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| Remember before those shoes that look like foot-gloves when you had to talk to a guy to find out if he was an asshole? |
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| Watch my webshow SCUMDADZ, about 2 stay-at-home dads who do fucked up stuff to their kids, like make them drug mules! |
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| Thank god they made a new Fast & Furious movie, the first 5 left so many questions unanswered |
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| LOVE FADES, PIZZA IS FOREVER |
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| I have a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel named Toast and we wear matching Pendleton jackets, HERE'S A FUCKING PHOTO |
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| Opening a restaurant called "I really don't care" so when you ask you girlfriend "where do you want to eat?" SHE CHOOSES MY PLACE. $$$$$$$$$ |
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| I miss the bald, chubby, barefoot, vagina-flashing, clinically depressed, poor-parenting, crying, umbrella brandishing Britney Spears :( |
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| Michael J Fox is good at acting but GREAT at developing Polaroid photos |
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| . I am sad you're getting married, that ruins my fantasy of one day straining my pasta through your dirty underpants |
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| If Obama was a real black president he would have redesigned Air Force One to look like a giant Nike Air Force One sneaker. |
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| If I ever fuck up a parallel parking job twice in front of strangers i'll just immediately drive to another city and start my life over. |
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| . Hey fat Kirstie Alley, here's a good diet plan: move from LA to the Midwest, where you're already thin |
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| . you have great Chesticles |
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| SHREDDING A TIDAL WAVE OF WHISKEY ON A SURFBOARD MADE OUT OF DON'T CARE |
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| . Girl I'm like a cupcake... I'LL GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR ASS |
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| In Ancient Greece, "Epic" meant warriors slaying lions. In 2013, it's used by douchebags to refer to a night out with booze and a few chicks |
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| I wish Nike made a wristband that could calculate how many fucks I don't give about how far you ran today. |
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| "If your phone gets wet, leave it overnight in a bag of rice. It'll attract an Asian, who will fix it because they're good with electronics" |
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| Exactly how much money do i have to make to go from "disturbingly crazy" to "loveably eccentric"? |
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| Create a line of signature yoga mats called DIPLO-MATS. You're fucking welcome dude. |
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