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| I’d be terrible with a vagina I already have a belly button & I can’t even handle anything going inside that. |
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| I’ve always wanted one of those Favstar trophies . I can’t believe I finally got one, thanks man. |
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| Well I’ve met Larry & let me tell you that guy isn’t very fucking happy . |
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| I didn’t kill Joy & I wish people would stop saying that. |
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| Do I wee on these paddle pop sticks before I freeze them or after? |
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| The pitter-patter of tiny feet are what nightmares are made of. |
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| If I ever do anything I'm really proud of I'll probably have to spend the rest of my life apologizing for it. |
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| She framed my self delusion then hung it on the wall & I think it looks fucking great. |
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| My wife knows what food I hate because she makes it every night. |
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| I've made far worse decisions when I've been hungry than when I've been drunk. |
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| It's not an irritating habit if there's no one around to point it out. |
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| One still might grow out of there, give it time. |
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| Life gets pretty bad sometimes but I’m lucky I have this penis that stops me from crying about it. |
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| It’s not an overreaction until she stabs you & even then there’s bound to be a perfectly logical explanation. |
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| Dude do you even know any women? Go on just try it. |
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| I can easily drink you out of my mind, but you'll be back tomorrow in hangover form. |
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| Kim Kardashian having her baby is almost more exciting than that one time Beyoncé drank a can of Pepsi. |
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Anger directed inward is depression.
Directed outward is aggression.
Put it down and bury it.
No eulogy is needed. |
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| The scratch marks on the inside of her bedroom door look like someone’s been trying desperately to get out, I’m just hoping she has a dog. |
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| What I love about Brazil nuts is they have no hair on them |
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