If you can smell propane pretty hardcore in your trailer the first night it's hooked up, can die in your sleep from it? Asking for a friend.
Everything is bigger in Texas (except maybe dicks, but I have no personal experience to go on)
The great Leaning Tower of Texas
The only thing interesting in Oklahoma is the crap they sell at truck stops
My dad thinks we should watch "Brides With Knives" for our last night together as a family
Very thankful for all the gas and itunes gift cards I got for late birthday/early Christmas on Thanksgiving Day.
"That old High School boyfriend of yours is still in prison ain't he?" Yes. "Good, I hated that prick."
Going thru my old toys at mom's house. Seems as though my love for boys and diversity started early on
View from my motel bathroom window
I chose this motel partly because the Indian owner had this picture of his family on the wall.
Hello Ritalin my old friend... #2,000milestogo
Eating dinner alone at a Hawaiian themed burrito place in Amish country.
Trying to do my morning dance to techno thingy in 's spare bedroom without him knowing or his neighbors below calling 2complaint
Few things make me happier than seeing a dog's upper lip caught on his lower tooth
Probably one of the weirder places I've set up my craft services table
Background actors in NYC spend more time in church basements that members of AA.
Was Really tempted to steal these from my gynecologist today
I'm gonna wear a different pair of jeans than I wear every single day.
Wanna hear something spooky? I'm getting a cavity filled AND a papsmear on Halloween.
Tonight at Under St Marks, 7pm. My last Adventures w/Melanie show. Stories from And free snacks!
Last night I really wanted to dance w/the bunny rabbit but the f'n monk wouldn't stop following me around & cock-blocking me
Twelve Years A Slave should be a required movie for all Americans. Then they should watch Gone with the Wind to compare, contrast and vomit.
This amazing girl is refusing to shut up and I love her for it.
Great tonight! Thanks to and !
Tonight, 9:30 , I'm telling a story with & at 's last show, gonna miss him.
Thank god the bathrooms in Atlanta are color- coded by gender. The dresses alone always leave me guessing.
There's apparently one other narcoleptic in the town of New Paltz and he's FALLINGING ASLEEP AT THE TABLE NEXT TO ME RIGHT NOW.
I peed in the woods in Brooklyn for the first time and it was glorious.
even I wouldn't do that show! Too insecure about my body!
I'm glad I don't share the same birthday as . Almost as bad as sharing it with Jesus. But not quite.
Hey, I'm must be behind on world events. Did Harry do something crazy again today?
Hey, did anyone find out yet if Kate shit herself when she gave birth to that baby? We, the public, have the right to know EVERYTHING.
That Denzel Washington plane crash movie ruined air travel the same way JAWS ruined the ocean for me. Thanks again film industry!
Aw thanks! And That's not a problem, I travel all the time. And I live in one of the coolest cities in the world. You never know!
No, silly, I'm in NYC. My trailer is New Mexico waiting for me to come back to it.
Today's not all that hot but I'm running my AC anyways b/c my neighbor just got a new boyfriend& I can hear them having sex if I don't
Next time someone comes up w/a stupid $183million dollar movie pitch like RIPD, just ask me. I could have told you that shit would flop.
So "Dominant Whore" just messaged me on okcupid. Things are looking up finally
I can't get that image out of my head now!
Anyone else REALLY bothered by the fact Hamburger Helper only has three fingers?
If you wanna bring a little joy into your life, go down to your local pool and watch a bunch of old ladies do aqua aerobics.
I judge New Yorkers character by the size of their umbrellas. In this case, bigger is not actually better, you inconsiderate jerks
Last night I performed in a show w/ a woman in 6 inch heels who hammered nails up her nose and then swallowed a 16 inch sword.Luv this city!
My cab driver is currently on the phone confronting his girlfriend,Ebony about her cheating. Things are getting intense!
I'm telling a story tonight at Nights of Our Lives at the UCB in Chelsea. The theme is DADS! Great lineup too ,
The only thing more impressive that what Wendy Davis is doing right now is the fact she's doing it w/o using the bathroom.
If I still drank, I'd make a game out of having to take a shot everytime the sopranos guy is mentioned on facebook and twitter.
