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| I haven't tweeted something profound in a while, so, tequila. |
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| happy happy birthday Jay :) wishing you all the best :) have a great one. Xxx |
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| "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" "jesus christ doug you have totally fucked up this autopsy how did you even get this job" |
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| I have my drinking schedule worked out for the weekend. Now, we celebrate my organizational skills. |
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| @LyriQ_LynX because only men would come up with a concept so unnatural. |
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| Whoever invented the 2 hour break between classes should be shot. In the penis. With an AK47. Repeatedly. |
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| Now that I've rewatched The Roommate I am convinced I missed a near death experience. Leighten and my last roomie were two peas in a pod. |
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| A Breakup Bro: the friend that sits in the car outside and honks every 4.5mins while you breakup with someone. Works every time. |
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| well son, your mother would make jokes on Twitter dot com and I would respond to them in a weird and intrusive way, and the rest is history |
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| Get rear ended backing out of an adult novelty store. Laugh until you die. |
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| Shit, I just told you all about my gray hairs. Twitter, go make someone else tell everyone about their inappropriate aging. |
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Me: Don't have sex until you're 30
Daughter: I'm almost the same age as mom was when she got pregnant with me
Me: Your mom was a whore |
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| Can someone please inform my kitten that my face is not, in face, a scratch post. It does not make for enjoyable mornings. |
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| Turning gray at 22; I don't care how many different ways you phrase that to make me feel better, I'm still TURNING GRAY AT 22. Fuck. |
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| When your body clock won't turn off no matter how much you self-medicate. I say Fuck You, body clock. Leave me alone. |
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| My kitten is either learning to tweet or is a keyboard terrorist. |
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| she stoooooopid, and she put my clothes back in my cupboard damp. Ima kiiiilllll |
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| Domestic worker is full of shit. Wants R100 extra to do my washing. Ima do it USA style and take it to the laundromat. Nostalgia anyway |
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| welcome to the world of Twitter, sarcasm and ironic shit awaits. Haha. :) |
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