Doing two shows tonight, two tomorrow and one Sunday at the awesome in Edmonton, AB Canada. Tickets:
Headlining the in Edmonton AB Canada this Wed thru Sunday Mar 5-9. For tickets:
Bumper sticker: "War is never the answer" That is, unless the question is "What is good for absolutely nuthin? Good God ya'll. Say it again"
Excited to have stopping by during todays show.
Ironically upon being freed from bondage when asked who his hero was, Solomon Northup said "161 years from now Matthew McConaughey"
Why is Ellen Degeneres dressed as Haley Joel Osment dressed as Paul Revere?
Guys take it easy on Jared Leto. He looks that way because he's currently filming "Son Of God Of Anarchy"
Because Barkhad Abdi is nominated, The pirates in Somalia will all be huddled around watching the on your television.
Yes Russia's jeopardized civilization's future but the academy is sure there'll be a 2071 Best Picture winner
fun fact: The original working title for Gravity was "Fictitious Apollo 13 *Now With 70% Less Physics"
B/c Jonah Hill now has more noms than Robert Redford producers are casting him in the "All Is Lost" sequel, “Boat Sinks Immediately”
Chiwetel Ejiofor & the other nominees will be stuck in the Dolby Theater longer than Solomon Northup was enslaved
And tonight's award for Least Animated Feature will once again go to Stephen Hawking's eyebrows.
I'm psyched for the premier of season 2 on tonight, or as I like to call it, Scandinavian Sons Of Anarchy.
Back on tonight - 3am E / Midnight P.
In antiquated news: they're naming a postage stamp after Steve Jobs, meaning we're a step closer to naming a car phone after Mark Zuckerberg
The airport just paged "Mr Jojeffo Hoffenstein." He must have gotten separated from the other members of the Lithuanian Trapeze Gypsy Circus
I missed the Creation v Evolution debate. But I am able to watch it online thanks to _____.
London mayor compares George Clooney to Hitler. I don’t know about all that, but they both fucked A LOT of gypsies.
London mayor compares George Clooney to Hitler. I don’t know about all that, but they were the two worst choices to play Batman.
The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg. There were no survivors.
Back on Opie & Anthony in a couple minutes.
Fuckin' Shirley Temple Black's heroin dealer has got to be sweating bullets
Doing the 10pm show tonight & will be back on the tomorrow morning.
The new crack pipe vending machines in Canada spell trouble, cause the last thing Rob Ford needs is another reason to love vending machines
Attn companies: If every time I call you're "experiencing higher than normal call volume" I propose that you don't know what "normal" means.
I understand that my flight is delayed, but that's no reason to call me a retard. And by the way...…
My good pal 's 3rd book LOVES ME..NOT is out-Read somethin w/ more than 140 characters for once will ya
Commercials that don't make an attempt to be funny can go fuck themselves. Also commercials that try to be funny are the worst.
My buddy and Don Rickles from the movie Casino.
first the reads the Declaration referencing the overthrow of tyrannical monarchs then subjects us to Queen Latifah
is the #1 day for human trafficking. If you're attending, be wary of anyone in the parking lot who offers you a tall boy
Sunday prediction: Twice the alcoholism of St Patrick's Day and three times the domestic violence of Columbus Day!
Headlining thru Sun in Anchorage Alaska where it's 10 degrees warmer all week than it is in NYC
Back on RedEye on FoxNews tonight at 10pm E. then off to headline in Anchorage AK Jan 21-26.
I'm confused. Ur twitter picture suggest that you're an attractive young lady, but ur name implies that you're an Amish Elder
Today kinda sucked. Thank God I get to spend my night making fun of .
Will be on SiriusXM channel 99, 2pm today & tonight performing Center in Bethlehem PA 8pm.
can I get ur collection of weird scarves & feathered cowboy hats when you're executed? Laundromat lost my 3 Musketeers costume
In 2014 brain injury will remain the #1 cause of death among retired NFL players. Whereas for retired NBA players I'm guessing firing squad.
Kim Jong Un expressed confidently his N Korean team is going to be victorious this Wed over NBA Westerners because the score will be 526 - 1
Hey Minneapolis, I'm performing tonight thru sun. For tickets:
Hey did the cadillac from Dead Presidents bring u anything?
A Christmas favorite, Frosty The Radioactive Blow Up Doll
if you do the 2am, chance I could get there before the early bird breakfast special.
by scheduling my spot at 1am I thought I might catch you during one of the 3 or 4 times a night you inevitably get up to pee
Now on I will disclaim: Seniors, Folks recovering from surgery & please ignore the following announcement.
