We found 196 favorite tweets.
New LAW & ORDER Masturbation Terms:
—Bagging and tagging
—Dusting for prints
—Sending samples off to the lab
—Reaching out to the D.A.
Lame Kim Shattuck () getting fired from Pixies. She's fucking badass. Oh well, I'd rather have more Muffs anyway!
Seriously. RT Hey cool 'nerds' let's take it down about 50 notches.
Led Zeppelin totally ripped it off with "Hey, Hey What Can I Do" I shouldn't have written this tweet
Warren Zevon quietly ate a baked eggplant and jicama soufflé with a long spoon while wearing a tuxedo.
If you care for me at all, please don't let anyone play "In the Summertime" by Mungo Jerry at my funeral.
Monkees - Riu Chiu - Offical Video - High Quality
The "7A!" argument at the beginning of "Daydream Believer" rightfully reclaims its spot as the most important in pop culture.
A range of Hallmark cards that say variations on "Sorry I don't like the other guy in Pavement's songs as much"
Kudos to for being honest about the low quality of their product:
I also have a fun take on Cyber Monday!
Exactly!! It's more like Liar's Club.
Happy Cyber Monday to the surviving members of Led Zeppelin!!!
I love you, . I truly love you. Everyone read every single one of his Tweets I just RT'd. From the beginning.
Thanks for all the supportive responses, everybody. Looks like another win for the good guys tonight.
I've also done a lot of TV guest starring work and been in some great indies. Thanks for being a fan. Now lick my asshole, seriously."
The note said "David, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Samm Levine. I was on Freaks & Geeks and got mostly cut out of Inglourious Basterds.
Yeah, he's definitely too much of a pussy to face me. I'm going home. I gave the gate agent a note for him.
Someone from the "coroners" office just boarded the plane to get him. What the hell is that anyway? An office for self-centered douches?
Well, I'm waiting for him at the gate but he's clearly scared and won't get off the plane to face me.
We have just arrived at LAX. Somehow the noisiest passenger on this flight slept through our landing.
Uh-oh. We're "landing" soon.
My ultimate note to "David."
David has received another note from me. He's so pathetic and dominated he pretended to be napping.
I am working on my Emmy-worthy retort.
My response to "David" in 32G.
I have delivered my amazing note.
Passed him & took a pic. Told him I'd be right back. He's shaking, mumbling to himself & turning embarrassingly pale.
I'm carefully crafting my response.
"David" is about 75 or 80 years old. He's wearing pants and a shirt, and a silver medic alert bracelet on his ridiculous fucking wrist.
This guy has no idea what he just started.
Jesus Christ. The copilot just handed me a note from 32G.
The flight attendant is paying no attention to him now. I guess he's heard enough of his pleas for assistance.
OMG!! He's making such a scene in his row that people are moving away from him!!
I sent 32G some tums and a note.
FUCK! He's injecting himself & screaming about not feeling any better. He says he thinks there may be a problem & needs a different medicine
Holy shit, I did it! There's no insulin left! I'm literally shaking! (I also just snorted a bunch of coke)
OK, I HAVE to mess with this guy. I think I'll crack open the first aid kit and swap out the insulin with that disgusting potable water crap
Just because you aren't watching the inflight movie doesn't mean we all have to stop what we're doing to attend to your personal crisis.
It's like he doesn't realize we're all on this plane with him. Yes, yes, you and your diabetes needs come first, sir.
Ugh. Some wacko on my flight is wailing about a "diabetic emergency." He keeps going on and on about insulin.
just perused your tweets and, based on empirical evidence, you are a genius and I love you
Happy birthday to the very great
A big happy birthday to the extraordinary
For your birthday, I got you a finger sandwich (hold the mold) and a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it. Happy Happy! xo
happy birthday to the coolest person I don't know on Twitter !!!
PEOPLE OF TWITTER: Today is 's birthday. I am lucky she is my friend. Now let's all enjoy these RTs I got comin'! 👯❤️🎉🎉🎈🎉🎉❤️👯
Please this woman. RT : My favorite oxymoron is either "Jumbo Shrimp" or "Essential Clapton."
It's my dear "in real life" friend 's birthday today -
I'm back in LA if anyone wants to jam to Aerosmith PUMP
. I like to watch sturdy women play volleyball.
"Pleasant screams! I mean... dreams. Sorry Daniel. I am trying." - The Cryptkeeper, new stepdad
Happy Birthday keeper of the cool, and one of the cleverest tweeters in all of twitterdom.
Happy birthday to the amazingly funny !!
is the Carole King to 's Carly Simon. Happy birthday, Rachel!
Also, happy birthday , u fuckin' goddess.
My favorite thing is when a restaurant specializes in a certain kind of food only it's the "rockin'" version.
