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| I bet crocodiles are pissed off that "crocs" no longer stands for "gigantic vicious reptile," but now means "gay shoe." |
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| What do you call a white man on a basketball team? Coach. |
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| How to tell someone their breath smells without hurting their feelings... "Well I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth!" |
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| I decided to get in touch with my feminine side today. I made myself a sandwich. |
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| If my friend asked me to keep a secret & said, "Don't tell a soul," can I still tell my ginger friend? |
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| They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it. |
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| Every time I look in the mirror, I cry. not because I'm ugly, but because of how fucking awesome I am. |
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| No matter how badass you think you are if a child hands you a toy phone you answer that shit. |
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| In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:29. |
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| "Do you guys have Pepsi?" "Is coke ok?" "Is monopoly money ok?" |
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| Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego. |
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| If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small tits. |
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| I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items. |
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| You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. |
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| Life is too short to remove the USB safely. |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people. |
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| Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is black. |
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| Before someone gets their drivers license, they should have to beat rainbow road on Mario Kart without falling off. |
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| Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire. |
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| They say you are what you eat. Well, I don't recall eating a sexy beast today... |
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