We found 199 favorite tweets.
Love , loved her memoir, makes me laugh out loud a LOT. Just realized how much shit she must get being a prominent hilar feminist
Maybe, i am unsure of twitter protocol.
It means that considering the amount of "mean" Christians, lack of Christ is not the primary problem of the mean.
Hell, I've GOT Jesus and it didn't somehow magically enable my enjoyment of the thing.
To me, the most fucked up thing about Tila Tequila will always be that she was really into Myspace.
Felt. Velvet for poor people. ™
perfect I'm making croissants right now
been trying - I don't even work out at that place- was just following u around town tryin to get ur attention&buy u a slice.
Did you know if you hold your penis in a glass of coke for an hour it will dissolve? You will also be asked to leave the diner.
My new full time job is art directing our Elf on the Shelf.
Thanks for the Christmas card!
I saw a woman in a gigantic coat screaming into her iPhone that having to buy a coat is fucking disgusting.
Trivia: once chose a Girls location purely because one of the buildings had graffiti that read "Backfat"
Theme parties seem so bossy
I am home alone and just dished up some neopolitan ice cream and said 'for my throat'. ALOUD. TO NO-ONE.
just drove thru the intersection where those 2 middle-aged bikers threw a cigar at the orangutan in Every Which Way But Loose
Crosby WAS a well-known agitator of his children.
At your funeral, if your friends described you as a "real character," then you were an asshole who owed them all money.
Yesterday, Split Pea with Croutons.
Still Life With Rider and Graffiti
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you've ever made
Enjoy Bruce Willis, but feel like maybe he talks too much? Try Jason Statham.
I love ELO so much. All time favorites. EL DORADO is a must-listen!//RT : how do you feel about ELO?
YOU'RE MARRIED?! I've followed you both for ages with no clue. If you need me, I'll be stuck in 1998.
too bad they don't make purell for your eyes
Eating clams w white beans and starburst breadcrumbs , listening to drum solo of Black Betty. Bambalam. Whoa
Xmas music on radio, & 8yo daughter sang along - "go tell it on the mountain, that Jesus Christ is born" but she added "and slaughtered!"
they only let you wear this if you have got the coolest titties in the gym
XMAS NEWS: "Tickle Me Elmo" replaced by "Knockout Game Grover" as hottest selling toy.
My last tomato of the year fed a critter last night. Glad to be of service!
I love giving great advice to people
"Elderly Woman Infront of Me in Line at the Airport Who I Suspect Just Farted" is my fav Pearl Jam song
that works out great for the intervention part of the afternoon
Can't wait to get drunk at and 's house today. Also, I'm drunk rn
Always thought pearl harbor was a sex thing
Our tour guide at the Lizzie Borden house just laid on the floor to show us what a dead body looks like. OK, enjoy your Saturday.
I've been put in a bridesmaid group text for a wedding that's next July. July 2014. Change my phone number? Break up their relationship?
Guy who let the door fall on me: how'd it feel when I said "Thanks for nothing" and you def didn't hear? How'd that stick in your RUDE CRAW?
If you don't return my email within 10 minutes I start looking for you in Junk, because that's where you belong!
I have this thought all the time about various people. I'm such a dick!
No one likes being surprised by raisins.
I have Cost days and I have Revs days. We all do.
Just looked directly at my phone and thought, “oh shit where’s my phone?”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
you haven't truly lived until you've talked yourself out of killing yourself
Nothing is certain but death, taxes and improv troupe photos with one guy making the "whaddya gonna do?" face.
Proof men run the media: I saw Scarlett Johansson's breasts after cell phone pix were leaked & I can't read the uncensored Gwyneth VF piece?
Song of the Day: LCD Soundsystem: New York I love You but You're Bringing me Down
Me and one of my enormous paintings, age 7.
"Just the tip!"
I can't believe they put people in jail for marijuana when there are tons of people walking around wearing multiple scarves.
Someone tell Trader Joe his zine is way too long
If you go to a movie alone, sit next to a stranger and halfway through the trailers, breathe, "You here for the movie?"
Yeah, that would've been great.
Dear NBC - how about Jesus Christ Superstar live with Michael Shannon as Judas and Mary J. Blige as Jesus and Patton Oswalt as Herod
I want them to cut to an audience of only looking mad
Let's spice it up and see how Maria can make all the kids outfits using vertical blinds.
If you're not familiar with and want to know the tenor of conservative discourse, I advise a perusal.
Its easy 2 be snarky. Sound of Music was a huge risk 4 NBC & I really enjoyed it, especially cuz it probably drove Anne Hathaway up a wall.
The best revenge is living in a whale
Drop the mic . You crushed it.
When I was a little girl I played Gretl in a production of The Sound of Music and I threw up onstage during two musical numbers.
When someone invokes, "The good ol' days" what they're saying is, "I liked it when less people had a shot at happiness."
why does he hate us all?!
