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Andy Tom2012-02-02
@andytom1999931 days

FollowersFollowingTweetsListsFavorites
10,17610,721546868,659
We found 199 favorite tweets.
Mardy King @MardyKing1
@andytom1999 Thanks for the follow back Andy 💪
5d in reply to andytom1999               
1
squigglesme @squigglesme
So on my morning commute I witnessed a guy trying to pull his brain out of his nose 😵
7d               
5
1
Mistress of Ink @Insatiable_Ink
The pasta was so fucking awful that I couldn't even eat it and I only ate the little piece of steak because, well, steak shouldn't be wasted
7d               
2
1
squigglesme @squigglesme
It's so sad my phone doesn't know the word "boob"
7d               
6
2
MattZilla @mattZillaaaa
How much for the downward spiral?

Sir that's an engagement ring
7d               
139
89
Crushed My Halo @icrushedmyhalo
There's no better way to fall asleep than knowing you get to wake up and fall in love with him all over again.
7d               
137
85
Loco Eric @ericsshadow
No matter how different you try to be from your parents, u still can't believe your kids listen to that shit music.
7d               
335
145
Frisky & the Bandit @SexySpainNights
If I was a Sith, I would probably just go around Force Choking everyone's tits.
11d               
27
10
Rock @TheMichaelRock
6yo son: *farts*

12yo son: HAHAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Wife: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS, GOD?!
11d               
113
46
Jake Million and One @Jake1000001
One time while I was on my phone, I looked up.
12d               
16
9
Princess Buttercup @GoldenSpirals
Feed a Retweeter,
Starve a Troll.
12d               
156
89
Bklyn Mike @bklynmike3
Pavlov's Ice Cream Truck
12d               
42
10
Thinkerbell @Izianikapani
I don't believe one sex is better than the other

...except for how we look from behind, bending over naked. Women win that one, pants down.
12d               
258
135
Bklyn Mike @bklynmike3
Missed connection:
We were biking in opposite directions on the Manhattan Bridge.
You smiled . Or maybe you winced.
Hope you got home safe.
12d               
36
3
Bklyn Mike @bklynmike3
I woke up like this . pic.twitter.com/o6BDmHAl62
12d               
63
8
it's just Vicky @NervesLerge
Chill TF out babe pic.twitter.com/3kkxO3YxW8
13d               
6
1
Bklyn Mike @bklynmike3
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
unlock your account.
13d               
60
28
Bklyn Mike @bklynmike3
Jealousy is such a
bourgeois emotion.
13d               
71
30
Bklyn Mike @bklynmike3
What happened to
all the slack I cut yesterday?
13d               
48
14
mynameisJimmy @jimmy_sharpe
I walk into rooms and forget why I went in there at least three times a day. I really don't think aliens would be interested in us.
14d               
108
47
Olivia @aveuaskew
I'm not above having a torrid love affair with you to get your secret chili recipe.
15d               
209
96
Steve Suckington @SteveSuckington
I'm like an Olympian when it comes to sex.
Way too much practice for something that only happens once every 4 years.
15d               
722
409
it's just Vicky @NervesLerge
#Classic ussie with my dad. pic.twitter.com/dsDByxBBmj
15d               
8
1
thomas you twat @xTomBlythex
I can't remember this power ranger episode? pic.twitter.com/keP4AWzcLG
16d               
28
8
KungFuChop @SkullfuckT
I just met a wine maker that made a group of us feel very very uncomfortable.

He was the vintner of our discontent
16d               
32
17
Beyonce Kardashian @BookishBohem
When a girl friend-zones a guy, it means no sex.

