Raspberry vinaigrette used to be my shit. Then I realized I was basically covering my salads with melted sorbet. Now I stick with ranch.
Many thanks to for hosting a beautiful birthday dinner for my family and friends... Needless to say, we go…
Some people call it Turning 30. I call it Turning Awesome... Thanks for all the birthday wishes.
Dear Guy in the Elevator,
You can ride a Segway or you can wear Google Glass. But you can't do both.
Ziggy is totally the Jermaine of the Marley clan.
Sure, I still rock out to Counting Crows from time to time. Who doesn't? ... No, seriously. Who doesn't??? Because fuck them.
At this point, the only criteria for giving a TEDtalk is that the speaker has a basic understanding of PowerPoint & owns a blazer.
I always kinda felt like telling Desire'e to mind her own damn business. Who the fuck is SHE to tell me who I'VE gotta be?
Who? Who will be the American hero to re-issue the entire Co-Ed Naked t-shirt catalogue?
A. O. Scott on Philip Seymour Hoffman
Spark doobie. Mute "Her". Wait till third lion roar. Cue Zapp & Roger "Computer Love". Get mind blown.
I don't hug. I touch nipples.
My Pinterest board is a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure that by clicking "okay" to my iTunes user agreement, I'm authorizing the NSA to unconditionally fuck me in perpetuity.
is on TONIGHT. But you probably don't care. You follow me to for my endlessly insightful musings on life.. No? Fine. Viva Wade!
Nothing like a good old fashioned early-nineties boob job.
Come on, guys. If your name translated to Shitty TheBeef, you'd be a jerk too.
Is it weird that the Virgin America safety instructions song is my favorite track of 2013?
I just realized that I have more Twitter followers than Donald Rumsfeld. Which is, I think, a victory of some kind.
Purchase tickets and contribute to this wonderful charity today. (Use promo code "HOPE" for discounted tix).
Come swill champagne with me & my pals & @rochellesaytes at the Saving Innocence Gala this Thursday 12/5.
My shaman is doper than your shaman.
Thrilled to be joining the cast of "The Columnist", running November 14-17th in LA. Grab tix at !
God knows why, but the have invited me to sully their venerable stage tomorrow night. 8pm. Grab tix online.
Radio Shack: Serving No One since 1988.
I knew Gravity was going to be intense... but nothing could have prepared me for ol' Sandy Bullock's booty shorts.
This will be a day for the history books. returns at 8pm... aaaand I had my first ever .
An open letter to House Republicans: I want my country back. Thank you.
Sure, his life is a smoldering heap of shit... but at least Jesse Pinkman is the proud owner of a 1985 El Camino.
I spent my weekend watching Degrassi re-runs, hoping to learn from a young whether or not nothing is, in fact, the same.
Syria is gassing civilians, Miley Cyrus is considered a role model & global warming is real...on the upside, pumpkin spice lattes are back.
Nobody talks about Dr. King's OTHER dream. The one with the talking squirrel & the pancake buffet & the US women's gymastic team...
Bradley Manning: "Sometimes You Have to Pay a Heavy Price to Live in a Free Society"
By which I mean I have complicated business relationships, enjoy cooking & consider character growth both inevitable & perhaps dangerous.
My life is just like Breaking Bad... minus the meth, the sidekick, the murderous rampages, and even a basic understanding of chemistry...
When somebody says "long story short", find a comfortable seat. You're about to hear a very full-length story.
I will always remember the summer of 2013 as the time I was introduced to every girl in America's lower butt crease. Thanks jorts!
How did I JUST see this??? These guys are -- Wanna Come to My DJ Night? - Portlandia on IFC: VIDEO
No, seriously. I'm on Whose Line Is It Anyway. Tonight. Consider yourself warned.
Just tweaking the last few bars of "Meet Me On That Beach in Mexico", the triumphant finale of my unauthorized Shawshank Redemption musical.
Check out a preview of L.A. Rangers, the new genre-bending comedy from , coming soon to
It's hard to imagine when you're 14, but that belieber4eva@gmail address might just work against you when you're trying to get a bank loan.
Some women will never outgrow the POV beach bikini selfie. Which is great if you like looking at the ocean down the barrel of a vagina gun.
There's a certain kind of facial hair that just screams LARPer.
I should really be allowed to retweet myself. I mean some of this stuff is gold, people. GOLD... (No? Fine. You'll miss me when I'm dead.)
I bet Gabana feels like a total Garfunkel.
My Co-exist bumpersticker lives next to my Yosemite Sam-pissing-on-everything mud-flaps, which pretty much sums up my complicated worldview.
When Anthony Weiner texts a girl "I am deeply flawed" and follows up with a dick-pic... the subtext is that, well, there is no subtext.