Tucker Max is my favorite author.
All I ever do is listen to Coltrane and read Proust and I never talk about it.
If you are scouring the Internet to find awful reactions to Mandela's death from random people, just stop.
Hey we both have 5 kids & are really good looking pale comedians. Can I stay on your couch when I’m in Reykjavik for my show?
Going into a guy friend's bathroom just now & seeing a little piece of poo stuck in the toilet is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
♬ All I want for Christmas / is that naked painting behind Scatman Crothers' bed in The Shining ♬
♫ "Counting on youu to ♫ make ♫ the right ♫ choi-ces" little jingle I made up for walking by a co-wroker's desk
Shelly and Sissy partying.
Our reaction to Neal McDonough on Mob City. Me: "I bet he was a darling baby." : "I bet he plays a great Nazi."
my spirit animal is a couch with a bunch of cigarette burns on it
"I don't like you either." -A Brazil Nut
The dating strategy I used for most of my life works well for twitter, as it was basically "they're annoying, but not enough to unfollow."
instead of the ghost of christ mas past tonight you are being visited by the Double Dude
RE: Martin Bashir - Journalists are supposed to report facts & saying someone should shit in Sarah Palin's mouth IS factual.
Just woke up from a dream where I was reading a magazine.
Hot trends this season!
1) Being too depressed to brush your teeth
2) Soundlessly crying
3) Pleated skirts
if that ever fails to work, there's also Tijuana Taxi.
you know it's time to do the dishes when you're eating cereal out of a hat with a melon baller
oh and just wanted to say you make me laugh daily. So thanks- you are awesome
“: Amsterdam Has a Deal for Alcoholics: Work Paid in Beer, via ” So? Am I hired?
List of terrible people:
2. Osama Bin Laden
3. People that say "redonkulous"
4. Joseph Stalin
I dream of a world where women feel confident announcing 'Today I waxed my big toes!' at a dinner party.
This is my view of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree tonight, just a few minutes before it fell on Hoda Kotb.
It really bothers me that the show is called Kirstie, but Kirstie Alley's character's name is Maddie. There is no character named Kirstie.
Day one of the juice cleanse is going great! Ive had two pressed juices, onion rings, fries, Philly cheese steak, salmon and chicken
a version of The Runaway Bunny where he gets away
Second year of holidays without my dad/best friend. It's never easy. All of you who have been there understand. Cancer fucking sucks.
have to admit it's impressive to write a line where "making love" isn't even the worst phrase in it
girl do any loserish bitches go to your c bean & t leaf?
"You May Be Right" has also got to be the jauntiest justification for being an unstable asshole around.
I don't believe any of Hugh Jackmans tweets. He is not about to laugh in his last tweet. As he says.
My butthole is a d-cup :(
Ray and Hannah 2Gether 4Eva
Mama Celeste clawed at her sheets as Red Baron's mustached lips met her damp mound
My retweets ARE endorsements and all opinions are my employer's, not mine. Also: I am a really good kisser and your shoe is untied.
Walking the Room (/) will be in Dec's True Tales, which will be FREE as our Kwanzaa gift to you
I envy the effortlessness of boring people
Nobody can. Don't try so hard.
While the world continues to dominate us in all areas, we here in America are very, very busy still discussing Diane.
shouldn't we demand higher quality hoaxes?
please leave me positive feedback
Thanks for supporting my small business!
I can't decide whether to get a "who unfollowed me" app or bash myself in the face with my high school year book several times a day.
Thanks for a great day in ! Makeup by + hair by me
Are non celebs allowed to drink Pressed Juicery?
Things reached a plateau with my alien hosts when I realized the book "HOW TO SERVE MAN" was a street dance manual
no it's perfect! You won't be distracted with silly food! Add hummus if you need
Jewelry is a total scam, but try explaining that when you're on one knee proposing.
All the hot, floppy-haired guys named Chad and Zack are dads now.
Stop saying something "won the internet." It's an intricate, global system of interconnected networks, not fucking Card Sharks.
I when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the of the automobile.
Very relieved that Brody's hair is starting to grow back. He has a nobbly skull.
I'm ready for the Advent calendar where Mary is behind every door saying, "Actually, I had sex."
LOOK IM NOT PROUD I DROPKICKED A CHILD FRESH OUT THE WOMB BUT AM I EATING A PERFECT CRISP ENLISH MUFFIN RN? WELL NO I BROKE THE TOASTER BUT
He told a lady to eat his dick. If that's not heroic, I don't know what is.
We were young and full of aimless dialogue!
I really can't stay / baby it's cold outside / I've got to get away / baby it's a maze outside /what is that noise / baby it's my minotaur
I DO TOO! And then, I literally believe every refutation of everything! I am still so confused about the moon landing!
Let's retire "It is what it is". Suggest replacing it with "I wouldn't put it past it".
