u look like the Wright Brothers and the Tsarnaev Brothers got together to fly an old timey plane into a Boston crowd
- apparently you have not stared into the majesty of my mustache.
here you go 👨*
* this image has been approved
"I just want to make fun of people with mustaches." - an exasperated
If you're in LA, tonite I'm performing at on the Henry Phillips & Friends show. For tickets:
This sat. on : I will be on the Comedy Underground starring w/ and plus .
The national bird of Somalia is a pirate in a Kansas City Royals jersey loading a musket while sailing a septic tank into a cruise ship.
The national bird of Japan is a self-conscious businessman reading octopus pornography while eating pink gelatin served by a robotic bear.
Fun Fact: The national bird of France is a postcard of a smug poet on a bicycle chain smoking bread sticks in the rain.
Fun Fact: The national bird of Russia is a shirtless commandant not getting a joke told by a fat woman with one tooth beating dust off a cat
The national bird of Germany is a goth rocket scientist alphabetizing the magazines on his coffee table before defecating on it.
The national bird of Brazil is a sequined g-string stuffed with sweaty peacock feathers tucked in the backseat of a Toyota with no wheels
The national bird of India is a dancing amputee reading a medical journal on the roof of a train while drinking a glass of thick brown water
Fun Fact: The national bird of El Salvador is a severed head in the driveway of a judge’s house.
The national bird of Spain is an olive farmer in a bedazzled cape and a mustache that smells like your wife's vagina taking a nap at a café
Fun Fact: The national bird of Iran is an irate cleric burning a suitcase filled with teddy bears, yelling at a girl reading a book.
The national bird of England is two dock workers planning a jewel heist while watching a soccer game in a pub that serves grey sandwiches.
FunFact The national bird of Australia is a disoriented alcoholic kayak instructor using his bare hands to perform an abortion on a platypus
The national bird of Canada is an apathetic but morally superior jr hockey coach apologizing to a bear for spilling gravy on his Rush tshirt
Fun Fact: The national bird of Romania is a fortuneteller in a track suit putting cologne on a baby she found on a hillside.
Fun Fact: The National Bird of Argentina is a circumspect 92 year old gaucho burying a cedar trunk filled with 3rd Reich Medals.
Fun Fact: The National Bird of Serbia is a guy in a camo jacket and Dr Seuss hat DJ'ing a "wet sweatshirt" contest.
Fun Fact: The National Bird of Italy is a guy with no pants and an erection on a Vespa stopping to ask a married couple for directions.
Fun fact: Belgium's national bird is a guy who thinks he's better than you crashing a Fiat full of soccer balls into a cow on a public road
Funny sketch I did with I'm telling u it's funny!! Please RT! VIDEO
Just watched my pal 's hilarious new special on Netflix. You really should check it out. Do it..do it.
back on tonight at 3a E / Midnight P. Appropriate that they run 's show in the wee hours of the morning.
at midnight don't miss Dave ’s new special immediately followed by the new series on
Watch the premier of Comedy Underground with tonight on - I wrote for the series & am on it May 31.
Taking Hardwick's lunch money as the " Bully" on yesterday's on
Lakota Souix Got Massacred
Something’s Gotta Give – A film about the structural integrity of buildings in Mumbai
Brutus The Failure Beefcake (from the Iron Sheik Roast) VIDEO
Brutus The Discreet Craigslist Cock-Taster Beefcake (from the Iron Sheik Roast) VIDEO
Brutus The Cocaine Addicted Toll Booth Collector Beefcake (from the Iron Sheik Roast) VIDEO
Bret James Gandolfini's Heart
Gorgeous George Zimmerman
Fantasia Airlines Flight 370
2Nite @ 8p w/ , , , , ! Tix still avail
Charlie and the Diabetes Factory.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Other Larva with Eating Disorders.
Goldilocks and Harvey Fierstein and The Two Other Bears.
Charlie and The iPhone Factory
Wed night! and perform live .
Bumper sticker: "War is never the answer" That is, unless the question is "What is good for absolutely nuthin? Good God ya'll. Say it again"
Excited to have stopping by during todays show.
Ironically upon being freed from bondage when asked who his hero was, Solomon Northup said "161 years from now Matthew McConaughey"
Why is Ellen Degeneres dressed as Haley Joel Osment dressed as Paul Revere?
Guys take it easy on Jared Leto. He looks that way because he's currently filming "Son Of God Of Anarchy"
Because Barkhad Abdi is nominated, The pirates in Somalia will all be huddled around watching the on your television.
