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| I'm gonna go on "Tattoo Nightmares" so I can finally cover up my tattoo of a feral cat giving the finger whilst riding a segway. |
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| I hate when my one night stands keep saying "Don't whisper cuz it pisses off the guards". |
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| A person being a jerk at a water park is called a "swimming hole". |
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| Do you think my bra fitter is legit? He said my size is "Oh now see dose are nice-uns". |
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| On first dates I always make it clear that I know CPR but I'm a little bit rusty on BJR. |
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| After taco night I always perform an acoustic set over at The Lavatory. |
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| You should follow because he's written almost everything you've ever loved on SNL. |
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| I asked a salesclerk at Target where the gay section was. He used all his fingers to point at everything. |
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| Hey Young Girls, being funny lasts longer than being hot. |
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| RT "I just wanna make it official, Crotcho is my favorite of the Marx brothers." |
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| When I watch pageants I take a shot of tooth bleach every time someone says "World Peace". |
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| I shine my cat laser pointer into my Barbie Dream house when I'm pretending a police helicopter is casing the neighborhood. |
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| I need just a titch more reverb on my life mic. |
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| Who wants to do a Hot Yogurt class with me? We can share my spoon. |
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| Snark is the thief of wonder. |
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| My cutoff shorts are cut off above pubic level because it's what the public wants. |
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| I wear a snake around my neck when I go to gun shows because that's the kind of thing that gets me bedded quick-like. |
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| The Kimye afterbirth is doing an exclusive interview on Extra tomorrow. Its name is Kafterbirthye. |
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| Happy Father's Day to the sweetest and funniest man on the earth, Kenneth James Pell! |
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| I know pictures I take of my face are called "selfies', so I'm assuming pictures of my boobs are called "shelfies". |
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