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| I meet chicks at the dog park by walking around holding a broken leash and crying. |
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| Madonna is 55 and her boyfriend is 22. Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend is 26. Dont worry if you're not dating, they might not be born |
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| The dumbest thing is when parents say “This isnt how I raised you” like ?????? yes it really is, you literally raised me and here I am. |
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| "Age is just a number." ...yeah, and jail is just a room. |
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| Showers are amazing. They make you feel nice and clean, make you sound like a professional singer, and help you make all of life's decisions |
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| I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces. |
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How I talk:
25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both. |
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| iOS7 looks like iOS6's sassy gay cousin |
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| Considering that Iron Man and Batman’s only real superpower is being super rich and smart, Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment |
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| Wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck, that's really cute. |
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| Why do some couples make their status "single" every time they fight. I don't put "orphan" when I get into fights with my parents. |
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| Alcohol and drugs is never the answer, unless the question is, "what are you doing this weekend?" |
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together,
Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll. |
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| Happy Father's Day: The most confusing day in the ghetto. |
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| Imagine reading a book of all the lies you’ve told. |
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I speak 4 languages:
English
Profanity
Sarcasm
Real shit |
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I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like...
It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato. |
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| Whenever I go for a jog and it's raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death. |
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Me: I'm so over her
Vodka: No you're not, you should text her
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times |
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