Picture us together

More farting

Less butt stuff

More crying

Less blowjobs

More bush

Less tea bagging

More farting

There! Perfect!
14d               
153
74
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Terrify your workmates by writing "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in.
14d               
12
8
Jedi Gigi @JediGigi
So basically what I'm saying is if you brush my hair on Friday, you'll be the proud father of 3 dogs, 2 cats and 1 dead plant by Saturday.
14d               
78
34
Ross McCulloch @Rossmac1972
Window designer you had one job. pic.twitter.com/uPGGtKIEHS
14d               
27
23
Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans
How to tell if girlfriend is bucket of snakes
1. Has multiple heads
2. No legs
3. eats unusual amount of mice
4. There's a handle
14d               
2,178
1,255
George Takei @GeorgeTakei
Well, it's settled - cats at the gym is a win for everyone. I love this video: ohmyyy.gt/2FZH4U pic.twitter.com/I6FNyL7Szi
14d               
318
215
Sqwerty Jones @SufficientCharm
If I were on a superhero team I'd just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until the bad guys dropped dead.
15d               
207
111
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.
15d               
21
8
FleurDeLea @celestinelea90
Just got lapped at the gym by an old man with a cane. He had a CANE.
15d               
102
36
Swedish Canary @SwedishCanary
When your boss is yelling at you & asks, "do you think I'm stupid?" apparently you are not supposed to answer him.
15d               
103
60
brian @anerdonfire
I would run Fraggle Rock with an iron fist
15d               
421
244
Steve Suckington @SteveSuckington
How come when Fonzie punches a jukebox women are all like, "oh he's so cool" but when I do it I'm an "alcoholic with rage issues"
15d               
339
171
Sarcasm Attitude @SarcasmTxts
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
15d               
695
721
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Just asked an Archbishop whether, in Genesis, he believes Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins was the better singer.
15d               
10
5
brian @anerdonfire
How Andy Griffith kept from slapping the shit out of Barney is beyond me
15d               
100
42
in your mind @Imnotsurehow
Where else am I going to spew My nonsensical diatribe. My wife and kids stopped listening to me long ago!

Thank twitter!
16d               
70
35
Carrie @TheCareBare
My greeting to kids is always "I knew your mommy when she was cool."
16d               
40
15
Greg w/ that many Gs @GreGooglyMoogly
Waiting on a ride from a hippie is like having sex.

I'm never sure they're actually coming.
16d               
72
26
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
These adult diapers will give me at least another 4 hours quality internet time this week.
17d               
5
3
MattZilla @mattZillaaaa
Remember kids, stay in school. In fact, don't ever leave school! The whole adult thing sucks.
17d               
125
71
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
I defy anyone to pass the goat's butter fridge in the supermarket without humming "Who you gonna call...?" under their breath.
18d               
16
7
Shkeeber @shkeeber
If you're ever feeling lonely, fart.

Someone will invariably show up.
18d               
47
18
Catherine Cerveny @catcerveny
If your story isn't about how you bought that new pool cover for the winter, don't even bother wasting my time.
19d               
25
14
Shkeeber @shkeeber
I date people for their Netflix passwords.
19d               
39
10
Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
My husband brought me my coffee this morning so naturally I will over analyze why he's being nice & turn it into an argument.
20d               
291
157
Gerry Kachikwu @GerryKachikwu
Reports are coming in from The Vatican that Oscar Pistorius's lawyer is to be made a saint after he made a crippled man walk.
20d               
34
92
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Anybody know any pet mediums? I need to ask my terrier who died 20 years ago "who's a good boy then?"
20d               
2
2
Sasshole @RidiculousSheri
I'm Catwoman!

Well, I'm a woman.

But I look hot in black leather!

Okay. They're sweatpants.

And I have a cat.

