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| My dying uncle said to me ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ I said, ‘What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’ |
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| When I was born the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations you've just given birth to an eight pound ham". |
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| Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice. |
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| What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anything you like. He can't hear you. |
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| Two silkworms had a race. It ended in a tie. |
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| I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. |
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| I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. |
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| I just ran into one of the Seven Dwarves. He wasn't happy. |
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| I said to the doctor, "Every time I close my eyes I see a spinning insect". The doctor said, "Don't worry its just a bug going round". |
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| When do cows go to sleep? Pasture bedtime. |
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| I got up just like that.. or like that...anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas. It's a funny place to have a door I know. |
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| I tried tap dancing once, but I broke my ankle when I fell into the sink. |
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| There have been times that I have known despair. I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown. |
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| I always borrow money from a pessimist. He doesn't expect it back. |
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| I said to my wife, 'Look at this dear.' I always call her dear. She's got antlers growing out of the side of her head. |
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| I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”. |
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| So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights' |
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| My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer. |
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| I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself.' |
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| On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
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