Former Simpsons and Cosby writer Frank Mula has a book out!
At your funeral, if your friends described you as a "real character," then you were an asshole who owed them all money.
WRITERS SUE OVER CREDIT ON "TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE" Let's just agree you all did a shitty job.
So it's cool for me to play Sun City now?
"Dunkin Donuts? Yeah, they're ok." - Boston man just before receiving brutal beating
This is the 50th anniversary of the first time I had to deal with the horror of all my favorite shows being pre-empted.
If your interview starts on Page 4 and continues on pages 37, 62, and 89, I'm not gonna make it.
"Remember when we killed bin Laden? That was awesome." - Obama on phone at 3AM with Biden, who makes "Yak yak yak" gesture to wife.
Attn: It's a good cause, but could it end with the guy before me?
I am the hardest shirking man in show business.
Today's the day I honor the brave casts of Hogan's Heroes, F Troop, McHale's Navy and Gomer Pyle.
Foghat was a moderately successful mid-level rock and roll band. There, I said it.
HOW 2 SELL NETWORK TV PILOT - Put curse word in title or imply lead character is not good at their job, or both. Ex: "MY ASSHOLE BAD LAWYER"
"I said, GOOD DAY, SIR!"
"Okay, I heard you the first time. Geez."
- scene from my unsold British drama
Every small business looks like a criminal enterprise if you enter through the back door.
The Band Perry is up for 3 Country Music Awards, including Dumbest Fucking Band Name.
When reviewing a movie about slavery, you might want to avoid the word "captivating."
I'm starting to think professional athletes aren't listening when I yell at them how to play better.
Just saw the latest issue of Popular Mechanics. Didn't recognize any of them.
Day after Halloween and still seeing lots of people in hilarious hobo costumes! Oh, wait...
HuffPo Headline: "KATY PERRY: MICK JAGGER HIT ON ME WHEN I WAS 18" Real Headline: "LEGENDARY PUSSY HOUND HITS ON LEGAL AGE GIRL"
Okay parents, now that you've spent a year on YOUR costume, time to slap something together for the kids.
CHRIS BROWN GOING BACK TO REHAB FOR ANGER: Swears he's going to beat this thing - and everyone else in rehab.
The Entourage movie's gonna happen!
The Entourage movie's not gonna happen!
The Entourage movie's gonna happen!
- plot of Entourage movie
Before I die, I'd like to win at least one posthumous award.
My doctor says I'm not getting enough frosting.
It's a fucking pumpkin, just pick one.
I'd rather receive a lethal injection in my ass than try on a shirt.
The most shocking moment in "League of Denial" was when I realized I was watching PBS.
The Tesla Model S is the most incredible car I've ever picked my nose in.
If I had a black wool cap and turtleneck, there's no building I couldn't break into.
I'd like to see a sitcom pilot where the newly divorced person can't wait to hit the bar scene, but their best friend says it's too soon.
With Yellowstone Park closed to public, I hear Ol' Faithful's really fucking around.
The hero who says they just did what any person would have done has never met me.
The great thing about Extra and Access Hollywood airing back to back is that whatever one show covers, the other one also covers.
I know you're an Access Hollywood reporter, but what did you want to be?
Hey TV characters, talking super fast doesn't make me think your life is hectic. It just makes you impossible to understand.
If Thin Lizzy knew there was going to be a jailbreak, they had an obligation to report it.
Biggest lie told to women over 60: "You look amazing in that tennis skirt."
"According to reliable sources, Jackie Kennedy pulled a gun from her hat and shot her husband." - if CNN covered JFK assassination.
I thought JFK Jr. saluting his father's casket was the saddest moment on television until this production number.
I'm pretty sure the last thing I'd say to somebody with a gun to my head is "You'll never get away with this."
I wonder how people who are tired of working in the jade business describe their attitude.
My life has never been turned upside down.
It's a sad day for every little leaguer when you realize yelling "Jinx!" has no impact on an opposing batter's performance.
There's nothing sluttier than two thirteen-year-old girls at a carnival.
I wish I could be a moderator 24 hours a day, but I've got to learn moderation.
It's network TV premiere week so get ready to see lots of dancing actors on the bottom third of your screen!
What's the point of being pessimistic when we're all just going to die?
Any detective who is asked to double-check their theory on a case should do so with great resolve.