When a guy friend-zones a girl, it means just sex.
16d               
52
30
nizaam @nizaam325
@Shoegasmic roses are red...my balls are blue..mami dont panic..i wont support your kid too.. Damn! Spoken word at its best 😂😂😂
16d in reply to Shoegasmic               
2
1
VICKY -EVAN$ @vixter87
Diedres neck on #corrie tonight was to much 😱
16d               
2
1
Coronation Street @corriespoil
Hit the retweet button if you were happy to see Ken Barlow back in #Corrie tonight! pic.twitter.com/FXJrzdkaHv
16d               
72
159
Ken Barlow @_KenBarlow_
Rob was out of his element standing up to #KingKen. If you're staying in #KingKens house, then you better bow down to his greatness.
16d               
3
1
Natalie Byrne @natalie_byrnex
Oh Ken! C'mon... worse things have happened! 🙈😳👍 #Corrie #KensReturn pic.twitter.com/H7twmfGxwE
16d               
2
1
Judi @JudiUhuegbu
I don't buy that someone can keep such terrible family news from their partner for so long. No wonder Ken's pissed off. #KenIsBack #Corrie
16d               
1
2
Matt (Capital FM) @matt_lissack
I'm sorry, but that cry from Deirdre then was EPICALLY hilarious. #corrie 😂
16d               
37
18
entertainment.ie @entertainmentIE
Someone had to take the mick out of Michelle Keegan's 'chillin' bathroom selfie... e1.ie/2pda/ #Corrie pic.twitter.com/2D00KVrlDE
16d               
10
8
tazz @noneofyours99
Sometimes it takes someones world falling apart to make them a nicer person.
17d               
131
93
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
I once dated someone for two months because I was unconscious.
17d               
707
363
Donnie Moses @MyLaR79
@andytom1999 it's like when the man who invented the Hokie Cokie died. As they lowered his coffin his left leg went in :-D
18d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Just Frank @bluredfrank
Dude outside coffee shop keeps telling everyone Jesus is coming. Fine. Fine. Fine. He better be buying some drinks.
18d               
5
3
N⚡N @normmynorm
Tropical Smoothie save me.
18d               
2
The Nerd @drunknerdpro
Canadian bacon is just ham that continuously apologizes for not being real bacon.
18d               
15
8
Navaho Madcap @McGunnersite
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
18d               
43
23
Jimbo Was His Name-O @ItMightBeJimbo
"Doing what's best for the children" sometimes means eating an entire box of cookies, in the car, while they're sleeping.
18d               
14
4
Camden's finest @anbrll00
I want to see rap battles, but with opera singers instead.
18d               
12
3
KC of TX @kcmoore51
Dunkin Donuts has a rewards program called "DD Perks"...and that's probably the best boobs/donuts cross promotion ever created. Well done.
18d               
49
24
Jessica Prime @FaerieGlamour
One of the best things about being alone or with a non-judgey person, is the impromptu dance parties.
18d               
5
2
Surat! @Suratsays_
Son-I'll put on my stupid jacket, get in stupid car and we'll go to stupid shopping.
Neighbour-Don't talk to your stupid father like that.!
18d               
23
23
Surat! @Suratsays_
B1-I can't move on like her.
B2-Sure you can. I'll help you.
B1-How?
B2- I don't know. By saying things like, "Sure you can. I'll help you."
18d               
27
28
Surat! @Suratsays_
B1-Don't be sad, It doesn't matter what she is, it only matters what she's not.
B2-what is she not?
B1-she is not coming back to you, pal..
18d               
29
27
Crazy Stalker Mom @texasstalkermom
Keep it simple...do more of what you love with people that make you happy.
18d               
143
82
Donna T @sweetg35
Running amuck IS exercise.
18d               
312
204
Funbags McFuckstick @mc_funbags
@andytom1999 that's what I was fearing....how? Delete the yahoo! DELETE THE YAHOOOOOOO!!!!
26d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Funbags McFuckstick @mc_funbags
@andytom1999 how does that even happen? 😯
26d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
If I had to choose between taking the Blue Pill or the Red Pill,

I'd probably crush them both up & snort the purple shit.
29d               
55
29
Dean @DeanOkay
It's not polluting if the recyclable bottles you throw out of the car window into the lake have a note inside of them.
30d               
43
13
Trophies @willzanders
Breathe more deeply.
30d               
7
1
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
No, I'm not a Porn "Star".

I'm really just more of an aspiring Porn "Supporting Cast Member".
30d               
12
Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Your Chihuahua looks like a real dog who's very far away.
30d               
75
30
Nick Ross @NickBossRoss
Fill a blow-up doll with helium and have sex with a superhero.
30d               
49
10
Trophies @willzanders
I'm here because you broke something.
31d               
6
2
The H Factor @onelongbender
When people tell me I'm intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.
31d               
472
314
philip jackson @philipjackson38
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
31d               
19
5
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
I'd rather have twenty followers that actually read my shit, than thousands that don't even really exist.
32d               
79
26
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
Ever since I stopped smoking weed, I've realized that none of you are funny.