I'm on the "asleep in my bed already for 90 minutes show," at same time. But don't worry. Our audience is diff.
on the midnight show tonight
What people have to understand is that the Duck Dynasty fellas come from a different time, and that time is rural Louisiana.
somebody light so this twitter exchange wraps up in and hour or two.
2? That's not a lot, unless we're talking about 's facial expressions
Jermaine I love your work on that MTV show playing Jordan Carlos's son
why does Jesse dress like the oldest son on Home Improvement.
Jesse looks like a dirt bike is his main mode of transportation
Jesse looks like Harrison Ford's son that he doesn't care about.
Jesse looks like he teaches gym because he fucked up his baseball career.
This reads like The Friars Club Roast of Mediocrity.
Kim Jong Un stated the uncle he executed was: "worse than a dog." then added "worse than a dog even when you marinate it in hoisin sauce."
Kim Jong Un executed his uncle. You have to admire the lengths he will go to not participate in the family Secret Santa gift exchange.
Kim Jong Un just killed his uncle. A lot of North Koreans would probably recognize the Hamlet parallel if he ever allowed them to read.
my set from The Roast of from The Dark Comedy Festival in Toronto a few weeks back: VIDEO
Next Week In History: The Kennedy Assassination. New theory behind Lee Harvey Oswald's motive. VIDEO
too soon ? If u guys ever make a car that runs on icebergs you'll hear from me again w/ another antiquated transport disaster joke.
Not funny. Fuel Cells are as safe or even safer than cars on the road today. ^rl
Hyundai is coming out with a car that runs on hydrogen. "Hydrogen power! What a terrific idea." - The designers of The Hindenberg
Next Week In History: 1932 FBI Crime Lab opens -Hoover collects fingerprints for analysis & sperm samples for fun VIDEO
Next Week In History: This week the internet was invented: starring VIDEO
Make sure you go and check out 's new comedian photo exhibit Club opening this wed
Full house awaiting at Toronto. Fresh from this weeks episode.
. had 6 of my top 10 favourite lines at the . Would've been more if I could write faster:
My roast best. I love the
Next Week in History features Teddy Roosevelt, chloroform, Robin Hood, war criminals, Hitler & Walt Disney VIDEO
Toronto tonight & tomorrow I'm headlining 8:30. Tomorrow night also on The Roast of at The Royal Theater 9:30
In the studio with ! Listen at !
yeah, it was last night. But I'm back on again Nov 22. Thanks for watchin!
Back on RedEye on FoxNews tonight 3a E/ midnight P.
I'm at Absolute Comedy Toronto Nov 6-10, & at the Dark Comedy Fest Nov 5 & 7 where I'll be roasting The Iron Sheik.
If your halloween costume is a current pop culture reference, know that you're just like every dipshit in '93 who dressed as Joey Butaffuco.
FL man wins multi mil lotto 2nd time. UR 4x more likely to be struck by lightning than win 1x. FL has most annual lightning deaths.
Next Week In History: Magic Johnson has been living with AIDS for almost 400 years. VIDEO
New 2 iTunes, & chat in Ottawa w/ Writer 4 Oscars & Roasts.
Malls With Gun Ranges Magazine calls it "among the best" so I'll be there
Next Week In History:1775-British proclamation claims no citizen or Affleck film character is allowed to leave Boston VIDEO
Hey Ottawa, I'm at Absolute Comedy tonight through Sunday. For tickets go here:
This week's Next Week in History. Thomas Edison was a shitty dad. VIDEO
My pal of Keith and The Girl just released his new comedy cd. Check it out on iTunes here:
Do you know why the people of India don't celebrate Columbus Day today? Because Christopher Columbus was a navigational dipshit.
Next Week In History: Mata Hari is 95 yrs ago Miley Cyrus & Christopher Columbus misses India by 8,917 miles: VIDEO
Jesse Joyce at Goodnight's this week. Tix - .
back on tonight at 11pm E and doing three shows at 8, 10 and 11:45. &
I'll be ringing in Friday morning on the midnight show tonight
Happy Hump Day! We're celebrating with & more on stage tonight! How about you?
Its a sad day for Tom Clancy fans & a day of vindication for aging renegade Azerbaijanian Seperatist submarine commanders
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
check out my webseries Next Week in History for stuff that happened a long time ago next week: VIDEO
On the next episode of Low Winter Sun bald guy resigns from being some sort of aggressive cop and begins cooking meth in a van w/ local punk
Haven't had a chance to read this article yet you guys, but I think Queen Latifah is gonna show us her…
On the show at midnight tonight.