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| Shortly after my nymphomaniac American girlfriend moved in to my flat I realised I've got no time for yanks. |
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Nigella's husband said they just had a playful tiff over the children.
Known in case law as 'the Philpott defence'. |
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What's the difference between a rapist and Windows?
A rapist never asks for permission a thousand fucking times before doing it. |
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Four things I hate about the internet:
1. Hashtags
2.
3. Irony
4. Lists |
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I turned the speed of the moving stairs in my local shopping centre to max.
That escalated quickly. |
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| I never know whether to be angry or impressed when I can't get the lid off a tube of superglue. |
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I've just found out that the prison I'm going to has cereal bars.
Cool, I'll just eat my way out. |
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I've written a play about the French army.
It could run forever. |
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| I'm not saying my fit girlfriend is fantastic at oral sex but when a copper asked her to blow into a bag last night it exploded in her face. |
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| So Gok Wan is on the Activia advert. As if I'm going to take advice from him about what I should put in my body. |
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| Chav clothing isn't everyone's Kappa tee |
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SKY NEWS: "Rihanna Hits Fan With Microphone At Concert"
If it had been Justin Bieber, the headline would've been "Shit Hits Fan........ |
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What is it called the priest pours holy water on the baby's head at a christening?
Brainwashing. |
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Israel will make sure the world never forgets the Holocaust.
They're staging an ongoing re-enactment in Palestine. |
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I heard there will be cuts to the British Army with major protests being held.
What the fuck did he do? |
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Crabbie's alcoholic ginger beer certainly lives up to its name.
I drank 12 bottles of it last night and walked out of the pub sideways. |
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| Communication and travel were highlighted in my horoscope this morning. Uncannily accurate as someone just told me to 'fuck off'! |
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| Nigella Lawson; a goddess in the kitchen, a whore in the bedroom, an actress in the restaurant. |
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"I'm going to take you home and radish you!" I whispered to my date.
"Don't you mean ravish?!" she giggled
"You haven't seen my cock yet." |
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My wife is going backpacking tomorrow.
Well, parachuting as she calls it. But we'll see about that. |
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