Hasselhoff in today Hoffin' it up
congrats Cherry Chevapantpshxodnalkabsunk
Congrats to the crew of "American Dad!" for being the most watched show on cable for the night w/ its season premiere on TBS!
You're right, moral arbiters. We shouldn't comment on the looks of someone on a red carpet who is literally posing for photographers.
There are only two syllables in "Hello," office workers. Doesn't have to be a whole production.
How did great TV shows ever get made without the input of the internet?
If you put a knife to my throat I could not tell you what "Pinterest" is.
The new season of American Dad premieres tonight on TBS!
"Unfollowed." Yeah, nobody cares.
I hope someone has a pair of jeans tattooed onto their legs. I hope there's a person on this planet who's fucked up their life in that way.
I don't care for Carl's Jr.'s new slogan "Eat this right now, you goddamn spineless piece of shit."
Every group of friends needs the person willing to break the post-movie silence with a "Whadja think?" That person's a loser, but necessary.
I think the only reason I wanted to be an astronaut in the 1960's was because there are no bees in space.
That's enough with the Marilyn Monroe, people.
Climate change is currently a far greater threat to us than Ebola. Let's be productive and shit our pants about that instead. Go on. Shit.
Will be interesting to see if Michigan joins Arizona, Texas, and Virginia in the criminally transparent practice of banning Teslas.
Whatever people who own bird stores are hoping will happen is probably not going to happen.
Yes mixologist, I'd much rather wait an extra ten minutes to get drunk while I watch you pretend this is Benihana.
"Pears: We're either way too hard or completely rotten. Brought to you by pears, the fuck you fruit."
The only thing that can stop Ebola is a black and white video of celebrities looking at the camera and solemnly saying "Stop Ebola".
RT : Super important question: where do you stand on the use of the Oxford Comma? // Staunchly pro.
"This is the message that will eventually reach an estimated 200 billion stars."
John Slattery was brilliant as usual today in
"Some Day-quil, captain?"
Congratulations to my uber-talented pal on hosting the Oscars! They could not have made a better choice, except Mickey Rourke.
Thank you, head & chest cold. I sound like Kate Mulgrew.
Buzzfeed is the Florida of the internet.
[American Voices] Flight Attendants Sue FAA To Reinstate Cell Phone Ban ?
Occasionally the fluff media gets it right. Let science do science, and stay out of its way.
Hey Texas, stop beating around the bush and say what you really mean: All voters should be required to name the entire cast of "Friends."
Gays should be exempt from Ebola since we got stuck with the other thing.
RT : For the record, : My husband and I have now watched 6 times. // It strengthens marital bonds.
Amazon is opening its first physical store. It's everything you love about their website, without all the annoying convenience.
Thanks to the awesome for a great day of filming on Ted 2!
My Dad would come home from work and no matter how tired he was he’d take me to the park and hit balls to me for an hour. He loved golf.
The Nina, Pinta & Santa Maria were, by far, the most tastefully-named boats ever owned by an Italian guy in his 40s.
wow its crazy its like ur family is the best people and everyone else garbage wow
Saw the Sikh Meg Griffin at Heathrow Airport.
there must always be a stark in old stump
RT: please tell me the slip during the glass bottle shooting scene was a happy accident /Fakery.
I scrolled past "Malala Wins Nobel Peace Prize" to click on "Horse Walks Into Police Station". I'm Damien Fahey and I'm part of the problem.
I wish I had even half the balls of a crow standing in the road.
RT : Why did Peter have to explain a Joe pesci joke, but not a love boat reference? // Everyone knows The Boat.
Just gonna keep blindly submitting "Well, I did it again, Martha" to the New Yorker caption contest until it makes sense and I win.
Food trucks: Because the problem with most grilled cheese sandwiches is you don't spend 20 minutes breathing exhaust.
I have reached the degree of exhaustion where I pray for the elevator to stall so I can curl up and take a nap.
The Internet is now a '70's movie theater in a bad neighborhood where people shout angry insults in the dark while watching porn.
I wonder if this means "Dads" is coming back.
Hey, Boeing, what's with the TV commercial?... How many of us do you think are in the market for a 787?