Fine, I'm Catlady.
20d               
597
321
Ugly People Problems @Iaughatmypain
I wish my wallet was as fat as i am
20d               
450
675
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Gonna stay up late because there's a girl on Facebook tonight worried about dying her hair blonde and I want to make sure she's ok.
20d               
12
1
Kali @AdderallMomma
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
20d               
433
281
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Interesting DIY fact: 47% of people in IKEA have been there for more than 4 days.
21d               
14
13
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
There's nowhere on this Master's degree course application form about how many slaves I can own afterwards.
22d               
3
2
The Beer Guy @TheBeerGuy73
In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That Pussy" wasn't a very good idea.
22d               
252
152
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
So, flogging a LIVE horse is better?
22d               
10
Amy Ferris @Amyyy_Ferris
this keeps blowing my mind pic.twitter.com/PwEiAJrKEA
23d               
16
10
Brian Incognito @BrianIncognito
A street where the women wake up happy... or annoyed. pic.twitter.com/mQWETAFy2g
24d               
73
34
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
I think of Walt Disney as the sicko who drew female mice in short skirts, high heels and mascara.
25d               
4
2
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
I think I'm allergic to either peanut butter or carpet fluff.
26d               
2
Father with Twins @FatherWithTwins
To the mom who brought her newborn to wine tasting - I like your style, let's set up a play date.
26d               
158
80
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
10 out of 10 dentists probably earn more than you do.
26d               
5
1
Father with Twins @FatherWithTwins
In parenting, we often confuse "what works" with "what is right"
27d               
152
69
Shkeeber @shkeeber
Actually, there isn't somebody out there for everyone. That's why we have alcohol and pet stores.
28d               
812
573
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Golden rule of writing: double negatives are a no-no.
28d               
7
4
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Spent the afternoon searching for that old Facebook quiz as I forgot which Spice Girl I am.
29d               
10
2
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Football matches would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one tiger.
30d               
6
5
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Apparently 114.35 out of every 137.923 people over-complicate things.
31d               
3
3
Rachel Elnaugh @RachelElnaugh
RT @TheLadBible: X-Factor drinking game pic.twitter.com/rveHLspR8K #XFactor2014
31d               
8
8
Jimboswelt @JIMBOSWELT
The greatest sin and single biggest threat to humanity: light beer.
32d               
21
6
Jimboswelt @JIMBOSWELT
Watching anal videos is more disturbing than the time I took acid with kid who had Tourette's.
32d               
6
2
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Waking up alone in front of the television, realising that your partner has gone to bed without you.

A pivotal moment in any relationship.
32d               
25
6
Thomzen @tzenegg
@andytom1999 So much we can't tell!
32d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Myk Saiten @myk_saiten
You a chest @andytom1999?
32d               
1
Sarah @SarahB_D
Ham Solo (not a typo) pic.twitter.com/4dVUVwInIh
32d               
52
66
Max Colton© @MaxC_MPWL
••🎶*Starts singing that godawful Power of Love song that's on every Christmas compilation CD despite having fuck all to do with Christmas*••
32d               
4
Jimboswelt @JIMBOSWELT
The biggest whore in my life is my hand. It always wants sex! Such a slut.
32d               
14
4
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Just how hairy was the guy who came up with Head and Shoulders?
32d               
7
3
Jimboswelt @JIMBOSWELT
Arrogance is a mask worn by the weakest among us.
32d               
17
10
Arthur Smith @ArfurSmith
Which is more expensive, liquid nitrogen or printer ink?
32d               
9
12
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Slow cookers are great, unless the member of your family nominated to turn them on fails to do so...

Seven hours cooking missed out = raw.
32d               
23
6
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Spider-man is a teenage superhero that shoots sticky white stuff out of his body...

Freudian slip by Marvel or a deliberate reference?
32d               
35
14
Cor-rupt @CoriTheUnicorn
When bread sticks get married they probably make puns about tying the garlic knot.
32d               
38
14
bourgeois beth @bourgeoisalien
You're dumber than a professional athlete in a local car commercial.
33d               
110
57
D-Wreck @ApostasyPanda
If a girl bangs 10 dudes in a year, she's a slut.

If a guy does it, he's gay. Definitely gay.
33d               
16
9
Jimboswelt @JIMBOSWELT
Status: Waiting for the 'hope'...or the bus, whatever decides to come first in my life. *deep sigh*
33d               
6
2
theRealDrRuth @LetGoBeFreeDoU
Pizza is always hot in my box.

