RT What idiot stocked the unsalted butter right next to the real butter? Unsalted butter should be over by the furniture polish
Q. What's the difference between a new spouse and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. - Rodney Dangerfield
Would I lie to you? ... Again, I mean?
RT A big shout-in to all the agoraphobics!
Kennedy Space Center 10 oz Coffee Cup Mug Metal Emblem
RT "Booyah!" — agreeable ghosts
Tourist: "Is it true carrying a torch will keep lions away?" Guide: "It depends. How fast can you carry it?"
If all is not lost... then where the heck is it?
RT I never realised how much my hands would suffer from playing a caustic guitar.
Rare Vintage Wire Calf Muzzle Primitive
RT If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: Britain Inches Grudgingly Toward Metric System - Reuters
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
RT Most people hate Telemarketers but sometimes it's just nice 2 talk 2 someone & steer the conversation towards my love of Smurfs
Disney Pixar Cars 10 oz Christmas Mug Cup Lightning McQueen Mater Doc Hudson
RT Whenever I see a hitchhiker, I think they're giving me the "thumbs up" for being too smart to pick up an obvious murderer.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.
I was gonna try and start living my life on the edge but when i got there I tripped and fell off
RT The 1st jigsaw puzzle was invented by a lady who tore up a picture of herself with an ex then tried to tape it back together
Tin Man Wizard of Oz 8 oz Lidded Coffee Cup Mug
RT I can only "dance like no one is watching" to the music of Stevie Wonder.
I have psychic powers. I knew you would read this.
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from. - Mae West
Don't speak to me until I've had my morning coffee. Actually, don't speak to me after wards either.
RT Work through lunch? I don't even work through work.
Vintage Pink Depression Glass Dish Bowl Basket With Metal Holder
RT I'm a terrible psychic - I don't know about you
It's weird how in scary movies people always yell "Hello?" Like the bad guy is gonna say " I'm in the kitchen! Want a coffee?"
Just got a new cleverly designed dog poop picker-upper... aka shoes.
RT In spite of my narcissism, I actually helped someone else with a serious personal problem--YAY! High-fives for me!
All that glitters is not gold. A good example of this is glitter.
Do painters prefer to hang around in sketchy neighbourhoods?
Rare Bee Gees DVD A Message To You
RT I was feeling bold but then I lost my b.
We were making out on the couch. She said "Let's take this upstairs" So I said "Ok you grab one end and I'll grab the other"
How can they be a jury of my peers when they've never killed anyone? - selah
Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
RT I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Love ur pet? A healthy nutritious new dog food by is made w REAL turkey & venison.
Women should be obscene and not heard. - Groucho Marx
I was recently in Latin America, I regret was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Dan Quayle
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. - George Burns
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. - Mark Twain
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? - George Carlin
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for. - Mae West
It's a very good question, very direct, and I'm not going to answer it. - George Bush
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield
Attn Dog Owners! Try NEW from ! Healthy nutrient dense. Made w/ real turkey & venison.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. - Mae West
The future will be better tomorrow. - Dan Quayle
All right, then, I'll go to hell. - Mark Twain
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney Dangerfield
The French have no word for Entrepeneur - George Bush
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright
1. You're proud of your lawn mower.
2. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. Your back goes out more often than you do.
5. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
6. You have rare Junior's moments - johngalvin67
Hey Dog Owners! Try NEW from ! Healthy nutrient dense. Made w/ real turkey & venison.
John Wing - Break Up Song - VIDEO
Adorable Golden Retriever with Santa Hats Pocketbook Wallet Clutch Purse
RT I love this "dress in layers weather," because only the top layer has to be presentable.
1 out of every 4 people suffer from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --- if they're okay, then it's you.
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. - Mae West
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.
RT Such a sense of excitement each morning as the first home pulls into the Home Depot.
Halloween Coffee Cup with Skeleton Pumpkin and Spider Webs
RT "I am at your disposal." — sinks
Rolling over in the bed is my all time favorite low impact exercise.
When you're in deep water it's wise to keep your mouth shut.
RT @PaulyMortadella My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.
Auction ending today! Collector Spoon USA California Anaheim Disneyland Souvenir
RT I thought about putting a bishop on the stereo, or a pawn in the fridge, but decided to go for a knight in front of the tv
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.... and conversely accidents in the back seat cause kids.
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: Astronomers Say Comet Should Be Visible To The Naked Idaho - Los Angeles Examiner
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A. 45 lbs. Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? A. 45 minutes.
RT There should be an award to anyone who uses an entire tube of Chapstick without losing it.
Jamaican Hand Carved Wooden Bird Figurine
RT When does Mario get any time to do some actual plumbing?
Women are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
What idiot designed THIS?
RT I try to avoid anything that makes me fat. Scales and mirrors, for example.
Saskatchewan Roughriders 1989 CFL Grey Cup Champions 8 oz Coffee Cup
RT Nature abhors a vacuum, which is why my floors are a mess.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.