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| Punched myself whilst dancing to Dexys Midnight Runners and now I have a concussion. Yelling 'Medic' doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. |
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| Testing the limits of my stitches. |
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| My real questions about my wisdom teeth extraction recovery can't be answered on WebMD. |
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| The Marquis de Sade's Italian travel writings are totally underappreciated. |
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| ": EPD to 3702 Liberty, Wine & Spirits, panic alarm=" Did freak after realizing her favourite label was discontinued? |
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| I live under the delusion that pretty much everyone I've ever met is secretly in love with me. It's fun. |
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| The only person that watches Tyler Perry more than Tyler Perry is my middle aged white redneck father. |
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| Twerking out your diabetes. |
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| Think before you text. And then text anyway because shaming yourself is funny. |
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| My life is a constant battle between what my heart wants, what my head needs, and what my vagina is trying to get at. |
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| I had to scroll through five pages of Google Images of nurses before I found a slutty one. What is this world coming to? |
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| I rarely know what the text on my graphic tees say. When someone asks, I always tell them it says, "My tits look awesome." |
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| I get confused on guided trails. |
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| This movie is so long, I want to go back in time and assassinate Lincoln sooner. |
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| My horoscope just basically called me a bitch. |
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| My dentist talking about her baby was more painful than getting my cavity filled. |
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| I hate people that use LMBO instead of LMAO as if swearing in acronym form would be outrageous. |
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| My father just pronounced Uruguay as "Your a gay“ and I have absolutely no idea whether or not he was being sincere. |
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| If you fart in public, I both hate and deeply respect you. |
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| Waiting for Les Mis to come out on DVD was a good idea because now I can use the DVD to slit my wrists. |
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