Purchase tickets and contribute to this wonderful charity today. (Use promo code "HOPE" for discounted tix).
Come swill champagne with me & my pals & @rochellesaytes at the Saving Innocence Gala this Thursday 12/5.
Don't have enough Thanksgiving dysfunction in your own family. Share some of ours. Check out
My shaman is doper than your shaman.
Thrilled to be joining the cast of "The Columnist", running November 14-17th in LA. Grab tix at !
God knows why, but the have invited me to sully their venerable stage tomorrow night. 8pm. Grab tix online.
Radio Shack: Serving No One since 1988.
I knew Gravity was going to be intense... but nothing could have prepared me for ol' Sandy Bullock's booty shorts.
This will be a day for the history books. returns at 8pm... aaaand I had my first ever .
James Turrell blowing my mind at LACMA. Photo courtesy of .
An open letter to House Republicans: I want my country back. Thank you.
Sure, his life is a smoldering heap of shit... but at least Jesse Pinkman is the proud owner of a 1985 El Camino.
I spent my weekend watching Degrassi re-runs, hoping to learn from a young whether or not nothing is, in fact, the same.
Syria is gassing civilians, Miley Cyrus is considered a role model & global warming is real...on the upside, pumpkin spice lattes are back.
Nobody talks about Dr. King's OTHER dream. The one with the talking squirrel & the pancake buffet & the US women's gymastic team...
Bradley Manning: "Sometimes You Have to Pay a Heavy Price to Live in a Free Society"
By which I mean I have complicated business relationships, enjoy cooking & consider character growth both inevitable & perhaps dangerous.
My life is just like Breaking Bad... minus the meth, the sidekick, the murderous rampages, and even a basic understanding of chemistry...
When somebody says "long story short", find a comfortable seat. You're about to hear a very full-length story.
What this lounge lacks in clientele it makes up for in mystical allure.
I will always remember the summer of 2013 as the time I was introduced to every girl in America's lower butt crease. Thanks jorts!
How did I JUST see this??? These guys are -- Wanna Come to My DJ Night? - Portlandia on IFC: VIDEO
No, seriously. I'm on Whose Line Is It Anyway. Tonight. Consider yourself warned.
Just tweaking the last few bars of "Meet Me On That Beach in Mexico", the triumphant finale of my unauthorized Shawshank Redemption musical.
Check out a preview of L.A. Rangers, the new genre-bending comedy from , coming soon to
It's hard to imagine when you're 14, but that belieber4eva@gmail address might just work against you when you're trying to get a bank loan.
Some women will never outgrow the POV beach bikini selfie. Which is great if you like looking at the ocean down the barrel of a vagina gun.
There's a certain kind of facial hair that just screams LARPer.
Note to self: backlight fireworks make air-split freezeframes extra awesome.
I should really be allowed to retweet myself. I mean some of this stuff is gold, people. GOLD... (No? Fine. You'll miss me when I'm dead.)
I bet Gabana feels like a total Garfunkel.
My Co-exist bumpersticker lives next to my Yosemite Sam-pissing-on-everything mud-flaps, which pretty much sums up my complicated worldview.
When Anthony Weiner texts a girl "I am deeply flawed" and follows up with a dick-pic... the subtext is that, well, there is no subtext.
Oh baby. The L.A. Rangers teaser is LIVE. Which is another way of saying happiness is only a click away:
Imagine how much moisturizer lives at the bottom of Mario Lopez's dimples, those unknowable reservoirs of eternal youth...
And seriously: go see "Fruitvale Station."
Juror B37: "I think all of us thought race did not play a role. We never had that discussion." Wow. That explains a lot.
Stupid Hype was just the beginning... L.A. Rangers. This Fall. .
Keanu Reeves is my spirit animal.
I'm making a film called "Twitter: The Movie". It's tough to cast. There are 140 characters.
I kindly told my waitress "Hurry up with my damn croissant." She kindly told me to fuck off. Sucks not to be Kanye West.
Can we please just be adults about this? But first pass me my Handi-snacks & Capri Sun and tell Timmy he's a fartlicker, no backsies.
The Mazda Miata: When a skateboard is simply too much vehicle.
I want to tickle Michael Shannon, just to see what happens.
In the 99 cent store of life, there's always some dude charging 98 cents for pretty much the same shit.
Very excited (petrified) to kick off tomorrow night at The Last Bookstore here in LA. It's at 7:30pm & Free. So, like .
I want a girl who's 50 percent crunk, 30 percent trap, 20 percent ratchet. Or whatever. As long as I can compare her to a rap sub-genre.
