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| The NYC CitiUnicycle program is not going nearly as well as the bike one. 2,459 wacky mustachioed casualties today alone |
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| Every girl named Krystal, on her 30th birthday, automatically has her name changed to Colleen |
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| Birds must think birdwatchers are perverts. "Honey, they're back." "Ugh. Close the leaves, we'll look for a new tree in the morning." |
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| "When you play the game of thrones, you win or you get a participation ribbon. Good sportsmanship is valued in the game of thrones." |
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| The Purge is set in 2022, so... pretty fucked-up idea, Hillary Clinton |
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| Your tweets are all phrased as relatable observations about a lifestyle (clubs, Mexican fiancées, Zillowing) that is foreign to me |
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| "I'm thinking about getting into chess, because I like board games and I hear chess is a good one." - |
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| CollegeHumor's All Nighter, my favorite tradition: 8pm EST. Shooting/posting 10 new sketches in 1 night + livestream. |
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| Naming a cannibal Hannibal - a dumb joke for a respected franchise. But remember Walter White was originally Seth Mailsman the Meth Salesman |
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| Michael Scott's last line on The Office was insanely perfect. Killer joke & summed up his character all at once. Also I got emotional. |
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| uh, nonstop pleasure and happiness? |
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| Theon Greyjoy is the Pete Campbell of Game of Thrones. Sorta? Enough to tweet it. I wonder if human life serves a greater meaningful purpose |
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| “: Watching on Comedy Central-- It's called "nice try the devil." Turn it on! (11pm)” Do this! Pete is the best. |
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| My mom, drunk with power, is standing atop a car fire she started, firing a shotgun & screaming "NO EARTHLY LAWS CAN BIND ME THIS DAY" |
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| This blaze of TV comedy cancellations & passes on new shows was nice because sometimes I forget I've chosen an essentially impossible career |
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| New employee. Nothing suspicious about him. |
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| Of all my missed connections in this grand lonely metropolis the woman I just saw eating a pepperoni on the subway stole my heart the most |
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