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| Fosters: it's Australian for a family that temporarily takes you in. |
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| I'll buy a pumpkin this month. I don't give a fuck. |
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| "Did your dad hug you at least once a year, or do you want one of the loud ones?" -motorcycle salesmen |
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| The Xbox One is going to forever change the way I don't play video games. |
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| Hello. Let's all talk about 's tweets and also his name: |
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| If Einstein were alive, he would listen to 10 minutes of scientific breakthroughs before asking you to describe free online porn again. |
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| People tell you that they're a foodie as though it's impressive to like doing something that we all like doing. |
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| It's like you blink your eyes and all the sudden the kid from Kenan & Kel is the senior cast member on SNL. |
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| If you're feeling down about your life, just call a starving African kid and explain fabric softener to him. |
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| When my grandfather was 18 he fought Hitler. Now a lot of teenagers think Avril Lavigne is a punk rocker. |
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| . You're using your own gender as a derogatory term. What the fuck is the matter with you? |
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| David Beckham announced his retirement today. He scored 7 goals in his career, the most in the history of soccer. |
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| There must be like an insane penalty for doing Tai Chi inside. |
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| Chris Brown is adding vocals from Aaliyah to his new song. Congratulations on making a plane crash the 2nd worst thing to happen to Aaliyah. |
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| The government needs to stay the hell out of our personal lives! Also, let's impeach that guy in the government for cheating on his wife. |
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People on unicycles; have you heard of bikes?
People on bikes; have you heard of cars?
People in cars; have you heard of staying in bed? |
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| "Ow!" -the guy who accidentally invented the boomerang |
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| Every horoscope should just say, "You're going to waste your life believing in dumb shit." |
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| Now that Barbara Walters is retired, she can finally just sit on a couch all day and talk to her friends. |
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| I’ve never stared at a nuclear explosion without safety goggles, but I have opened my laptop in the middle of the night, so I get it. |
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