I've been calling this guy Steve forever. Turns out his name is Dad & he's my father!
There was Starsky & Hutch. Murtaugh & Riggs. Turner & Hooch... but can't nobody fuck with me & . Nobody.
In a move that will likely send shockwaves throughout the business community, I have decided to close my Linkedin account.
What if all those Foot Locker employees were actual referees...
I'm convinced that most Ikea furniture is made primarily of reconstitued graham crackers.
I'm a Stark. She's a Lannister. It's complicated.
I love the proud Starbucks cashier who, having learned 6 words of faux-Italian, has suddenly forgotten the meaning of small, medium & large.
In a wet t-shirt contest the winner really loses, the loser REALLY loses & the viewer always wins.
So tonight is the season finale of . Which is cool and all... But it's also National Roast Leg of Lamb Day. So yeah. Tough call.
SHOCKER: Turns out Ray J did not, in fact, hit it first.
I'd like to meet the guy who coined "It is what it is", take a shit on his chest & just look at him like "What? It is what it is."
You know you're getting old when Kris Kross starts dying on you...
I like a girl who's tough, but feminine... like a Rav-4.
A woman's online shopping is a man's blackout drunk: a dangerous vortex where inexcusable things become almost--but not quite--excusable.
Many thanks to , & the whole Who's Line Is It crew. I'd eat a fistful of frosting for you guys... Oh, wait. I did.
Dear Dwayne. You'll always be The Rock to me. xoxo Wilson
If there is a downside to wearing moccassins, I haven't yet encountered it.
Do you accept as your Lord & Savior? Will you let the spirit of Bluebell into your heart? Church is in back in session TONIGHT.
2 Chainz has offered me invaluable insight about the nature of my stunted emotional growth: I love bad bitches, THAT'S my fucking problem.
Whither for art thou, T-Pain?
I'm convinced that, with the birth of the Harlem Shake, humans have reached either the pinnacle or the nadir of collectivist accomplishment.
Is there anything sadder than the thought of a really short-armed person trying to take a decent selfie?
I like to refer to Valentine's Day as Women's Opportunity to Torture Themselves Over the Inherent Fragility of Inter-Sex Relations Day.
The matzah was poorly-raised. Then it got a yeast infection. Now she's considered well-bread.
The word "gooseflesh" makes me want to remove the skin from my face with a carrot-peeler & jump into a vat of acid. "GooseBUMPS", you jerks.
Dear Dude-Who-Just-Stole-My-iPhone-And-Ran-Away-With-It-But-Not-Far-Enough-Because-I-Caught-Up-To-You: That was super awkward. Run faster.
1998. The night thick with anticipation. Sarah McLaughlin is about to go on... Um. Am I the only one who, like, really misses Lillith Fair?
If Chris Brown & Lindsay Lohan mated, the result would be a hotter, less-sympathetic Darth Vader.
I don't care what you say, that 13 year-old kid in the knee-length Scarface t-shirt & Spongebob hat was intimidating as fuck.
Now I'm no psychologist or anything, but I'm pretty sure when Quentin Tarantino looks in the mirror he sees Samuel L. Jackson.
Yoga Drinking Game: Every time you hear the word "Mindful", drink. "Intention", drink. Sitar, drink.. Actually, fuck yoga. Let's just drink.
Whenever I'm feeling down, I just close my eyes & imagine great historical figures having sex. Yeah, I'm looking at you Eleanor Roosevelt.
I just watched a really tedious episode of Homeland called "Zero Dark Thirty".
AT LAST!!! The FINALE is LIVE!!! Don't miss the epic conclusion to the awesomest program in history. Ever.
If you CAN watch & you AREN'T watching ... you're dead to me... Kinda... A little.. Ok. Fine. We're still friends.
I'd like to meet the guy who invented the rap album interlude. Then I'd like to kick him in the nuts.
just blew my mind. Shredded my understanding of space & time. Reaffirmed my belief in art. Scott Shepherd = American hero..
Zimbabwean Crunk? Yes please. This is the freshest music you'll hear today: Chingata ft. Chigiyo by DJ Captain Planet
Have you gotten laid yet? Stupid Hype - Let's Get Laid: via VIDEO
Well. It happened. accepted the challenge. I lost.
You owe me 20 bones, sucka!!! “: I bet $20 that you will ignore this tweet.”
As a rule, I distrust people who don't pronounce their h's... Uge. Omage. Umor. HEINOUS.
I swear, if I hear that Stevie Nicks song over one more rehearsal dinner iPhoto montage... Lord help me, I don't know what I might do.