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| I'm not addicted to texting, I'm addicted to the person I'm texting. |
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| Never hold your farts in! They travel up your spine and into your brain... Then you end up with shitty thoughts! |
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| The second rule of Fight Club is that we have to whizz round and do a quick tidy at the end, as someone uses the hall straight after us. |
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| That annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching. |
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| oh yeah...and the new fragrance isnt called Never Let You Go...it is called |
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| When you fall in love, don't ask many questions. Otherwise, fear will overcome your feelings |
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| Giving gum to your friend is like a drug deal. "You didnt SEE anything, you didnt HEAR anything, and you sure as hell didnt get it from ME" |
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| 80% of women ask questions in which they already know the answer to. This is why it's best to simply tell her the truth. |
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| I wake up every evening, with big smile on my face |
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| I love you so much that I would wait for your photo to load on my slow Internet connection. |
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| While stalking someone on Facebook, I accidentally liked a picture 700 tags deep. Not even Yahoo! Answers has a solution for this. |
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| McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer. |
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| This new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut. |
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| As a kid, I'd pull a girl's hair to let her know I liked her, but now that I'm older & wiser I simply hit her with my car. |
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| Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume. |
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| if I ever describe anything you tell me as "crazy," it's really not, I just want out of your conversation prison. |
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| Love is a decision. I have decided not to smother my husband with his pillow. Our love will live another day. |
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| I'm dying to get one of those babies that smoke. Too cute! |
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| Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise. |
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| I drink Mountain Dew for the protective coating it leaves on my teeth. The kidney stones are a close second. |
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