And neither am I.
32d               
25
4
TROOF N' SOUL @mrtruthandsoul
I'm gonna go off the grid for awhile…ok, I'm back
32d               
172
96
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
You just starred my tweet.

So, I tried to follow you.

You have me blocked.

Now I'm confused.
33d               
18
4
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
Curiosity didn't kill the cat.

Turns out it was just a big truck.
34d               
7
Sad Peruna @SadPeruna
Why did someone call it a "spreadsheet" and not "the slow death of my soul within this cubicle"?
34d               
40
16
Rob Robbins @rrobbins0216
I'm 26 and I still find myself wondering what I wanna be when I grow up. And the answer's always a wizard.
34d               
4
3
Faith Choyce @teamsexydork
How many more years until thongs are known as "granny panties"?
35d               
5
1
Show me your Twits @Overdue_Bills
I asked my daughter to help write a list for camping so she wrote 'snacks' then went to lay down. Behold the magic of genetics.
35d               
159
67
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
Never look a gift whore in the mouth.
35d               
4
1
Brother Rabbit @Danny_McH2O
When I die, I want to be chopped up into random geometric shapes,

Then at my funeral, play the Tetris theme song, & put me back together.
36d               
8
1
hippie @nakedlaughing
THE NEW PHONE BOOKS ARE HERE!
THEY'RE JUST A POSTCARD THAT SAYS "GOOGLE IT, FUCKNUTS"!
37d               
177
102
Felix Cat @FelixtheCatNYC
@HuffingtonPost Many celebs consider journalists, sub-human.
44d in reply to HuffingtonPost               
1
Senor Hollyweezy @pradogod
If you shave a guinea pig it looks like a baby hippo
45d               
14
6
Best of Urekasgold @urekasgold
@andytom1999 Gotta have boundaries. Lol!!!!
50d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Earth Porn @EarthPornx
Remote lake shore, Chile, photographed by Marc Adamus #EarthPorn pic.twitter.com/HWjcAXGqR5
52d               
21
19
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
Wet my hair under the faucet, rub it dry, fill it with mousse and spike it high. Paint the eyes and lips, black and purple. There I am, me.
52d               
3
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
My favorite thing about my father-in-law is his eyebrow.
52d               
49
15
TeeJay A.O.M.U @TeejayRush
Crazy people don't know that they're crazy. I know I'm crazy, therefore I'm not crazy... Which is kinda crazy...
52d               
72
46
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
I don't care of I have to sleep in my car again, I will not let any old fucking douche bag try to control me.
52d               
4
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
Spiritualityforkids followed me. The tweet where 18 calls 11 a "fart fuck" must have tipped them off that my kids need help.
52d               
47
20
Miss Moneypenny @_Ms_Moneypenny_
While you're busy beating yourself up & apologizing for being human, don't forget to pick up your self respect & put it back in your pocket.
53d               
72
33
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
Give me the finger, I don't fucking care. I'll bite off your finger, so there.
53d               
4
1
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
WebMD thinks my problem is being alive and suggests I try death.
53d               
2
1
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
The worst part of the day, the day part, is over. Now into the worst part of the night, the night part. Hi ho, away we go.
53d               
2
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
The hell of hell is being in hell.

It's hellish.
53d               
1
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
The key to raising respectful teens is leaving them in the forest forever at age 12.
53d               
83
48
MAJIN BOOB @coreyforde
@andytom1999 p much
53d in reply to andytom1999               
1
Julie @bizarrequotes
the shame is like the pain you never feel either one
53d               
13
3
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
When 16's closet is completely full, she likes to go to the mall and buy a bunch more shit she doesn't need.
54d               
43
12
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
I had to pee, but then it went away.

Where did it go?
54d               
75
36
Killer Bunny @killerbunny00
Twitter: Are you sure you want to retweet that?

Me: Oh wait, maybe not, let me think about it for awhile, thanks.
54d               
70
31
ℛℰℬℰℂℂᎯ @cheeky__gal
I may still have "it", but nobody wants to see it.
54d               
227
123
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
I'm sorry I was one hour late to pick you up, but I didn't know "tryna scoop at 3" meant "Mom, can you please pick me up at 3:00."
54d               
67
23
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
Today's motto: Nothing ventured, Peace attained.
55d               
62
34
Miss Amanda Jones @A_girlygirl1979
I will go down on him but Goddamnit he isn't allowed to use my chapstick.
55d               
15
5
Miss Amanda Jones @A_girlygirl1979
If you are going to slap me.
.
Slap me with your cock.