Oh baby. The L.A. Rangers teaser is LIVE. Which is another way of saying happiness is only a click away:
Imagine how much moisturizer lives at the bottom of Mario Lopez's dimples, those unknowable reservoirs of eternal youth...
And seriously: go see "Fruitvale Station."
Juror B37: "I think all of us thought race did not play a role. We never had that discussion." Wow. That explains a lot.
Stupid Hype was just the beginning... L.A. Rangers. This Fall. .
Keanu Reeves is my spirit animal.
I'm making a film called "Twitter: The Movie". It's tough to cast. There are 140 characters.
I kindly told my waitress "Hurry up with my damn croissant." She kindly told me to fuck off. Sucks not to be Kanye West.
Can we please just be adults about this? But first pass me my Handi-snacks & Capri Sun and tell Timmy he's a fartlicker, no backsies.
The Mazda Miata: When a skateboard is simply too much vehicle.
I want to tickle Michael Shannon, just to see what happens.
In the 99 cent store of life, there's always some dude charging 98 cents for pretty much the same shit.
Very excited (petrified) to kick off tomorrow night at The Last Bookstore here in LA. It's at 7:30pm & Free. So, like .
I want a girl who's 50 percent crunk, 30 percent trap, 20 percent ratchet. Or whatever. As long as I can compare her to a rap sub-genre.
I've been calling this guy Steve forever. Turns out his name is Dad & he's my father!
There was Starsky & Hutch. Murtaugh & Riggs. Turner & Hooch... but can't nobody fuck with me & . Nobody.
In a move that will likely send shockwaves throughout the business community, I have decided to close my Linkedin account.
What if all those Foot Locker employees were actual referees...
I'm convinced that most Ikea furniture is made primarily of reconstitued graham crackers.
I'm a Stark. She's a Lannister. It's complicated.
I love the proud Starbucks cashier who, having learned 6 words of faux-Italian, has suddenly forgotten the meaning of small, medium & large.
In a wet t-shirt contest the winner really loses, the loser REALLY loses & the viewer always wins.
So tonight is the season finale of . Which is cool and all... But it's also National Roast Leg of Lamb Day. So yeah. Tough call.
SHOCKER: Turns out Ray J did not, in fact, hit it first.
I'd like to meet the guy who coined "It is what it is", take a shit on his chest & just look at him like "What? It is what it is."
You know you're getting old when Kris Kross starts dying on you...
I like a girl who's tough, but feminine... like a Rav-4.
A woman's online shopping is a man's blackout drunk: a dangerous vortex where inexcusable things become almost--but not quite--excusable.
Many thanks to , & the whole Who's Line Is It crew. I'd eat a fistful of frosting for you guys... Oh, wait. I did.
Dear Dwayne. You'll always be The Rock to me. xoxo Wilson
If there is a downside to wearing moccassins, I haven't yet encountered it.
Do you accept as your Lord & Savior? Will you let the spirit of Bluebell into your heart? Church is in back in session TONIGHT.
2 Chainz has offered me invaluable insight about the nature of my stunted emotional growth: I love bad bitches, THAT'S my fucking problem.
Whither for art thou, T-Pain?
I'm convinced that, with the birth of the Harlem Shake, humans have reached either the pinnacle or the nadir of collectivist accomplishment.
Is there anything sadder than the thought of a really short-armed person trying to take a decent selfie?
I like to refer to Valentine's Day as Women's Opportunity to Torture Themselves Over the Inherent Fragility of Inter-Sex Relations Day.
The matzah was poorly-raised. Then it got a yeast infection. Now she's considered well-bread.
The word "gooseflesh" makes me want to remove the skin from my face with a carrot-peeler & jump into a vat of acid. "GooseBUMPS", you jerks.
Dear Dude-Who-Just-Stole-My-iPhone-And-Ran-Away-With-It-But-Not-Far-Enough-Because-I-Caught-Up-To-You: That was super awkward. Run faster.
1998. The night thick with anticipation. Sarah McLaughlin is about to go on... Um. Am I the only one who, like, really misses Lillith Fair?
If Chris Brown & Lindsay Lohan mated, the result would be a hotter, less-sympathetic Darth Vader.
I don't care what you say, that 13 year-old kid in the knee-length Scarface t-shirt & Spongebob hat was intimidating as fuck.
Now I'm no psychologist or anything, but I'm pretty sure when Quentin Tarantino looks in the mirror he sees Samuel L. Jackson.
Yoga Drinking Game: Every time you hear the word "Mindful", drink. "Intention", drink. Sitar, drink.. Actually, fuck yoga. Let's just drink.
Whenever I'm feeling down, I just close my eyes & imagine great historical figures having sex. Yeah, I'm looking at you Eleanor Roosevelt.
I just watched a really tedious episode of Homeland called "Zero Dark Thirty".