Tonight's show, Adventures w/Melanie Hamlett has , , and 7pm at Under St. Marks. Yay!
This guy is wearing speedos to get groceries.
I know everyone has falling nightmares but all of mine seem to take place inside my truck while IT'S falling. same thing though right?
I just caught myself using my metro card to pick a piece of food out of my teeth. I wasn't worried about this date until NOW.
Hot date w/a Brazilian man today. We're gonna dance/march in a dance parade w/20,000 people. My kind of date!
I'm thinking no to this okcupid guy, right?
I've been learning a lot from my friends who are parents.Apparently the only reason I was born was to keep my old sister from getting bored
are u kidding me? OF COURSE. Long overdue!
I love it when guys tell women to grow a pair. Is that reeeeeally what you want to see happen to us?
My dirty story about hooking up with a clown in Chile is the featured story on this UCB podcast thingy this week
RT : GENTRIFY FRIDAY 1030pm w/ , , JON TYLER, , JOSH SHARP + MORE
Hey what the hell are you thinking appointing the head of Monsanto to the FDA? Here's why this is scary.
A guy on okcupid is going to pay me $20/hr to install storm windows with him on Monday as our first date.Finally, this site is paying off!
Tonight! Adventures w/Melanie Hamlett at Under St. Marks, 7pm. Marina Franklin! Brooke Van Poppelin, David Crab!
UCB Chelsea TONIGHT! MIDNIGHT! FUNNY FUN SHOW!
Two new holes in the croth of my jeans. Maybe I gained weight but HOPEFULLY it's from wearing the these jeans every single day for 5 months
This guy just "chose" me on okcupid. All he wrote about himself was "I'm a lollipop salesmean ;-) "
I just got a message from a guy on okcupid that just asked a question. "You poop?" That is all. Should I date this guy or what?
My sis just edited my okcupid profile and changed "looking for someone who LIKES shitting in the woods" to "someone who doesn't mind..."
One thing I've learned fromspending a week w/my sister- motherhood is a lot of talking about the color and texture of shit
I wish I'd seen ur warning earlier! I'm covered in any bites! You really do know everything!
I just spent 20 mintues texting about shit that could have been cleared up in a two minute conversation on the phone. Welcome to the future
I'm sure everything will work out fine over in the late night TV world as long as they don't give one of those shows to a woman!
Super fun Adventures w/Melanie Hamlett show last night. Big thanks to my hilarious guests , ,
Adventures w/Melanie Hamlett is tonight! , Under St. Marks. Great stories from badasses , , and
It's Saturday night. Are you watching kittens giving massages too? VIDEO
My new show Adventures w/Melanie Hamlett is this Monday at Under St marks at 7 w/ kick ass lineup-
Yeah, just told me this pope guy said he'd rather shut down orphanages than let gay couples adopt.
don't know anything 'bout this pope but I know 2 things about Argentina 1)gay marriage is legal 2)they have a woman president.
My friend Kevin just sent me this picture. The worst name for a street EVER
Thanks for your bravery. Keep up the good fight.
This 'in like a lion' crap can suck a fat one. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I thought they're supposed to name storms after people. Who the hell names their kid ELMO or SATURN?
I just set a new record I'm both ashamed and proud of - my gross income for 2012 was $ 5,599 .And I live in NYC. Chew on that for awhile
I sure hope next time I remember to take that moiste twenty dollar bill out of my sports bra BEFORE I get to the cashier with my bananas.
just spent all morning online trying to find complete strangers to go dancing to techno w/cuz all my friends think its crap.
For every minute I spend on okcupid, I vow to donate $1 to an organization I despise.Or the Republican party.
One of these days I'm gonna learn that completely ignoring a cute dude next to me at the coffee shop is not a very effective way to flirt.
Gunshot outside our window last night. This is what we found this morning on our front lawn
my new favorite license plate
true that! ....though yesterday felt like I worked a little extra hard :-)
'tis true! Thank goodness for men like and and all the others who are doing the work too. Thank you!
Today was an exhausting day to be a feminist, am I right ladies?
I'd like to know why none of these jerks are thanking craft services..