That is it.

Bye!
55d               
17
5
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
If you bring a pitcher of margaritas down to the beach, you won't have to bring a chair or umbrella.
56d               
62
25
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
She was proud that she was able to trim her tweet down to proper character limits, but unaware of the sad fact that it had lost all meaning.
56d               
90
37
So Done Mom @Momtoteens
The key to happiness is making the backup plan as attractive as the preferred one so I bought a liter of vodka while on a wine run today.
56d               
70
41
NicoAspeling @NicoAspeling
I don't flirt with disaster. I just go straight up and fuck with it.
59d               
453
345
Corey Paterson @Midgetspar
A Homeless Canadian stuck his hand out and I gave him a low five then flipped mine around for a return smack and he gave me his last dollar.
59d               
285
115
ℛℰℬℰℂℂᎯ @cheeky__gal
I avoid work conversations by walking around with a box of tampons.
60d               
608
310
why? @knot_eye
I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I protect it by rolling them up when things get messy.
60d               
344
265
Oh @a_olivia4212
You know ,it's okay not to express every single thought that you have ?
61d               
16
7
Loco Eric @ericsshadow
Women want men to be good listeners, pay attention to them & be honest. Men want women to want less things.
62d               
687
431
IG fusedude @fusedude
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, but a bottle full of Fireball helps any girl go down.
66d               
12
2
A Girls Life @AGirlsLifeTwitt
Ignoring texts is only okay when I do it..
66d               
297
298
Dean @DeanOkay
Imagine being right.

Wrong. You're married.
66d               
212
104
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare
One time my dad & I went to a baseball game where Donald Trump entered the field via helicopter. Dad was the only 1 to stand & boo. The best
66d               
1,757
296
rob delaney @robdelaney
My dad died trying to make me laugh by running into a wall to do the "Kool Aid Man trick" at my 8th birthday party. I miss you dad.
66d               
3,681
1,403
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
Psst. There's a massive difference between adoring people and needing people.
66d               
66
9
Skinnie Talls @SkinnieTalls
You are my whole universe, or maybe a blackhole, whatever.
66d               
400
284
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
My phone is doing this weird thing where I don't want to talk to you.
66d               
22
6
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
I need some tips on how to take those ass selfies. Which filter do I use to make it half the size and more toned?
66d               
16
1
J-ill @J_Illunninati
My neighbors are having a party. What better time to detonate the bomb I put in their Bitch Ass tree
66d               
20
12
The Left Arm @1CleverGirl1
If I could change one thing about my life it would be to be a little less perfect...

...perfection is SUCH a burden.
66d               
60
33
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
I never try and keep people.
Because when I've wanted to move on, somebody putting pressure on me to stay has just annoyed me.
So.

*waves*
67d               
59
9
J's_Soul @thunderinmysoul
If I trust you, I won't ask for answers you're not freely giving me. If you love me, you won't make me have questions at all...
67d               
86
60
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
Self-cleaning oven my arse.
67d               
74
9
rob delaney @robdelaney
Even though my kids in Costa Rica & Vietnam didn't send cards, I sense they wish me a fantastic Father's Day. #mahalo
67d               
922
229
Stephanie Sparkles @SSparklesDaily
We can't choose our parents or how they decide to treat us but we can choose to be everything they aren't.
67d               
83
46
Joker @FunnyTunes
Father’s Day is just like Mother’s Day only you don’t spend so much.
67d               
116
51
SgtButtCheeks @SgtButtCheeks
Shout out to the grandparents raising your stupid kid's kids.

You're giving your grandkids a chance and that's pretty damn awesome.
67d               
59
17
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
I just called my computer a dickwad.