*winks forever
33d               
287
151
Brother Ben @TheTalkingPipe
You might think you're smart until you try using someone else's microwave.
33d               
506
351
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Let's face it, a chimp could pass many school exams, all desperate to validate the higher primates. Unless it ate the paper, or masturbated.
33d               
18
3
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Many patients only want three things from their GP:

1) To be listened to.
2) Some reassurance.
3) A thorough rectal examination.
33d               
31
11
Michèle @Boleyngirly
I would never throw myself at a man unless we were on a cliff and I had a parachute. This is just my kidnap kit.
34d               
33
8
Just Jane @jdforshort
I need to find someone who can appreciate the *fine arts with me

*porn
34d               
109
64
RedFox @SqueakyFreckles
It's a pain in the arse when analogies go on too long.

Grr...autocorrect!

I meant anal orgies! When anal orgies go on too long!
34d               
106
59
enjoy today @all_about_today
Pretty much gave up trying to save the world, now I'm just focusing on saving myself.
34d               
100
47
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
The media needs to be more interactive - a punch button that actually causes the TV worker to be punched if enough viewers press it.
34d               
25
13
Kathy Zeman @Kathy_Zeman
I used to describe my hair color as...dishwater blonde. But mostly because it’s greasy and usually has pieces of food in it.
34d               
12
6
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
It's easy to teach people when to do something, but much harder to teach them when to do nothing...
34d               
35
16
SouthernStylin @SouthernStylin1
In a world
Torn by tragedy
One woman stands alone
Wondering where she put her fucking keys
35d               
252
162
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
How many calories does going through the motions burn?
35d               
14
1
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Buying great technology for other people is almost as good as getting it for yourself...

Not quite though, not quite.

<considers purchase>
35d               
15
3
@AssBareDontCare
'I'm an adult but not like a real adult.'
35d               
11
5
FLATTLINER @Flattliner
Just back from watching Luc Besson's "Lucy". Let's get this straight - taking a SHITLOAD of drugs REALLY expands your mind...

Got this one.
35d               
14
3
Kai @KaiTheLoser
I fart when i go up escalators so the people behind me have to pass through it slowly.
35d               
6
2
Bruce Force @BruceForce
I'm sooo disappointed to find out the Dalai Lama isn't a real Llama. Can't he at least pretend to be a Llama. Wear a tail. For his fans?
35d               
178
98
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
"I'd really love to hear the story behind each of your tattoos" - no one, ever.
35d               
13
9
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Internet's down so spent a couple of hours with the family this afternoon. They seem like good people.
36d               
22
16
Jonny Cooper @jonnycooper
Different religions - don't focus negatively on the things that make your god different, focus on the things that make you all idiots.
38d               
12
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
It's all shit & giggles,
Until someone giggles & shits.
38d               
37
15
Jarhead @Jarhead44
Friday night's are perfect for cleaning guns and watching cheerleading competitions on TV.
39d               
163
82
Missy Slaughter @MizzSlaughter
Make love, not war, because condoms kill millions.
39d               
7
2
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
We didn't "lose touch." I stopped talking to you because you're an asshole.
39d               
98
47
Julz Millar @DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
I can't be bothered bothering about the things I should be bothered about.
40d               
71
29
PUNTED CUNT TORNADO @SaraESpivey
Used my dog's pee& failed a drug test. Sorry I accused u of finding my stash, Dad. BAD DOG. He ain't listening. He's stoned out of his gourd
40d               
18
3
Shades @SortaSarcastic
When every direction seems wrong, make a frisbee out of the compass.

Remember the direction of the dream.
40d               
63
37
Brian Essbe @SortaBad
Ladies- Tips to avoid creepy guys #online

DON'T
- tweet sexually
- tweet asexually (hard to get)
- tweet words (may be misinterpreted)
40d               
3,638
2,009
Trey @treydayway
Women get so sexy after a divorce.
42d               
351
188
ManJuggs @ManJuggs
I was jacked off against my will by Darth Vader at Comic Con.
45d               
45
15
Mardy King @MardyKing1
@andytom1999 Thanks for the follow back Andy 💪
46d in reply to andytom1999               
1
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