WRITING TIP: To show person having bad day, have their coffee cup come out of machine upside down, then machine tip over and and crush them.
Most dangerous part of Diana Nyad's swim from Cuba to Florida was doing it less than an hour after eating.
Carnys don't seem to like the question "So did you always know you wanted to be a carny?"
Just went to carnival in Malibu. Huge line for fried botox.
The most tension-filled, frightening musical score ever is the one in my head when I attempt to light a gas pilot.
Hey hey hey (tweet of the summer)
Had a fight with my wife then drove home together in an electric car. Talk about your quiet rides...
America hasn't crowned a new greatest singer in weeks! What if we're attacked?!
"So there WAS a cure for the summertime blues, and you withheld it from the public??!!" - dialogue from my rock and roll medical thriller
If you're not Fred Astaire or Slash, you look like an asshole in that top hat.
Every morning I look in the mirror and ask, "Are YOU still here?"
APOLOGY: Robin Thicke did NOT steal Blurred Lines from Isley Brothers, as I originally accused. He stole it from Marvin Gaye.
If I could kill one person in history, it would be that guy who yells "ONLY ON BRAVO!"
So tired of everyone talking on and on and on about drones.
TO MOMS OF CHILDREN TAKING GYMNASTICS, ICE SKATING, OR HORSEBACK RIDING LESSONS: Your kid's never going to be in the Olympics.
Really, Elysium? The most popular saying of 2154 will be "That's what I"m talkin' about"?
If I had sex with Albert Einstein, I would be in genius.
"Talentless, Deluded, Alcoholic Fame Whores" - original title of "Real Housewives"
"Don't worry, this reality TV shit will be gone in a year." - me to room of TV writers in 2005
Sly Stone just showed up for a gig that was supposed to start in 1972.
If your charity fundraiser invitation contains the word "masquerade" my money is going to another disease.
BRAIN TEASER: My wife is playing a zombie-killing video game and I'm folding laundry, but only one of is gay. Can you guess who?
I'm on three medications that are supposed to cause suicidal thoughts, but they're not working.
Mental health background checks should be required at gun shows and bridal shows.
BREAKING NOOSE: Hanging fails due to defective rope.
My 2 year old grandson gets so upset when I tell him how fucking wrong he is for liking the "Cars" movies.
I like my jokes the way I like my medicated creams: topical.
Don't the dream police have something better to do than live inside of my head?
Foo Fighters "The Pretender" just pushed Jackson Browne's "The Pretender" into the lockers.
Just finished my first book! Now I'm thinking of writing one.
If the world ends on a Friday, USA Today readers won't know until Monday.
MAN: Honey, that oven's not gonna clean itself. WIFE: Oh yeah? (WINKS TO CAMERA) MAN: Whaaa?! - likely pitch for 1st self-cleaning oven ad.
"IT'S THE WOLVERINE MOVIE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!" The last one?
Just remembering middle school dances and all the girls that slowly walked away from me during the instrumental break of "Whole Lotta Love."
Hey, guys who like to go on hikes: Do you REALLY need that giant walking stick? I didn't think so.
Can't believe how important it was for Costello to know the name of the first baseman.
AD AGENCY: "We'd like to use one of your classic songs to sell--" THE WHO: "Deal!!!"
If TV is right, the world is filled with women named Charlie and Max.
If your commercial has a talking animal and I'm not laughing, you really fucked up.
In the 30 second commercial I just saw for "Virtually Pain Free Catheters" the word "virtually" was said 37 times.
WRITING TIP: If you want the audience to know your character longs for the way things used to be, have him wear a bow tie.
Part of doc about my favorite band, NRBQ. Always makes me smile. Rocket in My Pocket 2003 3: via VIDEO
Just once before I die, I wish somebody would cross the street when they see me coming.
Whenever one TV character asks another "What's so funny?", I'm always disappointed with the answer.
Don't want to see your gross feet out your car window in winter, fall, or spring. Why do you think summer's different?
"Two for The Lone Ranger" - Disney receiving nationwide ticket sales info.
Today we honor America's founding fathers for declaring our independence from high mattress prices.
My favorite new actor is the guy in that commercial who puts a cotton swab in his ear and screams "OWW!!!!"
Hey movie audiences, let's try shutting the fuck up.