Ah, Sunday.
67d               
65
14
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
I Think I Came; the story of the little whore that would.
67d               
12
1
The Planet @ShipInTheKnight
Sometimes I think FavStar's attitude is "I can't believe they give us money."
67d               
33
6
~Cindy~ @CindyNoPants
Look, I never asked you to follow me.
67d               
115
35
Token Geezer @Token_Geezer
Parenthood - Where the only time in any 24 hour period your children aren't "starving" hungry, is the second you serve up their dinner
67d               
166
73
who cares @avaricious1
I heard some wanker use one of my tweets on the telly so I know a thing or two about fame.
67d               
23
4
Asia @Auzzie78
I really want to wish you a happy father's day daddy...
67d               
3
BrainPornNinja @CackleClub
Hey cast of Breakfast Club, you know you could've walked out of detention coz you're 30 right?
67d               
46
9
Allison Sullivan @allisulli
Some people just make you feel better about the world bc you know they're in it
67d               
61
30
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
There's a difference between moving on and forgetting. I like to remember. It stops me taking anything for granted...once I've moved on.
67d               
120
47
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
I don't do that complaining thing.
It's just too dull for everyone.
67d               
66
14
Tim Hawken @Tim_Hawken
Weekend Twitter: Because wasting your time on the internet isn't an occupation, it's a lifestyle.
67d               
27
12
Rob Knows Stuff @ForeverHairy
Let's eat till we puke and postpone sex yet another night.

-couples on their anniversary
67d               
31
5
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
Right below rock bottom dwell the people who like to creep Christian twitter.
67d               
17
5
The People's Goddess @ShoutingGoddess
Mothers all over the world prepared to do everything tomorrow, as normal.

But because it's a special day for Fathers...with a forced smile.
67d               
52
9
Bob Heller @Bob_Heller
Mountain time is much different than mountin' time unless you gots big country titties. Then, they're the same.
67d               
83
31
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
What if god was one of us, just a slob like one of us, or like a power ranger, what if god was a power ranger
67d               
405
149
Joleen Doreen @JoleenDoreen
Deleting tweets in an attempt to erase the last ten years.
67d               
37
11
yaboybobby @djskill3t
🎤
i can feel me
cumming
in your hair
tonight
67d               
45
20
Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk
I think you're confusing being confident with being a bitch.
67d               
80
28
rob delaney @robdelaney
I hope England wins because I'm about to move there & I want everyone in a good mood.
67d               
798
145
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
What if heaven is real, and you go there, but there was a mixup and you ended up in snake heaven
67d               
285
114
Beth Stelling @BethStelling
My mom had to take down my senior pic from the wall bc ppl were coming over & immediately getting way too turned on pic.twitter.com/Qq59oTjNH2
67d               
341
50
mynameisJimmy @jimmy_sharpe
Do something crazy today. Tell a woman she's wrong.
67d               
212
164
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
UPDATE: I ate a lot of pudding before I found out we didn't have any pudding so I'm not really sure what I ate
67d               
414
156
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
Yes, kids, once upon a time, Phil Collins was very popular. Then again, we were all really drunk.
68d               
52
7
DaddyJew @DaddyJew
Go away responsibilities, nobody likes you.
68d               
505
394
Crazy Stalker Mom @texasstalkermom
May your day be filled with rainbows and roses, or titties and beer, whatever makes you happiest.
68d               
109
57
Claudia @bossy_bootz
Hanging out in the bathroom and other things I never considered until having kids
68d               
410
207
Steve @WigCannon
You can't prove that beached whales aren't just trying to go shopping.
68d               
313
124
Gordon @MisterBombay
Sometimes I wake up and my minds like, 'Oh good! I'm so happy you're up. I made a list of all the things I think you're doing wrong. Here."
68d               
206
92
Michèle @Boleyngirly
No, I'm pretty sure self-confidence isn't supposed to be that annoying.
69d               
281
157
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
Your mom wants to hear every detail of your life. Your dad only wants the stuff that won't piss him off.
69d               
99
32
Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley
I just entered all of my symptoms on WebMD and apparently I'm married.
69d               
652
337
Loco Eric @ericsshadow
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
69d               
742
337
Nathan Buckley @duplicitron
Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.
69d               
883
348
p. @WaterLilyDreams
I just checked the expiration date on a box of froot loops instead of the milk carton. Go weed.
69d               
30
6
El Knuckelhombre @ElKnuckelhombre
Fuck this, I've got cats to shave.
69d               
207
69
Jessie @NicCageMatch
Facebook is for people who liked high school.
70d               
2,360
1,137
Shawn Spree @shawnspree
A cry for help is called a drink.
70d               
283
177
PrincessCandyEmpire @llvvzz
Maybe he hasn't texted back because he's trying to get up the nerve to say "I love you." You don't know.
70d               
408
207
●• Pαяι •●|●•ਪਰੀ•● ツ @iPhoneWali
Friends are like portable chargers :')
71d               
68
64
Miss Jones @ladyfiredancer
The key to your heart is through my dirty whore mouth.
71d               
56
24
Jay X @Xoolun
Went up to a prostitute and stared at her tits and said how much?