Yes Russia's jeopardized civilization's future but the academy is sure there'll be a 2071 Best Picture winner
fun fact: The original working title for Gravity was "Fictitious Apollo 13 *Now With 70% Less Physics"
B/c Jonah Hill now has more noms than Robert Redford producers are casting him in the "All Is Lost" sequel, “Boat Sinks Immediately”
Chiwetel Ejiofor & the other nominees will be stuck in the Dolby Theater longer than Solomon Northup was enslaved
And tonight's award for Least Animated Feature will once again go to Stephen Hawking's eyebrows.
I'm psyched for the premier of season 2 on tonight, or as I like to call it, Scandinavian Sons Of Anarchy.
Back on tonight - 3am E / Midnight P.
In antiquated news: they're naming a postage stamp after Steve Jobs, meaning we're a step closer to naming a car phone after Mark Zuckerberg
The airport just paged "Mr Jojeffo Hoffenstein." He must have gotten separated from the other members of the Lithuanian Trapeze Gypsy Circus
I missed the Creation v Evolution debate. But I am able to watch it online thanks to _____.
London mayor compares George Clooney to Hitler. I don’t know about all that, but they both fucked A LOT of gypsies.
London mayor compares George Clooney to Hitler. I don’t know about all that, but they were the two worst choices to play Batman.
The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg. There were no survivors.
Back on Opie & Anthony in a couple minutes.
Fuckin' Shirley Temple Black's heroin dealer has got to be sweating bullets
Doing the 10pm show tonight & will be back on the tomorrow morning.
The new crack pipe vending machines in Canada spell trouble, cause the last thing Rob Ford needs is another reason to love vending machines
Attn companies: If every time I call you're "experiencing higher than normal call volume" I propose that you don't know what "normal" means.
I understand that my flight is delayed, but that's no reason to call me a retard. And by the way...…
My good pal 's 3rd book LOVES ME..NOT is out-Read somethin w/ more than 140 characters for once will ya
Commercials that don't make an attempt to be funny can go fuck themselves. Also commercials that try to be funny are the worst.
My buddy and Don Rickles from the movie Casino.
first the reads the Declaration referencing the overthrow of tyrannical monarchs then subjects us to Queen Latifah
is the #1 day for human trafficking. If you're attending, be wary of anyone in the parking lot who offers you a tall boy
Sunday prediction: Twice the alcoholism of St Patrick's Day and three times the domestic violence of Columbus Day!
Headlining thru Sun in Anchorage Alaska where it's 10 degrees warmer all week than it is in NYC
Back on RedEye on FoxNews tonight at 10pm E. then off to headline in Anchorage AK Jan 21-26.
I'm confused. Ur twitter picture suggest that you're an attractive young lady, but ur name implies that you're an Amish Elder
Today kinda sucked. Thank God I get to spend my night making fun of .
Will be on SiriusXM channel 99, 2pm today & tonight performing Center in Bethlehem PA 8pm.
can I get ur collection of weird scarves & feathered cowboy hats when you're executed? Laundromat lost my 3 Musketeers costume
In 2014 brain injury will remain the #1 cause of death among retired NFL players. Whereas for retired NBA players I'm guessing firing squad.
Kim Jong Un expressed confidently his N Korean team is going to be victorious this Wed over NBA Westerners because the score will be 526 - 1
Hey Minneapolis, I'm performing tonight thru sun. For tickets:
Hey did the cadillac from Dead Presidents bring u anything?
A Christmas favorite, Frosty The Radioactive Blow Up Doll
if you do the 2am, chance I could get there before the early bird breakfast special.
by scheduling my spot at 1am I thought I might catch you during one of the 3 or 4 times a night you inevitably get up to pee
Now on I will disclaim: Seniors, Folks recovering from surgery & please ignore the following announcement.
I'm on the "asleep in my bed already for 90 minutes show," at same time. But don't worry. Our audience is diff.
on the midnight show tonight
What people have to understand is that the Duck Dynasty fellas come from a different time, and that time is rural Louisiana.
somebody light so this twitter exchange wraps up in and hour or two.
2? That's not a lot, unless we're talking about 's facial expressions
Jermaine I love your work on that MTV show playing Jordan Carlos's son
why does Jesse dress like the oldest son on Home Improvement.
Jesse looks like a dirt bike is his main mode of transportation