Just some late night ABC tv! Good work national broadcaster... Wtf?!!
Have you subscribed to my new post mailing list yet? Hit then subscribe at the top... Go on... You know you want to!
So I photoshopped a Santa hat onto my Twitter pic because I want girls to think I have swag... Bitches love swag...
And also have the worst kind of asshole!
Drunk people who fart in the middle of a packed dancefloor and clear a space are the worst kind of asshole!!!
I am MCing at the club right now... I am a shit MC
"throw your hands in the air and wave them like you don't care" Oh, you don't care. Kthen
Imagine if all the mall Santa's in the world lived in Santa Monica and only ever wore their red suits...
Sorry mum, I won't be partaking in boring family conversation at Christmas dinner this year... I have Twitter now...
"Loose lips sink ships"
Yeah, torpedoes aren't too fucking shabby either...
Have you ever noticed that it doesn't matter what you get on a pizza its always awesome? Except anchovies... Fuck anchovies
Remember when Shakira sang about her boobs being like mountains... Do you reckon she regrets that now?
Why do McDonald's serve salad? Has anybody ever gone there to eat healthy?
I found a dildo in my girlfriends drawer and things got hot.
She found a latex vagina in my drawer and all of a sudden im the pervert...
It's a good job Jay Z and Alicia Keys weren't from Ohio... Buckeye state of mind doesn't quite have the same ring to it
Dear Katy Perry... The word "uncoooonnnddddiiitttttiiooooooonnllly" doesn't rhyme with whatever it is your are trying to rhyme it with
the back bit... I think that you Americans call it a trunk. Damn... thats why nobody responded :(
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think "damn... I'd tap that"
A friend of mine wants to know how to keep the hooker in the boot of his car quiet?
A friend... Not me...
Less money... Just steal other peoples cheese coz that's nacho cheese too
Now that Steve Jobs is gone we'll never ever know why cunt autocorrects to Cynthia.
WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
We really need a word to describe a group of old people. I have narrowed it down to the final 4:
- a herd
- a gaggle
- a trollop
- a stroke
Cool skid bro...
Said no one ever
I'm living the dream. Unfortunately it's the dream where I forget to wear pants to work.
There is nothing quite as brilliant as watching a drunk guy fall over at 7:45 in the morning when you are driving to work
My Twitter crush is definitely the egg with the red background
You know that 'little monster' Lady Gaga is always talking about... Turns out its her penis
that's because the smell of burning rubber is like an aphrodisiac for woman
I'm the same... And I also struggle not to laugh when I hear the word "dictate" too
So let me get this right... If I whistle at a random girl from my car, she will immediately be under my control and want to sleep me yeah?
Girls be like "i dont fart, I giggle with my asshole"
I just got an email saying my has been dispatched... My pants got a little bit wet. I believe that's what is referred to as a nerdgasm
A seal walks into a club...
I love Christmas at your mums house... So much stuffing
I just dropped a saucepan on my foot. It made a lot of noise and I screamed like a girl... I think I just created a track
As an adult, at what age is it appropriate to tell an annoying kid to fuck off?
I just watched the video clip of Pitbull and Kesha's song Timber in the hope that it showed a tree falling onto both of them... It didn't :(
Nothing says fuck you like 4 favs but no follow
My fiancee is picking wedding music... Play list sounds like a year 8 prom. I'm a club DJ... What the fuck have I got myself into?! :(
I just moisturised my entire body... Guys, you don't know what you are missing out on! I feel like a greased chicken!
Sport is just a load of guys playing with their balls whilst other guys try to grab their balls off them
There is nothing in this world more terrifying than the thought of Tori Spelling without makeup
Good work airport security... You are doing a brilliant job of keeping those really dangerous bottles of water off of airplanes
My mum used to be on Twitter but I banned her for tweeting herself.
"no mum... your timeline is not for reminding you of your grocery list"
Whats the weather like in today? Nobody has posted a photo of the sky on Facebook for at least an hour.
All I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth.