You are the funniest person on the Internet and I don't say this lightly.
Every turkey is different and special. All are beautiful. Your turkey is perfect just the way it is.
"The Beatles when you're writing, the Stones when you're jogging." -- John McMillian, BEATLES VS. STONES
Which would be more fun - watching the Garth Brooks concert on CBS tonight or filling my entire body with sand?
Today's hot jam: "Mindless Child of Motherhood" by the Kinks live VIDEO
I don't see Black Friday... only "Friday." [breathes deeply through nostrils]
. Black Friday? Aliens will wear our vertebrae as necklaces.
maybe next year you can invite Schneider from One Day at a Time
Jude Law's hairline is the follicular version of that "Hang in there, baby!" kitten.
Nana is telling me a funny thing she heard that I just told her.
I think it's very cool that Eminem references Max Headroom in his new video, but I am not a fan of 2 Chainz dressing up like The Noid.
People are upset that had "Kinky Boots" in the parade this year. Well, this the float *I* wanted to do. :(
Thanksgiving AND Hanukah? Who gives a shit.
Thanks, , for ruining this day even further.
Writing a good Kraftwerk joke is harder than it looks.
Neal Schon's Pay-Per-View Wedding
You're welcome to come here if you don't have anywhere to go tomorrow.
Tonight ends with hooking up with an old high school flame or your mom's back issues of Shape.
"Why are they tossing my shit at each other?" - Frosty the Snowman witnessing his first snowball fight
An annual post -- Fairport Convention - Now Be Thankful: via VIDEO
Jealous of the spontaneous rapport that boarding group D is exhibiting
If you’re reading the airline magazine, you forgot to bring, like, eight things.
Musician Twitter-burned me the other day. Now he's faving my tweets left & right to try to "smooth things over."
new-age folger's crystals
If I self-identify by LA FM radio stations, then I am a Latino senior citizen who likes music made by black people
Hell yeah my crew has air tight harmonies.
Two members of Gene Krupa's band were arrested for cocaine. They were not mayors of anywhere. It was a different time.
I think what's happening with the Pope is the movie "Dave."
The Best Show On WFMU is ON THE AIR. and LIVE IN STUDIO & surprises. 9-mid EST
just take those old records off the shelf / too many records & i can't see my shelf
Very excited about this upcoming album w/"MacArthur Park" Looks and sounds terrific! Kudos!
Here's John Lennon wearing five pairs of glasses, 1970s via
You should see all the tweets I don't post.
I'm glad that the Monkees continue to be influential and inspiring to other bands. That is all.
Do you know who I wish was on Twitter? Kirsty MacColl. She should have been brilliant.
A stunningly large percentage of the population of L.A. look like they could have been in Oingo Boingo.
RIP Chico Hamilton....
One of my favorite drummers! Mike, check this clip. VIDEO
I don't need your permission to be fabulous.
I can't tell if my sweater makes me look like a wizard or a kindergarten art teacher, but you can't tell I ate two lunches, so it stays.
I think I speak for us all when I say please clean up after your dogs at the Molly Pitcher NJ Turnpike rest stop!!!
You don't live here yet but you will
Guys. Was Greased Lightnin' a REAL pussy wagon? I dunno if it actually was. :(
Looking forward to reading your guys's's'ses tweets later
. make my dad stop singing "Separate Ways."
Every OCD joke has been done. I checked, twice.
This is the only thing on earth that thought Green Acres was funny...
My new nickname in 2014? "The Mayor of Pismo Beach."
Was there ever a more overlooked American folk hero than Johnny Linseed?
Just saw a 1950s TV laugh track machine on Antiques Roadshow valued at 10K. If only I could afford that I could delete this account.
In order to understand that parody video you have to watch the original video and what I'm not fucking doing that.
Would you think less of me if you knew the recipe I just followed ended with the statement "an adult should remove the dish from the oven"?
Idea for Red Hot Chili Peppers: No singing.
Thing. Thing with different instrument. Thing with different instrument. Thing with all instruments. (classical music)
Congrats ! picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day:
my guard roomba killed tony perkins because ernest borgnine found out my other roombas are actually humans that used to be my crew. mondays!
I like how we always inform Jesus when it's cold.
"Can I wear what I have on?" -- the only question Philip Seymour Hoffman asked about "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire"
So excited for Taylor Swift's Nancy McKeon biopic
did he make the jean jacket out of twine, a pine cone and the filament of a light bulb? Yeah you're on the right channel.
explosions in the background? You're in the right place
Wait, "jazz hands" doesn't mean covering your mouth while you yawn? incredible.
There are only two more nights of 's Joe's Pub show. She has really made the medium of cabaret the sub to her dom. A joy!
Janis Ian is terrible workout music.