Pretty sure that look is a 100% authentic reflection of his free spirit.
I can't help but think that way more people would pay attention to Noam Chomsky's opinions if he simply changed his name to Eddie Jetski.
dreamt I spilled creamed corn in my lap but woke up with my period
Girl. Your frames are co-starring.
New slogan for Subway: "Bread Tubes Full of Hot Garbage."
If the government in Hunger Games really wanted to prevent an uprising, they would've organized a day where there are huge sales on TVs.
I became friendly with Zach immediately after his arc on Boston Common.
I don't pay attention to hate or negative stress tweets. Instant block, no debate, good bye. (BTW, my time here will drop off... )
I don't need to work out to sweat profusely!
I've been dragged into an RV outside Kmart, drugged, and handcuffed -- I can't even THINK of dessert
Congrats! Everybody over here is freaking out. Champagne and balloons and the whole thing. It's insane.
I'm sitting in a chair right now
Paul Walker auditioned for a role in a movie when I was a PA and I snuck into his dressing room and smelled his shirt.
I'm making a real life advent calendar at home by opening a different cupboard every day. Today's treat: Mr Muscle
Felt compelled by unholy urges to make an only slightly post-ironic chicken “tetrazzini” for family dinner. Wife concerned.
"Sorry for party rocking." - me, through tears
One thing people don't know about Diane from 7A is that her secret recipe for stuffing was actually made out of that dudes dick.
A lot of cute girls follow me. And a lot of guys who have a REALLY GOOD PERSONALITY follow me too
"Haha Clinton-Dix" is my favorite college football player name after "LOL Reagan-Buttz".
Did u know Chevy Chase appeared in another Paul Simon video? This time w/ Steve Martin? & it's embarrassing? VIDEO
quit punishing me with your apathy!!!!
Fine, here it goes... You're a lying cunt!!!!!!!
Hey 25-yr-old girl in Tom Ford sunglasses & knee high boots at JFK, we all know your 4 lb Maltese is not a service dog. Cute vest though.
And don't ever try to guess anybody's sign. Or, when you find out what it is, start nodding like that means something to you.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Johnny Cash eating a cake. 1970s
"After picking up & putting back artisanal chocolate bars for an hour, Julie eventually just buys a babka." -from a Whole Foods nature doc
That's hot. and frankly I like that better than my name now
My mom just finished telling a story she started on Tuesday.
I'm so relieved to have all that thankfulness out of my system.
You don't GO to acupuncture. You TURN to acupuncture.
I can't be the only one wondering what happened to those drinks. A wine and two little vodkas just...POOF.
ERRBODY IN THE CLUB GET UP! and plz look around your area, we are looking for a lost hermit crab, his name is Donnie Brasscrab & he's scared
There is no way that PACIFIC RIM is a documentary.
I wiped it off just before.
I wish so badly that there was a dollop of shit on your thumbnail
why get depressed when everywhere you look there are just so many goddamn titties
My fave small businesses in
Worst Thanksgiving ever. My poor mom, Diane, missed her flight, and when she finally got home, she was crying and the stuffing was ruined.
You don't get to tell me what I have to do. Not anymore.
There's this guy I keep seeing around town who comes across way too intense and--he's behind me isn't he?
My favorite Duane Reade check out girl just acknowledged that I'm there every day. Does that make me a V.I.P. or a "sad lady"?
Me to daughter (hint of menace): "You listen to your music. I'll listen to mine. We'll let history decide." She seems ready to disagree.
That. I would watch that. Wait, Guy would still host, right? And, it's about him?
"Divorce, Disease, Die" is slated to be the follow-up series to "Diner, Drive-ins, and Dives."
AMERICAN HOLIDAY SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED! THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!
The scariest part of "The Birds" is when Tippi Hedren drives for hours to give love birds to a guy she just met.
"Joan, stop talking about the cats like that." - my dad. "Well one of the cats is raping the other. So why can't I say that?" - my mom
I'm going to go ahead and say what we're all thinking: we won't have real feminism until gets a development deal.
Having the best Black Friday possible by lying in bed reading the fantastic "The Disaster Artist."
Is it just me or is a guy sending sexually harassing notes to a disruptive woman passenger a classic "no winners" situation?
I'm not a theologian but I'm pretty sure if you've ever participated in mob shopping on black friday, you aren't Christian.
I've been at the mall since 6:00 am just pulling my car in and out of the same parking spot.
My god is crazy and this is coming from a devil worshiping, atheist, with Christan values. (nods with approval) Good call Andy
If you leave the mall today without two black eyes and a stranger’s earlobe in your mouth, you’ve missed the point of America entirely.
"Baby, can you light my fire? There are matches next to that table made of whiskey bottles. Stop crying." - Jim Morrison, babysitter
Hazelnut coffee is bullshit and everyone knows it.