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| How much does it really cost to get married? No one knows, everyone is still paying for it. |
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| Why does a room full of married people look so empty? Because there's not a single person in it. |
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| I love it when I buy a bag of air, and the company is nice enough to put chips in it. |
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| "I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!" |
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| Passwords are like underwear; change them often. |
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| I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. |
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| My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes. |
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| French people give me the crepes. |
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| How do you organize a space party? You planet. |
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| When I laugh at jokes on the internet, I don't even laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual. |
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| No matter how amazing you are at something, there will always be an 8-year-old Asian who is better. |
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| Sometimes the laugh is funnier than the joke itself. |
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| If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me and we can make fun of people together. |
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| I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing. |
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| I just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet. |
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| There are 3 kinds of people: those who are good at math, and those who aren't. |
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| There's a new app that tells you how smart your dog is. Here's how it works: if you bought the app, your dog is smarter than you. |
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| Never trust an atom. They make up everything. |
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| I'm not lazy; I just really enjoy doing nothing. |
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| How does Jesus make tea? Hebrews it. |
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