I wish they'd bring back Doctor Who.
You won, I searched for footage, and the bass player from just catapulted into my top 10 favorite bass players of all time.
There's no "dabbling" in Satanism you're either in or you're out
Gotta ask that pitch pipe its secret. I took Oompa Loompa out to a really expensive dinner and got nothing!
"Walk like an Egyptian?" Sure! [meticulously studies archival footage of Anwar Sadat]
1. Time is merely a construct of the mind.
2. We really wanted to be dancers actually.
3. Lots of our planes work
I'm a teacher/tutor. You have no IDEA how many times a day I feel like saying this to parents...
Happy 50th anniversary, Dr. Hook!
Christmas time always makes me think of those poor starving kids in Africa forced to hang out with Bob Geldof
"Yes, sir, I would like you to know that you have a whore living in 2R. Rossi, Janice Rossi."
"Honey, he's old enough to have murdered your grandparents." (Friend of Charles Manson's fiancée)
Hey , we had a cancellation. Are available to be hanged, drawn-and-quartered tomorrow night 9 pm?
Watching the "advertiser's cut" of The Wild Bunch on AMC. I'm not sure I'd have put the Acura/Hot Pockets/Lunesta block just there.
Who should replace Brody on tomorrow's bill ? Perhaps @BudAbbottJr? ? ? ? ?
More people have seen Zapruder's first film than all the films of Ben Stiller combined. Shameful Hollywood didnt give him another chance.
You know us as The Bangles but deep down we will always be The Bangs.
Here are the world's only celebrities: Cybill Shepherd, Cher, Terence Stamp. I have heard of no other people in entertainment.
If the world ends it would be great if this picture was the last surviving document of our existence.
I'm watching on Saturday morning. This feels like real TV watching!
I hope, for your sakes, that at isn't all sold out, because if it is, then you can't see it AND YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!!
I’m old enough to remember when gossip mags gave a damn
It's almost cold enough in LA for my hats to not look so stupid.
Abba's performance of SOS on the season 1 SNL Robert Klein episode. It's pretty good.
5PM: A burial plot for amputated limbs produces some truly unimpressive ghosts, and a tidepool linguist reveals the secret of crabsongs
4PM: The world's first Christian potato hits supermarkets, and a talking cat is caught on webcam urging another owner towards suicide
3PM TODAY: Meet the LA fitness instructor cross-training the homeless, and visit the only convent licensed to distill children's whiskey
Charles Manson is getting married, which makes me happier than ever that we're not Facebook friends.
If somebody ever mentions David Crosby and I do NOT make a turkey baster joke, check my pulse or my hearing.
It's really hard to sleep with an Oscar.
Quick, chubby! Get in line 30 minutes early even though you're in boarding group F! You're easy to get around.
I had steak and a pear for breakfast, like I'm Yoko fucking Ono or some shit.
I don't think one guy in Silver Lake with a Rollie Fingers mustache knows who Rollie Fingers is.
It would be an honor to call the police on the great Herb Alpert.
Two years ago, I went through the entire Herb Alpert/A&M archive at UCLA. Non-faded in-store photos galore!
Just ran into a pole because I was checking out a lady's butt.
A faded photo from a Herb Alpert in-store would trump them both.
Sometimes it drives me nuts that there aren't many biker gangs in New York City cuz I love kicking people's asses when they get on my turf.
My daughter is in fifth grade, which means I am in fifth grade. Hated it the first time, hate it the second. Or, possibly, I just hate her.
Mork was extremely unkind to Orson about his weight.
Children with more money than me freak me out.
my mobile-pelvic-exam van broke down. no more free pelvic exams today gang!
Verified just followed me, do I run or am I already dead
Guys, I've got some great jokes lined up for when Rob Ford snorts heroin & sets a small child on fire
Really? I thought he would've done the stuff about Wikileaks and the BDSM community he's been working in the clubs.
I have never yet met a "Jerry" who didn't think he was hilarious.
- I refuse to go into hiding.
Beatles shrine at Margie's Candies- Western Ave.
They're actually making "It’s a Wonderful Life: The Rest of the Story." It would've been better if we'd never been born.
Just texted someone “Meat-O!” instead of “Neat-O!” by mistake. I’m just gonna go with it.
that was your Satanic Verses.
Some Bruce Boxleitner fans didn't enjoy my 8/30/13 tweet about the Hallmark Channel's "Cedar Cove". cc:
I'll tweet the news tomorrow at noon. Ish. I told you it was big didn't I?
Michael Palin said it best. He said hanging out together being funny just made him feel so happy.
The thing I miss about vinyl is the warm, rich sound of the record skipping if anyone moved or breathed.
Dr. Huxtable was the first and last time ladies went to an OB/GYN who worked out of a room in his basement.