-Meth heads probably
How to decorate a Christmas tree... Hang random sparkly shit from the branches
Girls who work out in baggy clothes... you know Lycra exists yeah?
Guys who work out in baggy clothes... keep up the good work!
This burger* tastes awesome*
Fuck this diet
I was late to work because I was having car trouble.
And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
The first rule of alcohol is to make English your second language
Denial ain't just a river in Italy
You know those gyms with the windows where you can see everyone running on treadmills... Well I like to stand on the other side eating chips
All I want for Christmas is your mum
People say that drowning is the worst way to die but I think that being hit by a Prius would be wose
Hello again Monday morning.... I haven't missed you you bitch!
thanks for the tweet of the day pick :)
i was a little hurt to learn that my personal trainer was training other people too.
Despite how busy he is at this time of year, Santa still had time to hang around our shitty local shopping mall for 3 hours a day
did he also say that you should leave your husband for him because he has swag? 18 year olds love swag
You know when you're in the bath and the water starts to get cold so you have to pee to warm it up? No...? Just me again then...
Bieber doesn't need a ghost writer because he could release a CD of him farting and12 year old morons would still buy it and send it to no 1
Justin Bieber ghost writes for David Guetta, David Guetta ghost writes for Snoop Dogg and Snoop ghost writes for One Direction.
OMG this radio show is beyond amazing!!! Lock on to for our old school club classics special on NOW!!!
Doing a club classics show tonight on with my old cohost... Here is a text convo we had earlier
Don't miss with & guest Megabyte spinning all pre-2008 club classics tonight from 7pm!
Yo mama so fat she uses gravy as a moisturiser
She has an amazing cleavage in that dress though!
Watching the live & I've never been so bored on my life... Not even the hot girls they employed to hold the cards are helping
I would RT this but I didn't through fear that doing so would trap me in an endless RT cycle with you guys
Somebody just reminded me of the time I told a caller to fuck off on afternoon drive & got a 6 week suspension for it. Good times!!
FYI this is a stunt Twitter account run by my stunt double. I would tweet things myself, but I'm scared about getting hurt...
because I'm in Australia? Well HA... Jokes on you coz I'm English so I'm actually somewhere in between "gday" and "cup of tea"!
Trying to pee with a boner is like trying to... Sorry, I can't think of a funny comparison because I'm busy cleaning pee up off the floor
Playing this right now and not even ashamed!!
Ok... Enough internet for today! What the hell did I just watch? Funniest music clip ever! VIDEO
Close to breaking 7000 followers... To celebrate I'll give every one of you a cookie
*if someone gives me 7000 free cookies to give away
I have mixed drinks about feelings
A delete button... But for other peoples shitty so-called "inspirational" tweets
I love it when sport commentators say "that goal was important"
Coz you know... all the other goals were just for shits and giggles?
Snooki: "I think I've got Bieber Fever”
Doctor: "No Snooki, its Herpes again”
I may be an ass for this but I just blocked a bitch who said " I have the best boyfriend on earth". Get that goofy shit off my TL.
At this time of year I like dress as Santa, get drunk then visit shopping malls to smash random objects and yell obscenities at people
I wear two Bluetooth devices because I am twice as busy as your average douche.
A muzzle... but for your breath
I would like to apologize for the 1990's... I was there and I feel partially responsible
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don't worry, I didn't want you to get me anything anyway. No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
Masturbation is just training and professional athletes train for 8 hours a day...
I'm just unfollowing people who rt porn. I know how to use Google to find it myself I don't need it on Twitter to!
Just hating on the Shamwow guy because, well he is a douchebag
Casually scrolling my timeline at work and saw a HUGE vagina on my screen because some asshole RT it. Not gonna get used to these previews.
Cool ratstail bro... Did it come come free with your Holden singlet?
Relax mum... Its just a tweet...
As you can probably tell, we're still trying to sort out the first rule of Debate Club...
Terrorists who can't take a joke are... Um... Wonderful people...
People who can't take a joke are the worst kind of asshole