Congress Waiting Until After Midterms To Address Nationwide Plague Of Hornets
Jan Hooks still stands out as one of the funniest cast members in SNL history. Very sorry to read about her passing.
The song "Anything You Can Do" wouldn't work with me, because I'd just agree with the other person. "You're right, I suck."
I've consumed a swimming pool of soy sauce in my life and I still don't really know what it is.
Well this is a fucking relief. VIDEO
Mr. Rogers sang a song "u can never go down the drain" u must have missed that episode. Helped me a lot.
Yosemite Sam would use the N-word.
It's amazing I made it out of childhood given that I was once afraid to go in the pool because I thought the drain would get me.
I wonder if there's a bird so sexy that I would go, "Wow, that's a sexy bird!" Hopefully I'll never find out.
There's no way to eat a fig without looking like an asshole.
Run up to a stranger on the street and frantically ask what the date is. When they tell you, say "No, the YEAR, dammit, the YEAR!"
RT : seth don't drink and horse lol. Such a great movie // Miiiight have been some actual whiskey here
The bf left this for me this morning. This is romance.
To help him with the new sound he's been looking for, Chris Martin's cousin calls him and holds the phone up to the previous Coldplay album.
Real cats must love Halloween because they have like ten times as many slutty cats to choose from.
Check out my friend John Wilson's new album "Cole Porter in Hollywood" available on iTunes and Amazon!
I live in such a hipster neighborhood that I get pissed when there's a line at the blacksmith.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don't question it.
This Week's Top Story: Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing
Gosh internet, you look mad. Is everything okay?
FUN TRICK OR TREAT COSTUME IDEA FOR TEXANS: A person with a cough, and then an hour later, a panicked doctor in a hazmat suit.
The first guy ever to say "Jiminy Christmas" must have caused quite a stir.
I can't imagine Walter Cronkite asking us to "read my tweets", but yeah, sure, I'll pretend Anderson Cooper is a real reporter if you will.
While clothes shopping, I want an attractive woman to look at me as if to say "Ew. You're buying the wrong thing."
Just saw a flower that was ridiculous even by flower standards. So dumb. Grow some balls.
Ah the progressive educational programming I was raised on. They even got a Jewish guy at the end. VIDEO
Girl: I hate my asshole boyfriend.
Guy: Why don't you break up with him?
Girl: Fuck you. I love him.
Why is Quagmire promoting Scary Movie 5?
Really looking forward to a day when enabling awful reality show monsters isn't a "hilarious" guilty pleasure.
RT : // Why, it's everyone's favorite rascal, Wagmure!
Angry Birds lays off 16% of staff. Fearing reprisal, the CEO is tucked away in lower middle of the office building & very hard to get to.
Thanks to our fantastic Boston crew for busting your asses and doing stellar work on Ted 2!
WHOS DEAD/A GHOST ON HERE
Imagine a racist. White, weren't they? Looks like you're the racist now, you racist cracker.
TV cops just can't get a good cup of office coffee.
I bet it just kills the inventor of the "Coexist" sticker that a swastika would make the perfect X.
Relationships are now just one person telling the other person to get off their phone.
"Oh, uhhhh-- you misheard me. I said I'm against wax beans." --the anti-vaccine kooks when the Ebola vaccine becomes available
Man Having A Great Time Will Soon Have To Apologize To Everyone
RT: Will 70yo Seth MacFarlane still be tweeting? // Only if Emperor Glorp allows it. I will want to please Glorp.
Another day trapped in the Phantom Zone… What do you guys wanna do? Feel like slapping on the glass and silently screaming into space again?
The news is 90% hoaxes and 10% telling us which news story is a hoax.
Ohhh, you're A BOWLER. You scared the shit outta me, man-with-a-Boston-accent.
RT : Top 10 Must-Watch TV Shows This Fall // Number 8. Take note, networks.
Wow, 6 million followers... I guess now there's no sneaking outta this Twitter thing.
It's finally here! You can get my Xmas album now on :
"Well actually Katniss, we don't want to label anyone a 'winner' or a 'loser.' Now, everyone line up for your participation trophies."
R.I.P. the phrase "I don't have an opinion on it."
Born 1550 - Died 2014
Hey everyone-- thanks for making the Family Guy/Simpsons crossover the top-rated show of the night!