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| Seriously considering a referendum to get the UK out of Eurovision. |
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| Bonnie Tyler on the phone. Says she "should’ve listened to the satnav, when it told her to turn around”. |
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| Text from the Greek President: "8 points to the country to the left, 10 to the right, and 12 to the country that bail us out". |
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| It's quite clear that everyone wants to live here, but no-one actually likes the UK. |
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| So, Europe likes the UK enough to sing their songs in our language, but not enough to give us some sodding points? |
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| Eurovision drinking game: Every time the UK doesn't receive points from a country, you drink. |
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| Ok, vote for the country that you don't want invading you. |
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| It's nice to see that Greece have spent any remaining national budget on their song. |
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| One finds it absolutely hilarious that Thor is representing Iceland. |
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| Bonnie Tyler has just sung for the UK. One’s holding out for a zero. |
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| Text from King Willem-Alexander: "I chose this for the Netherlands. You'll be able to do the same when you're King". Sod off. |
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| No, Harry, you cannot see the "Finnish lesbians honeymoon video". |
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| They think it's Moldova. It is now. No points. |
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| It's time to see exactly why the United Kingdom should vote to leave the EU. |
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| William, Kate, Harry and Pippa have arrived as ABBA. The girls look lovely, but William and Harry looked nothing like Agnetha and Frida. |
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| Eurovision fancy dress in full swing. Camilla misunderstood “let’s go as Bucks Fizz” and has dressed as a bottle of champagne. Awkward. |
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| On the third day, God created gin. |
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| Have sent Prince Harry to the United States with strict instructions: "Remain clothed at all times and stay away from Las Vegas". |
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| It's so refreshing to see stories of a man in his seventies that doesn't involve child abuse. |
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| Pope Benedict, Queen Beatrix, and now Sir Alex Ferguson gives someone else a go. |
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