$50 she said

Thought so I said they're the worst implants I've ever seen
71d               
404
257
AngieT @Angela_T30
R.I.P Rik Mayall
72d               
1
A Guy Named Kelly @kellysdf
If your household chore list does not include "Take A Nap", you've made a bad list.
73d               
60
12
Ankles @selkna
Twitter is our treehouse.
75d               
124
65
Tequila Mockingbird @DanSing10
People are defending Bieber saying it was cause of his age in the videos. When I was that age I wasn't a racist pig though.
76d               
1
Warren Holstein @WarrenHolstein
I’m hoping Justin Bieber starts wearing a white hood just so we don’t have to look at his awful hairdo.
77d               
11
1
DisasterPlan @TheGayFlash
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for five hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
77d               
14
14
Genital Ben @redherringbear
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
77d               
82
33
Shae Aaron @ShaeAaron
I was so entertained making waterfalls with my chest in the shower that I forgot to go to work.
77d               
51
13
Melvin of York @MelvinofYork
Ever worn a wet bathing suit all day, not realizing how uncomfortable it is until you get out of it? That’s my first marriage in a nutshell.
77d               
136
42
RidicuLos @LosLos__
The truth will set you free.

A screenshot will get you a divorce.

Whichever.
79d               
144
94
Pink Expectations @pussy_woes
It is nap time o'clock.
79d               
19
5
Jimmer Cork-Bottle @JimmerThatisAll
By jingo I use a lot of obsolete expressions.
79d               
271
149
John @John26649305
People who set their sprinklers to water from one side of the sidewalk to the other should be beaten with sticks.
80d               
1
V @xMistressVx
Keep your lies to yourself.

I'm busy living my truth.
81d               
32
15
John @John26649305
Cashier asked me if I wanted the senior discount. I wonder how many"No" answers she gets.
81d               
5
John @John26649305
@John26649305
Shoot! I meant shoot.
83d in reply to John26649305               
2
Dennis Who5o3v3r @dthur3232
bonus: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Graffito
#quote
83d               
14
5
Jamie Lynn @Jay_FrickinLynn
I found my first gray hair today. I'm only 23.

I thought I'd dye.
86d               
258
108
sparklekitten @ImSorryToo
My ex used to sext in comic sans.
89d               
18
4
sparklekitten @ImSorryToo
When I found my ex-boyfriend's secret trunk full of women's clothing I got very upset because it was all like two sizes too small for me.
90d               
46
23
IG fusedude @fusedude
While masturbation is a touchy subject, oral sex is a matter of taste.
90d               
912
617
JD Crowe @CroweJam
I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.
90d               
381
188
thebosun @thebosun
I was kicked out of the United Anarchist Movement for turning up to a meeting
92d               
83
34
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
93d               
39
25
Lynne McCarthy @LynneMcCarthy
I was addicted to soap,

but I'm clean now.
93d               
14
7
OLΞUΔИИΔ @Oleuanna
Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart & Marilyn Monroe, 1953. pic.twitter.com/oskvnESG2a There isn't a 2014 equivalent... not even close..
93d               
15
11
StonedDankGirl @StonedDankGirl
Want world peace? Make drugs and sex easily accessible
93d               
4
2
Mommy Fab @Mommy_Fab
It wasn't weird until someone pooped on the floor.
93d               
20
1
✨мя Gяєєи @iGreenMonk
"Gimme a shot of whiskey."

"Sir, this is McDonald's."

"Okay, gimme a McWhiskey ...and super-size it!"
97d               
340
325
C'est la vie @Robert_Beau
At Subway:

SW: Yes sir?

Me: Steak and cheese on wheat.

SW: 6 Inch?

Me: No thanks, just the sandwich.
97d               
79
39
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