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| I just waved at someone who was waving at someone behind me and now I'm lying in hospitable dying of embarrassment. |
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| Your level of importance is reflected in the number of times you've probably told people you were in meetings all day today. |
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| Stop pretending decaf coffee drinkers. |
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| I've been liking status updates years before FB came along when friends would tell me how happy they were and I would say "that's great!" |
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| If I sprinkle quinoa on a chocolate bar does that make it healthy? |
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| Sometimes I only find out people exist after they've died. |
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| People who don't know how to rotate their photos placed in an ad. Can you please get off the internet. |
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| Please feel free to describe your place as "bohemian" if you're lazy or lack the desire to live cleanly. |
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| For people who often run late to things, don't forget that unicorns missed Noah's Arc because they took way too long getting ready at home. |
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| Waking up early in the morning to exercise is just impossible when I compare it to the alternative which is sleeping in my very warm bed. |
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| Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é". |
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| Leaving all my ironing to do tomorrow because apparently I like my Monday mornings extra painful. |
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| Reading a book, one of those ones that is actually printed. There's a word I don't understand and I can't tap it to bring up a dictionary. |
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| Feel free to stop here and take a break before scrolling any further. You need the rest. |
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| Don't forget to upload photos of your fancy hotel room to let everyone know that staying in fancy hotels is a complete novelty for you. |
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| People who commit suicide have 'unfollowed' life. |
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| When you only have one arm and you want to do coke, do you ask a friend to help you block the other nostril? |
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| Is there an Instagram for my voice? I hate karaoke. |
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| I'm pretty happy that I've never accidentally sat on a chameleon camouflaged as a chair. |
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| Do you know someone who knows someone who lives on the same planet as that celebrity you like? |
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